G-dly union

This morning Ezra, his grandma and I went to the Leipzig train station to do some grocery shopping. When we passed that block, where they sell tickets, I saw a girl who lived in the midrasha too, but she came there right after I got married and left. Now she's just married too. She's really nice and sweet; her husband is also very intelligent and handsome guy.

It was so nice to see her - all smiley and happy, positive and full of hopes and dreams as all newly married girls are. I wanted to hug her and tell her, best life is about to come and wish her all the best that could be in the world.

[You know, sometimes I might be as cold as ice, but mostly I am such heartful sentimental person that can't help loving people - strangers or friends, no matter.]

But I didn't because I've seen that girl only twice in my life and we had literally said only two words to each other: "Gut Shabbes" -- as she was visiting the midrasha for Shabbat then. And I was a bride, all excited, scared, emotional, crazy, witty - saying funny things and hiding I was nervous about losing my freedom and becoming involved in this institution called marriage, so I couldn't pay enough attention to the newcomers, I am really sorry now.

And here, I saw her, lovely bride with sparkling eyes and glowing face with happiness.
I can't explain better, all the words are vain.

Anyone who knows how beautiful and meaningful traditional Jewish wedding is, will understand my emotions and excitement. I respect every religion and believe that all humans around the world are same, they all have heart and soul, they all want to be loved and give love, but when it comes to traditions, nothing can be compared to the Jewish life which is guided by Torah.
Everyone has God, but only Jews have Torah, which means we have double credit :) this is a half joke, because Torah is G-d and G-d is Torah, but what I mean is, that this is the only Book which gives life and is life Itself.
Naturally, Bible belongs to the world, but essential Torah with its beautiful commentaries is only mine (I mean it not literally for sure, rather philo-Sophie-cally).

It is said that receiving Torah from Hashem by Jews was like a wedding between Jewish nation and G-d, because this is most sacred and wholly union on the planet. For only husband and wife can be as close as it can ever be. They are one flesh and one soul, one creation - like G-d and Jewish people.
I know some will think I exaggerate as every sort of religious fanatic does, but all I want to say is that looking at that girl and her new husband made me realise this once more - there is nothing more beautiful than Jewish marriage where two souls are united for G-d and from G-d.

May You My Friends Live Long and Happy Life full of Joy and Torah Light!!! May Hashem bless you with many healthy children and granchildren! Amen!!!

Here are some photos from my own wedding. Yeah. It was not so long ago, it's been 2 years. So fresh and vivid still :)

Cities

An acquaintance of mine said to me the other day, that whenever she starts thinking about intellectual matters and sort of tries to train her brain, her head aches like crazy.
She made me feel better about myself for that's what I've been feeling last 13 months.
Sometimes I can't recognise myself, I get emotional very easily, my speech gets nervous and writing - worse. There are times when I re-read my posts (mostly in Georgian, because you shouldn't ask much from me in English) and they are so illogical. Not that I've ever minded logic, but still, I used to write well (at least to some taste).

Then one rabbi who is also our family friend, gave a class couple of months ago and told us, that somewhere in Talmud it states that woman continues to have her "pregnancy mind" for two years, especially if she's nursing.
When I was in the midrasha I used to say that Talmud isn't studied by women only because it's all about what men think and say, and we (wise girls) know that men never understand women, they are from different planet, so women will not bear studying a book which is only based on men's wisdom.
So now I really take back my words, Talmud is right. Pregnancy mind (rather lack of it) definitely continues for more than a year - I am living proof for that.

After couple of months we had Ezra, my brother-in-law came over for Shabbat and before dessert we decided to play some game. Since you can't write or use various muktzeh things on Shabbat, we started to play this very Soviet game called: "Cities". It goes like this, 4-5 people are in game; one of them picks any letter from Alphabet and says a name of a city (e.g. Leipzig), and second one says the name of other city beginning with the last letter of the city mentioned before (Leipzig - Glasgow), so it continues like that (next one will be Glasgow - Weimar). Time is also very limited there, VERY MUCH indeed, you should say the city names in one-two seconds, quicker you are, the better.
Now I'm trying to remember the suitable expression to my failure in that game.
I couldn't recall the cities of Georgia, let alone the worldwide. My mind was blank. All right I could've named some of them after thinking for couple of minutes, but not in seconds definitely.
So I got very upset, left the room and cried my heart out. My husband tried to calm me down reminding me what our midwife had said abour postpartum time + nursing = mini-dementia.
I was upset and embarrassed anyway, because I used to be quite good at that game and knew loads of cities.

My husband asks me every now and then if I'd like to try, but I am scared and always say, not yet.
You know what though? Having written this, I realise that I probably will play this Shabbat. It's time to overcome the embarrassment, it's my family after all and no-one will laugh at me if I fail again.
I can't let the pregnancy mind become me, if you know what I mean. Plus, I am not pregnant anymore and it's been more than a year since, I shall give it a try.

What a great mind-[en]lightening thing is blogging, isn't it?

Panoramic dream

Do you know where we went today? To the Panoramic museum of Yadegar Asisi in Leipzig. And do you know why is it so important?
All right, I am about to tell you.

Back in 2010 when I visited Leipzig for second time with the group of friends from the midrasha, we went to that very museum to see Amazonia. Beautiful and outstanding project by famous architect and artist Yadegar Asisi (of Persian origin, born in Austria).
I was so bewitched by it, that when my future husband and I started dating, it was one of the places we went on our dates.

I mean, we weren't engaged yet, it was early March (but sunny), after visiting this museum, we decided to chill outside on the bench, eating pistachios and letting the early Spring sun to warm our faces. I'll never forget that day. It was much more than any romantic date could have been. It was all we needed then: peace, culture and pistachios :)

And now, after two years, we still went there.
So changed though. Never mind my extra kilos, or late Winter rain.
We went there with Ezra, our 10 months old baby.

Isn't life great after all?
There might be hard times and difficulties that make you forget those old tender moments, when you were just yourselves, full of dreams and passion of unknown, because we didn't know each other for long time, but the moments like it was this morning when we strolled down to the Panoramic with Ezra and saw the bench where we sat couple of years ago, it made both of us smile.

 Yeh, those old buildings are so moody European

I used to insist that it's not about places, but faces. I think I might change my mind now. It is about places too, because they sort of make you appreciate and remember precious faces and times. At least that's what happened to me/us today.
And Ezra loved the Panoramic too. At first we hesitated because of the loud sounds, but Ezra looked so happy and joyful, we just moved on and enjoyed new and also overwhelming project of Asisi about mount Everest this time.

This photo is brought from the website of Asisi - so no rule was transgressed since I am very against taking pictures at museums (unlike so many people)

Decisions, negotiations and other "lifely" things

At this point of my life I am happy, but pretty concerned about my professional future. What do I want to do next? Have another baby or finish my German course to approve my bachelor's diploma and get the master's degree? Having another baby and being pregnant is actually not an obstacle at all, while I have done all my courses when I was pregnant with Ezra, thing is, after I had a baby I couldn't study any more. I was too overwhelmed and tired. Plus, I wanted to bond with my baby and get used to my new role.
BUT mostly I care about my health - would it be ok to give another go and let hormones lead me so soon? Thing is I am 28 and I really want to have many children, at least 4, and I wouldn't like to have them after 35, so who knows, perhaps this is perfect age.
(Honestly, one more thing that puts me off is wanting to pee all the time when you're pregnant. I still have to get up several times at night to give Ezra pacifier or nurse him, and now to have this need of going to toilet every two hours, doesn't attract me at all.)

Now Ezra's 10 months old, quite a character and as my friend described, perfect first child - refusing to be put down or left alone to play by himself, cuddling and climbing on mum all the time.
As soon as he's able to walk and be more independent, I want him to go to the kindergarten. There is tiny little kindergarten run by the Leipzig community where all our friends' children go and have good time, I believe. Since I've never gone to kindergarten myself, I really would like Ezra to go, make friends and be social. He is very social indeed, loves people, watching them and "singing" to them, but being in kindergarten must be harder - it's first school for the child where he has to win his place and develop friendship with other kids, or fight and scare them off just like I used to do and my mum had to leave that idea of me and kindergarten and found a nanny for me.
I hope it'll be different with Ezra and he will love it.

Yes, life is all about decisions and negotiations which distract me sometimes. There are times when I just want to relax and think about nothing, then I realise once more I am grown up and I can't just relax that easily. Those old times are gone for good (and I regret not) and I am adjusted as much as possible of being a good wife and mother.
All right, I get frustrated too every now and then. But then I remember what my favourite teacher's wife has once told me: "judge people favourably and be sure that husband, or children never want to hurt you purposely, they love you dearly and if something unpleasant ever happens, it's not because they are mean, but because you need to talk more and give more to each other." -- this is something I often remind myself and always works.

Have a nice week!!!

Little Boy's Tzitzis

My little friend who goes to school in Germany told me that his tzitzis accidentally pulled out and children started to laugh at him. They mocked, if it was his tail.

I have never felt sadder in my life when I heard this.

Nothing happens accidentally. Nobody laughs accidentally. I am not the one who believes in signs, but I do believe in causality if that's a proper word. I believe there are causes and effects, there are situations, places, spaces and faces we have to overcome in our lives.

It's "something" saying that we don't belong here. I know I've been claiming for all my life that anyone can live anywhere and nobody has right to set borders. Everyone should live and go wherever one feels going. Everyone should be happy.
Obviously not.

We can never be happy living in a strange land, speaking foreign language and be weirdos - wearing tzitzis or long sleeves in summer not conforming like others do. We will always be the ones crossing the river and shaming others.

When I told my husband that story, he said, one is never happy away from home and we've been away forever.
Will we ever be back? :/

This song melts my soul.

MUST Parve Dessert

As my husband jokes, there's nothing more tragic for an yiddishe man, than to be "Fleischig" the rest of the day.

I love meat. Especially beef. My husband prefers fish, but loves meat the way I cook too. I take all the credit here - I am not a good baker definitely, but I love making meat, it always comes out good. And I don't do anything special, I just have the right feeling how to roast onions and garlic before adding meat.

Today was the day when I cooked chicken breasts.
(My quick recipe goes like this: take a big pan, roast 5 onions and 2 cloves of garlic (if you are fond of it, have more) in rapeseed oil (or any other oil). Cut 3 medium breasts of chicken into small pieces and pour in the pan after onions and garlic are roasted, add 2 cups of water and let it boil. Before chicken is finally boiled, pour half cup of tomato juice, let it boil a minute, add salt and pepper to taste.)

It doesn't end here though. You can't just cook chicken breasts for dinner, you need to make something for dessert. Something which won't be dairy because we can't eat dairy after meat, have to wait 6 hours before that. As usual in Judaism, everything is harder for men - they have so much mitzvot to keep and never get leniency; it's only different with pregnant or breastfeeding women, who can eat dairy after meat in an hour's time.

Since I've been married and started cooking and baking, my biggest headache have been desserts. I learned how to bake brownies, banana chocolate chip cake, ultimate chocolate cake (fancy this "ultimate" word, don't really know what makes it ultimate though), American apple pie (with 300 grams of butter in it and your flat will smell like butter for a week), lemon bundt cake...
The problem is to find a Parve recipe, cake or pie without dairy ingredients, rather finding is not a problem, but the taste is - nothing comes out as delicious as with dairy products, I believe.

(Anyway, here's the recipe of the Raspberry-Apple crumble... I mean,Raspberry-Blueberry-Strawberry one. I didn't have Granny Smith apples and nutmeg that were in the original recipe, so I made it my way.
Defrost one package (400grams) of frozen raspberry-blueberry-strawberry mix or use fresh and drain it. Then pour two cups of flour and one cup of sugar and mix them together in a bowl, cut in one cup of margarine and make crumbles by hand.
Preheat the oven at 180c.
Put some crumbles on the bottom of the round spring pan and press with fingers a little. Add drained fruits. The rest of the crumbs go on top.
Bake for 25 minutes. If you like your crumble drier and fruits transformed into jam, leave it in the oven for 40 minutes (from my failure experience which actually came out quite fine) ).

Now, it's worth to become Fleischig for 6 hours, isn't it?

Still so much to achieve - Hasta La Victoria Siempre?

In 2011 I had almost everything planned including wedding and pregnancy. I had made notes that I'd do this and that at this or that time, and I actually made it. There were even things coming true that I had in mind, but did not quite long for so for 2012 I made no plans whatsoever. Probably that's why it was most complicated and spontaneous year.

The best moment of 2012 was Ezra's birth. Although, surprisingly, on 37th week with odd water breaking and labour so quick nobody believes when I tell. It is genetic, don't be jealous. My mum had me in two hours after contractions and my youngest aunt had her second child in an hour after contractions started.
There were ups and downs, Ezra was colicky nearly four months and sometimes he wouldn't nap the whole day, or he had to be nursed every 1,5-2 hours which made me feel like a milk factory. Plus I had my moments that I call Postpartum Sophression, I hadn't realised that I was mum and my life had changed for ever. I wanted to be free and wild as before, write whenever I liked, read and enjoy my morning coffee in peace. In short, I hadn't prepared myself for motherhood properly.
In July my husband's grandmother passed away. She was the smartest and wittiest old lady I've met. She was 80, lived in Israel and visited us for wedding, that's when I met her for the first and last time. You've probably never seen an old lady so content and full of life, but illness never asks about that, does it? She never got to see Ezra, only his pictures that she loved to look at.
In Autumn my husband started a new well paid job, but you know nobody pays you well in this capitalistic world for nothing, he had to work very hard and was stressed most of the time. It also happened that my father in law passed away right after Yom Kippur which was something whole family had to cope with. We're still recovering.

I think I only wrote "downs", but there were "ups" too.
My mum came and stayed with us for 1,5 months, I don't know how I could have managed without her. Hashem, give her long and healthy life!!! 
I also started to enjoy being mum after 3-4 months, when Ezra became little human rolling and cuddling, laughing and babbling around. I loved and still love breastfeeding. I consider it most beautiful and strong gift that G-d has given to women. No matter how hard it is, being a woman, experiencing period or labour pains, we still have this awesome strength to bring lives in the world, feed them and comfort them like no-one else, so who remembers the hard parts?
In August we went to Rammenau, which is a little peaceful village near Dresden and Sächsische Schweiz (meaning Sachsonian Switzerland). We rented a little cute country house with beautiful green garden where we could breathe a fresh air so needed after living in a city.
Last but not least, in Autumn we had our great festivals, Ezra's first Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Simchat Torah. Jewish festivals are not easy if you're observant, but as they are family focused and teaching what is really important in this world, makes everything special.

I guess that was all about 2012. I am glad it is over and looking forward for future. Future always is or must be better than past.

As for 2013 I need to make some planning so it doesn't slip through my fingers like 2012.

1. I must lose weight - I weighed 65 kilos when got pregnant and don't ask me how much I gained :| after giving birth I lost quite quickly, but now I have gained it back I guess and weigh 76 kilos, which is scary. I got such broad shoulders like a weight pusher and legs like football player. Seriously.
2. Blog more and seriously - this word "seriously" already makes me giggle, but let's hope, ok?
3. Work out - not only to keep in shape, but my doctor recommended because I've been having pain in my back since pregnancy. It's because of the relaxed muscles that prepare for child delivery.
4. Learn to knit socks - for that I need my mum to visit us again. Online lessons are not for me.
5. Be nice to people - especially to the ones I don't like. It is very easy to be nice with beloved ones, evil people can do that too.
6. Try to learn more kodesh - TaNaCh.
7. Read more books in Hebrew - to Ezra.
8. Complete my German course.
9. Learn how to take nice photos - this is a challenge for me. Even though I got a new camera for my birthday, haven't found time or patience to read the manual anyway :D
10. Give as much LOVE LOVE LOVE as possible - to my husband, Ezra, my mum, my in-laws and friends (real or online ones).

Happiness or joy

Today was the day when Ezra acted like little me. I couldn't make him nap when he was supposed to, refused to nurse and all he wanted was to play and giggle. No nap means he becomes hyperactive and I have to keep up with him which is not that easy after being sleep deprived, and still loads of household stuff to do. That's when I think I am going to lose it whatever this might mean.
On days like today I just can't wait when evening comes and put baby to sleep so I can have some time for myself a bit.

 

After Ezra fell asleep today and I also took half an hour nap, sort of felt better and started to pick up the photos to make our family album. It's a shame that we haven't even done our wedding album but my husband's colleague did and gave us as a present. Her husband is an amateur but still takes amazing pictures, so they made an album for us which was very nice. More kudos to Germans, who are actually quite honest and nice people. Although two photos in this post were taken by my sweet friend from Bulgaria, Masha Vasileva.

  

I found myself smiling all the time when I looked at our wedding photos. I tend to forget what a beautiful day it was and how happy we were. Some say, happiness is temporary and what one must do is to be joyful - because that is eternal, but I think it was such a mesmerizing moment filled with happiness, joy, excitement and LOVE all the same that nothing could ever make it different.

It wasn't that long ago actually, year and a half, as a matter of fact, but sometimes it seems like it was centuries ago when we used to be young, beautiful and slim (talking about myself)...
Now I know, whenever I am tired or down, or just sick of this heavy world, I should look at those photos and make myself as sunny as I should be.

This year's sufganyiot

Remember I told you about my brother in law's birthday, which was on Friday? Well, his mother (who is my mother in law and Ezra's grandma obviously) baked such an amazing cake for him and brought over, in addition with that she had also baked couple of other cakes and cookies that it made perfect sense to me not to make sufganyiot this year. Not for my husband though. All right. He's usually right and I am not because I am so lazy when it comes to kitchen and baking. I'd rather be fooling around and entertaining people in the kitchen than standing there in apron and breathing burning oil. I am terrible baker.

My husband assured me that I had to make sufganyiot because he could not imagine Chanuka without them and it should be our tradition for future when Ezra grows up and iy''H, we have other children. Of course I agreed. Wasn't I also excited and happy when my mother or aunts baked cakes and cooked specific Georgian food on New Year (which was big deal in my childhood)? So I shouldn't be so selfish and scrooge, just because we had so much leftover from Ezra's uncle's birthday, it did not mean, sufganyiot could be skipped.

So I made them.
My mother in law came over to babysit Ezra and I got down to business named kneading a dough for sufganyiot. I made it after this recipe, I've done it last year too and they come out really good. Naturally, I made my favourite changes in the recipe: replaced milk with water (had no soy milk anyway), dry yeast with fresh one and used no eggs, because in the mixing part you just won't find where to add those eggs that are mentioned in the ingredients part. I think no eggs needed indeed, sufganyiot are perfectly fine without them. Then I filled them with strawberry jam and whole family loved them.
Now I feel better.

Our sufganyiot - may not look that good, but taste a lot better. Chanuka 5773

I think I am getting used to being a wife and mother, you know. I've always had this funny character that protested against everything and never really loved traditions or anything. So now when I am married to the orthodox man for whom family values come first, I think I might be becoming his total part in that, with help of Hashem.
I don't promise I am going to love kitchen and never leave it, but I start to enjoy it when I see my dear people enjoy what I cook and bake.

Aren't our dear people's feelings most important after all?

Chanuka Sameach! More to come, still loads of candles to light and fill our souls with wonders and wonders...

Shabbat girls

We had really full house Shabbat this week. On Friday evening we had the mother and brother of my husband. We had chicken breasts with simple sauce and fried potatoes. For dessert I have baked Apple sauce whole wheat cake which is very delicious and easy to make, plus it rhymes, right? Funny thing is that cake is very healthy but I made the very unhealthy topping from kosher parve whipping cream that I mixed with strawberry jam and couple of spoonful sugar. We had nice chat and all, as usual my brother-in-law was grumpy about everything. He's like this eternal teenager disliking everything, complaining and then mocking. He's a great guy and good uncle, cares about Ezra, helps us with him whenever he can and gives presents to him, but such impossible one he is.

As for Friday night, it's always beautiful, candles lit on the table, flowers that my husband buys for me every erev Shabbat, hot food smell and the mood of something high coming to us for a day. They don't call Shabbat the Queen for nothing - it's really like that. No matter how tired we are Shabbat always lights and cheers our spirits; even my mum tells me she misses Shabbats at our home.

Old Midrasha days - Old Midrasha Me

Saturday morning gets little moody though, especially when you have little baby who doesn't let you sleep long. My husband leaves before 9 for synagogue, and then I pray Ezra would sleep little more and let me get some rest too. Today he napped for an hour, but it wasn't enough for me anyway. I was too tired for last week was exhausting and one Shabbat couldn't absorb it all. Plus Ezra's been coughing and sneezing for almost 5 days and you know it's so hard for mum. My heart breaks when he coughs or has blocked nose. It should pass soon, please Hashem.
Now back to Saturday morning again. After my husband comes from synagogue we make kiddush on wine and challas like we do every Friday night (blessings are difference naturally), and have delicious dinner. There were times we also used to nap but now it goes with Ezra's schedule.
This Shabbat was one of those, when my mother-in-law put Ezra to sleep and I couldn't slip away that chance, you know, so said quick "Shabbat Shalom" to everyone and jumped in bed to sleep a little.
Because I was expecting a guest from Berlin, namely, one girl from the midrasha (seminary where I've studied and lived for 2 years) and a boy who works at the youth centre where the Shabbat guests are usually hosted, plus he lives a block away from us and would've been a guide to our guest.
At 15:15 Ezra woke up and so did I, then I started to change him and my husband called me that our guests had already come and waited downstairs.
Well, there were more than 2 guests though. One more girl from the midrasha and other young pregnant woman of our community. I got really excited for I love receiving guests and treating them with sweets (I've mentioned we had delicious whole wheat cake, right?). It's always refreshing having young people around, isn't it. Especially knowing where they come from and watching them talk, walk and do things I used to do. It also made me realise how different I've become and how my points of view have changed since then. I mean, I've always been a rebel and no seminary could've possibly brainwashed me, but I realise now that there were times when I actually let some people or situations to influence me. It is not that bad, it helps a lot to step up and get over, go through and find your very own way, if you know what I mean.
I am sure those girls will find too. They are lovely and very positive girls. Definitely completed our Shabbat and Ezra loved one of those girls too who played with him and held him. He is everything but shy, especially when it comes to girls ;-)

One more Shabbat is over and new week has started. May all of us have nice, sunny, calm, lucky and joyful week! AMEN!!!

Doctors and power

Do you dislike doctors like I do?

Only doctor I like in Germany, is the pediatrician of Ezra, who is really nice and positive lady.
Thank G-d, I haven't visited many doctors here, but my husband and his family have. Then, in my pregnancy I had a gynecologist, Frau Dr. Schindler (remembering the history, her name sounds so humane, no?), who seemed quite fine, but she didn't really care that much about my health, I think. Either she was very relaxed naturalist or just not giving a damn about this weird religious Jewish patient covering her hair and all. Well, because of her attitude, that she hasn't checked the amniotic fluid which was actually infected, I gave birth to Ezra 3 weeks earlier, on my 37th week. Again, thanks to Hashem, Ezra was born healthy and happy baby, 10/10 apgar test, but he was born very tiny which almost caused me depression: you know, every mother would have felt that way, eating herself up, why should her baby have been born so early and so small, wouldn't she?

So I left that Frau Dr. Schindler and went to other doctor for the 6 weeks postpartum check up. This lady also seemed ok, serious and very friendly. Then she asked us which contraception we'd like to choose; she suggested 3 months injection, IUD (copper spiral) and mini-pills since I was nursing. We decided to take mini-pills, Cerazette, you might have heard.
It was one of the terrible experiences I ever had.
First, postpartum period is very hard for every woman and it was even worse for me. I couldn't forget the fact of giving birth before the due date and had nightmares, nursing awfully hurt, Ezra had colicky and wouldn't sleep, needed to be nursed and soothed almost every hour; in addition with all that, I started to bleed really badly after taking those pills.
I don't quite blame the doctor, she couldn't have known the side effects of the mini-pills, because every body responds differently, but suggesting 3 months injection was very cunning, you know, because you buy pills in the pharmacy store, but 3 months injection you need to get from her - which means, she gets paid for it.
Then I had to have injection to stop bleeding. So I quit taking mini-pills and started to require new contraceptive, which took quite a time and energy from us.
[After making a little research, I've discovered that hundreds of women had same experience with Cerazette, but doctors still keep prescribing it giving credit to this scary drug company. The company probably, in return, gives credits and loads of advantages to doctors.]

I should note that in the beginning of my pregnancy, I had private insurance which made Frau Dr. Schindler happy, but by the end of 35th week, I switched to the government insurance that doctors really hate. I think this might have been the reason of her not bothering herself to check the amniotic fluid. I could say the same about other Frau Dr. L. who is less "naturalist", but moneylover all right.
I might be sarcastic right now, but if you imagine how terrible results could be when doctor makes mistakes, you wouldn't laugh. It is scary to know that some people love money more than their profession, or worse, they have chosen this profession only because they would get more money than others.

Now I am afraid to visit gynecologists again. I try to have trust in them, and as my teacher used to say, I should remember and pray that G-d would be with the doctor when visiting for check-up. I don't doubt that if I ask, G-d will be there for me as He always has been, but I am a human too, you know, simple mortal, who is afraid of many things and probably hasn't developed that strong bitachon (meaning: unconditional trust to G-d) yet to really know - doctors don't have any power at all, but He does.

Say that again, Soph!!!

What really matters

Last year three little girls came over asking: süß oder sauer (sweet or sour), meaning trick or treat for Halloween. I had exactly three candies in the cupboard and gave them.
This year I had a big plastic bag full of candies that my husband collected on Simchat Torah and since Ezra can't eat yet, I thought I would give to those Halloween Kinder. When I said that, my husband told me what he thought about it. Halloween is not even a religious festival as far as I know, but something related to Kelts and spiritualists if I am not mistaken. So he thought, for us, as religious Jews, it might not be appropriate to give children candies on this day let alone the fact that we don't celebrate Halloween.

Later my husband went to kollel where married men study Talmud and I was home with Ezra and my mother in law. I was baking a cake by the recipe of my mother in law (who is a terrific baker actually) when someone rang the bell of our door. I sneaked out and there was a little skinny boy in black mask standing and waiting for candies. I hesitated a bit then remembered what my husband had said before and decided not to open the door at all. Little boy turned away and rang at our neighbours' next.

Well, I can't tell you that I felt too bad, but I felt little weird. Halloween is stupid, all right, I've never celebrated it because in the country where I was born nobody knew about it until 90's. I felt like we, humans, create and destroy the world in the same time; while I could make that boy happy giving him candies, I thought about religious issues what one would think of us giving candies for Halloween. Who knows, perhaps this act of kindness would have had positive influence on that little boy when grown up? Imagine, he probably will remember that people didn't open up to him and never gave him candies for Halloween, so will he do too in future.
What if because of situations like this we DO make and put ourselves in ghettos not others?

It is hard.
At least it is for me because I come from most warm and openhearted place of the world where you didn't care much about one's religion, well me and family never did. I am sure my husband's family didn't either because they also come from Soviet world; but the Ashkenazi roots and memories are remained so deep in the conscience of my husband I can tell, that he has this anxiety of not getting too close to non-Jews and their festivals. He may be right, may be not, but his opinion is very important for me and I respect it more than anything.

Once more I realized that no festival is worth of one's family and relationship happiness. If my husband feels good, I feel good and I can absolutely find another day and other kids to treat them with my full bag of candies.

Thoughts for Chol ha moed Sukkot

I've been thinking lately that this blog isn't working anymore and I probably should be thinking of making something new, write often and more openly. I am not sure though if I am able to do that. Let alone that I don't have that much time and as Ezra grows older he needs more attention from me, he needs to be entertained all the time; second thought was, English is not my mother tongue obviously and I might not be expressing myself well writing in English; and last but not the least - I am not honest. I mean, I am sometimes but mostly I think I am not. No, I am not pretending or anything, I just omit many many things that are going on in my life, things that bug me a lot and I just don't write about them.
Should I be though?
The only annoying (all right, sometimes there are more) thing about Judaism is that you can't and shouldn't criticize people but work on yourself and if somebody really gets on your nerves, you should go and tell. You should not get angry in any situation because getting angry equals worshiping idols which is THE major sin of all. Unfortunately we are all idol worshipers every now and then, especially when this very idol happens to be our own ego.

Anyway.
That day passed and I think I won't leave this blog. I'll try to write whenever and whatever I can. I really wish I could write interesting posts here. I've been reading loads of blogs, but there are so few that I really like. I think there is only one actually. This young Australian woman, Talia, who must be somewhat of my age blogging about her family and cute 8 months son.
There are some other blogs too, but they get boring. But this girl Talia keeps it so simple and natural, you don't need to try hard to like what she does. She was quite inspiring for me to continue blogging in English actually, to be what I am, what I REALLY am no matter how hard it might be.

What about Sukkot, you'd ask me. I think this year's holidays have been very very hard for our family as my father-in-law almost died from terrible heart attack just before Shabbat that proceeded Rosh Hashanah. He's been in hospital since then and most probably he won't be able to get back. This is unbearable for his wife and sons, especially my husband who is so fond of him. I might not be able to understand that feeling exactly but when I see my husband so sad and blue my heart is breaking. What do you say in times like this when you are sure it is not going to be all right? Nobody wants to hear you saying that it's G-d's will and everything is for the best. You don't tell that to people who lose their beloved and dear person, do you? Because no-one needs your stupid consolation. So all I do is being next to my husband and his family, and Ezra, baruch Hashem, is the sun that makes his grandma and everyone smile.
Sukkot is such a beautiful time of the year when all the Jews come out, build up the sukkah (hut) and live in it for 7 days to remind themselves how they left Egypt, wandered homeless, and only G-d was above saving them from hunger and thunder.
Exactly 3 years ago Sukkot holidays inspired me to start searching for my roots, for my nation and my G-d that is actually not only mine but the whole wide world's if only they knew it. Many things happened in my life since then, I went through many things as name and homeplace changing... and now here I am, far from that Sukkah I went 3 years ago in Tbilisi, Georgia, my hometown; now I am in cold Europe trying to keep the sun on my windows as long as it is possible, totally changed as mentally so physically (well, you have to change when you give birth and nurse, and don't limit the food at all) and growing older (hopefully wiser too) day by day.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because it's Sukkot, the festival of joy, time to receive guests in your hut and recognize the might of Hashem: nothing in this world is yours, even if you own all the world luxurious villas and mansions, when it comes, it comes and you are out to wander again, homeless...
Jewish holidays are just wonderful, always reminding us where we were so we don't forget where we could also end up.
The Chol ha moed started today, couple more days and Shabbat again, then on Sunday night we will welcome Simchat Torah which is one of my favourite festivals. I'll keep you updated, bli neder.

(You see I am a master of hopping from one subject to other like Holden Caulfield. What scares me is that Holden was just 16 and I am 27.)

Yiddishe mama

I'm cooking Zimes/Tzimes, SO yiddishe, you know it. My husband is very very yiddishe man indeed. He was brought up in a family where his grandmum, father and uncle used to talk in little yiddish. And now that memory is so deep in his conscience that anything Yiddish means sweet and dear for him.
That's how I came to cook to him Zimmes for Shabbat. He mentioned couple of times there was this "Meren zimmes" (meaning german Möhre (carrot)) that his grandmother used to cook and he would love to taste it again. I found a recipe which goes this simple:

1 kg carrot
1/2 c sugar and 2tbs honey
50 gr raisins
100 gr butter or light margarine

Chop (I actually had carrots grated) carrots and simply stir all the ingredients in the pot at once. Cook it for 40-50 minutes on a low temperature. Oh, and before adding raisins, they need to be soaked in a hot boiled water for 15 minutes, then mix with other products in the pot.

Some people add nuts or other dry fruits to this dish, like apricot. Some even make zimmes out of sweet potatoes. Choice is yours as long as you enjoy making it and having your family happily fed on Shabbat. This is the main goal of every yiddishe mama which I think I might be becoming. But I promise I'll try not to spoil Ezra as every Jewish mum does - cooking and baking so perfectly that daughter-in-law has to work hard (really hard, I can attest to that) to impress her husband. I am a cool mum and should be even cooler mum-in-law, BS''D!

Shabbat Shalom, should say A GIT SHABBES!!!

(Just a week and little more before Rosh Hashanah! Man, so much to learn, work on and last, but NOT least, to cook loads for yom tov.)

27 mirrors

I looked in the mirror this evening and noticed wrinkles on my forehead. It felt so old, I cannot even describe. I felt like I've lived thousands of years and still more coming while I am already old and wrinkly lady. It's funny actually. I am not that old, am I?
27 is the age of beautiful death, but no worries I do neither drugs nor rock'n roll. I used to wish I did, but now I think that is ridiculous. Everything is stupid but family. Nothing is worth in this life but loving and let be loved, have babies and spread more love.
Do I sound like John Lennon? Stop war make love-ish or something, I know.

I did not mean to post tonight at all. This blog has become just dwelling place for me where I could come and hide into its caves, you know what I mean. Few people ever read it so I feel like looking in the mirror and this time not feeling old, but strong and beautiful. All right, I still have some weight to lose after childbirth, have to buy some good creams to perish the wrinkles maybe, smile when Ezra fusses and let him know that I am his mum forever, and he can count on me anytime.

I responded the e-mails I had received over a month ago and realized that put my soul into them. Sometimes I wish I received the letters/e-mails as soulful as my own. I used to receive ones from one special girl from Osnabruck and then she quit because I could never find time to answer properly and now feel very bad about that. Isn't it sad that we usually forget/ignore/hurt people who deserve much more than others?

I wish I was a good, altruistic kind of person. Or maybe I don't wish it honestly and all I really care about is to look in the mirror and feel good about myself and only. Don't we all want that actually? Feel good about ourselves? That's when we're happy expressing what we are or what we want to be.
I guess I need vacations. I need more time with my husband. I need the sea, and the starry night that makes you forget everything including mirrors and 27 wrinkles on one's forehead.

Last mirror and I am gone.

Becoming oneself

Yes, pregnancy is hard, but being mum is harder. Forget the sleepless nights and early morning wake ups, forget the sore nipples in the beginning that make you scream and mad at the baby, never mind changing diapers with funny consistency in them; it is also you that changes when you become mum. Your life is never going to be the same. You will never be the same (thank G-d, don't wanna be either). The self of yours will change.

 

Every girl dreams about marriage, rather they dream about beautiful shiny wedding, princess gown, lovely guy that looks his best that day, people who came to watch and cherish the couple... all that cliche, you know.
Last year I was the main character of that cliche thing actually.
Got married in June 2011.
It was beautiful, I admit. There were my dear friends and people who I love, respect and wished to be there. It was a tiny dreamy day. Really.
It was about time, yes, I was no toddler definitely; at my 26 I had realized I was ready to tie the knot (boy, sounds this funny!) with this good man making me melt down like Amelie. So I did.
Even in my wildest dreams I would not be having traditional (orthodox actually) Jewish wedding with loads of charedi rabbis. I used to think I was a wild flower - to be sunny, funny and witty all the way.
Now I don't think marriage did any harm to my wild flowery character. It might have even improved me in a way one does when gets married and changes its life. I told to one of my closest friends that marriage is a huge challenge and being mum - battlefield :D it is, isn't it? True values have price to pay - change yourself, fight the demons that might be your inner friends and calm yourself down when baby cries so hard you have no idea how to soothe him.

Thus, it's been a year since then and we had a baby boy in April 2012, little prePesach wonder of ours. Ezra's his name and he's got my blue greyish eyes. He smiles as seldom as his dad, very much ashkenazi indeed.

This year has been quite a year. We've had some ups and downs as everyone does. We had hard times and we overcame them; this year made my post-feminist spirit realize that I belong to someone and actually like it;
I do cook, clean, do all the housewife thing, sometimes get mad (that's all media putting pressure) that women are never appreciated as they deserve; I am becoming one of those Jewish mums always having a cake or two in the fridge.

I can't really tell you where I stand now. I do not have much time for thinking, I have to do all as fast as I can, get some sleep, be a loving wife, take care of the baby, and only then I look in the mirror and see the familiar face of that post-feminist wild flower having found her true self. Oneself.

Since then

I decided to open up all curtains after pocketful of rain and get down to blogging. Literally. There was quite a rain today in Leipzig.
It's been more than a month I've blogged and since then our life has changed for good.
Last post was published on 2nd of April and two days later, after all that water breaking story you have seen in movies, I gave birth to a tiny baby boy at Leipzig's Uniklinikum.
So that makes me a brand new mum.
Labour is tough. Even though my delivery was so quick you wouldn't believe; it still was painful and took me several weeks to get over it. I used to have nightmares and emotional outbursts such as crying about everything and feeling very tender. Some call it babyblues, some may call it postpartum thing and I call it - Sophieish nerves.

Chronologically:
on Wednesday morning (04.04.12) when my husband and I were to go shopping after breakfast and get a buggy, I woke up with terribly swollen feet and water flowing underneath. Not usual water as we all know from the movies, but different and much less than that.
I was due 20 days later and never in my mind did I expect baby to come so early, especially two days before Pesach. Not suitable time at all while we were not done with the festival cleaning. I did not want it to happen like that, I wanted to control my body, but ironically nobody can do that even me (man, this self-confidence is killing me!).
Even at the hospital when midwife was smiling and calming me down I did not believe I would give birth so early. Even then when baby stuck out his head and I thought this would never end I still thought it was too early and I would push him back if I could. Insane. I know.
Well, baby did not think so. He definitely had his reasons to break away and spend Pesach with his parents. It was difficult, but with G-d's help we managed it. My husband did his best shlepping all the yom tov food to the hospital (for food all the credit to Emma Chandalov and Tora Zentrum von Leipzig), we had our fresh family seders there and I would say it was the best time I have ever had.

Leipzig's Uniklinikum is very recommended to everyone who thinks can handle many people and keep nice to the medical students who come in and out checking baby's and your blood pressure, smiling and being very nice all the time, almost every hour. Everyone was so friendly and smily there, you would forget you're in Germany. It did not feel very hospitalish, let me tell you, rather homely.

Now it's been almost 6 weeks we've been home and break away baby's name is Ezra, giving tribute to Avraham Ybn Ezra's father and to Ezra haSofer that's been so inspiring all the way.
What else can I say?
Being mum is so personal. Everything is very private, sometimes hard, but still very sweet.

סרוגים - the show that revealed me secrets

You may laugh at me, but before I've seen this show "Srugim", I considered myself something of a kind that they call "modern orthodox". Well, I was wrong. I have always been very bad at labeling people and even worse when it came to us. It actually appeared that being modern orthodox does not mean wearing tichel instead of sheitel or not wearing black clothes and not covering your chestline up to "neckbones". I did not know that there are people in Israel considering themselves as modern orthodox, keeping Shabbat (in a way they think it's correct), women partially covering their head and sometimes even breaking shomer negiah rule which would be women and men shaking hands and so on.

Well, Mrs Sophie Kaufman, sorry but you are no modern orthodox, never were and never will be most probably.
Neither because my husband wears black kippah and would never consider to switch it to crocheted one nor me that believes shomer negiah is one of the very important principles in Jewish tradition, NO, because I believe you either keep all the commandments and live according completely to Torah or it is just playing some game like they do in the show.


Show is all right though, at least some people may become interested exploring their religion and tradition more, concentrate on their spirituality and environment.
I absolutely like the friendship between these young people, they support each other, spend Shabbat together but when it comes to family life they don't show any interest and you don't even see their families (except some crazy brother showing up and revealing he actually doesn't believe in G-d, just fooling around).

I read some interesting article about this show saying that it encourages single couples who do not get married so soon as some others to search for other options, live modern life while still keeping commandments and remaining traditional, that helps them not to feel outcast because very often society puts huge pressure on them. There is definitely some truth in it, and we all know in most religious circles it is very hard to stay single (and happy) for a long time, that would label you as a "picky", weirdo or someone too smart (that was my favourite "label" when I was single).
Since I have single friends who are already at their late twenties and some even at their early thirties, can't agree more and I wish I could support them more for life and some people treat them little harshly. This show does support them though.

"Srugim" is a show for the age 25+ audience not for teenagers. I doubt teenagers would even really watch it, but still there is always some kind of attraction to see popular shows and create role models. You find no role model in this show though, at least I could not find one.
There is this main character Yifati, newly married, emotional and loud young woman who gets pregnant and is bossing over her really sweet husband. There is also a former frum teacher Hodeya still teaching in a religious school but having secret tattoo on her back; then there's this funny and lovely green-eyed rich girl Reut, who tries to figure our her feminism and spiritual level making kiddush on Friday evening while men listen.
Men are also present in this show, but not so interesting as women, if you ask me. They try their best but women upstage them as usually. I heard critics about characters' outfit and looks being very ordinary, but I believe that's exactly what made this show so popular: actors are very natural, dressed casually and for us who know how religious people dress have no complaint. It is mostly about attitude and not the outfit we all know it even though dress code is as important in Judaism as any other commandment to keep. They do it quite good.

Anyways, modern orthodox or charedi, whatever one might be, I think G-d brings us all together and makes us love each other for Pesach is coming up, we're free to be and first of all - one should free its mind, soul and accept its people, nourish everyone in need and show affection no matter of the dress length or the kippah colour.

Pesach veKosher Sameach!!!

Love,

Sophie-who-has-just-realized-herself-unlabeled-and-is-very-happy-about-it :)

Pink Banana

What do you do if you have loads of bananas spoiling in your kitchen and all you think of is to make a banana cake. Well, it would not work if your family does not approve banana cakes as a matter of fact.

I am not fond of cakes, I'd rather have some juicy fruit or just a juice. Banana cake is not popular at our household either because my husband loves only traditional cakes with loads of cream or Georgian sweets such as Gozinaki (YES!). So, waking up in the morning and seeing poor, once yellow bananas going black melts your heart and you decide to find a recipe how to make Banana Mousse.

Here.
I did not use liqueur though because we have none. Instead I poured apple juice and lemon acid; added some cherries, which painted the banana in pink. Now my mousse is resting in the fridge waiting for the time to come and be eaten at the dinner.

Oh and the dinner is going to be meaty so banana mousse is just perfect for a dessert, isn't it?
Thus, when life hands you bananas - make a mousse out!

Happy Wednesday!!!

Letter club

Today I imagined that I was some old times English lady writing a letter to her friend in another town. I found the pen that I have not used for a long time, got papers from my old note-book, took an envelope from my husband's drawer and got down to writing.
Whenever you do something you need to feel comfortable. Even writing a letter should be cozy and make you feel good; so I sat in my kitchen which has a nice view to the green backyard wearing a green Zara cardigan and green ear-rings I have bought two years ago in Berlin.
And the pen started to slip on the paper like it did not belong to me at all.
That is what usually happens to me - when I start to write ideas, thoughts come so randomly all I have to do is to follow the pen and make it write slower for nobody would have been able to read what I had written.

People don't write letters to friends nowadays. They write e-mails I know. I e-mail everyone all the time too but you can never compare an e-mail to a real letter written by not computer or some typewriting machine but a living human hand.
My husband has beautiful hand writing in fact. Mine is awful. I write fast and never mind the size of the letters. I make notes to him when I leave, or when I want to make his day... then he comes to me asking what have I actually written.
Nonetheless I write and write because that's what I feel quite good at.

I had some weird professor in my freshman year at University who taught Linguistics and she used to repeat the following: "Verba volant, scripta manent" meaning 'Words fly while letters remain'. Even though I used to think she was scary and giving students hard time now I absolutely agree (should I feel little nervous what if I am getting weird too?).
So if the letters remain imagine how eternal our writings could be? You may write some funny story or a witty line which will make someone's day in a ten year's time or next century. Why talk about someone in a century but yourself, you may find your old diary that you kept when you were a teenager, find some lines you had scribbled there and here you go - happy, inspired and feeling loved.

That's my letter club all about, I decided this morning in my very kitchen writing a letter to a friend. I will write letters and mail them around to people I think of. Some people design clothes, some run the companies, some direct movies, some break hearts, some never smile and look gloomy, and I will be the head of my own letter club in my kitchen distributing moment of "scripta" happiness.
Don't let the word "moment" puzzle you, nothing lasts forever anyway and one precious moment is more important than the simple mundane decade.

Yours truly,

Sophie