Monday, November 19, 2018

All about everything

Sometimes I forget I'm human.

It's been a very busy season, I miss being stay at home mum even though I used to feel exhausted and drowning in diapers. Still that was the best time. 
Now it's all hustle and bustle at its best.

So, I said I forget that I am human.
I can feel jealous, angry, upset, disappointed, heartbroken, deceived, lonely... yet be happy and sunny as usual.
It is all right. IT IS OKAY, SOPHIE!!! GANZ OK!!! Ok?

Today I was thinking I need an inspiration. Couple of years ago I had those role models - mums of dozens of children, who stayed home, felt they were simple Hausfraus, but still the bosses of their lives.
Today I don't know who I wanna be when I "grow up".
I still admire those women.
But also admire other ones, who maybe had to work and control their fertility, maybe it didn't work for them and their bodies just stopped being so fruitful anymore...
Who knows? How can I know and more so, how could I ever judge.

Never judge, it says in Pirkei Avot, never judge anyone until you're in their shoes. And since everyone in this world is unique, one can never fit in other person's shoes, meaning - we are never allowed to judge others. Never. Who knows what they went through, how their parents treated them in childhood. We don't know anything.
Just be empathic and polite.

Have a happy week, Sophie. You're good. You have to be :-P

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Let There Be Light

Life is too funny.

Let there be light. And there was light.

Even here.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Little Birdie

Little birdie, little birdie, where do you come from, then?
Looked for crumble, for some crumble but nothing was there.
German Children Song (with my rough translation)

This little sweet German song about a Little Birdie, that has been looking for a crumble, but could not find any because of Winter, has become so close to my heart lately. 
My big boy learnt it at the Kindergarten and when he came home singing it, and I looked up for the lyrics, I knew right away, that was my song of this period of life.

Not that I am a little in any sense of this word, quite the opposite; especially the ego. Oh, man!
No. It's just I am looking for a crumble too. I feel so spiritually hungry sometimes, so lonely that only thing I can relate to is this Kleine Meise, Little Birdie.

Having such a huge history behind, and ahead. Having the gold as they say and still looking for a silver? Not really. I am fine and settled with my spirituality, but I don't understand everything and I don't do it with joy. I struggle a lot while knowing what I have to do is right and I wouldn't do it any other way, but just having this "must" really makes it harder. And it should be that way too, I know very well. Nothing comes easy, at least for me. 
And for anyone, I guess. It's just we always think others live easier than us without knowing their hearts and souls.

I saw this video of hilarious Rivka Malka the other day and it stayed in my mind forever (now I could not find the exact video, but all her videos are worth of watching). She said, we can never be in other person's shoes, because we have never experienced what the other one has. We have never had the same childhood, upbringing, struggles with other people. Although we can share and relate, be empathic and even feel some of the feelings actually, we'll never be able to fully understand others' woes. 
I mean, I have tried but what I always think is how would I do it, how would I react and cope with it, not how other one could, because I can't know the hormonal changes in others.
Just start talking about something with people and you will get absolutely different answers from everyone, different views, even different understanding of the "obvious" (for you) question.
This used to frustrate me: how could that be, I say this and it's received in that way while I meant it this way?
I am sure everyone had this experience.

So I won't be frustrated if someone calls me saying, lady, what Little Birdie are you talking about? Are you cold? Put on some coat and drink a hot tea with lemon.
Not cold at all.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Waiting For Winter

I hate Autumn.

Can't wait for Winter, really.

This cunning mild weather kills me. I love when it's Summer and hot, or Winter and freezing. I hate in-between stuff, you know.

Snow, come soon, love!!!

Thursday, August 20, 2015

I Will Try To Like You

I want to like people.
I've always been saying that I love people, but sometimes I don't.
And I judge others a lot. Not aloud obviously, but just for myself.
I judge and label people by the way they talk, dress, walk... I judge their education, their manners... I even snob people, who seem to be shallow and stupid.
Who am I to judge though? Why?

Then I realise, probably others judge me too. People probably dislike the way I talk, laugh, dress, wrap my head, express my opinions...
And then it gets easier :-D
I mean, we're all human. All we can do is to strive to become better person.
Once you don't take yourself very seriously and laugh at some traits you have, you stop judging others and begin to accept them the way they are (or just ignore them?).

You don't have to change the world, but yourself and the world will change eventually. I am not the first to say this, but it feels good I came to this at some point.

So, friends and foes, haha, don't get too nervous about yourselves! I still like you (or not much) no matter what. I will try not to judge you, I will, bezrat Hashem, because I do not know what is going on in your hearts and what struggle you are having.

I will just focus to improve my myself.

May this be a little step forward for this month of Elul and elevating for Rosh Hashanah.



Friday, July 24, 2015

When You Don't Need Any Title Here

This blog used to have a subtitle: Girl With Post Soviet Trauma if you remember.

I am still that girl (rather big strong woman like on this picture).

I am tired.
I mean, really tired emotionally. I want to hug my babies and sleep, sleep, sleep until the world is a better place.
So childish, I know, it even makes me little sick, but I am being very honest.

I miss my friends, I miss my country and the feeling of a motherland.
Not Home though. My Home is where my family is, but the land, I was born, grew up, lived, loved, learned is so very far from me, not only in distance, but mentally too.
I have less and less common with my Georgia, with my friends and relatives there. All I have left is the love for the old memories, I guess. My mum says, it's fine and once you have your own family, you cannot keep up with your old life.

I cannot indeed.

Does it make me sad? Not really.

I am just tired.
And I wish I had a homeland - calm, stable and welcoming back its people.

I am not one of its people anymore, and probably never was either.

You'd tell me, hey, there's your Eretz Yisroel (intentionally writing in an Ashkenazic manner), don't you adore it?
I DO!!! That's where my soul belongs to, that's where my heart and roots are, but it's hard, when I've never lived there, I don't speak Yivrit as fluently as Georgian obviously, and my childhood was spent not there.

Yes, childhood - that must be it.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

This Easy Tuesday When I Went And Wore an almost Hijab

I usually don't like posting photos, but this one is going to be an exception. I felt so good today in this clothes, especially the scarf (bough at "Strauss" last Summer). I wore it a little "almost liberal hijab style" and definitely got many looks, some suspicious, some - complimenting, some - hateful and some - indifferent.
I have very long hands, I know (although I am only 165 cm, my limbs are really long and most people have optical illusion of me being quite tall, which is very nice to hear). And my hand palms have become quite rough and large as well since I've got family and do all the household stuff.
When I was young, I probably would've looked down on someone who had rough hands, or wrinkles, or grey hair. Not that I was ageist or something, no I was a very normal young person, who thought she'd be as young and carefree forever as she was then. Now looking at this photo of mine, I realise how I have changed, how my opinions have been transformed into something else, and baruch Hashem, I have become more tolerant, more understanding and more respectful to those, who work hard, especially for their family.

So here's to those strong women, who make the world/family go round. The real eshet chayils, who work day and night, who defeat their egos and put their husbands, children, parents, in-laws first.
I am still working, trying hard not to be selfish, not to get upset when I don't get what I want, because that only makes me stronger (but no-one realises that at the first place, does it?).

Western culture and today's world are so focused on oneself, shoving their ideas on us: be yourself, do what you want, you deserve the best, you are the best, be who you are, do what you want...
Scary. Do you understand how dangerous those slogans are? What does "be yourself" and "do what you want" mean? Then they bomb us with advertisements, man made images, false ideas and ideals, wrong role models, and still "wish we were ourselves".
No, I don't want that!

I want to be better tomorrow than I am today, which will be different myself and this means, I can't be myself all the time, only fools can be.

I won't do what I want either, because I may want to eat all that 500 grams of Ben & Jerry's ice cream with caramel filled chocolate chips (pure temptation), which I could do in a blink of an eye without even sharing with anyone, but I will not. It's not okay. Let alone it's not okay to eat so much sugar, it's all about managing your desires, your weaknesses and directing it in a way that would be proper. Children, plus sharing is caring, really.

I hope and wish I get more will power and strength to fight my weaknesses, get over my fears and let myself be the better self as possible. Amen!