The Caprocorn Mood

It's so easy to be a philosopher, while sitting warm and cozy in your room not having to face mundane problems or annoying people, who bug you all the time.
It's so easy to watch others from afar and remain calm and nice person, isn't it?

BUT it's very hard to be in the midst of people, handling emotions, giving, getting and still remain sane and content.

I think that's where I am now. I get so emotionally drenched that sometimes I act like a neurotic woman of Woody Allen. It's nobody's fault, that's how the system works, doesn't it?

Well, once again, I am this dreamy Capricorn who was born to be a philosopher but is forced to work.

Little Birdie

Little birdie, little birdie, where do you come from, then?
Looked for crumble, for some crumble but nothing was there. 

German Children Song (with my rough translation)

This little sweet German song about a Little Birdie, that has been looking for a crumble, but could not find any because of Winter, has become so close to my heart lately. 

My big boy learnt it at the Kindergarten and when he came home singing it, and I looked up for the lyrics, I knew right away, that was my song of this period of life.

Not that I am a little in any sense of this word, quite the opposite; especially the ego. Oh, man!

No. It's just I am looking for a crumble too. I feel so spiritually hungry sometimes, so lonely that only thing I can relate to is this Kleine Meise, Little Birdie.

Having such a huge history behind, and ahead. Having the gold as they say and still looking for a silver? Not really. I am fine and settled with my spirituality, but I don't understand everything and I don't do it with joy. I struggle a lot while knowing what I have to do is right and I wouldn't do it any other way, but just having this "must" really makes it harder. And it should be that way too, I know very well. Nothing comes easy, at least for me. 

And for anyone, I guess. It's just we always think others live easier than us without knowing their hearts and souls.

I saw this video of hilarious Rivka Malka the other day and it stayed in my mind forever (now I could not find the exact video, but all her videos are worth of watching). She said, we can never be in other person's shoes, because we have never experienced what the other one has. We have never had the same childhood, upbringing, struggles with other people. Although we can share and relate, be empathic and even feel some of the feelings actually, we'll never be able to fully understand others' woes. 

I mean, I have tried but what I always think is how would I do it, how would I react and cope with it, not how other one could, because I can't know the hormonal changes in others.

Just start talking about something with people and you will get absolutely different answers from everyone, different views, even different understanding of the "obvious" (for you) question.

This used to frustrate me: how could that be, I say this and it's received in that way while I meant it this way?

I am sure everyone had this experience.

So I won't be frustrated if someone calls me saying, lady, what Little Birdie are you talking about? Are you cold? Put on some coat and drink a hot tea with lemon.

Not cold at all.

I Will Try To Like You

I want to like people.
I've always been saying that I love people, but sometimes I don't.
And I judge others a lot. Not aloud obviously, but just for myself.
I judge and label people by the way they talk, dress, walk... I judge their education, their manners... I even snob people, who seem to be shallow and stupid.
Who am I to judge though? Why?

Then I realise, probably others judge me too. People probably dislike the way I talk, laugh, dress, wrap my head, express my opinions...
And then it gets easier :-D
I mean, we're all human. All we can do is to strive to become better person.
Once you don't take yourself very seriously and laugh at some traits you have, you stop judging others and begin to accept them the way they are (or just ignore them?).

You don't have to change the world, but yourself and the world will change eventually. I am not the first to say this, but it feels good I came to this at some point.

So, friends and foes, haha, don't get too nervous about yourselves! I still like you (or not much) no matter what. I will try not to judge you, I will, bezrat Hashem, because I do not know what is going on in your hearts and what struggle you are having.

I will just focus to improve my myself.

May this be a little step forward for this month of Elul and elevating for Rosh Hashanah.

Love,

Sophie

No Racism! Or Integration without assimilation

My student neighbours are big supporters of #NoPegida. What can I say, I was student too and I also had idealistic dreams of living in a tolerant and free world. My student neighbours claim that the World should be Bunt (colourful). I agree with them. I have always believed that every man has a right to live wherever he wants to and that is why I live here too. Because this is the place where I feel comfortable.

This means, that I should make others feel comfortable too, especially people who this land belong to. As they received me, accepted me and let me live here and have benefits, so I have to respect it.
I have to respect this country, its people, its culture, its religion and try to integrate.

I am not going to discuss, who is right or wrong. I won't say who's enemy and who's not, because it is just politics. I hate politics, politicians and provocative mass media. 
I don't like caricaturists, because if they mocked Islam yesterday, they will mock Jews tomorrow; and they have done it many times in the near past, you can google the Dreyfus case and see.

Although it doesn't mean, if somebody mocks your religion, you go and blow them up. Only insecure people do that. If you are a true believer and you are sure that nobody can harm your faith, no stupid media can abuse your sacraments, you will just feel pity about those G-dless people and walk away.
Or not.
Better educate yourself and your nation, take care of your country, care more about your people and nourish them instead of sending them to death.

I mentioned integration above. We had a talk about integration with my friends of different faith, and we all came to conclusion that integration does not mean assimilation. We should be faithful to our religion, don't forget the language, traditions, avoid intermarriages, but not shove all this on other people.

It is Europe after all with its own traditions whether we like it or not.

I wish there was peace and everyone lived happily and securely in its home country, because nobody would've left its home for a strange land...

20 - 30 - - 40

Right!

I turned 30 last week. 30, people, is not a joke.
Although I remember like yesterday when I turned 20 and threw a pajama party, invited my girlfriends and had this deep, spiritual couch talk about different things: what we wanted to be, how we wanted to leave a trail in this world and where we wanted to go to fulfill our calling. We were so young, fresh and full of idealism.
I hoped and almost believed I would be that kind of journalist, who saves the world; my childhood friend thought she would get married soon and have bunch of kids, the other one wanted to travel the world, fourth one of our gang just hoped she would finish her studies and find a good job to rent a flat and move out from her parents'.

So, where are we now?

You know about me, being big fat Mama Sophie - wife of the most Yiddishe man in the world, mum of two naughty boys with Biblical names, and daughter of the most liberal and intelligent lady in the world. I am basically stay-at-home mama, cooking, baking, yelling, often singing and dancing with my children; also naturally bossing around like every mum, who has to do so or things will not be as she wants them to be.

As for my childhood friend, who wanted to get married right away, she hasn't got married yet (no kids either), but she works very hard and is happy about it. The "traveler" one is happily married with one baby girl and second child on its way soon, she hasn't traveled anywhere since then ;-) and the fourth one, indeed found a good job and all, but she hasn't left her parents' yet because her dad got sick, soon passed away and she decided to stay home and comfort her mum.

These are our stories. Very realistic, down to earthly, nobody saving a planet, nobody conquering the Everest, but - living the life as it came down to us, you know?
Most of the times that's how it is, isn't it?
We never know how we "end up", because at 20 none of us can be aware of what is really GOOD for us. In GOOD, I mean, what is right and logical. Priorities change so easily.
And I am a big believer of GOOD things, you know that ;-) I believe everything has its reasons and seasons, if I could put it this way. My people and I don't believe in coincidences. Hashem's will is in EVERYTHING.
Even Jesus Christ knew that, who rebelled against us (oh, happy birthday, by the way :-) Jesus and I are both stubborn Capricorns, aren't we?) and yet all he said is a mere paraphrasing of Jewish Prophets (see Isaiah and Jeremiah) and the Talmud.

Anyway.
I like that I am this old.
30 seemed so old, when I was 20. I thought it was the end of fun, and actually it is :lol: not for everyone, but for the "real slim shady mum" like me, because I don't care much about anything else, but my family nowadays; surely I do about parents, relatives, friends and then comes the world. 20 year old Sophie wouldn't believe in that, but 30 year old one strongly does.

I like that I can look back and see that so many things have happened in my life. There's much more good coming, I know, but the past was ok too, thank G-d. It was hard, but it helped me to appreciate the life afterwards.
I grew up in dark 90's of Post Soviet Georgia and did my homework like Jane Austen in the light of diesel lamp, because electricity was a luxury then and we had it scheduled, couple of hours in the morning and 3-4 hours in the evening. I know, it sounds bizarre now (probably not for most 3rd world countries), but that's how it was. I studied hard, because only that could help me in life. And probably that was/is something that I've been good at, rather G-d made me that way.
School, University... and then came traveling...
Then the Spiritual Quest...

Then Him.

Him again.

:-)

Chuppah.
Love.
Children.
Crazy busy Mama life still in progress.

I think I am fine with all.
So, yeah, it actually does take 30 years to have things figured out and realised who you are, what you want and where you need to be.
Now I can't wait till I am 40 :-D

All the credit and thanks go to the great Creator of the World. Baruch Ata Hashem!!!

Have a nice week!!!

Ramblings Of A Mum At Her Last 29+

This evening, when I was putting my son to bed (and it took me more than half an hour, because of his resistance like every other toddler hating to sleep and endlessly asking for water, for toilet and etc), and suddenly started thinking about my childhood friends, relatives, places that I have been and loved. Then I really felt that I miss all that so much.
That authenticity. Authenticity of youth years, of friendship, of relationships that form your character and future too.
I started to miss visiting my friends, whose families I was close with and I would always stay with them for dinner.
I can't remember single friend of mine, whom I have visited and left without dinner.
That is all about my tiny lovely country Georgia. Yes, the incredible Georgian hospitality is not a myth. It is true from the beginning to the end. People will open up for you, they will feed you, will give you to drink, they will sacrifice their last piece of bread, but will never upset a guest.

This tradition is given from G-d to my people (I am so lucky having TWO nations). The first and the most hospitable man was Abraham, who would sit out of his tent and wait for anyone to appear, so he could feed the traveler, let him rest and talk to him about One Creator.

That is Georgia.
Hospitality, being friendly, open, HUMANE.

I have never seen anything like that in other countries. And believe me, I have visited not few.
Staying for dinner?

Once I was invited to a friend's house in Europe, who threw a big party. I came with my other friend, because I couldn't leave her alone, plus I thought it wouldn't make much difference, since the friend who was throwing a party, was a really rich one. Well, it did :-( she told me right away that she didn't expect me to bring a friend too and I should've told her before.
I was so disappointed, I could cry.

Because I come from Georgia and bringing your uninvited friend to a party is not a problem at all. Hosts will welcome everyone same. The poorer man is, the kinder heart he has.

So why am I writing this anyway?
I just wish I had friends here too that I could visit spontaneously, just dropping by for some tea and staying for dinner, then coming over and making pajama party just like that. I miss that.
I realise, times change, like we all do and you can't always be carefree and wild.
I am almost 30 and so are most of my childhood friends obviously. We try to catch up online, but it doesn't really work. We still lose the closeness, we lose the important moments even though we share them via social media.

I think I wish I were as hospitable as Abraham. I wish I were as kind as Rebeccah who gave Eliezer and his camels to drink, I wish I were as selfless as Rachel Imeinu, who didn't think twice to save her sister's dignity and gave up her love for it... I wish I were as humble as Moses, as peaceful as Aaron... and I could go on without ending, because all our forefathers- and mothers were special.
So when hard times come up and I feel like I cannot take anymore, because some things are just too hard for my post feminist and socialist self, then I remember all those people, their good deeds, their efforts so we could still live and remember who is ABOVE us, it gets easier. Not very much, but little easier than before.

I am this 29,5 year old mama who never got away from her Salinger-y self. Don't think I ever will ;-)

Eternal War

I've been having hate-hate-hate thing about blogging and internet in general lately. I know it is all about me, but I feel like I don't want to open up and write, while there are so many unsaid issues that really bother and eat me from the inside.

Summer of 2014 has been quite tough. First, we had terrible weather, no sun almost all summer long, temperature never went above 25°C, and I felt like I was sitting in a sort of a bell jar. Not literally, but in a way.

Second, people continue disappointing me and I, once again, take it very close to my heart, which I should not, because I am almost 30, mum of two and all that, that qualify (should?) me as a responsible and intelligent adult. I know this is the longest sentence that is advised not for a blog, but do I seem to care about such details? Exactly.

Third, Israel has been in war. Imagine, or just check Israel on a map and then think of the media blast that was going on through whole summer. It was like some BIG country was terrorising another big one, ok, smaller one. Gaza, people, Gaza, is like a little tumour in Israel's brain and still, it took so many lives and so much weapon to demilitarise that small region, wipe out some terrorists (not sure about that) and lose soldiers, who left young widows and small children, who need their dads so badly.

So, that is why I hated internet last Summer, and probably hated people too. It is us, people, doing wrong, killing, abusing, hurting each other, because we have lost our morality, we have lost our humane spirit and the so-called image of G-d is something that is doubtable, really.
All right, not really of course, how could I deny anything that Torah says, but in reality, at least last Summer proved otherwise.

I wish I could write here that I hope everything will get better and there will be peace, we shall all live in a friendly and warm environment, but sorry, I cannot say that because it is impossible. We probably never will.
If you look through world history, there have been nothing but wars and wars, blood shedding, pogroms, revolutions, more blood shedding, more wars, more tears, more pogroms...

Life is so temporary, like us humans, only war is eternal - be it either internal or external :-(

Lie

Yesterday somebody tweeted this photo of a little Iraqi girl who drew her mum and then lied in her like an embryo. So moving and heartbreaking. I didn't think twice to retweet it.

Then suddenly it stroke me that I was influenced by media. By that very media I hate so much - prejudicial,Western, immoral and mindnumbing.
First, look at the drawing (especially the haircover bow, no way a child could've drawn it so accurately), I don't think girl of this age could have drawn that. It rather looks like a cartoon woman from Marjane Satrapi's books.
Second, this heartbreaking and moving shot is SO very Western, particularly American, that makes me sick. In American, I mean pseudo-emotional images that are pushed on us through Hollywood and media again. Things that have no value and still make us believe they do.

You know how tolerant I am and how I love people, but this photo was too much.
Such a lie.

If someone ever cared for this Iraqi girl (if she really is the one to have drawn her mum) they would never let the war break out - they would never destroy millions of people's lives. They wouldn't get billions from selling the weapon to kill people, to violate their rights and to make them homeless, helpless and orphan. They would never abuse prisoners, never break down the great antiquity of Babilon.
Now please, stop fooling us, especially emotional mums like me, because we can use our brains if/when we need to.

Decisions, negotiations and other "lifely" things

At this point of my life I am happy, but pretty concerned about my professional future. What do I want to do next? Have another baby or finish my German course to approve my bachelor's diploma and get the master's degree? Having another baby and being pregnant is actually not an obstacle at all, while I have done all my courses when I was pregnant with Ezra, thing is, after I had a baby I couldn't study any more. I was too overwhelmed and tired. Plus, I wanted to bond with my baby and get used to my new role.
BUT mostly I care about my health - would it be ok to give another go and let hormones lead me so soon? Thing is I am 28 and I really want to have many children, at least 4, and I wouldn't like to have them after 35, so who knows, perhaps this is perfect age.
(Honestly, one more thing that puts me off is wanting to pee all the time when you're pregnant. I still have to get up several times at night to give Ezra pacifier or nurse him, and now to have this need of going to toilet every two hours, doesn't attract me at all.)

Now Ezra's 10 months old, quite a character and as my friend described, perfect first child - refusing to be put down or left alone to play by himself, cuddling and climbing on mum all the time.
As soon as he's able to walk and be more independent, I want him to go to the kindergarten. There is tiny little kindergarten run by the Leipzig community where all our friends' children go and have good time, I believe. Since I've never gone to kindergarten myself, I really would like Ezra to go, make friends and be social. He is very social indeed, loves people, watching them and "singing" to them, but being in kindergarten must be harder - it's first school for the child where he has to win his place and develop friendship with other kids, or fight and scare them off just like I used to do and my mum had to leave that idea of me and kindergarten and found a nanny for me.
I hope it'll be different with Ezra and he will love it.

Yes, life is all about decisions and negotiations which distract me sometimes. There are times when I just want to relax and think about nothing, then I realise once more I am grown up and I can't just relax that easily. Those old times are gone for good (and I regret not) and I am adjusted as much as possible of being a good wife and mother.
All right, I get frustrated too every now and then. But then I remember what my favourite teacher's wife has once told me: "judge people favourably and be sure that husband, or children never want to hurt you purposely, they love you dearly and if something unpleasant ever happens, it's not because they are mean, but because you need to talk more and give more to each other." -- this is something I often remind myself and always works.

Have a nice week!!!

Learning to love

I think I am learning to love. It's weird to realize that it took me 27 years to learn how to love.
Ezra taught me. When I look into his eyes and see my reflection, I know that even if I failed in my career and never found the job I wanted, I have got him.

It's not always that easy though. Ezra and I went to supermarket yesterday and met my mother in law outside the train station. When we stepped on the escalator to go down where that supermarket is, we talked. Suddenly some afroamerican man started to shout at us. It appeared that he was standing behind us and because I took little more time to move Ezra's stroller over, I blocked his way. Man, was he rude. He definitely heard us talking in different language and realized we weren't Germans, that's how he got chutzpa to shout. I did not tell him anything back. I felt awful. You know why? First thing that came to my mind was the line from O'Henry's story where the Doc tells to the Yankee: "You freed our slaves and fought with them against us". I am the least intolerant or racist person but I absolutely shared the anger of the Doc about freeing the slaves. I know one single stupid man doesn't mean anything but you must be very cruel and evil to shout at the woman with the baby.
Note well, that Germans, especially old people in a public transport or shops have been extremely nice to me and Ezra so far.
So when people complain about Germans, I often tell them that they haven't done anything worse [to the Jews] than other nations (e.g. Spanish inquisition, Ukrainian kazaks with Khmelnitsky or Bandera...), they were just better organized as they always are.
I live in Germany since 2009 and have never faced any racial problems with Germans, but emigrants/immigrants have been ruder very often.

So yesterday I did not love people. I hated one of them.

I've always been an advocate for racial or religious tolerance. I've always been saying that the world belongs to each and every human being, therefore one can choose to live wherever one would like to. I have indeed lived in various countries of Europe and even though some say Europeans tend to be racists, I've never had any problems with this for local people were always very nice to me.
Now I'm hesitating about supporting emigration. I even doubt if the whole world is ours and we can live anywhere...
This time I felt so small realizing that I don't actually have country of my own. Neither I speak the national language nor am I citizen of it which makes me somewhat of an alien, doesn't it?
I wrote to a friend in Georgia the other day saying that we will probably never know what it's like living in a normal democratic country, happy and peaceful, we are such poor offspring of post-soviet utopia.

Eretz Israel.
Eretz Israel.
Eretz Israel.
When are we going to go back home, Dad? Are we at all?

So, I stopped loving the world right away. Our sages were so wise advising, first, learn to love your close ones, your nation and then go loving and saving the world.
I am not saving it anymore!
I am learning to love myself and my people properly.

27 mirrors

I looked in the mirror this evening and noticed wrinkles on my forehead. It felt so old, I cannot even describe. I felt like I've lived thousands of years and still more coming while I am already old and wrinkly lady. It's funny actually. I am not that old, am I?
27 is the age of beautiful death, but no worries I do neither drugs nor rock'n roll. I used to wish I did, but now I think that is ridiculous. Everything is stupid but family. Nothing is worth in this life but loving and let be loved, have babies and spread more love.
Do I sound like John Lennon? Stop war make love-ish or something, I know.

I did not mean to post tonight at all. This blog has become just dwelling place for me where I could come and hide into its caves, you know what I mean. Few people ever read it so I feel like looking in the mirror and this time not feeling old, but strong and beautiful. All right, I still have some weight to lose after childbirth, have to buy some good creams to perish the wrinkles maybe, smile when Ezra fusses and let him know that I am his mum forever, and he can count on me anytime.

I responded the e-mails I had received over a month ago and realized that put my soul into them. Sometimes I wish I received the letters/e-mails as soulful as my own. I used to receive ones from one special girl from Osnabruck and then she quit because I could never find time to answer properly and now feel very bad about that. Isn't it sad that we usually forget/ignore/hurt people who deserve much more than others?

I wish I was a good, altruistic kind of person. Or maybe I don't wish it honestly and all I really care about is to look in the mirror and feel good about myself and only. Don't we all want that actually? Feel good about ourselves? That's when we're happy expressing what we are or what we want to be.
I guess I need vacations. I need more time with my husband. I need the sea, and the starry night that makes you forget everything including mirrors and 27 wrinkles on one's forehead.

Last mirror and I am gone.

Never drew away!!!

Everybody knows how I love Drew Barrymore, and why I love her. She probably is one of the very few Hollywood personalities that does not play diva and is always simple. She turned 37 today, still 10 years senior and imagine, I grew up watching her movies and feeling for her when she used to go through hard times in her life.

Drew is a dream sister, isn't she?

What's also very admirable in her that she knows how to dress according her age and been there and done that, she doesn't show much of a flesh nowadays. I love people who grow and develop, who learn from life and don't let it bring them down.

I truly hope and pray that this year's going to be marvelous for Drew and her fiance, hope their relationship will work for good and they will have happy marriage; will have many healthy children and Drew will be as accomplished mother as a person she is!!!


P.S. Watched her on Ellen and I loved her saying about her fiance that he is a very good man. Not showing off too much love and how this and that they are, but just saying he's a good man :) he'd better be.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DREW!!!

Isaiah

Sometimes we have such calm and relaxing Shabbat I absolutely forget the outside world and just immerse myself in my warm home.
This morning I had time to read the weekly parshah "shmot" and its haftarah which was from Isaiah. The latter prophets tend to sadden me: Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ovadiah, but this week's haftarah was not that depressing. It was about the redeemer, theme of hope and rejoice.

Who are we hoping for? Do we really believe that the messiah could really help? Can he really change the social rules or make our economy better? Are we just too infantile to long for the warm motherly chest where you feel so safe you would never leave it if you knew the harshness of the world.
This is hard to understand.

I think the redeemer is inside us. Each one of us was born to carry its burden and not to give in. Yes, sometimes it might get unbearable and you feel so weak you wish you could scream and shout and bring the messiah right away. It does not happen that way though. It never will.
I remember we had amazing Rabbi Osher Baddiel last year visiting the midrasha and giving quite intellectual shiurim about Mashiach. That's what he also said quoting Rambam. Mashiach is not someone who comes and takes away all your debts, or makes water into wine. He could be anything and anyone. He is not to come and make the world easier place to live. No. The world has been designed the way it is, Adam and Eve had done what they could to make our lives extravagant and now it is all up to us to live it. To change what's been done and make the world better place.

What is the WORLD though?

Outside world is nothing that impresses me lately.
I am building this little sunny world inside. You can't change anything without changing yourself, or at least trying to.

Last year was so full of emotions and making decisions, long distance relationship, engagement, wedding, new place, new people... new environment; new him and me. And as it usually happens - loads and loads of people watching you, discussing you, wondering about your life and asking questions forgetting to respect your privacy.
Then, behold, as they say in old books: I realized this is also a part of my life. Part of my searching of the messiah that is none other but us.
Yes, life is meant to be complicated because only then you understand the importance of your people, uniqueness of the person G-d has given you, and last but not least - yourself - all grown up and still growing, groaning and moaning like an old lioness seeking justice and peace.

Safe?

It's been just fifteen minutes fast of 9th Av is over. My husband's not back from synagogue yet and I have time to blog sipping herbal tea and looking through my window.

Life in Leipzig is very quiet. Germany is very quiet country indeed, you hardly ever hear loud speech or arguments among people. Everyone lives their life, say cold hi to each other, then lock their doors behind and feel safe.

What's this "safe" though? Safe from being helpful to others? Safe from being disturbed by your fellows? Safe from giving attention to someone needy?
I don't need this kind of safety if you know what I mean.
And I realized this today when my husband and I went to the Leipzig Tora Zentrum to watch a movie about Ytzchak Zilber - the famous "refusnik" of the Soviet Union who left for Israel in early 70's and never stopped being an observant Jew.
After he was accused of being a G-dbeliever and "abusing" his children to observe commandments like not writing on Shabbat and not eating non-kosher food, many people advised him to deny his religious belief but one old lady told him: 'If you leave G-d, who would stay with Him then?'
He never left Him.

When you see or read stories like this you realize how easy our life is - nobody's telling us to leave the faith and sometimes we still feel so under pressure. I guess it is because we have been bombarded by the world media to live on our own, be 'safe' and never let anyone to disturb us.
Why do we disturb G-d all the time though?

When we answer that everything becomes clearer and hopefully never lock the doors behind our fellows.

Wishing all of you to rebuild its own temple, be loving, caring and thoughtful to the people around.

It's never over

Oh, Lenny, Lenny... not that you are someone special or anything... it is all about your voice and sensual songs full of emotions, little teasing and smooth as hell; as if hell was supposed to be smooth. How can you tell what is hell like? Has anyone ever returned from there? There is no hell, people, no heaven either - it is all about wandering and wondering in and out of your head. Life's never over till it's REALLY over...

"Even the righteous suffer when G-d punishes the wicked" - Radak comments on this week's Haftarah and it is just about on time to comfort me.

Unappeased yearning to return

The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.

Milan Kundera ("Ignorance")

Yes, I've been there. I've been to Prague - the city of melancholy, writers, lost artists, beautiful people, golden beer and me. I was there and did not even see Milan Kundera. I was there and could not even tell anyone how much this means to me, how happy I was being there and breathing the same cold air with my dear book characters. I grew up reading about these people, I felt what Kundera felt, I was dreaming about them back home in Tbilisi sitting on my orange couch, reading, reading and then writing endlessly... This trip was most nostalgic and sad for me. Prague reminded me of Tbilisi a little and made me realize that I am lonely. Lonely in sense of belonging to no place, finding no serenity anywhere and always fading.

This journey showed me who I really am, and it scared me.
In a good way though. I am a human. Oh, so human.

The friend of mine tried to realize why was I sad and felt so odd. I could not tell. Sometimes I become numb. I only feel what I feel and cannot explain.

I just need to know there are eyes caring about me.
Eyes. Hands. Mind. Heart. Soul and everything. Everything. I need to have it all.
It is not only about Prague - it is about me and my state of mind.

Take a breath

Voice is not back yet, but attitude is better. I woke up this morning hoping that would be able to speak but still could not. I felt like I could talk really, throat was not sore anymore, but my voice still harsh.

Trying to write a letter (a real letter) to a friend who cheered me up yesterday, read stories to me and I felt like I was little sick child who is so lonely and away home; only thing that makes her happy is a "radio" with dear voice. I wanted to say how happy I was and how safe I felt listening to it. It is unbelievable when you don't need to speak but listen and let it be.
So I decided to write a letter and have even started when one girl came into my room and wanted to talk, asked loads of questions of course. Why do people always try to get something out of you even if you can't talk? They just love to know all about others' lives, don't they?
And why am I so indifferent about others' lives? Does it make me too self-centered? Maybe it does. I don't want to know what others do, how they live - it is all up to them. I love people the way they are and I don't want to dig in their minds. I want to live my own life without manuals if you know what I mean. I actually do. Who could have thought that I would have lost my voice and someone would read stories to me? What kind of manual could have predicted that anyway?..

I suddenly miss Lila - my cousin and best friend. I miss how we used to sit in my kitchen - she would drink coffee and I - tea. We would talk about kinky things, about boys, love, music, movies. We would laugh and be happy. I would love to sit with her in any kitchen now and talk till midnight.
It's like my friend often says that nothing is like just talking about simple things.

Drop the philosophy, live life and laugh.

I love you, Lila.
And thinking of you, dear friend of mine.

Lost In Silence

Mary Pickford (the silent movie star) - muse of the day

I have lost my voice completely. I am so sore and sad. I feel like the world is crashing down on me. I can't talk. I can only whisper and feel like that girl from Hans Christian Andersen's story who had to keep quiet and knit nettle jumpers for her bewitched brothers.

I know there must be some reason of my losing voice but I just can't think of it. What does my subconscious wants to say? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

I was so happy yesterday, and grateful to G-d for everything. Today I also realize and thank Hashem even more for how much He has given me even though my voice is taken away.
If only you could imagine how it feels.
I am not that free after all, am I? I can't even breathe and talk as I would like to. Life is so ironic, so tough and rough. And people are even worse, asking slyly: Oh, Sophie, who were you shouting at yesterday that your voice got lost? Isn't that just mean and f-ing nasty? Everyone thinks they should know all about your life so then they can discuss about it. I am so mad. I am. I cannot even give my witty replies to them. Only one who does not ask questions is my room-mate Liora, she just gave me medicines and showed me she's there for me.

Actually it is very good lesson for me which will teach me patience, keeping silent and being humble.
So take it easy, Soph, just smile and be happy because everything is for good. Your voice will be back on time and you'll have so much wisdom you won't need to lose it again - be patient and nice!

Listening to ''The Goo Goo Dolls".

Love, Health, Tennis

I love health. I love healthy people. I love healthy food. I love healthy attitude.
The SUN is healthy. The nature is healthy. The Water is healthy.

TENNIS IS HEALTHY.

Gosh, how I adore these suntanned players with their individual characters, strength and even weaknesses. Just check out:

Rafael Nadal and Kim Clijsters

90's beauties Martina Hingis and Anna Kournikova

Little Miss Sunshine: Caroline Wozniacki

Tough and rough Serena Williams

Athletic beauty Jelena Jankovich

Screamer Maria Sharapova

Last but definitely not least: Roger Federer - strong, smart, funny and true gentleman

Childhood friend

Под копни волос проникнет ли удар?
Мысль
одна под волосища вложена:
"Причесиваться? Зачем же?!
На время не стоит труда,
а вечно
причесанным быть
невозможно".

I wish I could translate this poem of Vladimir Mayakovsky in English. I used to translate some of his lyrics in Georgian when I was sophomore at university. Maybe I will one day. This one is about why combing one's hair when you can't remain combed forever... it is all about you, what's in your head. At least that's what I think Mayakovsky meant.

I have been connected to Mayakovsky since childhood - the office where my mother worked was facing his huge monument. He was standing there in the rain and sunshine with his strict face, big feet and with the cloud in his pants I guess (облако в штанах). And I was walking by him everyday after school, thinking whether it was his hat around his head or his hair. Now I believe it was the hat.
There is nothing like childhood memories, is there? Probably that's when my love to Russian poetry began and I was meant to live this life of wanderer, searching for the truth. What else is poetry than searching on and on.

Mayakovsky was born in Georgia indeed. I guess that's why he had got this bold attitude. Ok, I have this little nationalist thing about my country, but face it - Georgia is this tiny winy country caught in the middle between huge Russia and Turkey, and still lots of famous and talented people were born there, who excelled in arts, politics and etc. So there is something about the land even if you were just born there you have got passion and attitude in your bones.
If so, one may ask, why did Mayakovsky and I leave that country in the end? Perhaps we wanted to miss it more, to feel it more and to dream of it in our violet dreams.

Honestly, life is very prosaic as my mother loved to say when I was younger, and I never understood it. Life is what you make it. Life is yours, only yours. It is not about poetry or proses, it is about individuals - sunshine and thunder.
My life is not that. It is a movie :)