Controversial love of mine

This morning I woke up and realized that I miss Midrasha a lot. Particularly coming down to the kitchen filled with dozens of girls making mess on the table, kitchen desk, then myself giving them a "mussar", sometimes even being harsh on them and still loving them all so much.

You will never know this feeling if you have only lived home under the wing of your mum eating vanilla cream muffins every morning and kissing your dad goodbye. Girls of the midrasha are so controversial from different countries, family backgrounds, education, age, social and intellectual abilities, mentalities... So what, Abraham Ybn Ezra would say, don't expect me to be perfect when I am living in this controversial world. I love Ybn Ezra and I love my very dear controversial midrasha of Berlin - best place to grow up spiritually and physically, to learn how to get on with the various girls with various characters, to speak different languages and still every Shabbat going to synagogue and singing the beloved tune of Lecha Dodi, no matter who came from where, everybody loves and enjoys being Jewish there. Even people who want to become Jewish and feel the connection had come in the midrasha and felt the difference from the rest of the seminaries: that is what I call - authenticity. Authenticity of each and every girl, each and every teacher whether they come from Soviet Union or United States, or even very sophisticated Great Britain and fancy South Africa, everyone's dedicated and has one goal:
to be right, to develop and grow the love to Torah in every girl's heart. And as we all know, it is mostly about heart when it comes to the girls.

Last week Rivkah Carl, the former madricha, called me up to say goodbye for she was leaving next day to the states. I felt such love towards her. One needs so little to feel happy and glad; we spoke about the past year in the midrasha, the ups and downs, but hey, who could recall the downs? NOBODY. There is always 'ups' over there in the Lauder Midrasha, even if sometimes girls feel lonely and tired, under pressure or under excitement (for example if somebody's getting married and they have to get dressed and made up properly), but in the end of the day they could always find Rivkah, or Michal (the one and only em bayit Mrs Garrett, who I love so much), or even me (not so calm and wise as Michal but always ready to give a huge hug to anyone needed) to confide in and talk.

I don't know how it is going to be this year in the midrasha. There will be new management, new girls, new teachers, new family living on the third floor where all of us used to stick up colorful papers on the wall writing messages to the Garretts. I believe this new zman will be wonderful with Hashem's help, but we will never be the same, will we? We all grow up and change, leave the midrasha and have it also leaving amazing trail on our mind and soul. May all of us who have been or will be there always take positive, useful and sunny messages from the very controversial place of the world.

Lastly, not least though, thanks to Josh Spinner for founding place like this and giving us this opportunity. May you live long and happy life with your lovely family!!!

To Teddy and David

Sometimes I feel like all the Salinger characters taken together: Holden, Seymour, Teddy, Franny, Buddy... Gosh.
I did not go to the Smiths' today. I did not feel well, I wanted to stay home, have beer and read something from Salinger. I had missed him.

So I reread "Teddy". You know what kills me in it? Episode when Teddy's talking to the big guy and tells him how he found out about G-d's existence: He was 6 and saw his sister drinking milk. So he realized there must have been God in that milk and in his sister too. I just could not read it without my heart trying to jump out my chest. Boy, is Teddy amazing!
I don't know when I realized there was G-d. I think I was younger and my nanny read a story of David and Goliath to me - so I thought there should have been SOMEONE who would dwell in David's heart and mind to encourage him to defeat the huge enemy.

I think Teddy and I had the same experience, he saw God in the milk and I saw Him in 'little' David's heart which probably was trying to jump out as mine did today while reading "Teddy".

After reading it I could not stay in my room anymore. So I went downstairs at the Garretts' (this lovely young couple from the States). She was cooking for Shabbos with Rachel and I wasn't in time I guess. I walked here and there, said this and that, and I was about to leave when I decided to tell the story of Teddy to Michal and Rachel. That's how our conversation started. She told me how she feels about G-d, then her husband came home and we asked his opinion for he is very intelligent person. But he's a rabbi-to-be and I don't feel very comfortable speaking out my mind with him.

When I left I felt little sad. What if I should have not brought up "Teddy" at all? I am afraid that people will think of me as this smart but crazy person who reads Salinger like mad and sees G-d in the milk and David's heart. The problem is that I am little crazy and I would have never had this personality that I have now without reading Biblical stories in my childhood and Salinger in my adolescence.

But this is not all.
After leaving the Garretts' apartment I logged on Facebook and saw Rebekka's message. She sent me the link to her blog. Man! She is just unbelievable or I just want her to be so. She might be reminding me of my "Holden Caulfield" childhood and all those things that used to inspire me. Whatever it is I could never imagine that it was possible to have such thoughts and be able to express them so well.

I had a wonderful day I have to say.
Day full of learning, thinking and finding Teddy in my room dwelling in the book and waiting for me to open it up. So I did.