Mummy concerns

We, new mums, are so paranoid. Well, I really am.
Ezra doesn't sleep and fusses at night - my heart goes down.
Ezra sleeps 6-7 hours stretch at night and 2 hours nap by day - I am peeking in the room hundreds of times to check if he's breathing.
Ezra doesn't eat - terrified.
Ezra eats a lot - also terrified.
Sneezes - GOSH!
Coughs - Ezra, what's that? Why are you coughing???

Are you all mums, more or less, like that?

Mother's job must be the hardest because no other job has your blood and bones, no other job melts your heart. Admit it, most people only work for money, if it wasn't about that, no one would get up in the cold winter morning and drove to the office or anywhere else, rather stay in bed, have a tea or coffee in peace and surf internet whole day. And cuddle with the warm and lovely baby.
Yeh, G-d has cursed the human race for good to work their guts out.

Ezra's friend from Ikea

Anyway.
I AM HAPPY.
I have the best job in the world.

To teenagers and old people

I love waking up when everyone else is asleep. Then I can come downstairs, drink my milk coffee and look out the window.
So quiet and dark.
5:56 am.

My teenage friend Rebekka saw the movie "Into The Wild" and was full of emotions, impressions yesterday. She asked me if it's true that "Happiness is only real when shared"? I suddenly realized that yes, that's what it is actually.
I've been asked what is the stable character trait I've got, I hesitated a little and answered, that it is optimism that I never lose.
Not only optimism.
Empathy.
And now Rebekka actually made me think that I am only happy if my friends, my fellow Jews are happy. Not only Jews really. How can I be happy if my old Kurdish neighbour in Georgia is miserable? Or how can I rejoice if I knew my Georgian childhood friend was unhappy?

Man is not an island, is it?

I am so influenced by the media even though I try to resist.
Yesterday I was thinking how I hate fur and diamonds. So many animals and children are killed because of those luxurious things. Once I told this to my eldest cousin and she looked at me worried: "Sophie, you cannot feed the whole world. Don't think so much."
I can't. Compassion is in my blood.
Remember, I have often said that I wish I was shallower and little stupid girl for my life would have been much easier? I never really meant it. Because it would have never been real me if I were happy-go-lucky with the world vanity.

Thank you, Rebekka Averbach, for that. Now when my mum asks me why do teenagers and old people love me so much, I know what to answer: Ma, it's because I share their happiness as well as their misery.

Like an Apple

Tea for one

I still haven't learned to keep calm when people do not behave well. I don't show it, I just leave the room and walk to and fro until my anger passes away. Today I felt that I was so small like an apple. It is always a problem. Feeling small and helpless. Miriam Masha (The teacher) spoke about 'emmuna and bitachon' (faith and trust) today, and it sounded so familiar to me, but sometimes I forget it. I lose bitachon. When I lose it I lose myself as well. I become like some strange person walking in my body and the soul as a trapped animal. Imagine how is it to feel like you are an apple: green, fresh, juicy, but small.

Maybe I should visit a psychoanalyst at last and not to rely only on my own analysis. That's how it all starts - being an apple and then becoming Napoleon the Bonaparte ;) Ok, now I am joking.

I miss my home.
I miss things like coming back home from the University and buying bread.
I miss sitting in my kitchen in the morning, listening to the radio and writing.
It is not a regular missing. No. It is something different. Really.

Winterdreaming

Just dreaming about the snow...
Oh how I wish I wake up in the morning and everything is white around!!!

Life is so empty without it.
It is like when you need love, you feel it, but can't see.
That is how I feel about the snow. I really do.

Rocking Sunday

Remember my post of the last Sunday? It was so dull and boring. Thank G-d, this Sunday came out different. I had a morning chavruta with Leah and then we all had a lesson of the jewish history with Elisheva. It was so interesting, we discussed about 'Kamtza and Bar Kamtza' issue. You know my opinion over this stuff - I don't believe in this 'BE FRUM' thing. It does not matter whether you're religious or not - as long as you forget to treat people nice.

Yesterday rabbi Rose mentioned that when you speak about Torah with women, you need to focus on different things while speaking with men you should take different approach. I did not really understand that, but today when we started discussion on Elisheva's lesson, I really saw the difference between men and us :lol: (well, it's taken quite long, Soph!) What kind of difference? Women obey rules easier, it is written? Ok, than we do according them. And I like men ;) I like learning, discovering new things and discussing, it is so refreshing and interesting rather than reading and writing it down to pass an exam. So, I had a nice day, Baruch Hashem. In the evening I went out with the girls to the Bundestag, we went inside, saw the night city view, walked here and there, and got home.

Tomorrow's new day, Scarlett ;)

My new haircut

[By the way, my new haircut is weird - absolutely not my style. Well, I'm still thankful, it's a challenge, I should've seen myself as a woman-to-be, shouldn't I? :D]