Isaiah

Sometimes we have such calm and relaxing Shabbat I absolutely forget the outside world and just immerse myself in my warm home.
This morning I had time to read the weekly parshah "shmot" and its haftarah which was from Isaiah. The latter prophets tend to sadden me: Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ovadiah, but this week's haftarah was not that depressing. It was about the redeemer, theme of hope and rejoice.

Who are we hoping for? Do we really believe that the messiah could really help? Can he really change the social rules or make our economy better? Are we just too infantile to long for the warm motherly chest where you feel so safe you would never leave it if you knew the harshness of the world.
This is hard to understand.

I think the redeemer is inside us. Each one of us was born to carry its burden and not to give in. Yes, sometimes it might get unbearable and you feel so weak you wish you could scream and shout and bring the messiah right away. It does not happen that way though. It never will.
I remember we had amazing Rabbi Osher Baddiel last year visiting the midrasha and giving quite intellectual shiurim about Mashiach. That's what he also said quoting Rambam. Mashiach is not someone who comes and takes away all your debts, or makes water into wine. He could be anything and anyone. He is not to come and make the world easier place to live. No. The world has been designed the way it is, Adam and Eve had done what they could to make our lives extravagant and now it is all up to us to live it. To change what's been done and make the world better place.

What is the WORLD though?

Outside world is nothing that impresses me lately.
I am building this little sunny world inside. You can't change anything without changing yourself, or at least trying to.

Last year was so full of emotions and making decisions, long distance relationship, engagement, wedding, new place, new people... new environment; new him and me. And as it usually happens - loads and loads of people watching you, discussing you, wondering about your life and asking questions forgetting to respect your privacy.
Then, behold, as they say in old books: I realized this is also a part of my life. Part of my searching of the messiah that is none other but us.
Yes, life is meant to be complicated because only then you understand the importance of your people, uniqueness of the person G-d has given you, and last but not least - yourself - all grown up and still growing, groaning and moaning like an old lioness seeking justice and peace.

Capricorn - THE SIGN

To Alla, the true Capricorn from Hannover

Careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.

"Into the wild"

Are you a Capricorn?

You cannot just be a Capricorn, you needed to earn to be one somehow. Cannot really tell why do some people deserve to be Capricorns but in fact they do.
I do.
So do you.

Life is what you make it, I have always believed especially then, when I left my sunny home for this cold country and the Berlin Midrasha which changed my life.
Still, looking back and remembering people, things, places that I've seen, been or had, made me realize that everything would be different if I was not a Capricorn. Thank G-d, I am.

Any book you read about zodiac signs you see that the Capricorn is an Earthly sign with strong character traits: ambitious, organized, motivated, stubborn and humorous. What else can you ask for in this world?..
No book or paper will provide you with the true Capricorn features though.

Should I try to?

Well:

All we really strive for is LOVE.
All we really care about is LOVE.
All we really give is LOVE.
All right, some might chuckle about our "lovability" which can get very weird sometimes, because all we do is to put our heart and mind in it and might get obsessed with ideas and ideals, note it.
All or nothing.

There is a little funny fact I cannot get away with. Girl Capricorns always marry THE ones. It might seem little funny but all these four women I mention below were born under the Capricorn sign and please don't tell it is just a coincidence. There are no such thing in my mind. There is something supernatural about Capricorns:
Princess Kate
Michelle Obama
Mrs Saakashvili
Madame Sarkozy
Although your husband is neither prince nor president now, remember, it is just about time. Just about time, have patience ;)

Honestly speaking, it is always up to women what way to choose and which shoes to wear (in this case not literally); and the girl Capricorn is much matured and witty than the boy as it always happens between sexes.

• Even if a girl Capricorn looks weak and needs a shoulder to cry on, at the end of the day it is her who showers her friends and family with love and comfort, never losing strength and being energetic when exhausted.
• Girl Capricorn is confident, extremely sensitive and there is little scary thing about her: she can also get icy cold and not let anyone get close. She can shut down herself, eat oneself inside out but never show it to others.
• Capricorns are very goal-oriented indeed, but most of them do not really care about career. Admit it. Capricorns would love to break free and never let system get them down. They would love to live peaceful life - write, paint, travel and give as much love as it is possible.
• What is most adorable about Capricorn is that it never loses hope and keeps positivity shining through; Capricorns never give up and if they ever do, it is just because they have found something better to go after.

Capricorns will always be.
Capricorns will always rule (at least their husbands will).

Happy Birthday dear Capricorns of the world, enjoy life! Don't be afraid to rise and fall. Love and be loved. Let the sunshine in!!!

Post-Soviet Me

'You know, it's all just humor. Don't take life so seriously. Don't take fashion too seriously. Don't take the movie industry too seriously. Don't take love and your relationship so goddamned heavy all the time. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Life is high school and it's small and everybody talks about everybody, so just laugh your ass off.'

Drew Barrymore

It's not always so easy to do so we all know it. I wish I could be as lighthearted as Drew states herself in this sentence.

If I were born in sunny California I might also feel that way. Sure it is easy not to take life seriously when you haven't spent your childhood in the destroyed Soviet Union in 90's, or you've never experienced learning English by the light of the gas lamp. No jokes here. When I was at school it was absolutely normal for the electricity to go on and off, and doing home work near the terribly smelly gas lamp was just a regular evening thing.

Why do I recall all of this?
I don't know.
It has been my life and no matter how fast I run I can never get away from it so all I have to do is to write it down and let you know.
I often have dreams about the past; the past that was so surreal you would not believe and sometimes I don't want to believe either. Dreams about people that are there no more, dreams about the places that have faded away and the feelings that came out false and dreams about this little piece of flesh beating in one's chest and making the blood boil...
But dreams always end by the morning and another surreality starts which is known as real life and which is more illogical than the dreams one had last night.
I guess the Soviet Union was a dream too. Unbearable dream for some people. Utopia. And Utopia is nothing but surreal, isn't it?
So you can never blame this little (relatively) me of being irrational or too rational because I am a product of the gas lamp generation; the product of the lame American movies and the wall that has never been there even though the whole world claimed it was.
All my friends are the products too. Not only friends but all the people that lived around that time and by the end of the 90's did not know whether laugh or cry after becoming the citizens of so called democratic republics (for this I recommend you amazing German movie "Good bye, Lenin").
Democracy, my feet. As some people would say politely.
There is no such thing.
There's only dream, dreamers and G-d laughing at the latter.

Sometimes I do feel that life is not worth of eating oneself. Then I am carefree and laughing out loud realizing the vanity of being. I am not the first one to notice that becoming psychotic about things do not make them work actually, you only win when you are calm and self confident.
And again, does winning always means getting what you really want or need?
No it doesn't.

Therefore:

What you need you already have and what you want is just a matter of time, that's what would I suggest and keep smiling not minding my dark post-soviet childhood.

P.S. I've been 27 since last Friday :) that makes a girl think, no?

Persona

Mamas and little girls

I am so into Victoria Beckham and her baby girl lately. We know Mrs Beckham got the style, got the flow and got it all. But what's most adorable in her is her baby daughter Harper who is so cute you can't help to love her. Well, also mind the designer clothes she's always dressed in like that of Chloe or "loving" Prada as her fashion obsessed mum has revealed.

Some may say Victoria's overdoing with her daughter but what I would say is that she is very good wife, mother of four and always wearing clothes like no-one else could've worn that way. I think everyone would love to be so successful in everything she does and above all, having lovely family that rocks it all.

The Pendulum by the Ettes

The Ettes is the band from the United States. Jam (the guy) was born in New Jersey and moved to Florida when he still was a kid. Then comes Coco, Florida born enthusiastic frontwoman and a guitar player of the band; and there's shaggy haired beautiful Poni from New York.
They are all about 70's to meet early indie of our times.

This band is not phenomenal at all. They make music that any other band could play. It's one of those guys that got really lucky to sign a record label and make an album that Drew Barrymore found and used one of their songs in her directorial debut "Whip it".

I got to know this ban via Drew too. They have got couple of good songs and Poni can hit the drums as she can't hit people, she says. As for Coco - she has a curvy figure like Drew's roller skater and a voice that Nancy Sinatra would die for.

So, nothing really special. They just got the style, got in the right place on a right time as they say and made me listen to them for a while.

Variety of choice

I intended to blog two weeks ago and tell you about the things I am into right now.
I started to go to the Volkshochschule which would be Folk High School in German. Yes, after almost two years living here I decided it is time to learn German properly.

The Leipzig Volkshochschule is really one of the good schools in Germany. First of all the building is beautiful and old; but what's more important our wedding dinner and dances took place in the concert hall of this very school last June. So it is quite emotional going there everyday, ascending the stairs and seeing familiar halls - always expecting some dear face to appear and smile at you.

There are 15 students in my group. Variety of world culture: A couple from South Korea (newly married, very cute ones), a very funny boy and a girl from Japan; yes, that was the guy whom I've surprised with my age, then there is a heavy metal lover from Finland with fair hair and cold face, one more couple from Poland with typical polish names: Marek and Eva, one guy from Kazakhstan, an Indian guy with smily face who has difficulty to pronounce the diftong: SH, a very intelligent girl from Iran and the last ones but not least two other girls. Well these two girls made a funny entrance for one of them is from Romania and her name is Aurelia while other one comes from Brasil, is Afro-American and named Lyudmila. Don't you find it funny too? You would expect Lyudmila to be this blonde girl in mini-skirt speaking with Russian accent and all you get is a Brasilian lass with loud voice and big body.
Oh, and there's me - exotic Georgian one with covered hair, joking and asking questions all the time.

Mentioning my covered hair was not by accident.

Everyday at 10 we have a half hour break in the school. That's when some of us have lunch, go to the toilet, or stay in the classroom and stare at the walls or getting to know with people and have some conversation. I would not say that I am always extremely friendly but I love talking to people, finding out about their nationality, their religion, their opinion about various subjects, and definitely telling them about Georgia and its religious tolerance I have always been proud of.

Well, one morning, me and my Iranian classmate were sitting in the "lunch-room", she was having her cake and I was eating my huge yellow Golden apple, later Romanian girl also joined us. I asked Iranian girl with beautiful name (Parvane which means butterfly in Persian and so in Georgian) about the economics in Iran, about her opinion of the fundamental Islam and the unemployment (also one of my favourite subjects). She told me that despite of the huge resources of Petroleum country is in a very bad situation, unemployment reaches high numbers. There are many educated people with PhD degree and still not able to find a job. She and her husband also belong to those ones who have university degree but had to leave the country because it is hard to make ends meet. Then she spoke about old times with sadness in her voice saying how the Islamic revolution forced the king to leave and made all the women cover themselves. Women hate to wear those terrible clothes, Parvane said, and everyone who leaves Iran throws them away immediately.
So, you don't do it for G-d, do you? - I was astonished.

Yes, it was surprising for me even though I could guess that Islam never really favoured women. Although it must be noted that in spite of the fundamentalism the female education is on a high level in Iran, there are many intelligent and open-minded women able to receive proper university education and work, I can attest to that having met my "schule-mate" Parvane and knowing her language learning skills.

Only thing that kind of scared me is what she said about Iranian women hating covering themselves. I've always believed that one should only observe religion when one believes in it and does things not for someone but for G-d and one's own spiritual growth.
Did not you also think that all the Muslims (whether they blow up things or not) are acting in the name of their god?
Well, it seems that they don't.
They are doing so because of the lack of choice.

I am observing Jewish woman, covering my hair and wearing modest clothes. As I come from Georgia wearing modest clothes was never a challenge, but covering hair after I got married was one of the most difficult things in my life.
First argument with myself I had after a month of being married when covering hair was not fun anymore and wedding excitement was fading gradually. I had missed seeing the sun through my hair, I had missed the feeling of freedom when wind blows your hair to your face... I had started to get nervous when I was going out and could not match any scarf or hat to my dress. And that's when I asked myself:
"Sophie, in the first place you were and are happy that only your husband can see your hair, what's happened now? You want to show off?"

After this question "Sophie realized" that the reason was not desire to show off her hair to other people but the modern western society trying to free women while they are putting more pressure than the Islamic Republic of Iran mentioned above. While they are "freeing" women and taking all the clothes off they tend to forget how they humiliate woman today. Look at any billboard, check out any advertisement, browse any site you wish and all you would see is a pretty woman suggesting brand new cars, shampoos, clothes (while she has hardly anything on) and various products or services. Women have become lowest subjects of desire and after this how could some of us still believe in media assuring us that being modest and observe moral codes are out of date and fruits of scary fundamentalism?

I do not wish others to see my hair although I still miss it loose on my shoulders and being catcher in the rye (bookish way to say).
I am truly happy the way I live because difference between me and Iranian women (and the advertising ones) is the freedom of choice.
I am free.
I chose to observe Torah and its laws. I chose to keep the commandments for nobody else but G-d. So I chose many things and no matter what western society thinks of Orthodox Jews or religions in general, we truly know when/if we are free and mind is open instead of other parts of the body.