Waiting For Winter

I hate Autumn.

Can't wait for Winter, really.

This cunning mild weather kills me. I love when it's Summer and hot, or Winter and freezing. I hate in-between stuff, you know.

Snow, come soon, love!!!

This Easy Tuesday When I Went And Wore an almost Hijab

I usually don't like posting photos, but this one is going to be an exception. I felt so good today in this clothes, especially the scarf (bough at "Strauss" last Summer). I wore it a little "almost liberal hijab style" and definitely got many looks, some suspicious, some - complimenting, some - hateful and some - indifferent.
I have very long hands, I know (although I am only 165 cm, my limbs are really long and most people have optical illusion of me being quite tall, which is very nice to hear). And my hand palms have become quite rough and large as well since I've got family and do all the household stuff.
When I was young, I probably would've looked down on someone who had rough hands, or wrinkles, or grey hair. Not that I was ageist or something, no I was a very normal young person, who thought she'd be as young and carefree forever as she was then. Now looking at this photo of mine, I realise how I have changed, how my opinions have been transformed into something else, and baruch Hashem, I have become more tolerant, more understanding and more respectful to those, who work hard, especially for their family.

So here's to those strong women, who make the world/family go round. The real eshet chayils, who work day and night, who defeat their egos and put their husbands, children, parents, in-laws first.
I am still working, trying hard not to be selfish, not to get upset when I don't get what I want, because that only makes me stronger (but no-one realises that at the first place, does it?).

Western culture and today's world are so focused on oneself, shoving their ideas on us: be yourself, do what you want, you deserve the best, you are the best, be who you are, do what you want...
Scary. Do you understand how dangerous those slogans are? What does "be yourself" and "do what you want" mean? Then they bomb us with advertisements, man made images, false ideas and ideals, wrong role models, and still "wish we were ourselves".
No, I don't want that!

I want to be better tomorrow than I am today, which will be different myself and this means, I can't be myself all the time, only fools can be.

I won't do what I want either, because I may want to eat all that 500 grams of Ben & Jerry's ice cream with caramel filled chocolate chips (pure temptation), which I could do in a blink of an eye without even sharing with anyone, but I will not. It's not okay. Let alone it's not okay to eat so much sugar, it's all about managing your desires, your weaknesses and directing it in a way that would be proper. Children, plus sharing is caring, really.

I hope and wish I get more will power and strength to fight my weaknesses, get over my fears and let myself be the better self as possible. Amen!

Eternal War

I've been having hate-hate-hate thing about blogging and internet in general lately. I know it is all about me, but I feel like I don't want to open up and write, while there are so many unsaid issues that really bother and eat me from the inside.

Summer of 2014 has been quite tough. First, we had terrible weather, no sun almost all summer long, temperature never went above 25°C, and I felt like I was sitting in a sort of a bell jar. Not literally, but in a way.

Second, people continue disappointing me and I, once again, take it very close to my heart, which I should not, because I am almost 30, mum of two and all that, that qualify (should?) me as a responsible and intelligent adult. I know this is the longest sentence that is advised not for a blog, but do I seem to care about such details? Exactly.

Third, Israel has been in war. Imagine, or just check Israel on a map and then think of the media blast that was going on through whole summer. It was like some BIG country was terrorising another big one, ok, smaller one. Gaza, people, Gaza, is like a little tumour in Israel's brain and still, it took so many lives and so much weapon to demilitarise that small region, wipe out some terrorists (not sure about that) and lose soldiers, who left young widows and small children, who need their dads so badly.

So, that is why I hated internet last Summer, and probably hated people too. It is us, people, doing wrong, killing, abusing, hurting each other, because we have lost our morality, we have lost our humane spirit and the so-called image of G-d is something that is doubtable, really.
All right, not really of course, how could I deny anything that Torah says, but in reality, at least last Summer proved otherwise.

I wish I could write here that I hope everything will get better and there will be peace, we shall all live in a friendly and warm environment, but sorry, I cannot say that because it is impossible. We probably never will.
If you look through world history, there have been nothing but wars and wars, blood shedding, pogroms, revolutions, more blood shedding, more wars, more tears, more pogroms...

Life is so temporary, like us humans, only war is eternal - be it either internal or external :-(

Coming back

I try to come back. I really do.

Have a nice August! :-)

Scary Schimmel

I am almost sure many of you have seen those American movies about girls moving to Europe or exchanging apartments with, let's say, British people and etc. And behold, disaster - rusty sewerage system, molded walls, squeaky doors - come over as soon as they move in.

This is old lousy Europe.

If finding a flat in the west Germany is almost impossible, over here, in the east, there are plenty of apartments one can rent (after millions of people left for the west in 90's). Comparing to the western prices, the eastern ones are quite reasonable. Did I say reasonable? Nothing is reasonable in life if you really ask me. It's all about us searching for reasons, but never finding them and making up our own.

Anyway, the story is about our apartment. We've been living here since June of 2011. I liked this place at the first sight just because there were 7 memorial stones of 7 people deported to different concentration camps on the doorstep. It meant so much to me and my husband to rent a flat in a house where 7 Jewish people lived, loved, suffered, and then were thrown out from their own homes like they were nothing. 6 of them were executed in Auschwitz and 7th one, Salomon Weininger, if I remember his name correctly, actually fled from the camp back to Leipzig and was hiding for couple of months before he got caught again and was sent to Latvia, where he joined other 6.000 000 Jews in heaven.
So imagine how symbolic it was for us, orthodox Jews, living in this place and keeping the Torah commandments everyday - so uplifting for those perished souls.

Now realistically, the flat was quite cheap, near the synagogue and our community centre, which is important for us to be able to walk there on Shabbat. It was sunny with high ceilings and very comfortable kitchen. So we rented it and moved in after the wedding. Summer was great, Autumn was also lovely, but Winter - that's when the walls in the kitchen and bathroom started to mold. Scary. But we fixed them and lived on. Then we had Ezra in April. Sooner came Summer and we still lived sunny life, so was our second Autumn too.
Ooh, Winter again.
All this mold began to come out since December 2012 and we just can't stop it. We painted the wall, spreyed the liquid to exterminate it, but it would appear in a month's or less time. So unpleasant and not good for health.

When I started cleaning for Pesach the other day, I discovered that in every room behind the heating batteries walls are molded, some less, some more. Then we called the "Hausmeister" who would be the guy in charge about technical things of our house. Now he has to come with some guy who could fix and take off the mold if it's possible. I hope they will not tell us it needs to be seriously repaired and all. It's just before Pesach time and I am beginning to get very nervous, I definitely don't want people coming over and do capital repairs.

Wish us luck in finding new flat - CLEAN and in a good condition not like this old moldy one. Because even the 7 memorial stones and all the romantic stories I imagine can't make us live here anymore.

Little Boy's Tzitzis

My little friend who goes to school in Germany told me that his tzitzis accidentally pulled out and children started to laugh at him. They mocked, if it was his tail.

I have never felt sadder in my life when I heard this.

Nothing happens accidentally. Nobody laughs accidentally. I am not the one who believes in signs, but I do believe in causality if that's a proper word. I believe there are causes and effects, there are situations, places, spaces and faces we have to overcome in our lives.

It's "something" saying that we don't belong here. I know I've been claiming for all my life that anyone can live anywhere and nobody has right to set borders. Everyone should live and go wherever one feels going. Everyone should be happy.
Obviously not.

We can never be happy living in a strange land, speaking foreign language and be weirdos - wearing tzitzis or long sleeves in summer not conforming like others do. We will always be the ones crossing the river and shaming others.

When I told my husband that story, he said, one is never happy away from home and we've been away forever.
Will we ever be back? :/

This song melts my soul.

27 mirrors

I looked in the mirror this evening and noticed wrinkles on my forehead. It felt so old, I cannot even describe. I felt like I've lived thousands of years and still more coming while I am already old and wrinkly lady. It's funny actually. I am not that old, am I?
27 is the age of beautiful death, but no worries I do neither drugs nor rock'n roll. I used to wish I did, but now I think that is ridiculous. Everything is stupid but family. Nothing is worth in this life but loving and let be loved, have babies and spread more love.
Do I sound like John Lennon? Stop war make love-ish or something, I know.

I did not mean to post tonight at all. This blog has become just dwelling place for me where I could come and hide into its caves, you know what I mean. Few people ever read it so I feel like looking in the mirror and this time not feeling old, but strong and beautiful. All right, I still have some weight to lose after childbirth, have to buy some good creams to perish the wrinkles maybe, smile when Ezra fusses and let him know that I am his mum forever, and he can count on me anytime.

I responded the e-mails I had received over a month ago and realized that put my soul into them. Sometimes I wish I received the letters/e-mails as soulful as my own. I used to receive ones from one special girl from Osnabruck and then she quit because I could never find time to answer properly and now feel very bad about that. Isn't it sad that we usually forget/ignore/hurt people who deserve much more than others?

I wish I was a good, altruistic kind of person. Or maybe I don't wish it honestly and all I really care about is to look in the mirror and feel good about myself and only. Don't we all want that actually? Feel good about ourselves? That's when we're happy expressing what we are or what we want to be.
I guess I need vacations. I need more time with my husband. I need the sea, and the starry night that makes you forget everything including mirrors and 27 wrinkles on one's forehead.

Last mirror and I am gone.

I know what I did last summer

I do not care who you are as long as I know who I am.
Throwing bull$%&(

I still:

• drink hot milk in the morning
• love Holden Caulfield
• believe that I am beautiful
• wish I could fly
• know what I did last summer :)
• have fun with my life

What do you still do???

MaBaT GIRLS

After Shabbat at Naomi's (December '08)

Georgia supporting Israel - georgian friends of MaBaT (January '09)

Lesson before Pessach (passover) 2009

Lag B'omer 2009

Mtatsminda park (September '09)

Sagarejo, Kakheti (August '09)

Dina in Kazbegi (August '09)

Ananuri (August '09)

Narikala (July '09)

Making khinkali at Naomi's (December '08)

Picnic in Betania (August '09)

How can I not write about my dear girls of MaBaT.

MaBaT is a kind of institution for jewish girls who are interested in jewish traditions; who wants to get closer to judaism, to learn and let others learn from her. MaBaT was founded by Dina Eligulashvili and Naomi Orjonikidze. Afterwards they gathered all the girls and voila: now we are more than 10 girls, Thank G-d.

We arrange meetings, we make shabbatons. Naomi is the spirit of us all - as we don't have any appartment for our organisation, she invites all of us at her house, where we can cook kosher meal for Shabbat. On Shabbat we sing songs, read books about traditions, Torah, play some intellectual games, walk and talk about our future another halves, as every girl does.

Also we wouldn't have done without rabbi Avimelech and Julia Rosenblatt, who help us arrange shabbatons. They give us accomodation, meal and amazing company.

We spent amazing summer 2009.
With our friend Misha, who was driving us with his car, we had wonderful trips in Georgia. We have been to Kakheti (Signagi, Tsinandali, Ikalto), Kazbegi, Betania. All the photos and videos you can see here.

Last, but absolutely not least - we had these Girls' Sunday Outs all summer long - which meant that every Sunday MaBaT girls would go out to Tbilisi. We have visited Narikala, Botanic garden, Kus tba and so on. As we have no regular sponsors, we have paid for those Sunday Outs by ourselves. We hope there will be some good people to help us girls to learn more.