M

It does not happen very often that you have known a person forever and after years that person shows up again all grown up and sophisticated. Then you proudly say: yes, I've always known she would make it.

I was a teenager when I saw Michelle Williams on "Dawson's creek" for the first time and I loved her at once. There was Katie Holmes's character that everybody loved, but I didn't, she had too annoying voice.
Michelle was different.
Time went by and so did the emotions caused by the "Dawson's creek" while I still hate Dawson for being a total creep, not in a good sense though.

I grew up as most people do.
And I saw "If these walls could talk 2". I stayed at my friend's. She went to sleep early and I did not know what to do (there was no internet yet), so I turned the TV on and saw this movie which made a quite impression on me. There are greater actresses in this movie than not-so-well-known Michelle Williams or Chloe Sevigny, but they upstage everyone else around. Who knows, it might just be that I was in 10th grade or something by that time and the subject interested me, like of that feminism, homosexuality and the 70's. The movie is quite emotional and powerful, in an indie Hollywood way though. Probably I wouldn't be that impressed if I saw it now.
Michelle Williams still got it.

The other movie that made me cry was "Me without you". Well, I could not quite identify myself with her character in this movie, but there was something common between us anyway. Smart Jewish girl being friends with the bohemian British girl from crazy family, falling for the brother of the latter; giving up her feelings, thoughts and principles for the childhood friendship. At that time I had also given up "something" (for the different reason) and had let it go.
I've cried over this movie and the feelings of Williams' character because I knew exactly how she felt.
Luckily, that something that I had almost given up did not let me go...


And now she went Marilyn. I wouldn't exaggerate if I say that she's the best Marilyn that has ever been made so far. You know how I adore Marilyn Monroe, so before I watched the trailer I told myself not to judge and not expect anything at all. Just watch and listen. You should never ask from any director or actress to create better Marilyn than she was herself. Impossible.
Michelle did it.
Michelle did it and not because she looks exactly like Marilyn, or walks and talks like her; no, simply because she has this rare humbleness in her character that Marilyn too had. She has a low profile and does not make dramas out of her life, others do.

Michelle created Marilyn and did not spoil anything. She did not try to be more attractive than expected; did not overdo with the appearance or voice.
And what made me happy was that Michelle did not make that terrible looking-fool eyes that most actresses have done when performing Marilyn. Face it, only Marilyn Monroe could do that natural-looking-fool-winking because playing fool is hard especially when it doesn't become to anyone.

Well deserved Golden Globe and more to come.

Michelle, I always knew it. I really did.

Isaiah

Sometimes we have such calm and relaxing Shabbat I absolutely forget the outside world and just immerse myself in my warm home.
This morning I had time to read the weekly parshah "shmot" and its haftarah which was from Isaiah. The latter prophets tend to sadden me: Isaiah, Jeremiah, Ovadiah, but this week's haftarah was not that depressing. It was about the redeemer, theme of hope and rejoice.

Who are we hoping for? Do we really believe that the messiah could really help? Can he really change the social rules or make our economy better? Are we just too infantile to long for the warm motherly chest where you feel so safe you would never leave it if you knew the harshness of the world.
This is hard to understand.

I think the redeemer is inside us. Each one of us was born to carry its burden and not to give in. Yes, sometimes it might get unbearable and you feel so weak you wish you could scream and shout and bring the messiah right away. It does not happen that way though. It never will.
I remember we had amazing Rabbi Osher Baddiel last year visiting the midrasha and giving quite intellectual shiurim about Mashiach. That's what he also said quoting Rambam. Mashiach is not someone who comes and takes away all your debts, or makes water into wine. He could be anything and anyone. He is not to come and make the world easier place to live. No. The world has been designed the way it is, Adam and Eve had done what they could to make our lives extravagant and now it is all up to us to live it. To change what's been done and make the world better place.

What is the WORLD though?

Outside world is nothing that impresses me lately.
I am building this little sunny world inside. You can't change anything without changing yourself, or at least trying to.

Last year was so full of emotions and making decisions, long distance relationship, engagement, wedding, new place, new people... new environment; new him and me. And as it usually happens - loads and loads of people watching you, discussing you, wondering about your life and asking questions forgetting to respect your privacy.
Then, behold, as they say in old books: I realized this is also a part of my life. Part of my searching of the messiah that is none other but us.
Yes, life is meant to be complicated because only then you understand the importance of your people, uniqueness of the person G-d has given you, and last but not least - yourself - all grown up and still growing, groaning and moaning like an old lioness seeking justice and peace.

Capricorn - THE SIGN

To Alla, the true Capricorn from Hannover

Careers are a 20th century invention and I don't want one.

"Into the wild"

Are you a Capricorn?

You cannot just be a Capricorn, you needed to earn to be one somehow. Cannot really tell why do some people deserve to be Capricorns but in fact they do.
I do.
So do you.

Life is what you make it, I have always believed especially then, when I left my sunny home for this cold country and the Berlin Midrasha which changed my life.
Still, looking back and remembering people, things, places that I've seen, been or had, made me realize that everything would be different if I was not a Capricorn. Thank G-d, I am.

Any book you read about zodiac signs you see that the Capricorn is an Earthly sign with strong character traits: ambitious, organized, motivated, stubborn and humorous. What else can you ask for in this world?..
No book or paper will provide you with the true Capricorn features though.

Should I try to?

Well:

All we really strive for is LOVE.
All we really care about is LOVE.
All we really give is LOVE.
All right, some might chuckle about our "lovability" which can get very weird sometimes, because all we do is to put our heart and mind in it and might get obsessed with ideas and ideals, note it.
All or nothing.

There is a little funny fact I cannot get away with. Girl Capricorns always marry THE ones. It might seem little funny but all these four women I mention below were born under the Capricorn sign and please don't tell it is just a coincidence. There are no such thing in my mind. There is something supernatural about Capricorns:
Princess Kate
Michelle Obama
Mrs Saakashvili
Madame Sarkozy
Although your husband is neither prince nor president now, remember, it is just about time. Just about time, have patience ;)

Honestly speaking, it is always up to women what way to choose and which shoes to wear (in this case not literally); and the girl Capricorn is much matured and witty than the boy as it always happens between sexes.

• Even if a girl Capricorn looks weak and needs a shoulder to cry on, at the end of the day it is her who showers her friends and family with love and comfort, never losing strength and being energetic when exhausted.
• Girl Capricorn is confident, extremely sensitive and there is little scary thing about her: she can also get icy cold and not let anyone get close. She can shut down herself, eat oneself inside out but never show it to others.
• Capricorns are very goal-oriented indeed, but most of them do not really care about career. Admit it. Capricorns would love to break free and never let system get them down. They would love to live peaceful life - write, paint, travel and give as much love as it is possible.
• What is most adorable about Capricorn is that it never loses hope and keeps positivity shining through; Capricorns never give up and if they ever do, it is just because they have found something better to go after.

Capricorns will always be.
Capricorns will always rule (at least their husbands will).

Happy Birthday dear Capricorns of the world, enjoy life! Don't be afraid to rise and fall. Love and be loved. Let the sunshine in!!!

Post-Soviet Me

'You know, it's all just humor. Don't take life so seriously. Don't take fashion too seriously. Don't take the movie industry too seriously. Don't take love and your relationship so goddamned heavy all the time. Laugh, laugh, laugh. Life is high school and it's small and everybody talks about everybody, so just laugh your ass off.'

Drew Barrymore

It's not always so easy to do so we all know it. I wish I could be as lighthearted as Drew states herself in this sentence.

If I were born in sunny California I might also feel that way. Sure it is easy not to take life seriously when you haven't spent your childhood in the destroyed Soviet Union in 90's, or you've never experienced learning English by the light of the gas lamp. No jokes here. When I was at school it was absolutely normal for the electricity to go on and off, and doing home work near the terribly smelly gas lamp was just a regular evening thing.

Why do I recall all of this?
I don't know.
It has been my life and no matter how fast I run I can never get away from it so all I have to do is to write it down and let you know.
I often have dreams about the past; the past that was so surreal you would not believe and sometimes I don't want to believe either. Dreams about people that are there no more, dreams about the places that have faded away and the feelings that came out false and dreams about this little piece of flesh beating in one's chest and making the blood boil...
But dreams always end by the morning and another surreality starts which is known as real life and which is more illogical than the dreams one had last night.
I guess the Soviet Union was a dream too. Unbearable dream for some people. Utopia. And Utopia is nothing but surreal, isn't it?
So you can never blame this little (relatively) me of being irrational or too rational because I am a product of the gas lamp generation; the product of the lame American movies and the wall that has never been there even though the whole world claimed it was.
All my friends are the products too. Not only friends but all the people that lived around that time and by the end of the 90's did not know whether laugh or cry after becoming the citizens of so called democratic republics (for this I recommend you amazing German movie "Good bye, Lenin").
Democracy, my feet. As some people would say politely.
There is no such thing.
There's only dream, dreamers and G-d laughing at the latter.

Sometimes I do feel that life is not worth of eating oneself. Then I am carefree and laughing out loud realizing the vanity of being. I am not the first one to notice that becoming psychotic about things do not make them work actually, you only win when you are calm and self confident.
And again, does winning always means getting what you really want or need?
No it doesn't.

Therefore:

What you need you already have and what you want is just a matter of time, that's what would I suggest and keep smiling not minding my dark post-soviet childhood.

P.S. I've been 27 since last Friday :) that makes a girl think, no?

Persona

Mamas and little girls

I am so into Victoria Beckham and her baby girl lately. We know Mrs Beckham got the style, got the flow and got it all. But what's most adorable in her is her baby daughter Harper who is so cute you can't help to love her. Well, also mind the designer clothes she's always dressed in like that of Chloe or "loving" Prada as her fashion obsessed mum has revealed.

Some may say Victoria's overdoing with her daughter but what I would say is that she is very good wife, mother of four and always wearing clothes like no-one else could've worn that way. I think everyone would love to be so successful in everything she does and above all, having lovely family that rocks it all.

The Pendulum by the Ettes

The Ettes is the band from the United States. Jam (the guy) was born in New Jersey and moved to Florida when he still was a kid. Then comes Coco, Florida born enthusiastic frontwoman and a guitar player of the band; and there's shaggy haired beautiful Poni from New York.
They are all about 70's to meet early indie of our times.

This band is not phenomenal at all. They make music that any other band could play. It's one of those guys that got really lucky to sign a record label and make an album that Drew Barrymore found and used one of their songs in her directorial debut "Whip it".

I got to know this ban via Drew too. They have got couple of good songs and Poni can hit the drums as she can't hit people, she says. As for Coco - she has a curvy figure like Drew's roller skater and a voice that Nancy Sinatra would die for.

So, nothing really special. They just got the style, got in the right place on a right time as they say and made me listen to them for a while.