מזל טוב, עזרא!!!

My firstborn is 3 since Pessach. It's such an emotional age for me. I feel as if I had him yesterday, little baby with long fingers and thin legs. My first baby, who rocked my world and changed me for good.
My Ezra - little helper with big heart and mind.
My Ezra, the one and only Ezra in the world (for me of course)!!!

Baruch Hashem for him, baruch Hashem for my second born too. Baruch Hashem for everything. Thank You, G-d! Be our guide as always!
May there be peace and joy in the world. May no child experiences pain or loss, may children be happy and carefree knowing there are their mums and dads waiting for them, never letting them down.

I wish health to my big boy, then will power to overcome yetzer hara and never stop developing his good midos (character traits). May you be as great as your namesake Ezra and take us out of galus with your dear brother Aaron, who has this lovely name not by coincidence at all :-)
אמן!!!

20 - 30 - - 40

Right!

I turned 30 last week. 30, people, is not a joke.
Although I remember like yesterday when I turned 20 and threw a pajama party, invited my girlfriends and had this deep, spiritual couch talk about different things: what we wanted to be, how we wanted to leave a trail in this world and where we wanted to go to fulfill our calling. We were so young, fresh and full of idealism.
I hoped and almost believed I would be that kind of journalist, who saves the world; my childhood friend thought she would get married soon and have bunch of kids, the other one wanted to travel the world, fourth one of our gang just hoped she would finish her studies and find a good job to rent a flat and move out from her parents'.

So, where are we now?

You know about me, being big fat Mama Sophie - wife of the most Yiddishe man in the world, mum of two naughty boys with Biblical names, and daughter of the most liberal and intelligent lady in the world. I am basically stay-at-home mama, cooking, baking, yelling, often singing and dancing with my children; also naturally bossing around like every mum, who has to do so or things will not be as she wants them to be.

As for my childhood friend, who wanted to get married right away, she hasn't got married yet (no kids either), but she works very hard and is happy about it. The "traveler" one is happily married with one baby girl and second child on its way soon, she hasn't traveled anywhere since then ;-) and the fourth one, indeed found a good job and all, but she hasn't left her parents' yet because her dad got sick, soon passed away and she decided to stay home and comfort her mum.

These are our stories. Very realistic, down to earthly, nobody saving a planet, nobody conquering the Everest, but - living the life as it came down to us, you know?
Most of the times that's how it is, isn't it?
We never know how we "end up", because at 20 none of us can be aware of what is really GOOD for us. In GOOD, I mean, what is right and logical. Priorities change so easily.
And I am a big believer of GOOD things, you know that ;-) I believe everything has its reasons and seasons, if I could put it this way. My people and I don't believe in coincidences. Hashem's will is in EVERYTHING.
Even Jesus Christ knew that, who rebelled against us (oh, happy birthday, by the way :-) Jesus and I are both stubborn Capricorns, aren't we?) and yet all he said is a mere paraphrasing of Jewish Prophets (see Isaiah and Jeremiah) and the Talmud.

Anyway.
I like that I am this old.
30 seemed so old, when I was 20. I thought it was the end of fun, and actually it is :lol: not for everyone, but for the "real slim shady mum" like me, because I don't care much about anything else, but my family nowadays; surely I do about parents, relatives, friends and then comes the world. 20 year old Sophie wouldn't believe in that, but 30 year old one strongly does.

I like that I can look back and see that so many things have happened in my life. There's much more good coming, I know, but the past was ok too, thank G-d. It was hard, but it helped me to appreciate the life afterwards.
I grew up in dark 90's of Post Soviet Georgia and did my homework like Jane Austen in the light of diesel lamp, because electricity was a luxury then and we had it scheduled, couple of hours in the morning and 3-4 hours in the evening. I know, it sounds bizarre now (probably not for most 3rd world countries), but that's how it was. I studied hard, because only that could help me in life. And probably that was/is something that I've been good at, rather G-d made me that way.
School, University... and then came traveling...
Then the Spiritual Quest...

Then Him.

Him again.

:-)

Chuppah.
Love.
Children.
Crazy busy Mama life still in progress.

I think I am fine with all.
So, yeah, it actually does take 30 years to have things figured out and realised who you are, what you want and where you need to be.
Now I can't wait till I am 40 :-D

All the credit and thanks go to the great Creator of the World. Baruch Ata Hashem!!!

Have a nice week!!!

Still so much to achieve - Hasta La Victoria Siempre?

In 2011 I had almost everything planned including wedding and pregnancy. I had made notes that I'd do this and that at this or that time, and I actually made it. There were even things coming true that I had in mind, but did not quite long for so for 2012 I made no plans whatsoever. Probably that's why it was most complicated and spontaneous year.

The best moment of 2012 was Ezra's birth. Although, surprisingly, on 37th week with odd water breaking and labour so quick nobody believes when I tell. It is genetic, don't be jealous. My mum had me in two hours after contractions and my youngest aunt had her second child in an hour after contractions started.
There were ups and downs, Ezra was colicky nearly four months and sometimes he wouldn't nap the whole day, or he had to be nursed every 1,5-2 hours which made me feel like a milk factory. Plus I had my moments that I call Postpartum Sophression, I hadn't realised that I was mum and my life had changed for ever. I wanted to be free and wild as before, write whenever I liked, read and enjoy my morning coffee in peace. In short, I hadn't prepared myself for motherhood properly.
In July my husband's grandmother passed away. She was the smartest and wittiest old lady I've met. She was 80, lived in Israel and visited us for wedding, that's when I met her for the first and last time. You've probably never seen an old lady so content and full of life, but illness never asks about that, does it? She never got to see Ezra, only his pictures that she loved to look at.
In Autumn my husband started a new well paid job, but you know nobody pays you well in this capitalistic world for nothing, he had to work very hard and was stressed most of the time. It also happened that my father in law passed away right after Yom Kippur which was something whole family had to cope with. We're still recovering.

I think I only wrote "downs", but there were "ups" too.
My mum came and stayed with us for 1,5 months, I don't know how I could have managed without her. Hashem, give her long and healthy life!!! 
I also started to enjoy being mum after 3-4 months, when Ezra became little human rolling and cuddling, laughing and babbling around. I loved and still love breastfeeding. I consider it most beautiful and strong gift that G-d has given to women. No matter how hard it is, being a woman, experiencing period or labour pains, we still have this awesome strength to bring lives in the world, feed them and comfort them like no-one else, so who remembers the hard parts?
In August we went to Rammenau, which is a little peaceful village near Dresden and Sächsische Schweiz (meaning Sachsonian Switzerland). We rented a little cute country house with beautiful green garden where we could breathe a fresh air so needed after living in a city.
Last but not least, in Autumn we had our great festivals, Ezra's first Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Simchat Torah. Jewish festivals are not easy if you're observant, but as they are family focused and teaching what is really important in this world, makes everything special.

I guess that was all about 2012. I am glad it is over and looking forward for future. Future always is or must be better than past.

As for 2013 I need to make some planning so it doesn't slip through my fingers like 2012.

1. I must lose weight - I weighed 65 kilos when got pregnant and don't ask me how much I gained :| after giving birth I lost quite quickly, but now I have gained it back I guess and weigh 76 kilos, which is scary. I got such broad shoulders like a weight pusher and legs like football player. Seriously.
2. Blog more and seriously - this word "seriously" already makes me giggle, but let's hope, ok?
3. Work out - not only to keep in shape, but my doctor recommended because I've been having pain in my back since pregnancy. It's because of the relaxed muscles that prepare for child delivery.
4. Learn to knit socks - for that I need my mum to visit us again. Online lessons are not for me.
5. Be nice to people - especially to the ones I don't like. It is very easy to be nice with beloved ones, evil people can do that too.
6. Try to learn more kodesh - TaNaCh.
7. Read more books in Hebrew - to Ezra.
8. Complete my German course.
9. Learn how to take nice photos - this is a challenge for me. Even though I got a new camera for my birthday, haven't found time or patience to read the manual anyway :D
10. Give as much LOVE LOVE LOVE as possible - to my husband, Ezra, my mum, my in-laws and friends (real or online ones).

This year's sufganyiot

Remember I told you about my brother in law's birthday, which was on Friday? Well, his mother (who is my mother in law and Ezra's grandma obviously) baked such an amazing cake for him and brought over, in addition with that she had also baked couple of other cakes and cookies that it made perfect sense to me not to make sufganyiot this year. Not for my husband though. All right. He's usually right and I am not because I am so lazy when it comes to kitchen and baking. I'd rather be fooling around and entertaining people in the kitchen than standing there in apron and breathing burning oil. I am terrible baker.

My husband assured me that I had to make sufganyiot because he could not imagine Chanuka without them and it should be our tradition for future when Ezra grows up and iy''H, we have other children. Of course I agreed. Wasn't I also excited and happy when my mother or aunts baked cakes and cooked specific Georgian food on New Year (which was big deal in my childhood)? So I shouldn't be so selfish and scrooge, just because we had so much leftover from Ezra's uncle's birthday, it did not mean, sufganyiot could be skipped.

So I made them.
My mother in law came over to babysit Ezra and I got down to business named kneading a dough for sufganyiot. I made it after this recipe, I've done it last year too and they come out really good. Naturally, I made my favourite changes in the recipe: replaced milk with water (had no soy milk anyway), dry yeast with fresh one and used no eggs, because in the mixing part you just won't find where to add those eggs that are mentioned in the ingredients part. I think no eggs needed indeed, sufganyiot are perfectly fine without them. Then I filled them with strawberry jam and whole family loved them.
Now I feel better.

Our sufganyiot - may not look that good, but taste a lot better. Chanuka 5773

I think I am getting used to being a wife and mother, you know. I've always had this funny character that protested against everything and never really loved traditions or anything. So now when I am married to the orthodox man for whom family values come first, I think I might be becoming his total part in that, with help of Hashem.
I don't promise I am going to love kitchen and never leave it, but I start to enjoy it when I see my dear people enjoy what I cook and bake.

Aren't our dear people's feelings most important after all?

Chanuka Sameach! More to come, still loads of candles to light and fill our souls with wonders and wonders...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUN!

My sweetest nutty has a birthday today. Drew Barrymore is turning 36. Amazing. She's exactly 10 years older than me. I grew up watching her movies and enjoying her smile. I think no other artist has influenced me so much as Drew. Because she has got it all: wit and smile that would rock your boat.

She had been there and seen it all. She has gone through troubles one can never imagine, but she never lost herself - she just laughed out her guts and kicked ass, didn't she? She has been most successful actress, producer and director of the new Hollywood generation. Drew is someone all the girls could strive for - funny, sunny and able to give love to the world.

Imagine me, some funny girl from tiny Georgia admiring Drew and being inspired by her. If she knew, she would be very proud and happy about it I am sure :)
Drew is like an old sister and a friend you could always turn to and tell things you would never tell to anyone else. Drew is like I am for Lila :) So funny because I have no closest friend than my cousin Lila and so has she. Drew is the sunny girl whose poster Lila and I still have in our room in the country house.

Happy Birthday, Drew! May you be healthy and blessed! Wishing you to have all you need! Keep smiling and shining through our eyes, will you?

Guard the portals of your mouth

My previous post was so crybabyish, oh, nobody remembered my birthday, nobody did this, nobody did that. Actually they did afterwards :-) Sarah Nachum bought me a funny lovely green hat, Miriam got an English-Deutsch Wörterbuch for me, so in a year's time I should be very fluent in German (that's my goal), then Rina left chocolates and lovely note in my room. I am glad because they did it without reading my blog. Oh, last but not least, this lovely Israeli girl Yifat who takes amazing pictures screamed "Happy Birthday" to me in her little town Wismar :-) Yes life is worth it after all.

Photo by Yifat Ouzan

I got an e-mail today from Ita, my teacher, she sent me very interesting article about the power of speech and silence as well. Here's the quote from that article I loved it very much: "From that which lies within your bosom [i.e. your soul], guard the portals of your mouth" (Michah 7:5). I definitely needed this quote of Michah to understand that I cannot and should not say anything is in my heart or soul. We live in such difficult times that we are told by everyone we should speak out our minds and all, but in reality one should always keep something to prevent hurting someone afterwards. You know why have I come to this? After reading my previous post I realized that I am not perfect myself and might sometimes hurt others, or forget things. Or G-d just wanted to show me how sad it is to feel lonely so I should never, NEVER, forget to care about others. Lesson is learned, dear Hashem. Thanks for that. And thanks to all the girls for cheering me up the other day.

And it snows like has never snowed before...

Drop that juice!

Drop that juice, baby!

I love myself so much that believe others do so too.
Freak.
I sat and cried like a baby because nobody gave a single bloody birthday card to me today. Nobody tried to write on some lousy paper just saying, have fun, Soph, love you and stick it on my door. It's not that I am so desperately in need of some human recognition. No, I am in desperate need of some f-ing love because I always love others. I know life is not causal at all and not everyone grew up reading Salinger and Freud. I know that, I wish I did not though. My life would have been much easier and shallower.

I am happy. Really. It'll pass in an hour because I believe in what I do and not what others do. In other words, I'll keep on.

So, no orange juice, Marilyn, honey! Only the real thing!

Kitten In My Pocket

Liz Taylor "Kitten In My Pocket"

Ok, it's my Birthday today, if you did not know yet :D

And I'm not going to write some philosophical stuff here like I do all the time. About where is "there"? Where is "he"?

I'm a big girl. I make decisions on my own. I live on my own. I chose the way of my life on my own.
Saying this I realize that all I have chosen is not just like that - everything that happened in my life has its particular reason. Yes, to challenge me and improve my personality.
Last year has been "revolutionary" for me, so to say. I've become observant religious, finished university, left for Berlin, studied in midrasha... Many things happened, many people came in my life, showed me different points of view...

And I'm still the same - Sophie SUNNY Golden - who loves black & white hollywood movies, Salinger's books, having fun with friends and in the end of the day - analyzes her life.
25 - is like you've never even thought before you'd go that far :) do you know what I mean? When I was younger I thought girls of that age were so old and they could not have fun any more. So wrong. Never felt better.

It's all in our head, you know - age, looks, silly stereotypes.

I just refuse to all of this and plan to go on with G-d's help.

Eli7's B-day

Our snacks

Yesterday our madricha Elisheva had a birthday. She's really sweet person, always there for us, full of energy and fun. It happened to be Rosh Chodesh on the same day, so we couldn't let this day pass without celebrating.
Leah made a cake, we also had chocolate fondue - so delicious... mmmmmmm... crackers, cookies, fruits and all. Then Zsolt Balla and his wife Marina joined us. He played guitar with Keren, who plays Domra, this weird russian national instrument. You can even watch the video I made yesterday.
At 11 party was almost over... almost - because Dvora and I decided to dance and have fun. You know I'm fond of dancing or rather sliding on the floor and be happily crazy or crazily happy :D

So, I wish all the best to Elisheva, and to the other girls too!!! I love being here in this cold and scary Germany, I feel I should be here now. It's the right time and place to me, G-d willing.