G-dly union

This morning Ezra, his grandma and I went to the Leipzig train station to do some grocery shopping. When we passed that block, where they sell tickets, I saw a girl who lived in the midrasha too, but she came there right after I got married and left. Now she's just married too. She's really nice and sweet; her husband is also very intelligent and handsome guy.

It was so nice to see her - all smiley and happy, positive and full of hopes and dreams as all newly married girls are. I wanted to hug her and tell her, best life is about to come and wish her all the best that could be in the world.

[You know, sometimes I might be as cold as ice, but mostly I am such heartful sentimental person that can't help loving people - strangers or friends, no matter.]

But I didn't because I've seen that girl only twice in my life and we had literally said only two words to each other: "Gut Shabbes" -- as she was visiting the midrasha for Shabbat then. And I was a bride, all excited, scared, emotional, crazy, witty - saying funny things and hiding I was nervous about losing my freedom and becoming involved in this institution called marriage, so I couldn't pay enough attention to the newcomers, I am really sorry now.

And here, I saw her, lovely bride with sparkling eyes and glowing face with happiness.
I can't explain better, all the words are vain.

Anyone who knows how beautiful and meaningful traditional Jewish wedding is, will understand my emotions and excitement. I respect every religion and believe that all humans around the world are same, they all have heart and soul, they all want to be loved and give love, but when it comes to traditions, nothing can be compared to the Jewish life which is guided by Torah.
Everyone has God, but only Jews have Torah, which means we have double credit :) this is a half joke, because Torah is G-d and G-d is Torah, but what I mean is, that this is the only Book which gives life and is life Itself.
Naturally, Bible belongs to the world, but essential Torah with its beautiful commentaries is only mine (I mean it not literally for sure, rather philo-Sophie-cally).

It is said that receiving Torah from Hashem by Jews was like a wedding between Jewish nation and G-d, because this is most sacred and wholly union on the planet. For only husband and wife can be as close as it can ever be. They are one flesh and one soul, one creation - like G-d and Jewish people.
I know some will think I exaggerate as every sort of religious fanatic does, but all I want to say is that looking at that girl and her new husband made me realise this once more - there is nothing more beautiful than Jewish marriage where two souls are united for G-d and from G-d.

May You My Friends Live Long and Happy Life full of Joy and Torah Light!!! May Hashem bless you with many healthy children and granchildren! Amen!!!

Here are some photos from my own wedding. Yeah. It was not so long ago, it's been 2 years. So fresh and vivid still :)

Crymama

It took me more than an hour to put Ezra to sleep. During this one hour he pooed twice, drank water, jumped up and down, cried, and then fell asleep on my lap.

Looking at his wet eyelashes, I also started to cry and once I start crying, there's nothing to stop me. I cried my heart out for good - remembered not only my idea of calm and cool parenthood (in which I fail lately), but also my own childhood. Suddenly missed my mum like mad and wanted her with me so I would fall asleep on her lap too.

Then I cried because Ezra is my copy of a character. You just can't make him do whatever he doesn't want to. You can't talk to him strictly if you want him to do what you should.
Main reason of my heartful crying was that I don't want him to have character traits like me. I've been a trouble all my life - although I was excellent student, my behaviour was rebellious at school; most professors at university didn't like me either (nor my writing). Work - I've never worked at one place more than 1 year in my life :| I didn't like bosses. I can't stand social injustice and snobs. At home - I was whining all the time and everyone should've listened to it. My mum and sister Lilu are heroes.
I said I didn't want Ezra to be like me and I meant it. At least I am woman and it's not a tragedy, but for a man having my character means he'll be another Che Guevara revolting against the dominant world for all his life - not proper, especially for a Jewish boy who needs to be disciplined Torah and Talmud scholar. Only Hashem can help ME to be a good mum to raise my children in His way!
אָמֵן!!!

Good thing is, I became better person after getting married, I work on myself quite hard to be patient and not lose temper easily. I need to work harder though, because I might be very happy and positive person, always laughing and joking, but inside I am a rebel. As a wife - I think I am not that bad, I hear what my husband says, make him feel warm home and try to whine as little as possible.
Mum - I can't tell you yet. It's been only 14 months I've been in this position. I don't mind Ezra throwing things around, messing and eating like a baby pig, only thing that makes me mad is his sleep - rather not wanting to go to bed.

So, after crying came the sunshine with the words of Shlomo HaMelech: "This too shall pass". I knew it will. I know Ezra will grow up quickly, I'll get old even quicker, but I am a human, Mensch!!!! :) Human that needs to have emotions and express them or time will pass and emotions fade to nowhere; while I believe it's all about emotions that makes the world go round and makes mantra become better (if you say so, Soph, big fat mantra expert! :P).

Blue-eyed Uncle

Last night was THE night. I went to sleep at 7 pm. Then woke up at 12 I guess when year 2011 was about to enter the world. Heard those crazy fireworks but did not even bother to get up and look out the window.

After that tried to sleep but could not for hours. I suddenly recalled all my extraordinary uncles and aunts. I have an amazing uncle really. The youngest brother of my mother. He is not quite young, he's 50 but very cool. One friend reminded me about Ping Pong game and that is why I remembered him probably. I used to play ping pong with him, and I actually always won, then he would smile with his blue eyes and say: Soph, I'll be lucky in love though. I am telling you he's funny. What love? He has grown up sons and beautiful wife. Anyway he is always eager for love I guess. I mean he does everything with his heart and soul. Sometimes I think that my crazy sense of humour is all from him. Plus he looks like my mother very much - with his big blue eyes and lovely smile, and humour just like me: you never know when he jokes and when he really means it.

I guess I felt little loneliness last night that is why I tried to escape in my adolescence and thought about my family. I have been very independent since I was little kid with reddish hair, everyone would ask my opinion and then I just grew out from all of them. I decided to live different life of a religious Jew. And left them behind. Now when I imagine that I cannot eat my uncle's fried potatoes or I need to check how he makes yogurt, it hurts me a bit.

Then I realize that it is just childhood I miss, you know, when I was this wild girl running and laughing her guts out hoping she would become someone really great. It is crazy to put such ideas into little girl's head that she should be someone great when she grows up no matter what. And what if this girl does not want to be someone great at all but just be a sweet wife and mother. Is it too old fashioned? I know people who think so.

You know what my uncle told me once? That I will be great in anything I do even if I just smile and make someone's day. He himself is crazy, funny and sometimes blue too, but he always knows how to cheer me up and make me feel good about myself. I think this is the point when you understand that someone really loves you - makes you feel good about yourself and inspires you to become even better.

Wishlist of the people to talk to

This week has been pretty good. I've been learning "Shmuel" (Prophet Samuel's book), Kings' and been thinking how amazing should King Solomon had been.
Do you know what amazes me? That he had so many wives and women slaves.
No wonder all his wives were happy, even the 700th one. Although I think he could not know all of them in person because logically he would not have time to have relationship with everyone. There are much less days in a year than the quantity of his wives and women slaves in general.
In addition with that King Solomon was a great ruler and composed amazing writings. He just could not had had the time for all.

So now it explains my worries about polygamy.

Can you imagine to be someone's 700th wife? I can't. I would have killed them all total 699, and then would choke my husband with too much love.

But King Shlomo was THE King Shlomo and not the boy next door. There has never been a man like him and I very much doubt that there will ever be.

You know I have a list of the Biblical characters who I would like to meet and now King Solomon is the leader of it. There are Jacob, Moses, Judith, Ruth, Sarah, King David and Ibn Ezra (he is not Biblical figure though) also in the list. Sometimes I wish so much I could meet one of them and talk. I believe they would understand my points of view - people never change even from the times of Abraham and Sarah; human heart and soul stay the same, it's just the environment that changes.

SHABBAT SHALOM!!!

Tanks in Tears

By Meir Levin (Translation: Shaul Gorgel)

Our girl school had an outing on the Golan Hights. That way The Israeli Ministry of Education had decided to make "Russian" children over into one hundred percent Israelis. Me and my wife travelled together with the school. Well experienced tour guides were called into action, complete with university degrees and broad smiles. Specially fitted tour programme that included motion pictures was meant to spark off some patriotic sentiment. So the trip was over, what was told there safely forgotten, but one story remains in my memory. It haunts me no less than the account of Metzudah defenders. Because I have returned to Israel, not just came here.

War crashes into our lives and homes in an unnoticeable kind of way and always at a wrong time. All of a sudden it turns out that someone didn't have the time to write up a letter to his mother. That a bride expects over her groom in a six hours time as he hopes finally to get a long awaited "yes".

Soldiers were asleep, as young men could be following excruciating military exercises. Yom Kippur, The Day of Atonement got in, a festival of fasting that brings together almost all of the Jews. There's even a sad joke, "Yom Kippur Jews". Anyways, the boys were fast asleep. Because their commanders kept saying to them that if the enemy dares to... we'll... And that the border is well guarded. And that "The Gardian of Israel doesn't sleep, nor does He drowse". Strong and reliable is battle-tried Israeli military.

The war tore up the quietude of the festival. Syrian tanks rolled into The Valley of Tears. The most advanced at the time T-55 tanks, complete with night vision gear. The latest of Soviet military hardware was always tested in real combat conditions. So the volley was set ablaze.

Khani really meant to say yes to her Beni. It's just that she wanted to lead him on a little more. She'd hate herself for that for many years to come. But in vain.

The fighting over the volley has been on for 2 days now. Less and less tanks respond to the vehicle in command. Communications with the head quarters are out. However, one thing is for sure, the reinforcement is coming. It can't be otherwise. The squad commander, Yig'al Baum receives the same response all over again to all his check-ins: "No ammunition. We're pulling back, back, back".

How difficult it is to take responsibility for someone else's life. The boys haven't lived it up yet. Some don't even know the taste of the first kiss. But what's there to do? The Syrians can't be let past - whatever the price. There comes through a unique order in the history of warfare: "All tanks follow me. The enemy doesn't realise we're disarmed".

But war is no game. You can't just bluff - lives are at stake. Ten tanks started slowly going uphill. Without firing, simply burning away the remaining fuel.

Unrestrained valour sometimes frightens more than the most heavy shelling there is. The Syrians suddenly began to retreat. By the time they figured out that the unfiring tanks aren't some kind of secret Israeli military ploy, the reinforcement moved in.

There are a lot of flowers in the Golan Hights. The flowers grown in the Volley of Tears will never wither. For the memory of the fallen soldiers cannot disappear. So forever will blossom the flowers on the ground drenched with our blood and tears.