It's never over

Oh, Lenny, Lenny... not that you are someone special or anything... it is all about your voice and sensual songs full of emotions, little teasing and smooth as hell; as if hell was supposed to be smooth. How can you tell what is hell like? Has anyone ever returned from there? There is no hell, people, no heaven either - it is all about wandering and wondering in and out of your head. Life's never over till it's REALLY over...

"Even the righteous suffer when G-d punishes the wicked" - Radak comments on this week's Haftarah and it is just about on time to comfort me.

Take a breath

Voice is not back yet, but attitude is better. I woke up this morning hoping that would be able to speak but still could not. I felt like I could talk really, throat was not sore anymore, but my voice still harsh.

Trying to write a letter (a real letter) to a friend who cheered me up yesterday, read stories to me and I felt like I was little sick child who is so lonely and away home; only thing that makes her happy is a "radio" with dear voice. I wanted to say how happy I was and how safe I felt listening to it. It is unbelievable when you don't need to speak but listen and let it be.
So I decided to write a letter and have even started when one girl came into my room and wanted to talk, asked loads of questions of course. Why do people always try to get something out of you even if you can't talk? They just love to know all about others' lives, don't they?
And why am I so indifferent about others' lives? Does it make me too self-centered? Maybe it does. I don't want to know what others do, how they live - it is all up to them. I love people the way they are and I don't want to dig in their minds. I want to live my own life without manuals if you know what I mean. I actually do. Who could have thought that I would have lost my voice and someone would read stories to me? What kind of manual could have predicted that anyway?..

I suddenly miss Lila - my cousin and best friend. I miss how we used to sit in my kitchen - she would drink coffee and I - tea. We would talk about kinky things, about boys, love, music, movies. We would laugh and be happy. I would love to sit with her in any kitchen now and talk till midnight.
It's like my friend often says that nothing is like just talking about simple things.

Drop the philosophy, live life and laugh.

I love you, Lila.
And thinking of you, dear friend of mine.

Lost In Silence

Mary Pickford (the silent movie star) - muse of the day

I have lost my voice completely. I am so sore and sad. I feel like the world is crashing down on me. I can't talk. I can only whisper and feel like that girl from Hans Christian Andersen's story who had to keep quiet and knit nettle jumpers for her bewitched brothers.

I know there must be some reason of my losing voice but I just can't think of it. What does my subconscious wants to say? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

I was so happy yesterday, and grateful to G-d for everything. Today I also realize and thank Hashem even more for how much He has given me even though my voice is taken away.
If only you could imagine how it feels.
I am not that free after all, am I? I can't even breathe and talk as I would like to. Life is so ironic, so tough and rough. And people are even worse, asking slyly: Oh, Sophie, who were you shouting at yesterday that your voice got lost? Isn't that just mean and f-ing nasty? Everyone thinks they should know all about your life so then they can discuss about it. I am so mad. I am. I cannot even give my witty replies to them. Only one who does not ask questions is my room-mate Liora, she just gave me medicines and showed me she's there for me.

Actually it is very good lesson for me which will teach me patience, keeping silent and being humble.
So take it easy, Soph, just smile and be happy because everything is for good. Your voice will be back on time and you'll have so much wisdom you won't need to lose it again - be patient and nice!

Listening to ''The Goo Goo Dolls".

Night Radio Voice

I have a new favourite actress - Romola Garai. I've always liked her, but in this movie "Glorious 39" she was wonderful. Even though the end of the movie was quite unfit. It's a quiet British movie with good actors in it: Bill Nighy, Julie Christie, Jeremy Northam (my old love). I don't know whether director or script writer went wrong because I was expecting more action, more reality and suddenly movie was over. But I have to admit that costumes were perfect, nature was beautiful (that's G-d) and actors played quite all right.


Romola - she has this big blue (or grey) eyes looking into the camera and making you feel like you've known her forever. Also her low voice is very charming and it's one of the best parts when she reads books for her father. Listening to her I once more missed radio. She has typical night radio voice for intellectuals if you know what I mean.


To resume, British movies have some kind of charm that no other movies have. I love French movies, but still can't compare with English ones. There's something about their accent and the way they talk, walk, smile, cry... I just love it.


Here is the link of "Glorious 39" for Georgian readers.
7/10

Sore-ority :)

It's my 100th post on this blog and I have terrible cold. My nose, throat and eyes are sore, plus Shavuot is coming and I feel like a zombie :( I wanted to be happy and energetic on this day, and I'm so miserable - have no mood neither to eat nor to laugh. I very much hope that I'll get some sleep before Yom Tov and will be better for the following night.

I wanted to tell you about this new girl in midrasha. She's staying with us for Yom Tov, she studies in the USA, at Yale and you can imagine how I like her. Ella's her name and she's supersmart. It's such pleasure talking to her, she's got very low and calm voice, speaks in friendly and nice tune. I love Yale. I mean, that's where I always wanted to study and live all that life students do there. Ella told me that it's very different from other universities in Europe and all - in addition with studies, they also do many social activities, have some societies and etc. Sounds like some smart kids' movie, doesn't it? I am so glad that I have an opportunity to meet so many smart and nice people from around the world. I hope they feel the same way about me. If they don't it will be a heartbreak for me. Especially now when I feel so fragile because of cold that I have to blow my nose every other minute.

Chag Shavuot Sameach!