Like Liz Wurtzell

I'm back in Berlin. It's my third arrival and second year in the midrasha. I feel like I'm thousand years old and I've seen it all. I never thought I'd feel this way. Berlin always makes me sad in the beginning before I get used to it - new people, new environment and new me. Yes, new ME. I change day by day so much that sometimes I can't recognize myself.

Before I left home I had conversation with my mother and I felt like Elizabeth Wurtzel in "Prozac Nation" - "I wanted to become something big and important, I wanted to be successful, but I just could not." I guess I felt little guilty before my mum who has always wanted me to be a career woman, and I don't know if I ever wanted the same. Anyway, she cheered me up saying that she's happy if I am happy.

It is so difficult to be completely happy, but I'm trying. I really do. DO YOU TOO?

PAY FOR ALL!

Yesterday I had those terrible thoughts - that once (or even twice) in a lifetime come to one's mind and eat it. About life, what have I achieved, where am I, what have I got??? What am I anyway???

Sometimes it bugs me so much.
I am 25, gosh.
And I am full of energy, full of positivity and all. But I still feel that I am stuck. I am not going to write some emo s$%^& here, but once you're a big girl - you have to be somewhere, you know. Most of girls of my age have either families and children or successful career.

I have none, can't hide it.
All I am is - socialist journalist and blogger who believed that would be a great TV presenter one day... who believed she would be a hot shot one day.

That One Day has not come yet.
I know I have plenty of time ahead, but I want it now - while I am young and f-ing restless.

You know what's my problem? I consider myself as a hot shot actually. I've always believed that I should've received anything for free and now I face the reality - gotta pay for all, Soph. FOR ALL!

P.S. And be careful with the priorities!!!