State of mind

Happiness is just a state of your mind,
Keep searching who knows what you may find...

The Spice Girls "Something Kinda Funny"

Have you ever looked at yourself from the other side and asked a question: are you happy, darling? I have.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and haven't recognized the face there? I have.
Have you ever lived somewhere and felt that you were not actually there? I have.
Have you ever loved yourself so much that almost started to hate? I have.
Have you ever danced tango at the Rio De La Plata in Buenos Aires? Me neither.
Have you ever met Salinger? I wish I had.
And this is none of those famous post-partum issues that one might have. I think I have passed all that already. It is all just Leipzig Sunday weather making it blue.

 

Well, thing is that I am a big fat or real slim shady or whatever mum now. I have two months old baby. I hardly sleep at nights and in the morning, which starts at 5 am, I try to be smily and happy for my baby.
G-d, is life hard!
Happiness is hard too. I mean to keep being happy is. My point is we all have dreamt about happiness not even knowing what that could have been.
Suddenly I feel so exhausted I tell myself, Sophie, just hold on, this too shall pass (not my copyright definitely), just take it easy and GROW UP! Yes, I keep telling myself to grow up and stop being this wannabe Drew Barrymore character.
I try to be calm and good. I want to be calm and good as a matter of fact. I want to be happy and satisfied with life, I want to be tuned in with the environment around me which doesn't always work. It has never worked anyway.

I was reading "Franny and Zooey" to my baby boy the other day. He did not really seemed that interested for he fell asleep soon on my chest but I kept reading and reading, feeling for Franny and later for Zooey too. Isn't it crazy that no matter what these guys are always there on my Ikea bookshelf to cherish me and stand by me? IT IS!

Keep searching, Soph. Please go on.

Never drew away!!!

Everybody knows how I love Drew Barrymore, and why I love her. She probably is one of the very few Hollywood personalities that does not play diva and is always simple. She turned 37 today, still 10 years senior and imagine, I grew up watching her movies and feeling for her when she used to go through hard times in her life.

Drew is a dream sister, isn't she?

What's also very admirable in her that she knows how to dress according her age and been there and done that, she doesn't show much of a flesh nowadays. I love people who grow and develop, who learn from life and don't let it bring them down.

I truly hope and pray that this year's going to be marvelous for Drew and her fiance, hope their relationship will work for good and they will have happy marriage; will have many healthy children and Drew will be as accomplished mother as a person she is!!!


P.S. Watched her on Ellen and I loved her saying about her fiance that he is a very good man. Not showing off too much love and how this and that they are, but just saying he's a good man :) he'd better be.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DREW!!!

Post-Soviet Me

'You know, it's all just humor. Don't take life so seriously. Don't take fashion too seriously. Don't take the movie industry too seriously. Don't take love and your relationship so goddamned heavy all the time. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Life is high school and it's small and everybody talks about everybody, so just laugh your ass off.'

Drew Barrymore

It's not always so easy to do so we all know it. I wish I could be as lighthearted as Drew states herself in this sentence.

If I were born in sunny California I might also feel that way. Sure it is easy not to take life seriously when you haven't spent your childhood in the destroyed Soviet Union in 90's, or you've never experienced learning English by the light of the gas lamp. No jokes here. When I was at school it was absolutely normal for the electricity to go on and off, and doing home work near the terribly smelly gas lamp was just a regular evening thing.

Why do I recall all of this?
I don't know.
It has been my life and no matter how fast I run I can never get away from it so all I have to do is to write it down and let you know.
I often have dreams about the past; the past that was so surreal you would not believe and sometimes I don't want to believe either. Dreams about people that are there no more, dreams about the places that have faded away and the feelings that came out false and dreams about this little piece of flesh beating in one's chest and making the blood boil...
But dreams always end by the morning and another surreality starts which is known as real life and which is more illogical than the dreams one had last night.
I guess the Soviet Union was a dream too. Unbearable dream for some people. Utopia. And Utopia is nothing but surreal, isn't it?
So you can never blame this little (relatively) me of being irrational or too rational because I am a product of the gas lamp generation; the product of the lame American movies and the wall that has never been there even though the whole world claimed it was.
All my friends are the products too. Not only friends but all the people that lived around that time and by the end of the 90's did not know whether laugh or cry after becoming the citizens of so called democratic republics (for this I recommend you amazing German movie "Good bye, Lenin").
Democracy, my feet. As some people would say politely.
There is no such thing.
There's only dream, dreamers and G-d laughing at the latter.

Sometimes I do feel that life is not worth of eating oneself. Then I am carefree and laughing out loud realizing the vanity of being. I am not the first one to notice that becoming psychotic about things do not make them work actually, you only win when you are calm and self confident.
And again, does winning always means getting what you really want or need?
No it doesn't.

Therefore:

What you need you already have and what you want is just a matter of time, that's what would I suggest and keep smiling not minding my dark post-soviet childhood.

P.S. I've been 27 since last Friday :) that makes a girl think, no?

The Pendulum by the Ettes

The Ettes is the band from the United States. Jam (the guy) was born in New Jersey and moved to Florida when he still was a kid. Then comes Coco, Florida born enthusiastic frontwoman and a guitar player of the band; and there's shaggy haired beautiful Poni from New York.
They are all about 70's to meet early indie of our times.

This band is not phenomenal at all. They make music that any other band could play. It's one of those guys that got really lucky to sign a record label and make an album that Drew Barrymore found and used one of their songs in her directorial debut "Whip it".

I got to know this ban via Drew too. They have got couple of good songs and Poni can hit the drums as she can't hit people, she says. As for Coco - she has a curvy figure like Drew's roller skater and a voice that Nancy Sinatra would die for.

So, nothing really special. They just got the style, got in the right place on a right time as they say and made me listen to them for a while.

Now go to sleep

Put your skates on!

Drew Barrymore directed a very interesting music video for MTV. Watched it yesterday and am really impressed. Not that I was not sure in Drew's talent, but the script is so cute and lively; emotional and dark sometimes - little mix of early 80's that meets Romeo and Juliet, West Side Story and angry James Dean.

Drew has been producing movies since she's 25 (now she's 36) and been managing a movie company "The Flower Films" with beautiful Nancy Juvonen (Jimmy Fallon's spouse). You might not know that Drew has also produced very hardcore "Donnie Darko" with Gyllenhaal sister and brother; there are also "Charlie's Angels" kicking some butt, romantic comedies like "Never been kissed" and "50 First Dates" under her company's belt. But her directorial debut took it all and became my personal number one movie "Whip it" with Ellen Page and Kristen Wiig in it with the motto: "Put your skates on be your own hero".

I wouldn't accept anything less. The video is so Drewish - idealistic, stylish and sweet. Haven't seen anything like this lately. Good job, Drew! Bring on some more. You know how to rock we all know that.

Watch the music video here.

Orange walls and Ulysses with the lights off

It's getting harder and harder to breathe.
Maroon 5 has the copyright for these lyrics.
I had a friend who hated me.
Mayakovsky could never shoot himself.
This world turns on and on, and on...
Then you find yourself looking up the Zohar
Pretending you're so smart Shimon Bar Yochai would have adopted you.
Then you open your eyes and see the orange walls of your room.
You are still yourself - not knowing right from left.
At least that's what your friend thought.
Here you stop thinking and grab Ulysses.

Then you write the most insane lyric in the world.
Having found Drew Barrymore's weird photo
You can just post it and go to sleep.
You are too overwhelmed to sit and think.
Sylvia Plath was not Gwyneth Paltrow
Although Esther Greenwood was a virgin.
Nobody cares and you close all the books you've opened before.
23:35
Time to wake up some demons and dance the waltz till they drop off their scary bony jaws.
Tim Burton, come on, shoot somethin'

Ulysses gone.
Lights are on while someone comes in and says:
Turn'em off, Sophie, before you go to sleep.
Please.
I wish I could say: have I ever left the lights on? Do I look like someone leaving the lights on?
But you would never say that, Sophie, for the midrasha has trained you well.
All I say is: Sure. Good night.
Only then you can go back and e-mail your fiance.
The one who takes your breath away.
Lights go off as you start to leave for the orange room.
23rd of May, little crazy bride that you are, less than 4 weeks to go.

A Month

I am so nervous right now.
I am so anxious.
I am so terrified.

19th of May means it is a month to go...

And I miss my fiance so much, it gets harder and harder to live apart.
The weather is stupid as usual - it started to rain then the sun showed up, I wanted to go to sleep meanwhile but now I think I'd better go and get things done.

Georgian consulate is not answering my calls which drives me mad and I probably will go there on Monday without an appointment at all. These government offices are so disturbing, aren't they? Have you ever seen any official representative of the country that would welcome and help you? I have not. Never indeed. And it is not just Georgia, no, my Israeli friends also complain about that, so do others.
It does not comfort me though.
I wanted some paper to be done soon.

I feel so tired, sleepless; my head aches, back aches, eyes ache, stomach aches and I think everything is getting on my nerves, even those things not connected to my body.

Oh, in addition with that I got James Joyce's "Ulysses" and I intend to read it soon. How soon, that is the question :D

Drew Barrymore has got new boyfriend, have I told you that? He's ok. I still prefer Justin Long to him but as long as Drew's happy I am happy. I actually wish I could invite her on my wedding. Wouldn't it be swell?
Anyway.

Drew and Will Kopelman

I am going to be a married woman in a month who will have to take care of her husband, household; one to make home most warm and peaceful place. It is so exciting and little frightening as well because it is something new and unknown, but as my fiance would've said, everyone goes through this and so will we.

Mad love of women

What one can do after "Dating Shabbaton" but watch some movie about romance. Who is the best at the movies like that? Drew Barrymore of course.

"Mad love" is the movie I have watched millions of times and never got sick of it. Year 1995 when Drew was totally off the hook - wild flower flashing David Letterman, going out with one of the members of the grungy "Hole", laughing out her guts and being the sweetest thing ever. I guess Chris O'Donell was all the opposite - sweet boy next door with angelic face and blond curls.
So they matched the picture perfectly.

Movie's great because was directed and written by women: you can see only women could have written romance like this; only women can have fantasy about swimming the river over to get the guy, only women could have written that woman can shoot her love if she feels she is losing him... And above it all only women believe that bipolar women are most attractive and lovable like that of Drew's character.
Don't we?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SUN!

My sweetest nutty has a birthday today. Drew Barrymore is turning 36. Amazing. She's exactly 10 years older than me. I grew up watching her movies and enjoying her smile. I think no other artist has influenced me so much as Drew. Because she has got it all: wit and smile that would rock your boat.

She had been there and seen it all. She has gone through troubles one can never imagine, but she never lost herself - she just laughed out her guts and kicked ass, didn't she? She has been most successful actress, producer and director of the new Hollywood generation. Drew is someone all the girls could strive for - funny, sunny and able to give love to the world.

Imagine me, some funny girl from tiny Georgia admiring Drew and being inspired by her. If she knew, she would be very proud and happy about it I am sure :)
Drew is like an old sister and a friend you could always turn to and tell things you would never tell to anyone else. Drew is like I am for Lila :) So funny because I have no closest friend than my cousin Lila and so has she. Drew is the sunny girl whose poster Lila and I still have in our room in the country house.

Happy Birthday, Drew! May you be healthy and blessed! Wishing you to have all you need! Keep smiling and shining through our eyes, will you?

Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind

No doubt this movie is special because Drew Barrymore stars in it and who cares if George Clooney has directed it and it is based on memoirs of the CIA hitman. Sam Rockwell is also someone who can rock one's boat, but not mine. I have never been into guys like him - blondish showmen, you know.


Drew's character Penny is really something I'd like to talk about. It's unbelievable there is so much common between us. She is funny, loves to laugh and says witty phrases all the time; plus has this loyal character which made her to be very committed to Chuck (Rockwell's character); she believes in him and supports him. Penny is also searching and loves adventures, she changes her attitude from 50's woman to the 60's hippie flower child, then again 70's elegant lady. But by the end of the day she's just a woman who needs to be treated gently and be loved madly.

All right, I vote this movie 6/10 because there are lots of violence scenes which have never impressed me. The actors performance is quite distinguished and interesting. You can't take away the talent of George Clooney who definitely knows how to make movies. I also liked the atmosphere of the time period, plus Drew and Sam have also this weird chemistry between them after "Charlie's Angels" which makes you like them more and more.
One more reason to wonder what is this chemistry all about? You know what I mean? Sometimes you just click on someone and feel that you've got it right.
I actually know the reason of the chemistry thing; it definitely comes from one's childhood, education and other social issues. Although no social issues can have impact on a person without specific circumstances which happen purposely even if you don't think about it.
I know because I am living this "specific circumstance" right now.
I have got pretty 'dangerous' mind, haven't I? :)

Have a nice time watching the "Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind" and falling in love with Drew's sweet strawberry smile (Sam Rockwell's kinda hot too).

Quote of the day

"Yeah, life's too short. We have to love each other."

Drew Barrymore

With Justin Long

Drew and Courtney Love

Drew with the sweet "Grey's anatomy's" cast

Penelope Cruz and Drew

Crazy lioness in Leipzig

This Shabbat I spent in Leipzig with the other Midrasha girls. It was assfreezing cold as I call it. Before the train came Liora and I were running up and down the stairs to keep warm. Plus we had woken up at 6 in order to get at the train station on time so you can imagine how much colder we felt. Anyway.
The story goes like this: It takes an hour to get to Leipzig. It was freezing cold (I know I've already said it but can't stop really) and the snow unbearable. We left our luggage at the youth centre where we were to stay for Shabbat and head to the Panoramic Museum. This museum is outstanding (my new favourite word), staff very smily and friendly, I even practiced my German with one of them. Oh, and what we saw was Amazonia - giant trees, millions of species of butterflies which live in the Amazon jungles, different plants and flowers, my lovely poisonous frogs, bugs and all you could wish. Amazonia became my place to go for honeymoon. No kidding. Who can be better to go there with but your husband anyway?

As for Shabbat - it was nice as usual. We had lots of laugh, nice food, singing and little melancholy. I always feel melancholy wherever I go. I mean, sometimes I just can't explain my feelings. Torah does explain it all, but I am not in the mood to write about it. This melancholy will last until I am with THE person who I can be silent with and not talk. Talking spoils it all I believe. Why should we speak and show off our intellect, our knowledge in this and that, wouldn't it be nicer to look at each other, smile and go to Amazonia?


Found this photo of Drew Barrymore which is from one of her best movies "Grey Gardens" and it just reminded myself getting back from Leipzig, looking out the train window and wondering, where am I going and who am I? Am I ever going to answer these questions? I really, truly long for Mashiach to come. This eternal wandering (you can read it as wOndering as well) is killing me.

Have a good week!!! Never mind what I write here, I'll be just fine in a minute. I am this crazy lioness who groans and roars, but in the end of the day turns into sweet and caring one sitting on the couch :)

Runaway

Seymour Glass is the only suicidal man I love. And you know why did he do it? Because he had seen it all, he had loved people, read all the books, and just decided to go there where he would feel better. I think I would never be friends with Seymour for I would have fallen in for him and could've not noticed his deep spirituality. I am designed for Buddy who is crazy, witty and little clumsy comparing to Seymour.

Anyway (say it in New Zealandish accent), Monday's fading away and what I have learned today is that life is not causal, damn it, it is rough. I posted about Drew Barrymore on my Georgian blog, about her sad eyes in her new movie "Going the distance" and what I mostly wrote about her was meant for myself.

Seriously, I looked in the mirror yesterday and it was some strange woman looking at me with her red eyes and crazy hair (need to dye soon).
Although I look very fine on the photos even I could have not guessed what's wrong with me, but there is something wrong. I feel like a mouse in a cage, you know the one that is running, running and still remains there?
Because right now I don't know where to run. I have no particular place to call home :| For I do not feel home anywhere :/ As my old story's character Sunny would have said: 'Nothing is worse than being a flower cut off its roots and placed in a vase.'
Yes, I still miss my Georgia very much.

Puppy love

Sharon Osbourne

Drew Barrymore as Sharon Osbourne on SNL - she's way too cute for sure.

Free as a bird

I quit my Georgian blog couple of days ago. No explanations - those people who know me and who have read Salinger's "Franny and Zooey" will understand me anyway. I was putting too much pressure on myself and had forgotten my motto: to be free as a bird.

I don't need SUNNY WORLD to make me feel completely Sunny, I don't need many comments to feel honored; I don't need anything but to feel G-d's presence wherever I go and whatever I do. I have so many friends, teachers, Midrasha :) and inspiring celebrity soul sister Drew Barrymore. BH!

I'm just too happy to blog :lol:

Cruel Capitalist Lass For A Night

I want this dress:

I want these shoes:



I want this bag:



And I don't wanna sound too shallow, I know just fine about poverty and diseases in the world... I have been one who's been fighting for all that, but let me be cruel capitalist lass for a night, will ya?

Dearest Drew

I've been fond of Drew Barrymore since I remember myself. I've been watching her movies all my life, collecting her photos and admiring her character really. She has been through so much - hard adolescence, conflict with parents, crazy boyfriends and husbands, David Letterman shows and etc.

Baby Drew in famous Spielberg movie "E.T."

Bad girl in "Poison Ivy"

Despite everything Drew has become one of the successful actresses, producers, and even directors in Hollywood. There may be lots of starlets playing in romantic comedies, but Drew has something that absolutely distinguishes her from other beautiful Hollywood women. She is crazy, funny, risky and is never afraid to get embarrassed as she once has said.

As Charlie's angel

It was time for her to get an award.
And here it is.
Drew got the golden globe for performing little Edie Bouvier in "Grey gardens". I saw this movie some weeks ago and got really surprised by Drew. She seemed to have taken this role very seriously and it was nothing like she had played before. I admire her more after seeing her in the movie about Bouvier mother and daughter.

Directing "Whip it"

As Little Edie in "Grey Gardens"

Well-deserved Golden Globe - January 2010

Drew is 10 years senior than me.
Some people say I look like her.
Thank G-d I did not have life like hers, but mine hasn't been easier though. I hope that in 10 years I'll have got my own golden globe.

All about winter nights, Holden C & Drew B

I just can't go to bed withouth posting anything here.
It's been a long day.
Actually day's not long, but night damn is.
I woke up at 08:30 am & felt like have slept for ages. That's why I like winter, night is always long and you can dream on without feeling guilty that you overslept or as it is.

Been searching for some interesting blogs. Found something, but I'm too sleepy to read now.
It's about Holden Caulfield.

DREW BARRYMORE

When I started to blog this very post, I meant to write about Drew Barrymore (but some like change subjects) - how inspiring she has been for me. I admire her courage, her wits and smile - always sunny. She's been through so much - drugs, alcohol, depression, and here she is - fresh, successful and recovered. I would have loved her either ways. Wanted to tell you that quote of hers I read the other day, but I have forgotten. She was talking about being risky and not to be scared of being embarrassed.
Can't say same about risks, but I've never backed off of getting embarrassed. Who cares as long as you feel "rufalicious"! :) Gotta see her movies (e.g. Never been kissed).
So, thank you Drew for being my muse and inspiration for life.
Thanks internet for being the engine of my inspirations.
Thanks everyone who reads it and thinks that I am 'the one' =))
HAVE A SWELL NIGHT (if that's possible)!