Lovely Pebbles

I was thinking I always live somewhere else. For example, when I lived in Georgia, I've never cared about local TV or local news, I only watched foreign television, cared about foreign movies and music and books too.

Then, after moving to the West, and enjoying Europe at its best, I've come to realise that I enjoy foreign youtubers and bloggers more than the local ones. No idea why. Or let's say, I love everything English and it has always been that way wherever I lived.

So this prologue was to introduce you to my another favourite British Youtuber, lovely and beautiful Lily Pebbles. Now, how cute is her "last name"? Which is actually her middle name. 

I first heard about her/from her on Giovanna Fletcher's podcast, where she was so vulnerable and fragile, talking about her struggles about motherhood, her religion, her body... I totally fell in love with her authenticity right away and then started watching her videos (she also led me to Anna Newton!) and podcast. 

I was going to write some emotional post about her beautiful deep Jewish eyes, just look at her! She is so pretty and the way she looks, it's like she has the whole wide world of kindness in them, but I think I will not write about that now. I wish her the best. 

She always cheers me up and makes me feel good - she seems so nonjudgmental and thoughtful. You wouldn't expect such an young woman with quite a "private school" and posh Londoner background to be so sensitive and non arrogant at all. Sometimes she might sound little bit snobby but not too much.

She's a sunshine and very special one, let me say that. Check her out yourselves and you will see.

Watch and Hear

Every time I log on this blog, I search for the different fonts and never find the suitable one. But I did today! Phew! Content.

Feeling like I am typing on an old machine as I used to when I visited my mum at her work everyday when I was little.

It's a cloudy day on this part of my World, although quite warm and nice. Listening to Leonhard Cohen. How brilliant was he! What a voice. The linked one has such sweet Eastern melody and there's even a second when you hear the "klezmer", then you travel to Paris and come back to wherever you wish you were. Beautifully melancholic.

I don't read books anymore, I don't watch films, I don't watch shows! Just have no patience for drama.

What I do is I watch YouTube videos obviously. And guess who is my favourite nowadays? Anna Newton of The Anna Edit blog. She is so lovely!!! I mean it in every English way, just lovely!

She's such a cosy sweet girl, who makes you feel very comfortable. I can't stand divas you know me. I can't watch/listen to any other beauty lifestyle vloggers (except her friend Lily). They make me either cringe or very uncosy. I just can't handle "overdone" ones. I can't stand people who make me feel inferior. Even if you are not good enough at something, which we all are at some point, you don't want anyone tell you or make you feel that way. Anna is someone who talks so nicely about the beauty products or food, that you might not even heard about, or is too expensive for you to afford, that it doesn't make you feel bad or sad at all.

Her YouTube channel is very refreshing. I can cook along with her (my favourite videos of her actually), do my chores and even learn about the beauty products I had never heard before. So funny. Anna's couple of years younger than me and I found out about Serum (not this one, it's just my favourite) from her. I know. But don't forget I am a woman who only owned mascara and lip balm until her middle 20's. And I only started using foundation when I was pregnant with my first because I got red spots all over my face and I looked not nice. It was Max Factor obviously. I still do not use many products but as I get older, I definitely need moisturizer, eye cream, different face creams and etc. I am also lover of Jojoba oil mixed with some Ylang Ylang or Red Grapefruit essential oils. Smells nice and minimal to me.

Anna is also doing this amazing Podcast "At home with Lily and Anna". Just check them out on Apple podcasts or google. I love listening to them, because they are such fun, cheerful and also very serious about their jobs. I respect that a lot.

The quality of the podcast is very good. I used to listen some others and somehow the sound was not clear enough. You know my radio loving heart and ears need to have a good audio to be able to accept the "noise". Both Anna and Lily have very pleasant and clean voices too, so that makes it even easier to do chores and have them on your background, also not just background, but really hearing their every word. Especially if you are someone who has trouble with understanding British accent, don't worry, these girls are rather "first class" as my teacher used to say, which means - they are perfectly coherent.

And I like Anna Newton, because her name is Anna. Yes, one of my favourite names. I had a lovely friend back at Uni, her name was also Anna - she also had dark silky hair and sweetest personality ever. Gave me Paulo Coelho books for every birthday. Never met anyone like her, so selfless and caring. I've learnt a lot from her although she was younger than me. Well, why I keep saying "younger"? Because when someone's younger you don't really expect him/her to be so considerate and thoughtful. I appreciate that so much, because I think I was never a selfless person like that. Now I am work in progress though. I am, I promise.

Have a lovely Wednesday and enjoy Anna's videos and podcast!

The Caprocorn Mood

It's so easy to be a philosopher, while sitting warm and cozy in your room not having to face mundane problems or annoying people, who bug you all the time.
It's so easy to watch others from afar and remain calm and nice person, isn't it?

BUT it's very hard to be in the midst of people, handling emotions, giving, getting and still remain sane and content.

I think that's where I am now. I get so emotionally drenched that sometimes I act like a neurotic woman of Woody Allen. It's nobody's fault, that's how the system works, doesn't it?

Well, once again, I am this dreamy Capricorn who was born to be a philosopher but is forced to work.

My dear girl, I just want to make you happy!

Oh, Esther, how beautiful and cold are you!!!

Still "Sanditon" on my mind.
I should cover all the characters and tell you what I feel about them.

I love Esther Denham. I am in awe how her character develops through the episodes. It is amazing how Lord Babington brings all the good things out of her and makes her happy.

Charlotte Spencer is a very good actress - sure, it might not be to her credit, that she's got this beautiful pale skin full of lovely freckles and splendid red hair. But she's got the steely and icy look, this attitude of not caring about others while in reality she is soft and fragile.
Her best episode was the one where she talked and cried at her sick aunt's bedside, but  I also loved when she and Ms. Heywood take a walk down to the shore and Esther gives her opinion about all the people of Sanditon:
Wow!
Isn't she right! She is so good at knowing people around except her own stepbrother, which makes us think again how easy it is to look at others and tell their flaws while you are blinded to notice your own.

Very good job, Charlotte Spencer! You could pull off any other classic time period role ever written too, be it Austen or grand Tolstoy for sure.

9/10 the best Esther Denham for the win!!!

Swinging in the Rain

Shalom alechem, geshem!!!

These words came out when I left Lidl and the raindrops fell on my coat. I have no umbrella, no rain boots on me, how marvelous! - I smiled to the sky.
I don't know why I talked in Hebrew to the rain, that's just what came out from my heart at that moment.

And you know what happened yesterday?

After coming home from 3 hours waiting at the doctor's office, I looked at my phone and changed the weather forecast to Tbilisi. Then I napped for hours and after waking up, I looked at my phone again (how logical of our times) and wondered, why do I have Tbilisi forecast on my screen? I don't live there anymore... and my heart quenched a bit. I missed my Tbilisi, beautiful old city of my youth. City that will always be in my heart, no matter how old I am and where I live. It's the place I was born and the place I got my heart broken in. place where I know everything. Rather I knew. It should be different now, it's been 10 years since I left. Despite speaking millions (not literally) of languages, moving in different countries and cities, my heart probably is still 20, dreaming in rainy spring Tbilisi, listening to the radio and writing away...
Thanks, Hashem for that.

Georgia's on my mind

Thanks for sending this rain to cleanse my heart and soul, Hashem. I didn't think it would rain, it was such a clean sky when I woke up. I thought it would be freezing cold with sun. But there it came - sweet geshem of mine.

I'm officially sick with sinus infection. After bringing kids to school, shopping and having such sweet conversation with rain, I made my late favourite lavender tea with lemon and put some working jazz on to go on with this swinging mood...

I've been writing only about Sanditon lately and today this rain made me feel so good, I figured, I should write about my mood too.

I turned 35 in December. I'm a wife, mother, teacher, daughter, human!!! It feels like the quarter of my life has been lived and now I am this semi-wise lady that can tell you her opinion. Not that I was ever shy to express my mind, but now being 35 gives me the right to do so even more, does it not?
But on the contrary I've been quite silent, because I don't feel like sharing my opinion that much anymore. I've got responsibilities and once you say something, you cannot swallow it back. Now that I am older and supposed to be smarter, I try to be diplomatic, and am trying to let go of my insecurities, talk less and think more.
As my old dear friend told me: everything is under control, but not your's!

So let Hashem control it, since He is the best at that. And let me have this rainy day with music and my tea, swinging little blues on my heart.

Who is Your Favourite Poet?

Previous post came out so dark and full of critique that I decided to write some lighthearted one for today. Honestly, enough of that Sidney Parker and let's look at a bright one, who was supposed to play a villain, seducer, nasty and immoral baronet Sir Edward Denham, instead we got this very funny and attractive golden locked Edward who is so talentless with women, we start to sympathise with him from the start.

Even when Lady Denham talks about him as someone charming who ladies like to look at makes us smile, because of his recent ridiculous dialogue about swimming with Charlotte. Edward is a cool funny guy you would like to party and laugh with. He doesn't jump at women either, when he sees Charlotte is not into him and could not care less, he never once bothers her or makes any improper comments. He's a well mannered guy, very good job, Jack Fox!

Jack Fox as Edward Denham

Some scenes of Edward Denham as played by Jack Fox was so ridiculously silly that I couldn't stop laughing. I loved how he gets acquainted with Charlotte: "Enchanted!" - says he and Charlotte's look is priceless. His flirting style is also funny and makes you laugh all the way. I don't know, perhaps Andrew Davies should have cast Jack Fox as Sidney Parker, because he is the only guy who makes you laugh in this film. Is it that Jack Fox as a real human is so nice that he turned silly Sir Edward into likable character?

Now, I hated the intimate and scandalous episode with Clara Brereton, it was totally unnecessary and cheap. I definitely rewinded those moments because I do not watch films to see naked flesh and most natural intercourse that exists in the world from its creation. I watch films to find something to think about, to analyse, to laugh and write about it. I definitely wouldn't write about that episode, because it didn't make sense. They could have given us a hint what happened but not shown so vividly. Perhaps since Sir Edward's original character in the book is very evil, they thought they had to do something in this film too. But Jack Fox is such a positive and fine actor, he just turned the villain into very funny and spunky one.
Yes he is manipulative and nasty to his stepsister, he is not loyal and is very mercantile, but he is what is expected of him. He is not a main hero and we do not need to fall in love with him. Do you know what I mean? Every main character is created to be liked and loved by viewers - like Charlotte and Sidney (sadly, latter didn't convinced us enough), while other ones just live along.
Sir Edward is interesting and at some point, he looks even sadly romantic and reminds me of some old poet, who tries his best but never succeeds although he has every talent to do so.

Jack Fox gets 8/10 from me, very good performance: charming and funny!

Is That What You Really Think of Me?

Should I rename this blog "Sanditon Revisited"?

A friend asked me the other day: why have you been so strict and tough on Sidney Parker? Is that what you really think of him?

Then I  rewatched the episodes and decided to explain my opinion anew.
No, it remains the same and I still think of Sidney Parker as rude and bad-tempered man, but slightly improved ;-)

Theo James as Sidney Parker

Let's start from the fact that Sidney Parker as played by English actor Theo James has nothing to do with Jane Austen's original character. As Austen describes him, Mr. Parker is very witty and funny, who makes one laugh. You would never say that about "our" Sanditon one. This Sidney is everything but funny and witty.
I understand that Mr. Davies has done his best to finish the novel just as he pleased, who am I to correct him, but I just can't get over the fact that Sidney Parker has the main heroine fall for him and then he forsakes her to "save" his selfish and irresponsible brother. There is nothing gentle about him. He cannot be Jane Austen's main gentleman hero.
He's a Conundrum, his eldest brother says of him. What are you talking about?

This Sidney Parker is extremely masculine, meaning most Jane Austen heroes always have had some softness in them, even Mr. Darcy had a heart (yes, the same Davies' 1995 version too), but this guy Sidney played by Theo James is more like some hothead from Western movies or "worse", James Bond himself, nothankyouverymuch.
We know Theo James has got a fever about James Bond. He probably has been dreaming to play the Agent 007 one day, and I don't blame him, he has all the talents, but why, why spoil the Sidney Parker for us?

First off, tv episodes are for ladies, Jane Austen novels are for ladies. No matter how smart and witty, don't believe men enjoy reading her, so you gotta try for ladies, young man, JUST for ladies! We didn't need James Bond or John Wayne kicking ass and jumping from carriages, we expected Austen gentleman (like Mr. Knightley and Mr. Darcy) coming to rescue Charlotte from those crazy bunch in Sanditon. We needed a GENTLEMAN! We needed warm, soft eyes and a WEDDING!!! That's what it's all about. That is our Jane Austen's well known trick to make her heroines claim they do not care about marriage, but of course they do. Which lady doesn't?

All right, Sidney Parker does few nice things: helping Charlotte and Dr. Fuchs with Old Stringer, he also shows how kind he is bringing Otis back, and he seems to like his brother's children, but can't remember anything more important that really could impress me and win my heart were I Charlotte. Although I admit that when a single guy knows how to play with kids and how to talk to them without sounding ridiculous, is already a big achievement and will definitely warm girl's heart.
What is also positive about him is that Sidney is honest and grateful. He acknowledges that he truly became his best self because of Charlotte, really tried to be a better man and probably, would keep trying more if not being interrupted so many times that I even felt sorry for him. It wasn't easy for him after being so bitterly betrayed and forsaken himself.
He does not have anyone to love him just for his own sake. Except Charlotte of course, but he doesn't deserve that love, he hadn't earned it. It happened just because Charlotte is young, has no experience and as it tends to be of human/women nature - any extremely handsome, intelligent and attractively tough guy would make your knees go weak.

Sidney is a broken man like other characters in this very special film. He doesn't seem to be over Eliza Campion even after 10 years and you can see that clearly in his eyes at the London Ball.
That episode (6th) was really powerful and I think I loved every second of it.
(Side note: while rewatching I rewinded a lot, because many scenes are boring and meaningless to me, but this Ball was incomparable. I believe it's been one of the best Balls made in modern movie history. Charlotte and Sidney - both lovely, their dance - perfect. You should all see it yourselves.) But then again in a second's time Sidney looks very weak and lost with Eliza, no sign of James Bond there... He's confused and looks like a little boy, not like matured gentleman.

Writing this down made me realise that Theo James is the producer of the last episodes, so should we blame exclusively him for getting this heartbreaking finale?
We as well got his real time wife Ruth Kearney playing the cold and bitter Mrs. Campion who got money, title and the main hero in the end.
What else shall I say?
C'est la Vie!

Honestly, the whole film is all about very hardcore C'est la Vie. 
That's how life goes - good people don't always get what they deserve while wicked and irresponsible ones do very well.

Theo James 5/10 - very good dancer, Sir, but no Jane Austen hero! He is very handsome and one can even call him a heartthrob, but somehow his eyes lack warmness, lack passion and he cannot smile. His smile always looked so fake in this film, that I cringed everytime I saw him trying to smile. Grinning yes, he did well. I am sorry. I just do not like this actor.
I also have seen many of his interviews and although he claims to have studied philosophy and tries to look intelligent, he always manages to talk very shallow and often about his intimate body parts, flirts with women journalists and makes them uncomfortable. What can I do, you should be a good human to make a good actor for me.
Nothing personal though, you will do great James Bond. Wish you every happiness!

...To be continued obviously. I've still got so much to write about "Sanditon". Mr. Andrew Davies, thank you! Even though you have managed to completely ruin the Jane Austen novel, you did create a new very interesting and intriguing DRAMA indeed.

My Best Self

It's about Sanditon again. It's about Charlotte Heywood played by talented Rose Williams. She is like a lone shining star in that film - one pure and beautiful soul who suddenly happened to visit Sanditon and changed many things including herself.

And myself.

This film made a major impact on me, it made me think and rethink about many things. I've realised I need to express myself, to write, to listen to music, to keep on shining!!! Keep on! 

I am so young damn it! I am.

Really, I looked in the mirror the other day and I saw the same Sophie looking at me (ok, little bit changed), smiling and full of hopes and dreams. Although all of my hopes and dreams are now around my family, I should remember there is ME too, you know what I mean?

"I am my best self, my truest self, when I am with you!"

Charlotte and Sidney made me accept my vulnerability. 

They made me feel young again, however ridiculous it might sound to you. I feel like I've been swimming in ocean for ages and now I got to breathe some fresh air. 

Now I've got to look at myself in the mirror again and say: Sophie, I like you! But you must be your best self, your truest self to feel good about you too!

Can we not rewrite our history if we find it disagreeable?

I've got so much to say. I've got so so much to say and I don't know if I shall say. Funny, huh?

I am utterly impressed by Andrew Davies' "Sanditon". Yes by his Sanditon and not Jane Austen's, because this version is so very much "male" that can't get more.

If you've ever been 20 and in love, if you were head over heels, if you thought that was it, your life would end without that particular "love" object who made the sun rise and set - then you will know that this "Sanditon" film is very real. So real that it even hurts sometimes. It hurts because you realise life is tough. Life is very materialistic and brutal. Even sweet and loving eyes can be deceitful and when you are young, you are so vulnerable, you don't even know it. You think you've got it, you can control your feelings towards a person, but you just cannot. I don't know if it is hormonal or biochemical stuff, whatever and however you call it - it is something that lots of us have experienced, I am sure. It is something I wouldn't wish my children to experience and get hurt.

I've never been Jane Austen's superfan or something. I've only read her "Pride and Prejudice" and it tortured me to pieces, I must confess. It might have been my ignorance in "high" English language or because I am your regular post soviet proletariat daughter, Jewish-Irish Mohican and all that, so I just couldn't wrap my mind about the different social classes and their snobbism. It took me years to become friends with Elizabeth Bennet and Mister Darcy. Oh that grumpy Mr. Darcy!

Theo James as Sidney Parker and Rose Williams as Charlotte Heywood 

Now on a more serious note: what made "Sanditon" so interesting to me: English accent, music, time period, very attractive and beautiful actors: Rose Williams plays so well that innocent and naive, at the same time courageous and clever Ms Heywood, that you just love her. And because she reminded me of myself, let's be honest. That's who I was when I was 20 - little Miss Heywood with big dreams, enthusiasm and no interest in marriage at all, indeed. I thought I could just conquer the world with my intelligence and kind smile. I thought the world needed me so bad it would just collapse without me, as well as every Mr. Darcy or Sidney Parker would just give a fortune to know a girl like me.

What a very young (and naive) clever woman, who's read tons of books, really seeks from men is understanding and compassion. She believes that her kindness will win and justice will rejoice, but it is not always the case, and maybe, maybe it's even for the good.
For example, let's take a look at Sidney Parker (and as one person mentioned, if not played by very good looking Theo James, maybe we would've not cared much about that character at all):
he's handsome, mysterious, grumpy (well, some ladies die for grumpiness), kindhearted, supposedly good businessman and a noble guy (which I don't quite believe), BUT he's too harsh on Charlotte, he yells at her, he loses his temper many times, he's got no shame when Charlotte sees him naked in the sea, he's being bitter and often bossy. Perhaps 20 year old girl would fall in love with such a guy, would even shed many tears after losing him too, but in 10-15 years, she would be very grateful, that God actually spared her from such an arrogant and unpleasant guy.

I am not going to spoil the rest of the film for you, since it hasn't been released in many countries yet. All I can say, although this is not Jane Austen version at all, the director and script writer (I guess it's the same person) has got it really really right. The story is very believable, very realistic, characters are spot on - emotional, fun, crazy, immoral (which sadly fits our society today), broken, and still - likable, because who are we to judge unless we've been in their exact shoes.

8/10 - I could've given less, but there are some really good lines in it, which I will probably always remember, like that one I used for the title.

All about everything

Sometimes I forget I'm human.

It's been a very busy season, I miss being stay at home mum even though I used to feel exhausted and drowning in diapers. Still that was the best time. 

Now it's all hustle and bustle at its best.

So, I said I forget that I am human.

I can feel jealous, angry, upset, disappointed, heartbroken, deceived, lonely... yet be happy and sunny as usual.

It is all right. IT IS OKAY, SOPHIE!!! GANZ OK!!! Ok?

Today I was thinking I need an inspiration. Couple of years ago I had those role models - mums of dozens of children, who stayed home, felt they were simple Hausfraus, but still the bosses of their lives.

Today I don't know who I wanna be when I "grow up".

I still admire those women.

But also admire other ones, who maybe had to work and control their fertility, maybe it didn't work for them and their bodies just stopped being so fruitful anymore...

Who knows? How can I know and more so, how could I ever judge.

Never judge, it says in Pirkei Avot, never judge anyone until you're in their shoes. And since everyone in this world is unique, one can never fit in other person's shoes, meaning - we are never allowed to judge others. Never. Who knows what they went through, how their parents treated them in childhood. We don't know anything.
Just be empathic and polite.

Have a happy week, Sophie. You're good. You have to be :-P

Let There Be Light

Life is too funny.

Let there be light. And there was light.

Even here.

Little Birdie

Little birdie, little birdie, where do you come from, then?
Looked for crumble, for some crumble but nothing was there. 

German Children Song (with my rough translation)

This little sweet German song about a Little Birdie, that has been looking for a crumble, but could not find any because of Winter, has become so close to my heart lately. 

My big boy learnt it at the Kindergarten and when he came home singing it, and I looked up for the lyrics, I knew right away, that was my song of this period of life.

Not that I am a little in any sense of this word, quite the opposite; especially the ego. Oh, man!

No. It's just I am looking for a crumble too. I feel so spiritually hungry sometimes, so lonely that only thing I can relate to is this Kleine Meise, Little Birdie.

Having such a huge history behind, and ahead. Having the gold as they say and still looking for a silver? Not really. I am fine and settled with my spirituality, but I don't understand everything and I don't do it with joy. I struggle a lot while knowing what I have to do is right and I wouldn't do it any other way, but just having this "must" really makes it harder. And it should be that way too, I know very well. Nothing comes easy, at least for me. 

And for anyone, I guess. It's just we always think others live easier than us without knowing their hearts and souls.

I saw this video of hilarious Rivka Malka the other day and it stayed in my mind forever (now I could not find the exact video, but all her videos are worth of watching). She said, we can never be in other person's shoes, because we have never experienced what the other one has. We have never had the same childhood, upbringing, struggles with other people. Although we can share and relate, be empathic and even feel some of the feelings actually, we'll never be able to fully understand others' woes. 

I mean, I have tried but what I always think is how would I do it, how would I react and cope with it, not how other one could, because I can't know the hormonal changes in others.

Just start talking about something with people and you will get absolutely different answers from everyone, different views, even different understanding of the "obvious" (for you) question.

This used to frustrate me: how could that be, I say this and it's received in that way while I meant it this way?

I am sure everyone had this experience.

So I won't be frustrated if someone calls me saying, lady, what Little Birdie are you talking about? Are you cold? Put on some coat and drink a hot tea with lemon.

Not cold at all.

Waiting For Winter

I hate Autumn.

Can't wait for Winter, really.

This cunning mild weather kills me. I love when it's Summer and hot, or Winter and freezing. I hate in-between stuff, you know.

Snow, come soon, love!!!

I Will Try To Like You

I want to like people.
I've always been saying that I love people, but sometimes I don't.
And I judge others a lot. Not aloud obviously, but just for myself.
I judge and label people by the way they talk, dress, walk... I judge their education, their manners... I even snob people, who seem to be shallow and stupid.
Who am I to judge though? Why?

Then I realise, probably others judge me too. People probably dislike the way I talk, laugh, dress, wrap my head, express my opinions...
And then it gets easier :-D
I mean, we're all human. All we can do is to strive to become better person.
Once you don't take yourself very seriously and laugh at some traits you have, you stop judging others and begin to accept them the way they are (or just ignore them?).

You don't have to change the world, but yourself and the world will change eventually. I am not the first to say this, but it feels good I came to this at some point.

So, friends and foes, haha, don't get too nervous about yourselves! I still like you (or not much) no matter what. I will try not to judge you, I will, bezrat Hashem, because I do not know what is going on in your hearts and what struggle you are having.

I will just focus to improve my myself.

May this be a little step forward for this month of Elul and elevating for Rosh Hashanah.

Love,

Sophie

When You Don't Need Any Title Here

This blog used to have a subtitle: Girl With Post Soviet Trauma if you remember.

I am still that girl (rather big strong woman like on this picture).

I am tired.
I mean, really tired emotionally. I want to hug my babies and sleep, sleep, sleep until the world is a better place.
So childish, I know, it even makes me little sick, but I am being very honest.

I miss my friends, I miss my country and the feeling of a motherland.
Not Home though. My Home is where my family is, but the land, I was born, grew up, lived, loved, learned is so very far from me, not only in distance, but mentally too.
I have less and less common with my Georgia, with my friends and relatives there. All I have left is the love for the old memories, I guess. My mum says, it's fine and once you have your own family, you cannot keep up with your old life.

I cannot indeed.

Does it make me sad? Not really.

I am just tired.
And I wish I had a homeland - calm, stable and welcoming back its people.

I am not one of its people anymore, and probably never was either.

You'd tell me, hey, there's your Eretz Yisroel (intentionally writing in an Ashkenazic manner), don't you adore it?
I DO!!! That's where my soul belongs to, that's where my heart and roots are, but it's hard, when I've never lived there, I don't speak Yivrit as fluently as Georgian obviously, and my childhood was spent not there.

Yes, childhood - that must be it.

This Easy Tuesday When I Went And Wore an almost Hijab

I usually don't like posting photos, but this one is going to be an exception. I felt so good today in this clothes, especially the scarf (bough at "Strauss" last Summer). I wore it a little "almost liberal hijab style" and definitely got many looks, some suspicious, some - complimenting, some - hateful and some - indifferent.
I have very long hands, I know (although I am only 165 cm, my limbs are really long and most people have optical illusion of me being quite tall, which is very nice to hear). And my hand palms have become quite rough and large as well since I've got family and do all the household stuff.
When I was young, I probably would've looked down on someone who had rough hands, or wrinkles, or grey hair. Not that I was ageist or something, no I was a very normal young person, who thought she'd be as young and carefree forever as she was then. Now looking at this photo of mine, I realise how I have changed, how my opinions have been transformed into something else, and baruch Hashem, I have become more tolerant, more understanding and more respectful to those, who work hard, especially for their family.

So here's to those strong women, who make the world/family go round. The real eshet chayils, who work day and night, who defeat their egos and put their husbands, children, parents, in-laws first.
I am still working, trying hard not to be selfish, not to get upset when I don't get what I want, because that only makes me stronger (but no-one realises that at the first place, does it?).

Western culture and today's world are so focused on oneself, shoving their ideas on us: be yourself, do what you want, you deserve the best, you are the best, be who you are, do what you want...
Scary. Do you understand how dangerous those slogans are? What does "be yourself" and "do what you want" mean? Then they bomb us with advertisements, man made images, false ideas and ideals, wrong role models, and still "wish we were ourselves".
No, I don't want that!

I want to be better tomorrow than I am today, which will be different myself and this means, I can't be myself all the time, only fools can be.

I won't do what I want either, because I may want to eat all that 500 grams of Ben & Jerry's ice cream with caramel filled chocolate chips (pure temptation), which I could do in a blink of an eye without even sharing with anyone, but I will not. It's not okay. Let alone it's not okay to eat so much sugar, it's all about managing your desires, your weaknesses and directing it in a way that would be proper. Children, plus sharing is caring, really.

I hope and wish I get more will power and strength to fight my weaknesses, get over my fears and let myself be the better self as possible. Amen!

1% of Me

I've been messing blogging since 2009 I guess and this poor old blog has seen a lot.

I hoped I'd homeschool, but I don't. I unschool though. Because I hate school rules, I don't like putting all the children in a same row. And I hate educational system of the world. Yes, of the whole world.
The best education child can receive is home: loving, warm, caring and comfortable home, where parents pay attention to children, never scold them, only rebuke a bit for their own sake. Mostly praise and motivate them to do good. And it works: child is and will be exactly what its parents say to that child. If you keep telling your child how stubborn and/or aggressive he is, be sure he will be that way. When you mostly focus on his positive middos, cherish his determination and direct it to the way of love, you won't go wrong. 
This is our parenting or schooling, whatever you may call, in a nutshell.

Since I don't put my children's photos on internet and try to write only general stuff about them, I realised, this blog is not and cannot be a mum blog. Because I don't want to.

Yes, I am mum 99%, but the 1% that is left, that 1% of Sophie, who loves to look around and see the sun, read books and people, learn languages and cultures, explore lives and loves, wants this blog to be her getaway place.
I want this blog to be little quiet place, where I'll come and ramble not about the things I do, but what I think too.

I hope you don't mind, do you? :-)

מזל טוב, עזרא!!!

My firstborn is 3 since Pessach. It's such an emotional age for me. I feel as if I had him yesterday, little baby with long fingers and thin legs. My first baby, who rocked my world and changed me for good.
My Ezra - little helper with big heart and mind.
My Ezra, the one and only Ezra in the world (for me of course)!!!

Baruch Hashem for him, baruch Hashem for my second born too. Baruch Hashem for everything. Thank You, G-d! Be our guide as always!
May there be peace and joy in the world. May no child experiences pain or loss, may children be happy and carefree knowing there are their mums and dads waiting for them, never letting them down.

I wish health to my big boy, then will power to overcome yetzer hara and never stop developing his good midos (character traits). May you be as great as your namesake Ezra and take us out of galus with your dear brother Aaron, who has this lovely name not by coincidence at all :-)
אמן!!!

Fresh Re-Start

I haven't been blogging quite a while. I have been doing some thinking and analysing to where I want to take this blog. Do I really need it at all? Does it make any sense and does anyone need to read it?
Funnily, I answered to all questions with almost NO.

And today I figured out I want to make some changes. I've changed this old blog's URL, as well as title and I hope I could write more from now on.
I am thinking of making podcasts and video posts every once in a while. All I have to do is to order my Blue Microphone, wrap a lovely tichel around my head and get down to work.

I hope it goes well.

For the new start I shall re-introduce myself:
I am Sophie, mum of two boys, living in Europe, where it's cold, and hostile to people of my faith.
I've studied Journalism and Social Psychology. Worked on the radio, wrote some crap for papers, did translations, even touristic business got me once and then, one day, right after I turned 25, I realised only thing I longed was family. 
Because I had never felt like home anywhere before, never cared for somebody enough to cover my hair and learn how to knead a dough. Never believed in any particular religion, but The Creator.
But I always liked children and they liked me back a lot.

So one brought another, and another, and another,
and here I am:

Mama Sophie - sunny, funny, witty Hausfrau of 30, homeschooling, bread baking, hat knitting, who strongly believes we should never compare our life to others' because we all have what we can handle.

Since I claim to be a homeschooling mum, I'll cover it a little bit too.
My sons are almost 3 and 1 years old, which qualify them mostly for Kindergarten, but I do not like any children institution, I am sorry, I believe they measure everyone same and never really pay attention individually. So I stay home with them and am being a mum like any other one.
I wish I could homeschool longer, but it is not allowed in the country we live, I only get to keep my babies under my wing until they have to go to school (3-5 years to go).
Until then, I hope to instill strong will in my children, so they can resist the system that tries to fit everyone in the same box.

My very homeschooling is all about playing, singing, drawing, baking and running :-D because nobody runs as much as mothers do all day long.

Rock On, Mamas!!!