Friday, December 31, 2010

Languages He understands

(This photo has nothing to do with the post, I just feel like Julie Delpy)


Last update for the year 2010.

Some celebrate New Year and I will celebrate Shabbat tonight. The day of the week when everything stops and all is dedicated to G-d, family and dear people. I don't know what would I be doing without Shabbat, and I cannot either think how I used to live without it. It's the day when I forget about mundane problems and stay alone with Hashem. That's when I can talk to Him openly and tell how I feel, what I want and where I want to be. It is also funny that I always speak to G-d in Georgian when I am sad, in Russian when I am mad, and in English when I feel lonely. He knows every language as you might have guessed.
Although it does not always work that way. Sometimes I do not speak to Him on Shabbat. Because I sleep and sleep all the time, especially if I am sad and blue.

It is not about talking, you know.
Or maybe it is.
It is.
Yes.
Sometimes you need to speak I can't fight it, can I?

Anyways.
I just have decided that I am fictional diarist and that is the genre I'd like to take for my writing. I mean I have already taken it for most of my stories are like diaries.
Wish me luck so my book shall be published soon.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

To teenagers and old people

I love waking up when everyone else is asleep. Then I can come downstairs, drink my milk coffee and look out the window.
So quiet and dark.
5:56 am.

My teenage friend Rebekka saw the movie "Into The Wild" and was full of emotions, impressions yesterday. She asked me if it's true that "Happiness is only real when shared"? I suddenly realized that yes, that's what it is actually.
I've been asked what is the stable character trait I've got, I hesitated a little and answered, that it is optimism that I never lose.
Not only optimism.
Empathy.
And now Rebekka actually made me think that I am only happy if my friends, my fellow Jews are happy. Not only Jews really. How can I be happy if my old Kurdish neighbour in Georgia is miserable? Or how can I rejoice if I knew my Georgian childhood friend was unhappy?

Man is not an island, is it?

I am so influenced by the media even though I try to resist.
Yesterday I was thinking how I hate fur and diamonds. So many animals and children are killed because of those luxurious things. Once I told this to my eldest cousin and she looked at me worried: "Sophie, you cannot feed the whole world. Don't think so much."
I can't. Compassion is in my blood.
Remember, I have often said that I wish I was shallower and little stupid girl for my life would have been much easier? I never really meant it. Because it would have never been real me if I were happy-go-lucky with the world vanity.

Thank you, Rebekka Averbach, for that. Now when my mum asks me why do teenagers and old people love me so much, I know what to answer: Ma, it's because I share their happiness as well as their misery.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Argentina dreams. La razon de la Vida

Water Dream by Thomas Neil

What we had in common - our restlessness, our impassioned spirits, and a love for the open road.

Ernesto Che Guevara "Motorcycle Diaries"



Argentina. Buenos Aires.
I had a dream last night. Not realistic at all if you compare sunny Argentina to snowy and freezing Germany where I've been living almost a year.
It is all about Che Guevara who is one of my favourite people who have really inspired me to have free spirit, be not afraid of obstacles, don't rest while I am alive and go for it. Frida Kahlo would have also advised me that: Viva La Vida. No?
Isn't it amazing that these South Americans have such desire for life, love and everything that is worth to be in this world? Even though their economy is terrible, corruption and drug business is blossoming. They still do not give up: dance, sing and believe in positivity.

Whenever I feel solitude I write letters to Che Guevara and Klara Zetkin. Probably because there will be no answer back, plus I know there is some part of them in me I could trust. And it is so symbolic that one is from Argentina and the other - from Germany. My life is so full of specific reasons, isn't it? I wish I could name it somehow: "La Razon De La Vida Del Sol"?

Yesterday when I was walking in the snow and got frozen all over, I was thinking, merde, do I have to die so young and restless just from the cold? I exaggerated a bit, all right.
Although it does not even matter if you die as long as you know the reason of it.
Reason you are dead because of searching for something real and FUN.

Monday, December 27, 2010

God took the stars

This song got my heart and soul.


Sunday, December 26, 2010

Lemon tea and Torah portion


One more Sunday. What a miracle :)

Just finished my second cup of lemon tea and Torah portion. I did not know that some commentators translate צפרדע as a crocodile. I still prefer classic Rashi, plus frogs are my favourite animals or whatever you call them. What I mostly like is that all the Jewish prophets were human which gives us strength to strive to become like them. I remember rabbi Halpern telling us that Torah is a life book with ordinary people who have suffered, loved, experienced all kind of human feelings which shows us they were no divine creatures. We are same, aren't we? Sometimes I feel so connected to those people I see beautiful and wise Sarah smiling at her baby son or my favourite Jacob blessing his grandchildren like his own.

Berlin is as snowy as it can be. Freezing and my street is empty after holiday.
By the way I was thinking yesterday how lucky Jesus is to have so many people to celebrate his birthday. I would like to talk to him actually, he must have been charismatic personality indeed. Or his lobbyist Saul-Paul was at least. Anyway, it is good if people really believe in values like loving and helping each other, appreciating one G-d and His creation. I like life and the world because of its colourfulness of religions, traditions, cultures. I cannot imagine world without them all.

To resume with my favourite rabbi Halpern's words again, one should never be embarrassed to show its kindness, love and gratefulness to people, and to Hashem for sure. And SMILE! Not just smile, but smile with all your heart and mind. Rather laugh, laugh out your guts because life is what you make it.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I capture the castle


The movie I've recently seen is this British drama "I capture the castle" with Romola Garai and Rose Byrne in it. Natalia recommended it to me for she knows how much I adore Romola. But I should say that in this case I liked Rose Byrne more. I think it is one of her good roles and she fits so well into this shallow and silly character of Rose Mortmain. Romola was less sympathetic in this movie probably because she played teenage girl even though she has always looked much older, and is indeed more matured than her older sister. I also did not click to Henry Thomas - who will always remain the "E.T" sweet boy. He looks like an old youngster which is kind of scary.


I loved Bill Nighy though. He is something and Britain should be proud of him. He's got very fascinating, extraordinary character which makes everyone watch his movies.

Still movie was worth to see for beautiful green scenery, Romola's inspiring radio voice, redhead Rose Byrne, their crazy stepmother and music which makes it easier in the end.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Quote of the day

"Yeah, life's too short. We have to love each other."

Drew Barrymore

With Justin Long

Drew and Courtney Love

Drew with the sweet "Grey's anatomy's" cast

Penelope Cruz and Drew

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Fitzwilliam, you silly moody bum!

Elizabeth Bennet By Colleen Coover


One man's ways may be as good as another's, but we all like our own best.
Jane Austen


Happy Birthday, dear Jane!!! You're 235 now and I am 25, what a nice age to sit and talk about it. We could've drunk some tea and laughed about silly men.
I've been told I am like Elizabeth Bennet :/ I kinda like it and not very much at the same time. She was not an easy one, was she? With her unusual attitude, wit and irony. I am not ironic, I try not to be at least, I just can't stop being honest. And Mr. Darcy is being quite harsh on me too. He never smiles and pretends he's not looking at me whenever I turn to him. Boy. Life is so complicated and people just love to make it even more so. Don't even dare to tell me, oh, it is supposed to be that way, what did you expect? I hate that. What did I expect? Fun, Sun and Love. Didn't you?

I think this Shabbat is going to be little boring for me because of Rebekka, the friend of mine, will not be able to be there :/ I am not excited at all. I hope tomorrow will feel better, but right now listening to 'the Goo Goo Dolls' and the world feels so far away from me.
I think I am having some kind of nervous breakdown today, ain't I? Sometimes I feel that life is not fair. Not fair at all. And I am going to do something about it. I cannot sit still and wait for fate you know. I need to get up and walk like Elizabeth Bennet used to do. I need to be there where justice and truth are!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Crazy lioness in Leipzig

This Shabbat I spent in Leipzig with the other Midrasha girls. It was assfreezing cold as I call it. Before the train came Liora and I were running up and down the stairs to keep warm. Plus we had woken up at 6 in order to get at the train station on time so you can imagine how much colder we felt. Anyway.
The story goes like this: It takes an hour to get to Leipzig. It was freezing cold (I know I've already said it but can't stop really) and the snow unbearable. We left our luggage at the youth centre where we were to stay for Shabbat and head to the Panoramic Museum. This museum is outstanding (my new favourite word), staff very smily and friendly, I even practiced my German with one of them. Oh, and what we saw was Amazonia - giant trees, millions of species of butterflies which live in the Amazon jungles, different plants and flowers, my lovely poisonous frogs, bugs and all you could wish. Amazonia became my place to go for honeymoon. No kidding. Who can be better to go there with but your husband anyway?

As for Shabbat - it was nice as usual. We had lots of laugh, nice food, singing and little melancholy. I always feel melancholy wherever I go. I mean, sometimes I just can't explain my feelings. Torah does explain it all, but I am not in the mood to write about it. This melancholy will last until I am with THE person who I can be silent with and not talk. Talking spoils it all I believe. Why should we speak and show off our intellect, our knowledge in this and that, wouldn't it be nicer to look at each other, smile and go to Amazonia?


Found this photo of Drew Barrymore which is from one of her best movies "Grey Gardens" and it just reminded myself getting back from Leipzig, looking out the train window and wondering, where am I going and who am I? Am I ever going to answer these questions? I really, truly long for Mashiach to come. This eternal wandering (you can read it as wOndering as well) is killing me.

Have a good week!!! Never mind what I write here, I'll be just fine in a minute. I am this crazy lioness who groans and roars, but in the end of the day turns into sweet and caring one sitting on the couch :)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Guard the portals of your mouth

My previous post was so crybabyish, oh, nobody remembered my birthday, nobody did this, nobody did that. Actually they did afterwards :-) Sarah Nachum bought me a funny lovely green hat, Miriam got an English-Deutsch Wörterbuch for me, so in a year's time I should be very fluent in German (that's my goal), then Rina left chocolates and lovely note in my room. I am glad because they did it without reading my blog. Oh, last but not least, this lovely Israeli girl Yifat who takes amazing pictures screamed "Happy Birthday" to me in her little town Wismar :-) Yes life is worth it after all.

Photo by Yifat Ouzan

I got an e-mail today from Ita, my teacher, she sent me very interesting article about the power of speech and silence as well. Here's the quote from that article I loved it very much: "From that which lies within your bosom [i.e. your soul], guard the portals of your mouth" (Michah 7:5). I definitely needed this quote of Michah to understand that I cannot and should not say anything is in my heart or soul. We live in such difficult times that we are told by everyone we should speak out our minds and all, but in reality one should always keep something to prevent hurting someone afterwards. You know why have I come to this? After reading my previous post I realized that I am not perfect myself and might sometimes hurt others, or forget things. Or G-d just wanted to show me how sad it is to feel lonely so I should never, NEVER, forget to care about others. Lesson is learned, dear Hashem. Thanks for that. And thanks to all the girls for cheering me up the other day.

And it snows like has never snowed before...


Monday, December 6, 2010

Drop that juice!


Drop that juice, baby!

I love myself so much that believe others do so too.
Freak.
I sat and cried like a baby because nobody gave a single bloody birthday card to me today. Nobody tried to write on some lousy paper just saying, have fun, Soph, love you and stick it on my door. It's not that I am so desperately in need of some human recognition. No, I am in desperate need of some f-ing love because I always love others. I know life is not causal at all and not everyone grew up reading Salinger and Freud. I know that, I wish I did not though. My life would have been much easier and shallower.

I am happy. Really. It'll pass in an hour because I believe in what I do and not what others do. In other words, I'll keep on.

So, no orange juice, Marilyn, honey! Only the real thing!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My Lover's On The Pier

That's how I feel right now that my lover's on the pier...
I love Syd Matters.


Monday, November 29, 2010

Don't let anyone bring you down


We had this conversation on Shabbat about being foreigner and its advantages. One girl said that it's really cool because nobody labels you and no-one tells you what you should have achieved so far. Then we discussed the choice of our lives to be observant Jews and keeping all the commandments. I said that all of us have come to this point of life when everyone understood lifechange was necessary so what is the better place than our midrasha? This girl agreed and added that it is still very difficult to define what one wants and if one chooses the right thing for the reality is different from as we imagine it.
Ok. What did I answer? You know me. I did not hesitate and said that WE MAKE OUR REALITY, and I personally don't let the system get me down if you know what I mean. Life is what you make it, isn't it?

And today I found this book in the Midrasha library, "Let's face it" by Tzipporah Heller and Sara Yocheved Rigler. Even though I am not very fond of this kind of books, I liked lots of ideas in it. One of the issues was exactly 'my' subject of making one's own world and reality. Nobody is saying that you should separate yourself from the society or public life, but you should not let anything spoil your goals and belief. Imagine if Jews have ever surrendered, where could've led it us anyway? NOWHERE!!!

So don't let anyone say that you are old-fashioned, or too smart (been through this), don't let anyone bring you down just because you don't fit in a popular culture frame!!! Just believe in One G-d, and your abilities of changing yourselves and the world you are living in!
I believe. I always have, Baruch Hashem!!!
Of course I am not constantly happy; get sad and get lots of problems to solve, but in the end of the day I know WHO I stand with and WHAT I stand for.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Quote of the day


Imperfection is beauty. Madness is genius. And its better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.

Marilyn Monroe

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Soul Asylum

My mother hates this kind of guys. She says they look like drug addicted and irresponsible British rock stars :lol: even though these b^&(s are from the US and I love this song. Runaway train, that used to be me. The love I ever felt was for this kind of train and gosh, what use can train have if it is not running away?


Monday, November 15, 2010

Runaway

Seymour Glass is the only suicidal man I love. And you know why did he do it? Because he had seen it all, he had loved people, read all the books, and just decided to go there where he would feel better. I think I would never be friends with Seymour for I would have fallen in for him and could've not noticed his deep spirituality. I am designed for Buddy who is crazy, witty and little clumsy comparing to Seymour.

Anyway (say it in New Zealandish accent), Monday's fading away and what I have learned today is that life is not causal, damn it, it is rough. I posted about Drew Barrymore on my Georgian blog, about her sad eyes in her new movie "Going the distance" and what I mostly wrote about her was meant for myself.

Seriously, I looked in the mirror yesterday and it was some strange woman looking at me with her red eyes and crazy hair (need to dye soon).
Although I look very fine on the photos even I could have not guessed what's wrong with me, but there is something wrong. I feel like a mouse in a cage, you know the one that is running, running and still remains there?
Because right now I don't know where to run. I have no particular place to call home :| For I do not feel home anywhere :/ As my old story's character Sunny would have said: 'Nothing is worse than being a flower cut off its roots and placed in a vase.'
Yes, I still miss my Georgia very much.


Saturday, November 13, 2010

Looking into the dark


Looking out the window today I realized that I am afraid
Afraid of something I am not.
Not what others want me to
To be supersmart.
Supersmart who is so tired of people looking.
Looking into the dark and seeing the same face
Face that is getting old day by day.
Days change into the nights
Nights were never my favourite.

I thought I could not write anymore.
Thank G-d I can.

(Ane Brun on the photo)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Le Fille Sur Le Pont

Daniel Auteuil and Vanessa Paradis in "Le Fille Sur Le Pont" (Girl on the bridge)

Oh, it's Tuesday which means tomorrow is Wednesday, then Thursday and soon Friday. Friday counts as Shabbat. And Shabbat means home cooked food, interesting conversation with the host family and no connection to any electric stuff. What a righteous person I am, gosh. Well, you know my spirituality, if I always talk about it you'll go crazy so let me be funny and shallow tonight. I sound like blonde :D

Daryl Hannah

This week is being quite good actually. Don't feel sleepy anymore, but have been thinking about this crazy T-shirt Daryl Hannah wore back in 90's. It's absolutely crazy but I see old men and think, hell, do they also need love? Probably they do :/

Winona Ryder and Richard Gere in "Autumn in New York"

I admit that I like men with little grey hair like of that Richard Gere or most amazing French actor Daniel Auteuil who has performed millions of different roles in French movies and still is so unique with his "adrienbrodyish" nose and grey hair. I've learned that women have different attitudes (if you say so, Soph) between and during their period cycles. That is world known fact that women depend on the Moon more than any other human being. So I should go and check out where the moon is standing right now. For it really makes me wonder why have I started to think about dirty old men's love problems? Who cares. I know no old man, do I? At least no-one with grey hair like Richard Gere. Oh my! I wish I did.
Dear Doctor Freud, can I come in? ;)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

To Teddy and David

Sometimes I feel like all the Salinger characters taken together: Holden, Seymour, Teddy, Franny, Buddy... Gosh.
I did not go to the Smiths' today. I did not feel well, I wanted to stay home, have beer and read something from Salinger. I had missed him.

So I reread "Teddy". You know what kills me in it? Episode when Teddy's talking to the big guy and tells him how he found out about G-d's existence: He was 6 and saw his sister drinking milk. So he realized there must have been God in that milk and in his sister too. I just could not read it without my heart trying to jump out my chest. Boy, is Teddy amazing!
I don't know when I realized there was G-d. I think I was younger and my nanny read a story of David and Goliath to me - so I thought there should have been SOMEONE who would dwell in David's heart and mind to encourage him to defeat the huge enemy.

I think Teddy and I had the same experience, he saw God in the milk and I saw Him in 'little' David's heart which probably was trying to jump out as mine did today while reading "Teddy".

After reading it I could not stay in my room anymore. So I went downstairs at the Garretts' (this lovely young couple from the States). She was cooking for Shabbos with Rachel and I wasn't in time I guess. I walked here and there, said this and that, and I was about to leave when I decided to tell the story of Teddy to Michal and Rachel. That's how our conversation started. She told me how she feels about G-d, then her husband came home and we asked his opinion for he is very intelligent person. But he's a rabbi-to-be and I don't feel very comfortable speaking out my mind with him.

When I left I felt little sad. What if I should have not brought up "Teddy" at all? I am afraid that people will think of me as this smart but crazy person who reads Salinger like mad and sees G-d in the milk and David's heart. The problem is that I am little crazy and I would have never had this personality that I have now without reading Biblical stories in my childhood and Salinger in my adolescence.

But this is not all.
After leaving the Garretts' apartment I logged on Facebook and saw Rebekka's message. She sent me the link to her blog. Man! She is just unbelievable or I just want her to be so. She might be reminding me of my "Holden Caulfield" childhood and all those things that used to inspire me. Whatever it is I could never imagine that it was possible to have such thoughts and be able to express them so well.

I had a wonderful day I have to say.
Day full of learning, thinking and finding Teddy in my room dwelling in the book and waiting for me to open it up. So I did.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

November Rain & French Breakfast


It has just started to rain. Yes, my first November rain of the year. Axl Rose would've loved it. Maybe he still does. But now I'm listening to Martina McBride.

This rain makes me want to run away to Paris. I have this crazy idea of French Breakfast with someone who I could talk to and laugh out my guts. It is not even about having breakfast with the character of my novels you know. Or maybe it is :/

Friday, October 29, 2010

Wishlist of the people to talk to


This week has been pretty good. I've been learning "Shmuel" (Prophet Samuel's book), Kings' and been thinking how amazing should King Solomon had been.
Do you know what amazes me? That he had so many wives and women slaves.
No wonder all his wives were happy, even the 700th one. Although I think he could not know all of them in person because logically he would not have time to have relationship with everyone. There are much less days in a year than the quantity of his wives and women slaves in general.
In addition with that King Solomon was a great ruler and composed amazing writings. He just could not had had the time for all.

So now it explains my worries about polygamy.

Can you imagine to be someone's 700th wife? I can't. I would have killed them all total 699, and then would choke my husband with too much love.

But King Shlomo was THE King Shlomo and not the boy next door. There has never been a man like him and I very much doubt that there will ever be.

You know I have a list of the Biblical characters who I would like to meet and now King Solomon is the leader of it. There are Jacob, Moses, Judith, Ruth, Sarah, King David and Ibn Ezra (he is not Biblical figure though) also in the list. Sometimes I wish so much I could meet one of them and talk. I believe they would understand my points of view - people never change even from the times of Abraham and Sarah; human heart and soul stay the same, it's just the environment that changes.

SHABBAT SHALOM!!!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

My Important Life

I can't write as I used to. I think I get so tired and overwhelmed during the day that I have no emotions left to write them down afterwards.

Waking up in the morning, davening, breakfast and shiurim (lectures) right away. Then 4 hours break and shiurim again. Sometimes I find myself in a situation when I can't even think. I had a conversation with Pessy (former madricha from Israel) the other day and we came to this conclusion: the seminary environment is not natural. Our life is not what real life is. We're having intense trainings all day long and at night when we go to sleep, we sleep like logs. All these days we spend in here are full of emotions which develop inside and often we forget the outside. You know what I mean? I don't know if we forget and who is this "we", gosh. I should only speak about myself. Ok, I forget. Then I demand love and understanding from others without realizing that my point of view is not universal as well as my education. Others haven't got the opportunities I have had in my life or not all of them were brought up with Biblical stories about little brave David shooting Goliath off. And even if some people had had that opportunity - not everyone uses it as I do. That's how I try to cope with problems inside my mentality and seminary life as it is. I keep telling myself: Sophie, you're what you are but others don't (can't) have to be as you want them to be.

There are days when I feel so tired and emotionally exhausted that I think I'm going to break down. But then the shiurim again inspire and give strength to climb up the mountain called: Torah learning.

Oh, LORD!
"...may my life be important in the eyes of Hashem, and may He save me from all misfortune." (Samuel I)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Dreaming about Dodge Challenger

Dedicated to all the stunt women in the world

Zoe doing most crazy stunt job

Zoe also doubled Uma Thurman and Vivika A. Fox in "Kill Bill"

My late love is Zoe Bell, the toughest stunt woman from New Zealand. She just rocks in Quentin Tarantino's "Death Proof". Man, does she kick ass! Plus she has this harsh voice with super lovely New Zealand accent. Gosh. Why wasn't I born over there?

My baby Dodge Challenger 1971

"Evil Mike" by Kurt Russell

Rosario playing Abernathy Ross

Anyway. Zoe Bell is one of the reasons I watched "Death Proof". I've never been Tarantino's big fan, but have to admit that he's got a huge mind.
This movie has it all: action, music, crazy girls, Kurt Russell playing evil guy; Rosario Dawson has the best monologues, and she's so natural. I've always loved her. I mean everyone is cool in this movie as Tarantino himself. You know sometimes you just need to get on top and ride the dodge challenger like these girls do.
Oh, if I ever drive a car it should be JUST that, you hear?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Puppy love

Sharon Osbourne

Drew Barrymore as Sharon Osbourne on SNL - she's way too cute for sure.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Like an Apple

Tea for one

I still haven't learned to keep calm when people do not behave well. I don't show it, I just leave the room and walk to and fro until my anger passes away. Today I felt that I was so small like an apple. It is always a problem. Feeling small and helpless. Miriam Masha (The teacher) spoke about 'emmuna and bitachon' (faith and trust) today, and it sounded so familiar to me, but sometimes I forget it. I lose bitachon. When I lose it I lose myself as well. I become like some strange person walking in my body and the soul as a trapped animal. Imagine how is it to feel like you are an apple: green, fresh, juicy, but small.

Maybe I should visit a psychoanalyst at last and not to rely only on my own analysis. That's how it all starts - being an apple and then becoming Napoleon the Bonaparte ;) Ok, now I am joking.

I miss my home.
I miss things like coming back home from the University and buying bread.
I miss sitting in my kitchen in the morning, listening to the radio and writing.
It is not a regular missing. No. It is something different. Really.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

What's Going On?

What else can I say? Here is the song, here are the lyrics and here is my life. My 25 years of waking, sleeping and asking myself: What's goin' on???



25 years and my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this
Brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry somethimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
And I'm, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on
And I say hey....
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey....
I said hey what's goin' on
Oooh....
Oooh....
And I try, oh my God do I try
I try all the time
In this institution
And I pray, oh my God do I pray
I pray every single day
For a revolution
And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
And I'm, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin'on
And I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
I said hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
And I say hey what's goin' on
And I say hey...
I said hey what's goin' on
Oooh....
25 years and my life is still
trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Come closer, don't be shy

Ok, I have always been fond of Scarlett Johansson, not of her singing though. Especially when she covered Tom Waits. But more I listen more I like it. She sings from the depth of her lungs, doesn't she? And it must be very hard. It is always hard to cover someone great while you're a petite blonde girl with big boobs. I can't actually tell what it's like for I am none - neither petite blonde nor with big boobs, I'm just guessing.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Hands and whiskey


I think I'm going crazy. I need to step back and slap myself, you know what I mean? I should stop thinking.

I'm still sick. I've been sick forever I guess. Cold. Sore throat. Sore nose. Sor-e-ority.

Oh, I have a new character for my novel - a tall guy with long hands walking down my street and rocking his hands to and fro. Seriously. I wish I could jump out the window and have whiskey with him in the leftist bar around the corner. I am not quite sure (and never will be probably) whether he is red or not, but I like his hands. I love hands.

I told you I am going crazy.

Monday, September 20, 2010

I want my BACK back

Sometimes it's crazy what you may see from your window. I haven't even looked out today, I just mean it in a metaphoric way. Window is like a heart or soul, I look into it and try to catch it, but can't. This window is so slippery. Have you seen this Marquez-book-like dreams? I have - swimming in the violet sea and seeing dead people in it. I mean not dead literally, they were swimming and all just not knowing they're dead. So I closed my window and went to sleep.

Oh, how am I really doing? Had a terrible back ache yesterday. I had it coming. I was standing whole day on Yom Kippur and was even proud of myself for being so strong. Remember, never overestimate your powers! That's what I've been doing for life and it always ends with back ache and stressful mood. Plus I've got one of my contact lenses ripped and have to buy new one. This is depressing, I thought it would last for 3 months. But who cares about lenses, I wish my back ache passes soon.

Been listening to Lily Allen today. Time to go out for a walk and exercise my poor back a bit.


Friday, September 17, 2010

Tight me up! :P

Tactless people are killin' me. Really. Somebody told me the other day that I am being tight about some things. I did not know what to answer. Usually I try to laugh when I'm embarrassed, but this time I could not laugh either. It was not only about me, but about Georgia where I come from. Even now when I'm calmer just can't think of a proper answer to that not-very-nice comment.

It's Yom Kippur very soon. I forgive that one for hurting my feelings and calling me "tight". And I hope and ask Hashem never ever put me in a situation like that when I have no words to reply because if I would I could've crashed all. Not very good solution for G-d fearing person. I also hope I am not tactless and if I ever was, I am so sorry and FORGIVE ME, please!

Anyway.

When I get older I will be stronger ;) :D I can't stop listening to this:


Wednesday, September 8, 2010

שנה טובה ומתוקה

Yes, it's been a year.
Quite a long and important year. Remember my Rosh Hashanah last year? It was one of the best days of my life and I'll never forget it.

This year is very different. I am different too. It's been total 6 months I study at the midrasha. It was September 24th when I arrived in Berlin for the first time and that's when all the changes began. It was difficult in the beginning, I needed quite a time to adjust and get used to Germany. And here I am now after a year, waiting for Rosh Hashanah and thinking about my past year, future plans and the life choice. My mother used to tell me that one should grab a chance and make the right choice before it fades away. I guess I was always a good daughter listening to my mother... even though she wanted me to become a career woman, I still grabbed a chance and made this choice of becoming religious Jew and keeping all the commandments with joy and happiness.

I very much hope to improve my character this year, to work on my negative features; be more patient, and less emotional than I am now. I also hope to be forgiven by all the people who I have accidentally hurt. You know I love you all, I love the whole wide world for it is the place that Almighty G-d created for us and now it is absolutely up to us how to take care of it and each others.

Do you also think that I grew old? Lots of people who I had not seen for a long time and meet me now keep telling me that I have changed a lot, and there's something womanish in me :) funny, isn't it? I think it was time for me finally to become womanish. Sunny girl should be left in the past and I should move on and on.

May you all have sweet and meaningful New Year!!! My special love and best of brachot to family Rosenblatt in Tbilisi - last Rosh Hashanah will remain in my heart forever. THANK YOU!

שנה טובה ומתוקה

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Like Liz Wurtzell

I'm back in Berlin. It's my third arrival and second year in the midrasha. I feel like I'm thousand years old and I've seen it all. I never thought I'd feel this way. Berlin always makes me sad in the beginning before I get used to it - new people, new environment and new me. Yes, new ME. I change day by day so much that sometimes I can't recognize myself.

Before I left home I had conversation with my mother and I felt like Elizabeth Wurtzel in "Prozac Nation" - "I wanted to become something big and important, I wanted to be successful, but I just could not." I guess I felt little guilty before my mum who has always wanted me to be a career woman, and I don't know if I ever wanted the same. Anyway, she cheered me up saying that she's happy if I am happy.

It is so difficult to be completely happy, but I'm trying. I really do. DO YOU TOO?

Friday, July 30, 2010

Gael rocking in Georgia


When my Israeli friend told me that Gael Garcia Bernal is in Kazbegi taking part in a new movie, I was amazed. Although lots of movie stars have been visiting Georgia lately and it was not a big surprise to me.

"Bad education"

I have never been his fan and I don't even like how he played Che Guevara in the "Motorcycle diaries". You know when you love someone you have imagined him differently and suddenly comes this small Mexican boy and breaks down your socialistic dreams :) so I really wish to see Gael and talk about that movie, about his approach to Che's role and lots of other things ;)

"Y Tu Mama Tambien"

First movie that I saw was "Y Tu Mama Tambien" ('Your Mother Too') with Gael and Diego Luna. I loved Diego Luna in that movie and still think that he's more talented, but Gael has got different charm which Hollywood adores and that is the reason of his becoming a star out there.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Turquoise dreams


"La Piscine"

Sometimes I miss my father. I wish I knew him better. And whenever I miss him I watch Alain Delon's movies. He looked like Alain Delon very much, sometimes they have same look that breaks my heart. I have realized that every man who I either like or hate looks like my father. Freud was genius.

One and only ROMY SCHNEIDER

"La Piscine" (Swimming pool) - the turquoise 1969 movie of Jacques Deray with Alain Delon, Romy Schneider and young Jane Birkin.

Jane Birkin

It is not a movie to talk about, it is to see... to dive into late 60's and sadly remember that those years will never be back as my father is not to be freed from his demons. I have heard from many people how they wished to live in 60's, but I DO LIVE 60's for I have my own world where I can avoid everything and everyone and just swim in a Piscine of turquoise dreams.

10/10

Thursday, July 22, 2010

LIFE IS A MUSIC

Life is not only a movie. It is MUSIC!!! After 3 weeks of mourning I am so relieved and happy to listen to it. Oh, G-d, there's nothing more beautiful and inspiring as music.

I've never known that I loved music so much really. The last days of 9th Av week was very difficult for me only because I missed music and I did not know what to do. Actually it helped me to be sad and think about Beit Hamikdash.

Anyway, I am so happy to remember that there's always joy and G-d with stretching arm to save us.

I can't stop listening to Natalia Oreiro's "Rio de la plata" since yesterday. It has rhythm of my favourite South America and this song makes me feel all the pain of Uruguay and other Latin countries suffering from poverty and dictatorship. You know I don't mean Cuba for Castro is less dictator than any other president I believe.



Rio de la plata  

Con lagrimas en los ojos me fui alejando
Vivi lo duro que fue
Dejar todo atras
Mi gente mi barrio
Tener que marcharme sola
De mi tierra un dia
Cuando era una niña
Dejandolo todo
Por mis fantasias
Soy del rio de la plata
Corazon latino
Soy bien candombera
Llevo siempre una sonrisa
Con mi sueño a cuestas
No tengo fronteras
Soy del rio de la plata
Que viva el candombe de sangre caliente
Ritmo que me enciende el alma
Que brilla en los ojos de toda mi gente
Las lagrimas de mis ojos
Se fueron yendo
Vole por tantos caminos
Y sin darme cuenta
Casi toco el cielo
Hoy yo le canto al mundo
Con toda la fuerza
Que llevo aquí dentro:
Que vale la pena
Luchar por un sueño!!
Soy del rio de la plata
Corazon latino...
Cumplir un sueño
Te puede cambiar la vida
Creci
Buscando mi suerte
Sonañdo despierta
Y deshojando heridas
Hoy se que aunque fui tan lejos
Buscando un destino
Soy siempre la misma
Que llevo en el alma
Mi tierra querida
Soy del rio de la plata
Corazon latino
Soy bien candombera
Llevo siempre una sonrisa
Con mi sueño a cuestas
No tengo fronteras
Soy del rio de la plata
Que viva el candombe de sangre caliente
Ritmo que me enciende el alma
Que brilla en los ojos de toda mi gente

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A Single Man


Well, Tom Ford's intention was to become a gay Nabokov, - that was my first reaction after seeing this movie "A Single Man", where middle aged man likes younger guys even though avoids to have any sexual affair with them... so far. Colin Firth is brilliant as usual, I adore him and will never be able to judge him negatively. Julianne Moore also performs her role so well that will make you either cry or laugh endlessly.

One of the babyish boy flirting with the main character

Then I read Tom Ford's biography and it became clear to me where did he get the idea for this movie. Can't criticize him very much for he's tremendous designer and quite okay director. There are lots of intellectual symbols in this movie even though for some instance I wished Colin Firth's character to talk more about literature, life, society; but he never got a chance to finish his interesting opinions because some young gay boy would jump on him flirting and seducing.

One of the best shots in the movie: Hitchcock's "Psycho" as a background poster

Cast: Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, Colin Firth, Matthew Goode and two handsome fellas

You have to see it by yourselves. I felt really glad that could watch "A Single Man" and figure out my views not only about homosexual relationships, but about the meanings of other things such as - loyalty, education and hope.

Good job, Tom - 8/10.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

This isn't Paris. This is hell.

Jack:

"This isn't Paris. This is hell."

I knew Julie Delpy was extremely talented, but I would never imagine that "2 days in Paris" could be such an amazing movie. Imagine Julie has directed, written, produced and played main character in the movie. Oh, and she has also done some music for it. This movie is not only about relationship between french woman and american man, it is more than that. It's about life, about European problems of racism and especially french ones.

Looking for Jim Morrisson's tomb

Before I saw this movie I read that Julie Delpy has got American citizenship and has been living there for a long time. Although she has kept her French passport, she feels home in the Usa. One might not notice it, but you can tell that she despises lots of things in Paris and understands that it is not the way people should live. Julie's character is very emotional, very just and gets angry about people who do wrong. She's this sweet and little crazy girl Celine (from "Before Sunrise") who got older, but can't help to be a strong woman with attitude. Not only Celine, she's also Sophie if you'd like to know...

It's so funny when she calls him: BUBI

Not only being strong woman is a problem, but also being smart and outspoken. When I watched this movie I was amazed, man, it is so hard to find a guy you could talk to and that's why I haven't liked anyone lately. I mean, all those tricks and girl things are really disgusting and depressing, do you know what I'm saying? All those things one should do or should not on a date, to plan the conversation before, ask this, ask that, respond or not to... I guess this movie said everything I've ever wanted to say out loud - there are much more important things going on in the world and people just sit and waste their lives planning tricks and deceiving one another.

Bravo, Julie!
10/10

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Leap Year - about American women & Irish men


I can't understand why do all those successful American women leave everything behind for rude, hairy pub owner Irish men?


Yep. This movie "Leap year" is about an American redhead Anna who falls for Irish Declan (not easy name to pronounce), who is rude, eats like pig and never helps her to carry the luggage.



It's a typical American movie shot by English director Anand Tucker who's quite okay I would say. It will absolutely remind you the other American redhead woman vs Irish man movie "Laws of attraction".

So very Good_e, smoking, huh?

Still worth to see just for breathtaking scenery of Ireland, Amy Adams's childish yet very mature face and Matthew Goode - just another British bad boy with dark eyes and attractive smile.

5/10