I want my BACK back

Sometimes it's crazy what you may see from your window. I haven't even looked out today, I just mean it in a metaphoric way. Window is like a heart or soul, I look into it and try to catch it, but can't. This window is so slippery. Have you seen this Marquez-book-like dreams? I have - swimming in the violet sea and seeing dead people in it. I mean not dead literally, they were swimming and all just not knowing they're dead. So I closed my window and went to sleep.

Oh, how am I really doing? Had a terrible back ache yesterday. I had it coming. I was standing whole day on Yom Kippur and was even proud of myself for being so strong. Remember, never overestimate your powers! That's what I've been doing for life and it always ends with back ache and stressful mood. Plus I've got one of my contact lenses ripped and have to buy new one. This is depressing, I thought it would last for 3 months. But who cares about lenses, I wish my back ache passes soon.

Been listening to Lily Allen today. Time to go out for a walk and exercise my poor back a bit.

Apres moi le deluge?

This wind is killing me. Today when I was driving back home from bank thought to myself, what if this wind means the end of the world. Would I care?
Well. Not really. Apres moi le deluge, as cold hearted king used to say. Not only after me, I think I won't really care if the end comes right away and perishes the world for good. What will I know anyway?

So it is really stupid to think about nature craziness while you have no power to change it. Sometimes this nature thing really bothers me and makes me feel weak, but in the end I realize that everything has its reason, so when I hear the wind against my window, I should think about what have I done in this world, have I achieved all that I've always wanted? Or am I just the same baby one who came here and did nothing but eating and defecating?

I think I'm more than that. I should be.

Can we do anything???

Know that everything is according to the reckoning. And let not your evil inclination promise you that the grave will be an escape for you - for against your will you were created; against your will you were born; against your will you live; against your will you die, and against your will you are destined to give an account before the King Who rules over kings, the Holy One, Blessed is He.

(Rabbi Elazar HaKappar. Pirkei Avot 4:29)

"Pirkei Avot" is the book that I read on Shabbat. I read when I feel good and bad. I read when I have nowhere to escape and you cannot escape from yourself, you know. Today I found this quote and could not wait to share it with you.

Free will has always been an issue that bothered me since I have begun to understand life, world and G-d. My mother kept saying, you just do it, what you have to do, and the result will be from above. Sometimes I was doing what I had to do and sometimes - not. Especially if you read something like this and think: if everything is destined and happens without my will, what should I act for? If I have no power to change my life, why should I go on?

One of my friends told me that it is not a right way to think.
We, humans, are free to choose the way we go, even though it was destined for us to see it. One still has to decide where to go, what to be, what to wear, what to eat...

And still, can we??? Can we really decide what our life should be like?
I do not know and this is the question no-one could answer me so far :| Because nobody really knows. There are controversial facts, speeches and all, so one says what he/she believes or according to its life experiences, childhood and etc.

That is why I adore "Pirkei Avot", you can always find something deep in it and have thinking for rest of your life. By the way, was it destined for me to love "Pirkei Avot" anyway???

He is not upthere

I've been thinking about islam this morning and now I was looking for some pictures, and found this:

So I decided to post about it.
I do not like talking about religion. I think it is something that everyone has to choose by itself. You whether believe in G-d or not. Plus, you need to live for G-d to understand His existence. If a person denies Him talking about philosophy, phisics, chemistry and so on, it means that that person denies its own heart. Because you need emotions to observe religion - is it Judaism, Christianity, Islam or Buddhism.

The main idea of every religion is kindness, humanity, love.
Well, you may definitely ask: then why on earth are all those wars going on because of religion? My answer is this: those people who shoot each other for God's sake, that is not the G-d at all. In our world it is all about power and money, and I keep thinking what Nietzsche would have said: "Is man one of God's blunders? Or is God one of man's blunders?"

Well, I do not hope everything will work out. This world just cannot live without wars, even though everyone agrees to the existence of One G-d. They still need to fight, shed the blood and go to hell, if there is something of a kind.

I am religious. I live for G-d and I am sure He is always there for me. There will always be people who will chuckle about my observance, and those ones who will admire my choice, but only I know what I really believe in is not something easyunderstandable, it is in me, if you know what I mean.

Have you seen this movie "The Believer"??? When Ryan Gosling's character is running upstairs to find the Lord, and his teacher says: "He's not there".

Yes. HE IS NOT UP THERE. He is here inside our head and heart.