G-dly union

This morning Ezra, his grandma and I went to the Leipzig train station to do some grocery shopping. When we passed that block, where they sell tickets, I saw a girl who lived in the midrasha too, but she came there right after I got married and left. Now she's just married too. She's really nice and sweet; her husband is also very intelligent and handsome guy.

It was so nice to see her - all smiley and happy, positive and full of hopes and dreams as all newly married girls are. I wanted to hug her and tell her, best life is about to come and wish her all the best that could be in the world.

[You know, sometimes I might be as cold as ice, but mostly I am such heartful sentimental person that can't help loving people - strangers or friends, no matter.]

But I didn't because I've seen that girl only twice in my life and we had literally said only two words to each other: "Gut Shabbes" -- as she was visiting the midrasha for Shabbat then. And I was a bride, all excited, scared, emotional, crazy, witty - saying funny things and hiding I was nervous about losing my freedom and becoming involved in this institution called marriage, so I couldn't pay enough attention to the newcomers, I am really sorry now.

And here, I saw her, lovely bride with sparkling eyes and glowing face with happiness.
I can't explain better, all the words are vain.

Anyone who knows how beautiful and meaningful traditional Jewish wedding is, will understand my emotions and excitement. I respect every religion and believe that all humans around the world are same, they all have heart and soul, they all want to be loved and give love, but when it comes to traditions, nothing can be compared to the Jewish life which is guided by Torah.
Everyone has God, but only Jews have Torah, which means we have double credit :) this is a half joke, because Torah is G-d and G-d is Torah, but what I mean is, that this is the only Book which gives life and is life Itself.
Naturally, Bible belongs to the world, but essential Torah with its beautiful commentaries is only mine (I mean it not literally for sure, rather philo-Sophie-cally).

It is said that receiving Torah from Hashem by Jews was like a wedding between Jewish nation and G-d, because this is most sacred and wholly union on the planet. For only husband and wife can be as close as it can ever be. They are one flesh and one soul, one creation - like G-d and Jewish people.
I know some will think I exaggerate as every sort of religious fanatic does, but all I want to say is that looking at that girl and her new husband made me realise this once more - there is nothing more beautiful than Jewish marriage where two souls are united for G-d and from G-d.

May You My Friends Live Long and Happy Life full of Joy and Torah Light!!! May Hashem bless you with many healthy children and granchildren! Amen!!!

Here are some photos from my own wedding. Yeah. It was not so long ago, it's been 2 years. So fresh and vivid still :)

PrePurim Preps

Purim is my favourite festival. It has so many symbols and hidden miracles that I can't help but fall in love with megillah, Purim spiel and of course, mishloach manot every year all over again.

Last year I was very pregnant at Purim time and couldn't really manage to make loads of things. I made only gozinaki and Hamantaschen for our community friends.
This year Ezra's 10 months old for Purim, he's big and well behaved (sometimes) boy, so I have more energy and motivation to make nice things for us and friends as well.

Here are some pictures of my work in progress. Preparing for Shabbat and Purim at the same time, not easy, but definitely fun and lovely.
The final results (and recipes too) will be posted later when it's all ready and packed :)

Gut Shabbes and Purim Sameach!!!

Time of wonders

Chanuka is just few days away and I haven't started to prepare yet. I still have to take out the chanukkia and clean it. We use oil chanukkia which needs to be washed and polished every year.

This year's going to be different. It's been different since Ezra was born and it will never be the same again, thank G-d. Chanuka starts on Saturday evening right after Shabbat ends so we'll be lighting one candle that night. I usually make sufganyiot (doughnuts filled with jam or chocolate) but I'll make them either on Saturday evening or Sunday, I don't have much time because Shabbat comes first as usual. Plus this Friday my brother-in-law has a birthday so he'll come over to us for Shabbat and we'll be celebrating the "double date" - beautiful queen Shabbat and his 27th birthday.
You need to make also latkes, this is Chanuka tradition. Latkes is grated potatoes with flour and spices fried in oil, which is not favoured in our family and I never make it.
Many people confuse or mix Chanuka with Christmas, or I knew some people who mistakenly thought Chanuka was somewhat alternative to Christmas. Someone even asked whose birthdays do we celebrate on those 8 days. We don't give presents on Chanuka, there's only this European Jewish tradition to give children "chanuka gelt" (Geld = money in German) which would be chocolate coins wrapped in golden paper.

Chanuka is not a festival from Torah. As you might not know there are festivals that are mentioned in the Torah where Hashem commands to observe in a particular way: like blowing shofar on Rosh Hashanah, building sukkah on Sukkot or not eating chametz on Pesach and etc. Chanuka is a festival that was established much later after Greeks conquered Jerusalem and decided to exterminate the Jewish nation (as many nations before and after had done), but they weren't killing people but trying to change their moral behaviour, to influence their culture and make Jews like themselves - people with no morality whatsoever (although this festival doesn't have a Torah value and we have no obligation to do anything, it remains as brightest and jolliest festivals in modern Jews' lives. What can we do, world is so under Western show-offy influence).
There were people who went against them and as it has happened many times during the history - Maccabees - group of "guerillas" fought against conquerors and miraculously won. When the great battle was over and Jews took Jerusalem back, high priest realised there was not enough oil in the temple to light the Menorah and give thanks to the World Creator. And then, against all the physics and chemistry, oil was burning whole 8 days which was/is, indeed, considered as a great miracle of Chanuka. Thus, G-d created everything so He can definitely make oil to burn longer, can't He?
For some this maybe just a beautiful story, but religion is mostly about stories and very strong ones, don't you agree? Because we all love stories, we believe in miracles and that's why we keep on living and winning our own Jerusalem almost everyday.

As for me, Chanuka is very important festival because I absolutely believe in miracles, I don't mean the supernatural ones, but this little life meaningful miracles like receiving exactly what I longed for, or achieving the goal that seemed impossible before. These are my miracles and most of the time they had come true at this Chanuka time. I hope we keep this tradition.
Chanuka Sameach - may you have wonderful, marvelous, lit up and lovely celebration!!! We are all G-d's miracles and it should be enough for now :)

Shabbat girls

We had really full house Shabbat this week. On Friday evening we had the mother and brother of my husband. We had chicken breasts with simple sauce and fried potatoes. For dessert I have baked Apple sauce whole wheat cake which is very delicious and easy to make, plus it rhymes, right? Funny thing is that cake is very healthy but I made the very unhealthy topping from kosher parve whipping cream that I mixed with strawberry jam and couple of spoonful sugar. We had nice chat and all, as usual my brother-in-law was grumpy about everything. He's like this eternal teenager disliking everything, complaining and then mocking. He's a great guy and good uncle, cares about Ezra, helps us with him whenever he can and gives presents to him, but such impossible one he is.

As for Friday night, it's always beautiful, candles lit on the table, flowers that my husband buys for me every erev Shabbat, hot food smell and the mood of something high coming to us for a day. They don't call Shabbat the Queen for nothing - it's really like that. No matter how tired we are Shabbat always lights and cheers our spirits; even my mum tells me she misses Shabbats at our home.

Old Midrasha days - Old Midrasha Me

Saturday morning gets little moody though, especially when you have little baby who doesn't let you sleep long. My husband leaves before 9 for synagogue, and then I pray Ezra would sleep little more and let me get some rest too. Today he napped for an hour, but it wasn't enough for me anyway. I was too tired for last week was exhausting and one Shabbat couldn't absorb it all. Plus Ezra's been coughing and sneezing for almost 5 days and you know it's so hard for mum. My heart breaks when he coughs or has blocked nose. It should pass soon, please Hashem.
Now back to Saturday morning again. After my husband comes from synagogue we make kiddush on wine and challas like we do every Friday night (blessings are difference naturally), and have delicious dinner. There were times we also used to nap but now it goes with Ezra's schedule.
This Shabbat was one of those, when my mother-in-law put Ezra to sleep and I couldn't slip away that chance, you know, so said quick "Shabbat Shalom" to everyone and jumped in bed to sleep a little.
Because I was expecting a guest from Berlin, namely, one girl from the midrasha (seminary where I've studied and lived for 2 years) and a boy who works at the youth centre where the Shabbat guests are usually hosted, plus he lives a block away from us and would've been a guide to our guest.
At 15:15 Ezra woke up and so did I, then I started to change him and my husband called me that our guests had already come and waited downstairs.
Well, there were more than 2 guests though. One more girl from the midrasha and other young pregnant woman of our community. I got really excited for I love receiving guests and treating them with sweets (I've mentioned we had delicious whole wheat cake, right?). It's always refreshing having young people around, isn't it. Especially knowing where they come from and watching them talk, walk and do things I used to do. It also made me realise how different I've become and how my points of view have changed since then. I mean, I've always been a rebel and no seminary could've possibly brainwashed me, but I realise now that there were times when I actually let some people or situations to influence me. It is not that bad, it helps a lot to step up and get over, go through and find your very own way, if you know what I mean.
I am sure those girls will find too. They are lovely and very positive girls. Definitely completed our Shabbat and Ezra loved one of those girls too who played with him and held him. He is everything but shy, especially when it comes to girls ;-)

One more Shabbat is over and new week has started. May all of us have nice, sunny, calm, lucky and joyful week! AMEN!!!

Yiddishe mama

I'm cooking Zimes/Tzimes, SO yiddishe, you know it. My husband is very very yiddishe man indeed. He was brought up in a family where his grandmum, father and uncle used to talk in little yiddish. And now that memory is so deep in his conscience that anything Yiddish means sweet and dear for him.
That's how I came to cook to him Zimmes for Shabbat. He mentioned couple of times there was this "Meren zimmes" (meaning german Möhre (carrot)) that his grandmother used to cook and he would love to taste it again. I found a recipe which goes this simple:

1 kg carrot
1/2 c sugar and 2tbs honey
50 gr raisins
100 gr butter or light margarine

Chop (I actually had carrots grated) carrots and simply stir all the ingredients in the pot at once. Cook it for 40-50 minutes on a low temperature. Oh, and before adding raisins, they need to be soaked in a hot boiled water for 15 minutes, then mix with other products in the pot.

Some people add nuts or other dry fruits to this dish, like apricot. Some even make zimmes out of sweet potatoes. Choice is yours as long as you enjoy making it and having your family happily fed on Shabbat. This is the main goal of every yiddishe mama which I think I might be becoming. But I promise I'll try not to spoil Ezra as every Jewish mum does - cooking and baking so perfectly that daughter-in-law has to work hard (really hard, I can attest to that) to impress her husband. I am a cool mum and should be even cooler mum-in-law, BS''D!

Shabbat Shalom, should say A GIT SHABBES!!!

(Just a week and little more before Rosh Hashanah! Man, so much to learn, work on and last, but NOT least, to cook loads for yom tov.)

סרוגים - the show that revealed me secrets

You may laugh at me, but before I've seen this show "Srugim", I considered myself something of a kind that they call "modern orthodox". Well, I was wrong. I have always been very bad at labeling people and even worse when it came to us. It actually appeared that being modern orthodox does not mean wearing tichel instead of sheitel or not wearing black clothes and not covering your chestline up to "neckbones". I did not know that there are people in Israel considering themselves as modern orthodox, keeping Shabbat (in a way they think it's correct), women partially covering their head and sometimes even breaking shomer negiah rule which would be women and men shaking hands and so on.

Well, Mrs Sophie Kaufman, sorry but you are no modern orthodox, never were and never will be most probably.
Neither because my husband wears black kippah and would never consider to switch it to crocheted one nor me that believes shomer negiah is one of the very important principles in Jewish tradition, NO, because I believe you either keep all the commandments and live according completely to Torah or it is just playing some game like they do in the show.


Show is all right though, at least some people may become interested exploring their religion and tradition more, concentrate on their spirituality and environment.
I absolutely like the friendship between these young people, they support each other, spend Shabbat together but when it comes to family life they don't show any interest and you don't even see their families (except some crazy brother showing up and revealing he actually doesn't believe in G-d, just fooling around).

I read some interesting article about this show saying that it encourages single couples who do not get married so soon as some others to search for other options, live modern life while still keeping commandments and remaining traditional, that helps them not to feel outcast because very often society puts huge pressure on them. There is definitely some truth in it, and we all know in most religious circles it is very hard to stay single (and happy) for a long time, that would label you as a "picky", weirdo or someone too smart (that was my favourite "label" when I was single).
Since I have single friends who are already at their late twenties and some even at their early thirties, can't agree more and I wish I could support them more for life and some people treat them little harshly. This show does support them though.

"Srugim" is a show for the age 25+ audience not for teenagers. I doubt teenagers would even really watch it, but still there is always some kind of attraction to see popular shows and create role models. You find no role model in this show though, at least I could not find one.
There is this main character Yifati, newly married, emotional and loud young woman who gets pregnant and is bossing over her really sweet husband. There is also a former frum teacher Hodeya still teaching in a religious school but having secret tattoo on her back; then there's this funny and lovely green-eyed rich girl Reut, who tries to figure our her feminism and spiritual level making kiddush on Friday evening while men listen.
Men are also present in this show, but not so interesting as women, if you ask me. They try their best but women upstage them as usually. I heard critics about characters' outfit and looks being very ordinary, but I believe that's exactly what made this show so popular: actors are very natural, dressed casually and for us who know how religious people dress have no complaint. It is mostly about attitude and not the outfit we all know it even though dress code is as important in Judaism as any other commandment to keep. They do it quite good.

Anyways, modern orthodox or charedi, whatever one might be, I think G-d brings us all together and makes us love each other for Pesach is coming up, we're free to be and first of all - one should free its mind, soul and accept its people, nourish everyone in need and show affection no matter of the dress length or the kippah colour.

Pesach veKosher Sameach!!!

Love,

Sophie-who-has-just-realized-herself-unlabeled-and-is-very-happy-about-it :)

Isaiah

Sometimes we have such calm and relaxing Shabbat I absolutely forget the outside world and just immerse myself in my warm home.
This morning I had time to read the weekly parshah "shmot" and its haftarah which was from Isaiah. The latter prophets tend to sadden me: Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ovadiah, but this week's haftarah was not that depressing. It was about the redeemer, theme of hope and rejoice.

Who are we hoping for? Do we really believe that the messiah could really help? Can he really change the social rules or make our economy better? Are we just too infantile to long for the warm motherly chest where you feel so safe you would never leave it if you knew the harshness of the world.
This is hard to understand.

I think the redeemer is inside us. Each one of us was born to carry its burden and not to give in. Yes, sometimes it might get unbearable and you feel so weak you wish you could scream and shout and bring the messiah right away. It does not happen that way though. It never will.
I remember we had amazing Rabbi Osher Baddiel last year visiting the midrasha and giving quite intellectual shiurim about Mashiach. That's what he also said quoting Rambam. Mashiach is not someone who comes and takes away all your debts, or makes water into wine. He could be anything and anyone. He is not to come and make the world easier place to live. No. The world has been designed the way it is, Adam and Eve had done what they could to make our lives extravagant and now it is all up to us to live it. To change what's been done and make the world better place.

What is the WORLD though?

Outside world is nothing that impresses me lately.
I am building this little sunny world inside. You can't change anything without changing yourself, or at least trying to.

Last year was so full of emotions and making decisions, long distance relationship, engagement, wedding, new place, new people... new environment; new him and me. And as it usually happens - loads and loads of people watching you, discussing you, wondering about your life and asking questions forgetting to respect your privacy.
Then, behold, as they say in old books: I realized this is also a part of my life. Part of my searching of the messiah that is none other but us.
Yes, life is meant to be complicated because only then you understand the importance of your people, uniqueness of the person G-d has given you, and last but not least - yourself - all grown up and still growing, groaning and moaning like an old lioness seeking justice and peace.

Would you go out?

I haven't blogged properly last month, have I? I've been quite busy and probably will be busy for rest of my life. It is actually nice being busy with something that makes you happy although you know it is not only happiness, but challenge and working on yourself for ever.

My hair and nails have same colour right now. I am half ready for Shabbat. Still haven't figured out what to wear... eternal wonder of a woman.

Have I mentioned that Midrasha's having "Dating Shabbaton" and many girls have arrived for this Shabbat? Who wouldn't anyway? Title is so catchy for the girls. Every girl likes to know more about dating and talk about it with other girls, even the nutty ones like me. I hope we're gonna have fun tonight. Sometimes you like to hang out with the girls, talk about shallow things and laugh out your guts. I love my little Midrasha girlies, I really do.

Dating issue is one of the serious things in Orthodox Judaism, not shallow at all. It is to be called matchmaking actually. When you hear about your girlfriends' dating you may have fun and laugh about it, but when it comes to you then you realize there is nothing so funny actually. You get nervous and only way to hide your anxiety is to play very cool and casual; to go on a date in your least posh clothes and minimal make up - not forgetting sunny smile and wit though ;)
Well, I am the last person to give tips about Shidduch, trust me. Life is a movie, remember? Especially my life is like the movie and I've been feeling that everything one gets is what one wants and needs. Anyway, I always behave like a frum Dylan Sanders, giggling and joking all the time.
No matter whether it's Orthodox Shidduch or not - you have to feel free and comfortable not only with the person you go out but with yourself first. It is all about making each other feel open and wild, you know. Who would go out with someone that makes you tight and shy? Not me. Although I know there are different individuals, shy ones need shy dates, weirdos go out with creepy ones and everyone's happy. As long as everyone's happy and satisfied world goes on turning, and so the population is multiplying, thank G-d.

Be cool, girls! You too, boys! :)

Shabbat Shalom!

Have a swell week end: love, live and laugh, willya?

How Beautiful We Are

There is something about Romy, isn't there?

She might had not been the most beautiful woman or a sex symbol but she was this very cattish one: sweet, cute, with playful eyes and lovely neck. Neck is something that has to be beautiful and soft in woman. Neck is the best part of a body after ears of course.
Well, you know I always like actresses who kind of remind myself. So is Romy. I was very young when a friend of my mother said to me there was something of that Romy Schneider in me. I'll never forget that. Those words changed many things for me. Little girls always need some encouragement to have confidence in the way they look and since then I've always had enough confidence and satisfaction about mine.

I believe it is important that every mother tells her daughter how beautiful and intellectually capable she is. Life is going to be tough enough and lack of self confidence may become a hard issue for a person. Not only the girls, I know my teenage nephew who also needs to be told how smart and handsome he is; my aunt has been grateful for I can easily communicate with her teenage grandchildren just being there and listening without judging. No matter whether you are somebody's mother or not - just say positive things to people, encourage them, tell them how beautiful and great they are because nothing makes the world stronger and nicer than the kind words coming out from one's mouth.
What goes around comes around, remember? Multiply kindness and have fun! Life is what we make of it.

Boy! Sometimes I feel so full of love and energy I think I may explode and destroy the world. I would be the first world destroyer by loving, so good, I should be thinking about it more... Водопад - just like my sweet teenage friend is, no?

Anyways, we are all beautiful and nice as long as we want to be so, don't we?

Have a great Shabbes!!! Enjoy week end!

Live, laugh and be good, everybody!!!

Thanks to Romy Schneider (my mother and her friend as well) for inspiring and giving me confidence to be what I am.

Sophie's Thursday

I love Thursdays.
Sometimes I don't.
Usually I do.

Oh, on Thursdays I am a chesed girl which means I go to the particular family of our community in the evening and help to cook for Shabbat. I am the least person fond of cooking but anyways I can make nice things. I made choux pastry and apple kugel at the Smith's today. I have been eager to learn cooking lately actually, I would like to feed my husband well one day. I think when you care about someone you can go over your limits and try to work on the skills you never cared about before.
Life is amazing, isn't it?

Forget that.
I still love Thursday.
It is last day of the working/studying week for me. It means after chesed I can grab a beer, peanuts and have some time with myself sitting, listening to Melanie C and watch some movie after.

Beck's gold has done its job... see you when I'm sober ;) :D

Grey Berlin and the movie life

Marilyn's pictures always inspire me. I'd love to think that I am her reincarnation in a way. At least I believe I have the little piece of her soul in me.

I had the best week end in Leipzig full of fun, emotions and alcohol. What else does a girl like me need?
Shabbat was amazing, very well organized. The Khabinsky family just swell. Went for bowling although my bowling skills not that swell. I had fun though. I liked to be there where my people were.
Visited the coffee museum on Sunday and wrote a note in a guest book. In Georgian :) I wrote that life is a movie, especially my life and I wish it remains that way: beautiful, challenging, and sweet. So is coffee, no?

Berlin is grey today. Grey and sleepy.

My friend texted me this morning. It is so nice to know how one feels, probably because I kind of felt that way too. Sometimes I am scared to show off my emotions, but then I remind myself I should not be embarrassed about my feelings and be free. I am free. Right? You are, Sophie. Thank you, friend of mine :)

My dear Robergs got back in Berlin and it makes me happy. Rabbi Roberg gave a shiur this morning. He has cold, I am so worried about him. He looked tired and pale. My heart really hurt. He is like my grandpa you know, he has supported me in many things, and has always shown he and rebbetzin are always there for me. So I felt like it is my very close person ill and weak, and I can't help with anything. I wish I could tell him how I love and respect him, I am sure he knows that anyway.

Gosh. This Tuesday blues is so funny and melancholic at the same time. Weird, isn't it? Not only Mondays, Tuesdays can be blue too.
All I ask for is - no more snow, G-d, please!!! I can't take any more cold, really. Let the Spring come and embrace me!

Blue-eyed Uncle

Last night was THE night. I went to sleep at 7 pm. Then woke up at 12 I guess when year 2011 was about to enter the world. Heard those crazy fireworks but did not even bother to get up and look out the window.

After that tried to sleep but could not for hours. I suddenly recalled all my extraordinary uncles and aunts. I have an amazing uncle really. The youngest brother of my mother. He is not quite young, he's 50 but very cool. One friend reminded me about Ping Pong game and that is why I remembered him probably. I used to play ping pong with him, and I actually always won, then he would smile with his blue eyes and say: Soph, I'll be lucky in love though. I am telling you he's funny. What love? He has grown up sons and beautiful wife. Anyway he is always eager for love I guess. I mean he does everything with his heart and soul. Sometimes I think that my crazy sense of humour is all from him. Plus he looks like my mother very much - with his big blue eyes and lovely smile, and humour just like me: you never know when he jokes and when he really means it.

I guess I felt little loneliness last night that is why I tried to escape in my adolescence and thought about my family. I have been very independent since I was little kid with reddish hair, everyone would ask my opinion and then I just grew out from all of them. I decided to live different life of a religious Jew. And left them behind. Now when I imagine that I cannot eat my uncle's fried potatoes or I need to check how he makes yogurt, it hurts me a bit.

Then I realize that it is just childhood I miss, you know, when I was this wild girl running and laughing her guts out hoping she would become someone really great. It is crazy to put such ideas into little girl's head that she should be someone great when she grows up no matter what. And what if this girl does not want to be someone great at all but just be a sweet wife and mother. Is it too old fashioned? I know people who think so.

You know what my uncle told me once? That I will be great in anything I do even if I just smile and make someone's day. He himself is crazy, funny and sometimes blue too, but he always knows how to cheer me up and make me feel good about myself. I think this is the point when you understand that someone really loves you - makes you feel good about yourself and inspires you to become even better.

Languages He understands

(This photo has nothing to do with the post, I just feel like Julie Delpy)

Last update for the year 2010.

Some celebrate New Year and I will celebrate Shabbat tonight. The day of the week when everything stops and all is dedicated to G-d, family and dear people. I don't know what would I be doing without Shabbat, and I cannot either think how I used to live without it. It's the day when I forget about mundane problems and stay alone with Hashem. That's when I can talk to Him openly and tell how I feel, what I want and where I want to be. It is also funny that I always speak to G-d in Georgian when I am sad, in Russian when I am mad, and in English when I feel lonely. He knows every language as you might have guessed.
Although it does not always work that way. Sometimes I do not speak to Him on Shabbat. Because I sleep and sleep all the time, especially if I am sad and blue.

It is not about talking, you know.
Or maybe it is.
It is.
Yes.
Sometimes you need to speak I can't fight it, can I?

Anyways.
I just have decided that I am fictional diarist and that is the genre I'd like to take for my writing. I mean I have already taken it for most of my stories are like diaries.
Wish me luck so my book shall be published soon.

Fitzwilliam, you silly moody bum!

Elizabeth Bennet By Colleen Coover

One man's ways may be as good as another's, but we all like our own best.

Jane Austen

Happy Birthday, dear Jane!!! You're 235 now and I am 25, what a nice age to sit and talk about it. We could've drunk some tea and laughed about silly men.
I've been told I am like Elizabeth Bennet :/ I kinda like it and not very much at the same time. She was not an easy one, was she? With her unusual attitude, wit and irony. I am not ironic, I try not to be at least, I just can't stop being honest. And Mr. Darcy is being quite harsh on me too. He never smiles and pretends he's not looking at me whenever I turn to him. Boy. Life is so complicated and people just love to make it even more so. Don't even dare to tell me, oh, it is supposed to be that way, what did you expect? I hate that. What did I expect? Fun, Sun and Love. Didn't you?

I think this Shabbat is going to be little boring for me because of Rebekka, the friend of mine, will not be able to be there :/ I am not excited at all. I hope tomorrow will feel better, but right now listening to 'the Goo Goo Dolls' and the world feels so far away from me.
I think I am having some kind of nervous breakdown today, ain't I? Sometimes I feel that life is not fair. Not fair at all. And I am going to do something about it. I cannot sit still and wait for fate you know. I need to get up and walk like Elizabeth Bennet used to do. I need to be there where justice and truth are!

Crazy lioness in Leipzig

This Shabbat I spent in Leipzig with the other Midrasha girls. It was assfreezing cold as I call it. Before the train came Liora and I were running up and down the stairs to keep warm. Plus we had woken up at 6 in order to get at the train station on time so you can imagine how much colder we felt. Anyway.
The story goes like this: It takes an hour to get to Leipzig. It was freezing cold (I know I've already said it but can't stop really) and the snow unbearable. We left our luggage at the youth centre where we were to stay for Shabbat and head to the Panoramic Museum. This museum is outstanding (my new favourite word), staff very smily and friendly, I even practiced my German with one of them. Oh, and what we saw was Amazonia - giant trees, millions of species of butterflies which live in the Amazon jungles, different plants and flowers, my lovely poisonous frogs, bugs and all you could wish. Amazonia became my place to go for honeymoon. No kidding. Who can be better to go there with but your husband anyway?

As for Shabbat - it was nice as usual. We had lots of laugh, nice food, singing and little melancholy. I always feel melancholy wherever I go. I mean, sometimes I just can't explain my feelings. Torah does explain it all, but I am not in the mood to write about it. This melancholy will last until I am with THE person who I can be silent with and not talk. Talking spoils it all I believe. Why should we speak and show off our intellect, our knowledge in this and that, wouldn't it be nicer to look at each other, smile and go to Amazonia?


Found this photo of Drew Barrymore which is from one of her best movies "Grey Gardens" and it just reminded myself getting back from Leipzig, looking out the train window and wondering, where am I going and who am I? Am I ever going to answer these questions? I really, truly long for Mashiach to come. This eternal wandering (you can read it as wOndering as well) is killing me.

Have a good week!!! Never mind what I write here, I'll be just fine in a minute. I am this crazy lioness who groans and roars, but in the end of the day turns into sweet and caring one sitting on the couch :)

Don't let anyone bring you down

We had this conversation on Shabbat about being foreigner and its advantages. One girl said that it's really cool because nobody labels you and no-one tells you what you should have achieved so far. Then we discussed the choice of our lives to be observant Jews and keeping all the commandments. I said that all of us have come to this point of life when everyone understood lifechange was necessary so what is the better place than our midrasha? This girl agreed and added that it is still very difficult to define what one wants and if one chooses the right thing for the reality is different from as we imagine it.
Ok. What did I answer? You know me. I did not hesitate and said that WE MAKE OUR REALITY, and I personally don't let the system get me down if you know what I mean. Life is what you make it, isn't it?

And today I found this book in the Midrasha library, "Let's face it" by Tzipporah Heller and Sara Yocheved Rigler. Even though I am not very fond of this kind of books, I liked lots of ideas in it. One of the issues was exactly 'my' subject of making one's own world and reality. Nobody is saying that you should separate yourself from the society or public life, but you should not let anything spoil your goals and belief. Imagine if Jews have ever surrendered, where could've led it us anyway? NOWHERE!!!

So don't let anyone say that you are old-fashioned, or too smart (been through this), don't let anyone bring you down just because you don't fit in a popular culture frame!!! Just believe in One G-d, and your abilities of changing yourselves and the world you are living in!
I believe. I always have, Baruch Hashem!!!
Of course I am not constantly happy; get sad and get lots of problems to solve, but in the end of the day I know WHO I stand with and WHAT I stand for.

Le Fille Sur Le Pont

Daniel Auteuil and Vanessa Paradis in "Le Fille Sur Le Pont" (Girl on the bridge)

Oh, it's Tuesday which means tomorrow is Wednesday, then Thursday and soon Friday. Friday counts as Shabbat. And Shabbat means home cooked food, interesting conversation with the host family and no connection to any electric stuff. What a righteous person I am, gosh. Well, you know my spirituality, if I always talk about it you'll go crazy so let me be funny and shallow tonight. I sound like blonde :D

Daryl Hannah

This week is being quite good actually. Don't feel sleepy anymore, but have been thinking about this crazy T-shirt Daryl Hannah wore back in 90's. It's absolutely crazy but I see old men and think, hell, do they also need love? Probably they do :/

Winona Ryder and Richard Gere in "Autumn in New York"

I admit that I like men with little grey hair like of that Richard Gere or most amazing French actor Daniel Auteuil who has performed millions of different roles in French movies and still is so unique with his "adrienbrodyish" nose and grey hair. I've learned that women have different attitudes (if you say so, Soph) between and during their period cycles. That is world known fact that women depend on the Moon more than any other human being. So I should go and check out where the moon is standing right now. For it really makes me wonder why have I started to think about dirty old men's love problems? Who cares. I know no old man, do I? At least no-one with grey hair like Richard Gere. Oh my! I wish I did.
Dear Doctor Freud, can I come in? ;)

Dreamy Days in Venice

My free weekend from the seminary was like a dream coming true. Actually my dream did come true as you know. I went to Venice. There is no place like Venice in the world. NOTHING AT ALL! I have been to many islands (mostly Greek ones), but Venice is miraculous. It is not just an island, it's the whole history, whole character full of love, sadness, joy and sentimentality.
I have never been fond of Italy, but Venice absolutely changed my view of it. Honestly, you won't even realise in which country you are, because Venice is pure touristic place and you get to meet very few "real" people.

We flew from Berlin to Bergamo with the cheapest airlines, then took a bus till Milan and then got on train to Venice.

Yes, train was really something. We took the slow train (single ticket costs 14-16 euro) from Milan to Venice and got 50 euro fine because we didn't know we had to validate the ticket in a machine :| and on Sunday when we were going back to Milan, we validated tickets at once, but no-one even stepped in the train to check the tickets. Isn't that ironic? 50 euro, man? :( Ok, three of us shared this fine, but still very sad, you probably remember I was telling you about my "tight financial" period right now. So one should never complain I guess or be more cautious and read the instruction on the ticket.

Anyway, what we cared mostly was to visit Ghetto of Venice and see how people used to live there. It was nice to hear that the Ghetto gate was taken down by Napoleon who brought so called Enlightenment and give Jews rights to live like any other citizens. Unlike Shakespeare, who wrote really nasty drama about Jewish "Merchant of Venice".

Ghetto Vecchio where all the Jewish shops and Sinagogues are

As for the hotel, we stayed at the "Leonardo", which is very near the Ghetto and the Chabad Centre where we were going to have Shabbat meals. Accommodation is very expensive in Venice as you can imagine, and honestly, we payed more than we had planned, but the hotel was run by such kind staff, they made discounts to us, nicely considering we were not well-off students.

Shabbat meals were really special - sitting by the Venice canals and singing Shabbat songs. I cannot even explain how it felt.
Would I be very banal, if I said that was like being a part of some play? Really. Whole weekend we stayed there I had this weird feeling, that someone would come up and tell me the show was over and we all had to go home, you know what I mean? This place is too beautiful to be true.

But I guess I have to recommend you to visit Venice after you get married - that's a place for newly married couple (not only newly married) definitely. Meaning, I left Gondola for the next time.

That's where we had Shabbat Seuda (on the right bank)

Milan - too posh for me

Anyways, the trip to Italy was worth it. Even "Fashion Edom" Milan was interesting, but TOO en mode. But it's unbelievable how happy I was when I got back in Berlin. Italy is too loud for me plus I could not stand that everyone smokes there.

Also there was this big event in Berlin today, I posted on my Russian blog. Great tzaddik Rav Aharon Leib Shteinman visited Lauder Yeshiva and we had honour to daven with him Mincha and listen to his sweet-grandpa voice.

UPDATE: linking up with The Climbing Tree.

Week full of fun and love

Last week has been really awesome. We had rabbi Osher Baddiel from England visiting and giving shiurim. He's this really funny and so-english-teacher type of man in his middle 70's I suppose. When you see him at first you think that he's come from 18th century, but after hearing him speak you know that you can talk to him about anything you wish. I liked him even though I could not really follow some of his jokes. He's going to be our guest tonight on the first Seuda of Shabbat and I'm sure we won't get bored ;)

Weather is as bad as it can be: cloudy and dull.

I have a wonderful new room-mate, she's got amazing orange colored hair and lovely freckles all over her face and hands. She's from Odessa, one of my favourite cities in the world. She's the kindest and well brought person I've ever met. I love her.

What else? Oh, every Thursday evening midrasha girls go to different families of the community to help them prepare for Shabbat. As usual I go to Rosh Yeshiva, rabbi Smith's house. Smiths are just lovely people, they have two little girls (5 and 3) and they just had a baby boy 12 days ago, I even attended his Brit Milah ceremony on last Monday which was really special.
Yesterday I helped rebetzin Smith to bathe the girls and then held newborn in my arms, gosh, it was just amazing. He smelled so sweet and looked around with big babyish eyes :) I had never actually held a baby of his age [age? 12 days]. It's a miracle when you see little human being, isn't it? IT IS, INDEED! It is especially miracle for his parents because they did not have children for a long time and now they have three wonderful kids, may Hashem bless them! I love them all so much.

This week is going to be over soon and new one will start. I am happy for having this opportunity be here in Berlin, live in midrasha with the girls, have such amazing teachers and people around. Thank G-d!

Have a wonderful and sunny Shabbat! I hope I will.

SHABBAT SHALOM!

Back in Berlin

I'm back in Berlin after four long months waiting for the visa. I had quite crazy flight through Kiev and it is most mixed airport I've ever seen. Different people are around, talking and laughing and in the end of the day you may go crazy. I admire people working and handling them all the time. I also admire other people like teachers and public workers, who work with lots of people. I definitely have to mention rebetzin Julia Rosenblat too, whose house is always full of people and I always think that she just does not have time or space to be alone, and that makes me appreciate her even more. I'm just learning to cope with people :lol: And midrasha is good for me actually, I meet people, talk with them, share rooms and I develop more social character to say so.

Weather is just great in Berlin - sunny and quite warm. I am glad because Autumn Berlin was terrible - gray and cold. Oh, and Shabbat is so soon - you have no idea how happy I am for it. I am going to have real MEAT for dinner :D For person who has hardly eaten any meat for four months, that is pure heaven.
HAVE A GREAT SABBATH! Have a good week end!