Yiddishe mama

I'm cooking Zimes/Tzimes, SO yiddishe, you know it. My husband is very very yiddishe man indeed. He was brought up in a family where his grandmum, father and uncle used to talk in little yiddish. And now that memory is so deep in his conscience that anything Yiddish means sweet and dear for him.
That's how I came to cook to him Zimmes for Shabbat. He mentioned couple of times there was this "Meren zimmes" (meaning german Möhre (carrot)) that his grandmother used to cook and he would love to taste it again. I found a recipe which goes this simple:

1 kg carrot
1/2 c sugar and 2tbs honey
50 gr raisins
100 gr butter or light margarine

Chop (I actually had carrots grated) carrots and simply stir all the ingredients in the pot at once. Cook it for 40-50 minutes on a low temperature. Oh, and before adding raisins, they need to be soaked in a hot boiled water for 15 minutes, then mix with other products in the pot.

Some people add nuts or other dry fruits to this dish, like apricot. Some even make zimmes out of sweet potatoes. Choice is yours as long as you enjoy making it and having your family happily fed on Shabbat. This is the main goal of every yiddishe mama which I think I might be becoming. But I promise I'll try not to spoil Ezra as every Jewish mum does - cooking and baking so perfectly that daughter-in-law has to work hard (really hard, I can attest to that) to impress her husband. I am a cool mum and should be even cooler mum-in-law, BS''D!

Shabbat Shalom, should say A GIT SHABBES!!!

(Just a week and little more before Rosh Hashanah! Man, so much to learn, work on and last, but NOT least, to cook loads for yom tov.)

27 mirrors

I looked in the mirror this evening and noticed wrinkles on my forehead. It felt so old, I cannot even describe. I felt like I've lived thousands of years and still more coming while I am already old and wrinkly lady. It's funny actually. I am not that old, am I?
27 is the age of beautiful death, but no worries I do neither drugs nor rock'n roll. I used to wish I did, but now I think that is ridiculous. Everything is stupid but family. Nothing is worth in this life but loving and let be loved, have babies and spread more love.
Do I sound like John Lennon? Stop war make love-ish or something, I know.

I did not mean to post tonight at all. This blog has become just dwelling place for me where I could come and hide into its caves, you know what I mean. Few people ever read it so I feel like looking in the mirror and this time not feeling old, but strong and beautiful. All right, I still have some weight to lose after childbirth, have to buy some good creams to perish the wrinkles maybe, smile when Ezra fusses and let him know that I am his mum forever, and he can count on me anytime.

I responded the e-mails I had received over a month ago and realized that put my soul into them. Sometimes I wish I received the letters/e-mails as soulful as my own. I used to receive ones from one special girl from Osnabruck and then she quit because I could never find time to answer properly and now feel very bad about that. Isn't it sad that we usually forget/ignore/hurt people who deserve much more than others?

I wish I was a good, altruistic kind of person. Or maybe I don't wish it honestly and all I really care about is to look in the mirror and feel good about myself and only. Don't we all want that actually? Feel good about ourselves? That's when we're happy expressing what we are or what we want to be.
I guess I need vacations. I need more time with my husband. I need the sea, and the starry night that makes you forget everything including mirrors and 27 wrinkles on one's forehead.

Last mirror and I am gone.

Becoming oneself

Yes, pregnancy is hard, but being mum is harder. Forget the sleepless nights and early morning wake ups, forget the sore nipples in the beginning that make you scream and mad at the baby, never mind changing diapers with funny consistency in them; it is also you that changes when you become mum. Your life is never going to be the same. You will never be the same (thank G-d, don't wanna be either). The self of yours will change.

 

Every girl dreams about marriage, rather they dream about beautiful shiny wedding, princess gown, lovely guy that looks his best that day, people who came to watch and cherish the couple... all that cliche, you know.
Last year I was the main character of that cliche thing actually.
Got married in June 2011.
It was beautiful, I admit. There were my dear friends and people who I love, respect and wished to be there. It was a tiny dreamy day. Really.
It was about time, yes, I was no toddler definitely; at my 26 I had realized I was ready to tie the knot (boy, sounds this funny!) with this good man making me melt down like Amelie. So I did.
Even in my wildest dreams I would not be having traditional (orthodox actually) Jewish wedding with loads of charedi rabbis. I used to think I was a wild flower - to be sunny, funny and witty all the way.
Now I don't think marriage did any harm to my wild flowery character. It might have even improved me in a way one does when gets married and changes its life. I told to one of my closest friends that marriage is a huge challenge and being mum - battlefield :D it is, isn't it? True values have price to pay - change yourself, fight the demons that might be your inner friends and calm yourself down when baby cries so hard you have no idea how to soothe him.

Thus, it's been a year since then and we had a baby boy in April 2012, little prePesach wonder of ours. Ezra's his name and he's got my blue greyish eyes. He smiles as seldom as his dad, very much ashkenazi indeed.

This year has been quite a year. We've had some ups and downs as everyone does. We had hard times and we overcame them; this year made my post-feminist spirit realize that I belong to someone and actually like it;
I do cook, clean, do all the housewife thing, sometimes get mad (that's all media putting pressure) that women are never appreciated as they deserve; I am becoming one of those Jewish mums always having a cake or two in the fridge.

I can't really tell you where I stand now. I do not have much time for thinking, I have to do all as fast as I can, get some sleep, be a loving wife, take care of the baby, and only then I look in the mirror and see the familiar face of that post-feminist wild flower having found her true self. Oneself.

State of mind

Happiness is just a state of your mind,
Keep searching who knows what you may find...

The Spice Girls "Something Kinda Funny"

Have you ever looked at yourself from the other side and asked a question: are you happy, darling? I have.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and haven't recognized the face there? I have.
Have you ever lived somewhere and felt that you were not actually there? I have.
Have you ever loved yourself so much that almost started to hate? I have.
Have you ever danced tango at the Rio De La Plata in Buenos Aires? Me neither.
Have you ever met Salinger? I wish I had.
And this is none of those famous post-partum issues that one might have. I think I have passed all that already. It is all just Leipzig Sunday weather making it blue.

 

Well, thing is that I am a big fat or real slim shady or whatever mum now. I have two months old baby. I hardly sleep at nights and in the morning, which starts at 5 am, I try to be smily and happy for my baby.
G-d, is life hard!
Happiness is hard too. I mean to keep being happy is. My point is we all have dreamt about happiness not even knowing what that could have been.
Suddenly I feel so exhausted I tell myself, Sophie, just hold on, this too shall pass (not my copyright definitely), just take it easy and GROW UP! Yes, I keep telling myself to grow up and stop being this wannabe Drew Barrymore character.
I try to be calm and good. I want to be calm and good as a matter of fact. I want to be happy and satisfied with life, I want to be tuned in with the environment around me which doesn't always work. It has never worked anyway.

I was reading "Franny and Zooey" to my baby boy the other day. He did not really seemed that interested for he fell asleep soon on my chest but I kept reading and reading, feeling for Franny and later for Zooey too. Isn't it crazy that no matter what these guys are always there on my Ikea bookshelf to cherish me and stand by me? IT IS!

Keep searching, Soph. Please go on.

Since then

I decided to open up all curtains after pocketful of rain and get down to blogging. Literally. There was quite a rain today in Leipzig.
It's been more than a month I've blogged and since then our life has changed for good.
Last post was published on 2nd of April and two days later, after all that water breaking story you have seen in movies, I gave birth to a tiny baby boy at Leipzig's Uniklinikum.
So that makes me a brand new mum.
Labour is tough. Even though my delivery was so quick you wouldn't believe; it still was painful and took me several weeks to get over it. I used to have nightmares and emotional outbursts such as crying about everything and feeling very tender. Some call it babyblues, some may call it postpartum thing and I call it - Sophieish nerves.

Chronologically:
on Wednesday morning (04.04.12) when my husband and I were to go shopping after breakfast and get a buggy, I woke up with terribly swollen feet and water flowing underneath. Not usual water as we all know from the movies, but different and much less than that.
I was due 20 days later and never in my mind did I expect baby to come so early, especially two days before Pesach. Not suitable time at all while we were not done with the festival cleaning. I did not want it to happen like that, I wanted to control my body, but ironically nobody can do that even me (man, this self-confidence is killing me!).
Even at the hospital when midwife was smiling and calming me down I did not believe I would give birth so early. Even then when baby stuck out his head and I thought this would never end I still thought it was too early and I would push him back if I could. Insane. I know.
Well, baby did not think so. He definitely had his reasons to break away and spend Pesach with his parents. It was difficult, but with G-d's help we managed it. My husband did his best shlepping all the yom tov food to the hospital (for food all the credit to Emma Chandalov and Tora Zentrum von Leipzig), we had our fresh family seders there and I would say it was the best time I have ever had.

Leipzig's Uniklinikum is very recommended to everyone who thinks can handle many people and keep nice to the medical students who come in and out checking baby's and your blood pressure, smiling and being very nice all the time, almost every hour. Everyone was so friendly and smily there, you would forget you're in Germany. It did not feel very hospitalish, let me tell you, rather homely.

Now it's been almost 6 weeks we've been home and break away baby's name is Ezra, giving tribute to Avraham Ybn Ezra's father and to Ezra haSofer that's been so inspiring all the way.
What else can I say?
Being mum is so personal. Everything is very private, sometimes hard, but still very sweet.

סרוגים - the show that revealed me secrets

You may laugh at me, but before I've seen this show "Srugim", I considered myself something of a kind that they call "modern orthodox". Well, I was wrong. I have always been very bad at labeling people and even worse when it came to us. It actually appeared that being modern orthodox does not mean wearing tichel instead of sheitel or not wearing black clothes and not covering your chestline up to "neckbones". I did not know that there are people in Israel considering themselves as modern orthodox, keeping Shabbat (in a way they think it's correct), women partially covering their head and sometimes even breaking shomer negiah rule which would be women and men shaking hands and so on.

Well, Mrs Sophie Kaufman, sorry but you are no modern orthodox, never were and never will be most probably.
Neither because my husband wears black kippah and would never consider to switch it to crocheted one nor me that believes shomer negiah is one of the very important principles in Jewish tradition, NO, because I believe you either keep all the commandments and live according completely to Torah or it is just playing some game like they do in the show.


Show is all right though, at least some people may become interested exploring their religion and tradition more, concentrate on their spirituality and environment.
I absolutely like the friendship between these young people, they support each other, spend Shabbat together but when it comes to family life they don't show any interest and you don't even see their families (except some crazy brother showing up and revealing he actually doesn't believe in G-d, just fooling around).

I read some interesting article about this show saying that it encourages single couples who do not get married so soon as some others to search for other options, live modern life while still keeping commandments and remaining traditional, that helps them not to feel outcast because very often society puts huge pressure on them. There is definitely some truth in it, and we all know in most religious circles it is very hard to stay single (and happy) for a long time, that would label you as a "picky", weirdo or someone too smart (that was my favourite "label" when I was single).
Since I have single friends who are already at their late twenties and some even at their early thirties, can't agree more and I wish I could support them more for life and some people treat them little harshly. This show does support them though.

"Srugim" is a show for the age 25+ audience not for teenagers. I doubt teenagers would even really watch it, but still there is always some kind of attraction to see popular shows and create role models. You find no role model in this show though, at least I could not find one.
There is this main character Yifati, newly married, emotional and loud young woman who gets pregnant and is bossing over her really sweet husband. There is also a former frum teacher Hodeya still teaching in a religious school but having secret tattoo on her back; then there's this funny and lovely green-eyed rich girl Reut, who tries to figure our her feminism and spiritual level making kiddush on Friday evening while men listen.
Men are also present in this show, but not so interesting as women, if you ask me. They try their best but women upstage them as usually. I heard critics about characters' outfit and looks being very ordinary, but I believe that's exactly what made this show so popular: actors are very natural, dressed casually and for us who know how religious people dress have no complaint. It is mostly about attitude and not the outfit we all know it even though dress code is as important in Judaism as any other commandment to keep. They do it quite good.

Anyways, modern orthodox or charedi, whatever one might be, I think G-d brings us all together and makes us love each other for Pesach is coming up, we're free to be and first of all - one should free its mind, soul and accept its people, nourish everyone in need and show affection no matter of the dress length or the kippah colour.

Pesach veKosher Sameach!!!

Love,

Sophie-who-has-just-realized-herself-unlabeled-and-is-very-happy-about-it :)

2012 Purim, Ok and that's all for now

This year's been full of changes and saying this I feel like deja vu all the time. I think since 2010 my life's been going through such changes that one may go crazy. As for myself - do not worry, never heard someone went in the same water twice as they say.

Anyway, Purim was good, but as every other festival, you wait for it forever and it lasts for a second, then the celebration is gone and you're left with the hope of next and better one. Oh, and loads of chametz to finish till Pesach.


Yes, I baked loads of Hamantaschen this year for Purim and hope people liked them. We had them for Shabbat dessert too and my husband thought they were good enough; since he's only fond of a Russian type of creamy-sweets and fat tarts, it sounded quite as a compliment.
Making Gozinaki did torture me though. I stayed up till late to make it proper so that one could've given away. You need patience to make a good Gozinaki, trust me as I come from "the land of nuts and honey". In the end it came out delicious indeed and hope, people who tried it did not regret knowing me.
That's how our Purim went.
We had this very extraordinary Purim hopping party where we visited three families of our community. Each one of them had a very original idea for food and drinks, there were Russian, Mexican and USA snacks. Very enjoyable, truly. I love Leipzig community more and more, relaxed and family-like, you can be in your shoes and be happy if you know what I mean. Usually it is always hard to stay in your shoes and not to try some fancier ones but the thing is I've always preferred my mainstream shoes to others' couture ones so I like Leipzig better than any other place I've ever lived; even in Tbilisi you get depressed about shoes and all the material crap that is. Well, it's not about the shoes you can always tell.
So right now I absolutely second east Germany.

Pesach is coming up so are some of my important dates and it makes me nervous how am I supposed to clean and prepare everything with my growing self? :) Then I just remember I should not worry and stress myself, but let it go and as I've read here, just feel OK, because when I am OK, everyone else around is OK too.
OK?