On being a stay at home mum and a Hausfrau

Being stay at home mum is very hard, and I am glad, I am not the only one who thinks so. My favourite modern author, Beth Ann Fennelly also talks about it in her book.
People usually get touched by the subjects that bother them, or they get annoyed and depressed. I was sort of like that when read her ideas about new mums, who are at home, then they stay in longer and become less and less independent financially.

This is quite a problem actually.
Not that I can complain or something, but I don't feel free like used to before. I don't work since my 20 months old son was born, I am home with him all day, waking up at dawn and putting him to sleep in the evening. It's been my job now. I love it and I feel fine, at least I don't have a boss to boss me around, except Ezra, who tries to boss, but I am still in charge here, he can't do that to me; so it is good, when I can do pretty much what I please (or what I can), but very often I feel very degraded, if you know what I mean. Sometimes I feel like all my brain has gone with the milk I've nursed Ezra (if literally, that would've been quite useful after all), and now I am only left with my tired hands that clean, wash, change diapers, bake bread, cook meals, and nobody really needs my intellect anymore.
I know it's not like that, my husband definitely respects my knowledge and all, but isn't society harsh on women anyway?

For example, I went to some German bureaucratic office to get some papers done and a lady asked me what was my profession. So I told I had studied journalism, but now was staying at home with my little child. Oh, she said, so you are a Hausfrau, that's what I wanted to know and she wrote down my "profession" straight on that paper.

Great.
I am a Hausfrau, I am a Hausfrau, Hausfrau, I was repeating to myself like crazy, then laughed a lot and finished it with crying.
I've never thought I would end up as a Hausfrau :D last Hausfrau of my Matriarchic family was my greatgrandmother, I think. Even my grandmother, who had five children, never stayed home and taught at school, because she believed her intellectual abilities shouldn't go to waste. My mum remembers how exhausted her mum would be after school, but she still would do household stuff, help her own children with homework and only at midnight had she time for herself, to read her favourite Russian poetry and prepare lessons for the next day.
So, dear Grandmama Sophia, I'm not sure if you would be proud of your Hausfrau granddaughter if you knew her now.

Back to the point I started this post - financial independence.
Even though I can spend reasonably, you know regular and normal families don't spend too much, we're just one of those families, that save and go for discounts, or shop at Aldi and Lidl.
Still, I feel bad if I spent too much, because I didn't earn that money and I feel like I should be more considering what to buy and what not to. Or if I want to buy something that is above Aldi and Lidl prices, I always think twice.
I've never been a big spender or a big fashion shopper, but I could buy things before more freely than I do now. It also must be having a baby, because now I tend to buy more things to him than to myself, and very often his clothes are more expensive, than mine, which is probably not very good, but then the quality question comes first, - children should wear good shoes for healthy feet development, they should wear 100% cotton clothes (while I can wear H&M's fake Bio Cotton) and so on...
This is very stressful for me and very often I can't explain my feelings to anyone, because they don't really understand or realise. Most people think women that stay at home do nothing and whatever they do, can't be compared to the real outside world job, but nobody realises how mentally exhausting it might be - when you are depended financially and don't have any real days off, because the job of mum is 24/7.
Plus I am absolutely terrible at making money, so dumb, I don't know why. So if anyone assures you all Jews are rich or can be ones, please send them over to me so I'll give them a good punch. Really! :P

I hope I'll be able to make that lady write down my real profession one day, so I'll be paid for that job and will feel happy and accomplished, as my Grandmother did.

Wonder-Chanuka

It feels like Chanukah was just a while ago and the calendar tells me it's been a year, I don't believe that.
Ezra's almost 20 months, I am almost 29 (years) and it's Chanukah already. Why is life so crazy? It's rhetorical question obviously.

I would've said that many things have changed since last Chanukah, but then I'd have to talk about those changes, which I don't want to. I am terrible when it comes to talk about myself. I mean, what kind of a blogger I am then, but you know what I mean (do we? :P), being Jewish Orthodox is not easy, you can't talk about everything, you should be humble and reserved, and serious and super intelligent, shouldn't you? At least that's what I think I am (humble... ;) ).

Now seriously, I am fine.
I've been making cottage cheese pancakes called "syrniki" in Russian lately, which translates as "cheesy" :D but in English "cheesy" probably doesn't explain those pancakes' existential meaning. Anyway, Ezra loves them, even my husband can eat them, so I am happy. I need very little to be happy, you know, just couple of "cheesy" pancakes and hot lemon tea.
But this post is not about syrniki naturally, even though you fry them in lots of oil as anything else for Chanuka - oil, oil, oil everywhere.

How am I prepared for Chanuka?
I am not physically and "kitchenly", but mentally I am into it already: I see and feel miracles everywhere, just everywhere.
I remember last year talking to a friend and telling that miracle doesn't have to be exactly as divine as it originally was at the time of the Second Temple (when very little oil was left in the Menorah, but it still burnt for 8 full days), but in small things, that happen to regular people like me. For example I found a long forgotten 20 Euro bill in my old bag when I needed so badly, then I received some discount coupons for a washing machine conditioner, that I had run out and didn't want to spend much anymore, then I got couple of nice e-mails from nice people and what else do I need.
You know these type of miracles that every woman appreciates.

Chanukah 5774/2013 - give it up for Mama Sophie's Sufganiyot/doughnuts

Anyway, I still mustered Sufganiyot for Chanuka yesterday, because what kind of Chanuka would that be? Everyone loved them so far and I even dare to say I get better and better Yiddishe mame year by year :) 

Have a bright Chanukah, full of wonders and love!!!

University lover

When people visit countries or cities, they usually go to see (and definitely take pictures of) museums, theatres, churches and other, so called, sight-seeings. I'm not one of them. I have this thing for Universities. There's some magic aura in Academic places, isn't it? Air is so full of science, education, freedom, thinking...

G-d, do I love Universities! You have no idea. When I visit a new country, first thing I want to see is a State University of that place. Looking at the buildings and watching students are most amusing and amazing entertainment for me. I love watching enthusiastic and motivated youth. Anyone who's ever gone to University, knows how engaged and excited one can be there. Or maybe I was because I studied Journalism (crazy, how could I do that!) and believed in things that don't quite exist in this corrupt world. Plus they don't really teach you how to write there, just waste of time, all the good writers are NOT even journalists, forget Marquez and Hemingway... But that's not the subject now.

So I like University of Athens a lot (first European country I have visited long time ago), I guess, because it's old and loud :)
Second in my list is the Moscow State University, which is huge and pompous as Russia itself.
Then come Universities of Milan, Berlin and Prague. Sadly my list is not very big because I'll be honest, I haven't really seen all the Universities of the countries I have visited.
[I intentionally do not mention the great ones like Oxford, Cambridge, Sorbonne and etc, too pop for me ;) ]

Last but NOT least is the University of Leipzig. The pride of East Germany, let me say like this.
Since Leipzig is my (rather Ezra's, he is an authentic Leipziger) hometown right now, naturally its University is the first place to see and be for me.
My 4 years of Bachelor's and 2 years of the midrasha were not enough at all to satisfy my Academic hunger (haven't done Master's yet, sorry, mum!).

 

So today when Ezra and I were walking up the beautiful University street of Leipzig in the very centre of the city, I felt that the sky was wider and higher, than usual, calm breeze was full of University air taking me to my favourite place in the world.

I wonder what are my readers' obsession? Readers' that become less and less like my blog posts :-D It's fine, sometimes it's very useful talking/writing to yourself and making things clear and realising what you didn't actually know before.

Great with Child

Last book I've read is Beth Ann Fennelly's "Great with child".

I am usually very sceptical towards new authors, especially American ones. You know I adore American literature, mostly THE writers like Salinger, Hemingway, Capote, but modern literature is a disaster just like their cinematography, G-d forbid, how could I ever call Hollywood movies Cinema :D

Anyways, Beth Ann Fennelly is one of those rare authors that absolutely got me into them. First, she's got Irish roots and red hair. Second, she's mum of three. Third, she's a poet and not bad either. I've read couple of her poems and liked them actually, but this book I've mentioned above is something that every mother or to-be should read. Not only extremely encouraging and funny, but it's also very witty and non-judgmental.
I've always been trying to be non-judgmental, but not succeed quite often, people bug me anyways and I call them names, or label and even ban them. While Beth Ann Fennelly seems to be so tolerant to any kind of people, mostly mums in this case, that gives you strength to become little bit like her too.

Except all that, Fennelly's also a freak of grammar, like me, should I say. She especially can't stand when people ignore apostrophes. I liked that so much. Even though I am not from English speaking country at all and nobody would judge (hopefully) my English, but I really try to speak and write correctly and when some native speaking people can't tell between "it's" and "its", or "you're" and "your" seems so embarrassing to me.

So I recommend everyone to read this book. I am even going to re-read it, so enjoyable like a friend of yours writing to you and you are dying to respond or ask some advice, but you really can't.
We all need friends like Beth Ann Fennelly, oh I do a lot.

Have a lovely time!!!

Little before Rosh Hashanah

It's month of Elul for us, less than 10 days left before Rosh Hashanah and the judgment day - doesn't it sound scary?
It is indeed.

I've been thinking and analysing things so much lately. Millions of bees have been buzzing in my brain (if it's a correct way to express my state of mind) and asking so many questions I couldn't answer.
The month before Rosh Hashana is supposed to be the time for meditation, changing one's character traits and shortcomings that one knows should be changed. It's time to think more and talk less.
I don't have much time for thinking because I'm mum, you know, of the 16 months old energetic boy who needs my attention all the time.
But I also know that it doesn't mean I can slip away from Elul having those reasons mentioned above. I don't want either - I want to change myself and move forward as a better person.

Sometimes I have a feeling that everything is illusion though.
Everything, especially religion.
Just look into their philosophies - starting from my very own Judaism and finishing with most modern religions - don't they all have same content?
Don't most of their authorities brainwash the mass conscious?
Don't most of them ignore women?
And in the end everyone is expecting Messiah, which gets so annoying, I wish I could ask G-d, what's all that for? Are we just puppets? Why are we so weak that can't make it without Messiah who should come and do the work for us?

I have one favourite rabbi (I have VERY few of them) Osher Baddiel - great old English man emigrated from Germany before the WWII. He gave shiurim to us couple of times in the midrasha and talked a lot about Mashiach/Messiah that is to come and redeem us all. Rav Baddiel was little sarcastic, but brilliantly explained that no-one's coming to redeem us like we expect: nobody will come and bring heaven on Earth. Messiah isn't/won't be son* of G-d, that's for sure (since we're all G-d's children in general) and he won't be walking on a water... he won't do the work for us either, he said. G-d has created this world in a way that we should sweat working and overcome obstacles before us.
In short, redeemer is mostly in us - it's our soul, our willpower and our desire to work on ourselves, help others and live according to Torah.

I absolutely loved Rav Baddiel's points of view, although he made sure that Mashiach definitely will come, as it's promised, but not in a way most people believe.

Yes.
Older I get less I believe in changing the world while I can't even change myself (do I really try?). Little Elul is left and I hope to get some strength and time to have meaningful Rosh Hashanah.
Or just let Mashiach come, and soon, please!


*with all respect to my Christian readers - this doesn't mean to reassure or upset you. We all should believe in what or who we believe in. Diversity is beautiful.

Forgetting your name

I heard someone I truly respect saying that we, modern people, especially from, so called, first world, tend to be very self-centered and pay too much attention to social services and etc. He also said that we become very easily frustrated when somebody forgets our name, or spells it incorrectly. I listened to him and then said I didn't agree, because it is natural for a person to be conscious about its name and want others to remember it correctly. If somebody forgets your name or doesn't bother itself to spell it properly, it means that person is inattentive, shallow and above all, doesn't care about you enough to bother oneself and memorise the name, I said.

The other day Ezra and I went grocery shopping and ran into a very lovely girl. She's not exactly friend of mine or anything, but she's one of the few people I hug. I mean, Germany is not very hugging country, even people who emigrated here have become (or essentially were) icy cold and which hugging you ask for, when they even forget to greet you. You know, it is nice to hug friends and be hugged too. This girl has always been different - very polite and kind. We know her family and been invited for dinner once too, and I felt quite close to them -- lovely people.
Anyhow, we saw her at the supermarket and went to greet her. We talked about this and that, then her phone called, it was another mutual friend of ours, who happened to be there too and wanted to join us. Sure, this girl said, we'll wait for you. Apparently, the person on the other line asked, who were "we", because my friend hesitated and blushed, couldn't answer immediately and turned to me, asking what was my name. She then apologised thousand times, she said it was because we hardly see each other and she didn't know how could she forget my name.

I remember back in school I had a really nice teacher, but she called me Sofia all the time. It used to upset me really, I tried to explain her politely it was Sophie, but she never seemed to hear. So I started to dislike her even though she was always nice to me and I even liked talking to her about different subjects.

 

Now suddenly I was happy. I know, this is crazy, but it was like illumination for me, seriously -- because I experienced exactly same what my friend was talking about the other day. I realised I didn't mind much someone forgetting my name, not because I am so humble that didn't think of myself important (no I am selfish enough, trust me), but I thought I shouldn't judge people in any case. You never know reasons - she might have been tired, or sick or anything, or we really don't see each other that often so she could have my name in her head all the time.

Well, mostly I felt happy because I sort of fought over my conscious self, didn't get upset and assured her it was all right while sometimes we even forget our own names, let alone others'. Don't we? ;)

3: Tigermood

Right now I'm like this Asian tiger from beautiful and famous Leipzig Zoo (originally somewhere from far Eastern Russia), not in the mood of sharing anything with anyone; have no desire of any social media.

All I want is to enjoy this summer with my family.

Photo a day or two, maybe three - 2

Hummus!!!

This has been my breakfast, dinner and supper these days. I love hummus and it's time to learn how to make it myself at home, because it is a problem to find a kosher hummus in Leipzig. They either have it in our tiny kosher shop or at fancy German ones -- very expensive both.

I used to claim that I was very Middle Eastern-tempered person, but living in Europe for all these years definitely transformed me into cold and depressive woman.
In spite of it all I love this lousy Europe, especially Scandinavia and Germany (add Netherlands as well), because of almost feminist government and society, where women are strong and free, where they are not considered as sinful and dirty daughters of Eve.

I've been reading some book about Afghan women and it freezes my blood, how society and especially religious authorities encourage massive ignorance of people and especially women, who are considered half human, as servants of their husbands. It is horrible to be a woman there and we all should thank G-d for being born or raised or living in free countries.

One more thing that scared me today was, that I bumped into a muslim woman at the shop, who was covered in black from head to toes, you could hardly see her eyes; ABSOLUTELY covered. I've never seen someone like that in my life before and I was shocked. First thing I thought was very naive one: "How is she going to say Hallo to the cashier when pays for her things, while they can't see her face???", and "She can't even smile to anyone because nobody will see it anyway" - well, this last one made me seriously sad.
WHY is that necessary? WHAT is wrong (or is there WRONG at all)?
Does it mean, men are considered such animals that women should cover themselves up that much to not to attract them? Why that society and religious personalities think so negatively about human nature? I think this leads to violence and adultery even more, because forbidden fruit is sweeter, as they say.

Well, I don't know. I never judge anyone and this post is also nothing of the sort, I just care and feel about women for I believe we are all same, we aim for same and we want all basic things SAME too, like love, respect, security...

I am very concerned now. I've always been involved and interested in women issues, emancipation and education, but in this case, where religion also comes, I should step back and just watch - at the end of the day, how do I know that woman is miserable? Maybe she's happier than most of us, educated and free women of west after all? Maybe she wouldn't trade that life of hers to any Scandinavian fair woman's wearing jeans and leaving her kids to her husband while she goes to work? And what if all these images of happiness, women freedom and all are just products of the Western culture that is shoved onto our faces and we consider them right while they are against our nature created by G-d?

I am thinking and re-thinking about it.

But wait, what had Rosa Luxemburg, Klara Zetkin or even Virginia Woolf fought for then? Was it all vain and nothing? Didn't they achieve women have property and right to vote? Right to choose their life partners and wear whatever they feel comfortable?

I'm sorry, but it's IMPOSSIBLE! It would be self denial and self deception to believe those women, who have no rights because they're aware of none, are happy. Never in the world has religious extremism brought any good. Beware friends (the ones that dive too deep)!!!

You see how hummus talk could be turned into a much serious post than expected? Long live to Middle East!!!

Photo a day or two, maybe three - 1

To motivate myself and blog here often, I decided to make this tiny project called "photo a day (or two, maybe three)". No matter how lousy my shot might be, I should post and tell a story.

So this is a first attempt.

My Sunday Fuchsia nails and my antique laptop as a background. Even if they don't seem fuchsia enough, they are. At least that's what was written on the bottle.

As for my laptop - don't laugh, ok! I've had it since 2006. My mum gave it to me as a present after my first story was published. 

This is my first and only laptop so far. I had dreams about buying the Apple one, but do you think the girl with the soviet and socialistic past could've or would've bought it? For sure, NOT! I don't like to pay much for those conglomerates that rule our lives anyway. Ok, I know there are many people working for those companies that need to feed their families too, but I still don't like them.

Well, maybe I could've surrendered in the end if I had enough income myself to afford it, but since my husband is the only one working hard, meaning he would've paid for it, I ignore all the Apple temptation and stick to my old Fujitsu Siemens - so I'll be faithful till its death do us part.

Last but not least: hey, we live in East Germany after all - most minimal and hippie area, it would be betrayal to the tribe to have luxurious things, wouldn't it? :D

G-dly union

This morning Ezra, his grandma and I went to the Leipzig train station to do some grocery shopping. When we passed that block, where they sell tickets, I saw a girl who lived in the midrasha too, but she came there right after I got married and left. Now she's just married too. She's really nice and sweet; her husband is also very intelligent and handsome guy.

It was so nice to see her - all smiley and happy, positive and full of hopes and dreams as all newly married girls are. I wanted to hug her and tell her, best life is about to come and wish her all the best that could be in the world.

[You know, sometimes I might be as cold as ice, but mostly I am such heartful sentimental person that can't help loving people - strangers or friends, no matter.]

But I didn't because I've seen that girl only twice in my life and we had literally said only two words to each other: "Gut Shabbes" -- as she was visiting the midrasha for Shabbat then. And I was a bride, all excited, scared, emotional, crazy, witty - saying funny things and hiding I was nervous about losing my freedom and becoming involved in this institution called marriage, so I couldn't pay enough attention to the newcomers, I am really sorry now.

And here, I saw her, lovely bride with sparkling eyes and glowing face with happiness.
I can't explain better, all the words are vain.

Anyone who knows how beautiful and meaningful traditional Jewish wedding is, will understand my emotions and excitement. I respect every religion and believe that all humans around the world are same, they all have heart and soul, they all want to be loved and give love, but when it comes to traditions, nothing can be compared to the Jewish life which is guided by Torah.
Everyone has God, but only Jews have Torah, which means we have double credit :) this is a half joke, because Torah is G-d and G-d is Torah, but what I mean is, that this is the only Book which gives life and is life Itself.
Naturally, Bible belongs to the world, but essential Torah with its beautiful commentaries is only mine (I mean it not literally for sure, rather philo-Sophie-cally).

It is said that receiving Torah from Hashem by Jews was like a wedding between Jewish nation and G-d, because this is most sacred and wholly union on the planet. For only husband and wife can be as close as it can ever be. They are one flesh and one soul, one creation - like G-d and Jewish people.
I know some will think I exaggerate as every sort of religious fanatic does, but all I want to say is that looking at that girl and her new husband made me realise this once more - there is nothing more beautiful than Jewish marriage where two souls are united for G-d and from G-d.

May You My Friends Live Long and Happy Life full of Joy and Torah Light!!! May Hashem bless you with many healthy children and granchildren! Amen!!!

Here are some photos from my own wedding. Yeah. It was not so long ago, it's been 2 years. So fresh and vivid still :)

Crymama

It took me more than an hour to put Ezra to sleep. During this one hour he pooed twice, drank water, jumped up and down, cried, and then fell asleep on my lap.

Looking at his wet eyelashes, I also started to cry and once I start crying, there's nothing to stop me. I cried my heart out for good - remembered not only my idea of calm and cool parenthood (in which I fail lately), but also my own childhood. Suddenly missed my mum like mad and wanted her with me so I would fall asleep on her lap too.

Then I cried because Ezra is my copy of a character. You just can't make him do whatever he doesn't want to. You can't talk to him strictly if you want him to do what you should.
Main reason of my heartful crying was that I don't want him to have character traits like me. I've been a trouble all my life - although I was excellent student, my behaviour was rebellious at school; most professors at university didn't like me either (nor my writing). Work - I've never worked at one place more than 1 year in my life :| I didn't like bosses. I can't stand social injustice and snobs. At home - I was whining all the time and everyone should've listened to it. My mum and sister Lilu are heroes.
I said I didn't want Ezra to be like me and I meant it. At least I am woman and it's not a tragedy, but for a man having my character means he'll be another Che Guevara revolting against the dominant world for all his life - not proper, especially for a Jewish boy who needs to be disciplined Torah and Talmud scholar. Only Hashem can help ME to be a good mum to raise my children in His way!
אָמֵן!!!

Good thing is, I became better person after getting married, I work on myself quite hard to be patient and not lose temper easily. I need to work harder though, because I might be very happy and positive person, always laughing and joking, but inside I am a rebel. As a wife - I think I am not that bad, I hear what my husband says, make him feel warm home and try to whine as little as possible.
Mum - I can't tell you yet. It's been only 14 months I've been in this position. I don't mind Ezra throwing things around, messing and eating like a baby pig, only thing that makes me mad is his sleep - rather not wanting to go to bed.

So, after crying came the sunshine with the words of Shlomo HaMelech: "This too shall pass". I knew it will. I know Ezra will grow up quickly, I'll get old even quicker, but I am a human, Mensch!!!! :) Human that needs to have emotions and express them or time will pass and emotions fade to nowhere; while I believe it's all about emotions that makes the world go round and makes mantra become better (if you say so, Soph, big fat mantra expert! :P).

Some reasons

I am so tired that I can't blog properly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Plus because of some reasons I have no desire to blog:

1. There are some people who read it and I don't want them to know my TRUE feelings about particular issues.
2. I hate fanatics, especially religious ones and I pray to Hashem to spare me from them and teach me how to handle them. Mensch! I've been handling one of them lately and I don't know how to get rid of.
3. Ezra's been so active, if I didn't take him out for a walk at least twice a day, I'd go crazy. He crawls and cruises everywhere, but EVERYWHERE. Opens every possible door, breaks anything that is breakable, then jumps on me and gives me his charming smile showing off his funny teeth that would melt any heart.
4. I'm fat and it depresses me. My arms are huge as if I were an athlete, and in general, I am as wide as Jack Daniels' bottle (speaking of that, I haven't drunk an alcohol, except wine on Shabbat, FOR EVER, my husband hates women drinking alcohol, then I was pregnant and breastfeeding... now I just have forgotten about it).
5. I am so tired at the end of the day that I just don't have any intellectual strength left to post in English.

P.S. I didn't mention that Ezra and I met Talia, Luke and Lior on 29th of May at the Höfe am Brühl in Leipzig, how unbelievable is that? Would I believe if someone told me I would a year ago when I started to read their blog? NEVER!
Life is extraordinary, you see, and so is the Carbis family, I should say. That's why I like them so much and am never bored to follow their updates.

Thank you note

I am so excited, I can't handle myself :)))

Now. Catch back your breath, Soph!

I started a new little project on my Georgian blog called "ladies' room" - all right, it has nothing to do with bathrooms, but if you really think about it, it might. It is very widespread thing that women love going to bathroom together, you know, to refresh their make up, to smoke (if it's allowed), to cry their heart out about ***holes, they've been in love with forever and they don't even notice; to snub others's outfit or hair, just sit there and tear the toilet paper listening to their friends' complain and etc.

Thus, this project was opened yesterday and now it's getting better and better. Lady bloggers will write about their experiences, hobbies or about their love affairs, family issues and anything they wish.

How it went: I've been blogging there since 2008. I read many English-speaking women blogs, which are great, inspiring and so empowering too. There are sort of women blogger communities who support each other, blog about similar issues, promote each other and just leave their nice comments to cheer one another -- which I find so noble and necessary (we always need some positive or critical feed back). So I thought Georgian women bloggers should also unite and make projects like this -- blog more, comment more and have fun too obviously.
Then I also realised that Georgian blogging needed some renewal, some re-branding, let me put this way, some lighting up, and I should've been the one to bring those lovely ladies together and ask them to make a post or two for my project.
I didn't expect I would get such positive responds back and SUCH personal posts, letters confiding and trusting in me, for which I am above than just thankful.
THANK YOU!!!

No need to say that Georgia is one of the warmest, loveliest and dearest country in the world, where people might be crazy sometimes, but most of the times they are openhearted, kind and always ready to help you.
So, visit beautiful Georgia of mine, enjoy the miraculous nature and read more of me.

Have a lovely week everyone!

Cities

An acquaintance of mine said to me the other day, that whenever she starts thinking about intellectual matters and sort of tries to train her brain, her head aches like crazy.
She made me feel better about myself for that's what I've been feeling last 13 months.
Sometimes I can't recognise myself, I get emotional very easily, my speech gets nervous and writing - worse. There are times when I re-read my posts (mostly in Georgian, because you shouldn't ask much from me in English) and they are so illogical. Not that I've ever minded logic, but still, I used to write well (at least to some taste).

Then one rabbi who is also our family friend, gave a class couple of months ago and told us, that somewhere in Talmud it states that woman continues to have her "pregnancy mind" for two years, especially if she's nursing.
When I was in the midrasha I used to say that Talmud isn't studied by women only because it's all about what men think and say, and we (wise girls) know that men never understand women, they are from different planet, so women will not bear studying a book which is only based on men's wisdom.
So now I really take back my words, Talmud is right. Pregnancy mind (rather lack of it) definitely continues for more than a year - I am living proof for that.

After couple of months we had Ezra, my brother-in-law came over for Shabbat and before dessert we decided to play some game. Since you can't write or use various muktzeh things on Shabbat, we started to play this very Soviet game called: "Cities". It goes like this, 4-5 people are in game; one of them picks any letter from Alphabet and says a name of a city (e.g. Leipzig), and second one says the name of other city beginning with the last letter of the city mentioned before (Leipzig - Glasgow), so it continues like that (next one will be Glasgow - Weimar). Time is also very limited there, VERY MUCH indeed, you should say the city names in one-two seconds, quicker you are, the better.
Now I'm trying to remember the suitable expression to my failure in that game.
I couldn't recall the cities of Georgia, let alone the worldwide. My mind was blank. All right I could've named some of them after thinking for couple of minutes, but not in seconds definitely.
So I got very upset, left the room and cried my heart out. My husband tried to calm me down reminding me what our midwife had said abour postpartum time + nursing = mini-dementia.
I was upset and embarrassed anyway, because I used to be quite good at that game and knew loads of cities.

My husband asks me every now and then if I'd like to try, but I am scared and always say, not yet.
You know what though? Having written this, I realise that I probably will play this Shabbat. It's time to overcome the embarrassment, it's my family after all and no-one will laugh at me if I fail again.
I can't let the pregnancy mind become me, if you know what I mean. Plus, I am not pregnant anymore and it's been more than a year since, I shall give it a try.

What a great mind-[en]lightening thing is blogging, isn't it?

Lie

Yesterday somebody tweeted this photo of a little Iraqi girl who drew her mum and then lied in her like an embryo. So moving and heartbreaking. I didn't think twice to retweet it.

Then suddenly it stroke me that I was influenced by media. By that very media I hate so much - prejudicial,Western, immoral and mindnumbing.
First, look at the drawing (especially the haircover bow, no way a child could've drawn it so accurately), I don't think girl of this age could have drawn that. It rather looks like a cartoon woman from Marjane Satrapi's books.
Second, this heartbreaking and moving shot is SO very Western, particularly American, that makes me sick. In American, I mean pseudo-emotional images that are pushed on us through Hollywood and media again. Things that have no value and still make us believe they do.

You know how tolerant I am and how I love people, but this photo was too much.
Such a lie.

If someone ever cared for this Iraqi girl (if she really is the one to have drawn her mum) they would never let the war break out - they would never destroy millions of people's lives. They wouldn't get billions from selling the weapon to kill people, to violate their rights and to make them homeless, helpless and orphan. They would never abuse prisoners, never break down the great antiquity of Babilon.
Now please, stop fooling us, especially emotional mums like me, because we can use our brains if/when we need to.

Better one

When I put Ezra to sleep millions of thoughts fly into my mind like colourful butterflies and they are beautiful. Usually my thoughts are beautiful or should be so if I try to think about pleasant things more. Sometimes those thoughts are little melancholic and nostalgic, mostly they are sweet and tender like my baby’s dreams.

I love when he falls asleep and I can see how peaceful he is, how innocent and miraculous. Every baby is a miracle, but I came to realise this only after a year I think. I never thought it would be so true when people used to say that you only feel real love towards your child after she’s one, because the circle of some phase is closed and you can see clearly what all that was about.

Those hard times of first months when I just started to nurse Ezra, the almost 4 months of colicky period, when he had terrible winds and I couldn't help him much, then those times when I tried to train him to sleep… I know more is to come, but this first year is unique, makes my heart melt, because I know this was about building the physical and emotional fundament for Ezra to keep growing up and becoming an excellent person.

Time has flown. I mean that’s how people say, but I don’t quite agree with that. Time has gone by just as I’ve expected – on its time. Time is wise. Rather Hashem is.

Now I just walked by the small sofa and recalled Ezra when he was two months old, he would fall asleep on my chest and then I would put him on that sofa very very slowly so he stayed asleep and I could go to cook dinner. Then I would come back on my tiptoes to check him and tried my best to walk so that our laminate floor wouldn’t make noise. Sometimes I succeeded, sometimes – not and he would wake up asking to hold him and comfort him. Then we would nap together on the same sofa – we had often napped there for three hours, which was great and I will always miss it. I am not sure if one gets as much sleep with next babies because first one needs so much attention, doesn’t he?

I’ve also grown a lot during this year. I look back and some days seem like a dream. As if they've never happened, but I only saw a dream and it faded away leaving little purple touch on my soul, if you know what I mean (well, those who know my love to Marquez). There are so many things in life influencing us, hurting us and in the same time motivating us to move on, never stop, never mind stumbling, just go on and on.

I learnt how to be patient, not to lose my temper as easily as I used to; I achieved being nicer to people that annoy me, not to get angry with Ezra when he refuses to sleep or eat, which still is something I keep on working and making myself not to explode, but smile to him and show how calm I am so he eats one more spoonful porridge. Still a challenge.

Life is all about learning anyway. I need to learn new things everyday in order to move on and become better person than I was yesterday -- better wife, better mum, better daughter and just better Sophie. Not always easy, rather hard, but achievable, that's what I'm here for.

Getting and deserving

I wrote a big "heartful" post yesterday and on last minute decided not to publish - it was too personal. Not that I was giving out some intimate secrets or anything. No, it was deeper - coming from the darker side of my soul which has been eating me lately.

You know this dark side comes out, when you feel most weak and tired; exactly then millions of disturbing reasons come to your mind proving that you are miserable and failed in something that was always so important for you.
Profession.
..........................

The problem for my generation and probably for the whole world is the fear of being failure. Fear of not looking cool in others' eyes; fear not having things that others have; fear to be less successful than your university friends (my case); fear to be less beautiful and so on.
That's what makes us depressed - feeling that we don't get what we deserve. Don't we all believe we deserve the best because we are the best personalities of the world?
.............................

Every now and then I get mad. And then I am so ashamed of it. You get angry when you have no control over something and things are not going your way, we all know, and it seems to me that things are not exactly going as I wish they were lately.
People irritate me, environment irritates me, even the smartest and loveliest baby Ezra irritates me and I start to cry. Deep in my heart I know I am happy and lucky for having all I have now and I should be acting more mature, but I can't help it. I pick on everyone and everything and only thing that saves me is going out for a walk and breathing the fresh air. Temporarily.

There are times when I doubt everything in the world and believe that it's all about money, power and fame :| I know it's my post soviet ghost haunting me over and over again, making me feel like a trapped animal and reading "Perfect Day for Bananafish" for thousandth time. Only Salinger can save me, I say.
....................................

This too shall pass, but may come back again.

(This post was re-created/rewritten under the influence of Metallica's "For whom the bell tolls" live in South Korea)

Mit einem Kind... Mami's new world

It's been so long ago since I've blogged, almost a month.

We had lovely Pesach, Ezra had his first birthday and I've had some inner fights with myself and the world. The fight is still going on and I very much doubt it will ever cease.

Now I'd like to tell you about the card I got from my very dear friend Michal for the rosh chodesh of Adar. Michal is a young girl who used to live in Leipzig but now studies at university in a different town. So she visits her family in Leipzig on holidays. I am so glad whenever she comes to Leipzig, always lets me know and offers me help for Shabbat.
We met in Berlin in 2009 first, in the midrasha, and she impressed me with her modesty and colourful tights right away :) she was one of very few people I got along with and was not bored.

She's intelligent, sweet and, very important, - she can listen and never interrupt you. I find this character trait admirable, because most people can't hold their tongues and if they do, they never listen to you, but can't wait you to finish your sentence so they start telling their story. I understand we all care about ourselves and consider things we say more serious than others', but we should try not to. I really do try to be more attentive, to hear what people say and don't push my problems on them. Isn't it enough I talk/write so much and make people read? :)

Last August when Ezra was just four months old and it was lovely weather even in Germany, we went for a walk in the Rosenthaler Park and met Michal there. We talked, walked and had a really nice time, plus Ezra fell asleep and we had loads of time to stroll around the park and have a lovely conversation. That's when I liked her even more.
After that I also decided to delete my Facebook account for good. I realised I saw pictures of others' children more than I spent time with my little baby, who laid on his rug and "talked" to the old brown puppy while his mummy scrolled the Facebook up and down. I realised Facebook was stealing my life and my true self... that's a different story, but the point is Michal sort of helped me to figure this out better.
That was also the day when I told Michal that after having a baby my world had totally changed and it seemed like some new unknown world had opened up for me.
And guess what? Just before Purim Michal gave me this card saying exactly the same I said to her on that very Summer day at the Rosenthaler Park in Leipzig.

 

It means so much to me if I could only explain. I try to talk as little as possible and I usually don't show my feelings to others, but then I felt that I could tell to Michal how different my world had become after having Ezra. 

And she got it. She remembered it.

She found this card somehow and made my Adar definitely. Not only that month but more, as I will keep this card as longer as it's possible. It's also cute that this woman on the card looks kind of like me, wears colourful dress and loves cloth bags just as I do. 

Now, tell me, doesn't everything in this world has its time and space? Didn't G-d give inspiration to some nice person to paint me, a post soviet traumatized girl in her late twenties? 

I love imagining everything is connected in this world and all of us, no matter where we come from, what religion do we practice or how much we weigh, have same soul and emotions - we're never alone. While I suffered from Postpartum stuff and terrible babyblues, cried my heart out for almost six months after giving birth, adjusting with my new self and all, there was also someone somewhere feeling just like me wearing orange dress and her baby on her chest, carried the cloth bags and thought: "Mit einem Kind entdeckt man die Welt aufs Neue -- With the baby, one discovers the world anew".

Thank you, Michal!!!

Scary Schimmel

I am almost sure many of you have seen those American movies about girls moving to Europe or exchanging apartments with, let's say, British people and etc. And behold, disaster - rusty sewerage system, molded walls, squeaky doors - come over as soon as they move in.

This is old lousy Europe.

If finding a flat in the west Germany is almost impossible, over here, in the east, there are plenty of apartments one can rent (after millions of people left for the west in 90's). Comparing to the western prices, the eastern ones are quite reasonable. Did I say reasonable? Nothing is reasonable in life if you really ask me. It's all about us searching for reasons, but never finding them and making up our own.

Anyway, the story is about our apartment. We've been living here since June of 2011. I liked this place at the first sight just because there were 7 memorial stones of 7 people deported to different concentration camps on the doorstep. It meant so much to me and my husband to rent a flat in a house where 7 Jewish people lived, loved, suffered, and then were thrown out from their own homes like they were nothing. 6 of them were executed in Auschwitz and 7th one, Salomon Weininger, if I remember his name correctly, actually fled from the camp back to Leipzig and was hiding for couple of months before he got caught again and was sent to Latvia, where he joined other 6.000 000 Jews in heaven.
So imagine how symbolic it was for us, orthodox Jews, living in this place and keeping the Torah commandments everyday - so uplifting for those perished souls.

Now realistically, the flat was quite cheap, near the synagogue and our community centre, which is important for us to be able to walk there on Shabbat. It was sunny with high ceilings and very comfortable kitchen. So we rented it and moved in after the wedding. Summer was great, Autumn was also lovely, but Winter - that's when the walls in the kitchen and bathroom started to mold. Scary. But we fixed them and lived on. Then we had Ezra in April. Sooner came Summer and we still lived sunny life, so was our second Autumn too.
Ooh, Winter again.
All this mold began to come out since December 2012 and we just can't stop it. We painted the wall, spreyed the liquid to exterminate it, but it would appear in a month's or less time. So unpleasant and not good for health.

When I started cleaning for Pesach the other day, I discovered that in every room behind the heating batteries walls are molded, some less, some more. Then we called the "Hausmeister" who would be the guy in charge about technical things of our house. Now he has to come with some guy who could fix and take off the mold if it's possible. I hope they will not tell us it needs to be seriously repaired and all. It's just before Pesach time and I am beginning to get very nervous, I definitely don't want people coming over and do capital repairs.

Wish us luck in finding new flat - CLEAN and in a good condition not like this old moldy one. Because even the 7 memorial stones and all the romantic stories I imagine can't make us live here anymore.

Rosh Chodesh - NISSAN

Rosh Chodesh NISSAN, here you are!

This Rosh Chodesh is very special and touching for me, even though Jewish calendar of this year is little too quick. Meaning, last year when my baby Ezra was born on 12th of Nissan it was right the beginning of April 2012, while this year his Jewish birthday is going to be little earlier than the secular one, in the end of March. Nissan is the month of Ezra's birthday, month of Jewish nation's spiritual and physical freedom from slavery. I use to say that sometimes we are still slaves of various material things. It may sound banal, but yes, we are all slaves of our own egos and then you know it - all these luxury stuff. Not that material well-being is bad, but getting obsessed with so much vanity, definitely is.

Still off the track as usual.

Rosh Chodesh literally means the head of the month. As we define it - appearing of the new moon which is a sign of a new month. Since monthly periods and anything bound to time are very much connected to women, we call Rosh Chodesh - time of women. Many women come together, go out, or have night ins, give lessons, talk, drink coffee/tea and share SO many things we, women, can always have in store.
Traditionally (or maybe not) women shouldn't do much on this day (sometimes rosh chodesh lasts two days) - dress beautifully and have some time to meditate, and be happy. Before I was married I never appreciated this time as much as I do now, probably because I have very little time for myself and let alone, for meditating. So whenever it's Rosh Chodesh, I try to make it a bit more special as other days: I put make up, wear some accessories, get dressed better than usual and most importantly, I listen to music or write and you know, I am happy (well, happier when my husband has time to go out for some ice-cream. IDEAL.).

Rosh Chodesh Nissan is different though. Pessach is in two weeks, which means forget meditation and get back to your cleaning and dusting. I was taking very easy this prePesach cleaning before one day when I was changing Ezra I found crumbles in his sleeve. Then I freaked out - 'I HAVE TO START CLEANING NOW!!!'
All right, now I am calmer and know that I shall manage with Hashem's help (also my mother-in-law's). Now, let me enjoy Roch Chodesh and exterminate all the cakes and cookies that are left.

Chodesh Tov!!!

Ocean's? No, Ezra's 11

It's been a little hard week. I get very little sleep. Ezra turned 11 months on Monday and he is going through some weird milestone.

On Monday we went to Nova Eventis, trade centre in Leipzig, to buy a new car seat for Ezra. We couldn't pick up anything for a long time. There are so many car seats, different brand names, some famous, some - not, some with crazy prices, some - reasonable. Finally we bought something and when got back home, realised we didn't quite approve it so now we have to return it and get a new one.
Even though Ezra and I mostly use public transport, as I've already mentioned many times, he still needs a car seat because sometimes we get to ride somewhat little far and he is absolutely grown out from the old Babyschale. Plus, he doesn't like to be half sitting, he's a big boy, I understand him.

Well, since that Monday or rather Sunday night, he's been sleeping terribly. It's either his teeth which are coming all at the same time or it's just some developmental- or so called separation anxiety thing that make him fuss. He wakes up several times at night crying and about 1am he just refuses to stay in his bed but be taken in mine. I tried not to take him but he cried so hard I couldn't stand letting him cry so much especially at night when we all need to get some sleep. Once he's with me, he falls asleep immediately, but wakes up at dawn asking to nurse and would nurse forever if I let him. I thought he was weaning but he's fallen in love with nursing back again, I guess. Of course I still love it too, but it's exhausting especially at night.

I know he'll grow out of it and I'll miss this time like I miss when he was a tiny baby sleeping on my chest. But before he will I get tired and tired mum tends to complain and feel like her eyes are falling out and backache is unbearable.
Still, being mum is something that really makes me stronger. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, right? Ha ha!

Zoe - Tuesday star

 

I've always liked Zoe Saldana, I don't know why. She always dresses nicely. Never puts too much make up or accessories.

My Tuesday Star.

Purim then and now, and always

Old Midrasha Purim 2011 - my friend and then room-mate Liora "Pippy Long stockings" and me "self made pirate or Clint Eastwood vs Moshe Dayan", scary!

It's been snowing like mad for two whole days or even more. So I very much doubt we're taking Ezra to the Purim dinner at the community centre. We can't definitely move the stroller in this snow, our car is also covered with beautiful fluffy whiteness, plus the baby car seat got really small and uncomfortable for Ezra. Usually we don't get to ride in car with our dad that often, we mostly use public transport which is a blessing in Germany. Always on time, clean and clear.

As for Purim itself. It's magical. If you remember, the story takes place in Shushan, place in Persia, where it must have been very hot and nothing like Germany. Anyway, thousands of years later we're still in exile, thousands of miles away from Persia as well, and still, all the Jews celebrate Purim the same: reading megillat Esther, singing, children making lots of noise with groggers, everyone dressing up like queen Esther or Mordechai, King Achashverosh or evil Haman, and so on.

As it most of the time happens to me, I packed up the mishloach manot and then remember I had to take photos. Well, missed it.

All right, and what did I make?
1) Lemon cupcakes (although my husband is not fond of it, he liked it this time)
2) MUST have Hamantaschen
3) Gozinaki - traditional Georgian sweet made of honey and various nuts and seeds.

What else did I put in Mishloach Manot?
4) Fruits
5) Teabags
6) Fruit juice (you're supposed to give drinks)

Someone told me the other day that Purim is the day when one has to pray a lot because it's time when your prayers are heard. Then she added, don't waste your Sunday on wrapping up the presents, but pray.
That's when I realised me and that person would never get along. Not that I am very bad at praying, actually I am, no, that person just ignored the idea behind mishloach manot. Hey, it's not just wrapping up presents and getting rid of them, but putting all you heart and soul to make people happy. That is definitely my idea of it. So I skip praying part and go directly to wrapping up which I've already done.

You know what? There are no special times for praying. G-d hears us ANYTIME we're ready to talk. He's not an Oberburgermeister (kind of mayor for German cities) who has specific times to receive audiences and listen to them. He's not HUMAN, people, He just was, is and will be, remember? Purim is absolutely about coming together, having good time, sing, dance, laugh and give each other presents, not only material, but just a hug, or smile, or say a funny joke and make somebody's moody day.

Happy Purim!!!

P.S. I guess I am dressing up as a Persian lady today, have no other choice anyway, my mother couldn't come this time and we're left without our Purim clothes - Georgian national costumes, that was. Hopefully next time.

PrePurim Preps

Purim is my favourite festival. It has so many symbols and hidden miracles that I can't help but fall in love with megillah, Purim spiel and of course, mishloach manot every year all over again.

Last year I was very pregnant at Purim time and couldn't really manage to make loads of things. I made only gozinaki and Hamantaschen for our community friends.
This year Ezra's 10 months old for Purim, he's big and well behaved (sometimes) boy, so I have more energy and motivation to make nice things for us and friends as well.

Here are some pictures of my work in progress. Preparing for Shabbat and Purim at the same time, not easy, but definitely fun and lovely.
The final results (and recipes too) will be posted later when it's all ready and packed :)

Gut Shabbes and Purim Sameach!!!

Panoramic dream

Do you know where we went today? To the Panoramic museum of Yadegar Asisi in Leipzig. And do you know why is it so important?
All right, I am about to tell you.

Back in 2010 when I visited Leipzig for second time with the group of friends from the midrasha, we went to that very museum to see Amazonia. Beautiful and outstanding project by famous architect and artist Yadegar Asisi (of Persian origin, born in Austria).
I was so bewitched by it, that when my future husband and I started dating, it was one of the places we went on our dates.

I mean, we weren't engaged yet, it was early March (but sunny), after visiting this museum, we decided to chill outside on the bench, eating pistachios and letting the early Spring sun to warm our faces. I'll never forget that day. It was much more than any romantic date could have been. It was all we needed then: peace, culture and pistachios :)

And now, after two years, we still went there.
So changed though. Never mind my extra kilos, or late Winter rain.
We went there with Ezra, our 10 months old baby.

Isn't life great after all?
There might be hard times and difficulties that make you forget those old tender moments, when you were just yourselves, full of dreams and passion of unknown, because we didn't know each other for long time, but the moments like it was this morning when we strolled down to the Panoramic with Ezra and saw the bench where we sat couple of years ago, it made both of us smile.

 Yeh, those old buildings are so moody European

I used to insist that it's not about places, but faces. I think I might change my mind now. It is about places too, because they sort of make you appreciate and remember precious faces and times. At least that's what happened to me/us today.
And Ezra loved the Panoramic too. At first we hesitated because of the loud sounds, but Ezra looked so happy and joyful, we just moved on and enjoyed new and also overwhelming project of Asisi about mount Everest this time.

This photo is brought from the website of Asisi - so no rule was transgressed since I am very against taking pictures at museums (unlike so many people)

Decisions, negotiations and other "lifely" things

At this point of my life I am happy, but pretty concerned about my professional future. What do I want to do next? Have another baby or finish my German course to approve my bachelor's diploma and get the master's degree? Having another baby and being pregnant is actually not an obstacle at all, while I have done all my courses when I was pregnant with Ezra, thing is, after I had a baby I couldn't study any more. I was too overwhelmed and tired. Plus, I wanted to bond with my baby and get used to my new role.
BUT mostly I care about my health - would it be ok to give another go and let hormones lead me so soon? Thing is I am 28 and I really want to have many children, at least 4, and I wouldn't like to have them after 35, so who knows, perhaps this is perfect age.
(Honestly, one more thing that puts me off is wanting to pee all the time when you're pregnant. I still have to get up several times at night to give Ezra pacifier or nurse him, and now to have this need of going to toilet every two hours, doesn't attract me at all.)

Now Ezra's 10 months old, quite a character and as my friend described, perfect first child - refusing to be put down or left alone to play by himself, cuddling and climbing on mum all the time.
As soon as he's able to walk and be more independent, I want him to go to the kindergarten. There is tiny little kindergarten run by the Leipzig community where all our friends' children go and have good time, I believe. Since I've never gone to kindergarten myself, I really would like Ezra to go, make friends and be social. He is very social indeed, loves people, watching them and "singing" to them, but being in kindergarten must be harder - it's first school for the child where he has to win his place and develop friendship with other kids, or fight and scare them off just like I used to do and my mum had to leave that idea of me and kindergarten and found a nanny for me.
I hope it'll be different with Ezra and he will love it.

Yes, life is all about decisions and negotiations which distract me sometimes. There are times when I just want to relax and think about nothing, then I realise once more I am grown up and I can't just relax that easily. Those old times are gone for good (and I regret not) and I am adjusted as much as possible of being a good wife and mother.
All right, I get frustrated too every now and then. But then I remember what my favourite teacher's wife has once told me: "judge people favourably and be sure that husband, or children never want to hurt you purposely, they love you dearly and if something unpleasant ever happens, it's not because they are mean, but because you need to talk more and give more to each other." -- this is something I often remind myself and always works.

Have a nice week!!!

Mother instinct

First what I did when I got pregnant was to subscribe to all those mother-to-be magazines and internet portals so I could receive all the updates about baby's development and all.

First thing what I did after Ezra was born - I unsubscribed from all those mentioned above.

Have you read all they write?

Some publications definitely say that every baby is unique and has individual milestone, but most of them demand so much from babies and their parents.

What's annoyed me most:

1) Sleeping.
Baby should sleep millions of hours, start to sleep through the day from two or three months old.
This is unrealistic. At least it was/is for us.
Baby needs to wake up several times a night to be nursed and soothed by mum especially at this tender age of two-three months. I remember Ezra slept cutely till 1am and then woke up wanting me to nurse him and cuddle. Then I would put him back to his bed until 4-5 am when he woke up for second time and then he'd stay with me till morning.

1.2) Sleeptraining.
All right, it might be that I have failed in that many times. I got a book from friend who actually sleep trained her baby for good. Her baby would go to bed at 6 and slept until 6 in the morning without problem, then napped three times a day for an hour each nap. It never worked with Ezra though. I would put him to sleep at 6 and he wouldn't sleep till 7-7:30; as for naps, it was terrible for all of us, he'd also nap three times a day, but not more than 15-20 minutes or he could've not napped at all.
Again, babies are different and you can't measure all of them similarly.

2) Eating.
Again, most babies eat every three hours, but Ezra would get hungry every two, sometimes 1,5 hours, nursed for couple of minutes and let go. We had his colicky to blame, but he still remains not very good eater.

3) Last but not least, mothers' extra weight.
Pushing and shoving before our face all the photos of the celebrities, or as I call lately, people of cheap and shallow, how fast have they lost their weight and look fabulous, while average mums look aged, tired and fat.
They probably forget that those mums have army of babysitters, nannies, cleaning people and thousands of assistants. Most of them don't breastfeed, don't wake up at night, don't change diapers and I am sure, they don't have to do household stuff besides the baby like most of us, normal and natural women, do.
So it is a big shame to depress new mums about their weight showing the photos of the slim actresses who had given birth just the other day and look fresh like cucumbers, like Georgian saying goes.

Now you know why you shouldn't listen to anyone but your own inner voice and mother instincts which are never wrong. As time goes by and my baby grows older, I realize that my instincts get really stronger and I almost never fail to feel what my baby, my family and I need.

Little Boy's Tzitzis

My little friend who goes to school in Germany told me that his tzitzis accidentally pulled out and children started to laugh at him. They mocked, if it was his tail.

I have never felt sadder in my life when I heard this.

Nothing happens accidentally. Nobody laughs accidentally. I am not the one who believes in signs, but I do believe in causality if that's a proper word. I believe there are causes and effects, there are situations, places, spaces and faces we have to overcome in our lives.

It's "something" saying that we don't belong here. I know I've been claiming for all my life that anyone can live anywhere and nobody has right to set borders. Everyone should live and go wherever one feels going. Everyone should be happy.
Obviously not.

We can never be happy living in a strange land, speaking foreign language and be weirdos - wearing tzitzis or long sleeves in summer not conforming like others do. We will always be the ones crossing the river and shaming others.

When I told my husband that story, he said, one is never happy away from home and we've been away forever.
Will we ever be back? :/

This song melts my soul.

Post Soviet Kitsch Again

I used to quote Regina Spektor's lyrics, but lately I have kind of forgotten her. The other day I found a new video of her show in Moscow and was very excited to watch and listen, but was quite disappointed. Because I did not see or hear same Regina - emotional, excited and happy like we all remember her at Lollapalooza 2007. I know people change, time changes and older you get, more money you need, but I didn't like that show, just being honest.
I expected something different, with more quality; one more thing that annoyed me was that she sat or stood too far from public which made the atmosphere not Reginalike at all. I believe when you are a live musician and performer who usually communicates with people, you should be closer with them and make them feel comfortable.
Maybe not for Moscow public but for me it is very important - to have communication with artist, that's why I usually go to shows or watch videos. I need to be close to people to feel them, if you know what I mean, for that people should let you closer and not sit away.

Regina Spektor is one of very few artists who had extraordinary life, emigrating from Soviet Union to America, going through problems that many of my friends have gone and found herself in music which has always been her passion and she's definitely great at.
She's one of those people you would like to be friends and go out for a walk. One that doesn't need to talk much, but look at you with her deep and clear blue eyes and make your day.
I've always liked her, perhaps because I've kind of associated myself with her - also loving Russian poetry and having this post soviet trauma that nobody will be able to overcome.

Mentioning this trauma, who knows, maybe it was all about Moscow and her childhood demons, that she couldn't open up and be the Regina we've all known. These demons are larger than life, I know that and don't judge anyone, I just wanted to see and enjoy my favourite artist who is like nobody else in this business of cheap and shallow.

Mummy concerns

We, new mums, are so paranoid. Well, I really am.
Ezra doesn't sleep and fusses at night - my heart goes down.
Ezra sleeps 6-7 hours stretch at night and 2 hours nap by day - I am peeking in the room hundreds of times to check if he's breathing.
Ezra doesn't eat - terrified.
Ezra eats a lot - also terrified.
Sneezes - GOSH!
Coughs - Ezra, what's that? Why are you coughing???

Are you all mums, more or less, like that?

Mother's job must be the hardest because no other job has your blood and bones, no other job melts your heart. Admit it, most people only work for money, if it wasn't about that, no one would get up in the cold winter morning and drove to the office or anywhere else, rather stay in bed, have a tea or coffee in peace and surf internet whole day. And cuddle with the warm and lovely baby.
Yeh, G-d has cursed the human race for good to work their guts out.

Ezra's friend from Ikea

Anyway.
I AM HAPPY.
I have the best job in the world.

MUST Parve Dessert

As my husband jokes, there's nothing more tragic for an yiddishe man, than to be "Fleischig" the rest of the day.

I love meat. Especially beef. My husband prefers fish, but loves meat the way I cook too. I take all the credit here - I am not a good baker definitely, but I love making meat, it always comes out good. And I don't do anything special, I just have the right feeling how to roast onions and garlic before adding meat.

Today was the day when I cooked chicken breasts.
(My quick recipe goes like this: take a big pan, roast 5 onions and 2 cloves of garlic (if you are fond of it, have more) in rapeseed oil (or any other oil). Cut 3 medium breasts of chicken into small pieces and pour in the pan after onions and garlic are roasted, add 2 cups of water and let it boil. Before chicken is finally boiled, pour half cup of tomato juice, let it boil a minute, add salt and pepper to taste.)

It doesn't end here though. You can't just cook chicken breasts for dinner, you need to make something for dessert. Something which won't be dairy because we can't eat dairy after meat, have to wait 6 hours before that. As usual in Judaism, everything is harder for men - they have so much mitzvot to keep and never get leniency; it's only different with pregnant or breastfeeding women, who can eat dairy after meat in an hour's time.

Since I've been married and started cooking and baking, my biggest headache have been desserts. I learned how to bake brownies, banana chocolate chip cake, ultimate chocolate cake (fancy this "ultimate" word, don't really know what makes it ultimate though), American apple pie (with 300 grams of butter in it and your flat will smell like butter for a week), lemon bundt cake...
The problem is to find a Parve recipe, cake or pie without dairy ingredients, rather finding is not a problem, but the taste is - nothing comes out as delicious as with dairy products, I believe.

(Anyway, here's the recipe of the Raspberry-Apple crumble... I mean,Raspberry-Blueberry-Strawberry one. I didn't have Granny Smith apples and nutmeg that were in the original recipe, so I made it my way.
Defrost one package (400grams) of frozen raspberry-blueberry-strawberry mix or use fresh and drain it. Then pour two cups of flour and one cup of sugar and mix them together in a bowl, cut in one cup of margarine and make crumbles by hand.
Preheat the oven at 180c.
Put some crumbles on the bottom of the round spring pan and press with fingers a little. Add drained fruits. The rest of the crumbs go on top.
Bake for 25 minutes. If you like your crumble drier and fruits transformed into jam, leave it in the oven for 40 minutes (from my failure experience which actually came out quite fine) ).

Now, it's worth to become Fleischig for 6 hours, isn't it?