Like an Apple

Tea for one

I still haven't learned to keep calm when people do not behave well. I don't show it, I just leave the room and walk to and fro until my anger passes away. Today I felt that I was so small like an apple. It is always a problem. Feeling small and helpless. Miriam Masha (The teacher) spoke about 'emmuna and bitachon' (faith and trust) today, and it sounded so familiar to me, but sometimes I forget it. I lose bitachon. When I lose it I lose myself as well. I become like some strange person walking in my body and the soul as a trapped animal. Imagine how is it to feel like you are an apple: green, fresh, juicy, but small.

Maybe I should visit a psychoanalyst at last and not to rely only on my own analysis. That's how it all starts - being an apple and then becoming Napoleon the Bonaparte ;) Ok, now I am joking.

I miss my home.
I miss things like coming back home from the University and buying bread.
I miss sitting in my kitchen in the morning, listening to the radio and writing.
It is not a regular missing. No. It is something different. Really.

What's Going On?

What else can I say? Here is the song, here are the lyrics and here is my life. My 25 years of waking, sleeping and asking myself: What's goin' on???

25 years and my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this
Brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry somethimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
And I'm, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on
And I say hey....
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey....
I said hey what's goin' on
Oooh....
Oooh....
And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution
And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
And I'm, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin'on
And I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
I said hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
I said hey what's goin' on
Oooh....
25 years and my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

Come closer, don't be shy

Ok, I have always been fond of Scarlett Johansson, not of her singing though. Especially when she covered Tom Waits. But more I listen more I like it. She sings from the depth of her lungs, doesn't she? And it must be very hard. It is always hard to cover someone great while you're a petite blonde girl with big boobs. I can't actually tell what it's like for I am none - neither petite blonde nor with big boobs, I'm just guessing.

Hands and whiskey

I think I'm going crazy. I need to step back and slap myself, you know what I mean? I should stop thinking.

I'm still sick. I've been sick forever I guess. Cold. Sore throat. Sore nose. Sor-e-ority.

Oh, I have a new character for my novel - a tall guy with long hands walking down my street and rocking his hands to and fro. Seriously. I wish I could jump out the window and have whiskey with him in the leftist bar around the corner. I am not quite sure (and never will be probably) whether he is red or not, but I like his hands. I love hands.

I told you I am going crazy.

I want my BACK back

Sometimes it's crazy what you may see from your window. I haven't even looked out today, I just mean it in a metaphoric way. Window is like a heart or soul, I look into it and try to catch it, but can't. This window is so slippery. Have you seen this Marquez-book-like dreams? I have - swimming in the violet sea and seeing dead people in it. I mean not dead literally, they were swimming and all just not knowing they're dead. So I closed my window and went to sleep.

Oh, how am I really doing? Had a terrible back ache yesterday. I had it coming. I was standing whole day on Yom Kippur and was even proud of myself for being so strong. Remember, never overestimate your powers! That's what I've been doing for life and it always ends with back ache and stressful mood. Plus I've got one of my contact lenses ripped and have to buy new one. This is depressing, I thought it would last for 3 months. But who cares about lenses, I wish my back ache passes soon.

Been listening to Lily Allen today. Time to go out for a walk and exercise my poor back a bit.

Tight me up! :P

Tactless people are killin' me. Really. Somebody told me the other day that I am being tight about some things. I did not know what to answer. Usually I try to laugh when I'm embarrassed, but this time I could not laugh either. It was not only about me, but about Georgia where I come from. Even now when I'm calmer just can't think of a proper answer to that not-very-nice comment.

It's Yom Kippur very soon. I forgive that one for hurting my feelings and calling me "tight". And I hope and ask Hashem never ever put me in a situation like that when I have no words to reply because if I would I could've crashed all. Not very good solution for G-d fearing person. I also hope I am not tactless and if I ever was, I am so sorry and FORGIVE ME, please!

Anyway.

When I get older I will be stronger ;) :D I can't stop listening to this:

שנה טובה ומתוקה

Yes, it's been a year.
Quite a long and important year. Remember my Rosh Hashanah last year? It was one of the best days of my life and I'll never forget it.

This year is very different. I am different too. It's been total 6 months I study at the midrasha. It was September 24th when I arrived in Berlin for the first time and that's when all the changes began. It was difficult in the beginning, I needed quite a time to adjust and get used to Germany. And here I am now after a year, waiting for Rosh Hashanah and thinking about my past year, future plans and the life choice. My mother used to tell me that one should grab a chance and make the right choice before it fades away. I guess I was always a good daughter listening to my mother... even though she wanted me to become a career woman, I still grabbed a chance and made this choice of becoming religious Jew and keeping all the commandments with joy and happiness.

I very much hope to improve my character this year, to work on my negative features; be more patient, and less emotional than I am now. I also hope to be forgiven by all the people who I have accidentally hurt. You know I love you all, I love the whole wide world for it is the place that Almighty G-d created for us and now it is absolutely up to us how to take care of it and each others.

Do you also think that I grew old? Lots of people who I had not seen for a long time and meet me now keep telling me that I have changed a lot, and there's something womanish in me :) funny, isn't it? I think it was time for me finally to become womanish. Sunny girl should be left in the past and I should move on and on.

May you all have sweet and meaningful New Year!!! My special love and best of brachot to family Rosenblatt in Tbilisi - last Rosh Hashanah will remain in my heart forever. THANK YOU!

שנה טובה ומתוקה