Baruch Dayan HaEmet

Baruch Dayan HaEmet, we say when hear the news of somebody passing away. These words mean that the Judge is True, so to explain, but in most cases how can one agree this judge/death can be true?
How do you tell that to the mums of three kidnapped Israeli teenagers? How do you tell them who bore those babies, fed them and raised them, had nachat from them and expected only joy from them? How can you tell death is true?
How can you tell that to their dads, sisters, brothers, friends?..
May Hashem comfort them as much as it can be possible.

Hashem is a true judge, I know, but today my heart goes out to the families of three murdered boys in Israel. Today I feel like something has died inside me.

Today my heart is also dead after hearing the terrible news about those boys.
It was just last Shabbat when I (with hundreds of other Jewish mothers) separated challah from the dough asking G-d to save those boys and bring them home safely...

I know I cannot understand His plans.
I do not want to either, because I cannot bear right now.

May my Nation never experience such pain of the loss of our children again. They were my children too. Our children! Children of Avraham, Yitschak and Yakov, just like all of us.

May there be peace in Israel, if it is ever possible and no shedding of innocent blood, neither ours nor others'. 

Lie

Yesterday somebody tweeted this photo of a little Iraqi girl who drew her mum and then lied in her like an embryo. So moving and heartbreaking. I didn't think twice to retweet it.

Then suddenly it stroke me that I was influenced by media. By that very media I hate so much - prejudicial,Western, immoral and mindnumbing.
First, look at the drawing (especially the haircover bow, no way a child could've drawn it so accurately), I don't think girl of this age could have drawn that. It rather looks like a cartoon woman from Marjane Satrapi's books.
Second, this heartbreaking and moving shot is SO very Western, particularly American, that makes me sick. In American, I mean pseudo-emotional images that are pushed on us through Hollywood and media again. Things that have no value and still make us believe they do.

You know how tolerant I am and how I love people, but this photo was too much.
Such a lie.

If someone ever cared for this Iraqi girl (if she really is the one to have drawn her mum) they would never let the war break out - they would never destroy millions of people's lives. They wouldn't get billions from selling the weapon to kill people, to violate their rights and to make them homeless, helpless and orphan. They would never abuse prisoners, never break down the great antiquity of Babilon.
Now please, stop fooling us, especially emotional mums like me, because we can use our brains if/when we need to.

Getting and deserving

I wrote a big "heartful" post yesterday and on last minute decided not to publish - it was too personal. Not that I was giving out some intimate secrets or anything. No, it was deeper - coming from the darker side of my soul which has been eating me lately.

You know this dark side comes out, when you feel most weak and tired; exactly then millions of disturbing reasons come to your mind proving that you are miserable and failed in something that was always so important for you.
Profession.
..........................

The problem for my generation and probably for the whole world is the fear of being failure. Fear of not looking cool in others' eyes; fear not having things that others have; fear to be less successful than your university friends (my case); fear to be less beautiful and so on.
That's what makes us depressed - feeling that we don't get what we deserve. Don't we all believe we deserve the best because we are the best personalities of the world?
.............................

Every now and then I get mad. And then I am so ashamed of it. You get angry when you have no control over something and things are not going your way, we all know, and it seems to me that things are not exactly going as I wish they were lately.
People irritate me, environment irritates me, even the smartest and loveliest baby Ezra irritates me and I start to cry. Deep in my heart I know I am happy and lucky for having all I have now and I should be acting more mature, but I can't help it. I pick on everyone and everything and only thing that saves me is going out for a walk and breathing the fresh air. Temporarily.

There are times when I doubt everything in the world and believe that it's all about money, power and fame :| I know it's my post soviet ghost haunting me over and over again, making me feel like a trapped animal and reading "Perfect Day for Bananafish" for thousandth time. Only Salinger can save me, I say.
....................................

This too shall pass, but may come back again.

(This post was re-created/rewritten under the influence of Metallica's "For whom the bell tolls" live in South Korea)

Mummy concerns

We, new mums, are so paranoid. Well, I really am.
Ezra doesn't sleep and fusses at night - my heart goes down.
Ezra sleeps 6-7 hours stretch at night and 2 hours nap by day - I am peeking in the room hundreds of times to check if he's breathing.
Ezra doesn't eat - terrified.
Ezra eats a lot - also terrified.
Sneezes - GOSH!
Coughs - Ezra, what's that? Why are you coughing???

Are you all mums, more or less, like that?

Mother's job must be the hardest because no other job has your blood and bones, no other job melts your heart. Admit it, most people only work for money, if it wasn't about that, no one would get up in the cold winter morning and drove to the office or anywhere else, rather stay in bed, have a tea or coffee in peace and surf internet whole day. And cuddle with the warm and lovely baby.
Yeh, G-d has cursed the human race for good to work their guts out.

Ezra's friend from Ikea

Anyway.
I AM HAPPY.
I have the best job in the world.

Up and up and up

I come home.
Open the post box and hope there will be a letter that I really need to get. All I get is taxes.
Go up and up and up.
Nothing.
Up and up and up.

Still nothing.
White walls and brown balconies.
I feel that the world has to disappear and reappear again. Then everybody would be either dead or happy.

Anyway.
Every word we say is empty. Every heart is cold. Every mind is blank. Every river streams down to nowhere.
I still try to go up and up and up.
Nothing happens.

Mascara gets ruined. Eyes get red and tired. Chocolate boxes go to the grey bin which is supposed to be the recycling bin for papers.
Everything gets recycled and recycled, new things come out and tend to be ecologically friendly, give me a break!
So we go up and up and up.
Still nothing but taxes to pay.

By Alabama Otis

Oranges and tangerines

If you asked me about five years ago I would tell you that there are nothing more lousy and boring than the weddings. But if you ask me now after three months of myself married under the very traditional chuppah I will tell you that there is nothing more beautiful and moving than the Jewish wedding.

My former orange room-mate (the room and the mate both orange, note that) Liora got married yesterday to a nice guy from the Berlin Yeshiva. I believe it was one of the most emotional weddings I have ever attended.

First, when I came to see Liora who was getting her make up done at the midrasha and saw her we both got so emotional, I almost ruined her make up. Then at the kabalat panim she looked so beautiful and pure you could not help but admire her. Second, the bedecken was something unusual - her old sweet grandmother was crying so hard you should've had an iron heart not to feel her - imagine, old lady who had gone through all the difficulties of Jewish life in Ukraine now seeing her lovely granddaughter getting traditionally married.

I have seen quite enough brides before but nobody looked so pure really. And in this world we miss this purity and innocence a lot.

...

After we got back in Leipzig, had supper, got some rest and thought that day over, I started to cry like a baby. I could not help it. I still cannot explain my outburst. Or maybe I can.
Liora and I had been room-mates for a year, and she's been most quiet and humble person I've ever seen. Sometimes there were some misunderstandings between us but we would never leave it for a night and always explained right away; there were difficult times for both of us when we would go for a walk around the Prenzlauer Berg, talk about our problems and support each other. Soon we both started to date our future husbands and we had loads to share and advise.

I think when you live in a place like the Berlin midrasha and not only go to the classes together, but truly share rooms, cheer up each other every morning by smiling and wishing a good day, you should be some kind of an ice queen not to get emotional when a friend gets married and looks as lovely as Liora did.

You can tell I've always been emotional and could never hide my feelings. Once a friend told me, Sophie, you are so easily read - if you smile you really mean it and if you don't smile that is scary. I was smiling all day long yesterday and stopped by the evening, and I also meant it.
I guess I realized we are growing up, times change, we all move on (and this is wonderful, thank G-d), still it is always sad because we all go apart, make out our lives, get older and will never be so young as we once used to be.

Mazal tov, Liora and to all, who enjoyed and shared this simcha with its heart and mind!!!

All about it

I wish I could wake up and see the face I have dreamed about last night.
I wish I had a daisy field.
I wish I were a little wild girl with golden hair running through that very daisy field.
I wish I were somewhere warm and sunny.

Then I realize it is not about where you are, who you are or what you have been dreaming about - it is all about your heart. It is all about your soul; about your shining face and sad eyes. It is always about one's heart and mind.
Dear friend of mine told me that I often say very HIGH things which make one nervous, but I cannot help - I feel that way. Sometimes I feel so HIGH spiritually that I am to explode with this belief and trust to Almighty. Really.

[Missing my youngest aunt. Woke up and remembered about her today. She is so cool and understanding, I wish I could talk to her more, to sit there with her knowing she could just listen and tell me softly whatever is good.]

All I really wish is happiness and health for me and my offspring (whenever I'll have'em)!!!
Nothing else matters. Absolutely nothing.

Yellow soph_marine

Yellow is the colour of my attitude not only today - sunny, bright and full of fun. No matter what is going on in my life I always try to find a positive thing about it. What else can I do anyway? Sit and cry my eyes out? NO!!! I am not that kind of girl depressing herself, I can be sad and low but as long as I see the sun through clouds I know there is always something to hold on.

Yesterday my day was not this yellow though: it was more lilac, let me put it this way. It was more like a surreal movie shot in one room and still much meaningful than it could have been in some open area. It was intense, hard to control or be completely natural - in the end of the day I felt like I had taken part in some psychological experiment where you are allowed to watch rare dessert and not touch while you are so damn hungry. Now I think how strong one still can be and capable to control oneself. I mean, it is the best thing you realize afterwards - there is nothing like working on yourself and being able to remain faithful to your principles.
That's why I love life because it sets so many challenges to me.

It is so sunny in Berlin I can go mad :) And I am wearing my yellow sweater and tights shining in and out the midrasha swaying to the Lambada rhythms and feeling unbelievable spiritual freedom. I wish I knew what I mean by this SPIRITUAL FREEDOM, I can just feel it.

Have a great yellow week full of Sunshine in your heart and mind!!!

Unappeased yearning to return

The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.

Milan Kundera ("Ignorance")

Yes, I've been there. I've been to Prague - the city of melancholy, writers, lost artists, beautiful people, golden beer and me. I was there and did not even see Milan Kundera. I was there and could not even tell anyone how much this means to me, how happy I was being there and breathing the same cold air with my dear book characters. I grew up reading about these people, I felt what Kundera felt, I was dreaming about them back home in Tbilisi sitting on my orange couch, reading, reading and then writing endlessly... This trip was most nostalgic and sad for me. Prague reminded me of Tbilisi a little and made me realize that I am lonely. Lonely in sense of belonging to no place, finding no serenity anywhere and always fading.

This journey showed me who I really am, and it scared me.
In a good way though. I am a human. Oh, so human.

The friend of mine tried to realize why was I sad and felt so odd. I could not tell. Sometimes I become numb. I only feel what I feel and cannot explain.

I just need to know there are eyes caring about me.
Eyes. Hands. Mind. Heart. Soul and everything. Everything. I need to have it all.
It is not only about Prague - it is about me and my state of mind.

El Mar

Life has to be blue like the Mediterranean.
Greeks say, the Aegean sea is like a butter - soft and still. All you have to do to close your eyes and let your body free in its waves... I dream of the sea very often and it is the only thing I will miss for ever.

What makes one appreciate the beauty of G-d's creation, what is beauty anyway?
Beauty lies in the sea, in its bluest waves, in the clearest sky, in the shiniest sun rising and setting. You sit by the sea and feel golden rays on your shoulders, on your face and keep smiling. It is burning and leaving freckles on your nose but you still sit there, smile and feel the smell of your sunburned skin... You are becoming one with the sea, the sun, the sky...

Mar Adentro is a movie by Alejandro Amenabar, Chile born director with passionate spirit and melancholic view I would say. I imagine him as one of the lonesome characters from Marquez's novels... There is one remarkable scene in the movie - flying over the green forests, mountains, rivers, feeling the horizon, breathing fresh air and achieving the "highest" point - the sea, the blue giant with most marvelous shape and colour in the world. Not only you see, but feel and realize that it is the sea inside making you move and live, it is the sea blustering in your veins, running through your blood and your heart trying to jump out the chest.

This is my sea, the sea inside me.
El Mar.
Mar adentro.

God took the stars

This song got my heart and soul.

Look at me! Ginger!

I should tell you how I love Geri Halliwell. If you don't know who she is, which I doubt very much, I shall inform you that she has been the true girl power member of the British girl band "Spice Girls".


She was 24 or 25 when got in Spice Girls and became the main figure of the band. Geri was the one to claim group's GIRL POWER image. She had this low and harsh voice which made her stand out the crowd. She is bold, crazy, funny and never afraid to be embarrassed. I appreciate her latter character. Good luck, Geri, you'll always be ginger in my heart :)

He is not upthere

I've been thinking about islam this morning and now I was looking for some pictures, and found this:

So I decided to post about it.
I do not like talking about religion. I think it is something that everyone has to choose by itself. You whether believe in G-d or not. Plus, you need to live for G-d to understand His existence. If a person denies Him talking about philosophy, phisics, chemistry and so on, it means that that person denies its own heart. Because you need emotions to observe religion - is it Judaism, Christianity, Islam or Buddhism.

The main idea of every religion is kindness, humanity, love.
Well, you may definitely ask: then why on earth are all those wars going on because of religion? My answer is this: those people who shoot each other for God's sake, that is not the G-d at all. In our world it is all about power and money, and I keep thinking what Nietzsche would have said: "Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders?"

Well, I do not hope everything will work out. This world just cannot live without wars, even though everyone agrees to the existence of One G-d. They still need to fight, shed the blood and go to hell, if there is something of a kind.

I am religious. I live for G-d and I am sure He is always there for me. There will always be people who will chuckle about my observance, and those ones who will admire my choice, but only I know what I really believe in is not something easyunderstandable, it is in me, if you know what I mean.

Have you seen this movie "The Believer"??? When Ryan Gosling's character is running upstairs to find the Lord, and his teacher says: "He's not there".

Yes. HE IS NOT UP THERE. He is here inside our head and heart.