Swinging in the Rain

Shalom alechem, geshem!!!

These words came out when I left Lidl and the raindrops fell on my coat. I have no umbrella, no rain boots on me, how marvelous! - I smiled to the sky.
I don't know why I talked in Hebrew to the rain, that's just what came out from my heart at that moment.

And you know what happened yesterday?

After coming home from 3 hours waiting at the doctor's office, I looked at my phone and changed the weather forecast to Tbilisi. Then I napped for hours and after waking up, I looked at my phone again (how logical of our times) and wondered, why do I have Tbilisi forecast on my screen? I don't live there anymore... and my heart quenched a bit. I missed my Tbilisi, beautiful old city of my youth. City that will always be in my heart, no matter how old I am and where I live. It's the place I was born and the place I got my heart broken in. place where I know everything. Rather I knew. It should be different now, it's been 10 years since I left. Despite speaking millions (not literally) of languages, moving in different countries and cities, my heart probably is still 20, dreaming in rainy spring Tbilisi, listening to the radio and writing away...
Thanks, Hashem for that.

Georgia's on my mind

Thanks for sending this rain to cleanse my heart and soul, Hashem. I didn't think it would rain, it was such a clean sky when I woke up. I thought it would be freezing cold with sun. But there it came - sweet geshem of mine.

I'm officially sick with sinus infection. After bringing kids to school, shopping and having such sweet conversation with rain, I made my late favourite lavender tea with lemon and put some working jazz on to go on with this swinging mood...

I've been writing only about Sanditon lately and today this rain made me feel so good, I figured, I should write about my mood too.

I turned 35 in December. I'm a wife, mother, teacher, daughter, human!!! It feels like the quarter of my life has been lived and now I am this semi-wise lady that can tell you her opinion. Not that I was ever shy to express my mind, but now being 35 gives me the right to do so even more, does it not?
But on the contrary I've been quite silent, because I don't feel like sharing my opinion that much anymore. I've got responsibilities and once you say something, you cannot swallow it back. Now that I am older and supposed to be smarter, I try to be diplomatic, and am trying to let go of my insecurities, talk less and think more.
As my old dear friend told me: everything is under control, but not your's!

So let Hashem control it, since He is the best at that. And let me have this rainy day with music and my tea, swinging little blues on my heart.

I Will Try To Like You

I want to like people.
I've always been saying that I love people, but sometimes I don't.
And I judge others a lot. Not aloud obviously, but just for myself.
I judge and label people by the way they talk, dress, walk... I judge their education, their manners... I even snob people, who seem to be shallow and stupid.
Who am I to judge though? Why?

Then I realise, probably others judge me too. People probably dislike the way I talk, laugh, dress, wrap my head, express my opinions...
And then it gets easier :-D
I mean, we're all human. All we can do is to strive to become better person.
Once you don't take yourself very seriously and laugh at some traits you have, you stop judging others and begin to accept them the way they are (or just ignore them?).

You don't have to change the world, but yourself and the world will change eventually. I am not the first to say this, but it feels good I came to this at some point.

So, friends and foes, haha, don't get too nervous about yourselves! I still like you (or not much) no matter what. I will try not to judge you, I will, bezrat Hashem, because I do not know what is going on in your hearts and what struggle you are having.

I will just focus to improve my myself.

May this be a little step forward for this month of Elul and elevating for Rosh Hashanah.

Love,

Sophie

מזל טוב, עזרא!!!

My firstborn is 3 since Pessach. It's such an emotional age for me. I feel as if I had him yesterday, little baby with long fingers and thin legs. My first baby, who rocked my world and changed me for good.
My Ezra - little helper with big heart and mind.
My Ezra, the one and only Ezra in the world (for me of course)!!!

Baruch Hashem for him, baruch Hashem for my second born too. Baruch Hashem for everything. Thank You, G-d! Be our guide as always!
May there be peace and joy in the world. May no child experiences pain or loss, may children be happy and carefree knowing there are their mums and dads waiting for them, never letting them down.

I wish health to my big boy, then will power to overcome yetzer hara and never stop developing his good midos (character traits). May you be as great as your namesake Ezra and take us out of galus with your dear brother Aaron, who has this lovely name not by coincidence at all :-)
אמן!!!

20 - 30 - - 40

Right!

I turned 30 last week. 30, people, is not a joke.
Although I remember like yesterday when I turned 20 and threw a pajama party, invited my girlfriends and had this deep, spiritual couch talk about different things: what we wanted to be, how we wanted to leave a trail in this world and where we wanted to go to fulfill our calling. We were so young, fresh and full of idealism.
I hoped and almost believed I would be that kind of journalist, who saves the world; my childhood friend thought she would get married soon and have bunch of kids, the other one wanted to travel the world, fourth one of our gang just hoped she would finish her studies and find a good job to rent a flat and move out from her parents'.

So, where are we now?

You know about me, being big fat Mama Sophie - wife of the most Yiddishe man in the world, mum of two naughty boys with Biblical names, and daughter of the most liberal and intelligent lady in the world. I am basically stay-at-home mama, cooking, baking, yelling, often singing and dancing with my children; also naturally bossing around like every mum, who has to do so or things will not be as she wants them to be.

As for my childhood friend, who wanted to get married right away, she hasn't got married yet (no kids either), but she works very hard and is happy about it. The "traveler" one is happily married with one baby girl and second child on its way soon, she hasn't traveled anywhere since then ;-) and the fourth one, indeed found a good job and all, but she hasn't left her parents' yet because her dad got sick, soon passed away and she decided to stay home and comfort her mum.

These are our stories. Very realistic, down to earthly, nobody saving a planet, nobody conquering the Everest, but - living the life as it came down to us, you know?
Most of the times that's how it is, isn't it?
We never know how we "end up", because at 20 none of us can be aware of what is really GOOD for us. In GOOD, I mean, what is right and logical. Priorities change so easily.
And I am a big believer of GOOD things, you know that ;-) I believe everything has its reasons and seasons, if I could put it this way. My people and I don't believe in coincidences. Hashem's will is in EVERYTHING.
Even Jesus Christ knew that, who rebelled against us (oh, happy birthday, by the way :-) Jesus and I are both stubborn Capricorns, aren't we?) and yet all he said is a mere paraphrasing of Jewish Prophets (see Isaiah and Jeremiah) and the Talmud.

Anyway.
I like that I am this old.
30 seemed so old, when I was 20. I thought it was the end of fun, and actually it is :lol: not for everyone, but for the "real slim shady mum" like me, because I don't care much about anything else, but my family nowadays; surely I do about parents, relatives, friends and then comes the world. 20 year old Sophie wouldn't believe in that, but 30 year old one strongly does.

I like that I can look back and see that so many things have happened in my life. There's much more good coming, I know, but the past was ok too, thank G-d. It was hard, but it helped me to appreciate the life afterwards.
I grew up in dark 90's of Post Soviet Georgia and did my homework like Jane Austen in the light of diesel lamp, because electricity was a luxury then and we had it scheduled, couple of hours in the morning and 3-4 hours in the evening. I know, it sounds bizarre now (probably not for most 3rd world countries), but that's how it was. I studied hard, because only that could help me in life. And probably that was/is something that I've been good at, rather G-d made me that way.
School, University... and then came traveling...
Then the Spiritual Quest...

Then Him.

Him again.

:-)

Chuppah.
Love.
Children.
Crazy busy Mama life still in progress.

I think I am fine with all.
So, yeah, it actually does take 30 years to have things figured out and realised who you are, what you want and where you need to be.
Now I can't wait till I am 40 :-D

All the credit and thanks go to the great Creator of the World. Baruch Ata Hashem!!!

Have a nice week!!!

Shalom Aleichem - Peace Be With You

I've had couple of "Answer Me This" posts in my drafts, which I never got to publish because of different reasons, but today is the day that I should.

I've been homesick of a kind, and now I realise I have quoted Ezra Pound for that who is the least favourite poet of mine because of his political attitude. What can you do if he has the best name though.

I had baby Aaron 6 months ago and only now I feel to have little postpartum depression thing. Not that big depression kind that Western world loves so much, I come from the East after all. I mean little depression that would suit a stay at home Hausfrau mum of two little children.

Blogging should heal me, I pray.

I like Kendra Tierney very much. I like the way she writes. I respect her for being a lady, good example of a modern religious woman, who is intelligent, modest and funny at the same time.
I feel very grateful to know plenty of nice people with whom I don't share my religious belief at all, but still learn a lot because kindness, morality and G-d are universal.
This mother of 7 lovely children is one of my online miracles.
In Judaism we say that it is "Kiddush Hashem", when one does an act of kindness, that praises G-d's name and recognises His almightiness. So I think Kendra's the one doing it with her honesty in faith, which absolutely inspires others to be like her.

Here are the answers to this week's questions:

1. What is your favorite picture book?

I never liked picture books before I had children. I am a "Franny and Zooey" post-feminist Jewish-Irish girl, you know ;-) Now my firstborn Ezra loves picture books, so I have to like them too. He used to love the "Was fährt da in der Stadt?" book, which must be an equivalent of English "Things that move", I suppose.

He especially loves this picture of a man repairing the street lamp, probably because we unscrew the lamp in the kitchen before every Shabbat, so Ezra wouldn't turn it on, and this picture, funnily, must be reminding him of that. He's still too young to understand some/most of the Shabbat laws, but as my dearest Rebetzin Roberg says, it is all about what one learns from its family. When a child sees how parents love and respect their faith, traditions, how happy they are living in this particular way, he will love and enjoy it too.

But his/mine all time favourite is this one, the children version of old Georgian book "Wisdom of Fancy" by extraordinary Sulkhan Saba Orbeliani. Ezra's got to like this preach book for it is based on Talmud, some say.

2. Are you a boycotter?

I think I am.
(Sophie, of course you are!)
I have always been.
I used to boycott all the big capitalist companies like Coca Cola, Pepsi, McDonalds, Apple and many more for my University years.
Now I mostly boycott those companies/factories that support Nationalist Party of Germany, who are Nazis deep inside.

3. How do you feel about cheese?

Funny to answer this, because my uncle is a great cheese maker :-D he was a school principal (we call it the school director over here; principal - I must've heard in American movies), who quit his intellectual job because he's that funny kind of guy and went farming.
Back to cheese though.
My husband and I used to make kosher cheese actually, but then got bored, because it was too expensive and not worth of our time and effort. It's easier to buy, plus we don't want to boycott Kosher stores, that are so few in Germany :-D
What's that Kosher Cheese? To make a kosher cheese you need vegetable rennet, enzyme that is not of the animal origin. We don't eat "normal" cheese, because of the law from Torah: it is forbidden to mix milk with meat.
Usually, cheese is made from the rennet, which would be from the animal stomach skin (pardon my English and just Google, if you are not a boycotter like some people).

4. How many pairs of sunglasses do you own?

One or two, but don't even know where I keep them. I hardly ever use sunglasses because it's never too sunny in Germany.

5. How long has it been since you went to the dentist?

I had an appointment last year and ironically, I decided to take a pregnancy test on that very morning, which came out positive. I canceled it obviously.
So thanks for reminding now. I shall schedule an appointment soon.

6. If you could visit any religious site in the world, where would you go?

It should definitely be Eretz Israel or Holy Land, as everyone calls it. There is no land that can be holier and it must be only statement everyone agrees with.
I also hope and pray my children will be able not only visit Yerushalayim/Jerusalem, but live there in peace with other people (despite of their faith), who REALLY love and care about the land. It sounds so not realistic right now, I know, but we do believe, don't we?

I also wish I could visit Rachel's tomb in Ramah near Bethlehem. She is one of my favourite Biblical foremothers, if not the most, because of her kindness, patience and love towards her sister Leah.


Thanks Kendra for hosting.

(And thank you, my readers, who keep e-mailing and supporting me even though you can't really call this a blog anymore.)

Shalom Aleichem to you all!!!
Peace be with you! - remember this?
It is a Hebrew way of greeting, but let it be my goodbye this time.

Shalom means peace in Hebrew and it also has other meaning, wholeness. Nothing can be complete and none of us can be happy if there is no peace with our fellow people.

So may there be Peace in this old crazy world!
!!!אָמֵן

Baruch Dayan HaEmet

Baruch Dayan HaEmet, we say when hear the news of somebody passing away. These words mean that the Judge is True, so to explain, but in most cases how can one agree this judge/death can be true?
How do you tell that to the mums of three kidnapped Israeli teenagers? How do you tell them who bore those babies, fed them and raised them, had nachat from them and expected only joy from them? How can you tell death is true?
How can you tell that to their dads, sisters, brothers, friends?..
May Hashem comfort them as much as it can be possible.

Hashem is a true judge, I know, but today my heart goes out to the families of three murdered boys in Israel. Today I feel like something has died inside me.

Today my heart is also dead after hearing the terrible news about those boys.
It was just last Shabbat when I (with hundreds of other Jewish mothers) separated challah from the dough asking G-d to save those boys and bring them home safely...

I know I cannot understand His plans.
I do not want to either, because I cannot bear right now.

May my Nation never experience such pain of the loss of our children again. They were my children too. Our children! Children of Avraham, Yitschak and Yakov, just like all of us.

May there be peace in Israel, if it is ever possible and no shedding of innocent blood, neither ours nor others'. 

G-dly union

This morning Ezra, his grandma and I went to the Leipzig train station to do some grocery shopping. When we passed that block, where they sell tickets, I saw a girl who lived in the midrasha too, but she came there right after I got married and left. Now she's just married too. She's really nice and sweet; her husband is also very intelligent and handsome guy.

It was so nice to see her - all smiley and happy, positive and full of hopes and dreams as all newly married girls are. I wanted to hug her and tell her, best life is about to come and wish her all the best that could be in the world.

[You know, sometimes I might be as cold as ice, but mostly I am such heartful sentimental person that can't help loving people - strangers or friends, no matter.]

But I didn't because I've seen that girl only twice in my life and we had literally said only two words to each other: "Gut Shabbes" -- as she was visiting the midrasha for Shabbat then. And I was a bride, all excited, scared, emotional, crazy, witty - saying funny things and hiding I was nervous about losing my freedom and becoming involved in this institution called marriage, so I couldn't pay enough attention to the newcomers, I am really sorry now.

And here, I saw her, lovely bride with sparkling eyes and glowing face with happiness.
I can't explain better, all the words are vain.

Anyone who knows how beautiful and meaningful traditional Jewish wedding is, will understand my emotions and excitement. I respect every religion and believe that all humans around the world are same, they all have heart and soul, they all want to be loved and give love, but when it comes to traditions, nothing can be compared to the Jewish life which is guided by Torah.
Everyone has God, but only Jews have Torah, which means we have double credit :) this is a half joke, because Torah is G-d and G-d is Torah, but what I mean is, that this is the only Book which gives life and is life Itself.
Naturally, Bible belongs to the world, but essential Torah with its beautiful commentaries is only mine (I mean it not literally for sure, rather philo-Sophie-cally).

It is said that receiving Torah from Hashem by Jews was like a wedding between Jewish nation and G-d, because this is most sacred and wholly union on the planet. For only husband and wife can be as close as it can ever be. They are one flesh and one soul, one creation - like G-d and Jewish people.
I know some will think I exaggerate as every sort of religious fanatic does, but all I want to say is that looking at that girl and her new husband made me realise this once more - there is nothing more beautiful than Jewish marriage where two souls are united for G-d and from G-d.

May You My Friends Live Long and Happy Life full of Joy and Torah Light!!! May Hashem bless you with many healthy children and granchildren! Amen!!!

Here are some photos from my own wedding. Yeah. It was not so long ago, it's been 2 years. So fresh and vivid still :)

Some reasons

I am so tired that I can't blog properly.

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Plus because of some reasons I have no desire to blog:

1. There are some people who read it and I don't want them to know my TRUE feelings about particular issues.
2. I hate fanatics, especially religious ones and I pray to Hashem to spare me from them and teach me how to handle them. Mensch! I've been handling one of them lately and I don't know how to get rid of.
3. Ezra's been so active, if I didn't take him out for a walk at least twice a day, I'd go crazy. He crawls and cruises everywhere, but EVERYWHERE. Opens every possible door, breaks anything that is breakable, then jumps on me and gives me his charming smile showing off his funny teeth that would melt any heart.
4. I'm fat and it depresses me. My arms are huge as if I were an athlete, and in general, I am as wide as Jack Daniels' bottle (speaking of that, I haven't drunk an alcohol, except wine on Shabbat, FOR EVER, my husband hates women drinking alcohol, then I was pregnant and breastfeeding... now I just have forgotten about it).
5. I am so tired at the end of the day that I just don't have any intellectual strength left to post in English.

P.S. I didn't mention that Ezra and I met Talia, Luke and Lior on 29th of May at the Höfe am Brühl in Leipzig, how unbelievable is that? Would I believe if someone told me I would a year ago when I started to read their blog? NEVER!
Life is extraordinary, you see, and so is the Carbis family, I should say. That's why I like them so much and am never bored to follow their updates.

Better one

When I put Ezra to sleep millions of thoughts fly into my mind like colourful butterflies and they are beautiful. Usually my thoughts are beautiful or should be so if I try to think about pleasant things more. Sometimes those thoughts are little melancholic and nostalgic, mostly they are sweet and tender like my baby’s dreams.

I love when he falls asleep and I can see how peaceful he is, how innocent and miraculous. Every baby is a miracle, but I came to realise this only after a year I think. I never thought it would be so true when people used to say that you only feel real love towards your child after she’s one, because the circle of some phase is closed and you can see clearly what all that was about.

Those hard times of first months when I just started to nurse Ezra, the almost 4 months of colicky period, when he had terrible winds and I couldn't help him much, then those times when I tried to train him to sleep… I know more is to come, but this first year is unique, makes my heart melt, because I know this was about building the physical and emotional fundament for Ezra to keep growing up and becoming an excellent person.

Time has flown. I mean that’s how people say, but I don’t quite agree with that. Time has gone by just as I’ve expected – on its time. Time is wise. Rather Hashem is.

Now I just walked by the small sofa and recalled Ezra when he was two months old, he would fall asleep on my chest and then I would put him on that sofa very very slowly so he stayed asleep and I could go to cook dinner. Then I would come back on my tiptoes to check him and tried my best to walk so that our laminate floor wouldn’t make noise. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes – not and he would wake up asking to hold him and comfort him. Then we would nap together on the same sofa – we had often napped there for three hours, which was great and I will always miss it. I am not sure if one gets as much sleep with next babies because first one needs so much attention, doesn’t he?

I’ve also grown a lot during this year. I look back and some days seem like a dream. As if they've never happened, but I only saw a dream and it faded away leaving little purple touch on my soul, if you know what I mean (well, those who know my love to Marquez). There are so many things in life influencing us, hurting us and in the same time motivating us to move on, never stop, never mind stumbling, just go on and on.

I learnt how to be patient, not to lose my temper as easily as I used to; I achieved being nicer to people that annoy me, not to get angry with Ezra when he refuses to sleep or eat, which still is something I keep on working and making myself not to explode, but smile to him and show how calm I am so he eats one more spoonful porridge. Still a challenge.

Life is all about learning anyway. I need to learn new things everyday in order to move on and become better person than I was yesterday -- better wife, better mum, better daughter and just better Sophie. Not always easy, rather hard, but achievable, that's what I'm here for.

Still so much to achieve - Hasta La Victoria Siempre?

In 2011 I had almost everything planned including wedding and pregnancy. I had made notes that I'd do this and that at this or that time, and I actually made it. There were even things coming true that I had in mind, but did not quite long for so for 2012 I made no plans whatsoever. Probably that's why it was most complicated and spontaneous year.

The best moment of 2012 was Ezra's birth. Although, surprisingly, on 37th week with odd water breaking and labour so quick nobody believes when I tell. It is genetic, don't be jealous. My mum had me in two hours after contractions and my youngest aunt had her second child in an hour after contractions started.
There were ups and downs, Ezra was colicky nearly four months and sometimes he wouldn't nap the whole day, or he had to be nursed every 1,5-2 hours which made me feel like a milk factory. Plus I had my moments that I call Postpartum Sophression, I hadn't realised that I was mum and my life had changed for ever. I wanted to be free and wild as before, write whenever I liked, read and enjoy my morning coffee in peace. In short, I hadn't prepared myself for motherhood properly.
In July my husband's grandmother passed away. She was the smartest and wittiest old lady I've met. She was 80, lived in Israel and visited us for wedding, that's when I met her for the first and last time. You've probably never seen an old lady so content and full of life, but illness never asks about that, does it? She never got to see Ezra, only his pictures that she loved to look at.
In Autumn my husband started a new well paid job, but you know nobody pays you well in this capitalistic world for nothing, he had to work very hard and was stressed most of the time. It also happened that my father in law passed away right after Yom Kippur which was something whole family had to cope with. We're still recovering.

I think I only wrote "downs", but there were "ups" too.
My mum came and stayed with us for 1,5 months, I don't know how I could have managed without her. Hashem, give her long and healthy life!!! 
I also started to enjoy being mum after 3-4 months, when Ezra became little human rolling and cuddling, laughing and babbling around. I loved and still love breastfeeding. I consider it most beautiful and strong gift that G-d has given to women. No matter how hard it is, being a woman, experiencing period or labour pains, we still have this awesome strength to bring lives in the world, feed them and comfort them like no-one else, so who remembers the hard parts?
In August we went to Rammenau, which is a little peaceful village near Dresden and Sächsische Schweiz (meaning Sachsonian Switzerland). We rented a little cute country house with beautiful green garden where we could breathe a fresh air so needed after living in a city.
Last but not least, in Autumn we had our great festivals, Ezra's first Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Simchat Torah. Jewish festivals are not easy if you're observant, but as they are family focused and teaching what is really important in this world, makes everything special.

I guess that was all about 2012. I am glad it is over and looking forward for future. Future always is or must be better than past.

As for 2013 I need to make some planning so it doesn't slip through my fingers like 2012.

1. I must lose weight - I weighed 65 kilos when got pregnant and don't ask me how much I gained :| after giving birth I lost quite quickly, but now I have gained it back I guess and weigh 76 kilos, which is scary. I got such broad shoulders like a weight pusher and legs like football player. Seriously.
2. Blog more and seriously - this word "seriously" already makes me giggle, but let's hope, ok?
3. Work out - not only to keep in shape, but my doctor recommended because I've been having pain in my back since pregnancy. It's because of the relaxed muscles that prepare for child delivery.
4. Learn to knit socks - for that I need my mum to visit us again. Online lessons are not for me.
5. Be nice to people - especially to the ones I don't like. It is very easy to be nice with beloved ones, evil people can do that too.
6. Try to learn more kodesh - TaNaCh.
7. Read more books in Hebrew - to Ezra.
8. Complete my German course.
9. Learn how to take nice photos - this is a challenge for me. Even though I got a new camera for my birthday, haven't found time or patience to read the manual anyway :D
10. Give as much LOVE LOVE LOVE as possible - to my husband, Ezra, my mum, my in-laws and friends (real or online ones).

This year's sufganyiot

Remember I told you about my brother in law's birthday, which was on Friday? Well, his mother (who is my mother in law and Ezra's grandma obviously) baked such an amazing cake for him and brought over, in addition with that she had also baked couple of other cakes and cookies that it made perfect sense to me not to make sufganyiot this year. Not for my husband though. All right. He's usually right and I am not because I am so lazy when it comes to kitchen and baking. I'd rather be fooling around and entertaining people in the kitchen than standing there in apron and breathing burning oil. I am terrible baker.

My husband assured me that I had to make sufganyiot because he could not imagine Chanuka without them and it should be our tradition for future when Ezra grows up and iy''H, we have other children. Of course I agreed. Wasn't I also excited and happy when my mother or aunts baked cakes and cooked specific Georgian food on New Year (which was big deal in my childhood)? So I shouldn't be so selfish and scrooge, just because we had so much leftover from Ezra's uncle's birthday, it did not mean, sufganyiot could be skipped.

So I made them.
My mother in law came over to babysit Ezra and I got down to business named kneading a dough for sufganyiot. I made it after this recipe, I've done it last year too and they come out really good. Naturally, I made my favourite changes in the recipe: replaced milk with water (had no soy milk anyway), dry yeast with fresh one and used no eggs, because in the mixing part you just won't find where to add those eggs that are mentioned in the ingredients part. I think no eggs needed indeed, sufganyiot are perfectly fine without them. Then I filled them with strawberry jam and whole family loved them.
Now I feel better.

Our sufganyiot - may not look that good, but taste a lot better. Chanuka 5773

I think I am getting used to being a wife and mother, you know. I've always had this funny character that protested against everything and never really loved traditions or anything. So now when I am married to the orthodox man for whom family values come first, I think I might be becoming his total part in that, with help of Hashem.
I don't promise I am going to love kitchen and never leave it, but I start to enjoy it when I see my dear people enjoy what I cook and bake.

Aren't our dear people's feelings most important after all?

Chanuka Sameach! More to come, still loads of candles to light and fill our souls with wonders and wonders...

Shabbat girls

We had really full house Shabbat this week. On Friday evening we had the mother and brother of my husband. We had chicken breasts with simple sauce and fried potatoes. For dessert I have baked Apple sauce whole wheat cake which is very delicious and easy to make, plus it rhymes, right? Funny thing is that cake is very healthy but I made the very unhealthy topping from kosher parve whipping cream that I mixed with strawberry jam and couple of spoonful sugar. We had nice chat and all, as usual my brother-in-law was grumpy about everything. He's like this eternal teenager disliking everything, complaining and then mocking. He's a great guy and good uncle, cares about Ezra, helps us with him whenever he can and gives presents to him, but such impossible one he is.

As for Friday night, it's always beautiful, candles lit on the table, flowers that my husband buys for me every erev Shabbat, hot food smell and the mood of something high coming to us for a day. They don't call Shabbat the Queen for nothing - it's really like that. No matter how tired we are Shabbat always lights and cheers our spirits; even my mum tells me she misses Shabbats at our home.

Old Midrasha days - Old Midrasha Me

Saturday morning gets little moody though, especially when you have little baby who doesn't let you sleep long. My husband leaves before 9 for synagogue, and then I pray Ezra would sleep little more and let me get some rest too. Today he napped for an hour, but it wasn't enough for me anyway. I was too tired for last week was exhausting and one Shabbat couldn't absorb it all. Plus Ezra's been coughing and sneezing for almost 5 days and you know it's so hard for mum. My heart breaks when he coughs or has blocked nose. It should pass soon, please Hashem.
Now back to Saturday morning again. After my husband comes from synagogue we make kiddush on wine and challas like we do every Friday night (blessings are difference naturally), and have delicious dinner. There were times we also used to nap but now it goes with Ezra's schedule.
This Shabbat was one of those, when my mother-in-law put Ezra to sleep and I couldn't slip away that chance, you know, so said quick "Shabbat Shalom" to everyone and jumped in bed to sleep a little.
Because I was expecting a guest from Berlin, namely, one girl from the midrasha (seminary where I've studied and lived for 2 years) and a boy who works at the youth centre where the Shabbat guests are usually hosted, plus he lives a block away from us and would've been a guide to our guest.
At 15:15 Ezra woke up and so did I, then I started to change him and my husband called me that our guests had already come and waited downstairs.
Well, there were more than 2 guests though. One more girl from the midrasha and other young pregnant woman of our community. I got really excited for I love receiving guests and treating them with sweets (I've mentioned we had delicious whole wheat cake, right?). It's always refreshing having young people around, isn't it. Especially knowing where they come from and watching them talk, walk and do things I used to do. It also made me realise how different I've become and how my points of view have changed since then. I mean, I've always been a rebel and no seminary could've possibly brainwashed me, but I realise now that there were times when I actually let some people or situations to influence me. It is not that bad, it helps a lot to step up and get over, go through and find your very own way, if you know what I mean.
I am sure those girls will find too. They are lovely and very positive girls. Definitely completed our Shabbat and Ezra loved one of those girls too who played with him and held him. He is everything but shy, especially when it comes to girls ;-)

One more Shabbat is over and new week has started. May all of us have nice, sunny, calm, lucky and joyful week! AMEN!!!

Tight me up! :P

Tactless people are killin' me. Really. Somebody told me the other day that I am being tight about some things. I did not know what to answer. Usually I try to laugh when I'm embarrassed, but this time I could not laugh either. It was not only about me, but about Georgia where I come from. Even now when I'm calmer just can't think of a proper answer to that not-very-nice comment.

It's Yom Kippur very soon. I forgive that one for hurting my feelings and calling me "tight". And I hope and ask Hashem never ever put me in a situation like that when I have no words to reply because if I would I could've crashed all. Not very good solution for G-d fearing person. I also hope I am not tactless and if I ever was, I am so sorry and FORGIVE ME, please!

Anyway.

When I get older I will be stronger ;) :D I can't stop listening to this:

The Day

Shabbat's coming in half an hour.
I have to prepare candles, rip the paper, set the table...
And I'm still here posting this for you out there :)
I'm having a swell day :) Last week have been good and bad as well. It started with good - Naomi's engagement; and in the middle of the week I had terrible nervous breakdown because of my visa. Then I had a conversation with Dina, who helped me to cheer up and see the cup half full. So I accept Hashem's will whatever it might be.
Plus, I'm having PMS and it has direct connection to my mood.
I am happy! I needed a whole damn week to realize this, and dearest friend who showed me what really matters.

Shabbat Shalom & happy week end to you all!

Back Home

No matter how things are, there is always reason to be grateful to Hashem, even if only for the privilege of being a Jew and serving Him joyfully.

'Seeker of Slumbering Souls' - stories of the Baal Shem Tov

I'm back to Tbilisi. HEY YA!
Have arrived on Wednesday morning.
It feels so strange, you know. I do not remember what I was doing before I left for Berlin. What kind of person I was. As for now - I can tell I've become much patient and sunnier person, chasidish lass, as I call myself.

By the way I read The Baal Shem Tov stories this Shabbat. He must have been so sweet and lovely man. I wish I knew him. I love rabbis like that, you can talk to and feel open, like rabbi Meir Roberg too.

So, I thank G-d for everything I have got - for those amazing months in Berlin Midrasha, for the people I've met, for all that I've learned there. For my mum and amazing cousins here in Tbilisi.
I am happy!

P.S. Ella wrote to me on Facebook that it was snowing in Berlin this Shabbat and she remembered me :) Oh, how I wish I was there, I'd dance so much with joy and happiness, how great our Hashem is - snow is a wonder for me, as anything else (I pray to Hashem for the snow in Tbilisi... do pray for me girls please!)

Love Is Never Enough

With dearest Chana Rivka

With lovely rebetzin Leah Portnoy & her baby Emuna Brocha

Midrasha gals

I'm leaving for Tbilisi tomorrow.
I can not believe it. CAN YOU?
It feels like I've been here forever. Midrasha has become my life and these girls - important parts of it. I am excited to go home, but hope to come back very soon, bezrat Hashem.

How can I evaluate those 3 months I've been here?
I do not know.
They have been full of fun, love, joy, sun and TORAH LEARNING.
I've become much better person for sure.

And everything started from an e-mail I wrote to Josh, the boss of the place.
It was definitely the beginning of the changes and he made it happen.

I did not like Berlin at first - people were too cold for me, I could not find a friend to talk to... and now I have lots of girls around I can talk to. I got used to midrasha and living with 18 more girls, who have different characters, and they are all just amazing.

There was this community women chanuka party yesterday in midrasha. Paula, Louise and Keren played violins and keyboard, we had tasty food, children were all around... everyone was happy, smily and sweet. When I look at the pictures I took, I can see how my face shines and sparkles. All I ever wanted was - love love love! I always missed family feeling, and suddenly I feel that I belong here to this community. I was happy. I still am.
Even though I've always been loved, it was never enough if you know what I mean.
And I hope more love is coming on my way!!!

Thank you, dear Hashem!
And thanks to all my teachers at the Lauder Institution, best community ever.

Get up & act!

Yesterday I heard Meira and Genia's intellectual conversation-on-stairs about evolution.
I realized that I've never thought about that before.
And I don't care either.

I care about my character and personality. I have to talk to rav Roberg and I did not manage yet. Oh! It's stupid that I need to take time, think and only afterwards make move. I hate this word 'have to', it kills me :( and I know this is my yetzer ara, I'm trying to fight it and hope to win over it.

How can I believe in evolution when all I truly believe in is Hashem. My life's been one big gift and miracle given to me by him. Revolution? I did believe in it some time ago.
Evolution? Not for me.

I need more strength, modesty and 'kick' to get up and act for my good!!!

Just Listening

I know that people are different and I should not demand from everyone to be as I want them to be - like me :|
But why can't they be nicer? I prefer people who can be polite and smile even they don't feel that way. Why can't they just listen? People can't listen, it's unbelievable.

Today we had an amazing shiur with Olga Afanasev, she's just great. I wish more girls could attend her classes - because she just teaches us to listen others, to be compassionate, to be better person so to say. I'm not sure whether it helps or not, but I can see that the girls who come to this class have become friendlier and confident. So have I.
I've always been a listener, but sometimes it gets hard for me - only listening while others hate listening, or if they do listen, you can feel they do kind of favor to you. That's why I prefer to listen and then write, you know, at least I can be heard this way =))

Well, don't take this post too seriously, I'm just very tired, missed my mum, my home, my room, my bed, my kitchen, my sister Lilu - she's the one who can listen to me (and Dina for sure).

Ella, this sweet new girl in midrasha, said today: 'Hashem elokeinu, Hashem echad - that means He is not only One, but He's Unique - when you are sure of that, nothing can ever bring you down.' She's just wonderful person. Thanks for people like her I keep on sunny-ing!

He is Unique, and He is with me, I shall not fear!

Lucky number 8

I've never believed in signs, numbers, but I've always believed in luck.

I mean, you may do everything you can, but you can't push the Luck to be on your side. Call it fortune, fate - whatever, I believe in it. Hashem should help you with it.

I believe that G-d loves me a lot.
Everytime I need something it comes to me this way or another.

Well, yesterday we had to make a choice and take out the number (for the hair and make-up lady visit on Sunday) to reveal the winner of the free hairdo and make-up. Girls started saying: 5, 7, 4, 10... Suddenly I remembered that number 8 is quite symbolic in Judaism, so I asked them to take the number 8. Everyone agreed, I'm sure they thought the same about it. But - under this number was only my name, Baruch Hashem! YEAH!!! My very name. I am the winner of the free makeover.

You know I love experiments, but now my hair desperately needs to get beauty treat anyways. Thus, G-d helped me. I don't care if someone call it just a coincidence, or Newton-Archimede's principles. I know Lord is always with me and helps me in even such not-so-important issues. On my georgian blog, I wrote about Woody Allen's 'Match point', where he's talking about the power/luck which makes tennis ball bounce over the net or fall right out of it. In tennis they call it luck, when ball touches the net and falls over, and what do you think I'd call my hair-thing?

Have a great Shabbat!!!

(Don't forget, G-d is everywhere!)

"BUG" Named SOPHIE

I think I bug people with my theories about kindness, true beauty, sunny smile and etc. What can I do, man? I really believe in all that, I wake up and go to bed thinking about kindness, smile and all;
Today I gave a 'Dvar Torah' (speech) before Minchah for the girls. I talked about Hillel and Shammai in Pirkei Avot, about their arguments about priorities, simply say, what one should do first - study and love people or love people and then study?

So I gave my personal example of Ba'ale T'Shuva, who has come to Judaism just a year ago. I've become much better person after this year, but my basic beliefs and character haven't really changed. I am what I always was. I just got more knowledge, 've become patient and nicer, but not something miraculous, if you know what I mean. So, I said that it's not about how much you learn, but how dedicated you are to the people around, because if G-d wanted us only for praying to Him, He would have placed us on separated islands and we all would lived far from each other. Instead Hashem created nations, communities, families to live with other people and make relationships.
In other words, He created the world for us and us for the world!

Chodesh tov everyone!!!