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My teenage friend Rebekka just shared Alina Orlova's videos. She is so cute. I mean Rebekka, and Alina too. They are both from Lithuania :) have curly hair, beautiful eyes and free spirit. I don't know there is something about Baltic people. They have this unexplainable melancholy mixed with cold beauty that makes you fall for them. And actually they both, Rebekka and Alina, have this funny accent in Russian. I never thought I would say this because my accent is not less funny, especially the way I pronounce some specific letters.

It's also funny I have never mentioned before on my blogs that my grandmother from father's side was Estonian. I have never met her for she died while giving birth to my father. Yep. My father has been in trouble since he was born. Trouble man. It must be terrible if you realize that your mother died having you, no?
Although I have always imagined her, the grandmother I've never met, as tall, skinny woman with big green eyes, blonde or reddish hair, wearing vintage dress and walking on the sun... her face glowing and eyes dreaming about seeing me - her granddaughter she never really saw. It's funny, I suppose I've been imagining her as the young and lovely woman, why would she dream about me anyway? I think every girl has thought about her grandchildren even once in a lifetime. We all would like to imagine having grandchildren one day who will look like us a little, who will remember us, who will dream of us and say sweet things about us. I cannot say if I look like my grandmother, even though I used to have strawberry blonde hair as a child.

Life is just as that song of Alina's - "emigrants". So realistic. Sometimes I feel like I am this eternal wanderer - dwelling here and there, looking for a place and space to find serenity.

If only

"If I survive this Winter,
If only the wind lets me live" - this is my translation of the famous Georgian poet's lines. I think it is absolutely about me. German winter is too long for my sunny soul. You know I am so fond of walking, but how can I walk in this cold? Having sore nose and coughing forever I guess. I dream about the Spring - warm rays of the sun, green leaves on the trees, putting away the winter coat, boots and run to embrace the new season.
Merde! I am such a drama queen who is rather good comedian if you know what I mean.
No Spring two more months at least, Soph.

Drop the Winter.
Today when rebbetzin Ziskind from England gave a shiur I realized that people are so stupid. So am I sometimes. We have absolutely wrong attitudes - we label things, we label people, we label everything we can. It is kind of funny that I have mentioned ATTITUDE in my last update too and today's shiur was also about attitude. It is so important you know - how you look at things and how you look at yourself too. Well, I looked at myself today and said: Hey, you, sunny, funny, witty one, just stop and enjoy life! Because life is much more than you think - it is hard and sweet at the same time; you are surrounded by lovely and caring people; you have all you need so far. You just love troubling yourself, worrying and crying your heart out. Relax!
Yes, sometimes I can be really nutty and it even helps.

So - I will definitely survive this Winter. I am going to have good attitude about everything.

שבוע טוב!!!

World in a different shape

I posted few hours ago and now I feel so calm, it is unbelievable. My mood is totally depended on the moon you know, now it's Rosh Chodesh have that in mind.

Went to the Smiths today, my chessed family, sweetest and nicest people ever. Rabbi Smith is a rosh yeshiva - the smartest man I've ever seen, calm and nice as well. And rebbetzin is as dear as it could be. Gosh. Will I ever achieve that level of bitachon and serenity? I told her I feel very nervous about various things, and find so difficult to relax and just believe everything is going to be all right with Hashem's help even though I am sure it will. I still worry and think about it. She just smiled and said that everything we do is from G-d, even the mistakes are helpful; one grows so much from them, becomes better person (ideally). She really calmed me down. Then her children started to cry and she just handled them with smile and asked with sweet voice to go to sleep. They have three small kids who I absolutely adore and learn so much from them. I mean the way rebbetzin Smith treats her children is amazing - she never raises a voice, lets them have fun and go little wild. I love that. I love when parents let their children to enjoy their childhood. She actually told me that she believes - when they grow up they should remember how nice their childhood was and how free they have been.

I also believe in that you should bring up your children very relaxed, let them be free and wild. I mean, life is going to be hard enough once they are old so why set limits? I hope and pray to be able to have children like that - healthy and happy. I will let them go crazy, get soaked wet, eat cakes with hands and laugh a lot. Seriously, when I hold baby Yedidia Smith in my arms I realize that I am going to be most cool and funny mother ever.

Yes, everyone needs family and children to feel complete. And an ATTITUDE. Attitude and ability to love and be loved you know. Had a conversation with Michal Garrett recently, she is this young American woman I am friends with, plus she teaches at the midrasha, and we came to conclusion that love is necessary. Nothing can be built up only on rational decisions, you need to feel and care about the person you marry. You need to talk and be free, be open with each other. Man. This is the most important relationship in the world - anything else just gets behind.

Life is amazing after all, isn't it? You just go out, meet people, talk to them and see the world in a different shape.

Made of

Sometimes I feel like this angry teenager who is ready to crash it all, to rebel against everything, to screw all the rules and run away... then this very old and matured lady comes within me and calms me down because anger won't lead me anywhere. Who should I be angry at anyway? At life? At my parents? At me? Or at G-d? It is all so relative.
I mean they are all related to each other - life, parents, me and G-d. That is all I am made of, ain't I? And I am not talking about specific anger or anything, no it is just things that I wish I could do but I cannot. I feel like a stranger in my own body walking and talking. Perhaps it is the mission I have come to this world for - to be against the system, looking for truth and thinking my brains out.

I am afraid of life. I think I don't understand it at all.

Monday chicken

Who said that French is the language of love? It is Greek - language of έρωτα. Language to tell sweet things to your dear people. No other language expresses love more than this one. Who would tell you that: You are "αναπνοή μου" (my breath) or "ψυχή μου" (my soul)?

I found this blog the other day and fell in love immediately. I love the way she writes (I believe it is she) and shares her thoughts to the world. You may have no idea how inspiring it is to know that there is someone little bit like you, who likes the Gotan Project, poetry and has been collecting emotions since she was a kid: "...από παιδάκι μαζεύω, μαζεύω,".

One and only Romy Schneider

How is my "sunny funny witty" life?

• I had a dream last night that I was Romy Schneider trying to catch the train. My dreams are so semi-fictional.
• Before I went to sleep Lea called me from Israel, my old sweet Georgian friend. So nice when you receive calls like that. And after talking to her I could not sleep for hours. I hope she will be fine and all her dreams come true.
• The midrasha has started today officially - still lots of girls haven't come back yet.
• Weather is ok which means not very cold for Berlin.
• I hurt my foot, don't know how though - one good reason to feel emotional and cry my heart out. Moonlight is over me I guess.
• Had chicken for dinner, most tasteless chicken I have ever eaten. I think she used to be the vegan chicken really, did not taste like meat at all. I mean very sensitive chicken.

I guess I hate Mondays. They make me feel so sad. New working week has started and all I want to do is to smell the sea, see the sun and drink the juice of mango. Or hide under the blanket and sleep like a baby bear until it is Summer and the light warms me up.

Blood and bones

I got this book "Beaufort" from my Israeli friend who has served in the army for two years. She is from Georgia like myself, has made aliyah with her family when she was 13. She is true Israeli by now who knows her land by heart and is proud that had served for her country.
Although "Beaufort" is not about the suntanned girls serving in the IDF. This book is about the war without specific enemy: terrorism. What is this terrorism anyway and what are they shedding their blood for?
Well, I am not going to spoil and tell you the plot of the book. There is also a movie based on this novel.
I just want to share my emotions.

I have always thought that soldiers are just some wasted flesh used by government to protect its own arse. I still think so, but when I remember those soldiers truly madly believing in what they do and how they adore their land, then I understand it is not about the government crap, it is about your blood and bones - which is the land of Israel. I am not that Zionist madgirl, but when it comes to those brave men I cannot stop admiring them. Especially the main character of this book is so tough, emotional and gentle when it comes to his sister or girlfriend. Sure, I know that is just fiction, but very beautiful fiction indeed.
Or maybe I am Zionist [at least I like guys wearing crochet-kippah and jeans :)) ]. Oh my goodness. Women are so contradictious, aren't we?

I wish I could share this book with someone and now I am thinking who can borrow it from me. Rebekka - definitely, but this book is not quite kosher for 15 years old girl if you know what I mean, there are lots of lovemaking stuff in it, plus dirty language all the time. I am sure she would get it but I don't want to put some crazy ideas into her head.

Every book has its smell, have you noticed? This book smells like the sand mixed with love of your land, and people who breathe for it. I keep smelling it.

Blue-eyed Uncle

Last night was THE night. I went to sleep at 7 pm. Then woke up at 12 I guess when year 2011 was about to enter the world. Heard those crazy fireworks but did not even bother to get up and look out the window.

After that tried to sleep but could not for hours. I suddenly recalled all my extraordinary uncles and aunts. I have an amazing uncle really. The youngest brother of my mother. He is not quite young, he's 50 but very cool. One friend reminded me about Ping Pong game and that is why I remembered him probably. I used to play ping pong with him, and I actually always won, then he would smile with his blue eyes and say: Soph, I'll be lucky in love though. I am telling you he's funny. What love? He has grown up sons and beautiful wife. Anyway he is always eager for love I guess. I mean he does everything with his heart and soul. Sometimes I think that my crazy sense of humour is all from him. Plus he looks like my mother very much - with his big blue eyes and lovely smile, and humour just like me: you never know when he jokes and when he really means it.

I guess I felt little loneliness last night that is why I tried to escape in my adolescence and thought about my family. I have been very independent since I was little kid with reddish hair, everyone would ask my opinion and then I just grew out from all of them. I decided to live different life of a religious Jew. And left them behind. Now when I imagine that I cannot eat my uncle's fried potatoes or I need to check how he makes yogurt, it hurts me a bit.

Then I realize that it is just childhood I miss, you know, when I was this wild girl running and laughing her guts out hoping she would become someone really great. It is crazy to put such ideas into little girl's head that she should be someone great when she grows up no matter what. And what if this girl does not want to be someone great at all but just be a sweet wife and mother. Is it too old fashioned? I know people who think so.

You know what my uncle told me once? That I will be great in anything I do even if I just smile and make someone's day. He himself is crazy, funny and sometimes blue too, but he always knows how to cheer me up and make me feel good about myself. I think this is the point when you understand that someone really loves you - makes you feel good about yourself and inspires you to become even better.