"Selfie" Question-Answer Post

The other day I was thinking if I am modest enough. I mean, do I behave nicely? Am I a good example for other girls and women of my social and religious level? Am I always dressed properly? Do I perhaps laugh little louder than I should?

And after I got all the answers to my above asked questions, I realised what a crazy world we live in.
Modesty? How can anyone be modest (including myself) having Instagram and sharing its "selfies", which I find so very selfish (the word says it itself) and stupid, although I've done more than couple of selfies myself too.

Dressing properly is another important thing for an Orthodox Jewish wife and mum. There are some dress codes, we all follow. It has never been too hard for me because I come from Georgia, where girls dress (at least used to) modestly, not bearing too much skin.

The other day I overheard a Muslim girl actually, who had her beautiful hair all covered saying, that it was not all about hiding from men, but making it clear, that there is more than physicality in women that you should think about. Nice point, right? I actually loved how she saw her traditions and once again made me feel better about really faithful people. I am glad to know that there are Muslim women and men, who truly believe in G-d, good morals and kindness.

So once you are open-minded, always ask questions, try finding questions and believe that G-d is One and Only, you are on a right path.

Now to the laughing part. Yeah, that is something I still have to work on. I love to laugh a lot. If not a laughter, I would have not managed this life. Really.

Tuesday thoughts, here they are.

Have a lovely week!!!

Enjoying beautiful Autumn (resisted well not to post a selfie ;-) )

G-dly union

This morning Ezra, his grandma and I went to the Leipzig train station to do some grocery shopping. When we passed that block, where they sell tickets, I saw a girl who lived in the midrasha too, but she came there right after I got married and left. Now she's just married too. She's really nice and sweet; her husband is also very intelligent and handsome guy.

It was so nice to see her - all smiley and happy, positive and full of hopes and dreams as all newly married girls are. I wanted to hug her and tell her, best life is about to come and wish her all the best that could be in the world.

[You know, sometimes I might be as cold as ice, but mostly I am such heartful sentimental person that can't help loving people - strangers or friends, no matter.]

But I didn't because I've seen that girl only twice in my life and we had literally said only two words to each other: "Gut Shabbes" -- as she was visiting the midrasha for Shabbat then. And I was a bride, all excited, scared, emotional, crazy, witty - saying funny things and hiding I was nervous about losing my freedom and becoming involved in this institution called marriage, so I couldn't pay enough attention to the newcomers, I am really sorry now.

And here, I saw her, lovely bride with sparkling eyes and glowing face with happiness.
I can't explain better, all the words are vain.

Anyone who knows how beautiful and meaningful traditional Jewish wedding is, will understand my emotions and excitement. I respect every religion and believe that all humans around the world are same, they all have heart and soul, they all want to be loved and give love, but when it comes to traditions, nothing can be compared to the Jewish life which is guided by Torah.
Everyone has God, but only Jews have Torah, which means we have double credit :) this is a half joke, because Torah is G-d and G-d is Torah, but what I mean is, that this is the only Book which gives life and is life Itself.
Naturally, Bible belongs to the world, but essential Torah with its beautiful commentaries is only mine (I mean it not literally for sure, rather philo-Sophie-cally).

It is said that receiving Torah from Hashem by Jews was like a wedding between Jewish nation and G-d, because this is most sacred and wholly union on the planet. For only husband and wife can be as close as it can ever be. They are one flesh and one soul, one creation - like G-d and Jewish people.
I know some will think I exaggerate as every sort of religious fanatic does, but all I want to say is that looking at that girl and her new husband made me realise this once more - there is nothing more beautiful than Jewish marriage where two souls are united for G-d and from G-d.

May You My Friends Live Long and Happy Life full of Joy and Torah Light!!! May Hashem bless you with many healthy children and granchildren! Amen!!!

Here are some photos from my own wedding. Yeah. It was not so long ago, it's been 2 years. So fresh and vivid still :)

Lie

Yesterday somebody tweeted this photo of a little Iraqi girl who drew her mum and then lied in her like an embryo. So moving and heartbreaking. I didn't think twice to retweet it.

Then suddenly it stroke me that I was influenced by media. By that very media I hate so much - prejudicial,Western, immoral and mindnumbing.
First, look at the drawing (especially the haircover bow, no way a child could've drawn it so accurately), I don't think girl of this age could have drawn that. It rather looks like a cartoon woman from Marjane Satrapi's books.
Second, this heartbreaking and moving shot is SO very Western, particularly American, that makes me sick. In American, I mean pseudo-emotional images that are pushed on us through Hollywood and media again. Things that have no value and still make us believe they do.

You know how tolerant I am and how I love people, but this photo was too much.
Such a lie.

If someone ever cared for this Iraqi girl (if she really is the one to have drawn her mum) they would never let the war break out - they would never destroy millions of people's lives. They wouldn't get billions from selling the weapon to kill people, to violate their rights and to make them homeless, helpless and orphan. They would never abuse prisoners, never break down the great antiquity of Babilon.
Now please, stop fooling us, especially emotional mums like me, because we can use our brains if/when we need to.

Post-Soviet Me

'You know, it's all just humor. Don't take life so seriously. Don't take fashion too seriously. Don't take the movie industry too seriously. Don't take love and your relationship so goddamned heavy all the time. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Life is high school and it's small and everybody talks about everybody, so just laugh your ass off.'

Drew Barrymore

It's not always so easy to do so we all know it. I wish I could be as lighthearted as Drew states herself in this sentence.

If I were born in sunny California I might also feel that way. Sure it is easy not to take life seriously when you haven't spent your childhood in the destroyed Soviet Union in 90's, or you've never experienced learning English by the light of the gas lamp. No jokes here. When I was at school it was absolutely normal for the electricity to go on and off, and doing home work near the terribly smelly gas lamp was just a regular evening thing.

Why do I recall all of this?
I don't know.
It has been my life and no matter how fast I run I can never get away from it so all I have to do is to write it down and let you know.
I often have dreams about the past; the past that was so surreal you would not believe and sometimes I don't want to believe either. Dreams about people that are there no more, dreams about the places that have faded away and the feelings that came out false and dreams about this little piece of flesh beating in one's chest and making the blood boil...
But dreams always end by the morning and another surreality starts which is known as real life and which is more illogical than the dreams one had last night.
I guess the Soviet Union was a dream too. Unbearable dream for some people. Utopia. And Utopia is nothing but surreal, isn't it?
So you can never blame this little (relatively) me of being irrational or too rational because I am a product of the gas lamp generation; the product of the lame American movies and the wall that has never been there even though the whole world claimed it was.
All my friends are the products too. Not only friends but all the people that lived around that time and by the end of the 90's did not know whether laugh or cry after becoming the citizens of so called democratic republics (for this I recommend you amazing German movie "Good bye, Lenin").
Democracy, my feet. As some people would say politely.
There is no such thing.
There's only dream, dreamers and G-d laughing at the latter.

Sometimes I do feel that life is not worth of eating oneself. Then I am carefree and laughing out loud realizing the vanity of being. I am not the first one to notice that becoming psychotic about things do not make them work actually, you only win when you are calm and self confident.
And again, does winning always means getting what you really want or need?
No it doesn't.

Therefore:

What you need you already have and what you want is just a matter of time, that's what would I suggest and keep smiling not minding my dark post-soviet childhood.

P.S. I've been 27 since last Friday :) that makes a girl think, no?

Mamas and little girls

I am so into Victoria Beckham and her baby girl lately. We know Mrs Beckham got the style, got the flow and got it all. But what's most adorable in her is her baby daughter Harper who is so cute you can't help to love her. Well, also mind the designer clothes she's always dressed in like that of Chloe or "loving" Prada as her fashion obsessed mum has revealed.

Some may say Victoria's overdoing with her daughter but what I would say is that she is very good wife, mother of four and always wearing clothes like no-one else could've worn that way. I think everyone would love to be so successful in everything she does and above all, having lovely family that rocks it all.

Oceanic letter

Dear Rebekka Averbach,

I decided to write you a blog letter.
Been listening to this song and somehow it reminded me of you - not that this girl is like you or anything, on the contrary - she's calm and singing so gladly, maturely, surely not a teenager.

Well, Rebekka, more than five years ago there was this girl believing in the dreams of Teddy (you remember him, don't you), diaries of Che Guevara and writing letters to some Czech authors; travelling all around and looking for the place to dwell...

Now this girl has found some Australian or maybe New Zealandian anonymous poet Alabama Otis and she is reading all she has ever written. It is weird to name the Australian girl Alabama, isn't it? Who knows probably there are many Alabama state lovers in New Zealand too. So weird but fact is that there she is, this Alabama Otis writing down all that happens around her, she writes down the dialogues between her and her husband, she writes down the words she hears in the street or while she rides a bike and hears the wind whispering through her hair.

Do you also go and keep the diary about what people say? Do you go and collect emotions that people lose here and there?

No, I don't. I think nobody really does except Alabama Otis. She's been living in this little town near the ocean. It is Summer beginning in Australia and New Zealand now. And she loves Summer, because it is the time when people keep spreading their emotions, take off the clothes they don't need anymore and become lighthearted like birds.
And mostly it is not even about clothes or emotions, it is all about our attitudes. Anyways, we all know it is all in our heads.
Don't we, Rebekka?

Whatever you might be doing in your little German city and no matter how far you might be from Alabama Otis and her warm oceanic home, remember to be free and sweet, ok? Not that sugar-honey-oversweetened but the sweet like natural fruits can be, having sparkles in your eyes and ride your bike with your hair loose on your shoulders and letting the wind to curl it up even more.
Summer will be back from Australia soon.

...

Lights will guide you home

This post is dedicated to the memory of Sylvia Plath - my late inspiration.

Sipping my Earl Grey while there are words of the Coldplay's "Fix You" in my mind.
Trying to believe that lights will guide me home... home... There have been major changes in my life. Since March 23rd I've been engaged to get married. I am to be a wife. I am to be the one warming up home and making it into the coziest place for my husband and most irresistible castle for the non-friends.

I am so grown up while I still sometimes feel like this little Georgian girl wandering around the world who used to look for the light. Light guiding home, light guiding to the heart of the person who could be the light itself.

What does every girl dream of? Finding a perfect guy, to love and be loved. To get married, wear a white gown and feel like the queen of the universe knowing this must be the best day of her life.
I've never dreamed of wedding actually. All I ever wished was to marry a guy who would be worth of dedicating my life.
There is very famous German scholar Rabbi Hirsch who said love is something to come after marriage, after the time two people become one and I cannot agree more, but before two becoming one you need chemistry between those two; you need this divine or, let us say, physical attraction that makes them committed to each other.

Life is all about seeing the light and letting it guide you through darkness. We all know spiritual and mental darkness is the worst of all. Just have finished Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" and once more realised that life is so hard especially for intelligent women. You may go insane by every little thing that comes your way and does not go your way if you know what I mean. More you think less you know.

Then you just sip off your Earl Grey and loving the last drop of it - bittersweet and so English tasting - warms you up and guides you to serenity. If there is any serenity at all. It is all up to you.

All about it

I wish I could wake up and see the face I have dreamed about last night.
I wish I had a daisy field.
I wish I were a little wild girl with golden hair running through that very daisy field.
I wish I were somewhere warm and sunny.

Then I realize it is not about where you are, who you are or what you have been dreaming about - it is all about your heart. It is all about your soul; about your shining face and sad eyes. It is always about one's heart and mind.
Dear friend of mine told me that I often say very HIGH things which make one nervous, but I cannot help - I feel that way. Sometimes I feel so HIGH spiritually that I am to explode with this belief and trust to Almighty. Really.

[Missing my youngest aunt. Woke up and remembered about her today. She is so cool and understanding, I wish I could talk to her more, to sit there with her knowing she could just listen and tell me softly whatever is good.]

All I really wish is happiness and health for me and my offspring (whenever I'll have'em)!!!
Nothing else matters. Absolutely nothing.

Sophie's Thursday

I love Thursdays.
Sometimes I don't.
Usually I do.

Oh, on Thursdays I am a chesed girl which means I go to the particular family of our community in the evening and help to cook for Shabbat. I am the least person fond of cooking but anyways I can make nice things. I made choux pastry and apple kugel at the Smith's today. I have been eager to learn cooking lately actually, I would like to feed my husband well one day. I think when you care about someone you can go over your limits and try to work on the skills you never cared about before.
Life is amazing, isn't it?

Forget that.
I still love Thursday.
It is last day of the working/studying week for me. It means after chesed I can grab a beer, peanuts and have some time with myself sitting, listening to Melanie C and watch some movie after.

Beck's gold has done its job... see you when I'm sober ;) :D

Grey Berlin and the movie life

Marilyn's pictures always inspire me. I'd love to think that I am her reincarnation in a way. At least I believe I have the little piece of her soul in me.

I had the best week end in Leipzig full of fun, emotions and alcohol. What else does a girl like me need?
Shabbat was amazing, very well organized. The Khabinsky family just swell. Went for bowling although my bowling skills not that swell. I had fun though. I liked to be there where my people were.
Visited the coffee museum on Sunday and wrote a note in a guest book. In Georgian :) I wrote that life is a movie, especially my life and I wish it remains that way: beautiful, challenging, and sweet. So is coffee, no?

Berlin is grey today. Grey and sleepy.

My friend texted me this morning. It is so nice to know how one feels, probably because I kind of felt that way too. Sometimes I am scared to show off my emotions, but then I remind myself I should not be embarrassed about my feelings and be free. I am free. Right? You are, Sophie. Thank you, friend of mine :)

My dear Robergs got back in Berlin and it makes me happy. Rabbi Roberg gave a shiur this morning. He has cold, I am so worried about him. He looked tired and pale. My heart really hurt. He is like my grandpa you know, he has supported me in many things, and has always shown he and rebbetzin are always there for me. So I felt like it is my very close person ill and weak, and I can't help with anything. I wish I could tell him how I love and respect him, I am sure he knows that anyway.

Gosh. This Tuesday blues is so funny and melancholic at the same time. Weird, isn't it? Not only Mondays, Tuesdays can be blue too.
All I ask for is - no more snow, G-d, please!!! I can't take any more cold, really. Let the Spring come and embrace me!

Don't let anyone bring you down

We had this conversation on Shabbat about being foreigner and its advantages. One girl said that it's really cool because nobody labels you and no-one tells you what you should have achieved so far. Then we discussed the choice of our lives to be observant Jews and keeping all the commandments. I said that all of us have come to this point of life when everyone understood lifechange was necessary so what is the better place than our midrasha? This girl agreed and added that it is still very difficult to define what one wants and if one chooses the right thing for the reality is different from as we imagine it.
Ok. What did I answer? You know me. I did not hesitate and said that WE MAKE OUR REALITY, and I personally don't let the system get me down if you know what I mean. Life is what you make it, isn't it?

And today I found this book in the Midrasha library, "Let's face it" by Tzipporah Heller and Sara Yocheved Rigler. Even though I am not very fond of this kind of books, I liked lots of ideas in it. One of the issues was exactly 'my' subject of making one's own world and reality. Nobody is saying that you should separate yourself from the society or public life, but you should not let anything spoil your goals and belief. Imagine if Jews have ever surrendered, where could've led it us anyway? NOWHERE!!!

So don't let anyone say that you are old-fashioned, or too smart (been through this), don't let anyone bring you down just because you don't fit in a popular culture frame!!! Just believe in One G-d, and your abilities of changing yourselves and the world you are living in!
I believe. I always have, Baruch Hashem!!!
Of course I am not constantly happy; get sad and get lots of problems to solve, but in the end of the day I know WHO I stand with and WHAT I stand for.

Come closer, don't be shy

Ok, I have always been fond of Scarlett Johansson, not of her singing though. Especially when she covered Tom Waits. But more I listen more I like it. She sings from the depth of her lungs, doesn't she? And it must be very hard. It is always hard to cover someone great while you're a petite blonde girl with big boobs. I can't actually tell what it's like for I am none - neither petite blonde nor with big boobs, I'm just guessing.

Sore-ority :)

It's my 100th post on this blog and I have terrible cold. My nose, throat and eyes are sore, plus Shavuot is coming and I feel like a zombie :( I wanted to be happy and energetic on this day, and I'm so miserable - have no mood neither to eat nor to laugh. I very much hope that I'll get some sleep before Yom Tov and will be better for the following night.

I wanted to tell you about this new girl in midrasha. She's staying with us for Yom Tov, she studies in the USA, at Yale and you can imagine how I like her. Ella's her name and she's supersmart. It's such pleasure talking to her, she's got very low and calm voice, speaks in friendly and nice tune. I love Yale. I mean, that's where I always wanted to study and live all that life students do there. Ella told me that it's very different from other universities in Europe and all - in addition with studies, they also do many social activities, have some societies and etc. Sounds like some smart kids' movie, doesn't it? I am so glad that I have an opportunity to meet so many smart and nice people from around the world. I hope they feel the same way about me. If they don't it will be a heartbreak for me. Especially now when I feel so fragile because of cold that I have to blow my nose every other minute.

Chag Shavuot Sameach!

So different yet the same

I had quite intense days. Lost in translation to say so.
Sometimes it's really a wonder that happens to me - when I feel tired, lonely and miserable, suddenly I remember some people who have been in my life, whom I have met and how they influenced me with their bright and kind spirits.

I found out that this girl, Ruchi, who I met in Antwerp on Sukkot got engaged. Mazal tov! I am so glad for her, hope she will have hatzlacha (good luck) in everything. She was the first hassidic girl I've ever known. Before I went to Antwerp I was told how strict orthodox those people were. So I was little afraid of hassids, tell you truth. Then we were invited at Belzs' and that's where I met Ruchi, amazing person with kindest and loveliest dark eyes I have ever seen. Then we started this game that all the girls should have divided in two and do conversation with the girl seated next. So Ruchi and I got together, she told me about her family, life in general, so did I. I was absolutely charmed by her natural beauty and lovely smile. When we talked about the difference between our lives, she told me: "We are still same as we are Jewish." That really made me think over many things and decide that difference is beautiful and G-d has known how to arrange this world so we, different people, could come together and share the same faith which lays in/with Him.

Thank You, Lord. Thank you, dear Ruchi and everyone who never stops smiling and knows that we should not take this life for granted, but be thankful and happy for everything we have got.

Just SMILE

I want to inform YOU that:

• I am not that sweet and babyish girl I seem to be
• I hate talking to strangers
• I do not care what happens in 2012 - "apres moi le deluge", ok?
• I do not believe in silly compliments

But I do believe that this world is not designed for me... wait, I think that was George Byron saying that :P
Well, take it easy and just smile at me if you really want to impress me.

Brave Queen

Buddhists believe if you wear these earrings all the time you avoid to reincarnate into donkey in your next life ;) Buddhists really are cool, aren't they. But I am not one of them, I used to think that maybe one can really find serenity in Tibet, but you know what? People are same everywhere and if I got bugged by them here, Tibet won't be exception, I am sure.

One of my Irish friends said that she'd like to leave that 'shit hole' (that's what she said) and go somewhere where she could live freely and would not be government's slave. I felt sad for her because she can't get away from that wherever she goes. If you are rebellious person and can't get along with system and people - there won't be a place to dwell in and be comfortable.

Purim's almost here and I think more about that. I think about Queen Esther being courageous and faithful to G-d, to her people. She did not try to run, did she? Esther stayed there beside the strange man, faced the difficulties and accomplished her mission for good.
I never liked Purim, tell you truth. It was not my celebration to say so, I could not understand nor feel something about it, but this year I learned that everything has its reason, G-d always knows what to do to us, where to take us and what kind of obstacle bring before us. I thank Him for that. I'll be there where I have to be - to serve G-d, complete my task and be brave like dearest Queen Esther.

PURIM SAMEACH!!!

Canção do Mar

While listening to Sara Tavares and Dulce Pontes, I think to myself - what if my grandmother would have been Brazilian. I'd had a dark skin, green eyes and much curlier hair than I have now. And I would go to the Ocean everyday. I would have been most crazy Brazilian girl ever.
Then I would buy a ranch and have horses, cows, everything on my own. And my grandmother would call me: Luara, or maybe Selena... or Dulce :))

I would have voice like Dulce Pontes and ocean would embrace me with love... Brazilian grandma, why don't you call & say: 'My baby girl, come on over and take care of me'. I would not think twice, take my black suitcase, green rucksack and dash over the ocean, I really would. You just call.

In my head

Oh, G-d. I just realized that I'm being watched :| well, not by the One above, but by people around the world, who read my blog, express (or never) their opinion and look into my brain (and soul maybe). I knew it before, but when I read other blogs I can understand that I cannot write what I really want and mean anymore. Because people will start to call me, e-mail me about my mood, why, Sophie? This and that...

Suddenly I feel like a lost child of 70's really, who struggles with life in this damn 21st century. Maybe I am very ungrateful person, but I just wanna be happy and I try to be... sometimes it just doesn't work that way.
I know IT'S ALL IN MY HEAD!

February 10th and I am still that Salinger girl who I used to be... trying to cope with all that comes my way. No explanations.

A Writer

I've been trying to write a book since I was kid.
When I finished high school, I told my mum I did not want to go to university, but sit home and write a book. She looked at me puzzled then. What kind of book could a 17 years old girl write?
I did take a break after school, but did not write a book.
Yes, I have written some poems, novels, even published them somewhere, but it did not make me a writer.

Three years later I went to university, faculty of social and political sciences. This year majored in Journalism and minored in Psychology. During these 4 years I've been writing lots of things, made a blog and all, but still haven't got a book.

Now I am a big girl, 25 under my belt.
Isn't a time to write that precious book I've always wanted?

But when I look at my blog (especially georgian one), I see that half of my book is written there and all I have to do is to copy and correct a little. So I hope that I'll start writing my very book soon. Can't wait.

And then I could freely say - I am a writer (no-one will be able to give me a puzzled look saying: what kind of job is that?)

נס גדול היה שם

נס גדול היה שם

I don't know what's a miracle for you.

It is the sunshine in the morning, it is the girls of midrasha :)
I am the miracle :)
I don't like typical miracles, because for me life is miracle itself.

You know what I learned today from this amazing girl Ella?
One should accept any result it gets because it is from Hashem, whether it's good or bad.
Only then we'll be able to be happy, really happy.
What makes us miserable is the feeling of weakness, solitude - when we fail and think that G-d has forsaken us... that's when melancholy comes and win over us... at least it comes to me quite often.
I'm starting to work on it right away!!!
My new friend Ella is the miracle for me, and I thank G-d for the people I get a chance to meet and become better person myself.

P.S. I did actually :) I spoke to rav Roberg. So my yetzer ara is happy as ever ;)

CHANUKA SAMEACH EVERYONE!!!

BE HAPPY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE GOT! I AM SURE YOU HAVE GOT ALL YOU NEED!