On being a stay at home mum and a Hausfrau

Being stay at home mum is very hard, and I am glad, I am not the only one who thinks so. My favourite modern author, Beth Ann Fennelly also talks about it in her book.
People usually get touched by the subjects that bother them, or they get annoyed and depressed. I was sort of like that when read her ideas about new mums, who are at home, then they stay in longer and become less and less independent financially.

This is quite a problem actually.
Not that I can complain or something, but I don't feel free like used to before. I don't work since my 20 months old son was born, I am home with him all day, waking up at dawn and putting him to sleep in the evening. It's been my job now. I love it and I feel fine, at least I don't have a boss to boss me around, except Ezra, who tries to boss, but I am still in charge here, he can't do that to me; so it is good, when I can do pretty much what I please (or what I can), but very often I feel very degraded, if you know what I mean. Sometimes I feel like all my brain has gone with the milk I've nursed Ezra (if literally, that would've been quite useful after all), and now I am only left with my tired hands that clean, wash, change diapers, bake bread, cook meals, and nobody really needs my intellect anymore.
I know it's not like that, my husband definitely respects my knowledge and all, but isn't society harsh on women anyway?

For example, I went to some German bureaucratic office to get some papers done and a lady asked me what was my profession. So I told I had studied journalism, but now was staying at home with my little child. Oh, she said, so you are a Hausfrau, that's what I wanted to know and she wrote down my "profession" straight on that paper.

Great.
I am a Hausfrau, I am a Hausfrau, Hausfrau, I was repeating to myself like crazy, then laughed a lot and finished it with crying.
I've never thought I would end up as a Hausfrau :D last Hausfrau of my Matriarchic family was my greatgrandmother, I think. Even my grandmother, who had five children, never stayed home and taught at school, because she believed her intellectual abilities shouldn't go to waste. My mum remembers how exhausted her mum would be after school, but she still would do household stuff, help her own children with homework and only at midnight had she time for herself, to read her favourite Russian poetry and prepare lessons for the next day.
So, dear Grandmama Sophia, I'm not sure if you would be proud of your Hausfrau granddaughter if you knew her now.

Back to the point I started this post - financial independence.
Even though I can spend reasonably, you know regular and normal families don't spend too much, we're just one of those families, that save and go for discounts, or shop at Aldi and Lidl.
Still, I feel bad if I spent too much, because I didn't earn that money and I feel like I should be more considering what to buy and what not to. Or if I want to buy something that is above Aldi and Lidl prices, I always think twice.
I've never been a big spender or a big fashion shopper, but I could buy things before more freely than I do now. It also must be having a baby, because now I tend to buy more things to him than to myself, and very often his clothes are more expensive, than mine, which is probably not very good, but then the quality question comes first, - children should wear good shoes for healthy feet development, they should wear 100% cotton clothes (while I can wear H&M's fake Bio Cotton) and so on...
This is very stressful for me and very often I can't explain my feelings to anyone, because they don't really understand or realise. Most people think women that stay at home do nothing and whatever they do, can't be compared to the real outside world job, but nobody realises how mentally exhausting it might be - when you are depended financially and don't have any real days off, because the job of mum is 24/7.
Plus I am absolutely terrible at making money, so dumb, I don't know why. So if anyone assures you all Jews are rich or can be ones, please send them over to me so I'll give them a good punch. Really! :P

I hope I'll be able to make that lady write down my real profession one day, so I'll be paid for that job and will feel happy and accomplished, as my Grandmother did.

G-dly union

This morning Ezra, his grandma and I went to the Leipzig train station to do some grocery shopping. When we passed that block, where they sell tickets, I saw a girl who lived in the midrasha too, but she came there right after I got married and left. Now she's just married too. She's really nice and sweet; her husband is also very intelligent and handsome guy.

It was so nice to see her - all smiley and happy, positive and full of hopes and dreams as all newly married girls are. I wanted to hug her and tell her, best life is about to come and wish her all the best that could be in the world.

[You know, sometimes I might be as cold as ice, but mostly I am such heartful sentimental person that can't help loving people - strangers or friends, no matter.]

But I didn't because I've seen that girl only twice in my life and we had literally said only two words to each other: "Gut Shabbes" -- as she was visiting the midrasha for Shabbat then. And I was a bride, all excited, scared, emotional, crazy, witty - saying funny things and hiding I was nervous about losing my freedom and becoming involved in this institution called marriage, so I couldn't pay enough attention to the newcomers, I am really sorry now.

And here, I saw her, lovely bride with sparkling eyes and glowing face with happiness.
I can't explain better, all the words are vain.

Anyone who knows how beautiful and meaningful traditional Jewish wedding is, will understand my emotions and excitement. I respect every religion and believe that all humans around the world are same, they all have heart and soul, they all want to be loved and give love, but when it comes to traditions, nothing can be compared to the Jewish life which is guided by Torah.
Everyone has God, but only Jews have Torah, which means we have double credit :) this is a half joke, because Torah is G-d and G-d is Torah, but what I mean is, that this is the only Book which gives life and is life Itself.
Naturally, Bible belongs to the world, but essential Torah with its beautiful commentaries is only mine (I mean it not literally for sure, rather philo-Sophie-cally).

It is said that receiving Torah from Hashem by Jews was like a wedding between Jewish nation and G-d, because this is most sacred and wholly union on the planet. For only husband and wife can be as close as it can ever be. They are one flesh and one soul, one creation - like G-d and Jewish people.
I know some will think I exaggerate as every sort of religious fanatic does, but all I want to say is that looking at that girl and her new husband made me realise this once more - there is nothing more beautiful than Jewish marriage where two souls are united for G-d and from G-d.

May You My Friends Live Long and Happy Life full of Joy and Torah Light!!! May Hashem bless you with many healthy children and granchildren! Amen!!!

Here are some photos from my own wedding. Yeah. It was not so long ago, it's been 2 years. So fresh and vivid still :)

This year's sufganyiot

Remember I told you about my brother in law's birthday, which was on Friday? Well, his mother (who is my mother in law and Ezra's grandma obviously) baked such an amazing cake for him and brought over, in addition with that she had also baked couple of other cakes and cookies that it made perfect sense to me not to make sufganyiot this year. Not for my husband though. All right. He's usually right and I am not because I am so lazy when it comes to kitchen and baking. I'd rather be fooling around and entertaining people in the kitchen than standing there in apron and breathing burning oil. I am terrible baker.

My husband assured me that I had to make sufganyiot because he could not imagine Chanuka without them and it should be our tradition for future when Ezra grows up and iy''H, we have other children. Of course I agreed. Wasn't I also excited and happy when my mother or aunts baked cakes and cooked specific Georgian food on New Year (which was big deal in my childhood)? So I shouldn't be so selfish and scrooge, just because we had so much leftover from Ezra's uncle's birthday, it did not mean, sufganyiot could be skipped.

So I made them.
My mother in law came over to babysit Ezra and I got down to business named kneading a dough for sufganyiot. I made it after this recipe, I've done it last year too and they come out really good. Naturally, I made my favourite changes in the recipe: replaced milk with water (had no soy milk anyway), dry yeast with fresh one and used no eggs, because in the mixing part you just won't find where to add those eggs that are mentioned in the ingredients part. I think no eggs needed indeed, sufganyiot are perfectly fine without them. Then I filled them with strawberry jam and whole family loved them.
Now I feel better.

Our sufganyiot - may not look that good, but taste a lot better. Chanuka 5773

I think I am getting used to being a wife and mother, you know. I've always had this funny character that protested against everything and never really loved traditions or anything. So now when I am married to the orthodox man for whom family values come first, I think I might be becoming his total part in that, with help of Hashem.
I don't promise I am going to love kitchen and never leave it, but I start to enjoy it when I see my dear people enjoy what I cook and bake.

Aren't our dear people's feelings most important after all?

Chanuka Sameach! More to come, still loads of candles to light and fill our souls with wonders and wonders...

Oranges and tangerines

If you asked me about five years ago I would tell you that there are nothing more lousy and boring than the weddings. But if you ask me now after three months of myself married under the very traditional chuppah I will tell you that there is nothing more beautiful and moving than the Jewish wedding.

My former orange room-mate (the room and the mate both orange, note that) Liora got married yesterday to a nice guy from the Berlin Yeshiva. I believe it was one of the most emotional weddings I have ever attended.

First, when I came to see Liora who was getting her make up done at the midrasha and saw her we both got so emotional, I almost ruined her make up. Then at the kabalat panim she looked so beautiful and pure you could not help but admire her. Second, the bedecken was something unusual - her old sweet grandmother was crying so hard you should've had an iron heart not to feel her - imagine, old lady who had gone through all the difficulties of Jewish life in Ukraine now seeing her lovely granddaughter getting traditionally married.

I have seen quite enough brides before but nobody looked so pure really. And in this world we miss this purity and innocence a lot.

...

After we got back in Leipzig, had supper, got some rest and thought that day over, I started to cry like a baby. I could not help it. I still cannot explain my outburst. Or maybe I can.
Liora and I had been room-mates for a year, and she's been most quiet and humble person I've ever seen. Sometimes there were some misunderstandings between us but we would never leave it for a night and always explained right away; there were difficult times for both of us when we would go for a walk around the Prenzlauer Berg, talk about our problems and support each other. Soon we both started to date our future husbands and we had loads to share and advise.

I think when you live in a place like the Berlin midrasha and not only go to the classes together, but truly share rooms, cheer up each other every morning by smiling and wishing a good day, you should be some kind of an ice queen not to get emotional when a friend gets married and looks as lovely as Liora did.

You can tell I've always been emotional and could never hide my feelings. Once a friend told me, Sophie, you are so easily read - if you smile you really mean it and if you don't smile that is scary. I was smiling all day long yesterday and stopped by the evening, and I also meant it.
I guess I realized we are growing up, times change, we all move on (and this is wonderful, thank G-d), still it is always sad because we all go apart, make out our lives, get older and will never be so young as we once used to be.

Mazal tov, Liora and to all, who enjoyed and shared this simcha with its heart and mind!!!

Baltics

Мы эмигранты
И грустны и странны
Наша дорога бесконечна
Найти и снова
потерять
Наша дорога бесконечна

My teenage friend Rebekka just shared Alina Orlova's videos. She is so cute. I mean Rebekka, and Alina too. They are both from Lithuania :) have curly hair, beautiful eyes and free spirit. I don't know there is something about Baltic people. They have this unexplainable melancholy mixed with cold beauty that makes you fall for them. And actually they both, Rebekka and Alina, have this funny accent in Russian. I never thought I would say this because my accent is not less funny, especially the way I pronounce some specific letters.

It's also funny I have never mentioned before on my blogs that my grandmother from father's side was Estonian. I have never met her for she died while giving birth to my father. Yep. My father has been in trouble since he was born. Trouble man. It must be terrible if you realize that your mother died having you, no?
Although I have always imagined her, the grandmother I've never met, as tall, skinny woman with big green eyes, blonde or reddish hair, wearing vintage dress and walking on the sun... her face glowing and eyes dreaming about seeing me - her granddaughter she never really saw. It's funny, I suppose I've been imagining her as the young and lovely woman, why would she dream about me anyway? I think every girl has thought about her grandchildren even once in a lifetime. We all would like to imagine having grandchildren one day who will look like us a little, who will remember us, who will dream of us and say sweet things about us. I cannot say if I look like my grandmother, even though I used to have strawberry blonde hair as a child.

Life is just as that song of Alina's - "emigrants". So realistic. Sometimes I feel like I am this eternal wanderer - dwelling here and there, looking for a place and space to find serenity.

Canção do Mar

While listening to Sara Tavares and Dulce Pontes, I think to myself - what if my grandmother would have been Brazilian. I'd had a dark skin, green eyes and much curlier hair than I have now. And I would go to the Ocean everyday. I would have been most crazy Brazilian girl ever.
Then I would buy a ranch and have horses, cows, everything on my own. And my grandmother would call me: Luara, or maybe Selena... or Dulce :))

I would have voice like Dulce Pontes and ocean would embrace me with love... Brazilian grandma, why don't you call & say: 'My baby girl, come on over and take care of me'. I would not think twice, take my black suitcase, green rucksack and dash over the ocean, I really would. You just call.