State of mind

Happiness is just a state of your mind,
Keep searching who knows what you may find...

The Spice Girls "Something Kinda Funny"

Have you ever looked at yourself from the other side and asked a question: are you happy, darling? I have.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and haven't recognized the face there? I have.
Have you ever lived somewhere and felt that you were not actually there? I have.
Have you ever loved yourself so much that almost started to hate? I have.
Have you ever danced tango at the Rio De La Plata in Buenos Aires? Me neither.
Have you ever met Salinger? I wish I had.
And this is none of those famous post-partum issues that one might have. I think I have passed all that already. It is all just Leipzig Sunday weather making it blue.

 

Well, thing is that I am a big fat or real slim shady or whatever mum now. I have two months old baby. I hardly sleep at nights and in the morning, which starts at 5 am, I try to be smily and happy for my baby.
G-d, is life hard!
Happiness is hard too. I mean to keep being happy is. My point is we all have dreamt about happiness not even knowing what that could have been.
Suddenly I feel so exhausted I tell myself, Sophie, just hold on, this too shall pass (not my copyright definitely), just take it easy and GROW UP! Yes, I keep telling myself to grow up and stop being this wannabe Drew Barrymore character.
I try to be calm and good. I want to be calm and good as a matter of fact. I want to be happy and satisfied with life, I want to be tuned in with the environment around me which doesn't always work. It has never worked anyway.

I was reading "Franny and Zooey" to my baby boy the other day. He did not really seemed that interested for he fell asleep soon on my chest but I kept reading and reading, feeling for Franny and later for Zooey too. Isn't it crazy that no matter what these guys are always there on my Ikea bookshelf to cherish me and stand by me? IT IS!

Keep searching, Soph. Please go on.

How's married life, Soph?

It's been almost a month we've been married.

Everyone keeps asking: so, Sophie, how's married life?

Like you don't know. Everything is sunny in my world.

Last year one of my friends got married and I heard everyone asking her how was her married life. Once she answered that it was kind of hard in the beginning to live with new person, get adjusted with new environment, new status and all. After a second I heard people saying, oh, their marriage is down the rocks, they must have some global [bedroom] problems... then other friend of mine got married and same questions were asked, she was just happily replying that marriage was the best thing and there was nothing like being home loving the husband. She was considered as husband-loving-freak with no global problems though. Thank Heavens!

So when my time had come, I decided not to answer questions like this or just suggest people to get themselves married.

Everything is as you make it. You want your marriage work - you do it. Word "love" has the same meaning as "giving" in Hebrew, in some languages "giving" is not considered quite something people are eager to do especially with the catholic world scaring everyone off.

Marriage is loving without thinking of reward; just believing in your soul-mate, judging him positively, showing warmth and giving a smile, making him feel you are always there for him. No matter you are Jewish Orthodox or secular one next block, you want to make it happen? So don't let the system get you down - love, love, love and don't be afraid to show it.

Someone told me once - I was the most grateful person ever seen and since then I realized I had to be even more for I've got all I need from G-d.
This is my married life - all I need.

Strawberry Marshmallows

Февраль. Достать чернил и плакать!
Писать о феврале навзрыд,
Пока грохочущая слякоть
Весною черною горит.

My every February belongs to the Boris Pasternak mood. Every year I start with hope that this February is going to be better than the previous. It is better indeed. My life changes, my thoughts change, although cold February still comes and goes with the same strange feeling... there is some sweetness in life that I go on searching... there is something that keeps me warm and smily... there is something that gives me strength and I know I can also give it back: the hope, the grace, the love, the smile filled with strawberry marshmallow sweetness.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUN!

My sweetest nutty has a birthday today. Drew Barrymore is turning 36. Amazing. She's exactly 10 years older than me. I grew up watching her movies and enjoying her smile. I think no other artist has influenced me so much as Drew. Because she has got it all: wit and smile that would rock your boat.

She had been there and seen it all. She has gone through troubles one can never imagine, but she never lost herself - she just laughed out her guts and kicked ass, didn't she? She has been most successful actress, producer and director of the new Hollywood generation. Drew is someone all the girls could strive for - funny, sunny and able to give love to the world.

Imagine me, some funny girl from tiny Georgia admiring Drew and being inspired by her. If she knew, she would be very proud and happy about it I am sure :)
Drew is like an old sister and a friend you could always turn to and tell things you would never tell to anyone else. Drew is like I am for Lila :) So funny because I have no closest friend than my cousin Lila and so has she. Drew is the sunny girl whose poster Lila and I still have in our room in the country house.

Happy Birthday, Drew! May you be healthy and blessed! Wishing you to have all you need! Keep smiling and shining through our eyes, will you?

אין זמן תחת השמש

This morning slipped away from me...
Woke up and felt the non-existed sun on my shoulders.
Cinnamon tea gave my life back and I opened up the window to the world.
The world is cinnamon today.
It is like Aviv Geffen singing there is no time under the sun for wars and fights...

I had a feeling there was someone waiting for me behind the door. Someone sitting, reading and knowing I would soon wake up and smile.

It is as if I've been writing a book about myself, and this book is nothing but reminiscences of light. Do you know what I mean? The book of dreams and somnambulism, orange and violet shadows of me... This book is so scary sometimes full of emotions, weakness, roughness and then suddenly there comes the שמש, my very own שמש and I am happy because I am the שמש, I am.

No time under the sun.

First Thursday of February. First Thursday February afternoon and the "שמש" sipping her cinnamon tea is looking through the clouds hoping for the real sun to shine out.

Lost In Silence

Mary Pickford (the silent movie star) - muse of the day

I have lost my voice completely. I am so sore and sad. I feel like the world is crashing down on me. I can't talk. I can only whisper and feel like that girl from Hans Christian Andersen's story who had to keep quiet and knit nettle jumpers for her bewitched brothers.

I know there must be some reason of my losing voice but I just can't think of it. What does my subconscious wants to say? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?

I was so happy yesterday, and grateful to G-d for everything. Today I also realize and thank Hashem even more for how much He has given me even though my voice is taken away.
If only you could imagine how it feels.
I am not that free after all, am I? I can't even breathe and talk as I would like to. Life is so ironic, so tough and rough. And people are even worse, asking slyly: Oh, Sophie, who were you shouting at yesterday that your voice got lost? Isn't that just mean and f-ing nasty? Everyone thinks they should know all about your life so then they can discuss about it. I am so mad. I am. I cannot even give my witty replies to them. Only one who does not ask questions is my room-mate Liora, she just gave me medicines and showed me she's there for me.

Actually it is very good lesson for me which will teach me patience, keeping silent and being humble.
So take it easy, Soph, just smile and be happy because everything is for good. Your voice will be back on time and you'll have so much wisdom you won't need to lose it again - be patient and nice!

Listening to ''The Goo Goo Dolls".

Blue-eyed Uncle

Last night was THE night. I went to sleep at 7 pm. Then woke up at 12 I guess when year 2011 was about to enter the world. Heard those crazy fireworks but did not even bother to get up and look out the window.

After that tried to sleep but could not for hours. I suddenly recalled all my extraordinary uncles and aunts. I have an amazing uncle really. The youngest brother of my mother. He is not quite young, he's 50 but very cool. One friend reminded me about Ping Pong game and that is why I remembered him probably. I used to play ping pong with him, and I actually always won, then he would smile with his blue eyes and say: Soph, I'll be lucky in love though. I am telling you he's funny. What love? He has grown up sons and beautiful wife. Anyway he is always eager for love I guess. I mean he does everything with his heart and soul. Sometimes I think that my crazy sense of humour is all from him. Plus he looks like my mother very much - with his big blue eyes and lovely smile, and humour just like me: you never know when he jokes and when he really means it.

I guess I felt little loneliness last night that is why I tried to escape in my adolescence and thought about my family. I have been very independent since I was little kid with reddish hair, everyone would ask my opinion and then I just grew out from all of them. I decided to live different life of a religious Jew. And left them behind. Now when I imagine that I cannot eat my uncle's fried potatoes or I need to check how he makes yogurt, it hurts me a bit.

Then I realize that it is just childhood I miss, you know, when I was this wild girl running and laughing her guts out hoping she would become someone really great. It is crazy to put such ideas into little girl's head that she should be someone great when she grows up no matter what. And what if this girl does not want to be someone great at all but just be a sweet wife and mother. Is it too old fashioned? I know people who think so.

You know what my uncle told me once? That I will be great in anything I do even if I just smile and make someone's day. He himself is crazy, funny and sometimes blue too, but he always knows how to cheer me up and make me feel good about myself. I think this is the point when you understand that someone really loves you - makes you feel good about yourself and inspires you to become even better.

Leap Year - about American women & Irish men

I can't understand why do all those successful American women leave everything behind for rude, hairy pub owner Irish men?


Yep. This movie "Leap year" is about an American redhead Anna who falls for Irish Declan (not easy name to pronounce), who is rude, eats like pig and never helps her to carry the luggage.



It's a typical American movie shot by English director Anand Tucker who's quite okay I would say. It will absolutely remind you the other American redhead woman vs Irish man movie "Laws of attraction".

So very Good_e, smoking, huh?

Still worth to see just for breathtaking scenery of Ireland, Amy Adams's childish yet very mature face and Matthew Goode - just another British bad boy with dark eyes and attractive smile.

5/10

Oh, and she reads

Oh, dearest Marilyn, I know no more who you really were. There are lots of photos with you reading books, sitting thoughtfully and smiling sadly. Who were you anyway - was it just for business to make you blond bimbo and suddenly reveal that you were intelligent ginger girl? Maybe you weren't intelligent at all? I'm just too confused with this Hollywood drama, marketing stuff :/ it's so depressing. Oh, now I know who you were :)

Just SMILE

I want to inform YOU that:

• I am not that sweet and babyish girl I seem to be
• I hate talking to strangers
• I do not care what happens in 2012 - "apres moi le deluge", ok?
• I do not believe in silly compliments

But I do believe that this world is not designed for me... wait, I think that was George Byron saying that :P
Well, take it easy and just smile at me if you really want to impress me.

Just Listening

I know that people are different and I should not demand from everyone to be as I want them to be - like me :|
But why can't they be nicer? I prefer people who can be polite and smile even they don't feel that way. Why can't they just listen? People can't listen, it's unbelievable.

Today we had an amazing shiur with Olga Afanasev, she's just great. I wish more girls could attend her classes - because she just teaches us to listen others, to be compassionate, to be better person so to say. I'm not sure whether it helps or not, but I can see that the girls who come to this class have become friendlier and confident. So have I.
I've always been a listener, but sometimes it gets hard for me - only listening while others hate listening, or if they do listen, you can feel they do kind of favor to you. That's why I prefer to listen and then write, you know, at least I can be heard this way =))

Well, don't take this post too seriously, I'm just very tired, missed my mum, my home, my room, my bed, my kitchen, my sister Lilu - she's the one who can listen to me (and Dina for sure).

Ella, this sweet new girl in midrasha, said today: 'Hashem elokeinu, Hashem echad - that means He is not only One, but He's Unique - when you are sure of that, nothing can ever bring you down.' She's just wonderful person. Thanks for people like her I keep on sunny-ing!

He is Unique, and He is with me, I shall not fear!

"BUG" Named SOPHIE

I think I bug people with my theories about kindness, true beauty, sunny smile and etc. What can I do, man? I really believe in all that, I wake up and go to bed thinking about kindness, smile and all;
Today I gave a 'Dvar Torah' (speech) before Minchah for the girls. I talked about Hillel and Shammai in Pirkei Avot, about their arguments about priorities, simply say, what one should do first - study and love people or love people and then study?

So I gave my personal example of Ba'ale T'Shuva, who has come to Judaism just a year ago. I've become much better person after this year, but my basic beliefs and character haven't really changed. I am what I always was. I just got more knowledge, 've become patient and nicer, but not something miraculous, if you know what I mean. So, I said that it's not about how much you learn, but how dedicated you are to the people around, because if G-d wanted us only for praying to Him, He would have placed us on separated islands and we all would lived far from each other. Instead Hashem created nations, communities, families to live with other people and make relationships.
In other words, He created the world for us and us for the world!

Chodesh tov everyone!!!

Strange Connection

Don't know why, but I feel this strange soul connection to this blog of mine. It's not been very long since I've started it, but I think it's more bloggish than my other ones. I blog whatever I want, even unimportant and random things. With this blog I feel like a hippie or reggae girl, who does not care what is going on around her. She's sunny-funny-witty-smily. Life is as it is and I wanna have fun. I wanna live every second, enjoy everything G-d created and love as many people as I can. Really. Really.
LOVE G-D! LOVE YOURSELF! LOVE LIFE! LOVE LOVE! :)

Dance! Dance! Dance!