I know what I did last summer

I do not care who you are as long as I know who I am.
Throwing bull$%&(

I still:

• drink hot milk in the morning
• love Holden Caulfield
• believe that I am beautiful
• wish I could fly
• know what I did last summer :)
• have fun with my life

What do you still do???

PAY FOR ALL!

Yesterday I had those terrible thoughts - that once (or even twice) in a lifetime come to one's mind and eat it. About life, what have I achieved, where am I, what have I got??? What am I anyway???

Sometimes it bugs me so much.
I am 25, gosh.
And I am full of energy, full of positivity and all. But I still feel that I am stuck. I am not going to write some emo s$%^& here, but once you're a big girl - you have to be somewhere, you know. Most of girls of my age have either families and children or successful career.

I have none, can't hide it.
All I am is - socialist journalist and blogger who believed that would be a great TV presenter one day... who believed she would be a hot shot one day.

That One Day has not come yet.
I know I have plenty of time ahead, but I want it now - while I am young and f-ing restless.

You know what's my problem? I consider myself as a hot shot actually. I've always believed that I should've received anything for free and now I face the reality - gotta pay for all, Soph. FOR ALL!

P.S. And be careful with the priorities!!!

Winterdreaming

Just dreaming about the snow...
Oh how I wish I wake up in the morning and everything is white around!!!

Life is so empty without it.
It is like when you need love, you feel it, but can't see.
That is how I feel about the snow. I really do.

Letters

I love writing letters.
Love letters :D I'm such Tatiana Larina, gosh. I have written thousands of letters and burned them all... only some of them I have sent to their addressees.
Well, I am good at letters - whether it's romantic or formal e-mails. Maybe I should start a business - The Sophie Golden Letter Company, huh?

I write and then think, oh, why did I do that? It is so embarrassing in the end. But I feel relieved. It gives me strength and strange feeling of freedom. Of spiritual freedom, if you know what I mean.

Because I love people and want to show my affection to them. Man, I'm so full of positivity that am afraid to explode in the air one day :))) Can't even think why am I so positive. I have had such crazy life - not an easy one and still, as long as I can walk and talk, and feel the love of G-d, I'll be SUNNY, I promise.

Nothing particular

Previous post suits to this blog so much. I'm sure that enthusiasm will remain forever till I'm finished with my book.
I've been reading Salinger's stories this Shabbat and realized that I'm so influenced by him. Sometimes I use words he uses in his writings, sometimes I have the same mood with his characters, and above it all - Franny and Zooey are my best friends, if that makes sense to you. Because it does not for me. I mean, when I read Franny - I like her thoughts about egos and 'getting somewhere'; then I read Zooey's philosophy and I'm absolutely into him. Unbelievable, huh?

I'm off to watch 'Prozac nation' on youtube, could not find it anywhere else to download the high quality :(

I had a talk with Lilu about what I really need.
Yeah. Exactly. Party and vodka :P no kidding. And another movie like of that 'Love the hard way'.

A Writer

I've been trying to write a book since I was kid.
When I finished high school, I told my mum I did not want to go to university, but sit home and write a book. She looked at me puzzled then. What kind of book could a 17 years old girl write?
I did take a break after school, but did not write a book.
Yes, I have written some poems, novels, even published them somewhere, but it did not make me a writer.

Three years later I went to university, faculty of social and political sciences. This year majored in Journalism and minored in Psychology. During these 4 years I've been writing lots of things, made a blog and all, but still haven't got a book.

Now I am a big girl, 25 under my belt.
Isn't a time to write that precious book I've always wanted?

But when I look at my blog (especially georgian one), I see that half of my book is written there and all I have to do is to copy and correct a little. So I hope that I'll start writing my very book soon. Can't wait.

And then I could freely say - I am a writer (no-one will be able to give me a puzzled look saying: what kind of job is that?)

Kitten In My Pocket

Liz Taylor "Kitten In My Pocket"

Ok, it's my Birthday today, if you did not know yet :D

And I'm not going to write some philosophical stuff here like I do all the time. About where is "there"? Where is "he"?

I'm a big girl. I make decisions on my own. I live on my own. I chose the way of my life on my own.
Saying this I realize that all I have chosen is not just like that - everything that happened in my life has its particular reason. Yes, to challenge me and improve my personality.
Last year has been "revolutionary" for me, so to say. I've become observant religious, finished university, left for Berlin, studied in midrasha... Many things happened, many people came in my life, showed me different points of view...

And I'm still the same - Sophie SUNNY Golden - who loves black & white hollywood movies, Salinger's books, having fun with friends and in the end of the day - analyzes her life.
25 - is like you've never even thought before you'd go that far :) do you know what I mean? When I was younger I thought girls of that age were so old and they could not have fun any more. So wrong. Never felt better.

It's all in our head, you know - age, looks, silly stereotypes.

I just refuse to all of this and plan to go on with G-d's help.

There. Where?

Sometimes you think you're already there. But don't know where. How can one be sure where exactly is "there"?

Sophie SUNNY Golden's late thoughts

Have downloaded 3 movies to watch & get freaky: "500 days of summer" with Zooey Deschanel & Joseph Gordon-Levitt; "Revolutionary road" with the couple of the 90's Kate Winslet & Leonardo Dicaprio, also couple of russian movies, one I already saw with Pavel Volya "Невеста любой ценой" ('Bride for any price') - total disaster, but Pasha's cool, you know.

It is very sunny weather in Tbilisi, although wind blows like mad. I hate wind.
I wish there was snow...

CHLOE

I love Chloe Sevigny.
She has this unexplainable beauty - face, eyes, nose and attitude. I love her roles in 'If these walls could talk 2', 'Broken glass', 'Boys don't cry' and many more. She's got this androgynous-kinda-attitude, which attracts you, doesn't it?

With Michelle Williams

Left to right: Macauley Culcin, ..., Chloe Sevigny, Natasha Lyonne

Back Home

No matter how things are, there is always reason to be grateful to Hashem, even if only for the privilege of being a Jew and serving Him joyfully.

'Seeker of Slumbering Souls' - stories of the Baal Shem Tov

I'm back to Tbilisi. HEY YA!
Have arrived on Wednesday morning.
It feels so strange, you know. I do not remember what I was doing before I left for Berlin. What kind of person I was. As for now - I can tell I've become much patient and sunnier person, chasidish lass, as I call myself.

By the way I read The Baal Shem Tov stories this Shabbat. He must have been so sweet and lovely man. I wish I knew him. I love rabbis like that, you can talk to and feel open, like rabbi Meir Roberg too.

So, I thank G-d for everything I have got - for those amazing months in Berlin Midrasha, for the people I've met, for all that I've learned there. For my mum and amazing cousins here in Tbilisi.
I am happy!

P.S. Ella wrote to me on Facebook that it was snowing in Berlin this Shabbat and she remembered me :) Oh, how I wish I was there, I'd dance so much with joy and happiness, how great our Hashem is - snow is a wonder for me, as anything else (I pray to Hashem for the snow in Tbilisi... do pray for me girls please!)

MISSING MIDRASHA

Shabbat Shalom to the midrasha girls!!!
LOVE & HUGS!!!

Love Is Never Enough

With dearest Chana Rivka

With lovely rebetzin Leah Portnoy & her baby Emuna Brocha

Midrasha gals

I'm leaving for Tbilisi tomorrow.
I can not believe it. CAN YOU?
It feels like I've been here forever. Midrasha has become my life and these girls - important parts of it. I am excited to go home, but hope to come back very soon, bezrat Hashem.

How can I evaluate those 3 months I've been here?
I do not know.
They have been full of fun, love, joy, sun and TORAH LEARNING.
I've become much better person for sure.

And everything started from an e-mail I wrote to Josh, the boss of the place.
It was definitely the beginning of the changes and he made it happen.

I did not like Berlin at first - people were too cold for me, I could not find a friend to talk to... and now I have lots of girls around I can talk to. I got used to midrasha and living with 18 more girls, who have different characters, and they are all just amazing.

There was this community women chanuka party yesterday in midrasha. Paula, Louise and Keren played violins and keyboard, we had tasty food, children were all around... everyone was happy, smily and sweet. When I look at the pictures I took, I can see how my face shines and sparkles. All I ever wanted was - love love love! I always missed family feeling, and suddenly I feel that I belong here to this community. I was happy. I still am.
Even though I've always been loved, it was never enough if you know what I mean.
And I hope more love is coming on my way!!!

Thank you, dear Hashem!
And thanks to all my teachers at the Lauder Institution, best community ever.

Where I stand - after sunset

I stand still.
I stand on my feet.
I stand alone - mostly with G-d.
I stand and sit.
I stand.
Joni Mitchel did not know.
I do.
I guess, I do.

After sunset:
We were on Rykestrasse with the girls today when it started to snow. I went mad really. I ADORE THE SNOW. Everybody else started complaining - ooh, it's gonna be cold, wet... then I understood - I stand somewhere else. It's not the edge of the rye... it's my world, not necessarily sunny, it's just my world, you know. I went into the kitchen and danced with joy alone. May be I should think of becoming hassidish :D
In the evening the make-up lady came to midrasha again and gave free face treat and some girlie class about how to put shadows on your eyes. After my haircut I don't trust her, G-d forgive me, she just could not see my personality. Hello! Why should I hide my face, even though I have square face, eh? So she said. I love my hair - curly and wild.
She made up some girls... well, I preferred them before makeover...
You know who's my new favorite person in our community? Leah Portnoy - she's just so sweet, and smily and dear; been here for 3 months and no-one really greeted me with such sunny face before. I am so happy I met her.
It's -2:32 am. Gotta go to sleep for I have shiurs in the morning...

P.S. I saw a guy looking like Adam Levine of The Maroon 5 :D But he was so shallow and empty, if you know what I mean. He stood not there where I was standing.

Stand tall, Soph!

נס גדול היה שם

נס גדול היה שם

I don't know what's a miracle for you.

It is the sunshine in the morning, it is the girls of midrasha :)
I am the miracle :)
I don't like typical miracles, because for me life is miracle itself.

You know what I learned today from this amazing girl Ella?
One should accept any result it gets because it is from Hashem, whether it's good or bad.
Only then we'll be able to be happy, really happy.
What makes us miserable is the feeling of weakness, solitude - when we fail and think that G-d has forsaken us... that's when melancholy comes and win over us... at least it comes to me quite often.
I'm starting to work on it right away!!!
My new friend Ella is the miracle for me, and I thank G-d for the people I get a chance to meet and become better person myself.

P.S. I did actually :) I spoke to rav Roberg. So my yetzer ara is happy as ever ;)

CHANUKA SAMEACH EVERYONE!!!

BE HAPPY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE GOT! I AM SURE YOU HAVE GOT ALL YOU NEED!

Get up & act!

Yesterday I heard Meira and Genia's intellectual conversation-on-stairs about evolution.
I realized that I've never thought about that before.
And I don't care either.

I care about my character and personality. I have to talk to rav Roberg and I did not manage yet. Oh! It's stupid that I need to take time, think and only afterwards make move. I hate this word 'have to', it kills me :( and I know this is my yetzer ara, I'm trying to fight it and hope to win over it.

How can I believe in evolution when all I truly believe in is Hashem. My life's been one big gift and miracle given to me by him. Revolution? I did believe in it some time ago.
Evolution? Not for me.

I need more strength, modesty and 'kick' to get up and act for my good!!!

All about winter nights, Holden C & Drew B

I just can't go to bed withouth posting anything here.
It's been a long day.
Actually day's not long, but night damn is.
I woke up at 08:30 am & felt like have slept for ages. That's why I like winter, night is always long and you can dream on without feeling guilty that you overslept or as it is.

Been searching for some interesting blogs. Found something, but I'm too sleepy to read now.
It's about Holden Caulfield.

DREW BARRYMORE

When I started to blog this very post, I meant to write about Drew Barrymore (but some like change subjects) - how inspiring she has been for me. I admire her courage, her wits and smile - always sunny. She's been through so much - drugs, alcohol, depression, and here she is - fresh, successful and recovered. I would have loved her either ways. Wanted to tell you that quote of hers I read the other day, but I have forgotten. She was talking about being risky and not to be scared of being embarrassed.
Can't say same about risks, but I've never backed off of getting embarrassed. Who cares as long as you feel "rufalicious"! :) Gotta see her movies (e.g. Never been kissed).
So, thank you Drew for being my muse and inspiration for life.
Thanks internet for being the engine of my inspirations.
Thanks everyone who reads it and thinks that I am 'the one' =))
HAVE A SWELL NIGHT (if that's possible)!

Мне ничего не надо...

I wish you could love Sergei Esenin as I do.
One has to read his lyrics and poems in original russian for sure. But if you ever try I'm sure you may find that fair curly boy in other languages too.

"Золото холодное луны,
Запах олеандра и левкоя.
Хорошо бродить среди покоя
Голубой и ласковой страны."

Here you can see the video from the Tv film 'Esenin' - amazing Sergei Bezrukov playing russian poet. I love them both.

"Ordinary" Miracle

Rebbetzin Roberg with the midrasha girls - November '09

Had a great Shabbat..
On the second seuda we went to the Robergs', the sweetest couple ever. When I see rav Roberg, I really wish he was my grandpa. They live in Israel and come to Berlin once a month. When I went in the classroom this Wednesday and saw rav Roberg there, I almost run up and hug him :)) he's like this sweet old grandfather, you know. What about rebbetzin Roberg? She's just unbelieveable person - dear, smart, always smiling and giving us warm hugs. She never forgets any of us. Today, when I looked at the other girls during the lunch, it was amazing how their faces were shining really. Every girl smiled and you could see the happiness in their eyes. I've been in many families on Shabbat, but never seen something like that - each & every girl pleased. It would be such a blessing if I ever become rebetzin like her.

They both have been through Holocaust, but you would never say that. I mean, I've never seen any other Holocaust survivors, but I thought of them more of a depressed and closed people. I was wrong. Rebbetzin Roberg's family escaped the Nazi regime to Holland, but soon they invaded Netherlands too. So after her father was taken to the concentration camp, Dutch students that resisted Nazi invasion helped her mother to save her children, and little Rebetzin Roberg was given to a Catholic family to survive the war. Thanks to G-d, her parents survived the concentration camps and came back to collect their precious children. This part is really heart wrenching, if you imagine how hard it must have been to give your kids away not knowing you would see them again, and then search for them not to be sure of gaining them back. May nobody ever experiences that.
When she told her story, you could see that it was all about miracle. She never tells her story completely for it must be very hard to recall, but she loves Holland and its people, still speaks Dutch and even holds its citizenship to show her gratitude to the only nation that never gave in to the evil regime.
All of us have heard loads of stories about Holocaust, but it's always moving when you hear it from the person who had actually been there.
That is when I cry out again and again: Hashem has always been there and here too.

SHAVUA TOV!!! (I still can't stop being happy :) Why should I?)

Just Listening

I know that people are different and I should not demand from everyone to be as I want them to be - like me :|
But why can't they be nicer? I prefer people who can be polite and smile even they don't feel that way. Why can't they just listen? People can't listen, it's unbelievable.

Today we had an amazing shiur with Olga Afanasev, she's just great. I wish more girls could attend her classes - because she just teaches us to listen others, to be compassionate, to be better person so to say. I'm not sure whether it helps or not, but I can see that the girls who come to this class have become friendlier and confident. So have I.
I've always been a listener, but sometimes it gets hard for me - only listening while others hate listening, or if they do listen, you can feel they do kind of favor to you. That's why I prefer to listen and then write, you know, at least I can be heard this way =))

Well, don't take this post too seriously, I'm just very tired, missed my mum, my home, my room, my bed, my kitchen, my sister Lilu - she's the one who can listen to me (and Dina for sure).

Ella, this sweet new girl in midrasha, said today: 'Hashem elokeinu, Hashem echad - that means He is not only One, but He's Unique - when you are sure of that, nothing can ever bring you down.' She's just wonderful person. Thanks for people like her I keep on sunny-ing!

He is Unique, and He is with me, I shall not fear!