Languages He understands

(This photo has nothing to do with the post, I just feel like Julie Delpy)

Last update for the year 2010.

Some celebrate New Year and I will celebrate Shabbat tonight. The day of the week when everything stops and all is dedicated to G-d, family and dear people. I don't know what would I be doing without Shabbat, and I cannot either think how I used to live without it. It's the day when I forget about mundane problems and stay alone with Hashem. That's when I can talk to Him openly and tell how I feel, what I want and where I want to be. It is also funny that I always speak to G-d in Georgian when I am sad, in Russian when I am mad, and in English when I feel lonely. He knows every language as you might have guessed.
Although it does not always work that way. Sometimes I do not speak to Him on Shabbat. Because I sleep and sleep all the time, especially if I am sad and blue.

It is not about talking, you know.
Or maybe it is.
It is.
Yes.
Sometimes you need to speak I can't fight it, can I?

Anyways.
I just have decided that I am fictional diarist and that is the genre I'd like to take for my writing. I mean I have already taken it for most of my stories are like diaries.
Wish me luck so my book shall be published soon.

To teenagers and old people

I love waking up when everyone else is asleep. Then I can come downstairs, drink my milk coffee and look out the window.
So quiet and dark.
5:56 am.

My teenage friend Rebekka saw the movie "Into The Wild" and was full of emotions, impressions yesterday. She asked me if it's true that "Happiness is only real when shared"? I suddenly realized that yes, that's what it is actually.
I've been asked what is the stable character trait I've got, I hesitated a little and answered, that it is optimism that I never lose.
Not only optimism.
Empathy.
And now Rebekka actually made me think that I am only happy if my friends, my fellow Jews are happy. Not only Jews really. How can I be happy if my old Kurdish neighbour in Georgia is miserable? Or how can I rejoice if I knew my Georgian childhood friend was unhappy?

Man is not an island, is it?

I am so influenced by the media even though I try to resist.
Yesterday I was thinking how I hate fur and diamonds. So many animals and children are killed because of those luxurious things. Once I told this to my eldest cousin and she looked at me worried: "Sophie, you cannot feed the whole world. Don't think so much."
I can't. Compassion is in my blood.
Remember, I have often said that I wish I was shallower and little stupid girl for my life would have been much easier? I never really meant it. Because it would have never been real me if I were happy-go-lucky with the world vanity.

Thank you, Rebekka Averbach, for that. Now when my mum asks me why do teenagers and old people love me so much, I know what to answer: Ma, it's because I share their happiness as well as their misery.

Argentina dreams. La razon de la Vida

Water Dream by Thomas Neil

What we had in common - our restlessness, our impassioned spirits, and a love for the open road.

Ernesto Che Guevara "Motorcycle Diaries"

Argentina. Buenos Aires.
I had a dream last night. Not realistic at all if you compare sunny Argentina to snowy and freezing Germany where I've been living almost a year.
It is all about Che Guevara who is one of my favourite people who have really inspired me to have free spirit, be not afraid of obstacles, don't rest while I am alive and go for it. Frida Kahlo would have also advised me that: Viva La Vida. No?
Isn't it amazing that these South Americans have such desire for life, love and everything that is worth to be in this world? Even though their economy is terrible, corruption and drug business is blossoming. They still do not give up: dance, sing and believe in positivity.

Whenever I feel solitude I write letters to Che Guevara and Klara Zetkin. Probably because there will be no answer back, plus I know there is some part of them in me I could trust. And it is so symbolic that one is from Argentina and the other - from Germany. My life is so full of specific reasons, isn't it? I wish I could name it somehow: "La Razon De La Vida Del Sol"?

Yesterday when I was walking in the snow and got frozen all over, I was thinking, merde, do I have to die so young and restless just from the cold? I exaggerated a bit, all right.
Although it does not even matter if you die as long as you know the reason of it. Reason you are dead because of searching for something real and FUN.

God took the stars

This song got my heart and soul.

Lemon tea and Torah portion

One more Sunday. What a miracle :)

Just finished my second cup of lemon tea and Torah portion. I did not know that some commentators translate צפרדע as a crocodile. I still prefer classic Rashi, plus frogs are my favourite animals or whatever you call them. What I mostly like is that all the Jewish prophets were human which gives us strength to strive to become like them. I remember rabbi Halpern telling us that Torah is a life book with ordinary people who have suffered, loved, experienced all kind of human feelings which shows us they were no divine creatures. We are same, aren't we? Sometimes I feel so connected to those people I see beautiful and wise Sarah smiling at her baby son or my favourite Jacob blessing his grandchildren like his own.

Berlin is as snowy as it can be. Freezing and my street is empty after holiday.
By the way I was thinking yesterday how lucky Jesus is to have so many people to celebrate his birthday. I would like to talk to him actually, he must have been charismatic personality indeed. Or his lobbyist Saul-Paul was at least. Anyway, it is good if people really believe in values like loving and helping each other, appreciating one G-d and His creation. I like life and the world because of its colourfulness of religions, traditions, cultures. I cannot imagine world without them all.

To resume with my favourite rabbi Halpern's words again, one should never be embarrassed to show its kindness, love and gratefulness to people, and to Hashem for sure. And SMILE! Not just smile, but smile with all your heart and mind. Rather laugh, laugh out your guts because life is what you make it.

I capture the castle

The movie I've recently seen is this British drama "I capture the castle" with Romola Garai and Rose Byrne in it. Natalia recommended it to me for she knows how much I adore Romola. But I should say that in this case I liked Rose Byrne more. I think it is one of her good roles and she fits so well into this shallow and silly character of Rose Mortmain. Romola was less sympathetic in this movie probably because she played teenage girl even though she has always looked much older, and is indeed more matured than her older sister. I also did not click to Henry Thomas - who will always remain the "E.T" sweet boy. He looks like an old youngster which is kind of scary.


I loved Bill Nighy though. He is something and Britain should be proud of him. He's got very fascinating, extraordinary character which makes everyone watch his movies.

Still movie was worth to see for beautiful green scenery, Romola's inspiring radio voice, redhead Rose Byrne, their crazy stepmother and music which makes it easier in the end.

Quote of the day

"Yeah, life's too short. We have to love each other."

Drew Barrymore

With Justin Long

Drew and Courtney Love

Drew with the sweet "Grey's anatomy's" cast

Penelope Cruz and Drew

Fitzwilliam, you silly moody bum!

Elizabeth Bennet By Colleen Coover

One man's ways may be as good as another's, but we all like our own best.

Jane Austen

Happy Birthday, dear Jane!!! You're 235 now and I am 25, what a nice age to sit and talk about it. We could've drunk some tea and laughed about silly men.
I've been told I am like Elizabeth Bennet :/ I kinda like it and not very much at the same time. She was not an easy one, was she? With her unusual attitude, wit and irony. I am not ironic, I try not to be at least, I just can't stop being honest. And Mr. Darcy is being quite harsh on me too. He never smiles and pretends he's not looking at me whenever I turn to him. Boy. Life is so complicated and people just love to make it even more so. Don't even dare to tell me, oh, it is supposed to be that way, what did you expect? I hate that. What did I expect? Fun, Sun and Love. Didn't you?

I think this Shabbat is going to be little boring for me because of Rebekka, the friend of mine, will not be able to be there :/ I am not excited at all. I hope tomorrow will feel better, but right now listening to 'the Goo Goo Dolls' and the world feels so far away from me.
I think I am having some kind of nervous breakdown today, ain't I? Sometimes I feel that life is not fair. Not fair at all. And I am going to do something about it. I cannot sit still and wait for fate you know. I need to get up and walk like Elizabeth Bennet used to do. I need to be there where justice and truth are!

Crazy lioness in Leipzig

This Shabbat I spent in Leipzig with the other Midrasha girls. It was assfreezing cold as I call it. Before the train came Liora and I were running up and down the stairs to keep warm. Plus we had woken up at 6 in order to get at the train station on time so you can imagine how much colder we felt. Anyway.
The story goes like this: It takes an hour to get to Leipzig. It was freezing cold (I know I've already said it but can't stop really) and the snow unbearable. We left our luggage at the youth centre where we were to stay for Shabbat and head to the Panoramic Museum. This museum is outstanding (my new favourite word), staff very smily and friendly, I even practiced my German with one of them. Oh, and what we saw was Amazonia - giant trees, millions of species of butterflies which live in the Amazon jungles, different plants and flowers, my lovely poisonous frogs, bugs and all you could wish. Amazonia became my place to go for honeymoon. No kidding. Who can be better to go there with but your husband anyway?

As for Shabbat - it was nice as usual. We had lots of laugh, nice food, singing and little melancholy. I always feel melancholy wherever I go. I mean, sometimes I just can't explain my feelings. Torah does explain it all, but I am not in the mood to write about it. This melancholy will last until I am with THE person who I can be silent with and not talk. Talking spoils it all I believe. Why should we speak and show off our intellect, our knowledge in this and that, wouldn't it be nicer to look at each other, smile and go to Amazonia?


Found this photo of Drew Barrymore which is from one of her best movies "Grey Gardens" and it just reminded myself getting back from Leipzig, looking out the train window and wondering, where am I going and who am I? Am I ever going to answer these questions? I really, truly long for Mashiach to come. This eternal wandering (you can read it as wOndering as well) is killing me.

Have a good week!!! Never mind what I write here, I'll be just fine in a minute. I am this crazy lioness who groans and roars, but in the end of the day turns into sweet and caring one sitting on the couch :)

Guard the portals of your mouth

My previous post was so crybabyish, oh, nobody remembered my birthday, nobody did this, nobody did that. Actually they did afterwards :-) Sarah Nachum bought me a funny lovely green hat, Miriam got an English-Deutsch Wörterbuch for me, so in a year's time I should be very fluent in German (that's my goal), then Rina left chocolates and lovely note in my room. I am glad because they did it without reading my blog. Oh, last but not least, this lovely Israeli girl Yifat who takes amazing pictures screamed "Happy Birthday" to me in her little town Wismar :-) Yes life is worth it after all.

Photo by Yifat Ouzan

I got an e-mail today from Ita, my teacher, she sent me very interesting article about the power of speech and silence as well. Here's the quote from that article I loved it very much: "From that which lies within your bosom [i.e. your soul], guard the portals of your mouth" (Michah 7:5). I definitely needed this quote of Michah to understand that I cannot and should not say anything is in my heart or soul. We live in such difficult times that we are told by everyone we should speak out our minds and all, but in reality one should always keep something to prevent hurting someone afterwards. You know why have I come to this? After reading my previous post I realized that I am not perfect myself and might sometimes hurt others, or forget things. Or G-d just wanted to show me how sad it is to feel lonely so I should never, NEVER, forget to care about others. Lesson is learned, dear Hashem. Thanks for that. And thanks to all the girls for cheering me up the other day.

And it snows like has never snowed before...

Drop that juice!

Drop that juice, baby!

I love myself so much that believe others do so too.
Freak.
I sat and cried like a baby because nobody gave a single bloody birthday card to me today. Nobody tried to write on some lousy paper just saying, have fun, Soph, love you and stick it on my door. It's not that I am so desperately in need of some human recognition. No, I am in desperate need of some f-ing love because I always love others. I know life is not causal at all and not everyone grew up reading Salinger and Freud. I know that, I wish I did not though. My life would have been much easier and shallower.

I am happy. Really. It'll pass in an hour because I believe in what I do and not what others do. In other words, I'll keep on.

So, no orange juice, Marilyn, honey! Only the real thing!

My Lover's On The Pier

That's how I feel right now that my lover's on the pier...
I love Syd Matters.