When You Don't Need Any Title Here

This blog used to have a subtitle: Girl With Post Soviet Trauma if you remember.

I am still that girl (rather big strong woman like on this picture).

I am tired.
I mean, really tired emotionally. I want to hug my babies and sleep, sleep, sleep until the world is a better place.
So childish, I know, it even makes me little sick, but I am being very honest.

I miss my friends, I miss my country and the feeling of a motherland.
Not Home though. My Home is where my family is, but the land, I was born, grew up, lived, loved, learned is so very far from me, not only in distance, but mentally too.
I have less and less common with my Georgia, with my friends and relatives there. All I have left is the love for the old memories, I guess. My mum says, it's fine and once you have your own family, you cannot keep up with your old life.

I cannot indeed.

Does it make me sad? Not really.

I am just tired.
And I wish I had a homeland - calm, stable and welcoming back its people.

I am not one of its people anymore, and probably never was either.

You'd tell me, hey, there's your Eretz Yisroel (intentionally writing in an Ashkenazic manner), don't you adore it?
I DO!!! That's where my soul belongs to, that's where my heart and roots are, but it's hard, when I've never lived there, I don't speak Yivrit as fluently as Georgian obviously, and my childhood was spent not there.

Yes, childhood - that must be it.

No Racism! Or Integration without assimilation

My student neighbours are big supporters of #NoPegida. What can I say, I was student too and I also had idealistic dreams of living in a tolerant and free world. My student neighbours claim that the World should be Bunt (colourful). I agree with them. I have always believed that every man has a right to live wherever he wants to and that is why I live here too. Because this is the place where I feel comfortable.

This means, that I should make others feel comfortable too, especially people who this land belong to. As they received me, accepted me and let me live here and have benefits, so I have to respect it.
I have to respect this country, its people, its culture, its religion and try to integrate.

I am not going to discuss, who is right or wrong. I won't say who's enemy and who's not, because it is just politics. I hate politics, politicians and provocative mass media. 
I don't like caricaturists, because if they mocked Islam yesterday, they will mock Jews tomorrow; and they have done it many times in the near past, you can google the Dreyfus case and see.

Although it doesn't mean, if somebody mocks your religion, you go and blow them up. Only insecure people do that. If you are a true believer and you are sure that nobody can harm your faith, no stupid media can abuse your sacraments, you will just feel pity about those G-dless people and walk away.
Or not.
Better educate yourself and your nation, take care of your country, care more about your people and nourish them instead of sending them to death.

I mentioned integration above. We had a talk about integration with my friends of different faith, and we all came to conclusion that integration does not mean assimilation. We should be faithful to our religion, don't forget the language, traditions, avoid intermarriages, but not shove all this on other people.

It is Europe after all with its own traditions whether we like it or not.

I wish there was peace and everyone lived happily and securely in its home country, because nobody would've left its home for a strange land...

Ramblings Of A Mum At Her Last 29+

This evening, when I was putting my son to bed (and it took me more than half an hour, because of his resistance like every other toddler hating to sleep and endlessly asking for water, for toilet and etc), and suddenly started thinking about my childhood friends, relatives, places that I have been and loved. Then I really felt that I miss all that so much.
That authenticity. Authenticity of youth years, of friendship, of relationships that form your character and future too.
I started to miss visiting my friends, whose families I was close with and I would always stay with them for dinner.
I can't remember single friend of mine, whom I have visited and left without dinner.
That is all about my tiny lovely country Georgia. Yes, the incredible Georgian hospitality is not a myth. It is true from the beginning to the end. People will open up for you, they will feed you, will give you to drink, they will sacrifice their last piece of bread, but will never upset a guest.

This tradition is given from G-d to my people (I am so lucky having TWO nations). The first and the most hospitable man was Abraham, who would sit out of his tent and wait for anyone to appear, so he could feed the traveler, let him rest and talk to him about One Creator.

That is Georgia.
Hospitality, being friendly, open, HUMANE.

I have never seen anything like that in other countries. And believe me, I have visited not few.
Staying for dinner?

Once I was invited to a friend's house in Europe, who threw a big party. I came with my other friend, because I couldn't leave her alone, plus I thought it wouldn't make much difference, since the friend who was throwing a party, was a really rich one. Well, it did :-( she told me right away that she didn't expect me to bring a friend too and I should've told her before.
I was so disappointed, I could cry.

Because I come from Georgia and bringing your uninvited friend to a party is not a problem at all. Hosts will welcome everyone same. The poorer man is, the kinder heart he has.

So why am I writing this anyway?
I just wish I had friends here too that I could visit spontaneously, just dropping by for some tea and staying for dinner, then coming over and making pajama party just like that. I miss that.
I realise, times change, like we all do and you can't always be carefree and wild.
I am almost 30 and so are most of my childhood friends obviously. We try to catch up online, but it doesn't really work. We still lose the closeness, we lose the important moments even though we share them via social media.

I think I wish I were as hospitable as Abraham. I wish I were as kind as Rebeccah who gave Eliezer and his camels to drink, I wish I were as selfless as Rachel Imeinu, who didn't think twice to save her sister's dignity and gave up her love for it... I wish I were as humble as Moses, as peaceful as Aaron... and I could go on without ending, because all our forefathers- and mothers were special.
So when hard times come up and I feel like I cannot take anymore, because some things are just too hard for my post feminist and socialist self, then I remember all those people, their good deeds, their efforts so we could still live and remember who is ABOVE us, it gets easier. Not very much, but little easier than before.

I am this 29,5 year old mama who never got away from her Salinger-y self. Don't think I ever will ;-)

Me Against The World?

I haven't been much out lately to interact with people, do talks and smart discussions like I used to in my "youth". Let me say last three years.
Plus I always blame pregnancy and postpartum brain that doesn't really go away soon, at least mine, to bring the old Sophie back, who could read tons of books and then discuss about them. This is probably why I feel like I have been out of this world for good and have become sort of introvert too.

Nowadays I am this laid back, old fat mama of two little boys, who is not as laid back as she might seem to be ;-)
I am a worrier. Sometimes I just can't sleep because I worry about anything and anyone I have ever known. Really. I may have met someone just for once, but I worry how is that person doing now, is he/she happy, is he/she satisfied with life, is he/she healthy and etc. I have always been that way. I remember I was about 5 years old when one of my friend's mum got seriously sick and my friend could not come out to play (yes, I grew up in THE time when children used to go out in the yard/streets and play together). At night when my mum wished me good night, I burst into tears, because my friend's mum was sick in hospital and nobody could kiss her goodnight that night. I remember asking G-d to never make any child's mum sick so children could go out and play with friends freely, then go to sleep happy because their mums kissed them and wished them good night.

Yes, that's what kind of a girl I have always been. It doesn't matter that I'll be 30 this year, that character of mine has never changed.

Ireland - my spiritual homeland

So honestly, I logged on to write about something else and look where my typing hands got me.
I meant to write about a guest we had, who studies anthropology and humanity history, I hope I say it right. That guest was saying that today's culture, world culture and probably mostly the 1st world one,  is so depressive and even aggressive, because it almost demands from everyone to be "unique", "creative", "original", "cool" and etc. If you are just a regular nice guy, you have already lost my friend. You have to be something more, something that nobody has been before. Yeah, right. Now who believes in that?
Almost whole western world, I answer.

So when once some other guest came over and told me I should be a real minimalist, I knew it was meant to say, my home is simple and I have no sense of "creativity". Well, that is true actually. And I have my reasons (as usual).
First off, I don't like spending money on things that I don't know how to use and why to use. I don't and can't do beautiful things out of nothing like many people do and good for them. Plus, I really like having more space to BREATHE and to dance with my boys. Plus we always have space for guests and are never afraid something might break, because we don't own "cool" stuff.

Second, I am really the most non-creative person of non-creatives. I see beauty and appreciate things when other people do, but I have no desire to do that myself. For example I am so fond of Talia's (and her husband's too) photos, videos and beautiful things she makes, quilts, paints; that artistic talent absolutely becomes and defines her. Because she has it naturally.
I know people can learn all that if they want to, but I think I don't really, because I'd rather read Salinger for 100000000th time and then write letters to Ezra and Aaron telling them how hard it is to be a woman and how they should respect and appreciate me and then their wives, when they have ones on their time :-) or how they should be asking (right) questions all the time and never let system get them down.

Now to resume, I am against superficial creativity as well as against superficial hipsters and coffee drinkers, who don't even like coffee, but still drink just because they heard that would make them "hipper", and don't let me start on their nerdy spectacles, please :-D
I am also against this world and popular culture that is destroying our souls and raising terrible egos.
So I should go to sleep now. See you later, World! Beware.

P.S. Ok. After all this stuff, I went (not literally) and installed Instagram on my old Samsung Galaxy S 3 Mini, which takes horrible pictures, but it's not the point. Aaron is teething (he's already got one and another coming) terribly, only sleeps on me, which is very nice, warm and all, but mama needs to entertain herself when she has time (depends on Ezra naturally), doesn't she? So what can be more entertaining than looking at the beautiful instafiltered lives of others :lol: nothing. So you can follow me if you want to and share your life :-D it's "sunnysof".
Am I really against this world? Go figure*.

*I've never used this phrase in my life before and let me play with my English phraseology, will you please, Mister Paul Auster? :-D Now hold that thought, because I should write about Paul Auster some time soon.

G-dly union

This morning Ezra, his grandma and I went to the Leipzig train station to do some grocery shopping. When we passed that block, where they sell tickets, I saw a girl who lived in the midrasha too, but she came there right after I got married and left. Now she's just married too. She's really nice and sweet; her husband is also very intelligent and handsome guy.

It was so nice to see her - all smiley and happy, positive and full of hopes and dreams as all newly married girls are. I wanted to hug her and tell her, best life is about to come and wish her all the best that could be in the world.

[You know, sometimes I might be as cold as ice, but mostly I am such heartful sentimental person that can't help loving people - strangers or friends, no matter.]

But I didn't because I've seen that girl only twice in my life and we had literally said only two words to each other: "Gut Shabbes" -- as she was visiting the midrasha for Shabbat then. And I was a bride, all excited, scared, emotional, crazy, witty - saying funny things and hiding I was nervous about losing my freedom and becoming involved in this institution called marriage, so I couldn't pay enough attention to the newcomers, I am really sorry now.

And here, I saw her, lovely bride with sparkling eyes and glowing face with happiness.
I can't explain better, all the words are vain.

Anyone who knows how beautiful and meaningful traditional Jewish wedding is, will understand my emotions and excitement. I respect every religion and believe that all humans around the world are same, they all have heart and soul, they all want to be loved and give love, but when it comes to traditions, nothing can be compared to the Jewish life which is guided by Torah.
Everyone has God, but only Jews have Torah, which means we have double credit :) this is a half joke, because Torah is G-d and G-d is Torah, but what I mean is, that this is the only Book which gives life and is life Itself.
Naturally, Bible belongs to the world, but essential Torah with its beautiful commentaries is only mine (I mean it not literally for sure, rather philo-Sophie-cally).

It is said that receiving Torah from Hashem by Jews was like a wedding between Jewish nation and G-d, because this is most sacred and wholly union on the planet. For only husband and wife can be as close as it can ever be. They are one flesh and one soul, one creation - like G-d and Jewish people.
I know some will think I exaggerate as every sort of religious fanatic does, but all I want to say is that looking at that girl and her new husband made me realise this once more - there is nothing more beautiful than Jewish marriage where two souls are united for G-d and from G-d.

May You My Friends Live Long and Happy Life full of Joy and Torah Light!!! May Hashem bless you with many healthy children and granchildren! Amen!!!

Here are some photos from my own wedding. Yeah. It was not so long ago, it's been 2 years. So fresh and vivid still :)

Thank you note

I am so excited, I can't handle myself :)))

Now. Catch back your breath, Soph!

I started a new little project on my Georgian blog called "ladies' room" - all right, it has nothing to do with bathrooms, but if you really think about it, it might. It is very widespread thing that women love going to bathroom together, you know, to refresh their make up, to smoke (if it's allowed), to cry their heart out about ***holes, they've been in love with forever and they don't even notice; to snub others's outfit or hair, just sit there and tear the toilet paper listening to their friends' complain and etc.

Thus, this project was opened yesterday and now it's getting better and better. Lady bloggers will write about their experiences, hobbies or about their love affairs, family issues and anything they wish.

How it went: I've been blogging there since 2008. I read many English-speaking women blogs, which are great, inspiring and so empowering too. There are sort of women blogger communities who support each other, blog about similar issues, promote each other and just leave their nice comments to cheer one another -- which I find so noble and necessary (we always need some positive or critical feed back). So I thought Georgian women bloggers should also unite and make projects like this -- blog more, comment more and have fun too obviously.
Then I also realised that Georgian blogging needed some renewal, some re-branding, let me put this way, some lighting up, and I should've been the one to bring those lovely ladies together and ask them to make a post or two for my project.
I didn't expect I would get such positive responds back and SUCH personal posts, letters confiding and trusting in me, for which I am above than just thankful.
THANK YOU!!!

No need to say that Georgia is one of the warmest, loveliest and dearest country in the world, where people might be crazy sometimes, but most of the times they are openhearted, kind and always ready to help you.
So, visit beautiful Georgia of mine, enjoy the miraculous nature and read more of me.

Have a lovely week everyone!

Purim then and now, and always

Old Midrasha Purim 2011 - my friend and then room-mate Liora "Pippy Long stockings" and me "self made pirate or Clint Eastwood vs Moshe Dayan", scary!

It's been snowing like mad for two whole days or even more. So I very much doubt we're taking Ezra to the Purim dinner at the community centre. We can't definitely move the stroller in this snow, our car is also covered with beautiful fluffy whiteness, plus the baby car seat got really small and uncomfortable for Ezra. Usually we don't get to ride in car with our dad that often, we mostly use public transport which is a blessing in Germany. Always on time, clean and clear.

As for Purim itself. It's magical. If you remember, the story takes place in Shushan, place in Persia, where it must have been very hot and nothing like Germany. Anyway, thousands of years later we're still in exile, thousands of miles away from Persia as well, and still, all the Jews celebrate Purim the same: reading megillat Esther, singing, children making lots of noise with groggers, everyone dressing up like queen Esther or Mordechai, King Achashverosh or evil Haman, and so on.

As it most of the time happens to me, I packed up the mishloach manot and then remember I had to take photos. Well, missed it.

All right, and what did I make?
1) Lemon cupcakes (although my husband is not fond of it, he liked it this time)
2) MUST have Hamantaschen
3) Gozinaki - traditional Georgian sweet made of honey and various nuts and seeds.

What else did I put in Mishloach Manot?
4) Fruits
5) Teabags
6) Fruit juice (you're supposed to give drinks)

Someone told me the other day that Purim is the day when one has to pray a lot because it's time when your prayers are heard. Then she added, don't waste your Sunday on wrapping up the presents, but pray.
That's when I realised me and that person would never get along. Not that I am very bad at praying, actually I am, no, that person just ignored the idea behind mishloach manot. Hey, it's not just wrapping up presents and getting rid of them, but putting all you heart and soul to make people happy. That is definitely my idea of it. So I skip praying part and go directly to wrapping up which I've already done.

You know what? There are no special times for praying. G-d hears us ANYTIME we're ready to talk. He's not an Oberburgermeister (kind of mayor for German cities) who has specific times to receive audiences and listen to them. He's not HUMAN, people, He just was, is and will be, remember? Purim is absolutely about coming together, having good time, sing, dance, laugh and give each other presents, not only material, but just a hug, or smile, or say a funny joke and make somebody's moody day.

Happy Purim!!!

P.S. I guess I am dressing up as a Persian lady today, have no other choice anyway, my mother couldn't come this time and we're left without our Purim clothes - Georgian national costumes, that was. Hopefully next time.

PrePurim Preps

Purim is my favourite festival. It has so many symbols and hidden miracles that I can't help but fall in love with megillah, Purim spiel and of course, mishloach manot every year all over again.

Last year I was very pregnant at Purim time and couldn't really manage to make loads of things. I made only gozinaki and Hamantaschen for our community friends.
This year Ezra's 10 months old for Purim, he's big and well behaved (sometimes) boy, so I have more energy and motivation to make nice things for us and friends as well.

Here are some pictures of my work in progress. Preparing for Shabbat and Purim at the same time, not easy, but definitely fun and lovely.
The final results (and recipes too) will be posted later when it's all ready and packed :)

Gut Shabbes and Purim Sameach!!!

Panoramic dream

Do you know where we went today? To the Panoramic museum of Yadegar Asisi in Leipzig. And do you know why is it so important?
All right, I am about to tell you.

Back in 2010 when I visited Leipzig for second time with the group of friends from the midrasha, we went to that very museum to see Amazonia. Beautiful and outstanding project by famous architect and artist Yadegar Asisi (of Persian origin, born in Austria).
I was so bewitched by it, that when my future husband and I started dating, it was one of the places we went on our dates.

I mean, we weren't engaged yet, it was early March (but sunny), after visiting this museum, we decided to chill outside on the bench, eating pistachios and letting the early Spring sun to warm our faces. I'll never forget that day. It was much more than any romantic date could have been. It was all we needed then: peace, culture and pistachios :)

And now, after two years, we still went there.
So changed though. Never mind my extra kilos, or late Winter rain.
We went there with Ezra, our 10 months old baby.

Isn't life great after all?
There might be hard times and difficulties that make you forget those old tender moments, when you were just yourselves, full of dreams and passion of unknown, because we didn't know each other for long time, but the moments like it was this morning when we strolled down to the Panoramic with Ezra and saw the bench where we sat couple of years ago, it made both of us smile.

 Yeh, those old buildings are so moody European

I used to insist that it's not about places, but faces. I think I might change my mind now. It is about places too, because they sort of make you appreciate and remember precious faces and times. At least that's what happened to me/us today.
And Ezra loved the Panoramic too. At first we hesitated because of the loud sounds, but Ezra looked so happy and joyful, we just moved on and enjoyed new and also overwhelming project of Asisi about mount Everest this time.

This photo is brought from the website of Asisi - so no rule was transgressed since I am very against taking pictures at museums (unlike so many people)

Still so much to achieve - Hasta La Victoria Siempre?

In 2011 I had almost everything planned including wedding and pregnancy. I had made notes that I'd do this and that at this or that time, and I actually made it. There were even things coming true that I had in mind, but did not quite long for so for 2012 I made no plans whatsoever. Probably that's why it was most complicated and spontaneous year.

The best moment of 2012 was Ezra's birth. Although, surprisingly, on 37th week with odd water breaking and labour so quick nobody believes when I tell. It is genetic, don't be jealous. My mum had me in two hours after contractions and my youngest aunt had her second child in an hour after contractions started.
There were ups and downs, Ezra was colicky nearly four months and sometimes he wouldn't nap the whole day, or he had to be nursed every 1,5-2 hours which made me feel like a milk factory. Plus I had my moments that I call Postpartum Sophression, I hadn't realised that I was mum and my life had changed for ever. I wanted to be free and wild as before, write whenever I liked, read and enjoy my morning coffee in peace. In short, I hadn't prepared myself for motherhood properly.
In July my husband's grandmother passed away. She was the smartest and wittiest old lady I've met. She was 80, lived in Israel and visited us for wedding, that's when I met her for the first and last time. You've probably never seen an old lady so content and full of life, but illness never asks about that, does it? She never got to see Ezra, only his pictures that she loved to look at.
In Autumn my husband started a new well paid job, but you know nobody pays you well in this capitalistic world for nothing, he had to work very hard and was stressed most of the time. It also happened that my father in law passed away right after Yom Kippur which was something whole family had to cope with. We're still recovering.

I think I only wrote "downs", but there were "ups" too.
My mum came and stayed with us for 1,5 months, I don't know how I could have managed without her. Hashem, give her long and healthy life!!! 
I also started to enjoy being mum after 3-4 months, when Ezra became little human rolling and cuddling, laughing and babbling around. I loved and still love breastfeeding. I consider it most beautiful and strong gift that G-d has given to women. No matter how hard it is, being a woman, experiencing period or labour pains, we still have this awesome strength to bring lives in the world, feed them and comfort them like no-one else, so who remembers the hard parts?
In August we went to Rammenau, which is a little peaceful village near Dresden and Sächsische Schweiz (meaning Sachsonian Switzerland). We rented a little cute country house with beautiful green garden where we could breathe a fresh air so needed after living in a city.
Last but not least, in Autumn we had our great festivals, Ezra's first Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Simchat Torah. Jewish festivals are not easy if you're observant, but as they are family focused and teaching what is really important in this world, makes everything special.

I guess that was all about 2012. I am glad it is over and looking forward for future. Future always is or must be better than past.

As for 2013 I need to make some planning so it doesn't slip through my fingers like 2012.

1. I must lose weight - I weighed 65 kilos when got pregnant and don't ask me how much I gained :| after giving birth I lost quite quickly, but now I have gained it back I guess and weigh 76 kilos, which is scary. I got such broad shoulders like a weight pusher and legs like football player. Seriously.
2. Blog more and seriously - this word "seriously" already makes me giggle, but let's hope, ok?
3. Work out - not only to keep in shape, but my doctor recommended because I've been having pain in my back since pregnancy. It's because of the relaxed muscles that prepare for child delivery.
4. Learn to knit socks - for that I need my mum to visit us again. Online lessons are not for me.
5. Be nice to people - especially to the ones I don't like. It is very easy to be nice with beloved ones, evil people can do that too.
6. Try to learn more kodesh - TaNaCh.
7. Read more books in Hebrew - to Ezra.
8. Complete my German course.
9. Learn how to take nice photos - this is a challenge for me. Even though I got a new camera for my birthday, haven't found time or patience to read the manual anyway :D
10. Give as much LOVE LOVE LOVE as possible - to my husband, Ezra, my mum, my in-laws and friends (real or online ones).

Becoming oneself

Yes, pregnancy is hard, but being mum is harder. Forget the sleepless nights and early morning wake ups, forget the sore nipples in the beginning that make you scream and mad at the baby, never mind changing diapers with funny consistency in them; it is also you that changes when you become mum. Your life is never going to be the same. You will never be the same (thank G-d, don't wanna be either). The self of yours will change.

 

Every girl dreams about marriage, rather they dream about beautiful shiny wedding, princess gown, lovely guy that looks his best that day, people who came to watch and cherish the couple... all that cliche, you know.
Last year I was the main character of that cliche thing actually.
Got married in June 2011.
It was beautiful, I admit. There were my dear friends and people who I love, respect and wished to be there. It was a tiny dreamy day. Really.
It was about time, yes, I was no toddler definitely; at my 26 I had realized I was ready to tie the knot (boy, sounds this funny!) with this good man making me melt down like Amelie. So I did.
Even in my wildest dreams I would not be having traditional (orthodox actually) Jewish wedding with loads of charedi rabbis. I used to think I was a wild flower - to be sunny, funny and witty all the way.
Now I don't think marriage did any harm to my wild flowery character. It might have even improved me in a way one does when gets married and changes its life. I told to one of my closest friends that marriage is a huge challenge and being mum - battlefield :D it is, isn't it? True values have price to pay - change yourself, fight the demons that might be your inner friends and calm yourself down when baby cries so hard you have no idea how to soothe him.

Thus, it's been a year since then and we had a baby boy in April 2012, little prePesach wonder of ours. Ezra's his name and he's got my blue greyish eyes. He smiles as seldom as his dad, very much ashkenazi indeed.

This year has been quite a year. We've had some ups and downs as everyone does. We had hard times and we overcame them; this year made my post-feminist spirit realize that I belong to someone and actually like it;
I do cook, clean, do all the housewife thing, sometimes get mad (that's all media putting pressure) that women are never appreciated as they deserve; I am becoming one of those Jewish mums always having a cake or two in the fridge.

I can't really tell you where I stand now. I do not have much time for thinking, I have to do all as fast as I can, get some sleep, be a loving wife, take care of the baby, and only then I look in the mirror and see the familiar face of that post-feminist wild flower having found her true self. Oneself.

2012 Purim, Ok and that's all for now

This year's been full of changes and saying this I feel like deja vu all the time. I think since 2010 my life's been going through such changes that one may go crazy. As for myself - do not worry, never heard someone went in the same water twice as they say.

Anyway, Purim was good, but as every other festival, you wait for it forever and it lasts for a second, then the celebration is gone and you're left with the hope of next and better one. Oh, and loads of chametz to finish till Pesach.


Yes, I baked loads of Hamantaschen this year for Purim and hope people liked them. We had them for Shabbat dessert too and my husband thought they were good enough; since he's only fond of a Russian type of creamy-sweets and fat tarts, it sounded quite as a compliment.
Making Gozinaki did torture me though. I stayed up till late to make it proper so that one could've given away. You need patience to make a good Gozinaki, trust me as I come from "the land of nuts and honey". In the end it came out delicious indeed and hope, people who tried it did not regret knowing me.
That's how our Purim went.
We had this very extraordinary Purim hopping party where we visited three families of our community. Each one of them had a very original idea for food and drinks, there were Russian, Mexican and USA snacks. Very enjoyable, truly. I love Leipzig community more and more, relaxed and family-like, you can be in your shoes and be happy if you know what I mean. Usually it is always hard to stay in your shoes and not to try some fancier ones but the thing is I've always preferred my mainstream shoes to others' couture ones so I like Leipzig better than any other place I've ever lived; even in Tbilisi you get depressed about shoes and all the material crap that is. Well, it's not about the shoes you can always tell.
So right now I absolutely second east Germany.

Pesach is coming up so are some of my important dates and it makes me nervous how am I supposed to clean and prepare everything with my growing self? :) Then I just remember I should not worry and stress myself, but let it go and as I've read here, just feel OK, because when I am OK, everyone else around is OK too.
OK?

Post-Soviet Me

'You know, it's all just humor. Don't take life so seriously. Don't take fashion too seriously. Don't take the movie industry too seriously. Don't take love and your relationship so goddamned heavy all the time. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Life is high school and it's small and everybody talks about everybody, so just laugh your ass off.'

Drew Barrymore

It's not always so easy to do so we all know it. I wish I could be as lighthearted as Drew states herself in this sentence.

If I were born in sunny California I might also feel that way. Sure it is easy not to take life seriously when you haven't spent your childhood in the destroyed Soviet Union in 90's, or you've never experienced learning English by the light of the gas lamp. No jokes here. When I was at school it was absolutely normal for the electricity to go on and off, and doing home work near the terribly smelly gas lamp was just a regular evening thing.

Why do I recall all of this?
I don't know.
It has been my life and no matter how fast I run I can never get away from it so all I have to do is to write it down and let you know.
I often have dreams about the past; the past that was so surreal you would not believe and sometimes I don't want to believe either. Dreams about people that are there no more, dreams about the places that have faded away and the feelings that came out false and dreams about this little piece of flesh beating in one's chest and making the blood boil...
But dreams always end by the morning and another surreality starts which is known as real life and which is more illogical than the dreams one had last night.
I guess the Soviet Union was a dream too. Unbearable dream for some people. Utopia. And Utopia is nothing but surreal, isn't it?
So you can never blame this little (relatively) me of being irrational or too rational because I am a product of the gas lamp generation; the product of the lame American movies and the wall that has never been there even though the whole world claimed it was.
All my friends are the products too. Not only friends but all the people that lived around that time and by the end of the 90's did not know whether laugh or cry after becoming the citizens of so called democratic republics (for this I recommend you amazing German movie "Good bye, Lenin").
Democracy, my feet. As some people would say politely.
There is no such thing.
There's only dream, dreamers and G-d laughing at the latter.

Sometimes I do feel that life is not worth of eating oneself. Then I am carefree and laughing out loud realizing the vanity of being. I am not the first one to notice that becoming psychotic about things do not make them work actually, you only win when you are calm and self confident.
And again, does winning always means getting what you really want or need?
No it doesn't.

Therefore:

What you need you already have and what you want is just a matter of time, that's what would I suggest and keep smiling not minding my dark post-soviet childhood.

P.S. I've been 27 since last Friday :) that makes a girl think, no?

A Month

I am so nervous right now.
I am so anxious.
I am so terrified.

19th of May means it is a month to go...

And I miss my fiance so much, it gets harder and harder to live apart.
The weather is stupid as usual - it started to rain then the sun showed up, I wanted to go to sleep meanwhile but now I think I'd better go and get things done.

Georgian consulate is not answering my calls which drives me mad and I probably will go there on Monday without an appointment at all. These government offices are so disturbing, aren't they? Have you ever seen any official representative of the country that would welcome and help you? I have not. Never indeed. And it is not just Georgia, no, my Israeli friends also complain about that, so do others.
It does not comfort me though.
I wanted some paper to be done soon.

I feel so tired, sleepless; my head aches, back aches, eyes ache, stomach aches and I think everything is getting on my nerves, even those things not connected to my body.

Oh, in addition with that I got James Joyce's "Ulysses" and I intend to read it soon. How soon, that is the question :D

Drew Barrymore has got new boyfriend, have I told you that? He's ok. I still prefer Justin Long to him but as long as Drew's happy I am happy. I actually wish I could invite her on my wedding. Wouldn't it be swell?
Anyway.

Drew and Will Kopelman

I am going to be a married woman in a month who will have to take care of her husband, household; one to make home most warm and peaceful place. It is so exciting and little frightening as well because it is something new and unknown, but as my fiance would've said, everyone goes through this and so will we.

Free as a bird

I quit my Georgian blog couple of days ago. No explanations - those people who know me and who have read Salinger's "Franny and Zooey" will understand me anyway. I was putting too much pressure on myself and had forgotten my motto: to be free as a bird.

I don't need SUNNY WORLD to make me feel completely Sunny, I don't need many comments to feel honored; I don't need anything but to feel G-d's presence wherever I go and whatever I do. I have so many friends, teachers, Midrasha :) and inspiring celebrity soul sister Drew Barrymore. BH!

I'm just too happy to blog :lol:

Silence Is Golden

One of my friends on Facebook just posted this status: "Let thy words be few" and I remembered that I told the same thing to my other friend on Facebook (where else) and that person erased me from its friend list right away. Complicated?

It is funny that I erased someone else yesterday before I got erased myself by "that" very other person. I did that just because he was bugging me and telling me how smart I am and what beautiful soul I have got. Oh my goodness! I hate people keep saying that and plus advertising their websites. That is disgusting. I know very well what kind of person I am. Compliment can be said once, then Thanks and Ciao. Ok, I remember what F. Scott Fitzgerald has said, about advantages and all, but person has to have some logic and brain to analyze people, things and react afterward.

Now it's more complicated, I see :))

That's why I'd rather listen than talk. Although I am no lover of golden things, silence becomes me :)

Mazal Tov!

I am so excited about my friend Naomi.
She just got engaged. Oh, my!
Naomi & I have been friends for a year but I feel like I've known her forever. She's such helpful and loyal friend. I am so happy for her. She is smart, beautiful, funny and very outgoing, it is always interesting to be with her. We have spent lots of Shabbats together and I am so thankful to her for she helped me a lot.

Well, I do not need much reason to be happy and smily, but this news of Naomi's engagement really took my breath away. I mean it. Isn't it amazing that three girls of our MaBaT got engaged during these last 2 months? Oh!!! I can't wait to see Naomi and then, G-d willing, to dance at her wedding till I drop.

MAZAL TOV!!! Hooray!!!

Can we do anything???

Know that everything is according to the reckoning. And let not your evil inclination promise you that the grave will be an escape for you - for against your will you were created; against your will you were born; against your will you live; against your will you die, and against your will you are destined to give an account before the King Who rules over kings, the Holy One, Blessed is He.

(Rabbi Elazar HaKappar. Pirkei Avot 4:29)

"Pirkei Avot" is the book that I read on Shabbat. I read when I feel good and bad. I read when I have nowhere to escape and you cannot escape from yourself, you know. Today I found this quote and could not wait to share it with you.

Free will has always been an issue that bothered me since I have begun to understand life, world and G-d. My mother kept saying, you just do it, what you have to do, and the result will be from above. Sometimes I was doing what I had to do and sometimes - not. Especially if you read something like this and think: if everything is destined and happens without my will, what should I act for? If I have no power to change my life, why should I go on?

One of my friends told me that it is not a right way to think.
We, humans, are free to choose the way we go, even though it was destined for us to see it. One still has to decide where to go, what to be, what to wear, what to eat...

And still, can we??? Can we really decide what our life should be like?
I do not know and this is the question no-one could answer me so far :| Because nobody really knows. There are controversial facts, speeches and all, so one says what he/she believes or according to its life experiences, childhood and etc.

That is why I adore "Pirkei Avot", you can always find something deep in it and have thinking for rest of your life. By the way, was it destined for me to love "Pirkei Avot" anyway???

G-d's movie

Sometimes we think that we did not deserve all the hard things we got into. We think we are much better than G-d can see us we are. That is how we become stressed, empty and lonely.

Today I miss my friends so much. I even wrote an e-mail to Tea and Chili. Skyped Dina and listened to her Israel trip story. And missed them even more.

I've been missing my dear people for all my life, really. Most of them have been living far from me and we just grow up without seeing each other; things happen - we cry, we laugh, we love, we do not love, we feel solitude, we have fun... and all this goes being far apart.

I wrote to Tea that we hardly and seldom understand life. We call it life and it's just G-d's movie where we play our very roles - some good and some bad, but the end is always depended on director's will.

THANK YOU

Thank YOU, G-d, for giving me this chance to be a girl as I am :)
Thank you mum for everything that you have been doing for me.
Thank you my friends, each of you, for what you are and who you are.
Thank you my blog readers, I know you are there (here) and make my day, and I know you know who you are :)
Thank you World for being my shelter, anywhere I go I know this world is mine.

AND

Thank you, crazy sunny Sophie Golden - you make trouble, you get into trouble, you try to grow up and be better person. You're quite good girl. Thank you for these 25 years we have been together and will be even more.

THANK YOU!