Little Birdie

Little birdie, little birdie, where do you come from, then?
Looked for crumble, for some crumble but nothing was there. 

German Children Song (with my rough translation)

This little sweet German song about a Little Birdie, that has been looking for a crumble, but could not find any because of Winter, has become so close to my heart lately. 

My big boy learnt it at the Kindergarten and when he came home singing it, and I looked up for the lyrics, I knew right away, that was my song of this period of life.

Not that I am a little in any sense of this word, quite the opposite; especially the ego. Oh, man!

No. It's just I am looking for a crumble too. I feel so spiritually hungry sometimes, so lonely that only thing I can relate to is this Kleine Meise, Little Birdie.

Having such a huge history behind, and ahead. Having the gold as they say and still looking for a silver? Not really. I am fine and settled with my spirituality, but I don't understand everything and I don't do it with joy. I struggle a lot while knowing what I have to do is right and I wouldn't do it any other way, but just having this "must" really makes it harder. And it should be that way too, I know very well. Nothing comes easy, at least for me. 

And for anyone, I guess. It's just we always think others live easier than us without knowing their hearts and souls.

I saw this video of hilarious Rivka Malka the other day and it stayed in my mind forever (now I could not find the exact video, but all her videos are worth of watching). She said, we can never be in other person's shoes, because we have never experienced what the other one has. We have never had the same childhood, upbringing, struggles with other people. Although we can share and relate, be empathic and even feel some of the feelings actually, we'll never be able to fully understand others' woes. 

I mean, I have tried but what I always think is how would I do it, how would I react and cope with it, not how other one could, because I can't know the hormonal changes in others.

Just start talking about something with people and you will get absolutely different answers from everyone, different views, even different understanding of the "obvious" (for you) question.

This used to frustrate me: how could that be, I say this and it's received in that way while I meant it this way?

I am sure everyone had this experience.

So I won't be frustrated if someone calls me saying, lady, what Little Birdie are you talking about? Are you cold? Put on some coat and drink a hot tea with lemon.

Not cold at all.

20 - 30 - - 40

Right!

I turned 30 last week. 30, people, is not a joke.
Although I remember like yesterday when I turned 20 and threw a pajama party, invited my girlfriends and had this deep, spiritual couch talk about different things: what we wanted to be, how we wanted to leave a trail in this world and where we wanted to go to fulfill our calling. We were so young, fresh and full of idealism.
I hoped and almost believed I would be that kind of journalist, who saves the world; my childhood friend thought she would get married soon and have bunch of kids, the other one wanted to travel the world, fourth one of our gang just hoped she would finish her studies and find a good job to rent a flat and move out from her parents'.

So, where are we now?

You know about me, being big fat Mama Sophie - wife of the most Yiddishe man in the world, mum of two naughty boys with Biblical names, and daughter of the most liberal and intelligent lady in the world. I am basically stay-at-home mama, cooking, baking, yelling, often singing and dancing with my children; also naturally bossing around like every mum, who has to do so or things will not be as she wants them to be.

As for my childhood friend, who wanted to get married right away, she hasn't got married yet (no kids either), but she works very hard and is happy about it. The "traveler" one is happily married with one baby girl and second child on its way soon, she hasn't traveled anywhere since then ;-) and the fourth one, indeed found a good job and all, but she hasn't left her parents' yet because her dad got sick, soon passed away and she decided to stay home and comfort her mum.

These are our stories. Very realistic, down to earthly, nobody saving a planet, nobody conquering the Everest, but - living the life as it came down to us, you know?
Most of the times that's how it is, isn't it?
We never know how we "end up", because at 20 none of us can be aware of what is really GOOD for us. In GOOD, I mean, what is right and logical. Priorities change so easily.
And I am a big believer of GOOD things, you know that ;-) I believe everything has its reasons and seasons, if I could put it this way. My people and I don't believe in coincidences. Hashem's will is in EVERYTHING.
Even Jesus Christ knew that, who rebelled against us (oh, happy birthday, by the way :-) Jesus and I are both stubborn Capricorns, aren't we?) and yet all he said is a mere paraphrasing of Jewish Prophets (see Isaiah and Jeremiah) and the Talmud.

Anyway.
I like that I am this old.
30 seemed so old, when I was 20. I thought it was the end of fun, and actually it is :lol: not for everyone, but for the "real slim shady mum" like me, because I don't care much about anything else, but my family nowadays; surely I do about parents, relatives, friends and then comes the world. 20 year old Sophie wouldn't believe in that, but 30 year old one strongly does.

I like that I can look back and see that so many things have happened in my life. There's much more good coming, I know, but the past was ok too, thank G-d. It was hard, but it helped me to appreciate the life afterwards.
I grew up in dark 90's of Post Soviet Georgia and did my homework like Jane Austen in the light of diesel lamp, because electricity was a luxury then and we had it scheduled, couple of hours in the morning and 3-4 hours in the evening. I know, it sounds bizarre now (probably not for most 3rd world countries), but that's how it was. I studied hard, because only that could help me in life. And probably that was/is something that I've been good at, rather G-d made me that way.
School, University... and then came traveling...
Then the Spiritual Quest...

Then Him.

Him again.

:-)

Chuppah.
Love.
Children.
Crazy busy Mama life still in progress.

I think I am fine with all.
So, yeah, it actually does take 30 years to have things figured out and realised who you are, what you want and where you need to be.
Now I can't wait till I am 40 :-D

All the credit and thanks go to the great Creator of the World. Baruch Ata Hashem!!!

Have a nice week!!!

Letters

I love writing letters.
Love letters :D I'm such Tatiana Larina, gosh. I have written thousands of letters and burned them all... only some of them I have sent to their addressees.
Well, I am good at letters - whether it's romantic or formal e-mails. Maybe I should start a business - The Sophie Golden Letter Company, huh?

I write and then think, oh, why did I do that? It is so embarrassing in the end. But I feel relieved. It gives me strength and strange feeling of freedom. Of spiritual freedom, if you know what I mean.

Because I love people and want to show my affection to them. Man, I'm so full of positivity that am afraid to explode in the air one day :))) Can't even think why am I so positive. I have had such crazy life - not an easy one and still, as long as I can walk and talk, and feel the love of G-d, I'll be SUNNY, I promise.