Forgetting your name

I heard someone I truly respect saying that we, modern people, especially from, so called, first world, tend to be very self-centered and pay too much attention to social services and etc. He also said that we become very easily frustrated when somebody forgets our name, or spells it incorrectly. I listened to him and then said I didn't agree, because it is natural for a person to be conscious about its name and want others to remember it correctly. If somebody forgets your name or doesn't bother itself to spell it properly, it means that person is inattentive, shallow and above all, doesn't care about you enough to bother oneself and memorise the name, I said.

The other day Ezra and I went grocery shopping and ran into a very lovely girl. She's not exactly friend of mine or anything, but she's one of the few people I hug. I mean, Germany is not very hugging country, even people who emigrated here have become (or essentially were) icy cold and which hugging you ask for, when they even forget to greet you. You know, it is nice to hug friends and be hugged too. This girl has always been different - very polite and kind. We know her family and been invited for dinner once too, and I felt quite close to them -- lovely people.
Anyhow, we saw her at the supermarket and went to greet her. We talked about this and that, then her phone called, it was another mutual friend of ours, who happened to be there too and wanted to join us. Sure, this girl said, we'll wait for you. Apparently, the person on the other line asked, who were "we", because my friend hesitated and blushed, couldn't answer immediately and turned to me, asking what was my name. She then apologised thousand times, she said it was because we hardly see each other and she didn't know how could she forget my name.

I remember back in school I had a really nice teacher, but she called me Sofia all the time. It used to upset me really, I tried to explain her politely it was Sophie, but she never seemed to hear. So I started to dislike her even though she was always nice to me and I even liked talking to her about different subjects.

 

Now suddenly I was happy. I know, this is crazy, but it was like illumination for me, seriously -- because I experienced exactly same what my friend was talking about the other day. I realised I didn't mind much someone forgetting my name, not because I am so humble that didn't think of myself important (no I am selfish enough, trust me), but I thought I shouldn't judge people in any case. You never know reasons - she might have been tired, or sick or anything, or we really don't see each other that often so she could have my name in her head all the time.

Well, mostly I felt happy because I sort of fought over my conscious self, didn't get upset and assured her it was all right while sometimes we even forget our own names, let alone others'. Don't we? ;)

Mit einem Kind... Mami's new world

It's been so long ago since I've blogged, almost a month.

We had lovely Pesach, Ezra had his first birthday and I've had some inner fights with myself and the world. The fight is still going on and I very much doubt it will ever cease.

Now I'd like to tell you about the card I got from my very dear friend Michal for the rosh chodesh of Adar. Michal is a young girl who used to live in Leipzig but now studies at university in a different town. So she visits her family in Leipzig on holidays. I am so glad whenever she comes to Leipzig, always lets me know and offers me help for Shabbat.
We met in Berlin in 2009 first, in the midrasha, and she impressed me with her modesty and colourful tights right away :) she was one of very few people I got along with and was not bored.

She's intelligent, sweet and, very important, - she can listen and never interrupt you. I find this character trait admirable, because most people can't hold their tongues and if they do, they never listen to you, but can't wait you to finish your sentence so they start telling their story. I understand we all care about ourselves and consider things we say more serious than others', but we should try not to. I really do try to be more attentive, to hear what people say and don't push my problems on them. Isn't it enough I talk/write so much and make people read? :)

Last August when Ezra was just four months old and it was lovely weather even in Germany, we went for a walk in the Rosenthaler Park and met Michal there. We talked, walked and had a really nice time, plus Ezra fell asleep and we had loads of time to stroll around the park and have a lovely conversation. That's when I liked her even more.
After that I also decided to delete my Facebook account for good. I realised I saw pictures of others' children more than I spent time with my little baby, who laid on his rug and "talked" to the old brown puppy while his mummy scrolled the Facebook up and down. I realised Facebook was stealing my life and my true self... that's a different story, but the point is Michal sort of helped me to figure this out better.
That was also the day when I told Michal that after having a baby my world had totally changed and it seemed like some new unknown world had opened up for me.
And guess what? Just before Purim Michal gave me this card saying exactly the same I said to her on that very Summer day at the Rosenthaler Park in Leipzig.

 

It means so much to me if I could only explain. I try to talk as little as possible and I usually don't show my feelings to others, but then I felt that I could tell to Michal how different my world had become after having Ezra. 

And she got it. She remembered it.

She found this card somehow and made my Adar definitely. Not only that month but more, as I will keep this card as longer as it's possible. It's also cute that this woman on the card looks kind of like me, wears colourful dress and loves cloth bags just as I do. 

Now, tell me, doesn't everything in this world has its time and space? Didn't G-d give inspiration to some nice person to paint me, a post soviet traumatized girl in her late twenties? 

I love imagining everything is connected in this world and all of us, no matter where we come from, what religion do we practice or how much we weigh, have same soul and emotions - we're never alone. While I suffered from Postpartum stuff and terrible babyblues, cried my heart out for almost six months after giving birth, adjusting with my new self and all, there was also someone somewhere feeling just like me wearing orange dress and her baby on her chest, carried the cloth bags and thought: "Mit einem Kind entdeckt man die Welt aufs Neue -- With the baby, one discovers the world anew".

Thank you, Michal!!!

Letter club

Today I imagined that I was some old times English lady writing a letter to her friend in another town. I found the pen that I have not used for a long time, got papers from my old note-book, took an envelope from my husband's drawer and got down to writing.
Whenever you do something you need to feel comfortable. Even writing a letter should be cozy and make you feel good; so I sat in my kitchen which has a nice view to the green backyard wearing a green Zara cardigan and green ear-rings I have bought two years ago in Berlin.
And the pen started to slip on the paper like it did not belong to me at all.
That is what usually happens to me - when I start to write ideas, thoughts come so randomly all I have to do is to follow the pen and make it write slower for nobody would have been able to read what I had written.

People don't write letters to friends nowadays. They write e-mails I know. I e-mail everyone all the time too but you can never compare an e-mail to a real letter written by not computer or some typewriting machine but a living human hand.
My husband has beautiful hand writing in fact. Mine is awful. I write fast and never mind the size of the letters. I make notes to him when I leave, or when I want to make his day... then he comes to me asking what have I actually written.
Nonetheless I write and write because that's what I feel quite good at.

I had some weird professor in my freshman year at University who taught Linguistics and she used to repeat the following: "Verba volant, scripta manent" meaning 'Words fly while letters remain'. Even though I used to think she was scary and giving students hard time now I absolutely agree (should I feel little nervous what if I am getting weird too?).
So if the letters remain imagine how eternal our writings could be? You may write some funny story or a witty line which will make someone's day in a ten year's time or next century. Why talk about someone in a century but yourself, you may find your old diary that you kept when you were a teenager, find some lines you had scribbled there and here you go - happy, inspired and feeling loved.

That's my letter club all about, I decided this morning in my very kitchen writing a letter to a friend. I will write letters and mail them around to people I think of. Some people design clothes, some run the companies, some direct movies, some break hearts, some never smile and look gloomy, and I will be the head of my own letter club in my kitchen distributing moment of "scripta" happiness.
Don't let the word "moment" puzzle you, nothing lasts forever anyway and one precious moment is more important than the simple mundane decade.

Yours truly,

Sophie

Oranges and tangerines

If you asked me about five years ago I would tell you that there are nothing more lousy and boring than the weddings. But if you ask me now after three months of myself married under the very traditional chuppah I will tell you that there is nothing more beautiful and moving than the Jewish wedding.

My former orange room-mate (the room and the mate both orange, note that) Liora got married yesterday to a nice guy from the Berlin Yeshiva. I believe it was one of the most emotional weddings I have ever attended.

First, when I came to see Liora who was getting her make up done at the midrasha and saw her we both got so emotional, I almost ruined her make up. Then at the kabalat panim she looked so beautiful and pure you could not help but admire her. Second, the bedecken was something unusual - her old sweet grandmother was crying so hard you should've had an iron heart not to feel her - imagine, old lady who had gone through all the difficulties of Jewish life in Ukraine now seeing her lovely granddaughter getting traditionally married.

I have seen quite enough brides before but nobody looked so pure really. And in this world we miss this purity and innocence a lot.

...

After we got back in Leipzig, had supper, got some rest and thought that day over, I started to cry like a baby. I could not help it. I still cannot explain my outburst. Or maybe I can.
Liora and I had been room-mates for a year, and she's been most quiet and humble person I've ever seen. Sometimes there were some misunderstandings between us but we would never leave it for a night and always explained right away; there were difficult times for both of us when we would go for a walk around the Prenzlauer Berg, talk about our problems and support each other. Soon we both started to date our future husbands and we had loads to share and advise.

I think when you live in a place like the Berlin midrasha and not only go to the classes together, but truly share rooms, cheer up each other every morning by smiling and wishing a good day, you should be some kind of an ice queen not to get emotional when a friend gets married and looks as lovely as Liora did.

You can tell I've always been emotional and could never hide my feelings. Once a friend told me, Sophie, you are so easily read - if you smile you really mean it and if you don't smile that is scary. I was smiling all day long yesterday and stopped by the evening, and I also meant it.
I guess I realized we are growing up, times change, we all move on (and this is wonderful, thank G-d), still it is always sad because we all go apart, make out our lives, get older and will never be so young as we once used to be.

Mazal tov, Liora and to all, who enjoyed and shared this simcha with its heart and mind!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUN!

My sweetest nutty has a birthday today. Drew Barrymore is turning 36. Amazing. She's exactly 10 years older than me. I grew up watching her movies and enjoying her smile. I think no other artist has influenced me so much as Drew. Because she has got it all: wit and smile that would rock your boat.

She had been there and seen it all. She has gone through troubles one can never imagine, but she never lost herself - she just laughed out her guts and kicked ass, didn't she? She has been most successful actress, producer and director of the new Hollywood generation. Drew is someone all the girls could strive for - funny, sunny and able to give love to the world.

Imagine me, some funny girl from tiny Georgia admiring Drew and being inspired by her. If she knew, she would be very proud and happy about it I am sure :)
Drew is like an old sister and a friend you could always turn to and tell things you would never tell to anyone else. Drew is like I am for Lila :) So funny because I have no closest friend than my cousin Lila and so has she. Drew is the sunny girl whose poster Lila and I still have in our room in the country house.

Happy Birthday, Drew! May you be healthy and blessed! Wishing you to have all you need! Keep smiling and shining through our eyes, will you?

How Beautiful We Are

There is something about Romy, isn't there?

She might had not been the most beautiful woman or a sex symbol but she was this very cattish one: sweet, cute, with playful eyes and lovely neck. Neck is something that has to be beautiful and soft in woman. Neck is the best part of a body after ears of course.
Well, you know I always like actresses who kind of remind myself. So is Romy. I was very young when a friend of my mother said to me there was something of that Romy Schneider in me. I'll never forget that. Those words changed many things for me. Little girls always need some encouragement to have confidence in the way they look and since then I've always had enough confidence and satisfaction about mine.

I believe it is important that every mother tells her daughter how beautiful and intellectually capable she is. Life is going to be tough enough and lack of self confidence may become a hard issue for a person. Not only the girls, I know my teenage nephew who also needs to be told how smart and handsome he is; my aunt has been grateful for I can easily communicate with her teenage grandchildren just being there and listening without judging. No matter whether you are somebody's mother or not - just say positive things to people, encourage them, tell them how beautiful and great they are because nothing makes the world stronger and nicer than the kind words coming out from one's mouth.
What goes around comes around, remember? Multiply kindness and have fun! Life is what we make of it.

Boy! Sometimes I feel so full of love and energy I think I may explode and destroy the world. I would be the first world destroyer by loving, so good, I should be thinking about it more... Водопад - just like my sweet teenage friend is, no?

Anyways, we are all beautiful and nice as long as we want to be so, don't we?

Have a great Shabbes!!! Enjoy week end!

Live, laugh and be good, everybody!!!

Thanks to Romy Schneider (my mother and her friend as well) for inspiring and giving me confidence to be what I am.

Unappeased yearning to return

The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.

Milan Kundera ("Ignorance")

Yes, I've been there. I've been to Prague - the city of melancholy, writers, lost artists, beautiful people, golden beer and me. I was there and did not even see Milan Kundera. I was there and could not even tell anyone how much this means to me, how happy I was being there and breathing the same cold air with my dear book characters. I grew up reading about these people, I felt what Kundera felt, I was dreaming about them back home in Tbilisi sitting on my orange couch, reading, reading and then writing endlessly... This trip was most nostalgic and sad for me. Prague reminded me of Tbilisi a little and made me realize that I am lonely. Lonely in sense of belonging to no place, finding no serenity anywhere and always fading.

This journey showed me who I really am, and it scared me.
In a good way though. I am a human. Oh, so human.

The friend of mine tried to realize why was I sad and felt so odd. I could not tell. Sometimes I become numb. I only feel what I feel and cannot explain.

I just need to know there are eyes caring about me.
Eyes. Hands. Mind. Heart. Soul and everything. Everything. I need to have it all.
It is not only about Prague - it is about me and my state of mind.

Take a breath

Voice is not back yet, but attitude is better. I woke up this morning hoping that would be able to speak but still could not. I felt like I could talk really, throat was not sore anymore, but my voice still harsh.

Trying to write a letter (a real letter) to a friend who cheered me up yesterday, read stories to me and I felt like I was little sick child who is so lonely and away home; only thing that makes her happy is a "radio" with dear voice. I wanted to say how happy I was and how safe I felt listening to it. It is unbelievable when you don't need to speak but listen and let it be.
So I decided to write a letter and have even started when one girl came into my room and wanted to talk, asked loads of questions of course. Why do people always try to get something out of you even if you can't talk? They just love to know all about others' lives, don't they?
And why am I so indifferent about others' lives? Does it make me too self-centered? Maybe it does. I don't want to know what others do, how they live - it is all up to them. I love people the way they are and I don't want to dig in their minds. I want to live my own life without manuals if you know what I mean. I actually do. Who could have thought that I would have lost my voice and someone would read stories to me? What kind of manual could have predicted that anyway?..

I suddenly miss Lila - my cousin and best friend. I miss how we used to sit in my kitchen - she would drink coffee and I - tea. We would talk about kinky things, about boys, love, music, movies. We would laugh and be happy. I would love to sit with her in any kitchen now and talk till midnight.
It's like my friend often says that nothing is like just talking about simple things.

Drop the philosophy, live life and laugh.

I love you, Lila.
And thinking of you, dear friend of mine.

Baltics

Мы эмигранты
И грустны и странны
Наша дорога бесконечна
Найти и снова
потерять
Наша дорога бесконечна

My teenage friend Rebekka just shared Alina Orlova's videos. She is so cute. I mean Rebekka, and Alina too. They are both from Lithuania :) have curly hair, beautiful eyes and free spirit. I don't know there is something about Baltic people. They have this unexplainable melancholy mixed with cold beauty that makes you fall for them. And actually they both, Rebekka and Alina, have this funny accent in Russian. I never thought I would say this because my accent is not less funny, especially the way I pronounce some specific letters.

It's also funny I have never mentioned before on my blogs that my grandmother from father's side was Estonian. I have never met her for she died while giving birth to my father. Yep. My father has been in trouble since he was born. Trouble man. It must be terrible if you realize that your mother died having you, no?
Although I have always imagined her, the grandmother I've never met, as tall, skinny woman with big green eyes, blonde or reddish hair, wearing vintage dress and walking on the sun... her face glowing and eyes dreaming about seeing me - her granddaughter she never really saw. It's funny, I suppose I've been imagining her as the young and lovely woman, why would she dream about me anyway? I think every girl has thought about her grandchildren even once in a lifetime. We all would like to imagine having grandchildren one day who will look like us a little, who will remember us, who will dream of us and say sweet things about us. I cannot say if I look like my grandmother, even though I used to have strawberry blonde hair as a child.

Life is just as that song of Alina's - "emigrants". So realistic. Sometimes I feel like I am this eternal wanderer - dwelling here and there, looking for a place and space to find serenity.

Blood and bones

I got this book "Beaufort" from my Israeli friend who has served in the army for two years. She is from Georgia like myself, has made aliyah with her family when she was 13. She is true Israeli by now who knows her land by heart and is proud that had served for her country.
Although "Beaufort" is not about the suntanned girls serving in the IDF. This book is about the war without specific enemy: terrorism. What is this terrorism anyway and what are they shedding their blood for?
Well, I am not going to spoil and tell you the plot of the book. There is also a movie based on this novel.
I just want to share my emotions.

I have always thought that soldiers are just some wasted flesh used by government to protect its own arse. I still think so, but when I remember those soldiers truly madly believing in what they do and how they adore their land, then I understand it is not about the government crap, it is about your blood and bones - which is the land of Israel. I am not that Zionist madgirl, but when it comes to those brave men I cannot stop admiring them. Especially the main character of this book is so tough, emotional and gentle when it comes to his sister or girlfriend. Sure, I know that is just fiction, but very beautiful fiction indeed.
Or maybe I am Zionist [at least I like guys wearing crochet-kippah and jeans :)) ]. Oh my goodness. Women are so contradictious, aren't we?

I wish I could share this book with someone and now I am thinking who can borrow it from me. Rebekka - definitely, but this book is not quite kosher for 15 years old girl if you know what I mean, there are lots of lovemaking stuff in it, plus dirty language all the time. I am sure she would get it but I don't want to put some crazy ideas into her head.

Every book has its smell, have you noticed? This book smells like the sand mixed with love of your land, and people who breathe for it. I keep smelling it.

To teenagers and old people

I love waking up when everyone else is asleep. Then I can come downstairs, drink my milk coffee and look out the window.
So quiet and dark.
5:56 am.

My teenage friend Rebekka saw the movie "Into The Wild" and was full of emotions, impressions yesterday. She asked me if it's true that "Happiness is only real when shared"? I suddenly realized that yes, that's what it is actually.
I've been asked what is the stable character trait I've got, I hesitated a little and answered, that it is optimism that I never lose.
Not only optimism.
Empathy.
And now Rebekka actually made me think that I am only happy if my friends, my fellow Jews are happy. Not only Jews really. How can I be happy if my old Kurdish neighbour in Georgia is miserable? Or how can I rejoice if I knew my Georgian childhood friend was unhappy?

Man is not an island, is it?

I am so influenced by the media even though I try to resist.
Yesterday I was thinking how I hate fur and diamonds. So many animals and children are killed because of those luxurious things. Once I told this to my eldest cousin and she looked at me worried: "Sophie, you cannot feed the whole world. Don't think so much."
I can't. Compassion is in my blood.
Remember, I have often said that I wish I was shallower and little stupid girl for my life would have been much easier? I never really meant it. Because it would have never been real me if I were happy-go-lucky with the world vanity.

Thank you, Rebekka Averbach, for that. Now when my mum asks me why do teenagers and old people love me so much, I know what to answer: Ma, it's because I share their happiness as well as their misery.

Fitzwilliam, you silly moody bum!

Elizabeth Bennet By Colleen Coover

One man's ways may be as good as another's, but we all like our own best.

Jane Austen

Happy Birthday, dear Jane!!! You're 235 now and I am 25, what a nice age to sit and talk about it. We could've drunk some tea and laughed about silly men.
I've been told I am like Elizabeth Bennet :/ I kinda like it and not very much at the same time. She was not an easy one, was she? With her unusual attitude, wit and irony. I am not ironic, I try not to be at least, I just can't stop being honest. And Mr. Darcy is being quite harsh on me too. He never smiles and pretends he's not looking at me whenever I turn to him. Boy. Life is so complicated and people just love to make it even more so. Don't even dare to tell me, oh, it is supposed to be that way, what did you expect? I hate that. What did I expect? Fun, Sun and Love. Didn't you?

I think this Shabbat is going to be little boring for me because of Rebekka, the friend of mine, will not be able to be there :/ I am not excited at all. I hope tomorrow will feel better, but right now listening to 'the Goo Goo Dolls' and the world feels so far away from me.
I think I am having some kind of nervous breakdown today, ain't I? Sometimes I feel that life is not fair. Not fair at all. And I am going to do something about it. I cannot sit still and wait for fate you know. I need to get up and walk like Elizabeth Bennet used to do. I need to be there where justice and truth are!

World of beauty

World is going crazy with football. Even I hesitated for a second before huge TV in the street when Slovakia won over Italy. I hate mass sports, but when I look at those people sitting outside in cafes I like it - they seem happy.

Wimbledon is also on, but Football World Cup absolutely upstaged it and there are only couple of us remembering tennis.

It's been a long and interesting week - learning Chumash with Rashi's commentaries every morning with Leah, then other lessons, dinners, another lessons, work, sleep, internet.

Yesterday I met my friend Naomi, we walked a bit, then sat in a park and had a nice conversation. It's unbelievable how people need to talk, laugh and just be together sometimes. Everytime I have nice time with my friends, I thank G-d for that because that's exactly what one needs in our times when people are rushing to and fro forgetting about world's beauty, about life outside internet and etc. I guess only now I understand why G-d created man by His image - even though we are sure of His existence, we still need and long to talk to somebody, to listen to other person and just feel that we're not alone. It's wonderful, isn't it?

Yesterday night I went to the Smiths' as usual and helped rebetzin. When I held her baby boy and looked into his eyes, I felt so good and my first thought was: those people who believe in evolution and Darwin's theory must be stupid - how can anyone believe in nonsense like that? Only G-d could create a man, and a woman, and a baby by His image because they are beautiful.

Have a wonderful week end!

Shabbat Shalom!

My Best Friend's wedding

I'm blogging for the third time today about my friend Naomi who got married yesterday. It was such a big day and we were all excited. Jewish chuppah is something miraculous and breathtaking really. Bride was smiling all the time and looked just gorgeous.

She is my first close friend who got married, so I was bit overwhelmed. Well, not a bit, VERY much indeed. Naomi is a person who has done so much for the MaBaT girls, she has always been a spirit of our meetings and wherever we would go she was always there for us. So I remembered all she has done for me and I went crying. She's been through many difficulties and managed to remain bright and lovely person. I am sure she and her nice husband will make true Jewish family filled with Torah light and love.

MAZAL TOV again and again!!!

Shabbat Present

I made this video yesterday. Once my friend Dina sent this song to me and I wanted to share it with others so much that uploaded on youtube.

So, this video is dedicated to my dearest friend Dina and all the people who enjoy keeping Shabbat and other mitzvot. You are all special.

SHABBAT SHALOM!

The Day

Shabbat's coming in half an hour.
I have to prepare candles, rip the paper, set the table...
And I'm still here posting this for you out there :)
I'm having a swell day :) Last week have been good and bad as well. It started with good - Naomi's engagement; and in the middle of the week I had terrible nervous breakdown because of my visa. Then I had a conversation with Dina, who helped me to cheer up and see the cup half full. So I accept Hashem's will whatever it might be.
Plus, I'm having PMS and it has direct connection to my mood.
I am happy! I needed a whole damn week to realize this, and dearest friend who showed me what really matters.

Shabbat Shalom & happy week end to you all!

נס גדול היה שם

נס גדול היה שם

I don't know what's a miracle for you.

It is the sunshine in the morning, it is the girls of midrasha :)
I am the miracle :)
I don't like typical miracles, because for me life is miracle itself.

You know what I learned today from this amazing girl Ella?
One should accept any result it gets because it is from Hashem, whether it's good or bad.
Only then we'll be able to be happy, really happy.
What makes us miserable is the feeling of weakness, solitude - when we fail and think that G-d has forsaken us... that's when melancholy comes and win over us... at least it comes to me quite often.
I'm starting to work on it right away!!!
My new friend Ella is the miracle for me, and I thank G-d for the people I get a chance to meet and become better person myself.

P.S. I did actually :) I spoke to rav Roberg. So my yetzer ara is happy as ever ;)

CHANUKA SAMEACH EVERYONE!!!

BE HAPPY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE GOT! I AM SURE YOU HAVE GOT ALL YOU NEED!

Chillin'

This verb chillin' actually reminds me of my dearest friend, who lives in Israel and is in the army now. She'll finish her army in April and I hope so much to meet her then.

Chili loves the Red Hot Chili Peppers, we used to have many common dreams.
I still hope we'll make them come true, but dreams are to remain dreams, eh?

Can't stop though... life is beautiful around the world, you know :)