Mother instinct

First what I did when I got pregnant was to subscribe to all those mother-to-be magazines and internet portals so I could receive all the updates about baby's development and all.

First thing what I did after Ezra was born - I unsubscribed from all those mentioned above.

Have you read all they write?

Some publications definitely say that every baby is unique and has individual milestone, but most of them demand so much from babies and their parents.

What's annoyed me most:

1) Sleeping.
Baby should sleep millions of hours, start to sleep through the day from two or three months old.
This is unrealistic. At least it was/is for us.
Baby needs to wake up several times a night to be nursed and soothed by mum especially at this tender age of two-three months. I remember Ezra slept cutely till 1am and then woke up wanting me to nurse him and cuddle. Then I would put him back to his bed until 4-5 am when he woke up for second time and then he'd stay with me till morning.

1.2) Sleeptraining.
All right, it might be that I have failed in that many times. I got a book from friend who actually sleep trained her baby for good. Her baby would go to bed at 6 and slept until 6 in the morning without problem, then napped three times a day for an hour each nap. It never worked with Ezra though. I would put him to sleep at 6 and he wouldn't sleep till 7-7:30; as for naps, it was terrible for all of us, he'd also nap three times a day, but not more than 15-20 minutes or he could've not napped at all.
Again, babies are different and you can't measure all of them similarly.

2) Eating.
Again, most babies eat every three hours, but Ezra would get hungry every two, sometimes 1,5 hours, nursed for couple of minutes and let go. We had his colicky to blame, but he still remains not very good eater.

3) Last but not least, mothers' extra weight.
Pushing and shoving before our face all the photos of the celebrities, or as I call lately, people of cheap and shallow, how fast have they lost their weight and look fabulous, while average mums look aged, tired and fat.
They probably forget that those mums have army of babysitters, nannies, cleaning people and thousands of assistants. Most of them don't breastfeed, don't wake up at night, don't change diapers and I am sure, they don't have to do household stuff besides the baby like most of us, normal and natural women, do.
So it is a big shame to depress new mums about their weight showing the photos of the slim actresses who had given birth just the other day and look fresh like cucumbers, like Georgian saying goes.

Now you know why you shouldn't listen to anyone but your own inner voice and mother instincts which are never wrong. As time goes by and my baby grows older, I realize that my instincts get really stronger and I almost never fail to feel what my baby, my family and I need.

Little Boy's Tzitzis

My little friend who goes to school in Germany told me that his tzitzis accidentally pulled out and children started to laugh at him. They mocked, if it was his tail.

I have never felt sadder in my life when I heard this.

Nothing happens accidentally. Nobody laughs accidentally. I am not the one who believes in signs, but I do believe in causality if that's a proper word. I believe there are causes and effects, there are situations, places, spaces and faces we have to overcome in our lives.

It's "something" saying that we don't belong here. I know I've been claiming for all my life that anyone can live anywhere and nobody has right to set borders. Everyone should live and go wherever one feels going. Everyone should be happy.
Obviously not.

We can never be happy living in a strange land, speaking foreign language and be weirdos - wearing tzitzis or long sleeves in summer not conforming like others do. We will always be the ones crossing the river and shaming others.

When I told my husband that story, he said, one is never happy away from home and we've been away forever.
Will we ever be back? :/

This song melts my soul.

Post Soviet Kitsch Again

I used to quote Regina Spektor's lyrics, but lately I have kind of forgotten her. The other day I found a new video of her show in Moscow and was very excited to watch and listen, but was quite disappointed. Because I did not see or hear same Regina - emotional, excited and happy like we all remember her at Lollapalooza 2007. I know people change, time changes and older you get, more money you need, but I didn't like that show, just being honest.
I expected something different, with more quality; one more thing that annoyed me was that she sat or stood too far from public which made the atmosphere not Reginalike at all. I believe when you are a live musician and performer who usually communicates with people, you should be closer with them and make them feel comfortable.
Maybe not for Moscow public but for me it is very important - to have communication with artist, that's why I usually go to shows or watch videos. I need to be close to people to feel them, if you know what I mean, for that people should let you closer and not sit away.

Regina Spektor is one of very few artists who had extraordinary life, emigrating from Soviet Union to America, going through problems that many of my friends have gone and found herself in music which has always been her passion and she's definitely great at.
She's one of those people you would like to be friends and go out for a walk. One that doesn't need to talk much, but look at you with her deep and clear blue eyes and make your day.
I've always liked her, perhaps because I've kind of associated myself with her - also loving Russian poetry and having this post soviet trauma that nobody will be able to overcome.

Mentioning this trauma, who knows, maybe it was all about Moscow and her childhood demons, that she couldn't open up and be the Regina we've all known. These demons are larger than life, I know that and don't judge anyone, I just wanted to see and enjoy my favourite artist who is like nobody else in this business of cheap and shallow.

Mummy concerns

We, new mums, are so paranoid. Well, I really am.
Ezra doesn't sleep and fusses at night - my heart goes down.
Ezra sleeps 6-7 hours stretch at night and 2 hours nap by day - I am peeking in the room hundreds of times to check if he's breathing.
Ezra doesn't eat - terrified.
Ezra eats a lot - also terrified.
Sneezes - GOSH!
Coughs - Ezra, what's that? Why are you coughing???

Are you all mums, more or less, like that?

Mother's job must be the hardest because no other job has your blood and bones, no other job melts your heart. Admit it, most people only work for money, if it wasn't about that, no one would get up in the cold winter morning and drove to the office or anywhere else, rather stay in bed, have a tea or coffee in peace and surf internet whole day. And cuddle with the warm and lovely baby.
Yeh, G-d has cursed the human race for good to work their guts out.

Ezra's friend from Ikea

Anyway.
I AM HAPPY.
I have the best job in the world.

MUST Parve Dessert

As my husband jokes, there's nothing more tragic for an yiddishe man, than to be "Fleischig" the rest of the day.

I love meat. Especially beef. My husband prefers fish, but loves meat the way I cook too. I take all the credit here - I am not a good baker definitely, but I love making meat, it always comes out good. And I don't do anything special, I just have the right feeling how to roast onions and garlic before adding meat.

Today was the day when I cooked chicken breasts.
(My quick recipe goes like this: take a big pan, roast 5 onions and 2 cloves of garlic (if you are fond of it, have more) in rapeseed oil (or any other oil). Cut 3 medium breasts of chicken into small pieces and pour in the pan after onions and garlic are roasted, add 2 cups of water and let it boil. Before chicken is finally boiled, pour half cup of tomato juice, let it boil a minute, add salt and pepper to taste.)

It doesn't end here though. You can't just cook chicken breasts for dinner, you need to make something for dessert. Something which won't be dairy because we can't eat dairy after meat, have to wait 6 hours before that. As usual in Judaism, everything is harder for men - they have so much mitzvot to keep and never get leniency; it's only different with pregnant or breastfeeding women, who can eat dairy after meat in an hour's time.

Since I've been married and started cooking and baking, my biggest headache have been desserts. I learned how to bake brownies, banana chocolate chip cake, ultimate chocolate cake (fancy this "ultimate" word, don't really know what makes it ultimate though), American apple pie (with 300 grams of butter in it and your flat will smell like butter for a week), lemon bundt cake...
The problem is to find a Parve recipe, cake or pie without dairy ingredients, rather finding is not a problem, but the taste is - nothing comes out as delicious as with dairy products, I believe.

(Anyway, here's the recipe of the Raspberry-Apple crumble... I mean,Raspberry-Blueberry-Strawberry one. I didn't have Granny Smith apples and nutmeg that were in the original recipe, so I made it my way.
Defrost one package (400grams) of frozen raspberry-blueberry-strawberry mix or use fresh and drain it. Then pour two cups of flour and one cup of sugar and mix them together in a bowl, cut in one cup of margarine and make crumbles by hand.
Preheat the oven at 180c.
Put some crumbles on the bottom of the round spring pan and press with fingers a little. Add drained fruits. The rest of the crumbs go on top.
Bake for 25 minutes. If you like your crumble drier and fruits transformed into jam, leave it in the oven for 40 minutes (from my failure experience which actually came out quite fine) ).

Now, it's worth to become Fleischig for 6 hours, isn't it?

Still so much to achieve - Hasta La Victoria Siempre?

In 2011 I had almost everything planned including wedding and pregnancy. I had made notes that I'd do this and that at this or that time, and I actually made it. There were even things coming true that I had in mind, but did not quite long for so for 2012 I made no plans whatsoever. Probably that's why it was most complicated and spontaneous year.

The best moment of 2012 was Ezra's birth. Although, surprisingly, on 37th week with odd water breaking and labour so quick nobody believes when I tell. It is genetic, don't be jealous. My mum had me in two hours after contractions and my youngest aunt had her second child in an hour after contractions started.
There were ups and downs, Ezra was colicky nearly four months and sometimes he wouldn't nap the whole day, or he had to be nursed every 1,5-2 hours which made me feel like a milk factory. Plus I had my moments that I call Postpartum Sophression, I hadn't realised that I was mum and my life had changed for ever. I wanted to be free and wild as before, write whenever I liked, read and enjoy my morning coffee in peace. In short, I hadn't prepared myself for motherhood properly.
In July my husband's grandmother passed away. She was the smartest and wittiest old lady I've met. She was 80, lived in Israel and visited us for wedding, that's when I met her for the first and last time. You've probably never seen an old lady so content and full of life, but illness never asks about that, does it? She never got to see Ezra, only his pictures that she loved to look at.
In Autumn my husband started a new well paid job, but you know nobody pays you well in this capitalistic world for nothing, he had to work very hard and was stressed most of the time. It also happened that my father in law passed away right after Yom Kippur which was something whole family had to cope with. We're still recovering.

I think I only wrote "downs", but there were "ups" too.
My mum came and stayed with us for 1,5 months, I don't know how I could have managed without her. Hashem, give her long and healthy life!!! 
I also started to enjoy being mum after 3-4 months, when Ezra became little human rolling and cuddling, laughing and babbling around. I loved and still love breastfeeding. I consider it most beautiful and strong gift that G-d has given to women. No matter how hard it is, being a woman, experiencing period or labour pains, we still have this awesome strength to bring lives in the world, feed them and comfort them like no-one else, so who remembers the hard parts?
In August we went to Rammenau, which is a little peaceful village near Dresden and Sächsische Schweiz (meaning Sachsonian Switzerland). We rented a little cute country house with beautiful green garden where we could breathe a fresh air so needed after living in a city.
Last but not least, in Autumn we had our great festivals, Ezra's first Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and Simchat Torah. Jewish festivals are not easy if you're observant, but as they are family focused and teaching what is really important in this world, makes everything special.

I guess that was all about 2012. I am glad it is over and looking forward for future. Future always is or must be better than past.

As for 2013 I need to make some planning so it doesn't slip through my fingers like 2012.

1. I must lose weight - I weighed 65 kilos when got pregnant and don't ask me how much I gained :| after giving birth I lost quite quickly, but now I have gained it back I guess and weigh 76 kilos, which is scary. I got such broad shoulders like a weight pusher and legs like football player. Seriously.
2. Blog more and seriously - this word "seriously" already makes me giggle, but let's hope, ok?
3. Work out - not only to keep in shape, but my doctor recommended because I've been having pain in my back since pregnancy. It's because of the relaxed muscles that prepare for child delivery.
4. Learn to knit socks - for that I need my mum to visit us again. Online lessons are not for me.
5. Be nice to people - especially to the ones I don't like. It is very easy to be nice with beloved ones, evil people can do that too.
6. Try to learn more kodesh - TaNaCh.
7. Read more books in Hebrew - to Ezra.
8. Complete my German course.
9. Learn how to take nice photos - this is a challenge for me. Even though I got a new camera for my birthday, haven't found time or patience to read the manual anyway :D
10. Give as much LOVE LOVE LOVE as possible - to my husband, Ezra, my mum, my in-laws and friends (real or online ones).