When You Don't Need Any Title Here

This blog used to have a subtitle: Girl With Post Soviet Trauma if you remember.

I am still that girl (rather big strong woman like on this picture).

I am tired.
I mean, really tired emotionally. I want to hug my babies and sleep, sleep, sleep until the world is a better place.
So childish, I know, it even makes me little sick, but I am being very honest.

I miss my friends, I miss my country and the feeling of a motherland.
Not Home though. My Home is where my family is, but the land, I was born, grew up, lived, loved, learned is so very far from me, not only in distance, but mentally too.
I have less and less common with my Georgia, with my friends and relatives there. All I have left is the love for the old memories, I guess. My mum says, it's fine and once you have your own family, you cannot keep up with your old life.

I cannot indeed.

Does it make me sad? Not really.

I am just tired.
And I wish I had a homeland - calm, stable and welcoming back its people.

I am not one of its people anymore, and probably never was either.

You'd tell me, hey, there's your Eretz Yisroel (intentionally writing in an Ashkenazic manner), don't you adore it?
I DO!!! That's where my soul belongs to, that's where my heart and roots are, but it's hard, when I've never lived there, I don't speak Yivrit as fluently as Georgian obviously, and my childhood was spent not there.

Yes, childhood - that must be it.

20 - 30 - - 40

Right!

I turned 30 last week. 30, people, is not a joke.
Although I remember like yesterday when I turned 20 and threw a pajama party, invited my girlfriends and had this deep, spiritual couch talk about different things: what we wanted to be, how we wanted to leave a trail in this world and where we wanted to go to fulfill our calling. We were so young, fresh and full of idealism.
I hoped and almost believed I would be that kind of journalist, who saves the world; my childhood friend thought she would get married soon and have bunch of kids, the other one wanted to travel the world, fourth one of our gang just hoped she would finish her studies and find a good job to rent a flat and move out from her parents'.

So, where are we now?

You know about me, being big fat Mama Sophie - wife of the most Yiddishe man in the world, mum of two naughty boys with Biblical names, and daughter of the most liberal and intelligent lady in the world. I am basically stay-at-home mama, cooking, baking, yelling, often singing and dancing with my children; also naturally bossing around like every mum, who has to do so or things will not be as she wants them to be.

As for my childhood friend, who wanted to get married right away, she hasn't got married yet (no kids either), but she works very hard and is happy about it. The "traveler" one is happily married with one baby girl and second child on its way soon, she hasn't traveled anywhere since then ;-) and the fourth one, indeed found a good job and all, but she hasn't left her parents' yet because her dad got sick, soon passed away and she decided to stay home and comfort her mum.

These are our stories. Very realistic, down to earthly, nobody saving a planet, nobody conquering the Everest, but - living the life as it came down to us, you know?
Most of the times that's how it is, isn't it?
We never know how we "end up", because at 20 none of us can be aware of what is really GOOD for us. In GOOD, I mean, what is right and logical. Priorities change so easily.
And I am a big believer of GOOD things, you know that ;-) I believe everything has its reasons and seasons, if I could put it this way. My people and I don't believe in coincidences. Hashem's will is in EVERYTHING.
Even Jesus Christ knew that, who rebelled against us (oh, happy birthday, by the way :-) Jesus and I are both stubborn Capricorns, aren't we?) and yet all he said is a mere paraphrasing of Jewish Prophets (see Isaiah and Jeremiah) and the Talmud.

Anyway.
I like that I am this old.
30 seemed so old, when I was 20. I thought it was the end of fun, and actually it is :lol: not for everyone, but for the "real slim shady mum" like me, because I don't care much about anything else, but my family nowadays; surely I do about parents, relatives, friends and then comes the world. 20 year old Sophie wouldn't believe in that, but 30 year old one strongly does.

I like that I can look back and see that so many things have happened in my life. There's much more good coming, I know, but the past was ok too, thank G-d. It was hard, but it helped me to appreciate the life afterwards.
I grew up in dark 90's of Post Soviet Georgia and did my homework like Jane Austen in the light of diesel lamp, because electricity was a luxury then and we had it scheduled, couple of hours in the morning and 3-4 hours in the evening. I know, it sounds bizarre now (probably not for most 3rd world countries), but that's how it was. I studied hard, because only that could help me in life. And probably that was/is something that I've been good at, rather G-d made me that way.
School, University... and then came traveling...
Then the Spiritual Quest...

Then Him.

Him again.

:-)

Chuppah.
Love.
Children.
Crazy busy Mama life still in progress.

I think I am fine with all.
So, yeah, it actually does take 30 years to have things figured out and realised who you are, what you want and where you need to be.
Now I can't wait till I am 40 :-D

All the credit and thanks go to the great Creator of the World. Baruch Ata Hashem!!!

Have a nice week!!!

Ramblings Of A Mum At Her Last 29+

This evening, when I was putting my son to bed (and it took me more than half an hour, because of his resistance like every other toddler hating to sleep and endlessly asking for water, for toilet and etc), and suddenly started thinking about my childhood friends, relatives, places that I have been and loved. Then I really felt that I miss all that so much.
That authenticity. Authenticity of youth years, of friendship, of relationships that form your character and future too.
I started to miss visiting my friends, whose families I was close with and I would always stay with them for dinner.
I can't remember single friend of mine, whom I have visited and left without dinner.
That is all about my tiny lovely country Georgia. Yes, the incredible Georgian hospitality is not a myth. It is true from the beginning to the end. People will open up for you, they will feed you, will give you to drink, they will sacrifice their last piece of bread, but will never upset a guest.

This tradition is given from G-d to my people (I am so lucky having TWO nations). The first and the most hospitable man was Abraham, who would sit out of his tent and wait for anyone to appear, so he could feed the traveler, let him rest and talk to him about One Creator.

That is Georgia.
Hospitality, being friendly, open, HUMANE.

I have never seen anything like that in other countries. And believe me, I have visited not few.
Staying for dinner?

Once I was invited to a friend's house in Europe, who threw a big party. I came with my other friend, because I couldn't leave her alone, plus I thought it wouldn't make much difference, since the friend who was throwing a party, was a really rich one. Well, it did :-( she told me right away that she didn't expect me to bring a friend too and I should've told her before.
I was so disappointed, I could cry.

Because I come from Georgia and bringing your uninvited friend to a party is not a problem at all. Hosts will welcome everyone same. The poorer man is, the kinder heart he has.

So why am I writing this anyway?
I just wish I had friends here too that I could visit spontaneously, just dropping by for some tea and staying for dinner, then coming over and making pajama party just like that. I miss that.
I realise, times change, like we all do and you can't always be carefree and wild.
I am almost 30 and so are most of my childhood friends obviously. We try to catch up online, but it doesn't really work. We still lose the closeness, we lose the important moments even though we share them via social media.

I think I wish I were as hospitable as Abraham. I wish I were as kind as Rebeccah who gave Eliezer and his camels to drink, I wish I were as selfless as Rachel Imeinu, who didn't think twice to save her sister's dignity and gave up her love for it... I wish I were as humble as Moses, as peaceful as Aaron... and I could go on without ending, because all our forefathers- and mothers were special.
So when hard times come up and I feel like I cannot take anymore, because some things are just too hard for my post feminist and socialist self, then I remember all those people, their good deeds, their efforts so we could still live and remember who is ABOVE us, it gets easier. Not very much, but little easier than before.

I am this 29,5 year old mama who never got away from her Salinger-y self. Don't think I ever will ;-)

Thank you note

I am so excited, I can't handle myself :)))

Now. Catch back your breath, Soph!

I started a new little project on my Georgian blog called "ladies' room" - all right, it has nothing to do with bathrooms, but if you really think about it, it might. It is very widespread thing that women love going to bathroom together, you know, to refresh their make up, to smoke (if it's allowed), to cry their heart out about ***holes, they've been in love with forever and they don't even notice; to snub others's outfit or hair, just sit there and tear the toilet paper listening to their friends' complain and etc.

Thus, this project was opened yesterday and now it's getting better and better. Lady bloggers will write about their experiences, hobbies or about their love affairs, family issues and anything they wish.

How it went: I've been blogging there since 2008. I read many English-speaking women blogs, which are great, inspiring and so empowering too. There are sort of women blogger communities who support each other, blog about similar issues, promote each other and just leave their nice comments to cheer one another -- which I find so noble and necessary (we always need some positive or critical feed back). So I thought Georgian women bloggers should also unite and make projects like this -- blog more, comment more and have fun too obviously.
Then I also realised that Georgian blogging needed some renewal, some re-branding, let me put this way, some lighting up, and I should've been the one to bring those lovely ladies together and ask them to make a post or two for my project.
I didn't expect I would get such positive responds back and SUCH personal posts, letters confiding and trusting in me, for which I am above than just thankful.
THANK YOU!!!

No need to say that Georgia is one of the warmest, loveliest and dearest country in the world, where people might be crazy sometimes, but most of the times they are openhearted, kind and always ready to help you.
So, visit beautiful Georgia of mine, enjoy the miraculous nature and read more of me.

Have a lovely week everyone!

Cities

An acquaintance of mine said to me the other day, that whenever she starts thinking about intellectual matters and sort of tries to train her brain, her head aches like crazy.
She made me feel better about myself for that's what I've been feeling last 13 months.
Sometimes I can't recognise myself, I get emotional very easily, my speech gets nervous and writing - worse. There are times when I re-read my posts (mostly in Georgian, because you shouldn't ask much from me in English) and they are so illogical. Not that I've ever minded logic, but still, I used to write well (at least to some taste).

Then one rabbi who is also our family friend, gave a class couple of months ago and told us, that somewhere in Talmud it states that woman continues to have her "pregnancy mind" for two years, especially if she's nursing.
When I was in the midrasha I used to say that Talmud isn't studied by women only because it's all about what men think and say, and we (wise girls) know that men never understand women, they are from different planet, so women will not bear studying a book which is only based on men's wisdom.
So now I really take back my words, Talmud is right. Pregnancy mind (rather lack of it) definitely continues for more than a year - I am living proof for that.

After couple of months we had Ezra, my brother-in-law came over for Shabbat and before dessert we decided to play some game. Since you can't write or use various muktzeh things on Shabbat, we started to play this very Soviet game called: "Cities". It goes like this, 4-5 people are in game; one of them picks any letter from Alphabet and says a name of a city (e.g. Leipzig), and second one says the name of other city beginning with the last letter of the city mentioned before (Leipzig - Glasgow), so it continues like that (next one will be Glasgow - Weimar). Time is also very limited there, VERY MUCH indeed, you should say the city names in one-two seconds, quicker you are, the better.
Now I'm trying to remember the suitable expression to my failure in that game.
I couldn't recall the cities of Georgia, let alone the worldwide. My mind was blank. All right I could've named some of them after thinking for couple of minutes, but not in seconds definitely.
So I got very upset, left the room and cried my heart out. My husband tried to calm me down reminding me what our midwife had said abour postpartum time + nursing = mini-dementia.
I was upset and embarrassed anyway, because I used to be quite good at that game and knew loads of cities.

My husband asks me every now and then if I'd like to try, but I am scared and always say, not yet.
You know what though? Having written this, I realise that I probably will play this Shabbat. It's time to overcome the embarrassment, it's my family after all and no-one will laugh at me if I fail again.
I can't let the pregnancy mind become me, if you know what I mean. Plus, I am not pregnant anymore and it's been more than a year since, I shall give it a try.

What a great mind-[en]lightening thing is blogging, isn't it?

This year's sufganyiot

Remember I told you about my brother in law's birthday, which was on Friday? Well, his mother (who is my mother in law and Ezra's grandma obviously) baked such an amazing cake for him and brought over, in addition with that she had also baked couple of other cakes and cookies that it made perfect sense to me not to make sufganyiot this year. Not for my husband though. All right. He's usually right and I am not because I am so lazy when it comes to kitchen and baking. I'd rather be fooling around and entertaining people in the kitchen than standing there in apron and breathing burning oil. I am terrible baker.

My husband assured me that I had to make sufganyiot because he could not imagine Chanuka without them and it should be our tradition for future when Ezra grows up and iy''H, we have other children. Of course I agreed. Wasn't I also excited and happy when my mother or aunts baked cakes and cooked specific Georgian food on New Year (which was big deal in my childhood)? So I shouldn't be so selfish and scrooge, just because we had so much leftover from Ezra's uncle's birthday, it did not mean, sufganyiot could be skipped.

So I made them.
My mother in law came over to babysit Ezra and I got down to business named kneading a dough for sufganyiot. I made it after this recipe, I've done it last year too and they come out really good. Naturally, I made my favourite changes in the recipe: replaced milk with water (had no soy milk anyway), dry yeast with fresh one and used no eggs, because in the mixing part you just won't find where to add those eggs that are mentioned in the ingredients part. I think no eggs needed indeed, sufganyiot are perfectly fine without them. Then I filled them with strawberry jam and whole family loved them.
Now I feel better.

Our sufganyiot - may not look that good, but taste a lot better. Chanuka 5773

I think I am getting used to being a wife and mother, you know. I've always had this funny character that protested against everything and never really loved traditions or anything. So now when I am married to the orthodox man for whom family values come first, I think I might be becoming his total part in that, with help of Hashem.
I don't promise I am going to love kitchen and never leave it, but I start to enjoy it when I see my dear people enjoy what I cook and bake.

Aren't our dear people's feelings most important after all?

Chanuka Sameach! More to come, still loads of candles to light and fill our souls with wonders and wonders...

Learning to love

I think I am learning to love. It's weird to realize that it took me 27 years to learn how to love.
Ezra taught me. When I look into his eyes and see my reflection, I know that even if I failed in my career and never found the job I wanted, I have got him.

It's not always that easy though. Ezra and I went to supermarket yesterday and met my mother in law outside the train station. When we stepped on the escalator to go down where that supermarket is, we talked. Suddenly some afroamerican man started to shout at us. It appeared that he was standing behind us and because I took little more time to move Ezra's stroller over, I blocked his way. Man, was he rude. He definitely heard us talking in different language and realized we weren't Germans, that's how he got chutzpa to shout. I did not tell him anything back. I felt awful. You know why? First thing that came to my mind was the line from O'Henry's story where the Doc tells to the Yankee: "You freed our slaves and fought with them against us". I am the least intolerant or racist person but I absolutely shared the anger of the Doc about freeing the slaves. I know one single stupid man doesn't mean anything but you must be very cruel and evil to shout at the woman with the baby.
Note well, that Germans, especially old people in a public transport or shops have been extremely nice to me and Ezra so far.
So when people complain about Germans, I often tell them that they haven't done anything worse [to the Jews] than other nations (e.g. Spanish inquisition, Ukrainian kazaks with Khmelnitsky or Bandera...), they were just better organized as they always are.
I live in Germany since 2009 and have never faced any racial problems with Germans, but emigrants/immigrants have been ruder very often.

So yesterday I did not love people. I hated one of them.

I've always been an advocate for racial or religious tolerance. I've always been saying that the world belongs to each and every human being, therefore one can choose to live wherever one would like to. I have indeed lived in various countries of Europe and even though some say Europeans tend to be racists, I've never had any problems with this for local people were always very nice to me.
Now I'm hesitating about supporting emigration. I even doubt if the whole world is ours and we can live anywhere...
This time I felt so small realizing that I don't actually have country of my own. Neither I speak the national language nor am I citizen of it which makes me somewhat of an alien, doesn't it?
I wrote to a friend in Georgia the other day saying that we will probably never know what it's like living in a normal democratic country, happy and peaceful, we are such poor offspring of post-soviet utopia.

Eretz Israel.
Eretz Israel.
Eretz Israel.
When are we going to go back home, Dad? Are we at all?

So, I stopped loving the world right away. Our sages were so wise advising, first, learn to love your close ones, your nation and then go loving and saving the world.
I am not saving it anymore!
I am learning to love myself and my people properly.

Variety of choice

I intended to blog two weeks ago and tell you about the things I am into right now.
I started to go to the Volkshochschule which would be Folk High School in German. Yes, after almost two years living here I decided it is time to learn German properly.

The Leipzig Volkshochschule is really one of the good schools in Germany. First of all the building is beautiful and old; but what's more important our wedding dinner and dances took place in the concert hall of this very school last June. So it is quite emotional going there everyday, ascending the stairs and seeing familiar halls - always expecting some dear face to appear and smile at you.

There are 15 students in my group. Variety of world culture: A couple from South Korea (newly married, very cute ones), a very funny boy and a girl from Japan; yes, that was the guy whom I've surprised with my age, then there is a heavy metal lover from Finland with fair hair and cold face, one more couple from Poland with typical polish names: Marek and Eva, one guy from Kazakhstan, an Indian guy with smily face who has difficulty to pronounce the diftong: SH, a very intelligent girl from Iran and the last ones but not least two other girls. Well these two girls made a funny entrance for one of them is from Romania and her name is Aurelia while other one comes from Brasil, is Afro-American and named Lyudmila. Don't you find it funny too? You would expect Lyudmila to be this blonde girl in mini-skirt speaking with Russian accent and all you get is a Brasilian lass with loud voice and big body.
Oh, and there's me - exotic Georgian one with covered hair, joking and asking questions all the time.

Mentioning my covered hair was not by accident.

Everyday at 10 we have a half hour break in the school. That's when some of us have lunch, go to the toilet, or stay in the classroom and stare at the walls or getting to know with people and have some conversation. I would not say that I am always extremely friendly but I love talking to people, finding out about their nationality, their religion, their opinion about various subjects, and definitely telling them about Georgia and its religious tolerance I have always been proud of.

Well, one morning, me and my Iranian classmate were sitting in the "lunch-room", she was having her cake and I was eating my huge yellow Golden apple, later Romanian girl also joined us. I asked Iranian girl with beautiful name (Parvane which means butterfly in Persian and so in Georgian) about the economics in Iran, about her opinion of the fundamental Islam and the unemployment (also one of my favourite subjects). She told me that despite of the huge resources of Petroleum country is in a very bad situation, unemployment reaches high numbers. There are many educated people with PhD degree and still not able to find a job. She and her husband also belong to those ones who have university degree but had to leave the country because it is hard to make ends meet. Then she spoke about old times with sadness in her voice saying how the Islamic revolution forced the king to leave and made all the women cover themselves. Women hate to wear those terrible clothes, Parvane said, and everyone who leaves Iran throws them away immediately.
So, you don't do it for G-d, do you? - I was astonished.

Yes, it was surprising for me even though I could guess that Islam never really favoured women. Although it must be noted that in spite of the fundamentalism the female education is on a high level in Iran, there are many intelligent and open-minded women able to receive proper university education and work, I can attest to that having met my "schule-mate" Parvane and knowing her language learning skills.

Only thing that kind of scared me is what she said about Iranian women hating covering themselves. I've always believed that one should only observe religion when one believes in it and does things not for someone but for G-d and one's own spiritual growth.
Did not you also think that all the Muslims (whether they blow up things or not) are acting in the name of their god?
Well, it seems that they don't.
They are doing so because of the lack of choice.

I am observing Jewish woman, covering my hair and wearing modest clothes. As I come from Georgia wearing modest clothes was never a challenge, but covering hair after I got married was one of the most difficult things in my life.
First argument with myself I had after a month of being married when covering hair was not fun anymore and wedding excitement was fading gradually. I had missed seeing the sun through my hair, I had missed the feeling of freedom when wind blows your hair to your face... I had started to get nervous when I was going out and could not match any scarf or hat to my dress. And that's when I asked myself:
"Sophie, in the first place you were and are happy that only your husband can see your hair, what's happened now? You want to show off?"

After this question "Sophie realized" that the reason was not desire to show off her hair to other people but the modern western society trying to free women while they are putting more pressure than the Islamic Republic of Iran mentioned above. While they are "freeing" women and taking all the clothes off they tend to forget how they humiliate woman today. Look at any billboard, check out any advertisement, browse any site you wish and all you would see is a pretty woman suggesting brand new cars, shampoos, clothes (while she has hardly anything on) and various products or services. Women have become lowest subjects of desire and after this how could some of us still believe in media assuring us that being modest and observe moral codes are out of date and fruits of scary fundamentalism?

I do not wish others to see my hair although I still miss it loose on my shoulders and being catcher in the rye (bookish way to say).
I am truly happy the way I live because difference between me and Iranian women (and the advertising ones) is the freedom of choice.
I am free.
I chose to observe Torah and its laws. I chose to keep the commandments for nobody else but G-d. So I chose many things and no matter what western society thinks of Orthodox Jews or religions in general, we truly know when/if we are free and mind is open instead of other parts of the body.

A Month

I am so nervous right now.
I am so anxious.
I am so terrified.

19th of May means it is a month to go...

And I miss my fiance so much, it gets harder and harder to live apart.
The weather is stupid as usual - it started to rain then the sun showed up, I wanted to go to sleep meanwhile but now I think I'd better go and get things done.

Georgian consulate is not answering my calls which drives me mad and I probably will go there on Monday without an appointment at all. These government offices are so disturbing, aren't they? Have you ever seen any official representative of the country that would welcome and help you? I have not. Never indeed. And it is not just Georgia, no, my Israeli friends also complain about that, so do others.
It does not comfort me though.
I wanted some paper to be done soon.

I feel so tired, sleepless; my head aches, back aches, eyes ache, stomach aches and I think everything is getting on my nerves, even those things not connected to my body.

Oh, in addition with that I got James Joyce's "Ulysses" and I intend to read it soon. How soon, that is the question :D

Drew Barrymore has got new boyfriend, have I told you that? He's ok. I still prefer Justin Long to him but as long as Drew's happy I am happy. I actually wish I could invite her on my wedding. Wouldn't it be swell?
Anyway.

Drew and Will Kopelman

I am going to be a married woman in a month who will have to take care of her husband, household; one to make home most warm and peaceful place. It is so exciting and little frightening as well because it is something new and unknown, but as my fiance would've said, everyone goes through this and so will we.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUN!

My sweetest nutty has a birthday today. Drew Barrymore is turning 36. Amazing. She's exactly 10 years older than me. I grew up watching her movies and enjoying her smile. I think no other artist has influenced me so much as Drew. Because she has got it all: wit and smile that would rock your boat.

She had been there and seen it all. She has gone through troubles one can never imagine, but she never lost herself - she just laughed out her guts and kicked ass, didn't she? She has been most successful actress, producer and director of the new Hollywood generation. Drew is someone all the girls could strive for - funny, sunny and able to give love to the world.

Imagine me, some funny girl from tiny Georgia admiring Drew and being inspired by her. If she knew, she would be very proud and happy about it I am sure :)
Drew is like an old sister and a friend you could always turn to and tell things you would never tell to anyone else. Drew is like I am for Lila :) So funny because I have no closest friend than my cousin Lila and so has she. Drew is the sunny girl whose poster Lila and I still have in our room in the country house.

Happy Birthday, Drew! May you be healthy and blessed! Wishing you to have all you need! Keep smiling and shining through our eyes, will you?

Childhood friend

Под копни волос проникнет ли удар?
Мысль
одна под волосища вложена:
"Причесиваться? Зачем же?!
На время не стоит труда,
а вечно
причесанным быть
невозможно".

I wish I could translate this poem of Vladimir Mayakovsky in English. I used to translate some of his lyrics in Georgian when I was sophomore at university. Maybe I will one day. This one is about why combing one's hair when you can't remain combed forever... it is all about you, what's in your head. At least that's what I think Mayakovsky meant.

I have been connected to Mayakovsky since childhood - the office where my mother worked was facing his huge monument. He was standing there in the rain and sunshine with his strict face, big feet and with the cloud in his pants I guess (облако в штанах). And I was walking by him everyday after school, thinking whether it was his hat around his head or his hair. Now I believe it was the hat.
There is nothing like childhood memories, is there? Probably that's when my love to Russian poetry began and I was meant to live this life of wanderer, searching for the truth. What else is poetry than searching on and on.

Mayakovsky was born in Georgia indeed. I guess that's why he had got this bold attitude. Ok, I have this little nationalist thing about my country, but face it - Georgia is this tiny winy country caught in the middle between huge Russia and Turkey, and still lots of famous and talented people were born there, who excelled in arts, politics and etc. So there is something about the land even if you were just born there you have got passion and attitude in your bones.
If so, one may ask, why did Mayakovsky and I leave that country in the end? Perhaps we wanted to miss it more, to feel it more and to dream of it in our violet dreams.

Honestly, life is very prosaic as my mother loved to say when I was younger, and I never understood it. Life is what you make it. Life is yours, only yours. It is not about poetry or proses, it is about individuals - sunshine and thunder.
My life is not that. It is a movie :)

To teenagers and old people

I love waking up when everyone else is asleep. Then I can come downstairs, drink my milk coffee and look out the window.
So quiet and dark.
5:56 am.

My teenage friend Rebekka saw the movie "Into The Wild" and was full of emotions, impressions yesterday. She asked me if it's true that "Happiness is only real when shared"? I suddenly realized that yes, that's what it is actually.
I've been asked what is the stable character trait I've got, I hesitated a little and answered, that it is optimism that I never lose.
Not only optimism.
Empathy.
And now Rebekka actually made me think that I am only happy if my friends, my fellow Jews are happy. Not only Jews really. How can I be happy if my old Kurdish neighbour in Georgia is miserable? Or how can I rejoice if I knew my Georgian childhood friend was unhappy?

Man is not an island, is it?

I am so influenced by the media even though I try to resist.
Yesterday I was thinking how I hate fur and diamonds. So many animals and children are killed because of those luxurious things. Once I told this to my eldest cousin and she looked at me worried: "Sophie, you cannot feed the whole world. Don't think so much."
I can't. Compassion is in my blood.
Remember, I have often said that I wish I was shallower and little stupid girl for my life would have been much easier? I never really meant it. Because it would have never been real me if I were happy-go-lucky with the world vanity.

Thank you, Rebekka Averbach, for that. Now when my mum asks me why do teenagers and old people love me so much, I know what to answer: Ma, it's because I share their happiness as well as their misery.

Runaway

Seymour Glass is the only suicidal man I love. And you know why did he do it? Because he had seen it all, he had loved people, read all the books, and just decided to go there where he would feel better. I think I would never be friends with Seymour for I would have fallen in for him and could've not noticed his deep spirituality. I am designed for Buddy who is crazy, witty and little clumsy comparing to Seymour.

Anyway (say it in New Zealandish accent), Monday's fading away and what I have learned today is that life is not causal, damn it, it is rough. I posted about Drew Barrymore on my Georgian blog, about her sad eyes in her new movie "Going the distance" and what I mostly wrote about her was meant for myself.

Seriously, I looked in the mirror yesterday and it was some strange woman looking at me with her red eyes and crazy hair (need to dye soon).
Although I look very fine on the photos even I could have not guessed what's wrong with me, but there is something wrong. I feel like a mouse in a cage, you know the one that is running, running and still remains there?
Because right now I don't know where to run. I have no particular place to call home :| For I do not feel home anywhere :/ As my old story's character Sunny would have said: 'Nothing is worse than being a flower cut off its roots and placed in a vase.'
Yes, I still miss my Georgia very much.

Tight me up! :P

Tactless people are killin' me. Really. Somebody told me the other day that I am being tight about some things. I did not know what to answer. Usually I try to laugh when I'm embarrassed, but this time I could not laugh either. It was not only about me, but about Georgia where I come from. Even now when I'm calmer just can't think of a proper answer to that not-very-nice comment.

It's Yom Kippur very soon. I forgive that one for hurting my feelings and calling me "tight". And I hope and ask Hashem never ever put me in a situation like that when I have no words to reply because if I would I could've crashed all. Not very good solution for G-d fearing person. I also hope I am not tactless and if I ever was, I am so sorry and FORGIVE ME, please!

Anyway.

When I get older I will be stronger ;) :D I can't stop listening to this:

Gael rocking in Georgia

When my Israeli friend told me that Gael Garcia Bernal is in Kazbegi taking part in a new movie, I was amazed. Although lots of movie stars have been visiting Georgia lately and it was not a big surprise to me.

"Bad education"

I have never been his fan and I don't even like how he played Che Guevara in the "Motorcycle diaries". You know when you love someone you have imagined him differently and suddenly comes this small Mexican boy and breaks down your socialistic dreams :) so I really wish to see Gael and talk about that movie, about his approach to Che's role and lots of other things ;)

"Y Tu Mama Tambien"

First movie that I saw was "Y Tu Mama Tambien" ('Your Mother Too') with Gael and Diego Luna. I loved Diego Luna in that movie and still think that he's more talented, but Gael has got different charm which Hollywood adores and that is the reason of his becoming a star out there.

Ashing News

I just got a new domain for my Georgian blog: SUNNY WORLD - I am so excited about it.

Plus, my flight to Berlin is cancelled due to that volcano crash in Iceland. It's getting ridiculous as I've been waiting for visa quite long and now this nature disaster is disturbing me a lot. Anyways, I believe it's for the best and probably I still have some mission in Tbilisi to complete.

P.S. On Friday I attended internet TV conference, where I met Xiaxue, this miniature singapurean blogger who visited Georgia with her producer Gillian Tan. The conference was quite interesting and very well organized I must say.

Social call ;)

Some Georgian bloggers to visit the Minister of Economy of Georgia tomorrow.
How do you like that? I think our politicians have brains after all. Or should I say, their lobbyists do ;)

Love Is Never Enough

With dearest Chana Rivka

With lovely rebetzin Leah Portnoy & her baby Emuna Brocha

Midrasha gals

I'm leaving for Tbilisi tomorrow.
I can not believe it. CAN YOU?
It feels like I've been here forever. Midrasha has become my life and these girls - important parts of it. I am excited to go home, but hope to come back very soon, bezrat Hashem.

How can I evaluate those 3 months I've been here?
I do not know.
They have been full of fun, love, joy, sun and TORAH LEARNING.
I've become much better person for sure.

And everything started from an e-mail I wrote to Josh, the boss of the place.
It was definitely the beginning of the changes and he made it happen.

I did not like Berlin at first - people were too cold for me, I could not find a friend to talk to... and now I have lots of girls around I can talk to. I got used to midrasha and living with 18 more girls, who have different characters, and they are all just amazing.

There was this community women chanuka party yesterday in midrasha. Paula, Louise and Keren played violins and keyboard, we had tasty food, children were all around... everyone was happy, smily and sweet. When I look at the pictures I took, I can see how my face shines and sparkles. All I ever wanted was - love love love! I always missed family feeling, and suddenly I feel that I belong here to this community. I was happy. I still am.
Even though I've always been loved, it was never enough if you know what I mean.
And I hope more love is coming on my way!!!

Thank you, dear Hashem!
And thanks to all my teachers at the Lauder Institution, best community ever.

What's your stone???

Today I found out that my zodiac stone is Tourqoise.
I thought I preferred green stones to tourqoise, but now I realize that everytime when I go somewhere, light blue stones attract me much more than the green.
Actually I've got this silver ring with tourqoisish stone in Georgia for 20 gel. Today I looked at it and decided that I really love it. So zodiacs may be right in some ways.

The following is the quizz I did on facebook and liked answers a lot :)

You were born on a Sunday. - correct, mum says; she knows better.
Your Zodiac Sign is Capricorn. - yes.
Your Chinese Zodiac Sign is Rat. - bliah, yes.
Your Ruling Planet is Saturn. - aha.
Your Birthstone is Turquoise. - I'm glad.
Your Birth Flower is Narcissus. - I love that flower so much. Yellow is one of my favourite colours.
Your Birth Tree is Apple Tree. - my favourite fruit as a matter of fact.
Your Birth Number is 3. - uhm...
Your Lucky Color is Brown or Green. - Can't say I love brown, but green is totally my colour, my blogs' too.
Your Lucky Day is Saturday. - YEAH! I love SHABBAT!!!
Your Lucky Number is Eight. - 8? Baruch Hashem, it's the best number ever.


So, you wanna make such funny and entertaining quizzes??? Log on Facebook and do it! :)

SHABBAT SHALOM!!!!

One Soul

I have a task for Sunday. Madricha Leah asked me to write a speech, which I'll say during the dinner for the girls.

I wrote it already and want to share it with you:

'One Soul'

There is this story written by the brother of the chief rabbi of Georgia, Meir Levin. Story is called 'One soul' and author talks about his life, how he moved to Israel at his late forties and began studying Torah. He had a chavrusa from Chabad; so everyday he used to go to that man and learn. One day when they finished studies and Meir Levin was about to leave, the Chabad man stopped him and said: 'You are such a good learner of Torah, even though you are litvak and I'm from Chabad, I can see we have got one soul.'

After reading this story I thought a lot.
Then we went to Antwerp and I had a chance to meet different people - chasids, litvaks, georgian jews who have kept their tradition for ages, and realized - no matter who we are - ashkenazi or sephard, where we are from, how educated and how wealthy we can be - we all have one soul, One Jewish Soul given by the Almighty G-d.

This is what I wrote and will read on Sunday to the midrasha girls. I hope they will like it. I changed some scenes in this story, but main idea is the same.

Happy holidays to you all!