Shalom Aleichem - Peace Be With You

I've had couple of "Answer Me This" posts in my drafts, which I never got to publish because of different reasons, but today is the day that I should.

I've been homesick of a kind, and now I realise I have quoted Ezra Pound for that who is the least favourite poet of mine because of his political attitude. What can you do if he has the best name though.

I had baby Aaron 6 months ago and only now I feel to have little postpartum depression thing. Not that big depression kind that Western world loves so much, I come from the East after all. I mean little depression that would suit a stay at home Hausfrau mum of two little children.

Blogging should heal me, I pray.

I like Kendra Tierney very much. I like the way she writes. I respect her for being a lady, good example of a modern religious woman, who is intelligent, modest and funny at the same time.
I feel very grateful to know plenty of nice people with whom I don't share my religious belief at all, but still learn a lot because kindness, morality and G-d are universal.
This mother of 7 lovely children is one of my online miracles.
In Judaism we say that it is "Kiddush Hashem", when one does an act of kindness, that praises G-d's name and recognises His almightiness. So I think Kendra's the one doing it with her honesty in faith, which absolutely inspires others to be like her.

Here are the answers to this week's questions:

1. What is your favorite picture book?

I never liked picture books before I had children. I am a "Franny and Zooey" post-feminist Jewish-Irish girl, you know ;-) Now my firstborn Ezra loves picture books, so I have to like them too. He used to love the "Was fährt da in der Stadt?" book, which must be an equivalent of English "Things that move", I suppose.

He especially loves this picture of a man repairing the street lamp, probably because we unscrew the lamp in the kitchen before every Shabbat, so Ezra wouldn't turn it on, and this picture, funnily, must be reminding him of that. He's still too young to understand some/most of the Shabbat laws, but as my dearest Rebetzin Roberg says, it is all about what one learns from its family. When a child sees how parents love and respect their faith, traditions, how happy they are living in this particular way, he will love and enjoy it too.

But his/mine all time favourite is this one, the children version of old Georgian book "Wisdom of Fancy" by extraordinary Sulkhan Saba Orbeliani. Ezra's got to like this preach book for it is based on Talmud, some say.

2. Are you a boycotter?

I think I am.
(Sophie, of course you are!)
I have always been.
I used to boycott all the big capitalist companies like Coca Cola, Pepsi, McDonalds, Apple and many more for my University years.
Now I mostly boycott those companies/factories that support Nationalist Party of Germany, who are Nazis deep inside.

3. How do you feel about cheese?

Funny to answer this, because my uncle is a great cheese maker :-D he was a school principal (we call it the school director over here; principal - I must've heard in American movies), who quit his intellectual job because he's that funny kind of guy and went farming.
Back to cheese though.
My husband and I used to make kosher cheese actually, but then got bored, because it was too expensive and not worth of our time and effort. It's easier to buy, plus we don't want to boycott Kosher stores, that are so few in Germany :-D
What's that Kosher Cheese? To make a kosher cheese you need vegetable rennet, enzyme that is not of the animal origin. We don't eat "normal" cheese, because of the law from Torah: it is forbidden to mix milk with meat.
Usually, cheese is made from the rennet, which would be from the animal stomach skin (pardon my English and just Google, if you are not a boycotter like some people).

4. How many pairs of sunglasses do you own?

One or two, but don't even know where I keep them. I hardly ever use sunglasses because it's never too sunny in Germany.

5. How long has it been since you went to the dentist?

I had an appointment last year and ironically, I decided to take a pregnancy test on that very morning, which came out positive. I canceled it obviously.
So thanks for reminding now. I shall schedule an appointment soon.

6. If you could visit any religious site in the world, where would you go?

It should definitely be Eretz Israel or Holy Land, as everyone calls it. There is no land that can be holier and it must be only statement everyone agrees with.
I also hope and pray my children will be able not only visit Yerushalayim/Jerusalem, but live there in peace with other people (despite of their faith), who REALLY love and care about the land. It sounds so not realistic right now, I know, but we do believe, don't we?

I also wish I could visit Rachel's tomb in Ramah near Bethlehem. She is one of my favourite Biblical foremothers, if not the most, because of her kindness, patience and love towards her sister Leah.


Thanks Kendra for hosting.

(And thank you, my readers, who keep e-mailing and supporting me even though you can't really call this a blog anymore.)

Shalom Aleichem to you all!!!
Peace be with you! - remember this?
It is a Hebrew way of greeting, but let it be my goodbye this time.

Shalom means peace in Hebrew and it also has other meaning, wholeness. Nothing can be complete and none of us can be happy if there is no peace with our fellow people.

So may there be Peace in this old crazy world!
!!!אָמֵן

Great with Child

Last book I've read is Beth Ann Fennelly's "Great with child".

I am usually very sceptical towards new authors, especially American ones. You know I adore American literature, mostly THE writers like Salinger, Hemingway, Capote, but modern literature is a disaster just like their cinematography, G-d forbid, how could I ever call Hollywood movies Cinema :D

Anyways, Beth Ann Fennelly is one of those rare authors that absolutely got me into them. First, she's got Irish roots and red hair. Second, she's mum of three. Third, she's a poet and not bad either. I've read couple of her poems and liked them actually, but this book I've mentioned above is something that every mother or to-be should read. Not only extremely encouraging and funny, but it's also very witty and non-judgmental.
I've always been trying to be non-judgmental, but not succeed quite often, people bug me anyways and I call them names, or label and even ban them. While Beth Ann Fennelly seems to be so tolerant to any kind of people, mostly mums in this case, that gives you strength to become little bit like her too.

Except all that, Fennelly's also a freak of grammar, like me, should I say. She especially can't stand when people ignore apostrophes. I liked that so much. Even though I am not from English speaking country at all and nobody would judge (hopefully) my English, but I really try to speak and write correctly and when some native speaking people can't tell between "it's" and "its", or "you're" and "your" seems so embarrassing to me.

So I recommend everyone to read this book. I am even going to re-read it, so enjoyable like a friend of yours writing to you and you are dying to respond or ask some advice, but you really can't.
We all need friends like Beth Ann Fennelly, oh I do a lot.

Have a lovely time!!!

State of mind

Happiness is just a state of your mind,
Keep searching who knows what you may find...

The Spice Girls "Something Kinda Funny"

Have you ever looked at yourself from the other side and asked a question: are you happy, darling? I have.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and haven't recognized the face there? I have.
Have you ever lived somewhere and felt that you were not actually there? I have.
Have you ever loved yourself so much that almost started to hate? I have.
Have you ever danced tango at the Rio De La Plata in Buenos Aires? Me neither.
Have you ever met Salinger? I wish I had.
And this is none of those famous post-partum issues that one might have. I think I have passed all that already. It is all just Leipzig Sunday weather making it blue.

 

Well, thing is that I am a big fat or real slim shady or whatever mum now. I have two months old baby. I hardly sleep at nights and in the morning, which starts at 5 am, I try to be smily and happy for my baby.
G-d, is life hard!
Happiness is hard too. I mean to keep being happy is. My point is we all have dreamt about happiness not even knowing what that could have been.
Suddenly I feel so exhausted I tell myself, Sophie, just hold on, this too shall pass (not my copyright definitely), just take it easy and GROW UP! Yes, I keep telling myself to grow up and stop being this wannabe Drew Barrymore character.
I try to be calm and good. I want to be calm and good as a matter of fact. I want to be happy and satisfied with life, I want to be tuned in with the environment around me which doesn't always work. It has never worked anyway.

I was reading "Franny and Zooey" to my baby boy the other day. He did not really seemed that interested for he fell asleep soon on my chest but I kept reading and reading, feeling for Franny and later for Zooey too. Isn't it crazy that no matter what these guys are always there on my Ikea bookshelf to cherish me and stand by me? IT IS!

Keep searching, Soph. Please go on.

Capricorn - THE SIGN

To Alla, the true Capricorn from Hannover

Careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.

"Into the wild"

Are you a Capricorn?

You cannot just be a Capricorn, you needed to earn to be one somehow. Cannot really tell why do some people deserve to be Capricorns but in fact they do.
I do.
So do you.

Life is what you make it, I have always believed especially then, when I left my sunny home for this cold country and the Berlin Midrasha which changed my life.
Still, looking back and remembering people, things, places that I've seen, been or had, made me realize that everything would be different if I was not a Capricorn. Thank G-d, I am.

Any book you read about zodiac signs you see that the Capricorn is an Earthly sign with strong character traits: ambitious, organized, motivated, stubborn and humorous. What else can you ask for in this world?..
No book or paper will provide you with the true Capricorn features though.

Should I try to?

Well:

All we really strive for is LOVE.
All we really care about is LOVE.
All we really give is LOVE.
All right, some might chuckle about our "lovability" which can get very weird sometimes, because all we do is to put our heart and mind in it and might get obsessed with ideas and ideals, note it.
All or nothing.

There is a little funny fact I cannot get away with. Girl Capricorns always marry THE ones. It might seem little funny but all these four women I mention below were born under the Capricorn sign and please don't tell it is just a coincidence. There are no such thing in my mind. There is something supernatural about Capricorns:
Princess Kate
Michelle Obama
Mrs Saakashvili
Madame Sarkozy
Although your husband is neither prince nor president now, remember, it is just about time. Just about time, have patience ;)

Honestly speaking, it is always up to women what way to choose and which shoes to wear (in this case not literally); and the girl Capricorn is much matured and witty than the boy as it always happens between sexes.

• Even if a girl Capricorn looks weak and needs a shoulder to cry on, at the end of the day it is her who showers her friends and family with love and comfort, never losing strength and being energetic when exhausted.
• Girl Capricorn is confident, extremely sensitive and there is little scary thing about her: she can also get icy cold and not let anyone get close. She can shut down herself, eat oneself inside out but never show it to others.
• Capricorns are very goal-oriented indeed, but most of them do not really care about career. Admit it. Capricorns would love to break free and never let system get them down. They would love to live peaceful life - write, paint, travel and give as much love as it is possible.
• What is most adorable about Capricorn is that it never loses hope and keeps positivity shining through; Capricorns never give up and if they ever do, it is just because they have found something better to go after.

Capricorns will always be.
Capricorns will always rule (at least their husbands will).

Happy Birthday dear Capricorns of the world, enjoy life! Don't be afraid to rise and fall. Love and be loved. Let the sunshine in!!!

A Month

I am so nervous right now.
I am so anxious.
I am so terrified.

19th of May means it is a month to go...

And I miss my fiance so much, it gets harder and harder to live apart.
The weather is stupid as usual - it started to rain then the sun showed up, I wanted to go to sleep meanwhile but now I think I'd better go and get things done.

Georgian consulate is not answering my calls which drives me mad and I probably will go there on Monday without an appointment at all. These government offices are so disturbing, aren't they? Have you ever seen any official representative of the country that would welcome and help you? I have not. Never indeed. And it is not just Georgia, no, my Israeli friends also complain about that, so do others.
It does not comfort me though.
I wanted some paper to be done soon.

I feel so tired, sleepless; my head aches, back aches, eyes ache, stomach aches and I think everything is getting on my nerves, even those things not connected to my body.

Oh, in addition with that I got James Joyce's "Ulysses" and I intend to read it soon. How soon, that is the question :D

Drew Barrymore has got new boyfriend, have I told you that? He's ok. I still prefer Justin Long to him but as long as Drew's happy I am happy. I actually wish I could invite her on my wedding. Wouldn't it be swell?
Anyway.

Drew and Will Kopelman

I am going to be a married woman in a month who will have to take care of her husband, household; one to make home most warm and peaceful place. It is so exciting and little frightening as well because it is something new and unknown, but as my fiance would've said, everyone goes through this and so will we.

Berlin - Haus ohne Hüter?

Days are so long in May or it just seems to me because I want May to be over as soon as it could be. It's just 00:00 uhr and I feel like I've been living today's day forever. I wanted it to finish and now it's gone. I've witnessed one more 9th of May becoming part of the world history.
Do I represent a tiny bit of history too?
I am living it in Berlin and dreaming of its bohemian life in the mid 50's when the youth rebelled and Heinrich Böll published his "Haus ohne Hüter". And even then you could eat most delicious brown Brot with sunflower and sesame seeds, butter on it.

Can't write anything lately. I haven't written anything except my blogposts and pocket diary. Either I am too busy or too concentrated on what is going on in my life. Or both plus millions of other things that keep me away from literature. I have heard so much complains from the writers who are afraid to confess they have actually failed. What if I am also a failure writer? I have not written anything interesting since last year I guess.

I went for a walk today and visited couple of book-stores trying to find something new to read. I feel such cultural thirst cannot even explain. I need literature so badly. I need to read and write, to be inspired and feel that I can express myself on paper (not literally nowadays). Did not find anything though and decided first I should try to write and then read new books if I find anything amusing and worth while.

I have all I need though.
I really do.
All I need.

אין זמן תחת השמש

This morning slipped away from me...
Woke up and felt the non-existed sun on my shoulders.
Cinnamon tea gave my life back and I opened up the window to the world.
The world is cinnamon today.
It is like Aviv Geffen singing there is no time under the sun for wars and fights...

I had a feeling there was someone waiting for me behind the door. Someone sitting, reading and knowing I would soon wake up and smile.

It is as if I've been writing a book about myself, and this book is nothing but reminiscences of light. Do you know what I mean? The book of dreams and somnambulism, orange and violet shadows of me... This book is so scary sometimes full of emotions, weakness, roughness and then suddenly there comes the שמש, my very own שמש and I am happy because I am the שמש, I am.

No time under the sun.

First Thursday of February. First Thursday February afternoon and the "שמש" sipping her cinnamon tea is looking through the clouds hoping for the real sun to shine out.

Unappeased yearning to return

The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.

Milan Kundera ("Ignorance")

Yes, I've been there. I've been to Prague - the city of melancholy, writers, lost artists, beautiful people, golden beer and me. I was there and did not even see Milan Kundera. I was there and could not even tell anyone how much this means to me, how happy I was being there and breathing the same cold air with my dear book characters. I grew up reading about these people, I felt what Kundera felt, I was dreaming about them back home in Tbilisi sitting on my orange couch, reading, reading and then writing endlessly... This trip was most nostalgic and sad for me. Prague reminded me of Tbilisi a little and made me realize that I am lonely. Lonely in sense of belonging to no place, finding no serenity anywhere and always fading.

This journey showed me who I really am, and it scared me.
In a good way though. I am a human. Oh, so human.

The friend of mine tried to realize why was I sad and felt so odd. I could not tell. Sometimes I become numb. I only feel what I feel and cannot explain.

I just need to know there are eyes caring about me.
Eyes. Hands. Mind. Heart. Soul and everything. Everything. I need to have it all.
It is not only about Prague - it is about me and my state of mind.

Blood and bones

I got this book "Beaufort" from my Israeli friend who has served in the army for two years. She is from Georgia like myself, has made aliyah with her family when she was 13. She is true Israeli by now who knows her land by heart and is proud that had served for her country.
Although "Beaufort" is not about the suntanned girls serving in the IDF. This book is about the war without specific enemy: terrorism. What is this terrorism anyway and what are they shedding their blood for?
Well, I am not going to spoil and tell you the plot of the book. There is also a movie based on this novel.
I just want to share my emotions.

I have always thought that soldiers are just some wasted flesh used by government to protect its own arse. I still think so, but when I remember those soldiers truly madly believing in what they do and how they adore their land, then I understand it is not about the government crap, it is about your blood and bones - which is the land of Israel. I am not that Zionist madgirl, but when it comes to those brave men I cannot stop admiring them. Especially the main character of this book is so tough, emotional and gentle when it comes to his sister or girlfriend. Sure, I know that is just fiction, but very beautiful fiction indeed.
Or maybe I am Zionist [at least I like guys wearing crochet-kippah and jeans :)) ]. Oh my goodness. Women are so contradictious, aren't we?

I wish I could share this book with someone and now I am thinking who can borrow it from me. Rebekka - definitely, but this book is not quite kosher for 15 years old girl if you know what I mean, there are lots of lovemaking stuff in it, plus dirty language all the time. I am sure she would get it but I don't want to put some crazy ideas into her head.

Every book has its smell, have you noticed? This book smells like the sand mixed with love of your land, and people who breathe for it. I keep smelling it.

Fitzwilliam, you silly moody bum!

Elizabeth Bennet By Colleen Coover

One man's ways may be as good as another's, but we all like our own best.

Jane Austen

Happy Birthday, dear Jane!!! You're 235 now and I am 25, what a nice age to sit and talk about it. We could've drunk some tea and laughed about silly men.
I've been told I am like Elizabeth Bennet :/ I kinda like it and not very much at the same time. She was not an easy one, was she? With her unusual attitude, wit and irony. I am not ironic, I try not to be at least, I just can't stop being honest. And Mr. Darcy is being quite harsh on me too. He never smiles and pretends he's not looking at me whenever I turn to him. Boy. Life is so complicated and people just love to make it even more so. Don't even dare to tell me, oh, it is supposed to be that way, what did you expect? I hate that. What did I expect? Fun, Sun and Love. Didn't you?

I think this Shabbat is going to be little boring for me because of Rebekka, the friend of mine, will not be able to be there :/ I am not excited at all. I hope tomorrow will feel better, but right now listening to 'the Goo Goo Dolls' and the world feels so far away from me.
I think I am having some kind of nervous breakdown today, ain't I? Sometimes I feel that life is not fair. Not fair at all. And I am going to do something about it. I cannot sit still and wait for fate you know. I need to get up and walk like Elizabeth Bennet used to do. I need to be there where justice and truth are!

Don't let anyone bring you down

We had this conversation on Shabbat about being foreigner and its advantages. One girl said that it's really cool because nobody labels you and no-one tells you what you should have achieved so far. Then we discussed the choice of our lives to be observant Jews and keeping all the commandments. I said that all of us have come to this point of life when everyone understood lifechange was necessary so what is the better place than our midrasha? This girl agreed and added that it is still very difficult to define what one wants and if one chooses the right thing for the reality is different from as we imagine it.
Ok. What did I answer? You know me. I did not hesitate and said that WE MAKE OUR REALITY, and I personally don't let the system get me down if you know what I mean. Life is what you make it, isn't it?

And today I found this book in the Midrasha library, "Let's face it" by Tzipporah Heller and Sara Yocheved Rigler. Even though I am not very fond of this kind of books, I liked lots of ideas in it. One of the issues was exactly 'my' subject of making one's own world and reality. Nobody is saying that you should separate yourself from the society or public life, but you should not let anything spoil your goals and belief. Imagine if Jews have ever surrendered, where could've led it us anyway? NOWHERE!!!

So don't let anyone say that you are old-fashioned, or too smart (been through this), don't let anyone bring you down just because you don't fit in a popular culture frame!!! Just believe in One G-d, and your abilities of changing yourselves and the world you are living in!
I believe. I always have, Baruch Hashem!!!
Of course I am not constantly happy; get sad and get lots of problems to solve, but in the end of the day I know WHO I stand with and WHAT I stand for.

HAPPY EVERYTHING!!!

I never liked holidays before I got closer to religion.
It has been my second year that I have been celebrating various Jewish holidays: Rosh Hashanah, Sukkot, Purim and now Pesach (Passover) is coming soon.

I always had this thought that celebrating something was boring, and I hated saying: "Oh, happy this and happy that!". I would have rather stayed home alone and read some book. But now I find them very amusing - because it is not only about saying merry things, or overeat the food (you can't do that on Pesach anyway), it is about finding oneself, the reason of one's being, thinking about one's self, improving character and analyzing what is better for one, how to live and which roadway to take for future. When I realize this, I understand why I fell in love with my Jewish holidays. Above it all, nobody can tell you to be happy unless you do not feel happy and grateful towards G-d and His creation. I am truly happy now.

HAPPY FINDING YOURSELVES, DEAR READERS OF MINE!

A Writer

I've been trying to write a book since I was kid.
When I finished high school, I told my mum I did not want to go to university, but sit home and write a book. She looked at me puzzled then. What kind of book could a 17 years old girl write?
I did take a break after school, but did not write a book.
Yes, I have written some poems, novels, even published them somewhere, but it did not make me a writer.

Three years later I went to university, faculty of social and political sciences. This year majored in Journalism and minored in Psychology. During these 4 years I've been writing lots of things, made a blog and all, but still haven't got a book.

Now I am a big girl, 25 under my belt.
Isn't a time to write that precious book I've always wanted?

But when I look at my blog (especially georgian one), I see that half of my book is written there and all I have to do is to copy and correct a little. So I hope that I'll start writing my very book soon. Can't wait.

And then I could freely say - I am a writer (no-one will be able to give me a puzzled look saying: what kind of job is that?)