Forgetting your name

I heard someone I truly respect saying that we, modern people, especially from, so called, first world, tend to be very self-centered and pay too much attention to social services and etc. He also said that we become very easily frustrated when somebody forgets our name, or spells it incorrectly. I listened to him and then said I didn't agree, because it is natural for a person to be conscious about its name and want others to remember it correctly. If somebody forgets your name or doesn't bother itself to spell it properly, it means that person is inattentive, shallow and above all, doesn't care about you enough to bother oneself and memorise the name, I said.

The other day Ezra and I went grocery shopping and ran into a very lovely girl. She's not exactly friend of mine or anything, but she's one of the few people I hug. I mean, Germany is not very hugging country, even people who emigrated here have become (or essentially were) icy cold and which hugging you ask for, when they even forget to greet you. You know, it is nice to hug friends and be hugged too. This girl has always been different - very polite and kind. We know her family and been invited for dinner once too, and I felt quite close to them -- lovely people.
Anyhow, we saw her at the supermarket and went to greet her. We talked about this and that, then her phone called, it was another mutual friend of ours, who happened to be there too and wanted to join us. Sure, this girl said, we'll wait for you. Apparently, the person on the other line asked, who were "we", because my friend hesitated and blushed, couldn't answer immediately and turned to me, asking what was my name. She then apologised thousand times, she said it was because we hardly see each other and she didn't know how could she forget my name.

I remember back in school I had a really nice teacher, but she called me Sofia all the time. It used to upset me really, I tried to explain her politely it was Sophie, but she never seemed to hear. So I started to dislike her even though she was always nice to me and I even liked talking to her about different subjects.

 

Now suddenly I was happy. I know, this is crazy, but it was like illumination for me, seriously -- because I experienced exactly same what my friend was talking about the other day. I realised I didn't mind much someone forgetting my name, not because I am so humble that didn't think of myself important (no I am selfish enough, trust me), but I thought I shouldn't judge people in any case. You never know reasons - she might have been tired, or sick or anything, or we really don't see each other that often so she could have my name in her head all the time.

Well, mostly I felt happy because I sort of fought over my conscious self, didn't get upset and assured her it was all right while sometimes we even forget our own names, let alone others'. Don't we? ;)

Crymama

It took me more than an hour to put Ezra to sleep. During this one hour he pooed twice, drank water, jumped up and down, cried, and then fell asleep on my lap.

Looking at his wet eyelashes, I also started to cry and once I start crying, there's nothing to stop me. I cried my heart out for good - remembered not only my idea of calm and cool parenthood (in which I fail lately), but also my own childhood. Suddenly missed my mum like mad and wanted her with me so I would fall asleep on her lap too.

Then I cried because Ezra is my copy of a character. You just can't make him do whatever he doesn't want to. You can't talk to him strictly if you want him to do what you should.
Main reason of my heartful crying was that I don't want him to have character traits like me. I've been a trouble all my life - although I was excellent student, my behaviour was rebellious at school; most professors at university didn't like me either (nor my writing). Work - I've never worked at one place more than 1 year in my life :| I didn't like bosses. I can't stand social injustice and snobs. At home - I was whining all the time and everyone should've listened to it. My mum and sister Lilu are heroes.
I said I didn't want Ezra to be like me and I meant it. At least I am woman and it's not a tragedy, but for a man having my character means he'll be another Che Guevara revolting against the dominant world for all his life - not proper, especially for a Jewish boy who needs to be disciplined Torah and Talmud scholar. Only Hashem can help ME to be a good mum to raise my children in His way!
אָמֵן!!!

Good thing is, I became better person after getting married, I work on myself quite hard to be patient and not lose temper easily. I need to work harder though, because I might be very happy and positive person, always laughing and joking, but inside I am a rebel. As a wife - I think I am not that bad, I hear what my husband says, make him feel warm home and try to whine as little as possible.
Mum - I can't tell you yet. It's been only 14 months I've been in this position. I don't mind Ezra throwing things around, messing and eating like a baby pig, only thing that makes me mad is his sleep - rather not wanting to go to bed.

So, after crying came the sunshine with the words of Shlomo HaMelech: "This too shall pass". I knew it will. I know Ezra will grow up quickly, I'll get old even quicker, but I am a human, Mensch!!!! :) Human that needs to have emotions and express them or time will pass and emotions fade to nowhere; while I believe it's all about emotions that makes the world go round and makes mantra become better (if you say so, Soph, big fat mantra expert! :P).

Up and up and up

I come home.
Open the post box and hope there will be a letter that I really need to get. All I get is taxes.
Go up and up and up.
Nothing.
Up and up and up.

Still nothing.
White walls and brown balconies.
I feel that the world has to disappear and reappear again. Then everybody would be either dead or happy.

Anyway.
Every word we say is empty. Every heart is cold. Every mind is blank. Every river streams down to nowhere.
I still try to go up and up and up.
Nothing happens.

Mascara gets ruined. Eyes get red and tired. Chocolate boxes go to the grey bin which is supposed to be the recycling bin for papers.
Everything gets recycled and recycled, new things come out and tend to be ecologically friendly, give me a break!
So we go up and up and up.
Still nothing but taxes to pay.

By Alabama Otis

Lost In Silence

Mary Pickford (the silent movie star) - muse of the day

I have lost my voice completely. I am so sore and sad. I feel like the world is crashing down on me. I can't talk. I can only whisper and feel like that girl from Hans Christian Andersen's story who had to keep quiet and knit nettle jumpers for her bewitched brothers.

I know there must be some reason of my losing voice but I just can't think of it. What does my subconscious wants to say? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

I was so happy yesterday, and grateful to G-d for everything. Today I also realize and thank Hashem even more for how much He has given me even though my voice is taken away.
If only you could imagine how it feels.
I am not that free after all, am I? I can't even breathe and talk as I would like to. Life is so ironic, so tough and rough. And people are even worse, asking slyly: Oh, Sophie, who were you shouting at yesterday that your voice got lost? Isn't that just mean and f-ing nasty? Everyone thinks they should know all about your life so then they can discuss about it. I am so mad. I am. I cannot even give my witty replies to them. Only one who does not ask questions is my room-mate Liora, she just gave me medicines and showed me she's there for me.

Actually it is very good lesson for me which will teach me patience, keeping silent and being humble.
So take it easy, Soph, just smile and be happy because everything is for good. Your voice will be back on time and you'll have so much wisdom you won't need to lose it again - be patient and nice!

Listening to ''The Goo Goo Dolls".

BEE

What kind of bee is this? =)) It's rather a fly than bee. I found this funny blog with extraordinary pictures and now can't wait to share them with you.

For good

You know what gets on my nerves? When somebody says that everything has its reason and all happens for good purpose. Well, I am one of those annoying people who say that actually. I keep saying things like that because I need to calm myself down and make life easier. In reality, how do I know that it is for good or nothing happens without particular reason? I do not. I just have to believe in it, haven't I?

This post is going to be less positive or optimistic. What really makes me happy is smile upon a person who's greeting me like my neighbour, old Kurdish woman, who always forgets my name, but remembers to smile at me and wish me good luck. That is definitely for good. And after that I always have wonderful day.

No matter how strong we are, we need human support, human love and understanding to go on living and breathing, if you know what I mean. We need each other to talk and to listen. But hey, who listens to each other these days? No-one, that's why everyone goes to the damn psychologists and waste fortunes to be heard.

I wanna be heard. Probably that is the reason I blog. I hate talking when I can write instead. And I love smiling and having fun because in the end - everyone is same, dead and sore.
I am not and never will be afraid of get embarrassed, I am going to be what I am and I am not bad person, am I? Sure, you've seen better ones, but I was born for some purpose, wasn't I? ;) So, world has to accept me as I am because I'm for good here.

In my head

Oh, G-d. I just realized that I'm being watched :| well, not by the One above, but by people around the world, who read my blog, express (or never) their opinion and look into my brain (and soul maybe). I knew it before, but when I read other blogs I can understand that I cannot write what I really want and mean anymore. Because people will start to call me, e-mail me about my mood, why, Sophie? This and that...

Suddenly I feel like a lost child of 70's really, who struggles with life in this damn 21st century. Maybe I am very ungrateful person, but I just wanna be happy and I try to be... sometimes it just doesn't work that way.
I know IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD!

February 10th and I am still that Salinger girl who I used to be... trying to cope with all that comes my way. No explanations.

The Day

Shabbat's coming in half an hour.
I have to prepare candles, rip the paper, set the table...
And I'm still here posting this for you out there :)
I'm having a swell day :) Last week have been good and bad as well. It started with good - Naomi's engagement; and in the middle of the week I had terrible nervous breakdown because of my visa. Then I had a conversation with Dina, who helped me to cheer up and see the cup half full. So I accept Hashem's will whatever it might be.
Plus, I'm having PMS and it has direct connection to my mood.
I am happy! I needed a whole damn week to realize this, and dearest friend who showed me what really matters.

Shabbat Shalom & happy week end to you all!

נס גדול היה שם

נס גדול היה שם

I don't know what's a miracle for you.

It is the sunshine in the morning, it is the girls of midrasha :)
I am the miracle :)
I don't like typical miracles, because for me life is miracle itself.

You know what I learned today from this amazing girl Ella?
One should accept any result it gets because it is from Hashem, whether it's good or bad.
Only then we'll be able to be happy, really happy.
What makes us miserable is the feeling of weakness, solitude - when we fail and think that G-d has forsaken us... that's when melancholy comes and win over us... at least it comes to me quite often.
I'm starting to work on it right away!!!
My new friend Ella is the miracle for me, and I thank G-d for the people I get a chance to meet and become better person myself.

P.S. I did actually :) I spoke to rav Roberg. So my yetzer ara is happy as ever ;)

CHANUKA SAMEACH EVERYONE!!!

BE HAPPY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE GOT! I AM SURE YOU HAVE GOT ALL YOU NEED!

"Ordinary" Miracle

Rebbetzin Roberg with the midrasha girls - November '09

Had a great Shabbat..
On the second seuda we went to the Robergs', the sweetest couple ever. When I see rav Roberg, I really wish he was my grandpa. They live in Israel and come to Berlin once a month. When I went in the classroom this Wednesday and saw rav Roberg there, I almost run up and hug him :)) he's like this sweet old grandfather, you know. What about rebbetzin Roberg? She's just unbelieveable person - dear, smart, always smiling and giving us warm hugs. She never forgets any of us. Today, when I looked at the other girls during the lunch, it was amazing how their faces were shining really. Every girl smiled and you could see the happiness in their eyes. I've been in many families on Shabbat, but never seen something like that - each & every girl pleased. It would be such a blessing if I ever become rebetzin like her.

They both have been through Holocaust, but you would never say that. I mean, I've never seen any other Holocaust survivors, but I thought of them more of a depressed and closed people. I was wrong. Rebbetzin Roberg's family escaped the Nazi regime to Holland, but soon they invaded Netherlands too. So after her father was taken to the concentration camp, Dutch students that resisted Nazi invasion helped her mother to save her children, and little Rebetzin Roberg was given to a Catholic family to survive the war. Thanks to G-d, her parents survived the concentration camps and came back to collect their precious children. This part is really heart wrenching, if you imagine how hard it must have been to give your kids away not knowing you would see them again, and then search for them not to be sure of gaining them back. May nobody ever experiences that.
When she told her story, you could see that it was all about miracle. She never tells her story completely for it must be very hard to recall, but she loves Holland and its people, still speaks Dutch and even holds its citizenship to show her gratitude to the only nation that never gave in to the evil regime.
All of us have heard loads of stories about Holocaust, but it's always moving when you hear it from the person who had actually been there.
That is when I cry out again and again: Hashem has always been there and here too.

SHAVUA TOV!!! (I still can't stop being happy :) Why should I?)

HAPPY MONDAY

New day has come - MONDAY!
It's so sunny in Berlin. I'm on a lesson, our teacher is sweet young woman.
Today I have loads of things to do, so I'll have a chance to go out and feel the sun on my face :)

P.S. Yesterday we went ice-skating, it was terrible :lol: I mean, I suck at skating and my feet hurt so much. Still it was fun, I like going out with the girls and experience new things.

HAVE A HAPPY MONDAY!!!