Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Happiness or joy
Today was the day when Ezra acted like little me. I couldn't make him nap when he was supposed to, refused to nurse and all he wanted was to play and giggle. No nap means he becomes hyperactive and I have to keep up with him which is not that easy after being sleep deprived, and still loads of household stuff to do. That's when I think I am going to lose it whatever this might mean.
On days like today I just can't wait when evening comes and put baby to sleep so I can have some time for myself a bit.
After Ezra fell asleep today and I also took half an hour nap, sort of felt better and started to pick up the photos to make our family album. It's a shame that we haven't even done our wedding album but my husband's colleague did and gave us as a present. Her husband is an amateur but still takes amazing pictures, so they made an album for us which was very nice. More kudos to Germans, who are actually quite honest and nice people. Although two photos in this post were taken by my sweet friend from Bulgaria, Masha Vasileva.
I found myself smiling all the time when I looked at our wedding photos. I tend to forget what a beautiful day it was and how happy we were. Some say, happiness is temporary and what one must do is to be joyful - because that is eternal, but I think it was such a mesmerizing moment filled with happiness, joy, excitement and LOVE all the same that nothing could ever make it different.
It wasn't that long ago actually, year and a half, as a matter of fact, but sometimes it seems like it was centuries ago when we used to be young, beautiful and slim (talking about myself)...
Now I know, whenever I am tired or down, or just sick of this heavy world, I should look at those photos and make myself as sunny as I should be.
On days like today I just can't wait when evening comes and put baby to sleep so I can have some time for myself a bit.
After Ezra fell asleep today and I also took half an hour nap, sort of felt better and started to pick up the photos to make our family album. It's a shame that we haven't even done our wedding album but my husband's colleague did and gave us as a present. Her husband is an amateur but still takes amazing pictures, so they made an album for us which was very nice. More kudos to Germans, who are actually quite honest and nice people. Although two photos in this post were taken by my sweet friend from Bulgaria, Masha Vasileva.
I found myself smiling all the time when I looked at our wedding photos. I tend to forget what a beautiful day it was and how happy we were. Some say, happiness is temporary and what one must do is to be joyful - because that is eternal, but I think it was such a mesmerizing moment filled with happiness, joy, excitement and LOVE all the same that nothing could ever make it different.
It wasn't that long ago actually, year and a half, as a matter of fact, but sometimes it seems like it was centuries ago when we used to be young, beautiful and slim (talking about myself)...
Now I know, whenever I am tired or down, or just sick of this heavy world, I should look at those photos and make myself as sunny as I should be.
Monday, December 10, 2012
This year's sufganyiot
Remember I told you about my brother in law's birthday, which was on Friday? Well, his mother (who is my mother in law and Ezra's grandma obviously) baked such an amazing cake for him and brought over, in addition with that she had also baked couple of other cakes and cookies that it made perfect sense to me not to make sufganyiot this year. Not for my husband though. All right. He's usually right and I am not because I am so lazy when it comes to kitchen and baking. I'd rather be fooling around and entertaining people in the kitchen than standing there in apron and breathing burning oil. I am terrible baker.
My husband assured me that I had to make sufganyiot because he could not imagine Chanuka without them and it should be our tradition for future when Ezra grows up and iy''H, we have other children. Of course I agreed. Wasn't I also excited and happy when my mother or aunts baked cakes and cooked specific Georgian food on New Year (which was big deal in my childhood)? So I shouldn't be so selfish and scrooge, just because we had so much leftover from Ezra's uncle's birthday, it did not mean, sufganyiot could be skipped.
So I made them.
My mother in law came over to babysit Ezra and I got down to business named kneading a dough for sufganyiot. I made it after this recipe, I've done it last year too and they come out really good. Naturally, I made my favourite changes in the recipe: replaced milk with water (had no soy milk anyway), dry yeast with fresh one and used no eggs, because in the mixing part you just won't find where to add those eggs that are mentioned in the ingredients part. I think no eggs needed indeed, sufganyiot are perfectly fine without them. Then I filled them with strawberry jam and whole family loved them.
Now I feel better.
I think I am getting used to being a wife and mother, you know. I've always had this funny character that protested against everything and never really loved traditions or anything. So now when I am married to the orthodox man for whom family values come first, I think I might be becoming his total part in that, with help of Hashem.
I don't promise I am going to love kitchen and never leave it, but I start to enjoy it when I see my dear people enjoy what I cook and bake.
Aren't our dear people's feelings most important after all?
Chanuka Sameach! More to come, still loads of candles to light and fill our souls with wonders and wonders...
My husband assured me that I had to make sufganyiot because he could not imagine Chanuka without them and it should be our tradition for future when Ezra grows up and iy''H, we have other children. Of course I agreed. Wasn't I also excited and happy when my mother or aunts baked cakes and cooked specific Georgian food on New Year (which was big deal in my childhood)? So I shouldn't be so selfish and scrooge, just because we had so much leftover from Ezra's uncle's birthday, it did not mean, sufganyiot could be skipped.
So I made them.
My mother in law came over to babysit Ezra and I got down to business named kneading a dough for sufganyiot. I made it after this recipe, I've done it last year too and they come out really good. Naturally, I made my favourite changes in the recipe: replaced milk with water (had no soy milk anyway), dry yeast with fresh one and used no eggs, because in the mixing part you just won't find where to add those eggs that are mentioned in the ingredients part. I think no eggs needed indeed, sufganyiot are perfectly fine without them. Then I filled them with strawberry jam and whole family loved them.
Now I feel better.
Our sufganyiot - may not look that good, but taste a lot better. Chanuka 5773
I think I am getting used to being a wife and mother, you know. I've always had this funny character that protested against everything and never really loved traditions or anything. So now when I am married to the orthodox man for whom family values come first, I think I might be becoming his total part in that, with help of Hashem.
I don't promise I am going to love kitchen and never leave it, but I start to enjoy it when I see my dear people enjoy what I cook and bake.
Aren't our dear people's feelings most important after all?
Chanuka Sameach! More to come, still loads of candles to light and fill our souls with wonders and wonders...
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Time of wonders
Chanuka is just few days away and I haven't started to prepare yet. I still have to take out the chanukkia and clean it. We use oil chanukkia which needs to be washed and polished every year.
This year's going to be different. It's been different since Ezra was born and it will never be the same again, thank G-d. Chanuka starts on Saturday evening right after Shabbat ends so we'll be lighting one candle that night. I usually make sufganyiot (doughnuts filled with jam or chocolate) but I'll make them either on Saturday evening or Sunday, I don't have much time because Shabbat comes first as usual. Plus this Friday my brother-in-law has a birthday so he'll come over to us for Shabbat and we'll be celebrating the "double date" - beautiful queen Shabbat and his 27th birthday.
You need to make also latkes, this is Chanuka tradition. Latkes is grated potatoes with flour and spices fried in oil, which is not favoured in our family and I never make it.
Many people confuse or mix Chanuka with Christmas, or I knew some people who mistakenly thought Chanuka was somewhat alternative to Christmas. Someone even asked whose birthdays do we celebrate on those 8 days. We don't give presents on Chanuka, there's only this European Jewish tradition to give children "chanuka gelt" (Geld = money in German) which would be chocolate coins wrapped in golden paper.
Chanuka is not a festival from Torah. As you might not know there are festivals that are mentioned in the Torah where Hashem commands to observe in a particular way: like blowing shofar on Rosh Hashanah, building sukkah on Sukkot or not eating chametz on Pesach and etc. Chanuka is a festival that was established much later after Greeks conquered Jerusalem and decided to exterminate the Jewish nation (as many nations before and after had done), but they weren't killing people but trying to change their moral behaviour, to influence their culture and make Jews like themselves - people with no morality whatsoever (although this festival doesn't have a Torah value and we have no obligation to do anything, it remains as brightest and jolliest festivals in modern Jews' lives. What can we do, world is so under Western show-offy influence).
There were people who went against them and as it has happened many times during the history - Maccabees - group of "guerillas" fought against conquerors and miraculously won. When the great battle was over and Jews took Jerusalem back, high priest realised there was not enough oil in the temple to light the Menorah and give thanks to the World Creator. And then, against all the physics and chemistry, oil was burning whole 8 days which was/is, indeed, considered as a great miracle of Chanuka. Thus, G-d created everything so He can definitely make oil to burn longer, can't He?
For some this maybe just a beautiful story, but religion is mostly about stories and very strong ones, don't you agree? Because we all love stories, we believe in miracles and that's why we keep on living and winning our own Jerusalem almost everyday.
As for me, Chanuka is very important festival because I absolutely believe in miracles, I don't mean the supernatural ones, but this little life meaningful miracles like receiving exactly what I longed for, or achieving the goal that seemed impossible before. These are my miracles and most of the time they had come true at this Chanuka time. I hope we keep this tradition.
Chanuka Sameach - may you have wonderful, marvelous, lit up and lovely celebration!!! We are all G-d's miracles and it should be enough for now :)
You need to make also latkes, this is Chanuka tradition. Latkes is grated potatoes with flour and spices fried in oil, which is not favoured in our family and I never make it.
Many people confuse or mix Chanuka with Christmas, or I knew some people who mistakenly thought Chanuka was somewhat alternative to Christmas. Someone even asked whose birthdays do we celebrate on those 8 days. We don't give presents on Chanuka, there's only this European Jewish tradition to give children "chanuka gelt" (Geld = money in German) which would be chocolate coins wrapped in golden paper.
Chanuka is not a festival from Torah. As you might not know there are festivals that are mentioned in the Torah where Hashem commands to observe in a particular way: like blowing shofar on Rosh Hashanah, building sukkah on Sukkot or not eating chametz on Pesach and etc. Chanuka is a festival that was established much later after Greeks conquered Jerusalem and decided to exterminate the Jewish nation (as many nations before and after had done), but they weren't killing people but trying to change their moral behaviour, to influence their culture and make Jews like themselves - people with no morality whatsoever (although this festival doesn't have a Torah value and we have no obligation to do anything, it remains as brightest and jolliest festivals in modern Jews' lives. What can we do, world is so under Western show-offy influence).
There were people who went against them and as it has happened many times during the history - Maccabees - group of "guerillas" fought against conquerors and miraculously won. When the great battle was over and Jews took Jerusalem back, high priest realised there was not enough oil in the temple to light the Menorah and give thanks to the World Creator. And then, against all the physics and chemistry, oil was burning whole 8 days which was/is, indeed, considered as a great miracle of Chanuka. Thus, G-d created everything so He can definitely make oil to burn longer, can't He?
For some this maybe just a beautiful story, but religion is mostly about stories and very strong ones, don't you agree? Because we all love stories, we believe in miracles and that's why we keep on living and winning our own Jerusalem almost everyday.
As for me, Chanuka is very important festival because I absolutely believe in miracles, I don't mean the supernatural ones, but this little life meaningful miracles like receiving exactly what I longed for, or achieving the goal that seemed impossible before. These are my miracles and most of the time they had come true at this Chanuka time. I hope we keep this tradition.
Chanuka Sameach - may you have wonderful, marvelous, lit up and lovely celebration!!! We are all G-d's miracles and it should be enough for now :)
Monday, November 26, 2012
Designed not for me
Few are my years, yet I feel the world was ne'er design'd for me...
George Byron
Have you ever thought about it that better person you are, life is way difficult for you? You try to live right? You meet so many obstacles you just run out of breath. You are a sunny person by nature and love to cheer up others, others will do their best to bring you down. You want peace and they force you to join the war.
No, I am not mad.
I AM VERY MAD.
No matter how old I grow, I still cannot stand the injustice of the world. Sometimes I wish so much I could talk a serious talk to G-d, but then realize He is not a man, if you know what I mean. You can't really talk to a wind, or a rain, you can't talk and ask explanations from someone who has created everything around, can you? Because you are mere nothing and nobody really asks (or has ever asked) your opinion about designing this world.
I am as positive as it gets, but I also get frustrated because life kicks my ass for good, you bet. There are so many things I wish I could have but my socialistic spirit wouldn't let me. Then I know it's all stupid and vain, I should be more flexible and all, but I can't.
I can't have luxurious things when I know there are children starving, and families begging for help; when there is war and people die. You never know (and never cared probably) the dreams of those people who get killed in war, do you? You never know what made them laugh or sad. You never know what they thought they would do next day which never came.
This post is complicated as most of my writings. I think I should just rename this blog and call it a girl with the post-soviet trauma. I shall do that right away.
I lose friends and hair anyway, what I really have is G-d because one is never sure if He's really there or not which means you can't lose someone/something that has never truly belonged to you. It is like you will never lose the world because it was and is, will be without you, so is the G-d. Or I'd rather say, it's universe like G-d - my eternal pain.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Shabbat girls
We had really full house Shabbat this week. On Friday evening we had the mother and brother of my husband. We had chicken breasts with simple sauce and fried potatoes. For dessert I have baked Apple sauce whole wheat cake which is very delicious and easy to make, plus it rhymes, right? Funny thing is that cake is very healthy but I made the very unhealthy topping from kosher parve whipping cream that I mixed with strawberry jam and couple of spoonful sugar. We had nice chat and all, as usual my brother-in-law was grumpy about everything. He's like this eternal teenager disliking everything, complaining and then mocking. He's a great guy and good uncle, cares about Ezra, helps us with him whenever he can and gives presents to him, but such impossible one he is.
As for Friday night, it's always beautiful, candles lit on the table, flowers that my husband buys for me every erev Shabbat, hot food smell and the mood of something high coming to us for a day. They don't call Shabbat the Queen for nothing - it's really like that. No matter how tired we are Shabbat always lights and cheers our spirits; even my mum tells me she misses Shabbats at our home.
Saturday morning gets little moody though, especially when you have little baby who doesn't let you sleep long. My husband leaves before 9 for synagogue, and then I pray Ezra would sleep little more and let me get some rest too. Today he napped for an hour, but it wasn't enough for me anyway. I was too tired for last week was exhausting and one Shabbat couldn't absorb it all. Plus Ezra's been coughing and sneezing for almost 5 days and you know it's so hard for mum. My heart breaks when he coughs or has blocked nose. It should pass soon, please Hashem.
Now back to Saturday morning again. After my husband comes from synagogue we make kiddush on wine and challas like we do every Friday night (blessings are difference naturally), and have delicious dinner. There were times we also used to nap but now it goes with Ezra's schedule.
This Shabbat was one of those, when my mother-in-law put Ezra to sleep and I couldn't slip away that chance, you know, so said quick "Shabbat Shalom" to everyone and jumped in bed to sleep a little.
Because I was expecting a guest from Berlin, namely, one girl from the midrasha (seminary where I've studied and lived for 2 years) and a boy who works at the youth centre where the Shabbat guests are usually hosted, plus he lives a block away from us and would've been a guide to our guest.
At 15:15 Ezra woke up and so did I, then I started to change him and my husband called me that our guests had already come and waited downstairs.
Well, there were more than 2 guests though. One more girl from the midrasha and other young pregnant woman of our community. I got really excited for I love receiving guests and treating them with sweets (I've mentioned we had delicious whole wheat cake, right?). It's always refreshing having young people around, isn't it. Especially knowing where they come from and watching them talk, walk and do things I used to do. It also made me realise how different I've become and how my points of view have changed since then. I mean, I've always been a rebel and no seminary could've possibly brainwashed me, but I realise now that there were times when I actually let some people or situations to influence me. It is not that bad, it helps a lot to step up and get over, go through and find your very own way, if you know what I mean.
I am sure those girls will find too. They are lovely and very positive girls. Definitely completed our Shabbat and Ezra loved one of those girls too who played with him and held him. He is everything but shy, especially when it comes to girls ;-)
One more Shabbat is over and new week has started. May all of us have nice, sunny, calm, lucky and joyful week! AMEN!!!
As for Friday night, it's always beautiful, candles lit on the table, flowers that my husband buys for me every erev Shabbat, hot food smell and the mood of something high coming to us for a day. They don't call Shabbat the Queen for nothing - it's really like that. No matter how tired we are Shabbat always lights and cheers our spirits; even my mum tells me she misses Shabbats at our home.
Old Midrasha days - Old Midrasha Me
Saturday morning gets little moody though, especially when you have little baby who doesn't let you sleep long. My husband leaves before 9 for synagogue, and then I pray Ezra would sleep little more and let me get some rest too. Today he napped for an hour, but it wasn't enough for me anyway. I was too tired for last week was exhausting and one Shabbat couldn't absorb it all. Plus Ezra's been coughing and sneezing for almost 5 days and you know it's so hard for mum. My heart breaks when he coughs or has blocked nose. It should pass soon, please Hashem.
Now back to Saturday morning again. After my husband comes from synagogue we make kiddush on wine and challas like we do every Friday night (blessings are difference naturally), and have delicious dinner. There were times we also used to nap but now it goes with Ezra's schedule.
This Shabbat was one of those, when my mother-in-law put Ezra to sleep and I couldn't slip away that chance, you know, so said quick "Shabbat Shalom" to everyone and jumped in bed to sleep a little.
Because I was expecting a guest from Berlin, namely, one girl from the midrasha (seminary where I've studied and lived for 2 years) and a boy who works at the youth centre where the Shabbat guests are usually hosted, plus he lives a block away from us and would've been a guide to our guest.
At 15:15 Ezra woke up and so did I, then I started to change him and my husband called me that our guests had already come and waited downstairs.
Well, there were more than 2 guests though. One more girl from the midrasha and other young pregnant woman of our community. I got really excited for I love receiving guests and treating them with sweets (I've mentioned we had delicious whole wheat cake, right?). It's always refreshing having young people around, isn't it. Especially knowing where they come from and watching them talk, walk and do things I used to do. It also made me realise how different I've become and how my points of view have changed since then. I mean, I've always been a rebel and no seminary could've possibly brainwashed me, but I realise now that there were times when I actually let some people or situations to influence me. It is not that bad, it helps a lot to step up and get over, go through and find your very own way, if you know what I mean.
I am sure those girls will find too. They are lovely and very positive girls. Definitely completed our Shabbat and Ezra loved one of those girls too who played with him and held him. He is everything but shy, especially when it comes to girls ;-)
One more Shabbat is over and new week has started. May all of us have nice, sunny, calm, lucky and joyful week! AMEN!!!
Monday, November 5, 2012
Doctors and power
Do you dislike doctors like I do?
Only doctor I like in Germany, is the pediatrician of Ezra, who is really nice and positive lady.
Thank G-d, I haven't visited many doctors here, but my husband and his family have. Then, in my pregnancy I had a gynecologist, Frau Dr. Schindler (remembering the history, her name sounds so humane, no?), who seemed quite fine, but she didn't really care that much about my health, I think. Either she was very relaxed naturalist or just not giving a damn about this weird religious Jewish patient covering her hair and all. Well, because of her attitude, that she hasn't checked the amniotic fluid which was actually infected, I gave birth to Ezra 3 weeks earlier, on my 37th week. Again, thanks to Hashem, Ezra was born healthy and happy baby, 10/10 apgar test, but he was born very tiny which almost caused me depression: you know, every mother would have felt that way, eating herself up, why should her baby have been born so early and so small, wouldn't she?
So I left that Frau Dr. Schindler and went to other doctor for the 6 weeks postpartum check up. This lady also seemed ok, serious and very friendly. Then she asked us which contraception we'd like to choose; she suggested 3 months injection, IUD (copper spiral) and mini-pills since I was nursing. We decided to take mini-pills, Cerazette, you might have heard.
It was one of the terrible experiences I ever had.
First, postpartum period is very hard for every woman and it was even worse for me. I couldn't forget the fact of giving birth before the due date and had nightmares, nursing awfully hurt, Ezra had colicky and wouldn't sleep, needed to be nursed and soothed almost every hour; in addition with all that, I started to bleed really badly after taking those pills.
I don't quite blame the doctor, she couldn't have known the side effects of the mini-pills, because every body responds differently, but suggesting 3 months injection was very cunning, you know, because you buy pills in the pharmacy store, but 3 months injection you need to get from her - which means, she gets paid for it.
Then I had to have injection to stop bleeding. So I quit taking mini-pills and started to require new contraceptive, which took quite a time and energy from us.
[After making a little research, I've discovered that hundreds of women had same experience with Cerazette, but doctors still keep prescribing it giving credit to this scary drug company. The company probably, in return, gives credits and loads of advantages to doctors.]
I should note that in the beginning of my pregnancy, I had private insurance which made Frau Dr. Schindler happy, but by the end of 35th week, I switched to the government insurance that doctors really hate. I think this might have been the reason of her not bothering herself to check the amniotic fluid. I could say the same about other Frau Dr. L. who is less "naturalist", but moneylover all right.
I might be sarcastic right now, but if you imagine how terrible results could be when doctor makes mistakes, you wouldn't laugh. It is scary to know that some people love money more than their profession, or worse, they have chosen this profession only because they would get more money than others.
Now I am afraid to visit gynecologists again. I try to have trust in them, and as my teacher used to say, I should remember and pray that G-d would be with the doctor when visiting for check-up. I don't doubt that if I ask, G-d will be there for me as He always has been, but I am a human too, you know, simple mortal, who is afraid of many things and probably hasn't developed that strong bitachon (meaning: unconditional trust to G-d) yet to really know - doctors don't have any power at all, but He does.
Say that again, Soph!!!
Only doctor I like in Germany, is the pediatrician of Ezra, who is really nice and positive lady.
Thank G-d, I haven't visited many doctors here, but my husband and his family have. Then, in my pregnancy I had a gynecologist, Frau Dr. Schindler (remembering the history, her name sounds so humane, no?), who seemed quite fine, but she didn't really care that much about my health, I think. Either she was very relaxed naturalist or just not giving a damn about this weird religious Jewish patient covering her hair and all. Well, because of her attitude, that she hasn't checked the amniotic fluid which was actually infected, I gave birth to Ezra 3 weeks earlier, on my 37th week. Again, thanks to Hashem, Ezra was born healthy and happy baby, 10/10 apgar test, but he was born very tiny which almost caused me depression: you know, every mother would have felt that way, eating herself up, why should her baby have been born so early and so small, wouldn't she?
So I left that Frau Dr. Schindler and went to other doctor for the 6 weeks postpartum check up. This lady also seemed ok, serious and very friendly. Then she asked us which contraception we'd like to choose; she suggested 3 months injection, IUD (copper spiral) and mini-pills since I was nursing. We decided to take mini-pills, Cerazette, you might have heard.
It was one of the terrible experiences I ever had.
First, postpartum period is very hard for every woman and it was even worse for me. I couldn't forget the fact of giving birth before the due date and had nightmares, nursing awfully hurt, Ezra had colicky and wouldn't sleep, needed to be nursed and soothed almost every hour; in addition with all that, I started to bleed really badly after taking those pills.
I don't quite blame the doctor, she couldn't have known the side effects of the mini-pills, because every body responds differently, but suggesting 3 months injection was very cunning, you know, because you buy pills in the pharmacy store, but 3 months injection you need to get from her - which means, she gets paid for it.
Then I had to have injection to stop bleeding. So I quit taking mini-pills and started to require new contraceptive, which took quite a time and energy from us.
[After making a little research, I've discovered that hundreds of women had same experience with Cerazette, but doctors still keep prescribing it giving credit to this scary drug company. The company probably, in return, gives credits and loads of advantages to doctors.]
I should note that in the beginning of my pregnancy, I had private insurance which made Frau Dr. Schindler happy, but by the end of 35th week, I switched to the government insurance that doctors really hate. I think this might have been the reason of her not bothering herself to check the amniotic fluid. I could say the same about other Frau Dr. L. who is less "naturalist", but moneylover all right.
I might be sarcastic right now, but if you imagine how terrible results could be when doctor makes mistakes, you wouldn't laugh. It is scary to know that some people love money more than their profession, or worse, they have chosen this profession only because they would get more money than others.
Now I am afraid to visit gynecologists again. I try to have trust in them, and as my teacher used to say, I should remember and pray that G-d would be with the doctor when visiting for check-up. I don't doubt that if I ask, G-d will be there for me as He always has been, but I am a human too, you know, simple mortal, who is afraid of many things and probably hasn't developed that strong bitachon (meaning: unconditional trust to G-d) yet to really know - doctors don't have any power at all, but He does.
Say that again, Soph!!!
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
What really matters
Last year three little girls came over asking: süß oder sauer (sweet or sour), meaning trick or treat for Halloween. I had exactly three candies in the cupboard and gave them.
This year I had a big plastic bag full of candies that my husband collected on Simchat Torah and since Ezra can't eat yet, I thought I would give to those Halloween Kinder. When I said that, my husband told me what he thought about it. Halloween is not even a religious festival as far as I know, but something related to Kelts and spiritualists if I am not mistaken. So he thought, for us, as religious Jews, it might not be appropriate to give children candies on this day let alone the fact that we don't celebrate Halloween.
Later my husband went to kollel where married men study Talmud and I was home with Ezra and my mother in law. I was baking a cake by the recipe of my mother in law (who is a terrific baker actually) when someone rang the bell of our door. I sneaked out and there was a little skinny boy in black mask standing and waiting for candies. I hesitated a bit then remembered what my husband had said before and decided not to open the door at all. Little boy turned away and rang at our neighbours' next.
Well, I can't tell you that I felt too bad, but I felt little weird. Halloween is stupid, all right, I've never celebrated it because in the country where I was born nobody knew about it until 90's. I felt like we, humans, create and destroy the world in the same time; while I could make that boy happy giving him candies, I thought about religious issues what one would think of us giving candies for Halloween. Who knows, perhaps this act of kindness would have had positive influence on that little boy when grown up? Imagine, he probably will remember that people didn't open up to him and never gave him candies for Halloween, so will he do too in future.
What if because of situations like this we DO make and put ourselves in ghettos not others?
It is hard.
At least it is for me because I come from most warm and openhearted place of the world where you didn't care much about one's religion, well me and family never did. I am sure my husband's family didn't either because they also come from Soviet world; but the Ashkenazi roots and memories are remained so deep in the conscience of my husband I can tell, that he has this anxiety of not getting too close to non-Jews and their festivals. He may be right, may be not, but his opinion is very important for me and I respect it more than anything.
Once more I realized that no festival is worth of one's family and relationship happiness. If my husband feels good, I feel good and I can absolutely find another day and other kids to treat them with my full bag of candies.
This year I had a big plastic bag full of candies that my husband collected on Simchat Torah and since Ezra can't eat yet, I thought I would give to those Halloween Kinder. When I said that, my husband told me what he thought about it. Halloween is not even a religious festival as far as I know, but something related to Kelts and spiritualists if I am not mistaken. So he thought, for us, as religious Jews, it might not be appropriate to give children candies on this day let alone the fact that we don't celebrate Halloween.
Later my husband went to kollel where married men study Talmud and I was home with Ezra and my mother in law. I was baking a cake by the recipe of my mother in law (who is a terrific baker actually) when someone rang the bell of our door. I sneaked out and there was a little skinny boy in black mask standing and waiting for candies. I hesitated a bit then remembered what my husband had said before and decided not to open the door at all. Little boy turned away and rang at our neighbours' next.
Well, I can't tell you that I felt too bad, but I felt little weird. Halloween is stupid, all right, I've never celebrated it because in the country where I was born nobody knew about it until 90's. I felt like we, humans, create and destroy the world in the same time; while I could make that boy happy giving him candies, I thought about religious issues what one would think of us giving candies for Halloween. Who knows, perhaps this act of kindness would have had positive influence on that little boy when grown up? Imagine, he probably will remember that people didn't open up to him and never gave him candies for Halloween, so will he do too in future.
What if because of situations like this we DO make and put ourselves in ghettos not others?
It is hard.
At least it is for me because I come from most warm and openhearted place of the world where you didn't care much about one's religion, well me and family never did. I am sure my husband's family didn't either because they also come from Soviet world; but the Ashkenazi roots and memories are remained so deep in the conscience of my husband I can tell, that he has this anxiety of not getting too close to non-Jews and their festivals. He may be right, may be not, but his opinion is very important for me and I respect it more than anything.
Once more I realized that no festival is worth of one's family and relationship happiness. If my husband feels good, I feel good and I can absolutely find another day and other kids to treat them with my full bag of candies.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Learning to love
I think I am learning to love. It's weird to realize that it took me 27 years to learn how to love.
Ezra taught me. When I look into his eyes and see my reflection, I know that even if I failed in my career and never found the job I wanted, I have got him.
It's not always that easy though. Ezra and I went to supermarket yesterday and met my mother in law outside the train station. When we stepped on the escalator to go down where that supermarket is, we talked. Suddenly some afroamerican man started to shout at us. It appeared that he was standing behind us and because I took little more time to move Ezra's stroller over, I blocked his way. Man, was he rude. He definitely heard us talking in different language and realized we weren't Germans, that's how he got chutzpa to shout. I did not tell him anything back. I felt awful. You know why? First thing that came to my mind was the line from O'Henry's story where the Doc tells to the Yankee: "You freed our slaves and fought with them against us". I am the least intolerant or racist person but I absolutely shared the anger of the Doc about freeing the slaves. I know one single stupid man doesn't mean anything but you must be very cruel and evil to shout at the woman with the baby.
Note well, that Germans, especially old people in a public transport or shops have been extremely nice to me and Ezra so far.
So when people complain about Germans, I often tell them that they haven't done anything worse [to the Jews] than other nations (e.g. Spanish inquisition, Ukrainian kazaks with Khmelnitsky or Bandera...), they were just better organized as they always are.
I live in Germany since 2009 and have never faced any racial problems with Germans, but emigrants/immigrants have been ruder very often.
So yesterday I did not love people. I hated one of them.
I've always been an advocate for racial or religious tolerance. I've always been saying that the world belongs to each and every human being, therefore one can choose to live wherever one would like to. I have indeed lived in various countries of Europe and even though some say Europeans tend to be racists, I've never had any problems with this for local people were always very nice to me.
Now I'm hesitating about supporting emigration. I even doubt if the whole world is ours and we can live anywhere...
This time I felt so small realizing that I don't actually have country of my own. Neither I speak the national language nor am I citizen of it which makes me somewhat of an alien, doesn't it?
I wrote to a friend in Georgia the other day saying that we will probably never know what it's like living in a normal democratic country, happy and peaceful, we are such poor offspring of post-soviet utopia.
Eretz Israel.
Eretz Israel.
Eretz Israel.
When are we going to go back home, Dad? Are we at all?
So, I stopped loving the world right away. Our sages were so wise advising, first, learn to love your close ones, your nation and then go loving and saving the world.
I am not saving it anymore!
I am learning to love myself and my people properly.
Ezra taught me. When I look into his eyes and see my reflection, I know that even if I failed in my career and never found the job I wanted, I have got him.
It's not always that easy though. Ezra and I went to supermarket yesterday and met my mother in law outside the train station. When we stepped on the escalator to go down where that supermarket is, we talked. Suddenly some afroamerican man started to shout at us. It appeared that he was standing behind us and because I took little more time to move Ezra's stroller over, I blocked his way. Man, was he rude. He definitely heard us talking in different language and realized we weren't Germans, that's how he got chutzpa to shout. I did not tell him anything back. I felt awful. You know why? First thing that came to my mind was the line from O'Henry's story where the Doc tells to the Yankee: "You freed our slaves and fought with them against us". I am the least intolerant or racist person but I absolutely shared the anger of the Doc about freeing the slaves. I know one single stupid man doesn't mean anything but you must be very cruel and evil to shout at the woman with the baby.
Note well, that Germans, especially old people in a public transport or shops have been extremely nice to me and Ezra so far.
So when people complain about Germans, I often tell them that they haven't done anything worse [to the Jews] than other nations (e.g. Spanish inquisition, Ukrainian kazaks with Khmelnitsky or Bandera...), they were just better organized as they always are.
I live in Germany since 2009 and have never faced any racial problems with Germans, but emigrants/immigrants have been ruder very often.
So yesterday I did not love people. I hated one of them.
I've always been an advocate for racial or religious tolerance. I've always been saying that the world belongs to each and every human being, therefore one can choose to live wherever one would like to. I have indeed lived in various countries of Europe and even though some say Europeans tend to be racists, I've never had any problems with this for local people were always very nice to me.
Now I'm hesitating about supporting emigration. I even doubt if the whole world is ours and we can live anywhere...
This time I felt so small realizing that I don't actually have country of my own. Neither I speak the national language nor am I citizen of it which makes me somewhat of an alien, doesn't it?
I wrote to a friend in Georgia the other day saying that we will probably never know what it's like living in a normal democratic country, happy and peaceful, we are such poor offspring of post-soviet utopia.
Eretz Israel.
Eretz Israel.
Eretz Israel.
When are we going to go back home, Dad? Are we at all?
So, I stopped loving the world right away. Our sages were so wise advising, first, learn to love your close ones, your nation and then go loving and saving the world.
I am not saving it anymore!
I am learning to love myself and my people properly.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
6 months and more
Ezra used to be a good sleeper even though he was colicky for almost 4 months in the beginning. He would still sleep from 7:30 till 1 am, then I nursed him and put him back in his bed. Then he woke up between 3-5am to eat and I let him sleep with me till morning.
Now it's been already a month he refuses to sleep in his bed at night. I try so hard. He may fall asleep there for half an hour, then wakes up crying and wouldn't stop before I rock him and put him in my bed where I also should lay down beside him and soothe him.
I don't know what can be the reason?
It might be that he's growing and changing so quickly becoming a big boy. So he might be afraid of staying alone and needs his mummy to warm and comfort him. I love to do so, but it is so hard sometimes when I have loads to do and have to leave it all and lay down with the baby. I hope he grows out of it and come on, how long is he going to be a baby? Time flies, as they say and I will miss him as a baby one day, I am sure.
Most probably he's teething and I just don't realize it. Can't wait to wake up one day and see his little cute tooth already.
What's important, he's happy baby. Smiling and singing all day. It's so funny hearing him say: ma ma, ba ba, amba, bamba... He rolls from his tummy on the back, although he is so lazy and I make him roll from back on the tummy. Sometimes he surprises me too - when I least expect him to roll or crawl, he actually does. He tried to crawl on Friday and I was so excited, I started to shout with joy to my husband who was in the bathroom and Ezra got really scared. I felt so bad then, what if I discouraged him about crawling. I hope I didn't.
I haven't told you I started to give him solids. We started last Wednesday with carrot puree and Ezra really liked it. I thought he couldn't eat since he's been only nursed for whole 6 months, but he managed it quite well, thank G-d. I started with 3 spoons. Our doctor said 4-6 spoons, but I was little afraid that it might have been difficult for his stomach, but it went well. Hopefully I'll give him some new vegetable this week, been thinking about zucchini; they give potatoes in Germany because this is most popular food here. It's going to be either zucchini or potatoes, we'll see. I really can't wait to give him meat. I am so fond of beef you know, I am very big lover of meat, in general and hope so will be Ezra (my husband is a total Yiddishe guy, he loves chicken and turkey that we have discovered lately and I make really delicious turkey something for Shabbat evening, should give you recipe later).
Sometimes, when I am really tired and just can't take anymore, I remind myself how cute Ezra usually is, smily and funny, and that he is my baby, gift from G-d. Plus, I am mother and HAVE TO take care of my baby, so what if I get tired? Every mum does. That's what makes mums special - being tired and sleep deprived all the time, still happy and proud of their offspring.
Now it's been already a month he refuses to sleep in his bed at night. I try so hard. He may fall asleep there for half an hour, then wakes up crying and wouldn't stop before I rock him and put him in my bed where I also should lay down beside him and soothe him.
I don't know what can be the reason?
It might be that he's growing and changing so quickly becoming a big boy. So he might be afraid of staying alone and needs his mummy to warm and comfort him. I love to do so, but it is so hard sometimes when I have loads to do and have to leave it all and lay down with the baby. I hope he grows out of it and come on, how long is he going to be a baby? Time flies, as they say and I will miss him as a baby one day, I am sure.
Most probably he's teething and I just don't realize it. Can't wait to wake up one day and see his little cute tooth already.
What's important, he's happy baby. Smiling and singing all day. It's so funny hearing him say: ma ma, ba ba, amba, bamba... He rolls from his tummy on the back, although he is so lazy and I make him roll from back on the tummy. Sometimes he surprises me too - when I least expect him to roll or crawl, he actually does. He tried to crawl on Friday and I was so excited, I started to shout with joy to my husband who was in the bathroom and Ezra got really scared. I felt so bad then, what if I discouraged him about crawling. I hope I didn't.
I haven't told you I started to give him solids. We started last Wednesday with carrot puree and Ezra really liked it. I thought he couldn't eat since he's been only nursed for whole 6 months, but he managed it quite well, thank G-d. I started with 3 spoons. Our doctor said 4-6 spoons, but I was little afraid that it might have been difficult for his stomach, but it went well. Hopefully I'll give him some new vegetable this week, been thinking about zucchini; they give potatoes in Germany because this is most popular food here. It's going to be either zucchini or potatoes, we'll see. I really can't wait to give him meat. I am so fond of beef you know, I am very big lover of meat, in general and hope so will be Ezra (my husband is a total Yiddishe guy, he loves chicken and turkey that we have discovered lately and I make really delicious turkey something for Shabbat evening, should give you recipe later).
Sometimes, when I am really tired and just can't take anymore, I remind myself how cute Ezra usually is, smily and funny, and that he is my baby, gift from G-d. Plus, I am mother and HAVE TO take care of my baby, so what if I get tired? Every mum does. That's what makes mums special - being tired and sleep deprived all the time, still happy and proud of their offspring.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Thoughts for Chol ha moed Sukkot
I've been thinking lately that this blog isn't working anymore and I probably should be thinking of making something new, write often and more openly. I am not sure though if I am able to do that. Let alone that I don't have that much time and as Ezra grows older he needs more attention from me, he needs to be entertained all the time; second thought was, English is not my mother tongue obviously and I might not be expressing myself well writing in English; and last but not the least - I am not honest. I mean, I am sometimes but mostly I think I am not. No, I am not pretending or anything, I just omit many many things that are going on in my life, things that bug me a lot and I just don't write about them.
Should I be though?
The only annoying (all right, sometimes there are more) thing about Judaism is that you can't and shouldn't criticize people but work on yourself and if somebody really gets on your nerves, you should go and tell. You should not get angry in any situation because getting angry equals worshiping idols which is THE major sin of all. Unfortunately we are all idol worshipers every now and then, especially when this very idol happens to be our own ego.
Anyway.
That day passed and I think I won't leave this blog. I'll try to write whenever and whatever I can. I really wish I could write interesting posts here. I've been reading loads of blogs, but there are so few that I really like. I think there is only one actually. This young Australian woman, Talia, who must be somewhat of my age blogging about her family and cute 8 months son.
There are some other blogs too, but they get boring. But this girl Talia keeps it so simple and natural, you don't need to try hard to like what she does. She was quite inspiring for me to continue blogging in English actually, to be what I am, what I REALLY am no matter how hard it might be.
What about Sukkot, you'd ask me. I think this year's holidays have been very very hard for our family as my father-in-law almost died from terrible heart attack just before Shabbat that proceeded Rosh Hashanah. He's been in hospital since then and most probably he won't be able to get back. This is unbearable for his wife and sons, especially my husband who is so fond of him. I might not be able to understand that feeling exactly but when I see my husband so sad and blue my heart is breaking. What do you say in times like this when you are sure it is not going to be all right? Nobody wants to hear you saying that it's G-d's will and everything is for the best. You don't tell that to people who lose their beloved and dear person, do you? Because no-one needs your stupid consolation. So all I do is being next to my husband and his family, and Ezra, baruch Hashem, is the sun that makes his grandma and everyone smile.
Sukkot is such a beautiful time of the year when all the Jews come out, build up the sukkah (hut) and live in it for 7 days to remind themselves how they left Egypt, wandered homeless, and only G-d was above saving them from hunger and thunder.
Exactly 3 years ago Sukkot holidays inspired me to start searching for my roots, for my nation and my G-d that is actually not only mine but the whole wide world's if only they knew it. Many things happened in my life since then, I went through many things as name and homeplace changing... and now here I am, far from that Sukkah I went 3 years ago in Tbilisi, Georgia, my hometown; now I am in cold Europe trying to keep the sun on my windows as long as it is possible, totally changed as mentally so physically (well, you have to change when you give birth and nurse, and don't limit the food at all) and growing older (hopefully wiser too) day by day.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because it's Sukkot, the festival of joy, time to receive guests in your hut and recognize the might of Hashem: nothing in this world is yours, even if you own all the world luxurious villas and mansions, when it comes, it comes and you are out to wander again, homeless...
Jewish holidays are just wonderful, always reminding us where we were so we don't forget where we could also end up.
The Chol ha moed started today, couple more days and Shabbat again, then on Sunday night we will welcome Simchat Torah which is one of my favourite festivals. I'll keep you updated, bli neder.
(You see I am a master of hopping from one subject to other like Holden Caulfield. What scares me is that Holden was just 16 and I am 27.)
Should I be though?
The only annoying (all right, sometimes there are more) thing about Judaism is that you can't and shouldn't criticize people but work on yourself and if somebody really gets on your nerves, you should go and tell. You should not get angry in any situation because getting angry equals worshiping idols which is THE major sin of all. Unfortunately we are all idol worshipers every now and then, especially when this very idol happens to be our own ego.
Anyway.
That day passed and I think I won't leave this blog. I'll try to write whenever and whatever I can. I really wish I could write interesting posts here. I've been reading loads of blogs, but there are so few that I really like. I think there is only one actually. This young Australian woman, Talia, who must be somewhat of my age blogging about her family and cute 8 months son.
There are some other blogs too, but they get boring. But this girl Talia keeps it so simple and natural, you don't need to try hard to like what she does. She was quite inspiring for me to continue blogging in English actually, to be what I am, what I REALLY am no matter how hard it might be.
What about Sukkot, you'd ask me. I think this year's holidays have been very very hard for our family as my father-in-law almost died from terrible heart attack just before Shabbat that proceeded Rosh Hashanah. He's been in hospital since then and most probably he won't be able to get back. This is unbearable for his wife and sons, especially my husband who is so fond of him. I might not be able to understand that feeling exactly but when I see my husband so sad and blue my heart is breaking. What do you say in times like this when you are sure it is not going to be all right? Nobody wants to hear you saying that it's G-d's will and everything is for the best. You don't tell that to people who lose their beloved and dear person, do you? Because no-one needs your stupid consolation. So all I do is being next to my husband and his family, and Ezra, baruch Hashem, is the sun that makes his grandma and everyone smile.
Sukkot is such a beautiful time of the year when all the Jews come out, build up the sukkah (hut) and live in it for 7 days to remind themselves how they left Egypt, wandered homeless, and only G-d was above saving them from hunger and thunder.
Exactly 3 years ago Sukkot holidays inspired me to start searching for my roots, for my nation and my G-d that is actually not only mine but the whole wide world's if only they knew it. Many things happened in my life since then, I went through many things as name and homeplace changing... and now here I am, far from that Sukkah I went 3 years ago in Tbilisi, Georgia, my hometown; now I am in cold Europe trying to keep the sun on my windows as long as it is possible, totally changed as mentally so physically (well, you have to change when you give birth and nurse, and don't limit the food at all) and growing older (hopefully wiser too) day by day.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because it's Sukkot, the festival of joy, time to receive guests in your hut and recognize the might of Hashem: nothing in this world is yours, even if you own all the world luxurious villas and mansions, when it comes, it comes and you are out to wander again, homeless...
Jewish holidays are just wonderful, always reminding us where we were so we don't forget where we could also end up.
The Chol ha moed started today, couple more days and Shabbat again, then on Sunday night we will welcome Simchat Torah which is one of my favourite festivals. I'll keep you updated, bli neder.
(You see I am a master of hopping from one subject to other like Holden Caulfield. What scares me is that Holden was just 16 and I am 27.)
Friday, September 28, 2012
Babies and mamas again
Seriously, sometimes I get sick of those mamas talking only about their babies and what drives me mad is when I read their letters. G-d!
How come everybody's baby is an angel?
How come others' babies sleep like lambs through the night?
How come they go to sleep by themselves, no rocking, no singing, just a kiss goodnight and there they go?
I just don't believe them.
My baby doesn't sleep through the night and I believe that's natural.
He's not an angel, thank G-d. He has a personality and in Judaism that matters a lot. Angels are considered as G-d's slaves who have no freedom of choice unlike humans. So, my baby is a real human - he cries, fusses, wakes up early in the morning and scratches my nose with his tiny nails and makes me happier than anyone can be.
He doesn't go to sleep by himself. He needs to be soothed and rocked, and cuddled and kissed and held tight to mummy's chest because that is the most safe place in the world.
We are not perfect, thanks to Hashem, neither me nor Ezra. I can't tell you whether we strive for it or not. I just want to be the mum that will always be there for her son and make him feel secure. I hope I shall be the extraordinary mum giving my child freedom and independence while setting some limits so he learns right from wrong.Well, I am my mum's daughter, can't fight it (I will always be amazed by how great she's been, may she live long and healthy life!!!).
And Ezra wants to be happy for this moment. He just wants to play with us, have fun, be cared, loved and nurtured as every other human being. Sounds like the Smiths' song, doesn't it?
I guess I lost the point.
If you really want to know, I take it easy. I shouldn't and don't judge those mums. They just seem superficial to me. How can they be so calm and happy with everything? Do not their babies cry at all? Have they never thrown up on them? Haven't they been hurt in the beginning of nursing? COME ON!
There are few blogs where I've read honest mums and keep reading them. They are great not trying to be the ones they are not.
And then comes the light when I tell myself, Sophie, why don't you relax and enjoy your life, I mean, get mad if you want to and be the kind of mum you like, forget others. But I am a human too, you know, and I tend to believe I might be better than others which is not nice at all, I know. Because no-one is better than other; we are all same. The difference is only in culture and geographic psychology as such. Just forget the religion and my soviet background in the upbringing. I am still the sunniest sun in the world that believes in green juicy apples and LOVE.
Good night, loves!
:)
How come everybody's baby is an angel?
How come others' babies sleep like lambs through the night?
How come they go to sleep by themselves, no rocking, no singing, just a kiss goodnight and there they go?
Lovely Emma Bunton (baby spice) with her baby boy
I just don't believe them.
My baby doesn't sleep through the night and I believe that's natural.
He's not an angel, thank G-d. He has a personality and in Judaism that matters a lot. Angels are considered as G-d's slaves who have no freedom of choice unlike humans. So, my baby is a real human - he cries, fusses, wakes up early in the morning and scratches my nose with his tiny nails and makes me happier than anyone can be.
He doesn't go to sleep by himself. He needs to be soothed and rocked, and cuddled and kissed and held tight to mummy's chest because that is the most safe place in the world.
We are not perfect, thanks to Hashem, neither me nor Ezra. I can't tell you whether we strive for it or not. I just want to be the mum that will always be there for her son and make him feel secure. I hope I shall be the extraordinary mum giving my child freedom and independence while setting some limits so he learns right from wrong.Well, I am my mum's daughter, can't fight it (I will always be amazed by how great she's been, may she live long and healthy life!!!).
And Ezra wants to be happy for this moment. He just wants to play with us, have fun, be cared, loved and nurtured as every other human being. Sounds like the Smiths' song, doesn't it?
I guess I lost the point.
If you really want to know, I take it easy. I shouldn't and don't judge those mums. They just seem superficial to me. How can they be so calm and happy with everything? Do not their babies cry at all? Have they never thrown up on them? Haven't they been hurt in the beginning of nursing? COME ON!
There are few blogs where I've read honest mums and keep reading them. They are great not trying to be the ones they are not.
And then comes the light when I tell myself, Sophie, why don't you relax and enjoy your life, I mean, get mad if you want to and be the kind of mum you like, forget others. But I am a human too, you know, and I tend to believe I might be better than others which is not nice at all, I know. Because no-one is better than other; we are all same. The difference is only in culture and geographic psychology as such. Just forget the religion and my soviet background in the upbringing. I am still the sunniest sun in the world that believes in green juicy apples and LOVE.
Good night, loves!
:)
Friday, September 7, 2012
Yiddishe mama
I'm cooking Zimes/Tzimes, SO yiddishe, you know it. My husband is very very yiddishe man indeed. He was brought up in a family where his grandmum, father and uncle used to talk in little yiddish. And now that memory is so deep in his conscience that anything Yiddish means sweet and dear for him.
That's how I came to cook to him Zimmes for Shabbat. He mentioned couple of times there was this "Meren zimmes" (meaning german Möhre (carrot)) that his grandmother used to cook and he would love to taste it again. I found a recipe which goes this simple:
1 kg carrot
1/2 c sugar and 2tbs honey
50 gr raisins
100 gr butter or light margarine
Chop (I actually had carrots grated) carrots and simply stir all the ingredients in the pot at once. Cook it for 40-50 minutes on a low temperature. Oh, and before adding raisins, they need to be soaked in a hot boiled water for 15 minutes, then mix with other products in the pot.
Some people add nuts or other dry fruits to this dish, like apricot. Some even make zimmes out of sweet potatoes. Choice is yours as long as you enjoy making it and having your family happily fed on Shabbat. This is the main goal of every yiddishe mama which I think I might be becoming. But I promise I'll try not to spoil Ezra as every Jewish mum does - cooking and baking so perfectly that daughter-in-law has to work hard (really hard, I can attest to that) to impress her husband. I am a cool mum and should be even cooler mum-in-law, BS''D!
Shabbat Shalom, should say A GIT SHABBES!!!
(Just a week and little more before Rosh Hashanah! Man, so much to learn, work on and last, but NOT least, to cook loads for yom tov.)
That's how I came to cook to him Zimmes for Shabbat. He mentioned couple of times there was this "Meren zimmes" (meaning german Möhre (carrot)) that his grandmother used to cook and he would love to taste it again. I found a recipe which goes this simple:
1 kg carrot
1/2 c sugar and 2tbs honey
50 gr raisins
100 gr butter or light margarine
Chop (I actually had carrots grated) carrots and simply stir all the ingredients in the pot at once. Cook it for 40-50 minutes on a low temperature. Oh, and before adding raisins, they need to be soaked in a hot boiled water for 15 minutes, then mix with other products in the pot.
Some people add nuts or other dry fruits to this dish, like apricot. Some even make zimmes out of sweet potatoes. Choice is yours as long as you enjoy making it and having your family happily fed on Shabbat. This is the main goal of every yiddishe mama which I think I might be becoming. But I promise I'll try not to spoil Ezra as every Jewish mum does - cooking and baking so perfectly that daughter-in-law has to work hard (really hard, I can attest to that) to impress her husband. I am a cool mum and should be even cooler mum-in-law, BS''D!
Shabbat Shalom, should say A GIT SHABBES!!!
(Just a week and little more before Rosh Hashanah! Man, so much to learn, work on and last, but NOT least, to cook loads for yom tov.)
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
27 mirrors
I looked in the mirror this evening and noticed wrinkles on my forehead. It felt so old, I cannot even describe. I felt like I've lived thousands of years and still more coming while I am already old and wrinkly lady. It's funny actually. I am not that old, am I?
27 is the age of beautiful death, but no worries I do neither drugs nor rock'n roll. I used to wish I did, but now I think that is ridiculous. Everything is stupid but family. Nothing is worth in this life but loving and let be loved, have babies and spread more love.
Do I sound like John Lennon? Stop war make love-ish or something, I know.
I did not mean to post tonight at all. This blog has become just dwelling place for me where I could come and hide into its caves, you know what I mean. Few people ever read it so I feel like looking in the mirror and this time not feeling old, but strong and beautiful. All right, I still have some weight to lose after childbirth, have to buy some good creams to perish the wrinkles maybe, smile when Ezra fusses and let him know that I am his mum forever, and he can count on me anytime.
I responded the e-mails I had received over a month ago and realized that put my soul into them. Sometimes I wish I received the letters/e-mails as soulful as my own. I used to receive ones from one special girl from Osnabruck and then she quit because I could never find time to answer properly and now feel very bad about that. Isn't it sad that we usually forget/ignore/hurt people who deserve much more than others?
I wish I was a good, altruistic kind of person. Or maybe I don't wish it honestly and all I really care about is to look in the mirror and feel good about myself and only. Don't we all want that actually? Feel good about ourselves? That's when we're happy expressing what we are or what we want to be.
I guess I need vacations. I need more time with my husband. I need the sea, and the starry night that makes you forget everything including mirrors and 27 wrinkles on one's forehead.
Last mirror and I am gone.
27 is the age of beautiful death, but no worries I do neither drugs nor rock'n roll. I used to wish I did, but now I think that is ridiculous. Everything is stupid but family. Nothing is worth in this life but loving and let be loved, have babies and spread more love.
Do I sound like John Lennon? Stop war make love-ish or something, I know.
I did not mean to post tonight at all. This blog has become just dwelling place for me where I could come and hide into its caves, you know what I mean. Few people ever read it so I feel like looking in the mirror and this time not feeling old, but strong and beautiful. All right, I still have some weight to lose after childbirth, have to buy some good creams to perish the wrinkles maybe, smile when Ezra fusses and let him know that I am his mum forever, and he can count on me anytime.
I responded the e-mails I had received over a month ago and realized that put my soul into them. Sometimes I wish I received the letters/e-mails as soulful as my own. I used to receive ones from one special girl from Osnabruck and then she quit because I could never find time to answer properly and now feel very bad about that. Isn't it sad that we usually forget/ignore/hurt people who deserve much more than others?
I wish I was a good, altruistic kind of person. Or maybe I don't wish it honestly and all I really care about is to look in the mirror and feel good about myself and only. Don't we all want that actually? Feel good about ourselves? That's when we're happy expressing what we are or what we want to be.
I guess I need vacations. I need more time with my husband. I need the sea, and the starry night that makes you forget everything including mirrors and 27 wrinkles on one's forehead.
Last mirror and I am gone.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Becoming oneself
Yes, pregnancy is hard, but being mum is harder. Forget the sleepless nights and early morning wake ups, forget the sore nipples in the beginning that make you scream and mad at the baby, never mind changing diapers with funny consistency in them; it is also you that changes when you become mum. Your life is never going to be the same. You will never be the same (thank G-d, don't wanna be either). The self of yours will change.
Every girl dreams about marriage, rather they dream about beautiful shiny wedding, princess gown, lovely guy that looks his best that day, people who came to watch and cherish the couple... all that cliche, you know.
Last year I was the main character of that cliche thing actually.
Got married in June 2011.
It was beautiful, I admit. There were my dear friends and people who I love, respect and wished to be there. It was a tiny dreamy day. Really.
It was about time, yes, I was no toddler definitely; at my 26 I had realized I was ready to tie the knot (boy, sounds this funny!) with this good man making me melt down like Amelie. So I did.
Even in my wildest dreams I would not be having traditional (orthodox actually) Jewish wedding with loads of charedi rabbis. I used to think I was a wild flower - to be sunny, funny and witty all the way.
Now I don't think marriage did any harm to my wild flowery character. It might have even improved me in a way one does when gets married and changes its life. I told to one of my closest friends that marriage is a huge challenge and being mum - battlefield :D it is, isn't it? True values have price to pay - change yourself, fight the demons that might be your inner friends and calm yourself down when baby cries so hard you have no idea how to soothe him.
Thus, it's been a year since then and we had a baby boy in April 2012, little prePesach wonder of ours. Ezra's his name and he's got my blue greyish eyes. He smiles as seldom as his dad, very much ashkenazi indeed.
This year has been quite a year. We've had some ups and downs as everyone does. We had hard times and we overcame them; this year made my post-feminist spirit realize that I belong to someone and actually like it;
I do cook, clean, do all the housewife thing, sometimes get mad (that's all media putting pressure) that women are never appreciated as they deserve; I am becoming one of those Jewish mums always having a cake or two in the fridge.
I can't really tell you where I stand now. I do not have much time for thinking, I have to do all as fast as I can, get some sleep, be a loving wife, take care of the baby, and only then I look in the mirror and see the familiar face of that post-feminist wild flower having found her true self. Oneself.
Every girl dreams about marriage, rather they dream about beautiful shiny wedding, princess gown, lovely guy that looks his best that day, people who came to watch and cherish the couple... all that cliche, you know.
Last year I was the main character of that cliche thing actually.
Got married in June 2011.
It was beautiful, I admit. There were my dear friends and people who I love, respect and wished to be there. It was a tiny dreamy day. Really.
It was about time, yes, I was no toddler definitely; at my 26 I had realized I was ready to tie the knot (boy, sounds this funny!) with this good man making me melt down like Amelie. So I did.
Even in my wildest dreams I would not be having traditional (orthodox actually) Jewish wedding with loads of charedi rabbis. I used to think I was a wild flower - to be sunny, funny and witty all the way.
Now I don't think marriage did any harm to my wild flowery character. It might have even improved me in a way one does when gets married and changes its life. I told to one of my closest friends that marriage is a huge challenge and being mum - battlefield :D it is, isn't it? True values have price to pay - change yourself, fight the demons that might be your inner friends and calm yourself down when baby cries so hard you have no idea how to soothe him.
Thus, it's been a year since then and we had a baby boy in April 2012, little prePesach wonder of ours. Ezra's his name and he's got my blue greyish eyes. He smiles as seldom as his dad, very much ashkenazi indeed.
This year has been quite a year. We've had some ups and downs as everyone does. We had hard times and we overcame them; this year made my post-feminist spirit realize that I belong to someone and actually like it;
I do cook, clean, do all the housewife thing, sometimes get mad (that's all media putting pressure) that women are never appreciated as they deserve; I am becoming one of those Jewish mums always having a cake or two in the fridge.
I can't really tell you where I stand now. I do not have much time for thinking, I have to do all as fast as I can, get some sleep, be a loving wife, take care of the baby, and only then I look in the mirror and see the familiar face of that post-feminist wild flower having found her true self. Oneself.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
State of mind
Happiness is just a state of your mind,
Keep searching who knows what you may find...
The Spice Girls "Something Kinda Funny"
Have you ever looked at yourself from the other side and asked a question: are you happy, darling? I have.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and haven't recognized the face there? I have.
Have you ever lived somewhere and felt that you were not actually there? I have.
Have you ever loved yourself so much that almost started to hate? I have.
Have you ever danced tango at the Rio De La Plata in Buenos Aires? Me neither.
Have you ever met Salinger? I wish I had.
And this is none of those famous post-partum issues that one might have. I think I have passed all that already. It is all just Leipzig Sunday weather making it blue.
Well, thing is that I am a big fat or real slim shady or whatever mum now. I have two months old baby. I hardly sleep at nights and in the morning, which starts at 5 am, I try to be smily and happy for my baby.
G-d, is life hard!
Happiness is hard too. I mean to keep being happy is. My point is we all have dreamt about happiness not even knowing what that could have been.
Suddenly I feel so exhausted I tell myself, Sophie, just hold on, this too shall pass (not my copyright definitely), just take it easy and GROW UP! Yes, I keep telling myself to grow up and stop being this wannabe Drew Barrymore character.
I try to be calm and good. I want to be calm and good as a matter of fact. I want to be happy and satisfied with life, I want to be tuned in with the environment around me which doesn't always work. It has never worked anyway.
I was reading "Franny and Zooey" to my baby boy the other day. He did not really seemed that interested for he fell asleep soon on my chest but I kept reading and reading, feeling for Franny and later for Zooey too. Isn't it crazy that no matter what these guys are always there on my Ikea bookshelf to cherish me and stand by me? IT IS!
Keep searching, Soph. Please go on.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Since then
I decided to open up all curtains after pocketful of rain and get down to blogging. Literally. There was quite a rain today in Leipzig.
It's been more than a month I've blogged and since then our life has changed for good.
Last post was published on 2nd of April and two days later, after all that water breaking story you have seen in movies, I gave birth to a tiny baby boy at Leipzig's Uniklinikum.
So that makes me a brand new mum.
Labour is tough. Even though my delivery was so quick you wouldn't believe; it still was painful and took me several weeks to get over it. I used to have nightmares and emotional outbursts such as crying about everything and feeling very tender. Some call it babyblues, some may call it postpartum thing and I call it - Sophieish nerves.
Chronologically:
on Wednesday morning (04.04.12) when my husband and I were to go shopping after breakfast and get a buggy, I woke up with terribly swollen feet and water flowing underneath. Not usual water as we all know from the movies, but different and much less than that.
I was due 20 days later and never in my mind did I expect baby to come so early, especially two days before Pesach. Not suitable time at all while we were not done with the festival cleaning. I did not want it to happen like that, I wanted to control my body, but ironically nobody can do that even me (man, this self-confidence is killing me!).
Even at the hospital when midwife was smiling and calming me down I did not believe I would give birth so early. Even then when baby stuck out his head and I thought this would never end I still thought it was too early and I would push him back if I could. Insane. I know.
Well, baby did not think so. He definitely had his reasons to break away and spend Pesach with his parents. It was difficult, but with G-d's help we managed it. My husband did his best shlepping all the yom tov food to the hospital (for food all the credit to Emma Chandalov and Tora Zentrum von Leipzig), we had our fresh family seders there and I would say it was the best time I have ever had.
Leipzig's Uniklinikum is very recommended to everyone who thinks can handle many people and keep nice to the medical students who come in and out checking baby's and your blood pressure, smiling and being very nice all the time, almost every hour. Everyone was so friendly and smily there, you would forget you're in Germany. It did not feel very hospitalish, let me tell you, rather homely.
Now it's been almost 6 weeks we've been home and break away baby's name is Ezra, giving tribute to Avraham Ybn Ezra's father and to Ezra haSofer that's been so inspiring all the way.
What else can I say?
Being mum is so personal. Everything is very private, sometimes hard, but still very sweet.
It's been more than a month I've blogged and since then our life has changed for good.
Last post was published on 2nd of April and two days later, after all that water breaking story you have seen in movies, I gave birth to a tiny baby boy at Leipzig's Uniklinikum.
So that makes me a brand new mum.
Labour is tough. Even though my delivery was so quick you wouldn't believe; it still was painful and took me several weeks to get over it. I used to have nightmares and emotional outbursts such as crying about everything and feeling very tender. Some call it babyblues, some may call it postpartum thing and I call it - Sophieish nerves.
Chronologically:
on Wednesday morning (04.04.12) when my husband and I were to go shopping after breakfast and get a buggy, I woke up with terribly swollen feet and water flowing underneath. Not usual water as we all know from the movies, but different and much less than that.
I was due 20 days later and never in my mind did I expect baby to come so early, especially two days before Pesach. Not suitable time at all while we were not done with the festival cleaning. I did not want it to happen like that, I wanted to control my body, but ironically nobody can do that even me (man, this self-confidence is killing me!).
Even at the hospital when midwife was smiling and calming me down I did not believe I would give birth so early. Even then when baby stuck out his head and I thought this would never end I still thought it was too early and I would push him back if I could. Insane. I know.
Well, baby did not think so. He definitely had his reasons to break away and spend Pesach with his parents. It was difficult, but with G-d's help we managed it. My husband did his best shlepping all the yom tov food to the hospital (for food all the credit to Emma Chandalov and Tora Zentrum von Leipzig), we had our fresh family seders there and I would say it was the best time I have ever had.
Leipzig's Uniklinikum is very recommended to everyone who thinks can handle many people and keep nice to the medical students who come in and out checking baby's and your blood pressure, smiling and being very nice all the time, almost every hour. Everyone was so friendly and smily there, you would forget you're in Germany. It did not feel very hospitalish, let me tell you, rather homely.
Now it's been almost 6 weeks we've been home and break away baby's name is Ezra, giving tribute to Avraham Ybn Ezra's father and to Ezra haSofer that's been so inspiring all the way.
What else can I say?
Being mum is so personal. Everything is very private, sometimes hard, but still very sweet.
Monday, April 2, 2012
סרוגים - the show that revealed me secrets
You may laugh at me, but before I've seen this show "Srugim", I considered myself something of a kind that they call "modern orthodox". Well, I was wrong. I have always been very bad at labeling people and even worse when it came to us. It actually appeared that being modern orthodox does not mean wearing tichel instead of sheitel or not wearing black clothes and not covering your chestline up to "neckbones". I did not know that there are people in Israel considering themselves as modern orthodox, keeping Shabbat (in a way they think it's correct), women partially covering their head and sometimes even breaking shomer negiah rule which would be women and men shaking hands and so on.
Well, Mrs Sophie Kaufman, sorry but you are no modern orthodox, never were and never will be most probably.
Neither because my husband wears black kippah and would never consider to switch it to crocheted one nor me that believes shomer negiah is one of the very important principles in Jewish tradition, NO, because I believe you either keep all the commandments and live according completely to Torah or it is just playing some game like they do in the show.
Show is all right though, at least some people may become interested exploring their religion and tradition more, concentrate on their spirituality and environment.
I absolutely like the friendship between these young people, they support each other, spend Shabbat together but when it comes to family life they don't show any interest and you don't even see their families (except some crazy brother showing up and revealing he actually doesn't believe in G-d, just fooling around).
I read some interesting article about this show saying that it encourages single couples who do not get married so soon as some others to search for other options, live modern life while still keeping commandments and remaining traditional, that helps them not to feel outcast because very often society puts huge pressure on them. There is definitely some truth in it, and we all know in most religious circles it is very hard to stay single (and happy) for a long time, that would label you as a "picky", weirdo or someone too smart (that was my favourite "label" when I was single).
Since I have single friends who are already at their late twenties and some even at their early thirties, can't agree more and I wish I could support them more for life and some people treat them little harshly. This show does support them though.
"Srugim" is a show for the age 25+ audience not for teenagers. I doubt teenagers would even really watch it, but still there is always some kind of attraction to see popular shows and create role models. You find no role model in this show though, at least I could not find one.
There is this main character Yifati, newly married, emotional and loud young woman who gets pregnant and is bossing over her really sweet husband. There is also a former frum teacher Hodeya still teaching in a religious school but having secret tattoo on her back; then there's this funny and lovely green-eyed rich girl Reut, who tries to figure our her feminism and spiritual level making kiddush on Friday evening while men listen.
Men are also present in this show, but not so interesting as women, if you ask me. They try their best but women upstage them as usually. I heard critics about characters' outfit and looks being very ordinary, but I believe that's exactly what made this show so popular: actors are very natural, dressed casually and for us who know how religious people dress have no complaint. It is mostly about attitude and not the outfit we all know it even though dress code is as important in Judaism as any other commandment to keep. They do it quite good.
Anyways, modern orthodox or charedi, whatever one might be, I think G-d brings us all together and makes us love each other for Pesach is coming up, we're free to be and first of all - one should free its mind, soul and accept its people, nourish everyone in need and show affection no matter of the dress length or the kippah colour.
Pesach veKosher Sameach!!!
Love,
Sophie-who-has-just-realized-herself-unlabeled-and-is-very-happy-about-it :)
Monday, March 12, 2012
2012 Purim, Ok and that's all for now
This year's been full of changes and saying this I feel like deja vu all the time. I think since 2010 my life's been going through such changes that one may go crazy. As for myself - do not worry, never heard someone went in the same water twice as they say.
Anyway, Purim was good, but as every other festival, you wait for it forever and it lasts for a second, then the celebration is gone and you're left with the hope of next and better one. Oh, and loads of chametz to finish till Pesach.
Yes, I baked loads of Hamantaschen this year for Purim and hope people liked them. We had them for Shabbat dessert too and my husband thought they were good enough; since he's only fond of a Russian type of creamy-sweets and fat tarts, it sounded quite as a compliment.
Making Gozinaki did torture me though. I stayed up till late to make it proper so that one could've given away. You need patience to make a good Gozinaki, trust me as I come from "the land of nuts and honey". In the end it came out delicious indeed and hope, people who tried it did not regret knowing me.
That's how our Purim went.
We had this very extraordinary Purim hopping party where we visited three families of our community. Each one of them had a very original idea for food and drinks, there were Russian, Mexican and USA snacks. Very enjoyable, truly. I love Leipzig community more and more, relaxed and family-like, you can be in your shoes and be happy if you know what I mean. Usually it is always hard to stay in your shoes and not to try some fancier ones but the thing is I've always preferred my mainstream shoes to others' couture ones so I like Leipzig better than any other place I've ever lived; even in Tbilisi you get depressed about shoes and all the material crap that is. Well, it's not about the shoes you can always tell.
So right now I absolutely second east Germany.
Pesach is coming up so are some of my important dates and it makes me nervous how am I supposed to clean and prepare everything with my growing self? :) Then I just remember I should not worry and stress myself, but let it go and as I've read here, just feel OK, because when I am OK, everyone else around is OK too.
OK?
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Never drew away!!!
Everybody knows how I love Drew Barrymore, and why I love her. She probably is one of the very few Hollywood personalities that does not play diva and is always simple. She turned 37 today, still 10 years senior and imagine, I grew up watching her movies and feeling for her when she used to go through hard times in her life.
Drew is a dream sister, isn't she?
What's also very admirable in her that she knows how to dress according her age and been there and done that, she doesn't show much of a flesh nowadays. I love people who grow and develop, who learn from life and don't let it bring them down.
I truly hope and pray that this year's going to be marvelous for Drew and her fiance, hope their relationship will work for good and they will have happy marriage; will have many healthy children and Drew will be as accomplished mother as a person she is!!!
P.S. Watched her on Ellen and I loved her saying about her fiance that he is a very good man. Not showing off too much love and how this and that they are, but just saying he's a good man :) he'd better be.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DREW!!!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
M
It does not happen very often that you have known a person forever and after years that person shows up again all grown up and sophisticated. Then you proudly say: yes, I've always known she would make it.
I was a teenager when I saw Michelle Williams on "Dawson's creek" for the first time and I loved her at once. There was Katie Holmes's character that everybody loved, but I didn't, she had too annoying voice.
Michelle was different.
Time went by and so did the emotions caused by the "Dawson's creek" while I still hate Dawson for being a total creep, not in a good sense though.
I grew up as most people do.
And I saw "If these walls could talk 2". I stayed at my friend's. She went to sleep early and I did not know what to do (there was no internet yet), so I turned the TV on and saw this movie which made a quite impression on me. There are greater actresses in this movie than not-so-well-known Michelle Williams or Chloe Sevigny, but they upstage everyone else around. Who knows, it might just be that I was in 10th grade or something by that time and the subject interested me, like of that feminism, homosexuality and the 70's. The movie is quite emotional and powerful, in an indie Hollywood way though. Probably I wouldn't be that impressed if I saw it now.
Michelle Williams still got it.
The other movie that made me cry was "Me without you". Well, I could not quite identify myself with her character in this movie, but there was something common between us anyway. Smart Jewish girl being friends with the bohemian British girl from crazy family, falling for the brother of the latter; giving up her feelings, thoughts and principles for the childhood friendship. At that time I had also given up "something" (for the different reason) and had let it go.
I've cried over this movie and the feelings of Williams' character because I knew exactly how she felt.
Luckily, that something that I had almost given up did not let me go...
And now she went Marilyn. I wouldn't exaggerate if I say that she's the best Marilyn that has ever been made so far. You know how I adore Marilyn Monroe, so before I watched the trailer I told myself not to judge and not expect anything at all. Just watch and listen. You should never ask from any director or actress to create better Marilyn than she was herself. Impossible.
Michelle did it.
Michelle did it and not because she looks exactly like Marilyn, or walks and talks like her; no, simply because she has this rare humbleness in her character that Marilyn too had. She has a low profile and does not make dramas out of her life, others do.
Michelle created Marilyn and did not spoil anything. She did not try to be more attractive than expected; did not overdo with the appearance or voice.
And what made me happy was that Michelle did not make that terrible looking-fool eyes that most actresses have done when performing Marilyn. Face it, only Marilyn Monroe could do that natural-looking-fool-winking because playing fool is hard especially when it doesn't become to anyone.
Well deserved Golden Globe and more to come.
Michelle, I always knew it. I really did.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Isaiah
Sometimes we have such calm and relaxing Shabbat I absolutely forget the outside world and just immerse myself in my warm home.
This morning I had time to read the weekly parshah "shmot" and its haftarah which was from Isaiah. The latter prophets tend to sadden me: Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ovadiah, but this week's haftarah was not that depressing. It was about the redeemer, theme of hope and rejoice.
Who are we hoping for? Do we really believe that the messiah could really help? Can he really change the social rules or make our economy better? Are we just too infantile to long for the warm motherly chest where you feel so safe you would never leave it if you knew the harshness of the world.
This is hard to understand.
I think the redeemer is inside us. Each one of us was born to carry its burden and not to give in. Yes, sometimes it might get unbearable and you feel so weak you wish you could scream and shout and bring the messiah right away. It does not happen that way though. It never will.
I remember we had amazing Rabbi Osher Baddiel last year visiting the midrasha and giving quite intellectual shiurim about Mashiach. That's what he also said quoting Rambam. Mashiach is not someone who comes and takes away all your debts, or makes water into wine. He could be anything and anyone. He is not to come and make the world easier place to live. No. The world has been designed the way it is, Adam and Eve had done what they could to make our lives extravagant and now it is all up to us to live it. To change what's been done and make the world better place.
What is the WORLD though?
Outside world is nothing that impresses me lately.
I am building this little sunny world inside. You can't change anything without changing yourself, or at least trying to.
Last year was so full of emotions and making decisions, long distance relationship, engagement, wedding, new place, new people... new environment; new him and me. And as it usually happens - loads and loads of people watching you, discussing you, wondering about your life and asking questions forgetting to respect your privacy.
Then, behold, as they say in old books: I realized this is also a part of my life. Part of my searching of the messiah that is none other but us.
Yes, life is meant to be complicated because only then you understand the importance of your people, uniqueness of the person G-d has given you, and last but not least - yourself - all grown up and still growing, groaning and moaning like an old lioness seeking justice and peace.
This morning I had time to read the weekly parshah "shmot" and its haftarah which was from Isaiah. The latter prophets tend to sadden me: Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ovadiah, but this week's haftarah was not that depressing. It was about the redeemer, theme of hope and rejoice.
Who are we hoping for? Do we really believe that the messiah could really help? Can he really change the social rules or make our economy better? Are we just too infantile to long for the warm motherly chest where you feel so safe you would never leave it if you knew the harshness of the world.
This is hard to understand.
I think the redeemer is inside us. Each one of us was born to carry its burden and not to give in. Yes, sometimes it might get unbearable and you feel so weak you wish you could scream and shout and bring the messiah right away. It does not happen that way though. It never will.
I remember we had amazing Rabbi Osher Baddiel last year visiting the midrasha and giving quite intellectual shiurim about Mashiach. That's what he also said quoting Rambam. Mashiach is not someone who comes and takes away all your debts, or makes water into wine. He could be anything and anyone. He is not to come and make the world easier place to live. No. The world has been designed the way it is, Adam and Eve had done what they could to make our lives extravagant and now it is all up to us to live it. To change what's been done and make the world better place.
What is the WORLD though?
Outside world is nothing that impresses me lately.
I am building this little sunny world inside. You can't change anything without changing yourself, or at least trying to.
Last year was so full of emotions and making decisions, long distance relationship, engagement, wedding, new place, new people... new environment; new him and me. And as it usually happens - loads and loads of people watching you, discussing you, wondering about your life and asking questions forgetting to respect your privacy.
Then, behold, as they say in old books: I realized this is also a part of my life. Part of my searching of the messiah that is none other but us.
Yes, life is meant to be complicated because only then you understand the importance of your people, uniqueness of the person G-d has given you, and last but not least - yourself - all grown up and still growing, groaning and moaning like an old lioness seeking justice and peace.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Capricorn - THE SIGN
To Alla, the true Capricorn from Hannover
Careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.
Are you a Capricorn?
You cannot just be a Capricorn, you needed to earn to be one somehow. Cannot really tell why do some people deserve to be Capricorns but in fact they do.
I do.
So do you.
Life is what you make it, I have always believed especially then, when I left my sunny home for this cold country and the Berlin Midrasha which changed my life.
Still, looking back and remembering people, things, places that I've seen, been or had, made me realize that everything would be different if I was not a Capricorn. Thank G-d, I am.
Any book you read about zodiac signs you see that the Capricorn is an Earthly sign with strong character traits: ambitious, organized, motivated, stubborn and humorous. What else can you ask for in this world?..
No book or paper will provide you with the true Capricorn features though.
Should I try to?
Well:
All we really strive for is LOVE.
All we really care about is LOVE.
All we really give is LOVE.
All right, some might chuckle about our "lovability" which can get very weird sometimes, because all we do is to put our heart and mind in it and might get obsessed with ideas and ideals, note it.
All or nothing.
There is a little funny fact I cannot get away with. Girl Capricorns always marry THE ones. It might seem little funny but all these four women I mention below were born under the Capricorn sign and please don't tell it is just a coincidence. There are no such thing in my mind. There is something supernatural about Capricorns:
Princess Kate
Michelle Obama
Mrs Saakashvili
Madame Sarkozy
Although your husband is neither prince nor president now, remember, it is just about time. Just about time, have patience ;)
Honestly speaking, it is always up to women what way to choose and which shoes to wear (in this case not literally); and the girl Capricorn is much matured and witty than the boy as it always happens between sexes.
- Even if a girl Capricorn looks weak and needs a shoulder to cry on, at the end of the day it is her who showers her friends and family with love and comfort, never losing strength and being energetic when exhausted.
- Girl Capricorn is confident, extremely sensitive and there is little scary thing about her: she can also get icy cold and not let anyone get close. She can shut down herself, eat oneself inside out but never show it to others.
- Capricorns are very goal-oriented indeed, but most of them do not really care about career. Admit it. Capricorns would love to break free and never let system get them down. They would love to live peaceful life - write, paint, travel and give as much love as it is possible.
- What is most adorable about Capricorn is that it never loses hope and keeps positivity shining through; Capricorns never give up and if they ever do, it is just because they have found something better to go after.
Capricorns will always rule (at least their husbands will).
Happy Birthday dear Capricorns of the world, enjoy life! Don't be afraid to rise and fall. Love and be loved. Let the sunshine in!!!
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