Encouraging women or my second birth story

I haven't posted literally for ages here, but I had my reasons definitely.

Now I think it's time to share my second pregnancy and little birth story with my readers, if there are left any at all :-D

We sort of kept this (second) pregnancy a secret, only our immediate family and couple of close friends knew about it.

First 20 weeks were as easy as they could be (not counting wanting to sleep all the time and hating sweets, which was great in a way) while the next ones were full of stress, emotions, hormonal swings and prayers.

At 20 weeks check up I was diagnosed to have Borderline Placental Insufficiency, which meant my placenta couldn't provide the fetus with 100% oxygen and there was something wrong with the blood circulation. So this caused the baby to be small, two weeks behind than usual babies of that gestational age.
We were shocked and sad. Why G-d, why? I kept asking, why can't my body nourish the baby as it should? Isn't it natural to be so?
There came weeks of self blame, desperations and loads of tears.
And of course Googling and searching for information about this Placental Insufficiency, which was even more stressful and that's when I decided if everything went well, I should and would write about it to encourage women, and parents in general; because all I found was scary, which made me pray all days and nights to make it till 37th week and have full-term healthy baby, no matter its size.
Because it's G-d who really runs this world and everything in it, not science or anything. Sure, there are great modern technologies, but they can't do much.

Then my kind doctor advised to read as little as possible all that internet stuff, be positive and think about good things. She thought it wasn't as bad as it seemed, she was concerned just because I might had had the same issue with Ezra, who was born on 37th week weighing 2,400 tiny kilos.
At the clinic where I usually was checked, one nice midwife assured me that nature could do anything and she had heard cases where the placenta suddenly started to work better, sometimes worse and mostly it remained stable, that was what I hoped for at least.
We can't control everything as modern society believes, she said, that German atheist woman, who actually understood and believed in "nature" more than she thought.

My next placental check up was at 30 weeks and I was already grateful to G-d, I had made till that.
But there was even better news.
Miraculously - insufficiency had gone somehow and placenta was provided with enough oxygen and all. The fetus had gained enough weight, even though still little smaller, but doctor told me it could absolutely make up next last weeks of pregnancy when baby grows faster.

Now I had that terrible fear of 37th week when I had my firstborn Ezra before his time swimming in green waters, because the insufficient placenta had caused him stress and his first bowel movements; if he stayed there longer, he could had been poisoned, but baruch Hashem, Who made our zealous Ezra to come out quicker - healthy and lovely.
I just decided to cling on G-d and trust in His goodness completely, because we can't do much, can we?

37th week came and went, no baby yet. I was so happy it had time to gain weight. 38th week also went fine; and at 39th week after Shabbat I started to feel weird pains in my stomach, more like gas. I could see first contractions had started, but wasn't too sure, because I had never experienced them before, such crazy delivery I had with the first baby - no contractions right before Ezra came out.

I tried to keep calm, put Ezra to sleep, wash dishes that were left after Shabbat and then watched "Pus in Boots" (stupid movie) with my husband. After that we went to sleep, but I couldn't get comfortable. I would wake up every hour with annoying pain. At about 4am I got up and found some blood, so that was time to wake up my husband and drive to the hospital, meanwhile leaving Ezra with his grandmum.

Such nice "coincidence" - this painting hanging at the hospital lobby

We were at the Uniklinikum of Leipzig in an hour and my passive labour had started too.
It was very long labour and I never thought it would be so hard with the second baby since everyone says otherwise: it took lots of walking up and down the stairs of hospital, pain, exhaustion...
Plus, the waters had to be broken by the midwife, which actually helped contractions to become oftener and stronger. After couple of contractions I pushed like crazy, seriously. I've always been zealous (my favourite English word) in my life, but when it comes to childbirth, I'm sort of in ecstasy and have babies as fast as possible. Nobody expected I would do so fast, you could tell by their face expressions and trust me, Germans don't show that too often.
It was definitely a fight. I felt like warrior, really.
I screamed for Hashem to help me and He did, baby was out - safe and sound (3,400 kilos).
New little life.
Beautiful baby boy of ours - little Aaron.
Baruch Hashem!
I was happy and proud.

What I wanted to tell with this post is that you should never lose hope, trust to G-d and positivity. Nothing is ever lost as my dear Rebetzin says and I believe her. No matter what statistics, ultrasounds and sometimes even doctors say, you have your right to listen to your motherly instincts - everything will be fine!
And pregnant women need to hear that often - everything will be fine, you are fine and wonderful, keep being great and growing little wonders inside you!

May G-d bless everyone longing children and make them as happy as I felt when holding my new baby tight on my chest.
AMEN!!!

University lover

When people visit countries or cities, they usually go to see (and definitely take pictures of) museums, theatres, churches and other, so called, sight-seeings. I'm not one of them. I have this thing for Universities. There's some magic aura in Academic places, isn't it? Air is so full of science, education, freedom, thinking...

G-d, do I love Universities! You have no idea. When I visit a new country, first thing I want to see is a State University of that place. Looking at the buildings and watching students are most amusing and amazing entertainment for me. I love watching enthusiastic and motivated youth. Anyone who's ever gone to University, knows how engaged and excited one can be there. Or maybe I was because I studied Journalism (crazy, how could I do that!) and believed in things that don't quite exist in this corrupt world. Plus they don't really teach you how to write there, just waste of time, all the good writers are NOT even journalists, forget Marquez and Hemingway... But that's not the subject now.

So I like University of Athens a lot (first European country I have visited long time ago), I guess, because it's old and loud :)
Second in my list is the Moscow State University, which is huge and pompous as Russia itself.
Then come Universities of Milan, Berlin and Prague. Sadly my list is not very big because I'll be honest, I haven't really seen all the Universities of the countries I have visited.
[I intentionally do not mention the great ones like Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne and etc, too pop for me ;) ]

Last but NOT least is the University of Leipzig. The pride of East Germany, let me say like this.
Since Leipzig is my (rather Ezra's, he is an authentic Leipziger) hometown right now, naturally its University is the first place to see and be for me.
My 4 years of Bachelor's and 2 years of the midrasha were not enough at all to satisfy my Academic hunger (haven't done Master's yet, sorry, mum!).

 

So today when Ezra and I were walking up the beautiful University street of Leipzig in the very centre of the city, I felt that the sky was wider and higher, than usual, calm breeze was full of University air taking me to my favourite place in the world.

I wonder what are my readers' obsession? Readers' that become less and less like my blog posts :-D It's fine, sometimes it's very useful talking/writing to yourself and making things clear and realising what you didn't actually know before.

Forgetting your name

I heard someone I truly respect saying that we, modern people, especially from, so called, first world, tend to be very self-centered and pay too much attention to social services and etc. He also said that we become very easily frustrated when somebody forgets our name, or spells it incorrectly. I listened to him and then said I didn't agree, because it is natural for a person to be conscious about its name and want others to remember it correctly. If somebody forgets your name or doesn't bother itself to spell it properly, it means that person is inattentive, shallow and above all, doesn't care about you enough to bother oneself and memorise the name, I said.

The other day Ezra and I went grocery shopping and ran into a very lovely girl. She's not exactly friend of mine or anything, but she's one of the few people I hug. I mean, Germany is not very hugging country, even people who emigrated here have become (or essentially were) icy cold and which hugging you ask for, when they even forget to greet you. You know, it is nice to hug friends and be hugged too. This girl has always been different - very polite and kind. We know her family and been invited for dinner once too, and I felt quite close to them -- lovely people.
Anyhow, we saw her at the supermarket and went to greet her. We talked about this and that, then her phone called, it was another mutual friend of ours, who happened to be there too and wanted to join us. Sure, this girl said, we'll wait for you. Apparently, the person on the other line asked, who were "we", because my friend hesitated and blushed, couldn't answer immediately and turned to me, asking what was my name. She then apologised thousand times, she said it was because we hardly see each other and she didn't know how could she forget my name.

I remember back in school I had a really nice teacher, but she called me Sofia all the time. It used to upset me really, I tried to explain her politely it was Sophie, but she never seemed to hear. So I started to dislike her even though she was always nice to me and I even liked talking to her about different subjects.

 

Now suddenly I was happy. I know, this is crazy, but it was like illumination for me, seriously -- because I experienced exactly same what my friend was talking about the other day. I realised I didn't mind much someone forgetting my name, not because I am so humble that didn't think of myself important (no I am selfish enough, trust me), but I thought I shouldn't judge people in any case. You never know reasons - she might have been tired, or sick or anything, or we really don't see each other that often so she could have my name in her head all the time.

Well, mostly I felt happy because I sort of fought over my conscious self, didn't get upset and assured her it was all right while sometimes we even forget our own names, let alone others'. Don't we? ;)

3: Tigermood

Right now I'm like this Asian tiger from beautiful and famous Leipzig Zoo (originally somewhere from far Eastern Russia), not in the mood of sharing anything with anyone; have no desire of any social media.

All I want is to enjoy this summer with my family.

G-dly union

This morning Ezra, his grandma and I went to the Leipzig train station to do some grocery shopping. When we passed that block, where they sell tickets, I saw a girl who lived in the midrasha too, but she came there right after I got married and left. Now she's just married too. She's really nice and sweet; her husband is also very intelligent and handsome guy.

It was so nice to see her - all smiley and happy, positive and full of hopes and dreams as all newly married girls are. I wanted to hug her and tell her, best life is about to come and wish her all the best that could be in the world.

[You know, sometimes I might be as cold as ice, but mostly I am such heartful sentimental person that can't help loving people - strangers or friends, no matter.]

But I didn't because I've seen that girl only twice in my life and we had literally said only two words to each other: "Gut Shabbes" -- as she was visiting the midrasha for Shabbat then. And I was a bride, all excited, scared, emotional, crazy, witty - saying funny things and hiding I was nervous about losing my freedom and becoming involved in this institution called marriage, so I couldn't pay enough attention to the newcomers, I am really sorry now.

And here, I saw her, lovely bride with sparkling eyes and glowing face with happiness.
I can't explain better, all the words are vain.

Anyone who knows how beautiful and meaningful traditional Jewish wedding is, will understand my emotions and excitement. I respect every religion and believe that all humans around the world are same, they all have heart and soul, they all want to be loved and give love, but when it comes to traditions, nothing can be compared to the Jewish life which is guided by Torah.
Everyone has God, but only Jews have Torah, which means we have double credit :) this is a half joke, because Torah is G-d and G-d is Torah, but what I mean is, that this is the only Book which gives life and is life Itself.
Naturally, Bible belongs to the world, but essential Torah with its beautiful commentaries is only mine (I mean it not literally for sure, rather philo-Sophie-cally).

It is said that receiving Torah from Hashem by Jews was like a wedding between Jewish nation and G-d, because this is most sacred and wholly union on the planet. For only husband and wife can be as close as it can ever be. They are one flesh and one soul, one creation - like G-d and Jewish people.
I know some will think I exaggerate as every sort of religious fanatic does, but all I want to say is that looking at that girl and her new husband made me realise this once more - there is nothing more beautiful than Jewish marriage where two souls are united for G-d and from G-d.

May You My Friends Live Long and Happy Life full of Joy and Torah Light!!! May Hashem bless you with many healthy children and granchildren! Amen!!!

Here are some photos from my own wedding. Yeah. It was not so long ago, it's been 2 years. So fresh and vivid still :)

Some reasons

I am so tired that I can't blog properly.

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Plus because of some reasons I have no desire to blog:

1. There are some people who read it and I don't want them to know my TRUE feelings about particular issues.
2. I hate fanatics, especially religious ones and I pray to Hashem to spare me from them and teach me how to handle them. Mensch! I've been handling one of them lately and I don't know how to get rid of.
3. Ezra's been so active, if I didn't take him out for a walk at least twice a day, I'd go crazy. He crawls and cruises everywhere, but EVERYWHERE. Opens every possible door, breaks anything that is breakable, then jumps on me and gives me his charming smile showing off his funny teeth that would melt any heart.
4. I'm fat and it depresses me. My arms are huge as if I were an athlete, and in general, I am as wide as Jack Daniels' bottle (speaking of that, I haven't drunk an alcohol, except wine on Shabbat, FOR EVER, my husband hates women drinking alcohol, then I was pregnant and breastfeeding... now I just have forgotten about it).
5. I am so tired at the end of the day that I just don't have any intellectual strength left to post in English.

P.S. I didn't mention that Ezra and I met Talia, Luke and Lior on 29th of May at the Höfe am Brühl in Leipzig, how unbelievable is that? Would I believe if someone told me I would a year ago when I started to read their blog? NEVER!
Life is extraordinary, you see, and so is the Carbis family, I should say. That's why I like them so much and am never bored to follow their updates.

Cities

An acquaintance of mine said to me the other day, that whenever she starts thinking about intellectual matters and sort of tries to train her brain, her head aches like crazy.
She made me feel better about myself for that's what I've been feeling last 13 months.
Sometimes I can't recognise myself, I get emotional very easily, my speech gets nervous and writing - worse. There are times when I re-read my posts (mostly in Georgian, because you shouldn't ask much from me in English) and they are so illogical. Not that I've ever minded logic, but still, I used to write well (at least to some taste).

Then one rabbi who is also our family friend, gave a class couple of months ago and told us, that somewhere in Talmud it states that woman continues to have her "pregnancy mind" for two years, especially if she's nursing.
When I was in the midrasha I used to say that Talmud isn't studied by women only because it's all about what men think and say, and we (wise girls) know that men never understand women, they are from different planet, so women will not bear studying a book which is only based on men's wisdom.
So now I really take back my words, Talmud is right. Pregnancy mind (rather lack of it) definitely continues for more than a year - I am living proof for that.

After couple of months we had Ezra, my brother-in-law came over for Shabbat and before dessert we decided to play some game. Since you can't write or use various muktzeh things on Shabbat, we started to play this very Soviet game called: "Cities". It goes like this, 4-5 people are in game; one of them picks any letter from Alphabet and says a name of a city (e.g. Leipzig), and second one says the name of other city beginning with the last letter of the city mentioned before (Leipzig - Glasgow), so it continues like that (next one will be Glasgow - Weimar). Time is also very limited there, VERY MUCH indeed, you should say the city names in one-two seconds, quicker you are, the better.
Now I'm trying to remember the suitable expression to my failure in that game.
I couldn't recall the cities of Georgia, let alone the worldwide. My mind was blank. All right I could've named some of them after thinking for couple of minutes, but not in seconds definitely.
So I got very upset, left the room and cried my heart out. My husband tried to calm me down reminding me what our midwife had said abour postpartum time + nursing = mini-dementia.
I was upset and embarrassed anyway, because I used to be quite good at that game and knew loads of cities.

My husband asks me every now and then if I'd like to try, but I am scared and always say, not yet.
You know what though? Having written this, I realise that I probably will play this Shabbat. It's time to overcome the embarrassment, it's my family after all and no-one will laugh at me if I fail again.
I can't let the pregnancy mind become me, if you know what I mean. Plus, I am not pregnant anymore and it's been more than a year since, I shall give it a try.

What a great mind-[en]lightening thing is blogging, isn't it?

Mit einem Kind... Mami's new world

It's been so long ago since I've blogged, almost a month.

We had lovely Pesach, Ezra had his first birthday and I've had some inner fights with myself and the world. The fight is still going on and I very much doubt it will ever cease.

Now I'd like to tell you about the card I got from my very dear friend Michal for the rosh chodesh of Adar. Michal is a young girl who used to live in Leipzig but now studies at university in a different town. So she visits her family in Leipzig on holidays. I am so glad whenever she comes to Leipzig, always lets me know and offers me help for Shabbat.
We met in Berlin in 2009 first, in the midrasha, and she impressed me with her modesty and colourful tights right away :) she was one of very few people I got along with and was not bored.

She's intelligent, sweet and, very important, - she can listen and never interrupt you. I find this character trait admirable, because most people can't hold their tongues and if they do, they never listen to you, but can't wait you to finish your sentence so they start telling their story. I understand we all care about ourselves and consider things we say more serious than others', but we should try not to. I really do try to be more attentive, to hear what people say and don't push my problems on them. Isn't it enough I talk/write so much and make people read? :)

Last August when Ezra was just four months old and it was lovely weather even in Germany, we went for a walk in the Rosenthaler Park and met Michal there. We talked, walked and had a really nice time, plus Ezra fell asleep and we had loads of time to stroll around the park and have a lovely conversation. That's when I liked her even more.
After that I also decided to delete my Facebook account for good. I realised I saw pictures of others' children more than I spent time with my little baby, who laid on his rug and "talked" to the old brown puppy while his mummy scrolled the Facebook up and down. I realised Facebook was stealing my life and my true self... that's a different story, but the point is Michal sort of helped me to figure this out better.
That was also the day when I told Michal that after having a baby my world had totally changed and it seemed like some new unknown world had opened up for me.
And guess what? Just before Purim Michal gave me this card saying exactly the same I said to her on that very Summer day at the Rosenthaler Park in Leipzig.

 

It means so much to me if I could only explain. I try to talk as little as possible and I usually don't show my feelings to others, but then I felt that I could tell to Michal how different my world had become after having Ezra. 

And she got it. She remembered it.

She found this card somehow and made my Adar definitely. Not only that month but more, as I will keep this card as longer as it's possible. It's also cute that this woman on the card looks kind of like me, wears colourful dress and loves cloth bags just as I do. 

Now, tell me, doesn't everything in this world has its time and space? Didn't G-d give inspiration to some nice person to paint me, a post soviet traumatized girl in her late twenties? 

I love imagining everything is connected in this world and all of us, no matter where we come from, what religion do we practice or how much we weigh, have same soul and emotions - we're never alone. While I suffered from Postpartum stuff and terrible babyblues, cried my heart out for almost six months after giving birth, adjusting with my new self and all, there was also someone somewhere feeling just like me wearing orange dress and her baby on her chest, carried the cloth bags and thought: "Mit einem Kind entdeckt man die Welt aufs Neue -- With the baby, one discovers the world anew".

Thank you, Michal!!!

Scary Schimmel

I am almost sure many of you have seen those American movies about girls moving to Europe or exchanging apartments with, let's say, British people and etc. And behold, disaster - rusty sewerage system, molded walls, squeaky doors - come over as soon as they move in.

This is old lousy Europe.

If finding a flat in the west Germany is almost impossible, over here, in the east, there are plenty of apartments one can rent (after millions of people left for the west in 90's). Comparing to the western prices, the eastern ones are quite reasonable. Did I say reasonable? Nothing is reasonable in life if you really ask me. It's all about us searching for reasons, but never finding them and making up our own.

Anyway, the story is about our apartment. We've been living here since June of 2011. I liked this place at the first sight just because there were 7 memorial stones of 7 people deported to different concentration camps on the doorstep. It meant so much to me and my husband to rent a flat in a house where 7 Jewish people lived, loved, suffered, and then were thrown out from their own homes like they were nothing. 6 of them were executed in Auschwitz and 7th one, Salomon Weininger, if I remember his name correctly, actually fled from the camp back to Leipzig and was hiding for couple of months before he got caught again and was sent to Latvia, where he joined other 6.000 000 Jews in heaven.
So imagine how symbolic it was for us, orthodox Jews, living in this place and keeping the Torah commandments everyday - so uplifting for those perished souls.

Now realistically, the flat was quite cheap, near the synagogue and our community centre, which is important for us to be able to walk there on Shabbat. It was sunny with high ceilings and very comfortable kitchen. So we rented it and moved in after the wedding. Summer was great, Autumn was also lovely, but Winter - that's when the walls in the kitchen and bathroom started to mold. Scary. But we fixed them and lived on. Then we had Ezra in April. Sooner came Summer and we still lived sunny life, so was our second Autumn too.
Ooh, Winter again.
All this mold began to come out since December 2012 and we just can't stop it. We painted the wall, spreyed the liquid to exterminate it, but it would appear in a month's or less time. So unpleasant and not good for health.

When I started cleaning for Pesach the other day, I discovered that in every room behind the heating batteries walls are molded, some less, some more. Then we called the "Hausmeister" who would be the guy in charge about technical things of our house. Now he has to come with some guy who could fix and take off the mold if it's possible. I hope they will not tell us it needs to be seriously repaired and all. It's just before Pesach time and I am beginning to get very nervous, I definitely don't want people coming over and do capital repairs.

Wish us luck in finding new flat - CLEAN and in a good condition not like this old moldy one. Because even the 7 memorial stones and all the romantic stories I imagine can't make us live here anymore.

Happiness or joy

Today was the day when Ezra acted like little me. I couldn't make him nap when he was supposed to, refused to nurse and all he wanted was to play and giggle. No nap means he becomes hyperactive and I have to keep up with him which is not that easy after being sleep deprived, and still loads of household stuff to do. That's when I think I am going to lose it whatever this might mean.
On days like today I just can't wait when evening comes and put baby to sleep so I can have some time for myself a bit.

 

After Ezra fell asleep today and I also took half an hour nap, sort of felt better and started to pick up the photos to make our family album. It's a shame that we haven't even done our wedding album but my husband's colleague did and gave us as a present. Her husband is an amateur but still takes amazing pictures, so they made an album for us which was very nice. More kudos to Germans, who are actually quite honest and nice people. Although two photos in this post were taken by my sweet friend from Bulgaria, Masha Vasileva.

  

I found myself smiling all the time when I looked at our wedding photos. I tend to forget what a beautiful day it was and how happy we were. Some say, happiness is temporary and what one must do is to be joyful - because that is eternal, but I think it was such a mesmerizing moment filled with happiness, joy, excitement and LOVE all the same that nothing could ever make it different.

It wasn't that long ago actually, year and a half, as a matter of fact, but sometimes it seems like it was centuries ago when we used to be young, beautiful and slim (talking about myself)...
Now I know, whenever I am tired or down, or just sick of this heavy world, I should look at those photos and make myself as sunny as I should be.

Becoming oneself

Yes, pregnancy is hard, but being mum is harder. Forget the sleepless nights and early morning wake ups, forget the sore nipples in the beginning that make you scream and mad at the baby, never mind changing diapers with funny consistency in them; it is also you that changes when you become mum. Your life is never going to be the same. You will never be the same (thank G-d, don't wanna be either). The self of yours will change.

 

Every girl dreams about marriage, rather they dream about beautiful shiny wedding, princess gown, lovely guy that looks his best that day, people who came to watch and cherish the couple... all that cliche, you know.
Last year I was the main character of that cliche thing actually.
Got married in June 2011.
It was beautiful, I admit. There were my dear friends and people who I love, respect and wished to be there. It was a tiny dreamy day. Really.
It was about time, yes, I was no toddler definitely; at my 26 I had realized I was ready to tie the knot (boy, sounds this funny!) with this good man making me melt down like Amelie. So I did.
Even in my wildest dreams I would not be having traditional (orthodox actually) Jewish wedding with loads of charedi rabbis. I used to think I was a wild flower - to be sunny, funny and witty all the way.
Now I don't think marriage did any harm to my wild flowery character. It might have even improved me in a way one does when gets married and changes its life. I told to one of my closest friends that marriage is a huge challenge and being mum - battlefield :D it is, isn't it? True values have price to pay - change yourself, fight the demons that might be your inner friends and calm yourself down when baby cries so hard you have no idea how to soothe him.

Thus, it's been a year since then and we had a baby boy in April 2012, little prePesach wonder of ours. Ezra's his name and he's got my blue greyish eyes. He smiles as seldom as his dad, very much ashkenazi indeed.

This year has been quite a year. We've had some ups and downs as everyone does. We had hard times and we overcame them; this year made my post-feminist spirit realize that I belong to someone and actually like it;
I do cook, clean, do all the housewife thing, sometimes get mad (that's all media putting pressure) that women are never appreciated as they deserve; I am becoming one of those Jewish mums always having a cake or two in the fridge.

I can't really tell you where I stand now. I do not have much time for thinking, I have to do all as fast as I can, get some sleep, be a loving wife, take care of the baby, and only then I look in the mirror and see the familiar face of that post-feminist wild flower having found her true self. Oneself.

State of mind

Happiness is just a state of your mind,
Keep searching who knows what you may find...

The Spice Girls "Something Kinda Funny"

Have you ever looked at yourself from the other side and asked a question: are you happy, darling? I have.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and haven't recognized the face there? I have.
Have you ever lived somewhere and felt that you were not actually there? I have.
Have you ever loved yourself so much that almost started to hate? I have.
Have you ever danced tango at the Rio De La Plata in Buenos Aires? Me neither.
Have you ever met Salinger? I wish I had.
And this is none of those famous post-partum issues that one might have. I think I have passed all that already. It is all just Leipzig Sunday weather making it blue.

 

Well, thing is that I am a big fat or real slim shady or whatever mum now. I have two months old baby. I hardly sleep at nights and in the morning, which starts at 5 am, I try to be smily and happy for my baby.
G-d, is life hard!
Happiness is hard too. I mean to keep being happy is. My point is we all have dreamt about happiness not even knowing what that could have been.
Suddenly I feel so exhausted I tell myself, Sophie, just hold on, this too shall pass (not my copyright definitely), just take it easy and GROW UP! Yes, I keep telling myself to grow up and stop being this wannabe Drew Barrymore character.
I try to be calm and good. I want to be calm and good as a matter of fact. I want to be happy and satisfied with life, I want to be tuned in with the environment around me which doesn't always work. It has never worked anyway.

I was reading "Franny and Zooey" to my baby boy the other day. He did not really seemed that interested for he fell asleep soon on my chest but I kept reading and reading, feeling for Franny and later for Zooey too. Isn't it crazy that no matter what these guys are always there on my Ikea bookshelf to cherish me and stand by me? IT IS!

Keep searching, Soph. Please go on.

Since then

I decided to open up all curtains after pocketful of rain and get down to blogging. Literally. There was quite a rain today in Leipzig.
It's been more than a month I've blogged and since then our life has changed for good.
Last post was published on 2nd of April and two days later, after all that water breaking story you have seen in movies, I gave birth to a tiny baby boy at Leipzig's Uniklinikum.
So that makes me a brand new mum.
Labour is tough. Even though my delivery was so quick you wouldn't believe; it still was painful and took me several weeks to get over it. I used to have nightmares and emotional outbursts such as crying about everything and feeling very tender. Some call it babyblues, some may call it postpartum thing and I call it - Sophieish nerves.

Chronologically:
on Wednesday morning (04.04.12) when my husband and I were to go shopping after breakfast and get a buggy, I woke up with terribly swollen feet and water flowing underneath. Not usual water as we all know from the movies, but different and much less than that.
I was due 20 days later and never in my mind did I expect baby to come so early, especially two days before Pesach. Not suitable time at all while we were not done with the festival cleaning. I did not want it to happen like that, I wanted to control my body, but ironically nobody can do that even me (man, this self-confidence is killing me!).
Even at the hospital when midwife was smiling and calming me down I did not believe I would give birth so early. Even then when baby stuck out his head and I thought this would never end I still thought it was too early and I would push him back if I could. Insane. I know.
Well, baby did not think so. He definitely had his reasons to break away and spend Pesach with his parents. It was difficult, but with G-d's help we managed it. My husband did his best shlepping all the yom tov food to the hospital (for food all the credit to Emma Chandalov and Tora Zentrum von Leipzig), we had our fresh family seders there and I would say it was the best time I have ever had.

Leipzig's Uniklinikum is very recommended to everyone who thinks can handle many people and keep nice to the medical students who come in and out checking baby's and your blood pressure, smiling and being very nice all the time, almost every hour. Everyone was so friendly and smily there, you would forget you're in Germany. It did not feel very hospitalish, let me tell you, rather homely.

Now it's been almost 6 weeks we've been home and break away baby's name is Ezra, giving tribute to Avraham Ybn Ezra's father and to Ezra haSofer that's been so inspiring all the way.
What else can I say?
Being mum is so personal. Everything is very private, sometimes hard, but still very sweet.

2012 Purim, Ok and that's all for now

This year's been full of changes and saying this I feel like deja vu all the time. I think since 2010 my life's been going through such changes that one may go crazy. As for myself - do not worry, never heard someone went in the same water twice as they say.

Anyway, Purim was good, but as every other festival, you wait for it forever and it lasts for a second, then the celebration is gone and you're left with the hope of next and better one. Oh, and loads of chametz to finish till Pesach.


Yes, I baked loads of Hamantaschen this year for Purim and hope people liked them. We had them for Shabbat dessert too and my husband thought they were good enough; since he's only fond of a Russian type of creamy-sweets and fat tarts, it sounded quite as a compliment.
Making Gozinaki did torture me though. I stayed up till late to make it proper so that one could've given away. You need patience to make a good Gozinaki, trust me as I come from "the land of nuts and honey". In the end it came out delicious indeed and hope, people who tried it did not regret knowing me.
That's how our Purim went.
We had this very extraordinary Purim hopping party where we visited three families of our community. Each one of them had a very original idea for food and drinks, there were Russian, Mexican and USA snacks. Very enjoyable, truly. I love Leipzig community more and more, relaxed and family-like, you can be in your shoes and be happy if you know what I mean. Usually it is always hard to stay in your shoes and not to try some fancier ones but the thing is I've always preferred my mainstream shoes to others' couture ones so I like Leipzig better than any other place I've ever lived; even in Tbilisi you get depressed about shoes and all the material crap that is. Well, it's not about the shoes you can always tell.
So right now I absolutely second east Germany.

Pesach is coming up so are some of my important dates and it makes me nervous how am I supposed to clean and prepare everything with my growing self? :) Then I just remember I should not worry and stress myself, but let it go and as I've read here, just feel OK, because when I am OK, everyone else around is OK too.
OK?

Safe?

It's been just fifteen minutes fast of 9th Av is over. My husband's not back from synagogue yet and I have time to blog sipping herbal tea and looking through my window.

Life in Leipzig is very quiet. Germany is very quiet country indeed, you hardly ever hear loud speech or arguments among people. Everyone lives their life, say cold hi to each other, then lock their doors behind and feel safe.

What's this "safe" though? Safe from being helpful to others? Safe from being disturbed by your fellows? Safe from giving attention to someone needy?
I don't need this kind of safety if you know what I mean.
And I realized this today when my husband and I went to the Leipzig Tora Zentrum to watch a movie about Ytzchak Zilber - the famous "refusnik" of the Soviet Union who left for Israel in early 70's and never stopped being an observant Jew.
After he was accused of being a G-dbeliever and "abusing" his children to observe commandments like not writing on Shabbat and not eating non-kosher food, many people advised him to deny his religious belief but one old lady told him: 'If you leave G-d, who would stay with Him then?'
He never left Him.

When you see or read stories like this you realize how easy our life is - nobody's telling us to leave the faith and sometimes we still feel so under pressure. I guess it is because we have been bombarded by the world media to live on our own, be 'safe' and never let anyone to disturb us.
Why do we disturb G-d all the time though?

When we answer that everything becomes clearer and hopefully never lock the doors behind our fellows.

Wishing all of you to rebuild its own temple, be loving, caring and thoughtful to the people around.

How's married life, Soph?

It's been almost a month we've been married.

Everyone keeps asking: so, Sophie, how's married life?

Like you don't know. Everything is sunny in my world.

Last year one of my friends got married and I heard everyone asking her how was her married life. Once she answered that it was kind of hard in the beginning to live with new person, get adjusted with new environment, new status and all. After a second I heard people saying, oh, their marriage is down the rocks, they must have some global [bedroom] problems... then other friend of mine got married and same questions were asked, she was just happily replying that marriage was the best thing and there was nothing like being home loving the husband. She was considered as husband-loving-freak with no global problems though. Thank Heavens!

So when my time had come, I decided not to answer questions like this or just suggest people to get themselves married.

Everything is as you make it. You want your marriage work - you do it. Word "love" has the same meaning as "giving" in Hebrew, in some languages "giving" is not considered quite something people are eager to do especially with the catholic world scaring everyone off.

Marriage is loving without thinking of reward; just believing in your soul-mate, judging him positively, showing warmth and giving a smile, making him feel you are always there for him. No matter you are Jewish Orthodox or secular one next block, you want to make it happen? So don't let the system get you down - love, love, love and don't be afraid to show it.

Someone told me once - I was the most grateful person ever seen and since then I realized I had to be even more for I've got all I need from G-d.
This is my married life - all I need.

Crazy lioness in Leipzig

This Shabbat I spent in Leipzig with the other Midrasha girls. It was assfreezing cold as I call it. Before the train came Liora and I were running up and down the stairs to keep warm. Plus we had woken up at 6 in order to get at the train station on time so you can imagine how much colder we felt. Anyway.
The story goes like this: It takes an hour to get to Leipzig. It was freezing cold (I know I've already said it but can't stop really) and the snow unbearable. We left our luggage at the youth centre where we were to stay for Shabbat and head to the Panoramic Museum. This museum is outstanding (my new favourite word), staff very smily and friendly, I even practiced my German with one of them. Oh, and what we saw was Amazonia - giant trees, millions of species of butterflies which live in the Amazon jungles, different plants and flowers, my lovely poisonous frogs, bugs and all you could wish. Amazonia became my place to go for honeymoon. No kidding. Who can be better to go there with but your husband anyway?

As for Shabbat - it was nice as usual. We had lots of laugh, nice food, singing and little melancholy. I always feel melancholy wherever I go. I mean, sometimes I just can't explain my feelings. Torah does explain it all, but I am not in the mood to write about it. This melancholy will last until I am with THE person who I can be silent with and not talk. Talking spoils it all I believe. Why should we speak and show off our intellect, our knowledge in this and that, wouldn't it be nicer to look at each other, smile and go to Amazonia?


Found this photo of Drew Barrymore which is from one of her best movies "Grey Gardens" and it just reminded myself getting back from Leipzig, looking out the train window and wondering, where am I going and who am I? Am I ever going to answer these questions? I really, truly long for Mashiach to come. This eternal wandering (you can read it as wOndering as well) is killing me.

Have a good week!!! Never mind what I write here, I'll be just fine in a minute. I am this crazy lioness who groans and roars, but in the end of the day turns into sweet and caring one sitting on the couch :)