מזל טוב, עזרא!!!

My firstborn is 3 since Pessach. It's such an emotional age for me. I feel as if I had him yesterday, little baby with long fingers and thin legs. My first baby, who rocked my world and changed me for good.
My Ezra - little helper with big heart and mind.
My Ezra, the one and only Ezra in the world (for me of course)!!!

Baruch Hashem for him, baruch Hashem for my second born too. Baruch Hashem for everything. Thank You, G-d! Be our guide as always!
May there be peace and joy in the world. May no child experiences pain or loss, may children be happy and carefree knowing there are their mums and dads waiting for them, never letting them down.

I wish health to my big boy, then will power to overcome yetzer hara and never stop developing his good midos (character traits). May you be as great as your namesake Ezra and take us out of galus with your dear brother Aaron, who has this lovely name not by coincidence at all :-)
אמן!!!

"Me" in Scandinavia

Social media is not as bad as I thought :-D
I stumbled on one Swedish girl's profile on Instagram, who is so like me, really.

She's feminist, has red hair and covers it with colourful tichels. She has two little children, wears glasses and loves Astrid Lindgren's books.

And - she is CAPRICORN!!! I can't believe it. I mean, it couldn't be otherwise, only Capricorn could be that smart and witty, and really positive and nice.

Now, tell me, have I always been crazy to have this extraordinary feeling that I belonged to Scandinavia?

Raising A Child - Love And Other Things

 חֲנֹךְ לַנַּעַר, עַל-פִּי דַרְכּוֹ

My mum stayed with us for more than a month and when she left last Sunday, I felt like a child, who needed comfort so much, that did not know what to do. I was putting Ezra to sleep while I felt like a child myself who needed his mum right away to soothe him to sleep.

Once my old friend said that she was panicked when realised now she was a mother herself and had to take care of her newborn baby - not just physically, but mentally. 

Honestly, changing diapers and nursing are not that hard (well, they ARE, but not exclusively), giving your child right direction, right education, that is called Chinuch in Hebrew, are indeed.

Every once in a while I also get terrified of being parent and the great responsibility I hold towards my children. 

Will I be able to provide each of them exact things that they need? Will I be able to bring the each one up according to its character as Great King Solomon says, you should train/raise your child according to its own way.
Rabbiner Shimshon Raphael Hirsch brings example of Esav and Yakov, twin brothers whom the Same mother had born. They were brought up in a Same environment and got Similar chances to become what they had to become. Yet, Esav was a wicked man, who could fool his father easily and pretend he was righteous too asking very smart questions, while Yakov became the Patriarch of not only Jewish people, but anyone, who recognises the Bible (let alone Jacob is one of the popular names) by being good man and working on his traits. My personal favourite achievement of his is defeating an Angel or himself, shall I say his Ego, because I am of that opinion, which believes Yakov fought himself at that very night. He had to fight his fears, shortcomings and only afterwards could he win over Esav and his mighty powers, which would later become Rome. I got little carried away, sorry; what I meant to say was, that Rabbi Hirsch talks about those two brothers and suggests, that if they were brought up not Similarly, but in a way that would be suitable for each of them, Esav's story might have been different. He doesn't criticise Yitschak and Rivka's chinuch directly, but only suggests his view on it.

Every child has its own way definitely; he has his very own temperament, character and mission as well.
But now let me look at all this from the point of parents, who also have their own way of upbringing, which is subconsciously caused by the way they were brought up. Some people try to oppose their upbringing while some admire their own parents' methods and keep educating the generation "traditionally". I am not to judge any of them.
I believe one should find its own way (again!) of parenting. From what I've gathered last 2,5 years of parenting, this is a BIGGEST challenge one may have in life, because it is about your most closest person, the one you brought into this world and now are about to make it comfortable in it, right? So, you absolutely want to make the best of it. Everyone wants to be the parent of a leader, winner, genius, and so on... but only very few are.

Do I too? Surely, but as Isaiah put beautifully, I created you and I shall bear you. My children will always be the best to me ananyway.

As for children, they don't need nervous and uptight parents, who make them anxious too. They want to see self-confident, strong-willed and intelligent ones, who can make rules and sometimes even break them. It will take years for children to honestly love and really appreciate their parents, I can tell from my personal experience, but they will if they were brought up with love. As one very wise woman told me once, you can never go wrong with love! First, love yourself, she said, otherwise you can't love your fellow people. 

So this is when I sort of calmed down and let myself relax a bit :-)
Yes, I am a big girl now, although it doesn't bother me to miss my mum and want her to pet my head and massage my tired mama back. 

I am mum myself of two clever and sunny boys, who I want to give my best, make them feel secure and happy, but I also realise that I cannot do everything. I cannot be the best mum in the world, because they will have issues in life, they will get hurt, they will be upset and I might be the one who will contradict, criticise and preach them too.
We are all human and it is fine.
Fine as long as there's love and we know about it - parents and children alike.

Yes to raising a child on its own way, as you say - and do it with love, I say :-)

(Have I been finishing my posts with rhyming lately? So funny!)

Baruch Dayan HaEmet

Baruch Dayan HaEmet, we say when hear the news of somebody passing away. These words mean that the Judge is True, so to explain, but in most cases how can one agree this judge/death can be true?
How do you tell that to the mums of three kidnapped Israeli teenagers? How do you tell them who bore those babies, fed them and raised them, had nachat from them and expected only joy from them? How can you tell death is true?
How can you tell that to their dads, sisters, brothers, friends?..
May Hashem comfort them as much as it can be possible.

Hashem is a true judge, I know, but today my heart goes out to the families of three murdered boys in Israel. Today I feel like something has died inside me.

Today my heart is also dead after hearing the terrible news about those boys.
It was just last Shabbat when I (with hundreds of other Jewish mothers) separated challah from the dough asking G-d to save those boys and bring them home safely...

I know I cannot understand His plans.
I do not want to either, because I cannot bear right now.

May my Nation never experience such pain of the loss of our children again. They were my children too. Our children! Children of Avraham, Yitschak and Yakov, just like all of us.

May there be peace in Israel, if it is ever possible and no shedding of innocent blood, neither ours nor others'. 

Decisions, negotiations and other "lifely" things

At this point of my life I am happy, but pretty concerned about my professional future. What do I want to do next? Have another baby or finish my German course to approve my bachelor's diploma and get the master's degree? Having another baby and being pregnant is actually not an obstacle at all, while I have done all my courses when I was pregnant with Ezra, thing is, after I had a baby I couldn't study any more. I was too overwhelmed and tired. Plus, I wanted to bond with my baby and get used to my new role.
BUT mostly I care about my health - would it be ok to give another go and let hormones lead me so soon? Thing is I am 28 and I really want to have many children, at least 4, and I wouldn't like to have them after 35, so who knows, perhaps this is perfect age.
(Honestly, one more thing that puts me off is wanting to pee all the time when you're pregnant. I still have to get up several times at night to give Ezra pacifier or nurse him, and now to have this need of going to toilet every two hours, doesn't attract me at all.)

Now Ezra's 10 months old, quite a character and as my friend described, perfect first child - refusing to be put down or left alone to play by himself, cuddling and climbing on mum all the time.
As soon as he's able to walk and be more independent, I want him to go to the kindergarten. There is tiny little kindergarten run by the Leipzig community where all our friends' children go and have good time, I believe. Since I've never gone to kindergarten myself, I really would like Ezra to go, make friends and be social. He is very social indeed, loves people, watching them and "singing" to them, but being in kindergarten must be harder - it's first school for the child where he has to win his place and develop friendship with other kids, or fight and scare them off just like I used to do and my mum had to leave that idea of me and kindergarten and found a nanny for me.
I hope it'll be different with Ezra and he will love it.

Yes, life is all about decisions and negotiations which distract me sometimes. There are times when I just want to relax and think about nothing, then I realise once more I am grown up and I can't just relax that easily. Those old times are gone for good (and I regret not) and I am adjusted as much as possible of being a good wife and mother.
All right, I get frustrated too every now and then. But then I remember what my favourite teacher's wife has once told me: "judge people favourably and be sure that husband, or children never want to hurt you purposely, they love you dearly and if something unpleasant ever happens, it's not because they are mean, but because you need to talk more and give more to each other." -- this is something I often remind myself and always works.

Have a nice week!!!

What really matters

Last year three little girls came over asking: süß oder sauer (sweet or sour), meaning trick or treat for Halloween. I had exactly three candies in the cupboard and gave them.
This year I had a big plastic bag full of candies that my husband collected on Simchat Torah and since Ezra can't eat yet, I thought I would give to those Halloween Kinder. When I said that, my husband told me what he thought about it. Halloween is not even a religious festival as far as I know, but something related to Kelts and spiritualists if I am not mistaken. So he thought, for us, as religious Jews, it might not be appropriate to give children candies on this day let alone the fact that we don't celebrate Halloween.

Later my husband went to kollel where married men study Talmud and I was home with Ezra and my mother in law. I was baking a cake by the recipe of my mother in law (who is a terrific baker actually) when someone rang the bell of our door. I sneaked out and there was a little skinny boy in black mask standing and waiting for candies. I hesitated a bit then remembered what my husband had said before and decided not to open the door at all. Little boy turned away and rang at our neighbours' next.

Well, I can't tell you that I felt too bad, but I felt little weird. Halloween is stupid, all right, I've never celebrated it because in the country where I was born nobody knew about it until 90's. I felt like we, humans, create and destroy the world in the same time; while I could make that boy happy giving him candies, I thought about religious issues what one would think of us giving candies for Halloween. Who knows, perhaps this act of kindness would have had positive influence on that little boy when grown up? Imagine, he probably will remember that people didn't open up to him and never gave him candies for Halloween, so will he do too in future.
What if because of situations like this we DO make and put ourselves in ghettos not others?

It is hard.
At least it is for me because I come from most warm and openhearted place of the world where you didn't care much about one's religion, well me and family never did. I am sure my husband's family didn't either because they also come from Soviet world; but the Ashkenazi roots and memories are remained so deep in the conscience of my husband I can tell, that he has this anxiety of not getting too close to non-Jews and their festivals. He may be right, may be not, but his opinion is very important for me and I respect it more than anything.

Once more I realized that no festival is worth of one's family and relationship happiness. If my husband feels good, I feel good and I can absolutely find another day and other kids to treat them with my full bag of candies.

World in a different shape

I posted few hours ago and now I feel so calm, it is unbelievable. My mood is totally depended on the moon you know, now it's Rosh Chodesh have that in mind.

Went to the Smiths today, my chessed family, sweetest and nicest people ever. Rabbi Smith is a rosh yeshiva - the smartest man I've ever seen, calm and nice as well. And rebbetzin is as dear as it could be. Gosh. Will I ever achieve that level of bitachon and serenity? I told her I feel very nervous about various things, and find so difficult to relax and just believe everything is going to be all right with Hashem's help even though I am sure it will. I still worry and think about it. She just smiled and said that everything we do is from G-d, even the mistakes are helpful; one grows so much from them, becomes better person (ideally). She really calmed me down. Then her children started to cry and she just handled them with smile and asked with sweet voice to go to sleep. They have three small kids who I absolutely adore and learn so much from them. I mean the way rebbetzin Smith treats her children is amazing - she never raises a voice, lets them have fun and go little wild. I love that. I love when parents let their children to enjoy their childhood. She actually told me that she believes - when they grow up they should remember how nice their childhood was and how free they have been.

I also believe in that you should bring up your children very relaxed, let them be free and wild. I mean, life is going to be hard enough once they are old so why set limits? I hope and pray to be able to have children like that - healthy and happy. I will let them go crazy, get soaked wet, eat cakes with hands and laugh a lot. Seriously, when I hold baby Yedidia Smith in my arms I realize that I am going to be most cool and funny mother ever.

Yes, everyone needs family and children to feel complete. And an ATTITUDE. Attitude and ability to love and be loved you know. Had a conversation with Michal Garrett recently, she is this young American woman I am friends with, plus she teaches at the midrasha, and we came to conclusion that love is necessary. Nothing can be built up only on rational decisions, you need to feel and care about the person you marry. You need to talk and be free, be open with each other. Man. This is the most important relationship in the world - anything else just gets behind.

Life is amazing after all, isn't it? You just go out, meet people, talk to them and see the world in a different shape.

Week full of fun and love

Last week has been really awesome. We had rabbi Osher Baddiel from England visiting and giving shiurim. He's this really funny and so-english-teacher type of man in his middle 70's I suppose. When you see him at first you think that he's come from 18th century, but after hearing him speak you know that you can talk to him about anything you wish. I liked him even though I could not really follow some of his jokes. He's going to be our guest tonight on the first Seuda of Shabbat and I'm sure we won't get bored ;)

Weather is as bad as it can be: cloudy and dull.

I have a wonderful new room-mate, she's got amazing orange colored hair and lovely freckles all over her face and hands. She's from Odessa, one of my favourite cities in the world. She's the kindest and well brought person I've ever met. I love her.

What else? Oh, every Thursday evening midrasha girls go to different families of the community to help them prepare for Shabbat. As usual I go to Rosh Yeshiva, rabbi Smith's house. Smiths are just lovely people, they have two little girls (5 and 3) and they just had a baby boy 12 days ago, I even attended his Brit Milah ceremony on last Monday which was really special.
Yesterday I helped rebetzin Smith to bathe the girls and then held newborn in my arms, gosh, it was just amazing. He smelled so sweet and looked around with big babyish eyes :) I had never actually held a baby of his age [age? 12 days]. It's a miracle when you see little human being, isn't it? IT IS, INDEED! It is especially miracle for his parents because they did not have children for a long time and now they have three wonderful kids, may Hashem bless them! I love them all so much.

This week is going to be over soon and new one will start. I am happy for having this opportunity be here in Berlin, live in midrasha with the girls, have such amazing teachers and people around. Thank G-d!

Have a wonderful and sunny Shabbat! I hope I will.

SHABBAT SHALOM!

Tanks in Tears

By Meir Levin (Translation: Shaul Gorgel)

Our girl school had an outing on the Golan Hights. That way The Israeli Ministry of Education had decided to make "Russian" children over into one hundred percent Israelis. Me and my wife travelled together with the school. Well experienced tour guides were called into action, complete with university degrees and broad smiles. Specially fitted tour programme that included motion pictures was meant to spark off some patriotic sentiment. So the trip was over, what was told there safely forgotten, but one story remains in my memory. It haunts me no less than the account of Metzudah defenders. Because I have returned to Israel, not just came here.

War crashes into our lives and homes in an unnoticeable kind of way and always at a wrong time. All of a sudden it turns out that someone didn't have the time to write up a letter to his mother. That a bride expects over her groom in a six hours time as he hopes finally to get a long awaited "yes".

Soldiers were asleep, as young men could be following excruciating military exercises. Yom Kippur, The Day of Atonement got in, a festival of fasting that brings together almost all of the Jews. There's even a sad joke, "Yom Kippur Jews". Anyways, the boys were fast asleep. Because their commanders kept saying to them that if the enemy dares to... we'll... And that the border is well guarded. And that "The Gardian of Israel doesn't sleep, nor does He drowse". Strong and reliable is battle-tried Israeli military.

The war tore up the quietude of the festival. Syrian tanks rolled into The Valley of Tears. The most advanced at the time T-55 tanks, complete with night vision gear. The latest of Soviet military hardware was always tested in real combat conditions. So the volley was set ablaze.

Khani really meant to say yes to her Beni. It's just that she wanted to lead him on a little more. She'd hate herself for that for many years to come. But in vain.

The fighting over the volley has been on for 2 days now. Less and less tanks respond to the vehicle in command. Communications with the head quarters are out. However, one thing is for sure, the reinforcement is coming. It can't be otherwise. The squad commander, Yig'al Baum receives the same response all over again to all his check-ins: "No ammunition. We're pulling back, back, back".

How difficult it is to take responsibility for someone else's life. The boys haven't lived it up yet. Some don't even know the taste of the first kiss. But what's there to do? The Syrians can't be let past - whatever the price. There comes through a unique order in the history of warfare: "All tanks follow me. The enemy doesn't realise we're disarmed".

But war is no game. You can't just bluff - lives are at stake. Ten tanks started slowly going uphill. Without firing, simply burning away the remaining fuel.

Unrestrained valour sometimes frightens more than the most heavy shelling there is. The Syrians suddenly began to retreat. By the time they figured out that the unfiring tanks aren't some kind of secret Israeli military ploy, the reinforcement moved in.

There are a lot of flowers in the Golan Hights. The flowers grown in the Volley of Tears will never wither. For the memory of the fallen soldiers cannot disappear. So forever will blossom the flowers on the ground drenched with our blood and tears.

PAY FOR ALL!

Yesterday I had those terrible thoughts - that once (or even twice) in a lifetime come to one's mind and eat it. About life, what have I achieved, where am I, what have I got??? What am I anyway???

Sometimes it bugs me so much.
I am 25, gosh.
And I am full of energy, full of positivity and all. But I still feel that I am stuck. I am not going to write some emo s$%^& here, but once you're a big girl - you have to be somewhere, you know. Most of girls of my age have either families and children or successful career.

I have none, can't hide it.
All I am is - socialist journalist and blogger who believed that would be a great TV presenter one day... who believed she would be a hot shot one day.

That One Day has not come yet.
I know I have plenty of time ahead, but I want it now - while I am young and f-ing restless.

You know what's my problem? I consider myself as a hot shot actually. I've always believed that I should've received anything for free and now I face the reality - gotta pay for all, Soph. FOR ALL!

P.S. And be careful with the priorities!!!

Potato Kugel :yay:

It's been quite a week as they say.
I learned a lot. Now I have to settle all my knowledge and information to analyze and think.
I begin to like Midrasha. I got to know with girls better and they're fine.

My aunt's health is much better as Lilu told me yesterday, Baruch Hashem. I'm so happy my prayers were heard.

Oh, and by the way :lol: not by the way, it's pretty serious story of me that happened yesterday :D every Thursday evening (or Friday morning) midrasha girls go to different families and help them cook Shabbat meals or babysit. So I went to the Smiths'. Rabbi Smith is Rosh Yeshiva of the Yeshiva in East Berlin as a matter of fact, so I felt quite honored to be in his house. Rebetzin Chaya is a wonderful woman and they have two adorable children. So she asked me to make potato kugel. Well, did I mention that I've never cooked any kugel in my life? Instead of 1/2 cup of oil I poured 2 cups and probably would have added more if Chaya did not stop me. I was so embarrassed, boy! Anyway, kugel-like-thing was done.
Her children did not want me to leave, so I had to tell them it was very late (09:10pm) and I was going to sleep too. Then rebetzin gave me cake and I left. On the way to midrasha I kept pinching myself:
'Me': Sophie, this lovely family who seldom asks midrasha girls to help them, called and trusted you their kugel; and what did you do?
'Sophie': I made the oiliest kugel in the world :|

Then I realized that it's not that big deal. Maybe kugel became tastier, huh? Whatever it might be, I learned a good lesson, how difficult it is to manage 2 children who try to "help you out" and make kugel with you, in addition with that you have to be patient, smily and good cook.
I hope to learn and be a good woman. I really really do.

Shabbat Shalom!