This Easy Tuesday When I Went And Wore an almost Hijab

I usually don't like posting photos, but this one is going to be an exception. I felt so good today in this clothes, especially the scarf (bough at "Strauss" last Summer). I wore it a little "almost liberal hijab style" and definitely got many looks, some suspicious, some - complimenting, some - hateful and some - indifferent.
I have very long hands, I know (although I am only 165 cm, my limbs are really long and most people have optical illusion of me being quite tall, which is very nice to hear). And my hand palms have become quite rough and large as well since I've got family and do all the household stuff.
When I was young, I probably would've looked down on someone who had rough hands, or wrinkles, or grey hair. Not that I was ageist or something, no I was a very normal young person, who thought she'd be as young and carefree forever as she was then. Now looking at this photo of mine, I realise how I have changed, how my opinions have been transformed into something else, and baruch Hashem, I have become more tolerant, more understanding and more respectful to those, who work hard, especially for their family.

So here's to those strong women, who make the world/family go round. The real eshet chayils, who work day and night, who defeat their egos and put their husbands, children, parents, in-laws first.
I am still working, trying hard not to be selfish, not to get upset when I don't get what I want, because that only makes me stronger (but no-one realises that at the first place, does it?).

Western culture and today's world are so focused on oneself, shoving their ideas on us: be yourself, do what you want, you deserve the best, you are the best, be who you are, do what you want...
Scary. Do you understand how dangerous those slogans are? What does "be yourself" and "do what you want" mean? Then they bomb us with advertisements, man made images, false ideas and ideals, wrong role models, and still "wish we were ourselves".
No, I don't want that!

I want to be better tomorrow than I am today, which will be different myself and this means, I can't be myself all the time, only fools can be.

I won't do what I want either, because I may want to eat all that 500 grams of Ben & Jerry's ice cream with caramel filled chocolate chips (pure temptation), which I could do in a blink of an eye without even sharing with anyone, but I will not. It's not okay. Let alone it's not okay to eat so much sugar, it's all about managing your desires, your weaknesses and directing it in a way that would be proper. Children, plus sharing is caring, really.

I hope and wish I get more will power and strength to fight my weaknesses, get over my fears and let myself be the better self as possible. Amen!

Fresh Re-Start

I haven't been blogging quite a while. I have been doing some thinking and analysing to where I want to take this blog. Do I really need it at all? Does it make any sense and does anyone need to read it?
Funnily, I answered to all questions with almost NO.

And today I figured out I want to make some changes. I've changed this old blog's URL, as well as title and I hope I could write more from now on.
I am thinking of making podcasts and video posts every once in a while. All I have to do is to order my Blue Microphone, wrap a lovely tichel around my head and get down to work.

I hope it goes well.

For the new start I shall re-introduce myself:
I am Sophie, mum of two boys, living in Europe, where it's cold, and hostile to people of my faith.
I've studied Journalism and Social Psychology. Worked on the radio, wrote some crap for papers, did translations, even touristic business got me once and then, one day, right after I turned 25, I realised only thing I longed was family. 
Because I had never felt like home anywhere before, never cared for somebody enough to cover my hair and learn how to knead a dough. Never believed in any particular religion, but The Creator.
But I always liked children and they liked me back a lot.

So one brought another, and another, and another,
and here I am:

Mama Sophie - sunny, funny, witty Hausfrau of 30, homeschooling, bread baking, hat knitting, who strongly believes we should never compare our life to others' because we all have what we can handle.

Since I claim to be a homeschooling mum, I'll cover it a little bit too.
My sons are almost 3 and 1 years old, which qualify them mostly for Kindergarten, but I do not like any children institution, I am sorry, I believe they measure everyone same and never really pay attention individually. So I stay home with them and am being a mum like any other one.
I wish I could homeschool longer, but it is not allowed in the country we live, I only get to keep my babies under my wing until they have to go to school (3-5 years to go).
Until then, I hope to instill strong will in my children, so they can resist the system that tries to fit everyone in the same box.

My very homeschooling is all about playing, singing, drawing, baking and running :-D because nobody runs as much as mothers do all day long.

Baruch Dayan HaEmet

Baruch Dayan HaEmet, we say when hear the news of somebody passing away. These words mean that the Judge is True, so to explain, but in most cases how can one agree this judge/death can be true?
How do you tell that to the mums of three kidnapped Israeli teenagers? How do you tell them who bore those babies, fed them and raised them, had nachat from them and expected only joy from them? How can you tell death is true?
How can you tell that to their dads, sisters, brothers, friends?..
May Hashem comfort them as much as it can be possible.

Hashem is a true judge, I know, but today my heart goes out to the families of three murdered boys in Israel. Today I feel like something has died inside me.

Today my heart is also dead after hearing the terrible news about those boys.
It was just last Shabbat when I (with hundreds of other Jewish mothers) separated challah from the dough asking G-d to save those boys and bring them home safely...

I know I cannot understand His plans.
I do not want to either, because I cannot bear right now.

May my Nation never experience such pain of the loss of our children again. They were my children too. Our children! Children of Avraham, Yitschak and Yakov, just like all of us.

May there be peace in Israel, if it is ever possible and no shedding of innocent blood, neither ours nor others'. 

On being a stay at home mum and a Hausfrau

Being stay at home mum is very hard, and I am glad, I am not the only one who thinks so. My favourite modern author, Beth Ann Fennelly also talks about it in her book.
People usually get touched by the subjects that bother them, or they get annoyed and depressed. I was sort of like that when read her ideas about new mums, who are at home, then they stay in longer and become less and less independent financially.

This is quite a problem actually.
Not that I can complain or something, but I don't feel free like used to before. I don't work since my 20 months old son was born, I am home with him all day, waking up at dawn and putting him to sleep in the evening. It's been my job now. I love it and I feel fine, at least I don't have a boss to boss me around, except Ezra, who tries to boss, but I am still in charge here, he can't do that to me; so it is good, when I can do pretty much what I please (or what I can), but very often I feel very degraded, if you know what I mean. Sometimes I feel like all my brain has gone with the milk I've nursed Ezra (if literally, that would've been quite useful after all), and now I am only left with my tired hands that clean, wash, change diapers, bake bread, cook meals, and nobody really needs my intellect anymore.
I know it's not like that, my husband definitely respects my knowledge and all, but isn't society harsh on women anyway?

For example, I went to some German bureaucratic office to get some papers done and a lady asked me what was my profession. So I told I had studied journalism, but now was staying at home with my little child. Oh, she said, so you are a Hausfrau, that's what I wanted to know and she wrote down my "profession" straight on that paper.

Great.
I am a Hausfrau, I am a Hausfrau, Hausfrau, I was repeating to myself like crazy, then laughed a lot and finished it with crying.
I've never thought I would end up as a Hausfrau :D last Hausfrau of my Matriarchic family was my greatgrandmother, I think. Even my grandmother, who had five children, never stayed home and taught at school, because she believed her intellectual abilities shouldn't go to waste. My mum remembers how exhausted her mum would be after school, but she still would do household stuff, help her own children with homework and only at midnight had she time for herself, to read her favourite Russian poetry and prepare lessons for the next day.
So, dear Grandmama Sophia, I'm not sure if you would be proud of your Hausfrau granddaughter if you knew her now.

Back to the point I started this post - financial independence.
Even though I can spend reasonably, you know regular and normal families don't spend too much, we're just one of those families, that save and go for discounts, or shop at Aldi and Lidl.
Still, I feel bad if I spent too much, because I didn't earn that money and I feel like I should be more considering what to buy and what not to. Or if I want to buy something that is above Aldi and Lidl prices, I always think twice.
I've never been a big spender or a big fashion shopper, but I could buy things before more freely than I do now. It also must be having a baby, because now I tend to buy more things to him than to myself, and very often his clothes are more expensive, than mine, which is probably not very good, but then the quality question comes first, - children should wear good shoes for healthy feet development, they should wear 100% cotton clothes (while I can wear H&M's fake Bio Cotton) and so on...
This is very stressful for me and very often I can't explain my feelings to anyone, because they don't really understand or realise. Most people think women that stay at home do nothing and whatever they do, can't be compared to the real outside world job, but nobody realises how mentally exhausting it might be - when you are depended financially and don't have any real days off, because the job of mum is 24/7.
Plus I am absolutely terrible at making money, so dumb, I don't know why. So if anyone assures you all Jews are rich or can be ones, please send them over to me so I'll give them a good punch. Really! :P

I hope I'll be able to make that lady write down my real profession one day, so I'll be paid for that job and will feel happy and accomplished, as my Grandmother did.

3: Tigermood

Right now I'm like this Asian tiger from beautiful and famous Leipzig Zoo (originally somewhere from far Eastern Russia), not in the mood of sharing anything with anyone; have no desire of any social media.

All I want is to enjoy this summer with my family.

Cities

An acquaintance of mine said to me the other day, that whenever she starts thinking about intellectual matters and sort of tries to train her brain, her head aches like crazy.
She made me feel better about myself for that's what I've been feeling last 13 months.
Sometimes I can't recognise myself, I get emotional very easily, my speech gets nervous and writing - worse. There are times when I re-read my posts (mostly in Georgian, because you shouldn't ask much from me in English) and they are so illogical. Not that I've ever minded logic, but still, I used to write well (at least to some taste).

Then one rabbi who is also our family friend, gave a class couple of months ago and told us, that somewhere in Talmud it states that woman continues to have her "pregnancy mind" for two years, especially if she's nursing.
When I was in the midrasha I used to say that Talmud isn't studied by women only because it's all about what men think and say, and we (wise girls) know that men never understand women, they are from different planet, so women will not bear studying a book which is only based on men's wisdom.
So now I really take back my words, Talmud is right. Pregnancy mind (rather lack of it) definitely continues for more than a year - I am living proof for that.

After couple of months we had Ezra, my brother-in-law came over for Shabbat and before dessert we decided to play some game. Since you can't write or use various muktzeh things on Shabbat, we started to play this very Soviet game called: "Cities". It goes like this, 4-5 people are in game; one of them picks any letter from Alphabet and says a name of a city (e.g. Leipzig), and second one says the name of other city beginning with the last letter of the city mentioned before (Leipzig - Glasgow), so it continues like that (next one will be Glasgow - Weimar). Time is also very limited there, VERY MUCH indeed, you should say the city names in one-two seconds, quicker you are, the better.
Now I'm trying to remember the suitable expression to my failure in that game.
I couldn't recall the cities of Georgia, let alone the worldwide. My mind was blank. All right I could've named some of them after thinking for couple of minutes, but not in seconds definitely.
So I got very upset, left the room and cried my heart out. My husband tried to calm me down reminding me what our midwife had said abour postpartum time + nursing = mini-dementia.
I was upset and embarrassed anyway, because I used to be quite good at that game and knew loads of cities.

My husband asks me every now and then if I'd like to try, but I am scared and always say, not yet.
You know what though? Having written this, I realise that I probably will play this Shabbat. It's time to overcome the embarrassment, it's my family after all and no-one will laugh at me if I fail again.
I can't let the pregnancy mind become me, if you know what I mean. Plus, I am not pregnant anymore and it's been more than a year since, I shall give it a try.

What a great mind-[en]lightening thing is blogging, isn't it?

This year's sufganyiot

Remember I told you about my brother in law's birthday, which was on Friday? Well, his mother (who is my mother in law and Ezra's grandma obviously) baked such an amazing cake for him and brought over, in addition with that she had also baked couple of other cakes and cookies that it made perfect sense to me not to make sufganyiot this year. Not for my husband though. All right. He's usually right and I am not because I am so lazy when it comes to kitchen and baking. I'd rather be fooling around and entertaining people in the kitchen than standing there in apron and breathing burning oil. I am terrible baker.

My husband assured me that I had to make sufganyiot because he could not imagine Chanuka without them and it should be our tradition for future when Ezra grows up and iy''H, we have other children. Of course I agreed. Wasn't I also excited and happy when my mother or aunts baked cakes and cooked specific Georgian food on New Year (which was big deal in my childhood)? So I shouldn't be so selfish and scrooge, just because we had so much leftover from Ezra's uncle's birthday, it did not mean, sufganyiot could be skipped.

So I made them.
My mother in law came over to babysit Ezra and I got down to business named kneading a dough for sufganyiot. I made it after this recipe, I've done it last year too and they come out really good. Naturally, I made my favourite changes in the recipe: replaced milk with water (had no soy milk anyway), dry yeast with fresh one and used no eggs, because in the mixing part you just won't find where to add those eggs that are mentioned in the ingredients part. I think no eggs needed indeed, sufganyiot are perfectly fine without them. Then I filled them with strawberry jam and whole family loved them.
Now I feel better.

Our sufganyiot - may not look that good, but taste a lot better. Chanuka 5773

I think I am getting used to being a wife and mother, you know. I've always had this funny character that protested against everything and never really loved traditions or anything. So now when I am married to the orthodox man for whom family values come first, I think I might be becoming his total part in that, with help of Hashem.
I don't promise I am going to love kitchen and never leave it, but I start to enjoy it when I see my dear people enjoy what I cook and bake.

Aren't our dear people's feelings most important after all?

Chanuka Sameach! More to come, still loads of candles to light and fill our souls with wonders and wonders...

Doctors and power

Do you dislike doctors like I do?

Only doctor I like in Germany, is the pediatrician of Ezra, who is really nice and positive lady.
Thank G-d, I haven't visited many doctors here, but my husband and his family have. Then, in my pregnancy I had a gynecologist, Frau Dr. Schindler (remembering the history, her name sounds so humane, no?), who seemed quite fine, but she didn't really care that much about my health, I think. Either she was very relaxed naturalist or just not giving a damn about this weird religious Jewish patient covering her hair and all. Well, because of her attitude, that she hasn't checked the amniotic fluid which was actually infected, I gave birth to Ezra 3 weeks earlier, on my 37th week. Again, thanks to Hashem, Ezra was born healthy and happy baby, 10/10 apgar test, but he was born very tiny which almost caused me depression: you know, every mother would have felt that way, eating herself up, why should her baby have been born so early and so small, wouldn't she?

So I left that Frau Dr. Schindler and went to other doctor for the 6 weeks postpartum check up. This lady also seemed ok, serious and very friendly. Then she asked us which contraception we'd like to choose; she suggested 3 months injection, IUD (copper spiral) and mini-pills since I was nursing. We decided to take mini-pills, Cerazette, you might have heard.
It was one of the terrible experiences I ever had.
First, postpartum period is very hard for every woman and it was even worse for me. I couldn't forget the fact of giving birth before the due date and had nightmares, nursing awfully hurt, Ezra had colicky and wouldn't sleep, needed to be nursed and soothed almost every hour; in addition with all that, I started to bleed really badly after taking those pills.
I don't quite blame the doctor, she couldn't have known the side effects of the mini-pills, because every body responds differently, but suggesting 3 months injection was very cunning, you know, because you buy pills in the pharmacy store, but 3 months injection you need to get from her - which means, she gets paid for it.
Then I had to have injection to stop bleeding. So I quit taking mini-pills and started to require new contraceptive, which took quite a time and energy from us.
[After making a little research, I've discovered that hundreds of women had same experience with Cerazette, but doctors still keep prescribing it giving credit to this scary drug company. The company probably, in return, gives credits and loads of advantages to doctors.]

I should note that in the beginning of my pregnancy, I had private insurance which made Frau Dr. Schindler happy, but by the end of 35th week, I switched to the government insurance that doctors really hate. I think this might have been the reason of her not bothering herself to check the amniotic fluid. I could say the same about other Frau Dr. L. who is less "naturalist", but moneylover all right.
I might be sarcastic right now, but if you imagine how terrible results could be when doctor makes mistakes, you wouldn't laugh. It is scary to know that some people love money more than their profession, or worse, they have chosen this profession only because they would get more money than others.

Now I am afraid to visit gynecologists again. I try to have trust in them, and as my teacher used to say, I should remember and pray that G-d would be with the doctor when visiting for check-up. I don't doubt that if I ask, G-d will be there for me as He always has been, but I am a human too, you know, simple mortal, who is afraid of many things and probably hasn't developed that strong bitachon (meaning: unconditional trust to G-d) yet to really know - doctors don't have any power at all, but He does.

Say that again, Soph!!!

What really matters

Last year three little girls came over asking: süß oder sauer (sweet or sour), meaning trick or treat for Halloween. I had exactly three candies in the cupboard and gave them.
This year I had a big plastic bag full of candies that my husband collected on Simchat Torah and since Ezra can't eat yet, I thought I would give to those Halloween Kinder. When I said that, my husband told me what he thought about it. Halloween is not even a religious festival as far as I know, but something related to Kelts and spiritualists if I am not mistaken. So he thought, for us, as religious Jews, it might not be appropriate to give children candies on this day let alone the fact that we don't celebrate Halloween.

Later my husband went to kollel where married men study Talmud and I was home with Ezra and my mother in law. I was baking a cake by the recipe of my mother in law (who is a terrific baker actually) when someone rang the bell of our door. I sneaked out and there was a little skinny boy in black mask standing and waiting for candies. I hesitated a bit then remembered what my husband had said before and decided not to open the door at all. Little boy turned away and rang at our neighbours' next.

Well, I can't tell you that I felt too bad, but I felt little weird. Halloween is stupid, all right, I've never celebrated it because in the country where I was born nobody knew about it until 90's. I felt like we, humans, create and destroy the world in the same time; while I could make that boy happy giving him candies, I thought about religious issues what one would think of us giving candies for Halloween. Who knows, perhaps this act of kindness would have had positive influence on that little boy when grown up? Imagine, he probably will remember that people didn't open up to him and never gave him candies for Halloween, so will he do too in future.
What if because of situations like this we DO make and put ourselves in ghettos not others?

It is hard.
At least it is for me because I come from most warm and openhearted place of the world where you didn't care much about one's religion, well me and family never did. I am sure my husband's family didn't either because they also come from Soviet world; but the Ashkenazi roots and memories are remained so deep in the conscience of my husband I can tell, that he has this anxiety of not getting too close to non-Jews and their festivals. He may be right, may be not, but his opinion is very important for me and I respect it more than anything.

Once more I realized that no festival is worth of one's family and relationship happiness. If my husband feels good, I feel good and I can absolutely find another day and other kids to treat them with my full bag of candies.

Thoughts for Chol ha moed Sukkot

I've been thinking lately that this blog isn't working anymore and I probably should be thinking of making something new, write often and more openly. I am not sure though if I am able to do that. Let alone that I don't have that much time and as Ezra grows older he needs more attention from me, he needs to be entertained all the time; second thought was, English is not my mother tongue obviously and I might not be expressing myself well writing in English; and last but not the least - I am not honest. I mean, I am sometimes but mostly I think I am not. No, I am not pretending or anything, I just omit many many things that are going on in my life, things that bug me a lot and I just don't write about them.
Should I be though?
The only annoying (all right, sometimes there are more) thing about Judaism is that you can't and shouldn't criticize people but work on yourself and if somebody really gets on your nerves, you should go and tell. You should not get angry in any situation because getting angry equals worshiping idols which is THE major sin of all. Unfortunately we are all idol worshipers every now and then, especially when this very idol happens to be our own ego.

Anyway.
That day passed and I think I won't leave this blog. I'll try to write whenever and whatever I can. I really wish I could write interesting posts here. I've been reading loads of blogs, but there are so few that I really like. I think there is only one actually. This young Australian woman, Talia, who must be somewhat of my age blogging about her family and cute 8 months son.
There are some other blogs too, but they get boring. But this girl Talia keeps it so simple and natural, you don't need to try hard to like what she does. She was quite inspiring for me to continue blogging in English actually, to be what I am, what I REALLY am no matter how hard it might be.

What about Sukkot, you'd ask me. I think this year's holidays have been very very hard for our family as my father-in-law almost died from terrible heart attack just before Shabbat that proceeded Rosh Hashanah. He's been in hospital since then and most probably he won't be able to get back. This is unbearable for his wife and sons, especially my husband who is so fond of him. I might not be able to understand that feeling exactly but when I see my husband so sad and blue my heart is breaking. What do you say in times like this when you are sure it is not going to be all right? Nobody wants to hear you saying that it's G-d's will and everything is for the best. You don't tell that to people who lose their beloved and dear person, do you? Because no-one needs your stupid consolation. So all I do is being next to my husband and his family, and Ezra, baruch Hashem, is the sun that makes his grandma and everyone smile.
Sukkot is such a beautiful time of the year when all the Jews come out, build up the sukkah (hut) and live in it for 7 days to remind themselves how they left Egypt, wandered homeless, and only G-d was above saving them from hunger and thunder.
Exactly 3 years ago Sukkot holidays inspired me to start searching for my roots, for my nation and my G-d that is actually not only mine but the whole wide world's if only they knew it. Many things happened in my life since then, I went through many things as name and homeplace changing... and now here I am, far from that Sukkah I went 3 years ago in Tbilisi, Georgia, my hometown; now I am in cold Europe trying to keep the sun on my windows as long as it is possible, totally changed as mentally so physically (well, you have to change when you give birth and nurse, and don't limit the food at all) and growing older (hopefully wiser too) day by day.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because it's Sukkot, the festival of joy, time to receive guests in your hut and recognize the might of Hashem: nothing in this world is yours, even if you own all the world luxurious villas and mansions, when it comes, it comes and you are out to wander again, homeless...
Jewish holidays are just wonderful, always reminding us where we were so we don't forget where we could also end up.
The Chol ha moed started today, couple more days and Shabbat again, then on Sunday night we will welcome Simchat Torah which is one of my favourite festivals. I'll keep you updated, bli neder.

(You see I am a master of hopping from one subject to other like Holden Caulfield. What scares me is that Holden was just 16 and I am 27.)

Becoming oneself

Yes, pregnancy is hard, but being mum is harder. Forget the sleepless nights and early morning wake ups, forget the sore nipples in the beginning that make you scream and mad at the baby, never mind changing diapers with funny consistency in them; it is also you that changes when you become mum. Your life is never going to be the same. You will never be the same (thank G-d, don't wanna be either). The self of yours will change.

 

Every girl dreams about marriage, rather they dream about beautiful shiny wedding, princess gown, lovely guy that looks his best that day, people who came to watch and cherish the couple... all that cliche, you know.
Last year I was the main character of that cliche thing actually.
Got married in June 2011.
It was beautiful, I admit. There were my dear friends and people who I love, respect and wished to be there. It was a tiny dreamy day. Really.
It was about time, yes, I was no toddler definitely; at my 26 I had realized I was ready to tie the knot (boy, sounds this funny!) with this good man making me melt down like Amelie. So I did.
Even in my wildest dreams I would not be having traditional (orthodox actually) Jewish wedding with loads of charedi rabbis. I used to think I was a wild flower - to be sunny, funny and witty all the way.
Now I don't think marriage did any harm to my wild flowery character. It might have even improved me in a way one does when gets married and changes its life. I told to one of my closest friends that marriage is a huge challenge and being mum - battlefield :D it is, isn't it? True values have price to pay - change yourself, fight the demons that might be your inner friends and calm yourself down when baby cries so hard you have no idea how to soothe him.

Thus, it's been a year since then and we had a baby boy in April 2012, little prePesach wonder of ours. Ezra's his name and he's got my blue greyish eyes. He smiles as seldom as his dad, very much ashkenazi indeed.

This year has been quite a year. We've had some ups and downs as everyone does. We had hard times and we overcame them; this year made my post-feminist spirit realize that I belong to someone and actually like it;
I do cook, clean, do all the housewife thing, sometimes get mad (that's all media putting pressure) that women are never appreciated as they deserve; I am becoming one of those Jewish mums always having a cake or two in the fridge.

I can't really tell you where I stand now. I do not have much time for thinking, I have to do all as fast as I can, get some sleep, be a loving wife, take care of the baby, and only then I look in the mirror and see the familiar face of that post-feminist wild flower having found her true self. Oneself.

Since then

I decided to open up all curtains after pocketful of rain and get down to blogging. Literally. There was quite a rain today in Leipzig.
It's been more than a month I've blogged and since then our life has changed for good.
Last post was published on 2nd of April and two days later, after all that water breaking story you have seen in movies, I gave birth to a tiny baby boy at Leipzig's Uniklinikum.
So that makes me a brand new mum.
Labour is tough. Even though my delivery was so quick you wouldn't believe; it still was painful and took me several weeks to get over it. I used to have nightmares and emotional outbursts such as crying about everything and feeling very tender. Some call it babyblues, some may call it postpartum thing and I call it - Sophieish nerves.

Chronologically:
on Wednesday morning (04.04.12) when my husband and I were to go shopping after breakfast and get a buggy, I woke up with terribly swollen feet and water flowing underneath. Not usual water as we all know from the movies, but different and much less than that.
I was due 20 days later and never in my mind did I expect baby to come so early, especially two days before Pesach. Not suitable time at all while we were not done with the festival cleaning. I did not want it to happen like that, I wanted to control my body, but ironically nobody can do that even me (man, this self-confidence is killing me!).
Even at the hospital when midwife was smiling and calming me down I did not believe I would give birth so early. Even then when baby stuck out his head and I thought this would never end I still thought it was too early and I would push him back if I could. Insane. I know.
Well, baby did not think so. He definitely had his reasons to break away and spend Pesach with his parents. It was difficult, but with G-d's help we managed it. My husband did his best shlepping all the yom tov food to the hospital (for food all the credit to Emma Chandalov and Tora Zentrum von Leipzig), we had our fresh family seders there and I would say it was the best time I have ever had.

Leipzig's Uniklinikum is very recommended to everyone who thinks can handle many people and keep nice to the medical students who come in and out checking baby's and your blood pressure, smiling and being very nice all the time, almost every hour. Everyone was so friendly and smily there, you would forget you're in Germany. It did not feel very hospitalish, let me tell you, rather homely.

Now it's been almost 6 weeks we've been home and break away baby's name is Ezra, giving tribute to Avraham Ybn Ezra's father and to Ezra haSofer that's been so inspiring all the way.
What else can I say?
Being mum is so personal. Everything is very private, sometimes hard, but still very sweet.

Mamas and little girls

I am so into Victoria Beckham and her baby girl lately. We know Mrs Beckham got the style, got the flow and got it all. But what's most adorable in her is her baby daughter Harper who is so cute you can't help to love her. Well, also mind the designer clothes she's always dressed in like that of Chloe or "loving" Prada as her fashion obsessed mum has revealed.

Some may say Victoria's overdoing with her daughter but what I would say is that she is very good wife, mother of four and always wearing clothes like no-one else could've worn that way. I think everyone would love to be so successful in everything she does and above all, having lovely family that rocks it all.

Controversial love of mine

This morning I woke up and realized that I miss Midrasha a lot. Particularly coming down to the kitchen filled with dozens of girls making mess on the table, kitchen desk, then myself giving them a "mussar", sometimes even being harsh on them and still loving them all so much.

You will never know this feeling if you have only lived home under the wing of your mum eating vanilla cream muffins every morning and kissing your dad goodbye. Girls of the midrasha are so controversial from different countries, family backgrounds, education, age, social and intellectual abilities, mentalities... So what, Abraham Ybn Ezra would say, don't expect me to be perfect when I am living in this controversial world. I love Ybn Ezra and I love my very dear controversial midrasha of Berlin - best place to grow up spiritually and physically, to learn how to get on with the various girls with various characters, to speak different languages and still every Shabbat going to synagogue and singing the beloved tune of Lecha Dodi, no matter who came from where, everybody loves and enjoys being Jewish there. Even people who want to become Jewish and feel the connection had come in the midrasha and felt the difference from the rest of the seminaries: that is what I call - authenticity. Authenticity of each and every girl, each and every teacher whether they come from Soviet Union or United States, or even very sophisticated Great Britain and fancy South Africa, everyone's dedicated and has one goal:
to be right, to develop and grow the love to Torah in every girl's heart. And as we all know, it is mostly about heart when it comes to the girls.

Last week Rivkah Carl, the former madricha, called me up to say goodbye for she was leaving next day to the states. I felt such love towards her. One needs so little to feel happy and glad; we spoke about the past year in the midrasha, the ups and downs, but hey, who could recall the downs? NOBODY. There is always 'ups' over there in the Lauder Midrasha, even if sometimes girls feel lonely and tired, under pressure or under excitement (for example if somebody's getting married and they have to get dressed and made up properly), but in the end of the day they could always find Rivkah, or Michal (the one and only em bayit Mrs Garrett, who I love so much), or even me (not so calm and wise as Michal but always ready to give a huge hug to anyone needed) to confide in and talk.

I don't know how it is going to be this year in the midrasha. There will be new management, new girls, new teachers, new family living on the third floor where all of us used to stick up colorful papers on the wall writing messages to the Garretts. I believe this new zman will be wonderful with Hashem's help, but we will never be the same, will we? We all grow up and change, leave the midrasha and have it also leaving amazing trail on our mind and soul. May all of us who have been or will be there always take positive, useful and sunny messages from the very controversial place of the world.

Lastly, not least though, thanks to Josh Spinner for founding place like this and giving us this opportunity. May you live long and happy life with your lovely family!!!

Blue-eyed Uncle

Last night was THE night. I went to sleep at 7 pm. Then woke up at 12 I guess when year 2011 was about to enter the world. Heard those crazy fireworks but did not even bother to get up and look out the window.

After that tried to sleep but could not for hours. I suddenly recalled all my extraordinary uncles and aunts. I have an amazing uncle really. The youngest brother of my mother. He is not quite young, he's 50 but very cool. One friend reminded me about Ping Pong game and that is why I remembered him probably. I used to play ping pong with him, and I actually always won, then he would smile with his blue eyes and say: Soph, I'll be lucky in love though. I am telling you he's funny. What love? He has grown up sons and beautiful wife. Anyway he is always eager for love I guess. I mean he does everything with his heart and soul. Sometimes I think that my crazy sense of humour is all from him. Plus he looks like my mother very much - with his big blue eyes and lovely smile, and humour just like me: you never know when he jokes and when he really means it.

I guess I felt little loneliness last night that is why I tried to escape in my adolescence and thought about my family. I have been very independent since I was little kid with reddish hair, everyone would ask my opinion and then I just grew out from all of them. I decided to live different life of a religious Jew. And left them behind. Now when I imagine that I cannot eat my uncle's fried potatoes or I need to check how he makes yogurt, it hurts me a bit.

Then I realize that it is just childhood I miss, you know, when I was this wild girl running and laughing her guts out hoping she would become someone really great. It is crazy to put such ideas into little girl's head that she should be someone great when she grows up no matter what. And what if this girl does not want to be someone great at all but just be a sweet wife and mother. Is it too old fashioned? I know people who think so.

You know what my uncle told me once? That I will be great in anything I do even if I just smile and make someone's day. He himself is crazy, funny and sometimes blue too, but he always knows how to cheer me up and make me feel good about myself. I think this is the point when you understand that someone really loves you - makes you feel good about yourself and inspires you to become even better.

Languages He understands

(This photo has nothing to do with the post, I just feel like Julie Delpy)

Last update for the year 2010.

Some celebrate New Year and I will celebrate Shabbat tonight. The day of the week when everything stops and all is dedicated to G-d, family and dear people. I don't know what would I be doing without Shabbat, and I cannot either think how I used to live without it. It's the day when I forget about mundane problems and stay alone with Hashem. That's when I can talk to Him openly and tell how I feel, what I want and where I want to be. It is also funny that I always speak to G-d in Georgian when I am sad, in Russian when I am mad, and in English when I feel lonely. He knows every language as you might have guessed.
Although it does not always work that way. Sometimes I do not speak to Him on Shabbat. Because I sleep and sleep all the time, especially if I am sad and blue.

It is not about talking, you know.
Or maybe it is.
It is.
Yes.
Sometimes you need to speak I can't fight it, can I?

Anyways.
I just have decided that I am fictional diarist and that is the genre I'd like to take for my writing. I mean I have already taken it for most of my stories are like diaries.
Wish me luck so my book shall be published soon.

My Best Friend's wedding

I'm blogging for the third time today about my friend Naomi who got married yesterday. It was such a big day and we were all excited. Jewish chuppah is something miraculous and breathtaking really. Bride was smiling all the time and looked just gorgeous.

She is my first close friend who got married, so I was bit overwhelmed. Well, not a bit, VERY much indeed. Naomi is a person who has done so much for the MaBaT girls, she has always been a spirit of our meetings and wherever we would go she was always there for us. So I remembered all she has done for me and I went crying. She's been through many difficulties and managed to remain bright and lovely person. I am sure she and her nice husband will make true Jewish family filled with Torah light and love.

MAZAL TOV again and again!!!

Pursuing happiness and sudden sadness

Picture by Victoria Usova

I always feel sad before departure. I love my home, my city and all. Even though I feel like stranger among people. There are times when I do not wish to talk to anyone and would love to dash somewhere far from civilization, live in the mountains, have country house, domestic animals and someone to look at and see myself in its eyes, if you know what I mean.

Everything passes, nothing really matters, but modesty and happiness. What can make one truly happy? I guess happiness is when you're settled down, have family, stable job and sense of security that G-d is with you, so are your dear people. I do have security, but sometimes I feel little sad though. I hope it will pass soon and I will be as sunny as usual.

According to the USA constitution everyone has a right to pursue happiness. I have such an American spirit, haven't I? :)

"Ordinary" Miracle

Rebbetzin Roberg with the midrasha girls - November '09

Had a great Shabbat..
On the second seuda we went to the Robergs', the sweetest couple ever. When I see rav Roberg, I really wish he was my grandpa. They live in Israel and come to Berlin once a month. When I went in the classroom this Wednesday and saw rav Roberg there, I almost run up and hug him :)) he's like this sweet old grandfather, you know. What about rebbetzin Roberg? She's just unbelieveable person - dear, smart, always smiling and giving us warm hugs. She never forgets any of us. Today, when I looked at the other girls during the lunch, it was amazing how their faces were shining really. Every girl smiled and you could see the happiness in their eyes. I've been in many families on Shabbat, but never seen something like that - each & every girl pleased. It would be such a blessing if I ever become rebetzin like her.

They both have been through Holocaust, but you would never say that. I mean, I've never seen any other Holocaust survivors, but I thought of them more of a depressed and closed people. I was wrong. Rebbetzin Roberg's family escaped the Nazi regime to Holland, but soon they invaded Netherlands too. So after her father was taken to the concentration camp, Dutch students that resisted Nazi invasion helped her mother to save her children, and little Rebetzin Roberg was given to a Catholic family to survive the war. Thanks to G-d, her parents survived the concentration camps and came back to collect their precious children. This part is really heart wrenching, if you imagine how hard it must have been to give your kids away not knowing you would see them again, and then search for them not to be sure of gaining them back. May nobody ever experiences that.
When she told her story, you could see that it was all about miracle. She never tells her story completely for it must be very hard to recall, but she loves Holland and its people, still speaks Dutch and even holds its citizenship to show her gratitude to the only nation that never gave in to the evil regime.
All of us have heard loads of stories about Holocaust, but it's always moving when you hear it from the person who had actually been there.
That is when I cry out again and again: Hashem has always been there and here too.

SHAVUA TOV!!! (I still can't stop being happy :) Why should I?)