Encouraging women or my second birth story

I haven't posted literally for ages here, but I had my reasons definitely.

Now I think it's time to share my second pregnancy and little birth story with my readers, if there are left any at all :-D

We sort of kept this (second) pregnancy a secret, only our immediate family and couple of close friends knew about it.

First 20 weeks were as easy as they could be (not counting wanting to sleep all the time and hating sweets, which was great in a way) while the next ones were full of stress, emotions, hormonal swings and prayers.

At 20 weeks check up I was diagnosed to have Borderline Placental Insufficiency, which meant my placenta couldn't provide the fetus with 100% oxygen and there was something wrong with the blood circulation. So this caused the baby to be small, two weeks behind than usual babies of that gestational age.
We were shocked and sad. Why G-d, why? I kept asking, why can't my body nourish the baby as it should? Isn't it natural to be so?
There came weeks of self blame, desperations and loads of tears.
And of course Googling and searching for information about this Placental Insufficiency, which was even more stressful and that's when I decided if everything went well, I should and would write about it to encourage women, and parents in general; because all I found was scary, which made me pray all days and nights to make it till 37th week and have full-term healthy baby, no matter its size.
Because it's G-d who really runs this world and everything in it, not science or anything. Sure, there are great modern technologies, but they can't do much.

Then my kind doctor advised to read as little as possible all that internet stuff, be positive and think about good things. She thought it wasn't as bad as it seemed, she was concerned just because I might had had the same issue with Ezra, who was born on 37th week weighing 2,400 tiny kilos.
At the clinic where I usually was checked, one nice midwife assured me that nature could do anything and she had heard cases where the placenta suddenly started to work better, sometimes worse and mostly it remained stable, that was what I hoped for at least.
We can't control everything as modern society believes, she said, that German atheist woman, who actually understood and believed in "nature" more than she thought.

My next placental check up was at 30 weeks and I was already grateful to G-d, I had made till that.
But there was even better news.
Miraculously - insufficiency had gone somehow and placenta was provided with enough oxygen and all. The fetus had gained enough weight, even though still little smaller, but doctor told me it could absolutely make up next last weeks of pregnancy when baby grows faster.

Now I had that terrible fear of 37th week when I had my firstborn Ezra before his time swimming in green waters, because the insufficient placenta had caused him stress and his first bowel movements; if he stayed there longer, he could had been poisoned, but baruch Hashem, Who made our zealous Ezra to come out quicker - healthy and lovely.
I just decided to cling on G-d and trust in His goodness completely, because we can't do much, can we?

37th week came and went, no baby yet. I was so happy it had time to gain weight. 38th week also went fine; and at 39th week after Shabbat I started to feel weird pains in my stomach, more like gas. I could see first contractions had started, but wasn't too sure, because I had never experienced them before, such crazy delivery I had with the first baby - no contractions right before Ezra came out.

I tried to keep calm, put Ezra to sleep, wash dishes that were left after Shabbat and then watched "Pus in Boots" (stupid movie) with my husband. After that we went to sleep, but I couldn't get comfortable. I would wake up every hour with annoying pain. At about 4am I got up and found some blood, so that was time to wake up my husband and drive to the hospital, meanwhile leaving Ezra with his grandmum.

Such nice "coincidence" - this painting hanging at the hospital lobby

We were at the Uniklinikum of Leipzig in an hour and my passive labour had started too.
It was very long labour and I never thought it would be so hard with the second baby since everyone says otherwise: it took lots of walking up and down the stairs of hospital, pain, exhaustion...
Plus, the waters had to be broken by the midwife, which actually helped contractions to become oftener and stronger. After couple of contractions I pushed like crazy, seriously. I've always been zealous (my favourite English word) in my life, but when it comes to childbirth, I'm sort of in ecstasy and have babies as fast as possible. Nobody expected I would do so fast, you could tell by their face expressions and trust me, Germans don't show that too often.
It was definitely a fight. I felt like warrior, really.
I screamed for Hashem to help me and He did, baby was out - safe and sound (3,400 kilos).
New little life.
Beautiful baby boy of ours - little Aaron.
Baruch Hashem!
I was happy and proud.

What I wanted to tell with this post is that you should never lose hope, trust to G-d and positivity. Nothing is ever lost as my dear Rebetzin says and I believe her. No matter what statistics, ultrasounds and sometimes even doctors say, you have your right to listen to your motherly instincts - everything will be fine!
And pregnant women need to hear that often - everything will be fine, you are fine and wonderful, keep being great and growing little wonders inside you!

May G-d bless everyone longing children and make them as happy as I felt when holding my new baby tight on my chest.
AMEN!!!

University lover

When people visit countries or cities, they usually go to see (and definitely take pictures of) museums, theatres, churches and other, so called, sight-seeings. I'm not one of them. I have this thing for Universities. There's some magic aura in Academic places, isn't it? Air is so full of science, education, freedom, thinking...

G-d, do I love Universities! You have no idea. When I visit a new country, first thing I want to see is a State University of that place. Looking at the buildings and watching students are most amusing and amazing entertainment for me. I love watching enthusiastic and motivated youth. Anyone who's ever gone to University, knows how engaged and excited one can be there. Or maybe I was because I studied Journalism (crazy, how could I do that!) and believed in things that don't quite exist in this corrupt world. Plus they don't really teach you how to write there, just waste of time, all the good writers are NOT even journalists, forget Marquez and Hemingway... But that's not the subject now.

So I like University of Athens a lot (first European country I have visited long time ago), I guess, because it's old and loud :)
Second in my list is the Moscow State University, which is huge and pompous as Russia itself.
Then come Universities of Milan, Berlin and Prague. Sadly my list is not very big because I'll be honest, I haven't really seen all the Universities of the countries I have visited.
[I intentionally do not mention the great ones like Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne and etc, too pop for me ;) ]

Last but NOT least is the University of Leipzig. The pride of East Germany, let me say like this.
Since Leipzig is my (rather Ezra's, he is an authentic Leipziger) hometown right now, naturally its University is the first place to see and be for me.
My 4 years of Bachelor's and 2 years of the midrasha were not enough at all to satisfy my Academic hunger (haven't done Master's yet, sorry, mum!).

 

So today when Ezra and I were walking up the beautiful University street of Leipzig in the very centre of the city, I felt that the sky was wider and higher, than usual, calm breeze was full of University air taking me to my favourite place in the world.

I wonder what are my readers' obsession? Readers' that become less and less like my blog posts :-D It's fine, sometimes it's very useful talking/writing to yourself and making things clear and realising what you didn't actually know before.

Crymama

It took me more than an hour to put Ezra to sleep. During this one hour he pooed twice, drank water, jumped up and down, cried, and then fell asleep on my lap.

Looking at his wet eyelashes, I also started to cry and once I start crying, there's nothing to stop me. I cried my heart out for good - remembered not only my idea of calm and cool parenthood (in which I fail lately), but also my own childhood. Suddenly missed my mum like mad and wanted her with me so I would fall asleep on her lap too.

Then I cried because Ezra is my copy of a character. You just can't make him do whatever he doesn't want to. You can't talk to him strictly if you want him to do what you should.
Main reason of my heartful crying was that I don't want him to have character traits like me. I've been a trouble all my life - although I was excellent student, my behaviour was rebellious at school; most professors at university didn't like me either (nor my writing). Work - I've never worked at one place more than 1 year in my life :| I didn't like bosses. I can't stand social injustice and snobs. At home - I was whining all the time and everyone should've listened to it. My mum and sister Lilu are heroes.
I said I didn't want Ezra to be like me and I meant it. At least I am woman and it's not a tragedy, but for a man having my character means he'll be another Che Guevara revolting against the dominant world for all his life - not proper, especially for a Jewish boy who needs to be disciplined Torah and Talmud scholar. Only Hashem can help ME to be a good mum to raise my children in His way!
אָמֵן!!!

Good thing is, I became better person after getting married, I work on myself quite hard to be patient and not lose temper easily. I need to work harder though, because I might be very happy and positive person, always laughing and joking, but inside I am a rebel. As a wife - I think I am not that bad, I hear what my husband says, make him feel warm home and try to whine as little as possible.
Mum - I can't tell you yet. It's been only 14 months I've been in this position. I don't mind Ezra throwing things around, messing and eating like a baby pig, only thing that makes me mad is his sleep - rather not wanting to go to bed.

So, after crying came the sunshine with the words of Shlomo HaMelech: "This too shall pass". I knew it will. I know Ezra will grow up quickly, I'll get old even quicker, but I am a human, Mensch!!!! :) Human that needs to have emotions and express them or time will pass and emotions fade to nowhere; while I believe it's all about emotions that makes the world go round and makes mantra become better (if you say so, Soph, big fat mantra expert! :P).

Letter club

Today I imagined that I was some old times English lady writing a letter to her friend in another town. I found the pen that I have not used for a long time, got papers from my old note-book, took an envelope from my husband's drawer and got down to writing.
Whenever you do something you need to feel comfortable. Even writing a letter should be cozy and make you feel good; so I sat in my kitchen which has a nice view to the green backyard wearing a green Zara cardigan and green ear-rings I have bought two years ago in Berlin.
And the pen started to slip on the paper like it did not belong to me at all.
That is what usually happens to me - when I start to write ideas, thoughts come so randomly all I have to do is to follow the pen and make it write slower for nobody would have been able to read what I had written.

People don't write letters to friends nowadays. They write e-mails I know. I e-mail everyone all the time too but you can never compare an e-mail to a real letter written by not computer or some typewriting machine but a living human hand.
My husband has beautiful hand writing in fact. Mine is awful. I write fast and never mind the size of the letters. I make notes to him when I leave, or when I want to make his day... then he comes to me asking what have I actually written.
Nonetheless I write and write because that's what I feel quite good at.

I had some weird professor in my freshman year at University who taught Linguistics and she used to repeat the following: "Verba volant, scripta manent" meaning 'Words fly while letters remain'. Even though I used to think she was scary and giving students hard time now I absolutely agree (should I feel little nervous what if I am getting weird too?).
So if the letters remain imagine how eternal our writings could be? You may write some funny story or a witty line which will make someone's day in a ten year's time or next century. Why talk about someone in a century but yourself, you may find your old diary that you kept when you were a teenager, find some lines you had scribbled there and here you go - happy, inspired and feeling loved.

That's my letter club all about, I decided this morning in my very kitchen writing a letter to a friend. I will write letters and mail them around to people I think of. Some people design clothes, some run the companies, some direct movies, some break hearts, some never smile and look gloomy, and I will be the head of my own letter club in my kitchen distributing moment of "scripta" happiness.
Don't let the word "moment" puzzle you, nothing lasts forever anyway and one precious moment is more important than the simple mundane decade.

Yours truly,

Sophie

Like an Apple

Tea for one

I still haven't learned to keep calm when people do not behave well. I don't show it, I just leave the room and walk to and fro until my anger passes away. Today I felt that I was so small like an apple. It is always a problem. Feeling small and helpless. Miriam Masha (The teacher) spoke about 'emmuna and bitachon' (faith and trust) today, and it sounded so familiar to me, but sometimes I forget it. I lose bitachon. When I lose it I lose myself as well. I become like some strange person walking in my body and the soul as a trapped animal. Imagine how is it to feel like you are an apple: green, fresh, juicy, but small.

Maybe I should visit a psychoanalyst at last and not to rely only on my own analysis. That's how it all starts - being an apple and then becoming Napoleon the Bonaparte ;) Ok, now I am joking.

I miss my home.
I miss things like coming back home from the University and buying bread.
I miss sitting in my kitchen in the morning, listening to the radio and writing.
It is not a regular missing. No. It is something different. Really.

Sore-ority :)

It's my 100th post on this blog and I have terrible cold. My nose, throat and eyes are sore, plus Shavuot is coming and I feel like a zombie :( I wanted to be happy and energetic on this day, and I'm so miserable - have no mood neither to eat nor to laugh. I very much hope that I'll get some sleep before Yom Tov and will be better for the following night.

I wanted to tell you about this new girl in midrasha. She's staying with us for Yom Tov, she studies in the USA, at Yale and you can imagine how I like her. Ella's her name and she's supersmart. It's such pleasure talking to her, she's got very low and calm voice, speaks in friendly and nice tune. I love Yale. I mean, that's where I always wanted to study and live all that life students do there. Ella told me that it's very different from other universities in Europe and all - in addition with studies, they also do many social activities, have some societies and etc. Sounds like some smart kids' movie, doesn't it? I am so glad that I have an opportunity to meet so many smart and nice people from around the world. I hope they feel the same way about me. If they don't it will be a heartbreak for me. Especially now when I feel so fragile because of cold that I have to blow my nose every other minute.

Chag Shavuot Sameach!

A Writer

I've been trying to write a book since I was kid.
When I finished high school, I told my mum I did not want to go to university, but sit home and write a book. She looked at me puzzled then. What kind of book could a 17 years old girl write?
I did take a break after school, but did not write a book.
Yes, I have written some poems, novels, even published them somewhere, but it did not make me a writer.

Three years later I went to university, faculty of social and political sciences. This year majored in Journalism and minored in Psychology. During these 4 years I've been writing lots of things, made a blog and all, but still haven't got a book.

Now I am a big girl, 25 under my belt.
Isn't a time to write that precious book I've always wanted?

But when I look at my blog (especially georgian one), I see that half of my book is written there and all I have to do is to copy and correct a little. So I hope that I'll start writing my very book soon. Can't wait.

And then I could freely say - I am a writer (no-one will be able to give me a puzzled look saying: what kind of job is that?)

For Sweet New Year

You have no idea how excited I am.

This is my fourth blog I guess.

Most of my blog readers know about me - I'm Sophie, 24. I've graduated from Tbilisi State University this year. I've majored in Journalism and minored in Psychology. I've become quite religious recently and I am so happy about it.

In 6 or more hours Jewish New Year will be present. Rosh Hashanah - as it is. I'm invited at Georgian Rabbi's home to celebrate Rosh Hashanah. I love visiting them.

I think I have to tell you the story as it goes: at first, I thought of religious people - as strict and even fanatic ones. When I first got to stay at rabbi's house for Shabbat, I was quite tight. I wasn't sure when should I smile and when should I not. But when I saw the rabbi and his wonderful wife Julia joking, laughing and talking like everybody else - I was amazed, really. After that I started keeping Shabbat and Kashrut myself. Now I'm working on Tzniut actually. I take it slowly because it's not good to become strictly religious at once.

Above it all - I found the serenity I always needed. Even though I've been considering myself as cool and rational person, I can't deny that there is strong southern blood rushing through my veins. I may not show my emotions, but my heart is beating like mad from inside.
My dear friends, bloggers, readers, welcome to my new GOLDEN WORLD :)

שנה טובה