Swinging in the Rain

Shalom alechem, geshem!!!

These words came out when I left Lidl and the raindrops fell on my coat. I have no umbrella, no rain boots on me, how marvelous! - I smiled to the sky.
I don't know why I talked in Hebrew to the rain, that's just what came out from my heart at that moment.

And you know what happened yesterday?

After coming home from 3 hours waiting at the doctor's office, I looked at my phone and changed the weather forecast to Tbilisi. Then I napped for hours and after waking up, I looked at my phone again (how logical of our times) and wondered, why do I have Tbilisi forecast on my screen? I don't live there anymore... and my heart quenched a bit. I missed my Tbilisi, beautiful old city of my youth. City that will always be in my heart, no matter how old I am and where I live. It's the place I was born and the place I got my heart broken in. place where I know everything. Rather I knew. It should be different now, it's been 10 years since I left. Despite speaking millions (not literally) of languages, moving in different countries and cities, my heart probably is still 20, dreaming in rainy spring Tbilisi, listening to the radio and writing away...
Thanks, Hashem for that.

Georgia's on my mind

Thanks for sending this rain to cleanse my heart and soul, Hashem. I didn't think it would rain, it was such a clean sky when I woke up. I thought it would be freezing cold with sun. But there it came - sweet geshem of mine.

I'm officially sick with sinus infection. After bringing kids to school, shopping and having such sweet conversation with rain, I made my late favourite lavender tea with lemon and put some working jazz on to go on with this swinging mood...

I've been writing only about Sanditon lately and today this rain made me feel so good, I figured, I should write about my mood too.

I turned 35 in December. I'm a wife, mother, teacher, daughter, human!!! It feels like the quarter of my life has been lived and now I am this semi-wise lady that can tell you her opinion. Not that I was ever shy to express my mind, but now being 35 gives me the right to do so even more, does it not?
But on the contrary I've been quite silent, because I don't feel like sharing my opinion that much anymore. I've got responsibilities and once you say something, you cannot swallow it back. Now that I am older and supposed to be smarter, I try to be diplomatic, and am trying to let go of my insecurities, talk less and think more.
As my old dear friend told me: everything is under control, but not your's!

So let Hashem control it, since He is the best at that. And let me have this rainy day with music and my tea, swinging little blues on my heart.

Thoughts for Chol ha moed Sukkot

I've been thinking lately that this blog isn't working anymore and I probably should be thinking of making something new, write often and more openly. I am not sure though if I am able to do that. Let alone that I don't have that much time and as Ezra grows older he needs more attention from me, he needs to be entertained all the time; second thought was, English is not my mother tongue obviously and I might not be expressing myself well writing in English; and last but not the least - I am not honest. I mean, I am sometimes but mostly I think I am not. No, I am not pretending or anything, I just omit many many things that are going on in my life, things that bug me a lot and I just don't write about them.
Should I be though?
The only annoying (all right, sometimes there are more) thing about Judaism is that you can't and shouldn't criticize people but work on yourself and if somebody really gets on your nerves, you should go and tell. You should not get angry in any situation because getting angry equals worshiping idols which is THE major sin of all. Unfortunately we are all idol worshipers every now and then, especially when this very idol happens to be our own ego.

Anyway.
That day passed and I think I won't leave this blog. I'll try to write whenever and whatever I can. I really wish I could write interesting posts here. I've been reading loads of blogs, but there are so few that I really like. I think there is only one actually. This young Australian woman, Talia, who must be somewhat of my age blogging about her family and cute 8 months son.
There are some other blogs too, but they get boring. But this girl Talia keeps it so simple and natural, you don't need to try hard to like what she does. She was quite inspiring for me to continue blogging in English actually, to be what I am, what I REALLY am no matter how hard it might be.

What about Sukkot, you'd ask me. I think this year's holidays have been very very hard for our family as my father-in-law almost died from terrible heart attack just before Shabbat that proceeded Rosh Hashanah. He's been in hospital since then and most probably he won't be able to get back. This is unbearable for his wife and sons, especially my husband who is so fond of him. I might not be able to understand that feeling exactly but when I see my husband so sad and blue my heart is breaking. What do you say in times like this when you are sure it is not going to be all right? Nobody wants to hear you saying that it's G-d's will and everything is for the best. You don't tell that to people who lose their beloved and dear person, do you? Because no-one needs your stupid consolation. So all I do is being next to my husband and his family, and Ezra, baruch Hashem, is the sun that makes his grandma and everyone smile.
Sukkot is such a beautiful time of the year when all the Jews come out, build up the sukkah (hut) and live in it for 7 days to remind themselves how they left Egypt, wandered homeless, and only G-d was above saving them from hunger and thunder.
Exactly 3 years ago Sukkot holidays inspired me to start searching for my roots, for my nation and my G-d that is actually not only mine but the whole wide world's if only they knew it. Many things happened in my life since then, I went through many things as name and homeplace changing... and now here I am, far from that Sukkah I went 3 years ago in Tbilisi, Georgia, my hometown; now I am in cold Europe trying to keep the sun on my windows as long as it is possible, totally changed as mentally so physically (well, you have to change when you give birth and nurse, and don't limit the food at all) and growing older (hopefully wiser too) day by day.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because it's Sukkot, the festival of joy, time to receive guests in your hut and recognize the might of Hashem: nothing in this world is yours, even if you own all the world luxurious villas and mansions, when it comes, it comes and you are out to wander again, homeless...
Jewish holidays are just wonderful, always reminding us where we were so we don't forget where we could also end up.
The Chol ha moed started today, couple more days and Shabbat again, then on Sunday night we will welcome Simchat Torah which is one of my favourite festivals. I'll keep you updated, bli neder.

(You see I am a master of hopping from one subject to other like Holden Caulfield. What scares me is that Holden was just 16 and I am 27.)

2012 Purim, Ok and that's all for now

This year's been full of changes and saying this I feel like deja vu all the time. I think since 2010 my life's been going through such changes that one may go crazy. As for myself - do not worry, never heard someone went in the same water twice as they say.

Anyway, Purim was good, but as every other festival, you wait for it forever and it lasts for a second, then the celebration is gone and you're left with the hope of next and better one. Oh, and loads of chametz to finish till Pesach.


Yes, I baked loads of Hamantaschen this year for Purim and hope people liked them. We had them for Shabbat dessert too and my husband thought they were good enough; since he's only fond of a Russian type of creamy-sweets and fat tarts, it sounded quite as a compliment.
Making Gozinaki did torture me though. I stayed up till late to make it proper so that one could've given away. You need patience to make a good Gozinaki, trust me as I come from "the land of nuts and honey". In the end it came out delicious indeed and hope, people who tried it did not regret knowing me.
That's how our Purim went.
We had this very extraordinary Purim hopping party where we visited three families of our community. Each one of them had a very original idea for food and drinks, there were Russian, Mexican and USA snacks. Very enjoyable, truly. I love Leipzig community more and more, relaxed and family-like, you can be in your shoes and be happy if you know what I mean. Usually it is always hard to stay in your shoes and not to try some fancier ones but the thing is I've always preferred my mainstream shoes to others' couture ones so I like Leipzig better than any other place I've ever lived; even in Tbilisi you get depressed about shoes and all the material crap that is. Well, it's not about the shoes you can always tell.
So right now I absolutely second east Germany.

Pesach is coming up so are some of my important dates and it makes me nervous how am I supposed to clean and prepare everything with my growing self? :) Then I just remember I should not worry and stress myself, but let it go and as I've read here, just feel OK, because when I am OK, everyone else around is OK too.
OK?

Unappeased yearning to return

The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.

Milan Kundera ("Ignorance")

Yes, I've been there. I've been to Prague - the city of melancholy, writers, lost artists, beautiful people, golden beer and me. I was there and did not even see Milan Kundera. I was there and could not even tell anyone how much this means to me, how happy I was being there and breathing the same cold air with my dear book characters. I grew up reading about these people, I felt what Kundera felt, I was dreaming about them back home in Tbilisi sitting on my orange couch, reading, reading and then writing endlessly... This trip was most nostalgic and sad for me. Prague reminded me of Tbilisi a little and made me realize that I am lonely. Lonely in sense of belonging to no place, finding no serenity anywhere and always fading.

This journey showed me who I really am, and it scared me.
In a good way though. I am a human. Oh, so human.

The friend of mine tried to realize why was I sad and felt so odd. I could not tell. Sometimes I become numb. I only feel what I feel and cannot explain.

I just need to know there are eyes caring about me.
Eyes. Hands. Mind. Heart. Soul and everything. Everything. I need to have it all.
It is not only about Prague - it is about me and my state of mind.

שנה טובה ומתוקה

Yes, it's been a year.
Quite a long and important year. Remember my Rosh Hashanah last year? It was one of the best days of my life and I'll never forget it.

This year is very different. I am different too. It's been total 6 months I study at the midrasha. It was September 24th when I arrived in Berlin for the first time and that's when all the changes began. It was difficult in the beginning, I needed quite a time to adjust and get used to Germany. And here I am now after a year, waiting for Rosh Hashanah and thinking about my past year, future plans and the life choice. My mother used to tell me that one should grab a chance and make the right choice before it fades away. I guess I was always a good daughter listening to my mother... even though she wanted me to become a career woman, I still grabbed a chance and made this choice of becoming religious Jew and keeping all the commandments with joy and happiness.

I very much hope to improve my character this year, to work on my negative features; be more patient, and less emotional than I am now. I also hope to be forgiven by all the people who I have accidentally hurt. You know I love you all, I love the whole wide world for it is the place that Almighty G-d created for us and now it is absolutely up to us how to take care of it and each others.

Do you also think that I grew old? Lots of people who I had not seen for a long time and meet me now keep telling me that I have changed a lot, and there's something womanish in me :) funny, isn't it? I think it was time for me finally to become womanish. Sunny girl should be left in the past and I should move on and on.

May you all have sweet and meaningful New Year!!! My special love and best of brachot to family Rosenblatt in Tbilisi - last Rosh Hashanah will remain in my heart forever. THANK YOU!

שנה טובה ומתוקה

Ashing News

I just got a new domain for my Georgian blog: SUNNY WORLD - I am so excited about it.

Plus, my flight to Berlin is cancelled due to that volcano crash in Iceland. It's getting ridiculous as I've been waiting for visa quite long and now this nature disaster is disturbing me a lot. Anyways, I believe it's for the best and probably I still have some mission in Tbilisi to complete.

P.S. On Friday I attended internet TV conference, where I met Xiaxue, this miniature singapurean blogger who visited Georgia with her producer Gillian Tan. The conference was quite interesting and very well organized I must say.

Back Home

No matter how things are, there is always reason to be grateful to Hashem, even if only for the privilege of being a Jew and serving Him joyfully.

'Seeker of Slumbering Souls' - stories of the Baal Shem Tov

I'm back to Tbilisi. HEY YA!
Have arrived on Wednesday morning.
It feels so strange, you know. I do not remember what I was doing before I left for Berlin. What kind of person I was. As for now - I can tell I've become much patient and sunnier person, chasidish lass, as I call myself.

By the way I read The Baal Shem Tov stories this Shabbat. He must have been so sweet and lovely man. I wish I knew him. I love rabbis like that, you can talk to and feel open, like rabbi Meir Roberg too.

So, I thank G-d for everything I have got - for those amazing months in Berlin Midrasha, for the people I've met, for all that I've learned there. For my mum and amazing cousins here in Tbilisi.
I am happy!

P.S. Ella wrote to me on Facebook that it was snowing in Berlin this Shabbat and she remembered me :) Oh, how I wish I was there, I'd dance so much with joy and happiness, how great our Hashem is - snow is a wonder for me, as anything else (I pray to Hashem for the snow in Tbilisi... do pray for me girls please!)

Love Is Never Enough

With dearest Chana Rivka

With lovely rebetzin Leah Portnoy & her baby Emuna Brocha

Midrasha gals

I'm leaving for Tbilisi tomorrow.
I can not believe it. CAN YOU?
It feels like I've been here forever. Midrasha has become my life and these girls - important parts of it. I am excited to go home, but hope to come back very soon, bezrat Hashem.

How can I evaluate those 3 months I've been here?
I do not know.
They have been full of fun, love, joy, sun and TORAH LEARNING.
I've become much better person for sure.

And everything started from an e-mail I wrote to Josh, the boss of the place.
It was definitely the beginning of the changes and he made it happen.

I did not like Berlin at first - people were too cold for me, I could not find a friend to talk to... and now I have lots of girls around I can talk to. I got used to midrasha and living with 18 more girls, who have different characters, and they are all just amazing.

There was this community women chanuka party yesterday in midrasha. Paula, Louise and Keren played violins and keyboard, we had tasty food, children were all around... everyone was happy, smily and sweet. When I look at the pictures I took, I can see how my face shines and sparkles. All I ever wanted was - love love love! I always missed family feeling, and suddenly I feel that I belong here to this community. I was happy. I still am.
Even though I've always been loved, it was never enough if you know what I mean.
And I hope more love is coming on my way!!!

Thank you, dear Hashem!
And thanks to all my teachers at the Lauder Institution, best community ever.

Back to CCCP

Me and my friends went out today after Shabbat. We went to this awkward place named CCCP in East Berlin. It was nothing like USSR actually; people dressed up in Halloween masks and all. Barwoman wore such a short skirt you could see her underpants. I was unease and our company wasn't that friendly so to speak. But after a while, we started to talk about my favorite american literature; and now I started missing my 'Franny and Zooey', Holden, Seymour...
I still have to read more. I can't wait to get back in Tbilisi and grab as many books as possible.
I love intellectual people, but not like snobbish ones, who doesn't let you to express your opinion and keep talking about some 'Grand' names. Ok, we all know Tolstoy's genius :| I like open-minded people, who can listen as good as talk. That's quite rare though, you know.

I really wish I had conversations like this often, because I feel like I'm becoming too humble and close myself from outside world. I don't know whether it's good or bad, but I really thirst for the literature right now. I need to think, to dream, to write and analyze things that are going on in my life.

Have a great week!

Lost in Antwerp

City Hall of Antwerp

Ziskind family

Ostend

I went to Antwerp for holiday of Sukkot. It's been amazing there, I fell in love with Belgium really. Me and other 9 girls from the Berlin midrasha lived in various families. I stayed at Ziskind family. They had made lovely sukkah outside the house, we sat there for seudas. Boys and their father, rabbi Ziskind sang and entertained us.

Antwerp is lovely city and I'd love to live there. People are so relaxed and calm. Jewish neighbourhood has been so warm to us. We went in 4 families for a dinner as ushpizins. The day before our departure, we went to Ostend, rented bikes and rode them down to the beach. It was just amazing!!! It was raining and we still did not care - rode and rode on...

When we got back in Antwerp, Belz sisters and other Antwerp girls threw a party for us. We danced for hours. I even performed georgian dance and everyone just loved it. I had so much fun. Although I missed my georgian friends so much, when I'm back, Bezrat Hashem, I should make something like that in Tbilisi for the MaBaT girls.

Now I am in Berlin already. Till 13th October we have holidays so fun is still there waiting for us ;))

Love ya all,

Tschuß

MaBaT GIRLS

After Shabbat at Naomi's (December '08)

Georgia supporting Israel - georgian friends of MaBaT (January '09)

Lesson before Pessach (passover) 2009

Lag B'omer 2009

Mtatsminda park (September '09)

Sagarejo, Kakheti (August '09)

Dina in Kazbegi (August '09)

Ananuri (August '09)

Narikala (July '09)

Making khinkali at Naomi's (December '08)

Picnic in Betania (August '09)

How can I not write about my dear girls of MaBaT.

MaBaT is a kind of institution for jewish girls who are interested in jewish traditions; who wants to get closer to judaism, to learn and let others learn from her. MaBaT was founded by Dina Eligulashvili and Naomi Orjonikidze. Afterwards they gathered all the girls and voila: now we are more than 10 girls, Thank G-d.

We arrange meetings, we make shabbatons. Naomi is the spirit of us all - as we don't have any appartment for our organisation, she invites all of us at her house, where we can cook kosher meal for Shabbat. On Shabbat we sing songs, read books about traditions, Torah, play some intellectual games, walk and talk about our future another halves, as every girl does.

Also we wouldn't have done without rabbi Avimelech and Julia Rosenblatt, who help us arrange shabbatons. They give us accomodation, meal and amazing company.

We spent amazing summer 2009.
With our friend Misha, who was driving us with his car, we had wonderful trips in Georgia. We have been to Kakheti (Signagi, Tsinandali, Ikalto), Kazbegi, Betania. All the photos and videos you can see here.

Last, but absolutely not least - we had these Girls' Sunday Outs all summer long - which meant that every Sunday MaBaT girls would go out to Tbilisi. We have visited Narikala, Botanic garden, Kus tba and so on. As we have no regular sponsors, we have paid for those Sunday Outs by ourselves. We hope there will be some good people to help us girls to learn more.