Great with Child

Last book I've read is Beth Ann Fennelly's "Great with child".

I am usually very sceptical towards new authors, especially American ones. You know I adore American literature, mostly THE writers like Salinger, Hemingway, Capote, but modern literature is a disaster just like their cinematography, G-d forbid, how could I ever call Hollywood movies Cinema :D

Anyways, Beth Ann Fennelly is one of those rare authors that absolutely got me into them. First, she's got Irish roots and red hair. Second, she's mum of three. Third, she's a poet and not bad either. I've read couple of her poems and liked them actually, but this book I've mentioned above is something that every mother or to-be should read. Not only extremely encouraging and funny, but it's also very witty and non-judgmental.
I've always been trying to be non-judgmental, but not succeed quite often, people bug me anyways and I call them names, or label and even ban them. While Beth Ann Fennelly seems to be so tolerant to any kind of people, mostly mums in this case, that gives you strength to become little bit like her too.

Except all that, Fennelly's also a freak of grammar, like me, should I say. She especially can't stand when people ignore apostrophes. I liked that so much. Even though I am not from English speaking country at all and nobody would judge (hopefully) my English, but I really try to speak and write correctly and when some native speaking people can't tell between "it's" and "its", or "you're" and "your" seems so embarrassing to me.

So I recommend everyone to read this book. I am even going to re-read it, so enjoyable like a friend of yours writing to you and you are dying to respond or ask some advice, but you really can't.
We all need friends like Beth Ann Fennelly, oh I do a lot.

Have a lovely time!!!

Better one

When I put Ezra to sleep millions of thoughts fly into my mind like colourful butterflies and they are beautiful. Usually my thoughts are beautiful or should be so if I try to think about pleasant things more. Sometimes those thoughts are little melancholic and nostalgic, mostly they are sweet and tender like my baby’s dreams.

I love when he falls asleep and I can see how peaceful he is, how innocent and miraculous. Every baby is a miracle, but I came to realise this only after a year I think. I never thought it would be so true when people used to say that you only feel real love towards your child after she’s one, because the circle of some phase is closed and you can see clearly what all that was about.

Those hard times of first months when I just started to nurse Ezra, the almost 4 months of colicky period, when he had terrible winds and I couldn't help him much, then those times when I tried to train him to sleep… I know more is to come, but this first year is unique, makes my heart melt, because I know this was about building the physical and emotional fundament for Ezra to keep growing up and becoming an excellent person.

Time has flown. I mean that’s how people say, but I don’t quite agree with that. Time has gone by just as I’ve expected – on its time. Time is wise. Rather Hashem is.

Now I just walked by the small sofa and recalled Ezra when he was two months old, he would fall asleep on my chest and then I would put him on that sofa very very slowly so he stayed asleep and I could go to cook dinner. Then I would come back on my tiptoes to check him and tried my best to walk so that our laminate floor wouldn’t make noise. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes – not and he would wake up asking to hold him and comfort him. Then we would nap together on the same sofa – we had often napped there for three hours, which was great and I will always miss it. I am not sure if one gets as much sleep with next babies because first one needs so much attention, doesn’t he?

I’ve also grown a lot during this year. I look back and some days seem like a dream. As if they've never happened, but I only saw a dream and it faded away leaving little purple touch on my soul, if you know what I mean (well, those who know my love to Marquez). There are so many things in life influencing us, hurting us and in the same time motivating us to move on, never stop, never mind stumbling, just go on and on.

I learnt how to be patient, not to lose my temper as easily as I used to; I achieved being nicer to people that annoy me, not to get angry with Ezra when he refuses to sleep or eat, which still is something I keep on working and making myself not to explode, but smile to him and show how calm I am so he eats one more spoonful porridge. Still a challenge.

Life is all about learning anyway. I need to learn new things everyday in order to move on and become better person than I was yesterday -- better wife, better mum, better daughter and just better Sophie. Not always easy, rather hard, but achievable, that's what I'm here for.

Mit einem Kind... Mami's new world

It's been so long ago since I've blogged, almost a month.

We had lovely Pesach, Ezra had his first birthday and I've had some inner fights with myself and the world. The fight is still going on and I very much doubt it will ever cease.

Now I'd like to tell you about the card I got from my very dear friend Michal for the rosh chodesh of Adar. Michal is a young girl who used to live in Leipzig but now studies at university in a different town. So she visits her family in Leipzig on holidays. I am so glad whenever she comes to Leipzig, always lets me know and offers me help for Shabbat.
We met in Berlin in 2009 first, in the midrasha, and she impressed me with her modesty and colourful tights right away :) she was one of very few people I got along with and was not bored.

She's intelligent, sweet and, very important, - she can listen and never interrupt you. I find this character trait admirable, because most people can't hold their tongues and if they do, they never listen to you, but can't wait you to finish your sentence so they start telling their story. I understand we all care about ourselves and consider things we say more serious than others', but we should try not to. I really do try to be more attentive, to hear what people say and don't push my problems on them. Isn't it enough I talk/write so much and make people read? :)

Last August when Ezra was just four months old and it was lovely weather even in Germany, we went for a walk in the Rosenthaler Park and met Michal there. We talked, walked and had a really nice time, plus Ezra fell asleep and we had loads of time to stroll around the park and have a lovely conversation. That's when I liked her even more.
After that I also decided to delete my Facebook account for good. I realised I saw pictures of others' children more than I spent time with my little baby, who laid on his rug and "talked" to the old brown puppy while his mummy scrolled the Facebook up and down. I realised Facebook was stealing my life and my true self... that's a different story, but the point is Michal sort of helped me to figure this out better.
That was also the day when I told Michal that after having a baby my world had totally changed and it seemed like some new unknown world had opened up for me.
And guess what? Just before Purim Michal gave me this card saying exactly the same I said to her on that very Summer day at the Rosenthaler Park in Leipzig.

 

It means so much to me if I could only explain. I try to talk as little as possible and I usually don't show my feelings to others, but then I felt that I could tell to Michal how different my world had become after having Ezra. 

And she got it. She remembered it.

She found this card somehow and made my Adar definitely. Not only that month but more, as I will keep this card as longer as it's possible. It's also cute that this woman on the card looks kind of like me, wears colourful dress and loves cloth bags just as I do. 

Now, tell me, doesn't everything in this world has its time and space? Didn't G-d give inspiration to some nice person to paint me, a post soviet traumatized girl in her late twenties? 

I love imagining everything is connected in this world and all of us, no matter where we come from, what religion do we practice or how much we weigh, have same soul and emotions - we're never alone. While I suffered from Postpartum stuff and terrible babyblues, cried my heart out for almost six months after giving birth, adjusting with my new self and all, there was also someone somewhere feeling just like me wearing orange dress and her baby on her chest, carried the cloth bags and thought: "Mit einem Kind entdeckt man die Welt aufs Neue -- With the baby, one discovers the world anew".

Thank you, Michal!!!

Rosh Chodesh - NISSAN

Rosh Chodesh NISSAN, here you are!

This Rosh Chodesh is very special and touching for me, even though Jewish calendar of this year is little too quick. Meaning, last year when my baby Ezra was born on 12th of Nissan it was right the beginning of April 2012, while this year his Jewish birthday is going to be little earlier than the secular one, in the end of March. Nissan is the month of Ezra's birthday, month of Jewish nation's spiritual and physical freedom from slavery. I use to say that sometimes we are still slaves of various material things. It may sound banal, but yes, we are all slaves of our own egos and then you know it - all these luxury stuff. Not that material well-being is bad, but getting obsessed with so much vanity, definitely is.

Still off the track as usual.

Rosh Chodesh literally means the head of the month. As we define it - appearing of the new moon which is a sign of a new month. Since monthly periods and anything bound to time are very much connected to women, we call Rosh Chodesh - time of women. Many women come together, go out, or have night ins, give lessons, talk, drink coffee/tea and share SO many things we, women, can always have in store.
Traditionally (or maybe not) women shouldn't do much on this day (sometimes rosh chodesh lasts two days) - dress beautifully and have some time to meditate, and be happy. Before I was married I never appreciated this time as much as I do now, probably because I have very little time for myself and let alone, for meditating. So whenever it's Rosh Chodesh, I try to make it a bit more special as other days: I put make up, wear some accessories, get dressed better than usual and most importantly, I listen to music or write and you know, I am happy (well, happier when my husband has time to go out for some ice-cream. IDEAL.).

Rosh Chodesh Nissan is different though. Pessach is in two weeks, which means forget meditation and get back to your cleaning and dusting. I was taking very easy this prePesach cleaning before one day when I was changing Ezra I found crumbles in his sleeve. Then I freaked out - 'I HAVE TO START CLEANING NOW!!!'
All right, now I am calmer and know that I shall manage with Hashem's help (also my mother-in-law's). Now, let me enjoy Roch Chodesh and exterminate all the cakes and cookies that are left.

Chodesh Tov!!!

Ocean's? No, Ezra's 11

It's been a little hard week. I get very little sleep. Ezra turned 11 months on Monday and he is going through some weird milestone.

On Monday we went to Nova Eventis, trade centre in Leipzig, to buy a new car seat for Ezra. We couldn't pick up anything for a long time. There are so many car seats, different brand names, some famous, some - not, some with crazy prices, some - reasonable. Finally we bought something and when got back home, realised we didn't quite approve it so now we have to return it and get a new one.
Even though Ezra and I mostly use public transport, as I've already mentioned many times, he still needs a car seat because sometimes we get to ride somewhat little far and he is absolutely grown out from the old Babyschale. Plus, he doesn't like to be half sitting, he's a big boy, I understand him.

Well, since that Monday or rather Sunday night, he's been sleeping terribly. It's either his teeth which are coming all at the same time or it's just some developmental- or so called separation anxiety thing that make him fuss. He wakes up several times at night crying and about 1am he just refuses to stay in his bed but be taken in mine. I tried not to take him but he cried so hard I couldn't stand letting him cry so much especially at night when we all need to get some sleep. Once he's with me, he falls asleep immediately, but wakes up at dawn asking to nurse and would nurse forever if I let him. I thought he was weaning but he's fallen in love with nursing back again, I guess. Of course I still love it too, but it's exhausting especially at night.

I know he'll grow out of it and I'll miss this time like I miss when he was a tiny baby sleeping on my chest. But before he will I get tired and tired mum tends to complain and feel like her eyes are falling out and backache is unbearable.
Still, being mum is something that really makes me stronger. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right? Ha ha!

PrePurim Preps

Purim is my favourite festival. It has so many symbols and hidden miracles that I can't help but fall in love with megillah, Purim spiel and of course, mishloach manot every year all over again.

Last year I was very pregnant at Purim time and couldn't really manage to make loads of things. I made only gozinaki and Hamantaschen for our community friends.
This year Ezra's 10 months old for Purim, he's big and well behaved (sometimes) boy, so I have more energy and motivation to make nice things for us and friends as well.

Here are some pictures of my work in progress. Preparing for Shabbat and Purim at the same time, not easy, but definitely fun and lovely.
The final results (and recipes too) will be posted later when it's all ready and packed :)

Gut Shabbes and Purim Sameach!!!

Mother instinct

First what I did when I got pregnant was to subscribe to all those mother-to-be magazines and internet portals so I could receive all the updates about baby's development and all.

First thing what I did after Ezra was born - I unsubscribed from all those mentioned above.

Have you read all they write?

Some publications definitely say that every baby is unique and has individual milestone, but most of them demand so much from babies and their parents.

What's annoyed me most:

1) Sleeping.
Baby should sleep millions of hours, start to sleep through the day from two or three months old.
This is unrealistic. At least it was/is for us.
Baby needs to wake up several times a night to be nursed and soothed by mum especially at this tender age of two-three months. I remember Ezra slept cutely till 1am and then woke up wanting me to nurse him and cuddle. Then I would put him back to his bed until 4-5 am when he woke up for second time and then he'd stay with me till morning.

1.2) Sleeptraining.
All right, it might be that I have failed in that many times. I got a book from friend who actually sleep trained her baby for good. Her baby would go to bed at 6 and slept until 6 in the morning without problem, then napped three times a day for an hour each nap. It never worked with Ezra though. I would put him to sleep at 6 and he wouldn't sleep till 7-7:30; as for naps, it was terrible for all of us, he'd also nap three times a day, but not more than 15-20 minutes or he could've not napped at all.
Again, babies are different and you can't measure all of them similarly.

2) Eating.
Again, most babies eat every three hours, but Ezra would get hungry every two, sometimes 1,5 hours, nursed for couple of minutes and let go. We had his colicky to blame, but he still remains not very good eater.

3) Last but not least, mothers' extra weight.
Pushing and shoving before our face all the photos of the celebrities, or as I call lately, people of cheap and shallow, how fast have they lost their weight and look fabulous, while average mums look aged, tired and fat.
They probably forget that those mums have army of babysitters, nannies, cleaning people and thousands of assistants. Most of them don't breastfeed, don't wake up at night, don't change diapers and I am sure, they don't have to do household stuff besides the baby like most of us, normal and natural women, do.
So it is a big shame to depress new mums about their weight showing the photos of the slim actresses who had given birth just the other day and look fresh like cucumbers, like Georgian saying goes.

Now you know why you shouldn't listen to anyone but your own inner voice and mother instincts which are never wrong. As time goes by and my baby grows older, I realize that my instincts get really stronger and I almost never fail to feel what my baby, my family and I need.

Mummy concerns

We, new mums, are so paranoid. Well, I really am.
Ezra doesn't sleep and fusses at night - my heart goes down.
Ezra sleeps 6-7 hours stretch at night and 2 hours nap by day - I am peeking in the room hundreds of times to check if he's breathing.
Ezra doesn't eat - terrified.
Ezra eats a lot - also terrified.
Sneezes - GOSH!
Coughs - Ezra, what's that? Why are you coughing???

Are you all mums, more or less, like that?

Mother's job must be the hardest because no other job has your blood and bones, no other job melts your heart. Admit it, most people only work for money, if it wasn't about that, no one would get up in the cold winter morning and drove to the office or anywhere else, rather stay in bed, have a tea or coffee in peace and surf internet whole day. And cuddle with the warm and lovely baby.
Yeh, G-d has cursed the human race for good to work their guts out.

Ezra's friend from Ikea

Anyway.
I AM HAPPY.
I have the best job in the world.

Happiness or joy

Today was the day when Ezra acted like little me. I couldn't make him nap when he was supposed to, refused to nurse and all he wanted was to play and giggle. No nap means he becomes hyperactive and I have to keep up with him which is not that easy after being sleep deprived, and still loads of household stuff to do. That's when I think I am going to lose it whatever this might mean.
On days like today I just can't wait when evening comes and put baby to sleep so I can have some time for myself a bit.

 

After Ezra fell asleep today and I also took half an hour nap, sort of felt better and started to pick up the photos to make our family album. It's a shame that we haven't even done our wedding album but my husband's colleague did and gave us as a present. Her husband is an amateur but still takes amazing pictures, so they made an album for us which was very nice. More kudos to Germans, who are actually quite honest and nice people. Although two photos in this post were taken by my sweet friend from Bulgaria, Masha Vasileva.

  

I found myself smiling all the time when I looked at our wedding photos. I tend to forget what a beautiful day it was and how happy we were. Some say, happiness is temporary and what one must do is to be joyful - because that is eternal, but I think it was such a mesmerizing moment filled with happiness, joy, excitement and LOVE all the same that nothing could ever make it different.

It wasn't that long ago actually, year and a half, as a matter of fact, but sometimes it seems like it was centuries ago when we used to be young, beautiful and slim (talking about myself)...
Now I know, whenever I am tired or down, or just sick of this heavy world, I should look at those photos and make myself as sunny as I should be.

6 months and more

Ezra used to be a good sleeper even though he was colicky for almost 4 months in the beginning. He would still sleep from 7:30 till 1 am, then I nursed him and put him back in his bed. Then he woke up between 3-5am to eat and I let him sleep with me till morning. 
Now it's been already a month he refuses to sleep in his bed at night. I try so hard. He may fall asleep there for half an hour, then wakes up crying and wouldn't stop before I rock him and put him in my bed where I also should lay down beside him and soothe him.

via

I don't know what can be the reason?
It might be that he's growing and changing so quickly becoming a big boy. So he might be afraid of staying alone and needs his mummy to warm and comfort him. I love to do so, but it is so hard sometimes when I have loads to do and have to leave it all and lay down with the baby. I hope he grows out of it and come on, how long is he going to be a baby? Time flies, as they say and I will miss him as a baby one day, I am sure.
Most probably he's teething and I just don't realize it. Can't wait to wake up one day and see his little cute tooth already.

What's important, he's happy baby. Smiling and singing all day. It's so funny hearing him say: ma ma, ba ba, amba, bamba... He rolls from his tummy on the back, although he is so lazy and I make him roll from back on the tummy. Sometimes he surprises me too - when I least expect him to roll or crawl, he actually does. He tried to crawl on Friday and I was so excited, I started to shout with joy to my husband who was in the bathroom and Ezra got really scared. I felt so bad then, what if I discouraged him about crawling. I hope I didn't.

I haven't told you I started to give him solids. We started last Wednesday with carrot puree and Ezra really liked it. I thought he couldn't eat since he's been only nursed for whole 6 months, but he managed it quite well, thank G-d. I started with 3 spoons. Our doctor said 4-6 spoons, but I was little afraid that it might have been difficult for his stomach, but it went well. Hopefully I'll give him some new vegetable this week, been thinking about zucchini; they give potatoes in Germany because this is most popular food here. It's going to be either zucchini or potatoes, we'll see. I really can't wait to give him meat. I am so fond of beef you know, I am very big lover of meat, in general and hope so will be Ezra (my husband is a total Yiddishe guy, he loves chicken and turkey that we have discovered lately and I make really delicious turkey something for Shabbat evening, should give you recipe later).

Sometimes, when I am really tired and just can't take anymore, I remind myself how cute Ezra usually is, smily and funny, and that he is my baby, gift from G-d. Plus, I am mother and HAVE TO take care of my baby, so what if I get tired? Every mum does. That's what makes mums special - being tired and sleep deprived all the time, still happy and proud of their offspring.

Babies and mamas again

Seriously, sometimes I get sick of those mamas talking only about their babies and what drives me mad is when I read their letters. G-d!
How come everybody's baby is an angel?
How come others' babies sleep like lambs through the night?
How come they go to sleep by themselves, no rocking, no singing, just a kiss goodnight and there they go?

 

Lovely Emma Bunton (baby spice) with her baby boy

I just don't believe them.
My baby doesn't sleep through the night and I believe that's natural.
He's not an angel, thank G-d. He has a personality and in Judaism that matters a lot. Angels are considered as G-d's slaves who have no freedom of choice unlike humans. So, my baby is a real human - he cries, fusses, wakes up early in the morning and scratches my nose with his tiny nails and makes me happier than anyone can be.
He doesn't go to sleep by himself. He needs to be soothed and rocked, and cuddled and kissed and held tight to mummy's chest because that is the most safe place in the world.

We are not perfect, thanks to Hashem, neither me nor Ezra. I can't tell you whether we strive for it or not. I just want to be the mum that will always be there for her son and make him feel secure. I hope I shall be the extraordinary mum giving my child freedom and independence while setting some limits so he learns right from wrong.Well, I am my mum's daughter, can't fight it (I will always be amazed by how great she's been, may she live long and healthy life!!!).
And Ezra wants to be happy for this moment. He just wants to play with us, have fun, be cared, loved and nurtured as every other human being. Sounds like the Smiths' song, doesn't it?

I guess I lost the point.
If you really want to know, I take it easy. I shouldn't and don't judge those mums. They just seem superficial to me. How can they be so calm and happy with everything? Do not their babies cry at all? Have they never thrown up on them? Haven't they been hurt in the beginning of nursing? COME ON!
There are few blogs where I've read honest mums and keep reading them. They are great not trying to be the ones they are not. 
And then comes the light when I tell myself, Sophie, why don't you relax and enjoy your life, I mean, get mad if you want to and be the kind of mum you like, forget others. But I am a human too, you know, and I tend to believe I might be better than others which is not nice at all, I know. Because no-one is better than other; we are all same. The difference is only in culture and geographic psychology as such. Just forget the religion and my soviet background in the upbringing. I am still the sunniest sun in the world that believes in green juicy apples and LOVE.

Good night, loves!
:)

27 mirrors

I looked in the mirror this evening and noticed wrinkles on my forehead. It felt so old, I cannot even describe. I felt like I've lived thousands of years and still more coming while I am already old and wrinkly lady. It's funny actually. I am not that old, am I?
27 is the age of beautiful death, but no worries I do neither drugs nor rock'n roll. I used to wish I did, but now I think that is ridiculous. Everything is stupid but family. Nothing is worth in this life but loving and let be loved, have babies and spread more love.
Do I sound like John Lennon? Stop war make love-ish or something, I know.

I did not mean to post tonight at all. This blog has become just dwelling place for me where I could come and hide into its caves, you know what I mean. Few people ever read it so I feel like looking in the mirror and this time not feeling old, but strong and beautiful. All right, I still have some weight to lose after childbirth, have to buy some good creams to perish the wrinkles maybe, smile when Ezra fusses and let him know that I am his mum forever, and he can count on me anytime.

I responded the e-mails I had received over a month ago and realized that put my soul into them. Sometimes I wish I received the letters/e-mails as soulful as my own. I used to receive ones from one special girl from Osnabruck and then she quit because I could never find time to answer properly and now feel very bad about that. Isn't it sad that we usually forget/ignore/hurt people who deserve much more than others?

I wish I was a good, altruistic kind of person. Or maybe I don't wish it honestly and all I really care about is to look in the mirror and feel good about myself and only. Don't we all want that actually? Feel good about ourselves? That's when we're happy expressing what we are or what we want to be.
I guess I need vacations. I need more time with my husband. I need the sea, and the starry night that makes you forget everything including mirrors and 27 wrinkles on one's forehead.

Last mirror and I am gone.

Becoming oneself

Yes, pregnancy is hard, but being mum is harder. Forget the sleepless nights and early morning wake ups, forget the sore nipples in the beginning that make you scream and mad at the baby, never mind changing diapers with funny consistency in them; it is also you that changes when you become mum. Your life is never going to be the same. You will never be the same (thank G-d, don't wanna be either). The self of yours will change.

 

Every girl dreams about marriage, rather they dream about beautiful shiny wedding, princess gown, lovely guy that looks his best that day, people who came to watch and cherish the couple... all that cliche, you know.
Last year I was the main character of that cliche thing actually.
Got married in June 2011.
It was beautiful, I admit. There were my dear friends and people who I love, respect and wished to be there. It was a tiny dreamy day. Really.
It was about time, yes, I was no toddler definitely; at my 26 I had realized I was ready to tie the knot (boy, sounds this funny!) with this good man making me melt down like Amelie. So I did.
Even in my wildest dreams I would not be having traditional (orthodox actually) Jewish wedding with loads of charedi rabbis. I used to think I was a wild flower - to be sunny, funny and witty all the way.
Now I don't think marriage did any harm to my wild flowery character. It might have even improved me in a way one does when gets married and changes its life. I told to one of my closest friends that marriage is a huge challenge and being mum - battlefield :D it is, isn't it? True values have price to pay - change yourself, fight the demons that might be your inner friends and calm yourself down when baby cries so hard you have no idea how to soothe him.

Thus, it's been a year since then and we had a baby boy in April 2012, little prePesach wonder of ours. Ezra's his name and he's got my blue greyish eyes. He smiles as seldom as his dad, very much ashkenazi indeed.

This year has been quite a year. We've had some ups and downs as everyone does. We had hard times and we overcame them; this year made my post-feminist spirit realize that I belong to someone and actually like it;
I do cook, clean, do all the housewife thing, sometimes get mad (that's all media putting pressure) that women are never appreciated as they deserve; I am becoming one of those Jewish mums always having a cake or two in the fridge.

I can't really tell you where I stand now. I do not have much time for thinking, I have to do all as fast as I can, get some sleep, be a loving wife, take care of the baby, and only then I look in the mirror and see the familiar face of that post-feminist wild flower having found her true self. Oneself.

State of mind

Happiness is just a state of your mind,
Keep searching who knows what you may find...

The Spice Girls "Something Kinda Funny"

Have you ever looked at yourself from the other side and asked a question: are you happy, darling? I have.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and haven't recognized the face there? I have.
Have you ever lived somewhere and felt that you were not actually there? I have.
Have you ever loved yourself so much that almost started to hate? I have.
Have you ever danced tango at the Rio De La Plata in Buenos Aires? Me neither.
Have you ever met Salinger? I wish I had.
And this is none of those famous post-partum issues that one might have. I think I have passed all that already. It is all just Leipzig Sunday weather making it blue.

 

Well, thing is that I am a big fat or real slim shady or whatever mum now. I have two months old baby. I hardly sleep at nights and in the morning, which starts at 5 am, I try to be smily and happy for my baby.
G-d, is life hard!
Happiness is hard too. I mean to keep being happy is. My point is we all have dreamt about happiness not even knowing what that could have been.
Suddenly I feel so exhausted I tell myself, Sophie, just hold on, this too shall pass (not my copyright definitely), just take it easy and GROW UP! Yes, I keep telling myself to grow up and stop being this wannabe Drew Barrymore character.
I try to be calm and good. I want to be calm and good as a matter of fact. I want to be happy and satisfied with life, I want to be tuned in with the environment around me which doesn't always work. It has never worked anyway.

I was reading "Franny and Zooey" to my baby boy the other day. He did not really seemed that interested for he fell asleep soon on my chest but I kept reading and reading, feeling for Franny and later for Zooey too. Isn't it crazy that no matter what these guys are always there on my Ikea bookshelf to cherish me and stand by me? IT IS!

Keep searching, Soph. Please go on.

Since then

I decided to open up all curtains after pocketful of rain and get down to blogging. Literally. There was quite a rain today in Leipzig.
It's been more than a month I've blogged and since then our life has changed for good.
Last post was published on 2nd of April and two days later, after all that water breaking story you have seen in movies, I gave birth to a tiny baby boy at Leipzig's Uniklinikum.
So that makes me a brand new mum.
Labour is tough. Even though my delivery was so quick you wouldn't believe; it still was painful and took me several weeks to get over it. I used to have nightmares and emotional outbursts such as crying about everything and feeling very tender. Some call it babyblues, some may call it postpartum thing and I call it - Sophieish nerves.

Chronologically:
on Wednesday morning (04.04.12) when my husband and I were to go shopping after breakfast and get a buggy, I woke up with terribly swollen feet and water flowing underneath. Not usual water as we all know from the movies, but different and much less than that.
I was due 20 days later and never in my mind did I expect baby to come so early, especially two days before Pesach. Not suitable time at all while we were not done with the festival cleaning. I did not want it to happen like that, I wanted to control my body, but ironically nobody can do that even me (man, this self-confidence is killing me!).
Even at the hospital when midwife was smiling and calming me down I did not believe I would give birth so early. Even then when baby stuck out his head and I thought this would never end I still thought it was too early and I would push him back if I could. Insane. I know.
Well, baby did not think so. He definitely had his reasons to break away and spend Pesach with his parents. It was difficult, but with G-d's help we managed it. My husband did his best shlepping all the yom tov food to the hospital (for food all the credit to Emma Chandalov and Tora Zentrum von Leipzig), we had our fresh family seders there and I would say it was the best time I have ever had.

Leipzig's Uniklinikum is very recommended to everyone who thinks can handle many people and keep nice to the medical students who come in and out checking baby's and your blood pressure, smiling and being very nice all the time, almost every hour. Everyone was so friendly and smily there, you would forget you're in Germany. It did not feel very hospitalish, let me tell you, rather homely.

Now it's been almost 6 weeks we've been home and break away baby's name is Ezra, giving tribute to Avraham Ybn Ezra's father and to Ezra haSofer that's been so inspiring all the way.
What else can I say?
Being mum is so personal. Everything is very private, sometimes hard, but still very sweet.

Mamas and little girls

I am so into Victoria Beckham and her baby girl lately. We know Mrs Beckham got the style, got the flow and got it all. But what's most adorable in her is her baby daughter Harper who is so cute you can't help to love her. Well, also mind the designer clothes she's always dressed in like that of Chloe or "loving" Prada as her fashion obsessed mum has revealed.

Some may say Victoria's overdoing with her daughter but what I would say is that she is very good wife, mother of four and always wearing clothes like no-one else could've worn that way. I think everyone would love to be so successful in everything she does and above all, having lovely family that rocks it all.

Drop that juice!

Drop that juice, baby!

I love myself so much that believe others do so too.
Freak.
I sat and cried like a baby because nobody gave a single bloody birthday card to me today. Nobody tried to write on some lousy paper just saying, have fun, Soph, love you and stick it on my door. It's not that I am so desperately in need of some human recognition. No, I am in desperate need of some f-ing love because I always love others. I know life is not causal at all and not everyone grew up reading Salinger and Freud. I know that, I wish I did not though. My life would have been much easier and shallower.

I am happy. Really. It'll pass in an hour because I believe in what I do and not what others do. In other words, I'll keep on.

So, no orange juice, Marilyn, honey! Only the real thing!

Week full of fun and love

Last week has been really awesome. We had rabbi Osher Baddiel from England visiting and giving shiurim. He's this really funny and so-english-teacher type of man in his middle 70's I suppose. When you see him at first you think that he's come from 18th century, but after hearing him speak you know that you can talk to him about anything you wish. I liked him even though I could not really follow some of his jokes. He's going to be our guest tonight on the first Seuda of Shabbat and I'm sure we won't get bored ;)

Weather is as bad as it can be: cloudy and dull.

I have a wonderful new room-mate, she's got amazing orange colored hair and lovely freckles all over her face and hands. She's from Odessa, one of my favourite cities in the world. She's the kindest and well brought person I've ever met. I love her.

What else? Oh, every Thursday evening midrasha girls go to different families of the community to help them prepare for Shabbat. As usual I go to Rosh Yeshiva, rabbi Smith's house. Smiths are just lovely people, they have two little girls (5 and 3) and they just had a baby boy 12 days ago, I even attended his Brit Milah ceremony on last Monday which was really special.
Yesterday I helped rebetzin Smith to bathe the girls and then held newborn in my arms, gosh, it was just amazing. He smelled so sweet and looked around with big babyish eyes :) I had never actually held a baby of his age [age? 12 days]. It's a miracle when you see little human being, isn't it? IT IS, INDEED! It is especially miracle for his parents because they did not have children for a long time and now they have three wonderful kids, may Hashem bless them! I love them all so much.

This week is going to be over soon and new one will start. I am happy for having this opportunity be here in Berlin, live in midrasha with the girls, have such amazing teachers and people around. Thank G-d!

Have a wonderful and sunny Shabbat! I hope I will.

SHABBAT SHALOM!

Just SMILE

I want to inform YOU that:

• I am not that sweet and babyish girl I seem to be
• I hate talking to strangers
• I do not care what happens in 2012 - "apres moi le deluge", ok?
• I do not believe in silly compliments

But I do believe that this world is not designed for me... wait, I think that was George Byron saying that :P
Well, take it easy and just smile at me if you really want to impress me.

Apres moi le deluge?

This wind is killing me. Today when I was driving back home from bank thought to myself, what if this wind means the end of the world. Would I care?
Well. Not really. Apres moi le deluge, as cold hearted king used to say. Not only after me, I think I won't really care if the end comes right away and perishes the world for good. What will I know anyway?

So it is really stupid to think about nature craziness while you have no power to change it. Sometimes this nature thing really bothers me and makes me feel weak, but in the end I realize that everything has its reason, so when I hear the wind against my window, I should think about what have I done in this world, have I achieved all that I've always wanted? Or am I just the same baby one who came here and did nothing but eating and defecating?

I think I'm more than that. I should be.