State of mind

Happiness is just a state of your mind,
Keep searching who knows what you may find...

The Spice Girls "Something Kinda Funny"

Have you ever looked at yourself from the other side and asked a question: are you happy, darling? I have.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and haven't recognized the face there? I have.
Have you ever lived somewhere and felt that you were not actually there? I have.
Have you ever loved yourself so much that almost started to hate? I have.
Have you ever danced tango at the Rio De La Plata in Buenos Aires? Me neither.
Have you ever met Salinger? I wish I had.
And this is none of those famous post-partum issues that one might have. I think I have passed all that already. It is all just Leipzig Sunday weather making it blue.

 

Well, thing is that I am a big fat or real slim shady or whatever mum now. I have two months old baby. I hardly sleep at nights and in the morning, which starts at 5 am, I try to be smily and happy for my baby.
G-d, is life hard!
Happiness is hard too. I mean to keep being happy is. My point is we all have dreamt about happiness not even knowing what that could have been.
Suddenly I feel so exhausted I tell myself, Sophie, just hold on, this too shall pass (not my copyright definitely), just take it easy and GROW UP! Yes, I keep telling myself to grow up and stop being this wannabe Drew Barrymore character.
I try to be calm and good. I want to be calm and good as a matter of fact. I want to be happy and satisfied with life, I want to be tuned in with the environment around me which doesn't always work. It has never worked anyway.

I was reading "Franny and Zooey" to my baby boy the other day. He did not really seemed that interested for he fell asleep soon on my chest but I kept reading and reading, feeling for Franny and later for Zooey too. Isn't it crazy that no matter what these guys are always there on my Ikea bookshelf to cherish me and stand by me? IT IS!

Keep searching, Soph. Please go on.

Free as a bird

I quit my Georgian blog couple of days ago. No explanations - those people who know me and who have read Salinger's "Franny and Zooey" will understand me anyway. I was putting too much pressure on myself and had forgotten my motto: to be free as a bird.

I don't need SUNNY WORLD to make me feel completely Sunny, I don't need many comments to feel honored; I don't need anything but to feel G-d's presence wherever I go and whatever I do. I have so many friends, teachers, Midrasha :) and inspiring celebrity soul sister Drew Barrymore. BH!

I'm just too happy to blog :lol:

Nothing particular

Previous post suits to this blog so much. I'm sure that enthusiasm will remain forever till I'm finished with my book.
I've been reading Salinger's stories this Shabbat and realized that I'm so influenced by him. Sometimes I use words he uses in his writings, sometimes I have the same mood with his characters, and above it all - Franny and Zooey are my best friends, if that makes sense to you. Because it does not for me. I mean, when I read Franny - I like her thoughts about egos and 'getting somewhere'; then I read Zooey's philosophy and I'm absolutely into him. Unbelievable, huh?

I'm off to watch 'Prozac nation' on youtube, could not find it anywhere else to download the high quality :(

I had a talk with Lilu about what I really need.
Yeah. Exactly. Party and vodka :P no kidding. And another movie like of that 'Love the hard way'.

Something I'll never be

I've always wanted to be a hippie, you know that?
Today I was looking at the pictures of Michelle Phillips of 'The mamas and the papas' and realized that I wish I was born at that times, but I'm not sure whether I'd dared to become the flower child. Not everyone in 60's was hippie.

I just like the idea of it, of that crazy freedom, flowers, colourful dresses and long blonde hair.
One always dreams of something she'll never be. Because I never dream, I just act... and if I dream, it means that I have no guts to do it.

It's rainy and freezing Monday in Berlin. Suddenly I wish I could go out and walk with my friend Chili, drink hot tea and talk about poetry and this impossible life, where you seem to find the way, but it slips away and you keep on searching. Maybe it's just as it should be, who am I to know.

I'm just Franny lost in the rye.