The World from Above

This is Maria Sharapova, one of my favourite tennis players.
I really wish I knew how it feels to be so tall and have such beautiful long legs. Really. Does the world seem different or it's the same as for us, 165 cm not-slim-long-legged mamas? I guess I will never know.

Listening to Mindy while writing about Masha's legs.

Mit einem Kind... Mami's new world

It's been so long ago since I've blogged, almost a month.

We had lovely Pesach, Ezra had his first birthday and I've had some inner fights with myself and the world. The fight is still going on and I very much doubt it will ever cease.

Now I'd like to tell you about the card I got from my very dear friend Michal for the rosh chodesh of Adar. Michal is a young girl who used to live in Leipzig but now studies at university in a different town. So she visits her family in Leipzig on holidays. I am so glad whenever she comes to Leipzig, always lets me know and offers me help for Shabbat.
We met in Berlin in 2009 first, in the midrasha, and she impressed me with her modesty and colourful tights right away :) she was one of very few people I got along with and was not bored.

She's intelligent, sweet and, very important, - she can listen and never interrupt you. I find this character trait admirable, because most people can't hold their tongues and if they do, they never listen to you, but can't wait you to finish your sentence so they start telling their story. I understand we all care about ourselves and consider things we say more serious than others', but we should try not to. I really do try to be more attentive, to hear what people say and don't push my problems on them. Isn't it enough I talk/write so much and make people read? :)

Last August when Ezra was just four months old and it was lovely weather even in Germany, we went for a walk in the Rosenthaler Park and met Michal there. We talked, walked and had a really nice time, plus Ezra fell asleep and we had loads of time to stroll around the park and have a lovely conversation. That's when I liked her even more.
After that I also decided to delete my Facebook account for good. I realised I saw pictures of others' children more than I spent time with my little baby, who laid on his rug and "talked" to the old brown puppy while his mummy scrolled the Facebook up and down. I realised Facebook was stealing my life and my true self... that's a different story, but the point is Michal sort of helped me to figure this out better.
That was also the day when I told Michal that after having a baby my world had totally changed and it seemed like some new unknown world had opened up for me.
And guess what? Just before Purim Michal gave me this card saying exactly the same I said to her on that very Summer day at the Rosenthaler Park in Leipzig.

 

It means so much to me if I could only explain. I try to talk as little as possible and I usually don't show my feelings to others, but then I felt that I could tell to Michal how different my world had become after having Ezra. 

And she got it. She remembered it.

She found this card somehow and made my Adar definitely. Not only that month but more, as I will keep this card as longer as it's possible. It's also cute that this woman on the card looks kind of like me, wears colourful dress and loves cloth bags just as I do. 

Now, tell me, doesn't everything in this world has its time and space? Didn't G-d give inspiration to some nice person to paint me, a post soviet traumatized girl in her late twenties? 

I love imagining everything is connected in this world and all of us, no matter where we come from, what religion do we practice or how much we weigh, have same soul and emotions - we're never alone. While I suffered from Postpartum stuff and terrible babyblues, cried my heart out for almost six months after giving birth, adjusting with my new self and all, there was also someone somewhere feeling just like me wearing orange dress and her baby on her chest, carried the cloth bags and thought: "Mit einem Kind entdeckt man die Welt aufs Neue -- With the baby, one discovers the world anew".

Thank you, Michal!!!

Mummy concerns

We, new mums, are so paranoid. Well, I really am.
Ezra doesn't sleep and fusses at night - my heart goes down.
Ezra sleeps 6-7 hours stretch at night and 2 hours nap by day - I am peeking in the room hundreds of times to check if he's breathing.
Ezra doesn't eat - terrified.
Ezra eats a lot - also terrified.
Sneezes - GOSH!
Coughs - Ezra, what's that? Why are you coughing???

Are you all mums, more or less, like that?

Mother's job must be the hardest because no other job has your blood and bones, no other job melts your heart. Admit it, most people only work for money, if it wasn't about that, no one would get up in the cold winter morning and drove to the office or anywhere else, rather stay in bed, have a tea or coffee in peace and surf internet whole day. And cuddle with the warm and lovely baby.
Yeh, G-d has cursed the human race for good to work their guts out.

Ezra's friend from Ikea

Anyway.
I AM HAPPY.
I have the best job in the world.

Designed not for me

Few are my years, yet I feel the world was ne'er design'd for me...

George Byron

Have you ever thought about it that better person you are, life is way difficult for you? You try to live right? You meet so many obstacles you just run out of breath. You are a sunny person by nature and love to cheer up others, others will do their best to bring you down. You want peace and they force you to join the war.

No, I am not mad.
I AM VERY MAD.

No matter how old I grow, I still cannot stand the injustice of the world. Sometimes I wish so much I could talk a serious talk to G-d, but then realize He is not a man, if you know what I mean. You can't really talk to a wind, or a rain, you can't talk and ask explanations from someone who has created everything around, can you? Because you are mere nothing and nobody really asks (or has ever asked) your opinion about designing this world.

I am as positive as it gets, but I also get frustrated because life kicks my ass for good, you bet. There are so many things I wish I could have but my socialistic spirit wouldn't let me. Then I know it's all stupid and vain, I should be more flexible and all, but I can't.
I can't have luxurious things when I know there are children starving, and families begging for help; when there is war and people die. You never know (and never cared probably) the dreams of those people who get killed in war, do you? You never know what made them laugh or sad. You never know what they thought they would do next day which never came.

This post is complicated as most of my writings. I think I should just rename this blog and call it a girl with the post-soviet trauma. I shall do that right away.

I lose friends and hair anyway, what I really have is G-d because one is never sure if He's really there or not which means you can't lose someone/something that has never truly belonged to you. It is like you will never lose the world because it was and is, will be without you, so is the G-d. Or I'd rather say, it's universe like G-d - my eternal pain.

Safe?

It's been just fifteen minutes fast of 9th Av is over. My husband's not back from synagogue yet and I have time to blog sipping herbal tea and looking through my window.

Life in Leipzig is very quiet. Germany is very quiet country indeed, you hardly ever hear loud speech or arguments among people. Everyone lives their life, say cold hi to each other, then lock their doors behind and feel safe.

What's this "safe" though? Safe from being helpful to others? Safe from being disturbed by your fellows? Safe from giving attention to someone needy?
I don't need this kind of safety if you know what I mean.
And I realized this today when my husband and I went to the Leipzig Tora Zentrum to watch a movie about Ytzchak Zilber - the famous "refusnik" of the Soviet Union who left for Israel in early 70's and never stopped being an observant Jew.
After he was accused of being a G-dbeliever and "abusing" his children to observe commandments like not writing on Shabbat and not eating non-kosher food, many people advised him to deny his religious belief but one old lady told him: 'If you leave G-d, who would stay with Him then?'
He never left Him.

When you see or read stories like this you realize how easy our life is - nobody's telling us to leave the faith and sometimes we still feel so under pressure. I guess it is because we have been bombarded by the world media to live on our own, be 'safe' and never let anyone to disturb us.
Why do we disturb G-d all the time though?

When we answer that everything becomes clearer and hopefully never lock the doors behind our fellows.

Wishing all of you to rebuild its own temple, be loving, caring and thoughtful to the people around.

How Beautiful We Are

There is something about Romy, isn't there?

She might had not been the most beautiful woman or a sex symbol but she was this very cattish one: sweet, cute, with playful eyes and lovely neck. Neck is something that has to be beautiful and soft in woman. Neck is the best part of a body after ears of course.
Well, you know I always like actresses who kind of remind myself. So is Romy. I was very young when a friend of my mother said to me there was something of that Romy Schneider in me. I'll never forget that. Those words changed many things for me. Little girls always need some encouragement to have confidence in the way they look and since then I've always had enough confidence and satisfaction about mine.

I believe it is important that every mother tells her daughter how beautiful and intellectually capable she is. Life is going to be tough enough and lack of self confidence may become a hard issue for a person. Not only the girls, I know my teenage nephew who also needs to be told how smart and handsome he is; my aunt has been grateful for I can easily communicate with her teenage grandchildren just being there and listening without judging. No matter whether you are somebody's mother or not - just say positive things to people, encourage them, tell them how beautiful and great they are because nothing makes the world stronger and nicer than the kind words coming out from one's mouth.
What goes around comes around, remember? Multiply kindness and have fun! Life is what we make of it.

Boy! Sometimes I feel so full of love and energy I think I may explode and destroy the world. I would be the first world destroyer by loving, so good, I should be thinking about it more... Водопад - just like my sweet teenage friend is, no?

Anyways, we are all beautiful and nice as long as we want to be so, don't we?

Have a great Shabbes!!! Enjoy week end!

Live, laugh and be good, everybody!!!

Thanks to Romy Schneider (my mother and her friend as well) for inspiring and giving me confidence to be what I am.

אין זמן תחת השמש

This morning slipped away from me...
Woke up and felt the non-existed sun on my shoulders.
Cinnamon tea gave my life back and I opened up the window to the world.
The world is cinnamon today.
It is like Aviv Geffen singing there is no time under the sun for wars and fights...

I had a feeling there was someone waiting for me behind the door. Someone sitting, reading and knowing I would soon wake up and smile.

It is as if I've been writing a book about myself, and this book is nothing but reminiscences of light. Do you know what I mean? The book of dreams and somnambulism, orange and violet shadows of me... This book is so scary sometimes full of emotions, weakness, roughness and then suddenly there comes the שמש, my very own שמש and I am happy because I am the שמש, I am.

No time under the sun.

First Thursday of February. First Thursday February afternoon and the "שמש" sipping her cinnamon tea is looking through the clouds hoping for the real sun to shine out.

Put the kettle on

I love this poster.
I've been thinking today if I can keep calm. I actually can only when I am sleeping. Really. Sometimes I wake up and think how nice I am when I am asleep and no crazy thoughts bug my mind. I took an afternoon nap today because did not sleep well last night, and before I fell asleep I was thinking how small I am comparing to the huge universe, all those stars and planets around. And still, I have my own world, my own place and space to dwell, to close my eyes and fade if you know what I mean.

What about putting the kettle on? Yes, we all need to drink some tea and speak about poetry as Georgian painter Niko Pirosmani would have said. Poor one. He was a drunkard all right, sold all he had got and painted, painted as much as he could. He was a primitive painter they say; he had soul I would say. Only man with soul can dream about drinking tea and talking about poetry while he is homeless, moneyless and favourite woman does not give a damn about him.

So screw the tea, crash the kettle, be emotional, do not mind being embarrassed. Life is too short for tea, we should all be drinking wine and making love. Well, this approach does not belong to Niko Pirosmani definitely, it is damn Greek philosophy ruling over the world.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I am this mixture of body and soul, loving tea and wine at the same time, admiring poetry and love, embarrassing herself often but feeling happy because this is me, this is my life and I love it. Even when I am not calm and don't put the kettle on, you know.

Good Night You All!

שנה טובה ומתוקה

Yes, it's been a year.
Quite a long and important year. Remember my Rosh Hashanah last year? It was one of the best days of my life and I'll never forget it.

This year is very different. I am different too. It's been total 6 months I study at the midrasha. It was September 24th when I arrived in Berlin for the first time and that's when all the changes began. It was difficult in the beginning, I needed quite a time to adjust and get used to Germany. And here I am now after a year, waiting for Rosh Hashanah and thinking about my past year, future plans and the life choice. My mother used to tell me that one should grab a chance and make the right choice before it fades away. I guess I was always a good daughter listening to my mother... even though she wanted me to become a career woman, I still grabbed a chance and made this choice of becoming religious Jew and keeping all the commandments with joy and happiness.

I very much hope to improve my character this year, to work on my negative features; be more patient, and less emotional than I am now. I also hope to be forgiven by all the people who I have accidentally hurt. You know I love you all, I love the whole wide world for it is the place that Almighty G-d created for us and now it is absolutely up to us how to take care of it and each others.

Do you also think that I grew old? Lots of people who I had not seen for a long time and meet me now keep telling me that I have changed a lot, and there's something womanish in me :) funny, isn't it? I think it was time for me finally to become womanish. Sunny girl should be left in the past and I should move on and on.

May you all have sweet and meaningful New Year!!! My special love and best of brachot to family Rosenblatt in Tbilisi - last Rosh Hashanah will remain in my heart forever. THANK YOU!

שנה טובה ומתוקה

Turquoise dreams

Alain Delon

"La Piscine"

Sometimes I miss my father. I wish I knew him better. And whenever I miss him I watch Alain Delon's movies. He looked like Alain Delon very much, sometimes they have same look that breaks my heart. I have realized that every man who I either like or hate looks like my father. Freud was genius.

One and only ROMY SCHNEIDER

"La Piscine" (Swimming pool) - the turquoise 1969 movie of Jacques Deray with Alain Delon, Romy Schneider and young Jane Birkin.

Jane Birkin

It is not a movie to talk about, it is to see... to dive into late 60's and sadly remember that those years will never be back as my father is not to be freed from his demons. I have heard from many people how they wished to live in 60's, but I DO LIVE 60's for I have my own world where I can avoid everything and everyone and just swim in a Piscine of turquoise dreams.

10/10

Just SMILE

I want to inform YOU that:

• I am not that sweet and babyish girl I seem to be
• I hate talking to strangers
• I do not care what happens in 2012 - "apres moi le deluge", ok?
• I do not believe in silly compliments

But I do believe that this world is not designed for me... wait, I think that was George Byron saying that :P
Well, take it easy and just smile at me if you really want to impress me.

THANK YOU

Thank YOU, G-d, for giving me this chance to be a girl as I am :)
Thank you mum for everything that you have been doing for me.
Thank you my friends, each of you, for what you are and who you are.
Thank you my blog readers, I know you are there (here) and make my day, and I know you know who you are :)
Thank you World for being my shelter, anywhere I go I know this world is mine.

AND

Thank you, crazy sunny Sophie Golden - you make trouble, you get into trouble, you try to grow up and be better person. You're quite good girl. Thank you for these 25 years we have been together and will be even more.

THANK YOU!