Designed not for me

Few are my years, yet I feel the world was ne'er design'd for me...

George Byron

Have you ever thought about it that better person you are, life is way difficult for you? You try to live right? You meet so many obstacles you just run out of breath. You are a sunny person by nature and love to cheer up others, others will do their best to bring you down. You want peace and they force you to join the war.

No, I am not mad.
I AM VERY MAD.

No matter how old I grow, I still cannot stand the injustice of the world. Sometimes I wish so much I could talk a serious talk to G-d, but then realize He is not a man, if you know what I mean. You can't really talk to a wind, or a rain, you can't talk and ask explanations from someone who has created everything around, can you? Because you are mere nothing and nobody really asks (or has ever asked) your opinion about designing this world.

I am as positive as it gets, but I also get frustrated because life kicks my ass for good, you bet. There are so many things I wish I could have but my socialistic spirit wouldn't let me. Then I know it's all stupid and vain, I should be more flexible and all, but I can't.
I can't have luxurious things when I know there are children starving, and families begging for help; when there is war and people die. You never know (and never cared probably) the dreams of those people who get killed in war, do you? You never know what made them laugh or sad. You never know what they thought they would do next day which never came.

This post is complicated as most of my writings. I think I should just rename this blog and call it a girl with the post-soviet trauma. I shall do that right away.

I lose friends and hair anyway, what I really have is G-d because one is never sure if He's really there or not which means you can't lose someone/something that has never truly belonged to you. It is like you will never lose the world because it was and is, will be without you, so is the G-d. Or I'd rather say, it's universe like G-d - my eternal pain.

Shabbat girls

We had really full house Shabbat this week. On Friday evening we had the mother and brother of my husband. We had chicken breasts with simple sauce and fried potatoes. For dessert I have baked Apple sauce whole wheat cake which is very delicious and easy to make, plus it rhymes, right? Funny thing is that cake is very healthy but I made the very unhealthy topping from kosher parve whipping cream that I mixed with strawberry jam and couple of spoonful sugar. We had nice chat and all, as usual my brother-in-law was grumpy about everything. He's like this eternal teenager disliking everything, complaining and then mocking. He's a great guy and good uncle, cares about Ezra, helps us with him whenever he can and gives presents to him, but such impossible one he is.

As for Friday night, it's always beautiful, candles lit on the table, flowers that my husband buys for me every erev Shabbat, hot food smell and the mood of something high coming to us for a day. They don't call Shabbat the Queen for nothing - it's really like that. No matter how tired we are Shabbat always lights and cheers our spirits; even my mum tells me she misses Shabbats at our home.

Old Midrasha days - Old Midrasha Me

Saturday morning gets little moody though, especially when you have little baby who doesn't let you sleep long. My husband leaves before 9 for synagogue, and then I pray Ezra would sleep little more and let me get some rest too. Today he napped for an hour, but it wasn't enough for me anyway. I was too tired for last week was exhausting and one Shabbat couldn't absorb it all. Plus Ezra's been coughing and sneezing for almost 5 days and you know it's so hard for mum. My heart breaks when he coughs or has blocked nose. It should pass soon, please Hashem.
Now back to Saturday morning again. After my husband comes from synagogue we make kiddush on wine and challas like we do every Friday night (blessings are difference naturally), and have delicious dinner. There were times we also used to nap but now it goes with Ezra's schedule.
This Shabbat was one of those, when my mother-in-law put Ezra to sleep and I couldn't slip away that chance, you know, so said quick "Shabbat Shalom" to everyone and jumped in bed to sleep a little.
Because I was expecting a guest from Berlin, namely, one girl from the midrasha (seminary where I've studied and lived for 2 years) and a boy who works at the youth centre where the Shabbat guests are usually hosted, plus he lives a block away from us and would've been a guide to our guest.
At 15:15 Ezra woke up and so did I, then I started to change him and my husband called me that our guests had already come and waited downstairs.
Well, there were more than 2 guests though. One more girl from the midrasha and other young pregnant woman of our community. I got really excited for I love receiving guests and treating them with sweets (I've mentioned we had delicious whole wheat cake, right?). It's always refreshing having young people around, isn't it. Especially knowing where they come from and watching them talk, walk and do things I used to do. It also made me realise how different I've become and how my points of view have changed since then. I mean, I've always been a rebel and no seminary could've possibly brainwashed me, but I realise now that there were times when I actually let some people or situations to influence me. It is not that bad, it helps a lot to step up and get over, go through and find your very own way, if you know what I mean.
I am sure those girls will find too. They are lovely and very positive girls. Definitely completed our Shabbat and Ezra loved one of those girls too who played with him and held him. He is everything but shy, especially when it comes to girls ;-)

One more Shabbat is over and new week has started. May all of us have nice, sunny, calm, lucky and joyful week! AMEN!!!

Doctors and power

Do you dislike doctors like I do?

Only doctor I like in Germany, is the pediatrician of Ezra, who is really nice and positive lady.
Thank G-d, I haven't visited many doctors here, but my husband and his family have. Then, in my pregnancy I had a gynecologist, Frau Dr. Schindler (remembering the history, her name sounds so humane, no?), who seemed quite fine, but she didn't really care that much about my health, I think. Either she was very relaxed naturalist or just not giving a damn about this weird religious Jewish patient covering her hair and all. Well, because of her attitude, that she hasn't checked the amniotic fluid which was actually infected, I gave birth to Ezra 3 weeks earlier, on my 37th week. Again, thanks to Hashem, Ezra was born healthy and happy baby, 10/10 apgar test, but he was born very tiny which almost caused me depression: you know, every mother would have felt that way, eating herself up, why should her baby have been born so early and so small, wouldn't she?

So I left that Frau Dr. Schindler and went to other doctor for the 6 weeks postpartum check up. This lady also seemed ok, serious and very friendly. Then she asked us which contraception we'd like to choose; she suggested 3 months injection, IUD (copper spiral) and mini-pills since I was nursing. We decided to take mini-pills, Cerazette, you might have heard.
It was one of the terrible experiences I ever had.
First, postpartum period is very hard for every woman and it was even worse for me. I couldn't forget the fact of giving birth before the due date and had nightmares, nursing awfully hurt, Ezra had colicky and wouldn't sleep, needed to be nursed and soothed almost every hour; in addition with all that, I started to bleed really badly after taking those pills.
I don't quite blame the doctor, she couldn't have known the side effects of the mini-pills, because every body responds differently, but suggesting 3 months injection was very cunning, you know, because you buy pills in the pharmacy store, but 3 months injection you need to get from her - which means, she gets paid for it.
Then I had to have injection to stop bleeding. So I quit taking mini-pills and started to require new contraceptive, which took quite a time and energy from us.
[After making a little research, I've discovered that hundreds of women had same experience with Cerazette, but doctors still keep prescribing it giving credit to this scary drug company. The company probably, in return, gives credits and loads of advantages to doctors.]

I should note that in the beginning of my pregnancy, I had private insurance which made Frau Dr. Schindler happy, but by the end of 35th week, I switched to the government insurance that doctors really hate. I think this might have been the reason of her not bothering herself to check the amniotic fluid. I could say the same about other Frau Dr. L. who is less "naturalist", but moneylover all right.
I might be sarcastic right now, but if you imagine how terrible results could be when doctor makes mistakes, you wouldn't laugh. It is scary to know that some people love money more than their profession, or worse, they have chosen this profession only because they would get more money than others.

Now I am afraid to visit gynecologists again. I try to have trust in them, and as my teacher used to say, I should remember and pray that G-d would be with the doctor when visiting for check-up. I don't doubt that if I ask, G-d will be there for me as He always has been, but I am a human too, you know, simple mortal, who is afraid of many things and probably hasn't developed that strong bitachon (meaning: unconditional trust to G-d) yet to really know - doctors don't have any power at all, but He does.

Say that again, Soph!!!