Becoming oneself

Yes, pregnancy is hard, but being mum is harder. Forget the sleepless nights and early morning wake ups, forget the sore nipples in the beginning that make you scream and mad at the baby, never mind changing diapers with funny consistency in them; it is also you that changes when you become mum. Your life is never going to be the same. You will never be the same (thank G-d, don't wanna be either). The self of yours will change.

 

Every girl dreams about marriage, rather they dream about beautiful shiny wedding, princess gown, lovely guy that looks his best that day, people who came to watch and cherish the couple... all that cliche, you know.
Last year I was the main character of that cliche thing actually.
Got married in June 2011.
It was beautiful, I admit. There were my dear friends and people who I love, respect and wished to be there. It was a tiny dreamy day. Really.
It was about time, yes, I was no toddler definitely; at my 26 I had realized I was ready to tie the knot (boy, sounds this funny!) with this good man making me melt down like Amelie. So I did.
Even in my wildest dreams I would not be having traditional (orthodox actually) Jewish wedding with loads of charedi rabbis. I used to think I was a wild flower - to be sunny, funny and witty all the way.
Now I don't think marriage did any harm to my wild flowery character. It might have even improved me in a way one does when gets married and changes its life. I told to one of my closest friends that marriage is a huge challenge and being mum - battlefield :D it is, isn't it? True values have price to pay - change yourself, fight the demons that might be your inner friends and calm yourself down when baby cries so hard you have no idea how to soothe him.

Thus, it's been a year since then and we had a baby boy in April 2012, little prePesach wonder of ours. Ezra's his name and he's got my blue greyish eyes. He smiles as seldom as his dad, very much ashkenazi indeed.

This year has been quite a year. We've had some ups and downs as everyone does. We had hard times and we overcame them; this year made my post-feminist spirit realize that I belong to someone and actually like it;
I do cook, clean, do all the housewife thing, sometimes get mad (that's all media putting pressure) that women are never appreciated as they deserve; I am becoming one of those Jewish mums always having a cake or two in the fridge.

I can't really tell you where I stand now. I do not have much time for thinking, I have to do all as fast as I can, get some sleep, be a loving wife, take care of the baby, and only then I look in the mirror and see the familiar face of that post-feminist wild flower having found her true self. Oneself.

Would you go out?

I haven't blogged properly last month, have I? I've been quite busy and probably will be busy for rest of my life. It is actually nice being busy with something that makes you happy although you know it is not only happiness, but challenge and working on yourself for ever.

My hair and nails have same colour right now. I am half ready for Shabbat. Still haven't figured out what to wear... eternal wonder of a woman.

Have I mentioned that Midrasha's having "Dating Shabbaton" and many girls have arrived for this Shabbat? Who wouldn't anyway? Title is so catchy for the girls. Every girl likes to know more about dating and talk about it with other girls, even the nutty ones like me. I hope we're gonna have fun tonight. Sometimes you like to hang out with the girls, talk about shallow things and laugh out your guts. I love my little Midrasha girlies, I really do.

Dating issue is one of the serious things in Orthodox Judaism, not shallow at all. It is to be called matchmaking actually. When you hear about your girlfriends' dating you may have fun and laugh about it, but when it comes to you then you realize there is nothing so funny actually. You get nervous and only way to hide your anxiety is to play very cool and casual; to go on a date in your least posh clothes and minimal make up - not forgetting sunny smile and wit though ;)
Well, I am the last person to give tips about Shidduch, trust me. Life is a movie, remember? Especially my life is like the movie and I've been feeling that everything one gets is what one wants and needs. Anyway, I always behave like a frum Dylan Sanders, giggling and joking all the time.
No matter whether it's Orthodox Shidduch or not - you have to feel free and comfortable not only with the person you go out but with yourself first. It is all about making each other feel open and wild, you know. Who would go out with someone that makes you tight and shy? Not me. Although I know there are different individuals, shy ones need shy dates, weirdos go out with creepy ones and everyone's happy. As long as everyone's happy and satisfied world goes on turning, and so the population is multiplying, thank G-d.

Be cool, girls! You too, boys! :)

Shabbat Shalom!

Have a swell week end: love, live and laugh, willya?

Yellow soph_marine

Yellow is the colour of my attitude not only today - sunny, bright and full of fun. No matter what is going on in my life I always try to find a positive thing about it. What else can I do anyway? Sit and cry my eyes out? NO!!! I am not that kind of girl depressing herself, I can be sad and low but as long as I see the sun through clouds I know there is always something to hold on.

Yesterday my day was not this yellow though: it was more lilac, let me put it this way. It was more like a surreal movie shot in one room and still much meaningful than it could have been in some open area. It was intense, hard to control or be completely natural - in the end of the day I felt like I had taken part in some psychological experiment where you are allowed to watch rare dessert and not touch while you are so damn hungry. Now I think how strong one still can be and capable to control oneself. I mean, it is the best thing you realize afterwards - there is nothing like working on yourself and being able to remain faithful to your principles.
That's why I love life because it sets so many challenges to me.

It is so sunny in Berlin I can go mad :) And I am wearing my yellow sweater and tights shining in and out the midrasha swaying to the Lambada rhythms and feeling unbelievable spiritual freedom. I wish I knew what I mean by this SPIRITUAL FREEDOM, I can just feel it.

Have a great yellow week full of Sunshine in your heart and mind!!!

Free spirit from Above

I found this Italian song about Che Guevara in my old music file. I liked it so much that wanted to share it with you. So I uploaded it on youtube with Ernesto CHE's picture (my favourite one actually) and hope you'll enjoy. Remember - freedom is in our head and it's a state of mind. No-one can take away the free spirit all of us have got from Above :)