How's married life, Soph?

It's been almost a month we've been married.

Everyone keeps asking: so, Sophie, how's married life?

Like you don't know. Everything is sunny in my world.

Last year one of my friends got married and I heard everyone asking her how was her married life. Once she answered that it was kind of hard in the beginning to live with new person, get adjusted with new environment, new status and all. After a second I heard people saying, oh, their marriage is down the rocks, they must have some global [bedroom] problems... then other friend of mine got married and same questions were asked, she was just happily replying that marriage was the best thing and there was nothing like being home loving the husband. She was considered as husband-loving-freak with no global problems though. Thank Heavens!

So when my time had come, I decided not to answer questions like this or just suggest people to get themselves married.

Everything is as you make it. You want your marriage work - you do it. Word "love" has the same meaning as "giving" in Hebrew, in some languages "giving" is not considered quite something people are eager to do especially with the catholic world scaring everyone off.

Marriage is loving without thinking of reward; just believing in your soul-mate, judging him positively, showing warmth and giving a smile, making him feel you are always there for him. No matter you are Jewish Orthodox or secular one next block, you want to make it happen? So don't let the system get you down - love, love, love and don't be afraid to show it.

Someone told me once - I was the most grateful person ever seen and since then I realized I had to be even more for I've got all I need from G-d.
This is my married life - all I need.

Not November

It is not November I know that. Not to mention the sweet one.
I need no Mercedes either.
I have many scarves though.

My life in Berlin is coming to an end, I've been here for 16 months. I was good and bad. I felt lonely and had lots of fun with the Midrasha girls. Traveled enough, saw places, faces, spaces... many things have changed since I've come here.
I have too changed.

I don't write letters to Che Guevara anymore, don't get angry about social injustice and try to be patient with anything that comes my way. Well, it does not work sometimes.

Do you know what hasn't changed in me? I still close my eyes and imagine bluest sea and the sun hugging my shoulders, getting me sunny and free. I know all the theories about reality, life, people and the harsh destiny we have to handle since Adam and Eve decided to have the fruit they were not supposed to have.
Never mind Che Guevara, I wish I could write to Eve.
Or I may be talking to her everyday for I believe there has to be some part of her in me as in every other woman.

Haven't written anything lately... I guess I have been saying that forever. Gosh. Am I becoming one of those failed authors who keep complaining they cannot write? One of my friends from Georgia recorded my old poetry and sent to me. I cried. I used to write nice stuff and it is ironic all that I have written has come true. I do not remember my old feelings at all, I don't remember people who I thought I would never forget...
Everything has become just a tiny reminiscent of a somnambulic book called: Sophie's life before...

I am nothing but a dirt.
I am not the first to say that unfortunately.
We will all fade away.
Torah will remain - only thing that will always be as long as there is Someone watching over His creation.
Nothing else matters now and all I want is to go to sleep and let this week finish. SOON.

Orange walls and Ulysses with the lights off

It's getting harder and harder to breathe.
Maroon 5 has the copyright for these lyrics.
I had a friend who hated me.
Mayakovsky could never shoot himself.
This world turns on and on, and on...
Then you find yourself looking up the Zohar
Pretending you're so smart Shimon Bar Yochai would have adopted you.
Then you open your eyes and see the orange walls of your room.
You are still yourself - not knowing right from left.
At least that's what your friend thought.
Here you stop thinking and grab Ulysses.

Then you write the most insane lyric in the world.
Having found Drew Barrymore's weird photo
You can just post it and go to sleep.
You are too overwhelmed to sit and think.
Sylvia Plath was not Gwyneth Paltrow
Although Esther Greenwood was a virgin.
Nobody cares and you close all the books you've opened before.
23:35
Time to wake up some demons and dance the waltz till they drop off their scary bony jaws.
Tim Burton, come on, shoot somethin'

Ulysses gone.
Lights are on while someone comes in and says:
Turn'em off, Sophie, before you go to sleep.
Please.
I wish I could say: have I ever left the lights on? Do I look like someone leaving the lights on?
But you would never say that, Sophie, for the midrasha has trained you well.
All I say is: Sure. Good night.
Only then you can go back and e-mail your fiance.
The one who takes your breath away.
Lights go off as you start to leave for the orange room.
23rd of May, little crazy bride that you are, less than 4 weeks to go.

A Month

I am so nervous right now.
I am so anxious.
I am so terrified.

19th of May means it is a month to go...

And I miss my fiance so much, it gets harder and harder to live apart.
The weather is stupid as usual - it started to rain then the sun showed up, I wanted to go to sleep meanwhile but now I think I'd better go and get things done.

Georgian consulate is not answering my calls which drives me mad and I probably will go there on Monday without an appointment at all. These government offices are so disturbing, aren't they? Have you ever seen any official representative of the country that would welcome and help you? I have not. Never indeed. And it is not just Georgia, no, my Israeli friends also complain about that, so do others.
It does not comfort me though.
I wanted some paper to be done soon.

I feel so tired, sleepless; my head aches, back aches, eyes ache, stomach aches and I think everything is getting on my nerves, even those things not connected to my body.

Oh, in addition with that I got James Joyce's "Ulysses" and I intend to read it soon. How soon, that is the question :D

Drew Barrymore has got new boyfriend, have I told you that? He's ok. I still prefer Justin Long to him but as long as Drew's happy I am happy. I actually wish I could invite her on my wedding. Wouldn't it be swell?
Anyway.

Drew and Will Kopelman

I am going to be a married woman in a month who will have to take care of her husband, household; one to make home most warm and peaceful place. It is so exciting and little frightening as well because it is something new and unknown, but as my fiance would've said, everyone goes through this and so will we.

Berlin - Haus ohne Hüter?

Days are so long in May or it just seems to me because I want May to be over as soon as it could be. It's just 00:00 uhr and I feel like I've been living today's day forever. I wanted it to finish and now it's gone. I've witnessed one more 9th of May becoming part of the world history.
Do I represent a tiny bit of history too?
I am living it in Berlin and dreaming of its bohemian life in the mid 50's when the youth rebelled and Heinrich Böll published his "Haus ohne Hüter". And even then you could eat most delicious brown Brot with sunflower and sesame seeds, butter on it.

Can't write anything lately. I haven't written anything except my blogposts and pocket diary. Either I am too busy or too concentrated on what is going on in my life. Or both plus millions of other things that keep me away from literature. I have heard so much complains from the writers who are afraid to confess they have actually failed. What if I am also a failure writer? I have not written anything interesting since last year I guess.

I went for a walk today and visited couple of book-stores trying to find something new to read. I feel such cultural thirst cannot even explain. I need literature so badly. I need to read and write, to be inspired and feel that I can express myself on paper (not literally nowadays). Did not find anything though and decided first I should try to write and then read new books if I find anything amusing and worth while.

I have all I need though.
I really do.
All I need.

Lights will guide you home

This post is dedicated to the memory of Sylvia Plath - my late inspiration.

Sipping my Earl Grey while there are words of the Coldplay's "Fix You" in my mind.
Trying to believe that lights will guide me home... home... There have been major changes in my life. Since March 23rd I've been engaged to get married. I am to be a wife. I am to be the one warming up home and making it into the coziest place for my husband and most irresistible castle for the non-friends.

I am so grown up while I still sometimes feel like this little Georgian girl wandering around the world who used to look for the light. Light guiding home, light guiding to the heart of the person who could be the light itself.

What does every girl dream of? Finding a perfect guy, to love and be loved. To get married, wear a white gown and feel like the queen of the universe knowing this must be the best day of her life.
I've never dreamed of wedding actually. All I ever wished was to marry a guy who would be worth of dedicating my life.
There is very famous German scholar Rabbi Hirsch who said love is something to come after marriage, after the time two people become one and I cannot agree more, but before two becoming one you need chemistry between those two; you need this divine or, let us say, physical attraction that makes them committed to each other.

Life is all about seeing the light and letting it guide you through darkness. We all know spiritual and mental darkness is the worst of all. Just have finished Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" and once more realised that life is so hard especially for intelligent women. You may go insane by every little thing that comes your way and does not go your way if you know what I mean. More you think less you know.

Then you just sip off your Earl Grey and loving the last drop of it - bittersweet and so English tasting - warms you up and guides you to serenity. If there is any serenity at all. It is all up to you.

Goodnight Moon

There's a nail in the door
And there's glass on the lawn
Tacks on the floor
And the TV is on
And I always sleep with my guns
When you're gone

There's a blade by the bed
And a phone in my hand
A dog on the floor
And some cash on the nightstand
When I'm all alone the dreaming stops
And I just can't stand

What should I do I'm just a little baby
What if the lights go out and maybe
And then the wind just starts to moan
Outside the door he followed me home

Well goodnight moon
I want the sun
If it's not here soon
I might be done
No it won't be too soon 'til I say
Goodnight moon

There's a shark in the pool
And a witch in the tree
A crazy old neighbour and he's been watching me
And there's footsteps loud and strong coming down the hall
Something's under the bed
Now it's out in the hedge
There's a big black crow sitting on my window ledge
And I hear something scratching through the wall

Oh what should I do I'm just a little baby
What if the lights go out and maybe
I just hate to be all alone
Outside the door he followed me home
Now goodnight moon
I want the sun
If it's not here soon
I might be done
No it won't be too soon 'til I say
Goodnight moon

Well you're up so high
How can you save me
When the dark comes here
Tonight to take me up
To my front walk
And into bed where it kisses my face
And eats my head

Oh what should I do I'm just a little baby
What if the lights go out and maybe
And then the wind just starts to moan
Outside the door he followed me home
Now goodnight moon
I want the sun
If it's not here soon
I might be done
No it won't be too soon 'til I say
Goodnight moon
No it won't be too soon 'til I say
Goodnight moon