I wrote a big "heartful" post yesterday and on last minute decided not to publish - it was too personal. Not that I was giving out some intimate secrets or anything. No, it was deeper - coming from the darker side of my soul which has been eating me lately.
You know this dark side comes out, when you feel most weak and tired; exactly then millions of disturbing reasons come to your mind proving that you are miserable and failed in something that was always so important for you.
Profession.
..........................
The problem for my generation and probably for the whole world is the fear of being failure. Fear of not looking cool in others' eyes; fear not having things that others have; fear to be less successful than your university friends (my case); fear to be less beautiful and so on.
That's what makes us depressed - feeling that we don't get what we deserve. Don't we all believe we deserve the best because we are the best personalities of the world?
.............................
Every now and then I get mad. And then I am so ashamed of it. You get angry when you have no control over something and things are not going your way, we all know, and it seems to me that things are not exactly going as I wish they were lately.
People irritate me, environment irritates me, even the smartest and loveliest baby Ezra irritates me and I start to cry. Deep in my heart I know I am happy and lucky for having all I have now and I should be acting more mature, but I can't help it. I pick on everyone and everything and only thing that saves me is going out for a walk and breathing the fresh air. Temporarily.
There are times when I doubt everything in the world and believe that it's all about money, power and fame :| I know it's my post soviet ghost haunting me over and over again, making me feel like a trapped animal and reading "Perfect Day for Bananafish" for thousandth time. Only Salinger can save me, I say.
....................................
This too shall pass, but may come back again.
(This post was re-created/rewritten under the influence of Metallica's "For whom the bell tolls" live in South Korea)
3 comments:
I know the exact feeling. I can get really angry sometimes, too. It's often so hard to remember to give the situation(s) over to Adonai.
I've been going through the same thing on and off lately. Then again, I realize how lucky I am and feel ashamed for being bad to my loved one(s). Unfortunately, I have no advice on how to overcome this. Just don't compare your life to others' lives maybe? I am trying to stick to this. Let's see :)
@Luke, that is the hardest and I know only few people who can really do that. I hope, at least when I am old grandma, I'll have that total trust in G-d.
@Mzia, so hard :( our beloved and dear ones always get the worse, I am ashamed of it right now. Right, that's what I am going to try. Good luck to you too :)
Post a Comment