Orange walls and Ulysses with the lights off

It's getting harder and harder to breathe.
Maroon 5 has the copyright for these lyrics.
I had a friend who hated me.
Mayakovsky could never shoot himself.
This world turns on and on, and on...
Then you find yourself looking up the Zohar
Pretending you're so smart Shimon Bar Yochai would have adopted you.
Then you open your eyes and see the orange walls of your room.
You are still yourself - not knowing right from left.
At least that's what your friend thought.
Here you stop thinking and grab Ulysses.

Then you write the most insane lyric in the world.
Having found Drew Barrymore's weird photo
You can just post it and go to sleep.
You are too overwhelmed to sit and think.
Sylvia Plath was not Gwyneth Paltrow
Although Esther Greenwood was a virgin.
Nobody cares and you close all the books you've opened before.
23:35
Time to wake up some demons and dance the waltz till they drop off their scary bony jaws.
Tim Burton, come on, shoot somethin'

Ulysses gone.
Lights are on while someone comes in and says:
Turn'em off, Sophie, before you go to sleep.
Please.
I wish I could say: have I ever left the lights on? Do I look like someone leaving the lights on?
But you would never say that, Sophie, for the midrasha has trained you well.
All I say is: Sure. Good night.
Only then you can go back and e-mail your fiance.
The one who takes your breath away.
Lights go off as you start to leave for the orange room.
23rd of May, little crazy bride that you are, less than 4 weeks to go.

A Month

I am so nervous right now.
I am so anxious.
I am so terrified.

19th of May means it is a month to go...

And I miss my fiance so much, it gets harder and harder to live apart.
The weather is stupid as usual - it started to rain then the sun showed up, I wanted to go to sleep meanwhile but now I think I'd better go and get things done.

Georgian consulate is not answering my calls which drives me mad and I probably will go there on Monday without an appointment at all. These government offices are so disturbing, aren't they? Have you ever seen any official representative of the country that would welcome and help you? I have not. Never indeed. And it is not just Georgia, no, my Israeli friends also complain about that, so do others.
It does not comfort me though.
I wanted some paper to be done soon.

I feel so tired, sleepless; my head aches, back aches, eyes ache, stomach aches and I think everything is getting on my nerves, even those things not connected to my body.

Oh, in addition with that I got James Joyce's "Ulysses" and I intend to read it soon. How soon, that is the question :D

Drew Barrymore has got new boyfriend, have I told you that? He's ok. I still prefer Justin Long to him but as long as Drew's happy I am happy. I actually wish I could invite her on my wedding. Wouldn't it be swell?
Anyway.

Drew and Will Kopelman

I am going to be a married woman in a month who will have to take care of her husband, household; one to make home most warm and peaceful place. It is so exciting and little frightening as well because it is something new and unknown, but as my fiance would've said, everyone goes through this and so will we.

Berlin - Haus ohne Hüter?

Days are so long in May or it just seems to me because I want May to be over as soon as it could be. It's just 00:00 uhr and I feel like I've been living today's day forever. I wanted it to finish and now it's gone. I've witnessed one more 9th of May becoming part of the world history.
Do I represent a tiny bit of history too?
I am living it in Berlin and dreaming of its bohemian life in the mid 50's when the youth rebelled and Heinrich Böll published his "Haus ohne Hüter". And even then you could eat most delicious brown Brot with sunflower and sesame seeds, butter on it.

Can't write anything lately. I haven't written anything except my blogposts and pocket diary. Either I am too busy or too concentrated on what is going on in my life. Or both plus millions of other things that keep me away from literature. I have heard so much complains from the writers who are afraid to confess they have actually failed. What if I am also a failure writer? I have not written anything interesting since last year I guess.

I went for a walk today and visited couple of book-stores trying to find something new to read. I feel such cultural thirst cannot even explain. I need literature so badly. I need to read and write, to be inspired and feel that I can express myself on paper (not literally nowadays). Did not find anything though and decided first I should try to write and then read new books if I find anything amusing and worth while.

I have all I need though.
I really do.
All I need.

Lights will guide you home

This post is dedicated to the memory of Sylvia Plath - my late inspiration.

Sipping my Earl Grey while there are words of the Coldplay's "Fix You" in my mind.
Trying to believe that lights will guide me home... home... There have been major changes in my life. Since March 23rd I've been engaged to get married. I am to be a wife. I am to be the one warming up home and making it into the coziest place for my husband and most irresistible castle for the non-friends.

I am so grown up while I still sometimes feel like this little Georgian girl wandering around the world who used to look for the light. Light guiding home, light guiding to the heart of the person who could be the light itself.

What does every girl dream of? Finding a perfect guy, to love and be loved. To get married, wear a white gown and feel like the queen of the universe knowing this must be the best day of her life.
I've never dreamed of wedding actually. All I ever wished was to marry a guy who would be worth of dedicating my life.
There is very famous German scholar Rabbi Hirsch who said love is something to come after marriage, after the time two people become one and I cannot agree more, but before two becoming one you need chemistry between those two; you need this divine or, let us say, physical attraction that makes them committed to each other.

Life is all about seeing the light and letting it guide you through darkness. We all know spiritual and mental darkness is the worst of all. Just have finished Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar" and once more realised that life is so hard especially for intelligent women. You may go insane by every little thing that comes your way and does not go your way if you know what I mean. More you think less you know.

Then you just sip off your Earl Grey and loving the last drop of it - bittersweet and so English tasting - warms you up and guides you to serenity. If there is any serenity at all. It is all up to you.